0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains some strong language
0:00:05 > 0:00:07MUSIC: "Straight Down The Middle" by Bing Crosby
0:00:11 > 0:00:14Just as Wife Number One's sister
0:00:14 > 0:00:16became Wife Number Two,
0:00:16 > 0:00:21sometimes the best aspects of a property are found nearby.
0:00:21 > 0:00:24And facing this 18-hole golf course
0:00:24 > 0:00:29really does "drive up" the value of this charming property.
0:00:33 > 0:00:36I have closed hundreds of business deals,
0:00:36 > 0:00:38and conceived scores of children,
0:00:38 > 0:00:43on the fairways, greens and locker rooms of the province.
0:00:49 > 0:00:54And there really is no substitute for the look in a rival's eye
0:00:54 > 0:00:56when he sees your company's logo
0:00:56 > 0:00:58printed on your balls.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09Magnificent.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34I think tourists must find it really confusing here,
0:01:34 > 0:01:36you know, given the fact
0:01:36 > 0:01:39that the word "tourist" in Belfast
0:01:39 > 0:01:41is pronounced the exact same way
0:01:41 > 0:01:42as "terrorist."
0:01:44 > 0:01:47"This place is comin' down with te'rists."
0:01:49 > 0:01:52"There's busloads of 'em!"
0:01:52 > 0:01:54"Are you OK with that?"
0:01:54 > 0:01:56"Sure, why wouldn't we be?
0:01:56 > 0:01:59"Sure, all them te'rists bring money into the economy!"
0:01:59 > 0:02:02And it must be strange for them,
0:02:02 > 0:02:06because a lot of them are coming here expecting diddly-dee music
0:02:06 > 0:02:08and Irish dancing on street corners,
0:02:08 > 0:02:11and they're baffled when they see a load of Romanians
0:02:11 > 0:02:14stretching the life out of accordions.
0:02:16 > 0:02:17APPLAUSE
0:02:20 > 0:02:21You know what?
0:02:21 > 0:02:24I think they could teach us a lesson in Northern Ireland,
0:02:24 > 0:02:28especially in times of austerity. There's one guy in particular,
0:02:28 > 0:02:32and he stands outside Castlecourt Shopping Centre.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34I really like this guy.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37Because he's found himself
0:02:37 > 0:02:38half a violin...
0:02:42 > 0:02:44..and half a trumpet...
0:02:46 > 0:02:51..and he's sellotaped them two things together.
0:02:51 > 0:02:55And he's got his own unique instrument -
0:02:55 > 0:02:57a violumpet.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:03:05 > 0:03:09A-wanderin' in the forest (oh) isn't always the safest thing, you know.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11SCARY MUSIC
0:03:11 > 0:03:14So I'm meeting a great local local, named Leslie the Animal Man,
0:03:14 > 0:03:17who's an expert at survival and (oh) safety
0:03:17 > 0:03:20from wildlife here in the wild here.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23Hello there, and welcome to A Wander Wi' Willie. (Oh.)
0:03:43 > 0:03:46Well then, today Leslie the Animal Man
0:03:46 > 0:03:49will teach me a few things to keep me safe in the forest.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51- Hello, Leslie.- Les, Willie.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53- Huh?- Les!- What?
0:03:53 > 0:03:55- LES!- Oh.
0:03:55 > 0:03:56Les the Animal Man.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58Now, Willie,
0:03:58 > 0:04:02let me first urge you to hush your speaking voice.
0:04:02 > 0:04:06I myself use a...wwwhisper.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12Then so shall (oh) I...
0:04:27 > 0:04:29If you look over here, you'll see a wee animal
0:04:29 > 0:04:32I've named "the hedge-hog."
0:04:32 > 0:04:35- Careful now, Leslie.- Les, Willie.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37I know a simple trick
0:04:37 > 0:04:39to stay safe when he's about.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42- What's that, then, Leslie? - Les, Willie.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45Now, you must stay absolutely still.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47Sneaky, sneaky now.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50Get right up close to him.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53Carefully does it, now.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55And just...throw him away, Willie.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57HEDGEHOG SQUEALS
0:04:59 > 0:05:00Throw him away.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03Aagh! Oof!
0:05:03 > 0:05:07- Argh! Ooh!- Well done, Leslie. You've saved us (oh) all.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09Les.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12It's just experience, Willie.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14'Join us later for more Wander Wi' (oh) Willie.'
0:05:16 > 0:05:19So nice to get out for the afternoon with my two favourite girls.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21Yeah, your mum seems to be having a great time.
0:05:21 > 0:05:25MUSIC: "X Gon' Give It To Ya" by DMX
0:05:26 > 0:05:28Eh, excuse me.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32Hiya! I've been watching you three.
0:05:32 > 0:05:33Who are you?
0:05:33 > 0:05:37That's Rory McIlroy, the young golfer.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39He's a millionaire.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41Multi-millionaire. Yup!
0:05:41 > 0:05:44Anyway, I find your ladies
0:05:44 > 0:05:45- fascinating! - CROWD CHEERS
0:05:45 > 0:05:48- That's my mum, and...- Oh, no names.
0:05:48 > 0:05:49No names.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51No names!
0:05:53 > 0:05:55OK. How's about this?
0:05:56 > 0:05:59I'm going to give you 1 million...
0:06:00 > 0:06:02..for a night...
0:06:03 > 0:06:06- ..with your girlfriend.- Uh...
0:06:06 > 0:06:08- And your mother. - CROWD CHEERS
0:06:08 > 0:06:11- You'll what?! - There's a game I like to play.
0:06:11 > 0:06:15- It's better with three.- With three? - Just going to leave it with you.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17I'll be over there, eating candy floss.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19Just going to leave it with ya!
0:06:19 > 0:06:21Cheeky wee...
0:06:21 > 0:06:23Ah-ah!
0:06:23 > 0:06:25Let's just think about this, now.
0:06:25 > 0:06:29MUSIC: "Give It Up" by KC and the Sunshine Band
0:06:29 > 0:06:30# Baby give it up
0:06:30 > 0:06:33# Give it up, baby give it up
0:06:33 > 0:06:35# Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-now
0:06:35 > 0:06:38# Baby give it up
0:06:38 > 0:06:39# Give it up, baby... #
0:06:39 > 0:06:41So?
0:06:41 > 0:06:43I feel sick.
0:06:43 > 0:06:44Rory McIlroy,
0:06:44 > 0:06:48we have decided to accept your indecent proposal.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50- Sweet! - CROWD CHEERS
0:06:50 > 0:06:53- Take care of them, won't you? - Oh, don't worry, mate.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56I've got a ball for each of them.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58APPLAUSE
0:07:02 > 0:07:05Go on, granny! You're better at it than she is!
0:07:05 > 0:07:09Oh, you nearly got me out!
0:07:09 > 0:07:11MUSIC: "X Gon' Give It To Ya"
0:07:12 > 0:07:14FUNERAL BELLS
0:07:19 > 0:07:21OK!
0:07:21 > 0:07:23There we are!
0:07:23 > 0:07:25HE BLOWS IMAGINARY TRUMPET
0:07:25 > 0:07:26- INTERCOM:- 'Congratulations!
0:07:26 > 0:07:29'You are attending another on-time funeral
0:07:29 > 0:07:33'courtesy of Everest And Son No-frills Funeral Services!'
0:07:34 > 0:07:36That'll be £11.55, please.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38Excuse me?
0:07:39 > 0:07:40£11.55?
0:07:40 > 0:07:43- What for?- The journey.
0:07:43 > 0:07:48Pickup at St Michael's Church, going to Celbridge Cemetery.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50You're charging us for riding in the hearse?
0:07:50 > 0:07:52It's not a hearse, love.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54It's a funa-cab.
0:07:57 > 0:07:58Here.
0:07:59 > 0:08:00Ah, 50.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03You don't have anything smaller, do you?
0:08:03 > 0:08:04No!
0:08:09 > 0:08:11Sorry about all the change, love.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14It'll come in handy at the open casket later, though.
0:08:14 > 0:08:15It's 50p a pop.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19Crrrrrk!
0:08:23 > 0:08:26Just dropped off that Celbridge fare, Daddy.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28'Mind the traffic on the way back.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30'There's a terrible accident on the motorway.'
0:08:30 > 0:08:31An accident?
0:08:31 > 0:08:33I'll swing by with some flyers.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39- Have we got any parents in tonight? - CROWD: Yes!
0:08:39 > 0:08:43Very good. It's such a big responsibility being a parent.
0:08:43 > 0:08:47You know, even naming your kid is such a responsibility.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49One decision, and you can put a target on a kid's back
0:08:49 > 0:08:51for the rest of their life.
0:08:51 > 0:08:55I know a couple whose surname is Knight,
0:08:55 > 0:08:56and they named their kid
0:08:56 > 0:08:58Tamara.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03Who does that? Who does that?
0:09:03 > 0:09:05Do you know, I told a mate of mine about this,
0:09:05 > 0:09:09and he said, "That's nothin', "I had two Great-aunt Fannies."
0:09:11 > 0:09:14You don't see many kids named Fanny nowadays, do you?
0:09:14 > 0:09:17I mean, who looks at their newborn baby and goes,
0:09:17 > 0:09:20"Ach, she's lovely, what'll we call her?"
0:09:20 > 0:09:22"I don't know, I think she looks like a Fanny."
0:09:23 > 0:09:25It's a complete minefield,
0:09:25 > 0:09:28and never wonder celebrities are just making names up.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30My choices are pretty limited, too.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33Could you imagine me going into Tyrone,
0:09:33 > 0:09:37and introducing my brood to all the PJs, the TJs and the JPs?
0:09:38 > 0:09:41"All right, here you go, these are my kids.
0:09:41 > 0:09:42"That's Romeo,
0:09:42 > 0:09:45"Foxtrot,
0:09:45 > 0:09:47"Wagonwheel,
0:09:47 > 0:09:50"Optimus Prime,
0:09:50 > 0:09:52"and Apple Corr.
0:09:52 > 0:09:56"Now, you kids play nice with PJ, JP and TJ.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58"And Apple, if you're going to stay at JP's,
0:09:58 > 0:10:00"make sure you bring your PJs."
0:10:04 > 0:10:07At 7pm, it's Bruce Forsyth's Generation Game.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10But first it's George Best 1 - 0 Crime.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12That's right. It's The George Best Mysteries.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15# When I saw you you looked like a diamond
0:10:15 > 0:10:18# As you played in the dust and the grime
0:10:18 > 0:10:20# Just a boy from the country of Ireland
0:10:20 > 0:10:23# And I knew I could make you shine
0:10:23 > 0:10:25# Cos you move like a downtown dancer
0:10:25 > 0:10:28# With your hair hung down like a mane
0:10:28 > 0:10:30# And your feet play tricks like a juggler
0:10:30 > 0:10:33# As you weave to the sound of your name
0:10:33 > 0:10:35# Georgie, Georgie
0:10:35 > 0:10:38# They call you the Belfast Boy
0:10:38 > 0:10:40# Georgie, Georgie
0:10:40 > 0:10:42# They call you the Belfast Boy
0:10:42 > 0:10:45# And they say Georgie, Georgie Keep your feet on the ground
0:10:45 > 0:10:48# Georgie, Georgie When you listen to the sound
0:10:48 > 0:10:51# Georgie, Georgie Put a light on your name
0:10:51 > 0:10:55# Yeah, yeah, yeah Play the game... #
0:10:55 > 0:10:56No, thanks.
0:10:56 > 0:11:00# ..play the game, boy Play the game. #
0:11:09 > 0:11:13Ooh! Ooh la la. Oh, George!
0:11:13 > 0:11:17- Eggs for breakfast!- Oh, je t'aime.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20Ou est le pamplemousse?
0:11:20 > 0:11:24Non. C'est un daddy.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?
0:11:27 > 0:11:30Oh, George. George!
0:11:30 > 0:11:33Yeah... It's for the best.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38Oh, George!
0:11:44 > 0:11:47# When I saw you you looked like a diamond
0:11:47 > 0:11:49# As you played in the dust and the grime
0:11:49 > 0:11:51# Just a boy from the country of Ireland... #
0:11:51 > 0:11:57- Georgie!- Wee Davie Healey. How's your tackle coming along?
0:11:57 > 0:12:00Great, Georgie. My ma says it'll get bigger if I stop messing with it.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03Where's Monsieur ROBO, Georgie?
0:12:03 > 0:12:06I don't know. I'm not his lover - mother.
0:12:06 > 0:12:10Nothing... I mean, why?
0:12:10 > 0:12:11Big Pat's been kidnapped.
0:12:16 > 0:12:20I knew I hadn't heard the last of slack Alison...
0:12:23 > 0:12:24Where am I?
0:12:24 > 0:12:28Hey! Where did it all go wrong, George?
0:12:28 > 0:12:30THEY LAUGH
0:12:30 > 0:12:32What?
0:12:32 > 0:12:34Just say what you see!
0:12:34 > 0:12:36THEY LAUGH
0:12:36 > 0:12:39My shoelaces are tied together.
0:12:42 > 0:12:46All my power's in my football boots...you know?
0:12:46 > 0:12:49"The power's in my football boots"!
0:12:49 > 0:12:52THEY LAUGH
0:12:52 > 0:12:55Goal...
0:13:01 > 0:13:05Goal...
0:13:05 > 0:13:09- Georgie! - It's time he paid the penalty.
0:13:09 > 0:13:13I really have to go home for my tea now, Georgie.
0:13:17 > 0:13:21The George Best Mysteries will return after this...you know?
0:13:25 > 0:13:27Ha! That's a good one there.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30- What's that you're reading, Bobby? Cartoons?- The obituaries, son.
0:13:34 > 0:13:38We were thinking about adding to our household.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41Oh, my goodness! How exciting!
0:13:41 > 0:13:43Watch yourself. Her dad'll rip your...
0:13:43 > 0:13:46- We're thinking about getting a pet, Bobby.- Oh!
0:13:48 > 0:13:49What sort of a pet, then, son?
0:13:49 > 0:13:52To be honest, Bobby, we can't make up our minds.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54We did think about something boring like a goldfish.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56A goldfish'll only die on you
0:13:56 > 0:13:58and then you end up flushing it down the toilet.
0:13:58 > 0:14:03- What about a guinea pig? - I don't think you could flush one of those down the toilet.
0:14:03 > 0:14:04You could, aye.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08I think I'd prefer a rabbit.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11- Have you ever seen a rabbit with myxomatosis, son?- No.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14Head swells up till she's almost twice the normal size
0:14:14 > 0:14:18- and she explodes all over the place. - Or we could just get a dog.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20Didn't you have a dog, Bobby?
0:14:20 > 0:14:24Och, you loved that wee dog, didn't you, Bobby?
0:14:24 > 0:14:25What happened to him?
0:14:27 > 0:14:30Bit the testicle off a Mormon and ran away.
0:14:36 > 0:14:41A camel in Belfast Zoo bit off a woman's hand.
0:14:50 > 0:14:55Here I am in Korma Chameleon on Newry's metropolitan High Street
0:14:55 > 0:15:00finishing off one of the most unsettling feeds of my entire life.
0:15:00 > 0:15:04'At a distance, the food seemed simple and uncomplicated.
0:15:04 > 0:15:08'A recognisable mix of meat, sauce and rice.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11'Which earned them an early McDaid.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14'But the menu was full of strange words,
0:15:14 > 0:15:15'few of which were pronounceable.'
0:15:15 > 0:15:18Naan...
0:15:18 > 0:15:22'When the waiter explained the chilli spice ranking system,
0:15:22 > 0:15:24'I immediately impressed the missus
0:15:24 > 0:15:27'and ordered the hottest thing on the menu.'
0:15:27 > 0:15:29Up to you. I won't be responsible.
0:15:29 > 0:15:33'..before she headed off to drop a spicy meatball of her own.'
0:15:33 > 0:15:36The lock on the cubicle door was busted,
0:15:36 > 0:15:40but luckily the door was within reach of a foot to hold it closed.
0:15:44 > 0:15:48There was a man in the toilet with us selling deodorant,
0:15:48 > 0:15:50chewing gum and mints.
0:15:50 > 0:15:54At first, confusing. But ultimately, a timely exchange.
0:15:54 > 0:15:5720 pence bought eight pieces of gum
0:15:57 > 0:16:03and some Lynx Africa to wage war on her abomination.
0:16:03 > 0:16:07Meanwhile, our dishes of meat and rice in sauce
0:16:07 > 0:16:09with bread had arrived,
0:16:09 > 0:16:12but was too fancy with too many colours,
0:16:12 > 0:16:15- exceeding my stipulated three-colour maximum. - BUZZER
0:16:18 > 0:16:23Oh! 'My strange feed was hardly hot at all. Or so I let them think
0:16:23 > 0:16:26so as not to lose face.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28SHE FARTS
0:16:31 > 0:16:34HE FARTS
0:16:34 > 0:16:36- It was that- BLEEP.
0:16:36 > 0:16:40As the battle between food and Maurice raged on,
0:16:40 > 0:16:42- my mind turned to the aftermath. - BELLY RUMBLES
0:16:42 > 0:16:45The carb-heavy spiciness were already playing hardball
0:16:45 > 0:16:48with her IBS.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51Finally, the food was gone.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54And no-one knew nothing of my spicy turmoil.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56HE FARTS
0:16:56 > 0:16:58To summarise,
0:16:58 > 0:17:02the food was A, hot, B, Indian,
0:17:02 > 0:17:06and C, there was shitloads of it.
0:17:06 > 0:17:12A top tip in dealing with the repercussions of a fiery meal -
0:17:12 > 0:17:17make sure to put at least two bog rolls in the fridge
0:17:17 > 0:17:19before you go to bed.
0:17:19 > 0:17:20HE FARTS
0:17:20 > 0:17:26I hereby award Korma Chameleon two Maurice McDaids out of five.
0:17:26 > 0:17:26Bon appetit.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29HE FARTS
0:17:32 > 0:17:33Aaah!
0:17:37 > 0:17:42- Morning, Julie.- Watch where you're parking your car, Albert Dumbledick.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45- Grow some balls!- He's such an arsehole, that guy.- You're sweet.
0:17:45 > 0:17:49- What are you doing talking to her? - I've had enough of this! Right, you!
0:17:51 > 0:17:54- Barry?- You challenge me with a bin on the head?
0:17:54 > 0:17:55I'm the Arse Goblin.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57Unless you prefer the Muff Gruffler.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59I just want to keep my job, sir.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02I admire your balls.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15Do I fancy a pint with Julie?
0:18:15 > 0:18:18You bet your sweet balls I do!
0:18:19 > 0:18:21# One more time... #
0:18:21 > 0:18:23MUSIC: "One More Time" by Daft Punk
0:18:29 > 0:18:30You came!
0:18:30 > 0:18:33- Hiya.- What's up, ladies?
0:18:36 > 0:18:38Barman, two pints and four tequilas, please.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40So, did you get the sack?
0:18:40 > 0:18:42No!
0:18:42 > 0:18:43Seriously?
0:18:43 > 0:18:46I know. I thought me arse was out the door.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50- Do you want to go for a dance?- Me?
0:18:50 > 0:18:51No.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53Oh, come on, please.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55Sorry. I'm not much of a dancer.
0:18:55 > 0:18:59Don't worry. Barry couldn't dance either.
0:19:06 > 0:19:07Balls!
0:19:07 > 0:19:11Great balls of fire, son! Have I taught you nothing?
0:19:12 > 0:19:17Just when your pomme de terres showed promise, you lost her!
0:19:17 > 0:19:21She even compared you to Barry the ballbag, son. Tragic!
0:19:23 > 0:19:26What? David Dick-and-dick.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28You're sweet.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34Balls.
0:19:34 > 0:19:35Balls to it!
0:19:41 > 0:19:45Go on, son! Hey, big balls!
0:19:53 > 0:19:56Go on, Neil, you legend!
0:20:02 > 0:20:06It looks like Billy Big Balls over there doesn't need me any more.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09His arse is owning that dance floor.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14I'm the Muff Gruffler.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18Ow!
0:20:22 > 0:20:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:28 > 0:20:30Watch out, mate.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32Shut up, fatty.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36Hey!
0:20:37 > 0:20:40Grow some balls!
0:20:42 > 0:20:46All this TV stuff must be really strange for my parents.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48Mums are supportive, whereas dads give advice,
0:20:48 > 0:20:51so I asked my mum, what did she think of it?
0:20:51 > 0:20:54And she says, "Well, son,
0:20:54 > 0:20:57"I'm very proud.
0:20:57 > 0:21:01"I liked Eamonn Holmes." Eamonn Holmes was in the first series
0:21:01 > 0:21:03for about 30 seconds, that was it.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06And so I asked my dad, and he said,
0:21:06 > 0:21:08"Aye, it was grand."
0:21:09 > 0:21:12And I don't know what sort of a response I was looking for,
0:21:12 > 0:21:14maybe pride, I don't know.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16Seven years ago, I used to be a welder,
0:21:16 > 0:21:19and now I was living my own dream, doing what I wanted to do.
0:21:19 > 0:21:24And so I said to him, "What did you think? What did you think of it?"
0:21:24 > 0:21:26And he looks me square in the eye,
0:21:26 > 0:21:29and in a big mid-Ulster farmer accent, he said,
0:21:29 > 0:21:30"Son...
0:21:32 > 0:21:35"..don't you get too big for your boots.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38"You shite the same as everybody else."
0:21:52 > 0:21:57Roaming around this perfectly plush pad turns a man's mind
0:21:57 > 0:21:59to his memories.
0:21:59 > 0:22:03Perhaps the time when radio's Anderson
0:22:03 > 0:22:08and TV's Kelly wrestled as naked as the day they were born
0:22:08 > 0:22:12to decide who is Northern Ireland's best Gerry.
0:22:12 > 0:22:19The perfect match. Anderson, spry, bronzed and cat-like.
0:22:19 > 0:22:26And Kelly, a brutal, brawny, belligerent, bearded bear!
0:22:26 > 0:22:29The ebb and flow continued into the night.
0:22:30 > 0:22:36By morning, as guests tucked into a luxury breakfast, still they toiled,
0:22:36 > 0:22:40neither man wishing to lose his grip on his naked,
0:22:40 > 0:22:44oily Gerry and the accolade that lay beyond him.
0:22:44 > 0:22:49And when all was said and done, both Gerries lay flaccid,
0:22:49 > 0:22:53spent men, enjoying a good cry.
0:22:53 > 0:22:57And the winner, the best Gerry of them all?
0:22:57 > 0:23:00Well, I never tell.
0:23:03 > 0:23:07We now return to the George Best Mysteries, you know?
0:23:09 > 0:23:12WOMAN SOBS
0:23:12 > 0:23:14MAN MOANS IN PAIN
0:23:14 > 0:23:21Oooh! Aaah! Aah! Aah!
0:23:21 > 0:23:25- What have they done to Big Pat, Doctor?- I don't know.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27But whatever it is, it's killing him.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29Aah! Aaaah!
0:23:29 > 0:23:32HE SCREAMS
0:23:32 > 0:23:36What have you done to Pat Jennings, you horrible bastards?!
0:23:36 > 0:23:40Come on, George. Where's the antidote?
0:23:47 > 0:23:50Eggs for breakfast.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07HE CONTINUES TO MOAN
0:24:07 > 0:24:08Hey!
0:24:10 > 0:24:13Now, that's what I call a flat back four.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45# Georgie... #
0:24:45 > 0:24:46Yow!
0:24:46 > 0:24:50My God! His hands! They're massive!
0:24:51 > 0:24:52Thank you, Georgie!
0:24:54 > 0:24:56But what was the secret antidote?
0:24:56 > 0:24:57Nutmeg.
0:24:59 > 0:25:00You know?
0:25:01 > 0:25:03What?
0:25:07 > 0:25:11Looks like you've got your hands full there, Big Pat.
0:25:11 > 0:25:15- I sure do, Georgie. - HE CHUCKLES
0:25:15 > 0:25:18What are you wearing there, you wee hoolie?
0:25:18 > 0:25:20My ma got me the new Brazil shirt.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22We're not Brazil.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24We're Northern Ireland.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35Hello there, and welcome here to A Wander Wi' Willie.
0:25:35 > 0:25:38Lesley the animal expert is going to show me how to deal
0:25:38 > 0:25:40with a very murderous animal.
0:25:41 > 0:25:43Yes.
0:25:43 > 0:25:48Ah, yes, Willie, I named those ones rabbits.
0:25:48 > 0:25:56They can be very frightening now, but whatever you do, you must stay calm.
0:25:56 > 0:25:57OK, Lesley.
0:25:57 > 0:26:01Yes, Willie, yes!
0:26:01 > 0:26:03No, Willie!
0:26:04 > 0:26:07You've killed him, Willie!
0:26:07 > 0:26:11HE SHRIEKS HYSTERICALLY
0:26:16 > 0:26:18You killed him!
0:26:19 > 0:26:22HE CONTINUES TO SHRIEK
0:26:24 > 0:26:27Mmm! Mmm!
0:26:28 > 0:26:30That's a nice wee doggie.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32DOG BARKS GENTLY
0:26:34 > 0:26:38- A special kind of doggie, Willy. - Why's that, then, Lesley?
0:26:38 > 0:26:44- You see when he won't stop barking? He's a punting dog.- A hunting dog?
0:26:45 > 0:26:48No, no, no. A punting dog.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57Wow. That was some punt.
0:26:57 > 0:27:01Did you like that, kid? Let's go find you a punting dog.
0:27:02 > 0:27:03# Who can take a sunrise
0:27:03 > 0:27:06# Who can take a sunrise
0:27:06 > 0:27:08# Sprinkle it with dew
0:27:08 > 0:27:10# Sprinkle it with dew
0:27:10 > 0:27:13# Cover it with chocolate and a miracle or two
0:27:13 > 0:27:15# The candyman
0:27:15 > 0:27:17# The candyman
0:27:17 > 0:27:18# Ooh, the candyman can
0:27:18 > 0:27:20# The candyman can
0:27:20 > 0:27:21# The candyman can
0:27:21 > 0:27:25# Cos he mixes it with love and makes the world taste good
0:27:25 > 0:27:28# He makes the world taste good
0:27:28 > 0:27:30# Who can take a rainbow
0:27:30 > 0:27:32# Who can take a rainbow
0:27:32 > 0:27:33# Wrap it in a sigh
0:27:33 > 0:27:35# Wrap it in a sigh
0:27:35 > 0:27:39# Soak it in the sun and make a groovy lemon pie?
0:27:39 > 0:27:41# The candyman
0:27:41 > 0:27:43# The candyman
0:27:43 > 0:27:44# The candyman can
0:27:44 > 0:27:46# The candyman can
0:27:46 > 0:27:48# The candyman can
0:27:48 > 0:27:50# Cos he mixes it with love and makes the world taste good... #
0:27:50 > 0:27:53Well, there you have it. What a day we've had.
0:27:53 > 0:27:58I've seen a hedge hog, a rab-bit, and some punting dogs.
0:27:58 > 0:28:00And Lesley the animal man has taught me
0:28:00 > 0:28:05that I can make animals more scared of me than I am of them.
0:28:05 > 0:28:07If only I could fiddle with them.
0:28:10 > 0:28:12# Who can take a rainbow
0:28:12 > 0:28:14# Who can take a rainbow...? #
0:28:17 > 0:28:20My name has been Diarmuid Corr,
0:28:20 > 0:28:23you've been fantastic, thank you, good night.
0:28:23 > 0:28:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:26 > 0:28:29Well, there you have it. How about this?
0:28:29 > 0:28:31Holy crap!
0:28:31 > 0:28:33- Yow!- Cry on at ye burial.
0:28:33 > 0:28:36What could be nicer? Cash in the bank.
0:28:36 > 0:28:37Eggs for breakfast.
0:28:37 > 0:28:40Stop trying to put words into my mouth.
0:28:40 > 0:28:41Aaah!
0:28:41 > 0:28:42Excuse me.
0:28:42 > 0:28:45- They take your kidneys out in youth hostels.- Bollocks.
0:28:45 > 0:28:47Kick the balls out the door, George.
0:28:47 > 0:28:48You do the math.
0:28:48 > 0:28:50And start using your hairy brain.
0:28:50 > 0:28:51Just say what you see!
0:28:51 > 0:28:53Bon appetit.
0:28:53 > 0:28:56Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:56 > 0:28:59E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk