0:00:02 > 0:00:04The programme that we're about to watch is
0:00:04 > 0:00:09a taste of Melvin Kenneth Smith in action.
0:00:09 > 0:00:15Mel, Smudger... Cecil B deMel, as he was known to some people...
0:00:15 > 0:00:20was a man of protean talents, who certainly loved life.
0:00:20 > 0:00:26It was an incredible shock to all of us that he had died so early.
0:00:28 > 0:00:30Although, I think there were a few of us
0:00:30 > 0:00:32who thought it was a bit of shock he survived so long.
0:00:32 > 0:00:34He did love life, Mel.
0:00:34 > 0:00:37He tended to seize it by the lapels, give it a good old shake
0:00:37 > 0:00:39and take it out to dinner.
0:00:39 > 0:00:41And he was certainly...
0:00:41 > 0:00:45He was certainly never one to leave a party early.
0:00:45 > 0:00:49We shall miss him. This is an extract, as it were,
0:00:49 > 0:00:53from a television series that we made for the BBC.
0:00:55 > 0:01:00I think, altogether, we made about 30 hours of sketch show.
0:01:00 > 0:01:06Archaeologists tell me that this one dates from around 1995.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08If you've never seen Mel before,
0:01:08 > 0:01:11then this is obviously a chance to catch up with him.
0:01:11 > 0:01:15If you have, well, this will reacquaint you with his bristly chin,
0:01:15 > 0:01:18Rembrandt nose and impeccable timing.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27MUFFLED SQUEAKING
0:01:27 > 0:01:30MUFFLED GROANS OF MAN AND WOMAN
0:01:33 > 0:01:34SQUEAKING AND GROANING CONTINUE
0:01:36 > 0:01:40- MAN:- Oh! Oh, yeah! Yeah! Ah! Oh!
0:01:40 > 0:01:44- WOMAN:- Oh, yes! Yes!- Yeah! Yeah!- Ohhhh!- Ohh!
0:01:44 > 0:01:46SQUEAKING STOPS
0:01:52 > 0:01:54Are your parents going to be staying long?
0:02:12 > 0:02:16APPLAUSE
0:02:25 > 0:02:29- This is a bit of a treat for us because...- Hold on. Sorry, hang on.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31Sorry. Sorry. No. I can't start.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33I can't...
0:02:33 > 0:02:36- Sorry. I can't find something. - What is the matter?
0:02:36 > 0:02:38Erm.. I've... God.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40I've lost something.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42The audience mainly, I think.
0:02:43 > 0:02:48- It's a...- Your credibility? Have you lost it somewhere?
0:02:48 > 0:02:50"I had my credibility here somewhere - I've just lost it."
0:02:50 > 0:02:52No. It's-it's-it's a little silver box.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54Oh, right. What? Like this, you mean?
0:02:54 > 0:02:56Yeah, it's very much...
0:02:56 > 0:02:57- That's it!- Argh!
0:02:57 > 0:03:00Oh, thank God for that. Thank God for that.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02- Can you give it to me?- Whoo!
0:03:02 > 0:03:04GRIFF LAUGHS
0:03:04 > 0:03:07- Thanks very much.- Whoo! - For God's sake.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10Don't be so bloody childish.
0:03:12 > 0:03:13Me, childish?
0:03:13 > 0:03:15Now, will you tell us...?
0:03:15 > 0:03:18Why don't you tell us all what this is, Mel? What is it?
0:03:18 > 0:03:22MEL WHISPERS
0:03:24 > 0:03:27Hello, Sam, I think Mel's mic is broken here.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30- I can't...- It's a silver snuff box, for God's sake!
0:03:30 > 0:03:33- It's a what? Silver snuff box. MUMBLES:- It's a lucky...
0:03:33 > 0:03:35It's a LUCKY...
0:03:36 > 0:03:40..silver snuff box.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42- Just...- Ooh!
0:03:42 > 0:03:44Just... Look, leave it. Just don't touch it, please!
0:03:44 > 0:03:47No. But there's something in here, isn't there? Something inside.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49There is... There is something inside.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52Well, of course there is. Actually...
0:03:52 > 0:03:54Actually, it's a four-leaf clover.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57MURMURS OF LAUGHTER
0:03:57 > 0:04:01It's a four-leaf clover, ladies and gentlemen.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04- Which, if you weren't aware of it, Griff, is actually very rare.- Yes.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07Well, I know they're rare cos they only grow in leprechaun's
0:04:07 > 0:04:09- gardens, don't they?- Oh, shut up!
0:04:09 > 0:04:11- It's a fake!- It is not a fake!
0:04:11 > 0:04:15Don't touch it! I'm sorry. I know this looks pathetic.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18I know this looks pathetic. I'm sorry. I apologise. But...
0:04:18 > 0:04:21The story about how that four-leaf clover came to me
0:04:21 > 0:04:24is quite extraordinary, ladies and gentlemen, it really is.
0:04:24 > 0:04:25See...
0:04:25 > 0:04:29Apparently, my great uncle on my mother's side, he was...
0:04:29 > 0:04:30He was...
0:04:34 > 0:04:36He was in the trenches.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41What? He worked for the Gas Board, you mean?
0:04:41 > 0:04:44- In the war. In the First World War, yes.- Oh, in the war?
0:04:44 > 0:04:46Right in the war, yes.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49- We're all listening. Yes, go on. - And one...- Yeah.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52..very early dawn, they were all hunkered down there,
0:04:52 > 0:04:53waiting for the final push.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56GRIFF MAKES TRUMPET NOISE
0:04:56 > 0:04:59And there was that eerie silence...
0:04:59 > 0:05:02Yes. That always comes when you tell one of these stories.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05..that always comes just after the bombardments have ceased.
0:05:05 > 0:05:10And there, crouched down in the gore and the mud, was my Uncle Athol.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14Your Uncle Athol?
0:05:14 > 0:05:16- Athol Smith.- Ah, right.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18- This was Granny Smith's husband. - That was his name.
0:05:20 > 0:05:21- Anyway, he was...- Yeah.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23He was just about to go over the top.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25Right, so it runs in the family.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29He was waiting for the order, you know, to attack,
0:05:29 > 0:05:32when, down there amongst the devastation, he spotted
0:05:32 > 0:05:34something very, very small and green,
0:05:34 > 0:05:37just poking through the Flanders mud.
0:05:37 > 0:05:38He bent down to examine it more closely
0:05:38 > 0:05:42and it was that selfsame lucky four-leaf clover.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44I say "lucky" because, at that precise moment,
0:05:44 > 0:05:47as he bent down, a 22-inch Howitzer shell went 'zoom',
0:05:47 > 0:05:49straight across where his head had been
0:05:49 > 0:05:52and completely wiped out the rest of his platoon.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54Ah. So it wasn't very lucky for them then.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Perhaps not but, since that time...
0:06:01 > 0:06:04..that heirloom has meant something indefinable to my family.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06It's...
0:06:06 > 0:06:08It's value is incalculable.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10I know you find it funny but...
0:06:11 > 0:06:14..it's very, very precious to me.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18- Can I have it, please? - Erm...
0:06:18 > 0:06:20- Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There we are. - Thanks.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22Just put it back away in your pocket.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25Be best there. It's safest there.
0:06:25 > 0:06:26But DON'T you think...?
0:06:26 > 0:06:31It's a little bit silly just to think that something as sort of...
0:06:31 > 0:06:35As ordinary as a piece of mutant organic matter should be
0:06:35 > 0:06:37responsible in some way for your fortune?
0:06:37 > 0:06:40What can I say? It works for me.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43LAUGHTER
0:06:46 > 0:06:50APPLAUSE
0:06:53 > 0:06:58# You're driving to the office in a world of your own
0:06:58 > 0:07:03# Or maybe you've been shopping and you're about to ring home
0:07:03 > 0:07:08# Some easy listening radio has helped the kids to nap
0:07:08 > 0:07:13# But as Jimmy Young meanders on, you're heading for a trap
0:07:15 > 0:07:20MONKEYS SQUEAL
0:07:25 > 0:07:28# We're windscreen wipers
0:07:28 > 0:07:30# Squeegee snipers
0:07:30 > 0:07:33# The lights turn red and out we pop
0:07:33 > 0:07:36# We blackmail drivers So get out your fivers
0:07:36 > 0:07:39# Got a smile on our face and a chamois in our hand
0:07:39 > 0:07:41# And a bucket and a mop
0:07:45 > 0:07:49# We're high-speed soapsud psychos with our high-speed windscreen wash
0:07:49 > 0:07:52# Gonna spray your screens with grease and slime
0:07:52 > 0:07:53# And relive you of your dosh
0:08:09 > 0:08:13# No bus, no tram, no transit van escapes our chamois leather
0:08:13 > 0:08:15# Cos once you've stopped, you're buggered
0:08:15 > 0:08:17# Anywhere or any weather
0:08:17 > 0:08:21# Zebra crossings, roundabouts You'll be done sooner or later
0:08:21 > 0:08:25# And never guess we filled our buckets from your radiator
0:08:25 > 0:08:28# We're windscreen wipers Squeegee snipers
0:08:29 > 0:08:32# The lights turn red and out we pop
0:08:32 > 0:08:35# We're the urban guerrillas
0:08:35 > 0:08:37# We'll adjust your mirrors
0:08:37 > 0:08:39# With a smile on our face and a chamois in our hand
0:08:39 > 0:08:41# And a bucket and a mop. #
0:08:49 > 0:08:52APPLAUSE
0:08:59 > 0:09:02There we are, Michael Thomas, Great Britain.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05Big lad. He's putting everything into that but...
0:09:05 > 0:09:08Oh, no. No, that's a bit low.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10It's fading now. I think he's... Oh!
0:09:10 > 0:09:12Oh, no. Now, this is quite unexpected but...
0:09:14 > 0:09:18But it is adding something there. No. No. He's back the other way.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20Wait. Wait. No.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22Now, he's coming up to the 90-yard line.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25Is he going to cross it? Is he going to cross it?
0:09:25 > 0:09:28He's over the 90-metre line! This is fantastic!
0:09:28 > 0:09:32This is an opportunity in British athletics like we've never seen!
0:09:32 > 0:09:34And he's down! And it's a record!
0:09:34 > 0:09:36Well, that's... That's quite unexpected.
0:09:38 > 0:09:44DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS
0:09:48 > 0:09:51Please, Miss, don't be alarmed. I mean you no harm.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53You see, I'm being pursued by some agents
0:09:53 > 0:09:55who mean this great country ill.
0:09:55 > 0:09:59It is imperative I meet with the Prime Minister by noon tomorrow -
0:09:59 > 0:10:01they will have me dead before I do so.
0:10:01 > 0:10:08If I beg you, please, when I release my hand, do not make a sound.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13SHE SCREAMS
0:10:13 > 0:10:21I must ask you to think again about that great country we call England.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24At this moment, you hold the safety of it in your hands.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26Do you understand?
0:10:29 > 0:10:31And you promise not to scream?
0:10:31 > 0:10:34It is of the utmost importance that you remain calm.
0:10:36 > 0:10:37SHE SCREAMS
0:10:41 > 0:10:43Er, excuse me, Miss, is everything all right?
0:10:43 > 0:10:46- I thought I heard screaming. - Oh, yes, I'm fine.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48How are you, darling?
0:10:48 > 0:10:50What?
0:10:51 > 0:10:52Oh...
0:10:52 > 0:10:54Splendid, thank you.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59Thank heavens you saw the truth of...
0:10:59 > 0:11:00SHE SCREAMS
0:11:00 > 0:11:03Could have sworn I heard screaming, Miss.
0:11:03 > 0:11:08Really? Perhaps it's coming from the next compartment.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15SHE SCREAMS
0:11:19 > 0:11:20SHE SCREAMS
0:11:22 > 0:11:24SHE SCREAMS
0:11:25 > 0:11:28I really must ask you, Miss, what you are doing.
0:11:28 > 0:11:29I must confide in you.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32I admit, I caused this young lady some alarm but, you see,
0:11:32 > 0:11:35I'm being followed by agents of a hostile foreign power.
0:11:35 > 0:11:36The peace of this great nation of ours
0:11:36 > 0:11:39rests almost entirely in my hands.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41I must be in London by noon tomorrow.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44Can I trust you in this momentous hour?
0:11:44 > 0:11:46HE SCREAMS
0:11:46 > 0:11:48SHE SCREAMS
0:11:48 > 0:11:52TRUMPET MUSIC
0:11:59 > 0:12:02HE SNIFFS
0:12:02 > 0:12:04HE GRUNTS
0:12:09 > 0:12:11HE SNORTS
0:12:17 > 0:12:20HE COUGHS
0:12:32 > 0:12:36HE COUGHS
0:12:40 > 0:12:42HE GRUNTS
0:12:52 > 0:12:55I've definitely got a cold, you know.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01Good.
0:13:01 > 0:13:05HE COUGHS LOUDLY
0:13:05 > 0:13:09HE COUGHS
0:13:10 > 0:13:12I'm sorry. I'm not very good company, am I?
0:13:12 > 0:13:14Aren't you(?)
0:13:14 > 0:13:17I'm all sort of blocked up. I'm all gooey and it's like...
0:13:17 > 0:13:20It's like I've got snails slithering down my...
0:13:20 > 0:13:21Oh, please! Please! Please!
0:13:25 > 0:13:26God.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30Can I get you anything at all?
0:13:30 > 0:13:32HE SIGHS
0:13:32 > 0:13:33Like a taxi.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37Look, I can't breathe, all right?
0:13:37 > 0:13:40For heaven's sake. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43Look, here we are. I have a cough sweet.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45- I don't want a cough sweet. - Have a cough sweet.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47- My nasal passages are in tatters. - Have a cough sweet.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50It's not one of those hot ones, is it?
0:13:50 > 0:13:52Just take it, please.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54I don't want it being a hot one. I mean...
0:13:59 > 0:14:03HE SUCKS LOUDLY
0:14:06 > 0:14:08Argh!
0:14:08 > 0:14:10Hoo! Hoo!
0:14:11 > 0:14:13Ha! Ho! Ho! Ho!
0:14:16 > 0:14:18- Argh!- Spit it out!
0:14:26 > 0:14:28Argh!
0:14:28 > 0:14:30Argh!
0:15:03 > 0:15:05And the sweet, come on.
0:15:07 > 0:15:11APPLAUSE
0:15:12 > 0:15:15OPERA PLAYS
0:15:15 > 0:15:24HE SINGS POWERFULLY
0:15:25 > 0:15:26Wank.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35Did you hear something at the end there?
0:15:36 > 0:15:38- Better... Better run it once again. - Hmm.
0:15:39 > 0:15:43- Er, Gregorio?- Si?
0:15:43 > 0:15:45We seemed to have a little trouble at the end there.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47Could we take it again? Just the last bit.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50Just the very last part?
0:15:50 > 0:15:51OK.
0:15:54 > 0:16:02HE SINGS
0:16:02 > 0:16:03Wank.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07What's he saying there? Wank?
0:16:07 > 0:16:09Yes, it is. I think it's wank.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14- Er, Gregorio?- Si.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16You seem to be taking on a wank there.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20Can we try it again without the wank?
0:16:21 > 0:16:23I was not aware of it.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25I think there's a wank there.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29HE CLEARS THROAT
0:16:30 > 0:16:38HE SINGS
0:16:38 > 0:16:40Wank.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45Almost perfect...
0:16:45 > 0:16:48except you're still saying wank.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51Can we try it again...without the wank?
0:16:51 > 0:16:53It's just a bit superfluous.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56You don't really need it... the wank.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59Yeah. If you could stop short of the wank. That possible?
0:16:59 > 0:17:03- No wank? - Very well. One. One, OK? One.
0:17:03 > 0:17:07- OK. Let's go. - HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:17:09 > 0:17:14HE SINGS
0:17:18 > 0:17:21Not too sure about that one.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24No. Gregorio, I think you're right.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26I think it's better with the wank.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29APPLAUSE
0:17:32 > 0:17:37CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS
0:17:37 > 0:17:39SQUEAKING
0:17:49 > 0:17:51Everything all right, sir?
0:17:51 > 0:17:54Yeah. I'm just doing a spot of ironing, officer.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57- Right.- Thank you.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10HE GROANS
0:18:10 > 0:18:11Hurrrgh!
0:18:19 > 0:18:21HE SCREAMS
0:18:35 > 0:18:36Oi!
0:18:36 > 0:18:38Oi!
0:18:38 > 0:18:40Sorry. I'm sorry, mate, I was miles away.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43What's...? Dear, oh, dear. What state are you in? What's wrong?
0:18:43 > 0:18:46- I'm just... I've not been sleeping very well.- No?
0:18:46 > 0:18:50No. I've got... I've got a little bit of trouble...
0:18:50 > 0:18:53with the sleeping at the moment because...
0:18:53 > 0:18:55I'm having this terrible recurring nightmare.
0:18:58 > 0:18:59What is it?
0:19:15 > 0:19:18It's a dream what comes over and over again.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20I know that. Obviously, I know that.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22I know... What I'm saying is, what is the dream about?
0:19:22 > 0:19:25Oh, right. In my dream, I am...
0:19:25 > 0:19:26I'm at work, right?
0:19:26 > 0:19:27Well, that's incredible(!)
0:19:27 > 0:19:30So, I'm at International Meat Recovery, right?
0:19:30 > 0:19:33- What, the sausage factory? - The sausage factory, yeah.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36- I'm working on the old sausage line. - On the sausage line, yeah.
0:19:36 > 0:19:40- Chugga-chugga-chugga...- I know. The old sausage-chopping machine.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43That's right. There's all the people around everywhere
0:19:43 > 0:19:46- and I'm on the old sausage line... - Chugga-chugga-chugga...
0:19:46 > 0:19:47..only I've got no clothes on.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52You...
0:19:52 > 0:19:55- I'm stark-bollock naked. - You're stark-bollock naked...
0:19:55 > 0:19:59- working on the sausage-chopping machine.- Yeah.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02Well, that's a nightmare, obviously. Terrible nightmare, of course it is.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04- But the thing is...- Yeah, go on.
0:20:04 > 0:20:05..I'm naked except for...
0:20:05 > 0:20:07I've got this tiny vest.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09A little vest.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11- A tiny little vest like this, right? - Yeah.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13I'm pulling at the vest...
0:20:13 > 0:20:15I'm pulling it down. I'm pulling it as hard as I can.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20And no matter how hard I pull it, I can't cover...
0:20:20 > 0:20:22- I can't cover... - Cover your embarrassment.
0:20:22 > 0:20:23My cock. I can't cover my cock.
0:20:24 > 0:20:28- It won't come down far enough. - Ah. Now, actually, funnily enough...
0:20:28 > 0:20:30This is... This, actually, is very common.
0:20:30 > 0:20:33Is it? Well, Marks & Spencer should do something about it.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35No. No. Not... Not the...
0:20:35 > 0:20:37Not the vest bit. The dream is a very, very common dream.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40- A lot of people have this dream. - Do they?- Oh, yeah.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42Now, you see... Cos I know a lot about this.
0:20:42 > 0:20:43Now, basically, what's happening here
0:20:43 > 0:20:47is that there is something in your past you're ashamed of, right?
0:20:47 > 0:20:49You're ashamed of your past and you know what you're doing?
0:20:49 > 0:20:51- Yeah.- You're repressing that.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53You are repressing that thing in your past.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55How do you know that then?
0:20:55 > 0:20:57Woman's Hour, as you do.
0:20:57 > 0:20:58And...
0:20:58 > 0:21:01The thing is, can you think what that might be?
0:21:01 > 0:21:04That thing that happened in your past...
0:21:04 > 0:21:06that you're ashamed of.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12No. I can't think of anything. I can't think of nothing at all...
0:21:13 > 0:21:17..except that time I went to work with no clothes on.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19Is this your son?
0:21:20 > 0:21:22- HE GASPS - Oh, God.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26HE SOBS
0:21:26 > 0:21:28No, I can't. I can't...
0:21:29 > 0:21:31HE CONTINUES SOBBING
0:21:31 > 0:21:33Well, come on! Is it or isn't it?!
0:21:35 > 0:21:38Well, it's my own hair, actually.
0:21:40 > 0:21:46CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS
0:22:04 > 0:22:06Oh, dear.
0:22:06 > 0:22:10Well, I think it's stupid to get Peter Greenaway to do the video.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14Oh, please, no. Just let us...
0:22:16 > 0:22:19Stop it. Stop it. Stop. Stop.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21Please, just don't do that.
0:22:21 > 0:22:25God, you're a brute. You're a horrible, horrible brute.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27Stop it! Look, just take that.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29And cut.
0:22:29 > 0:22:30Please. Sorry, that's great. I think...
0:22:30 > 0:22:34We're missing something here because it's good but this is weak.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37This... You hate this man, right?
0:22:37 > 0:22:39He's a loathsome, repellent slug!
0:22:39 > 0:22:41You know, he's a bastard, isn't he?
0:22:41 > 0:22:45- He's a bastard.- Bastard. Bastard!
0:22:45 > 0:22:47Yeah, but that still feels weak, you see.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49It felts quite strong to me.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52I think... Just a little bit...
0:22:52 > 0:22:53Bastard!
0:22:53 > 0:22:56Don't be afraid of it. Come on.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58Bastard! Bastard! Bastard!
0:22:59 > 0:23:01Hang on. Just a minute.
0:23:01 > 0:23:02Let me try this.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07Bastard! Bastard! Bastard!
0:23:07 > 0:23:10- Actually, Alan...- Hang on. Hang on a minute, please.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12- Just a minute.- Sorry, I just was...
0:23:14 > 0:23:17Bastard!
0:23:17 > 0:23:19Bastard! Bastard!
0:23:22 > 0:23:25Bastard! Bastard! Bastard!
0:23:27 > 0:23:29Bastard!
0:23:29 > 0:23:31Or...
0:23:34 > 0:23:35I think that's too...
0:23:35 > 0:23:37How about...? Bastard!
0:23:37 > 0:23:39Bastard!
0:23:39 > 0:23:41- Argh!- I don't think...
0:23:41 > 0:23:44Her character wouldn't do that.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46- No?- Let's start again.
0:23:46 > 0:23:50Come straight in, really close, look him in the eyes and say,
0:23:50 > 0:23:52"I hate you, you bastard."
0:23:52 > 0:23:54Grab him by the bollocks and twist...
0:23:54 > 0:23:55HE SCREAMS
0:23:55 > 0:23:56Twist.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58OK? How does that feel?
0:24:01 > 0:24:03CLASSIC ROCK MUSIC PLAYS
0:24:10 > 0:24:12- Cheryl.- Doug.- Cheryl.- Doug.
0:24:12 > 0:24:16- Cheryl.- Oh, Doug. - Cheryl.- Doug.- Cheryl.- Doug.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22- Oh, Doug.- Oh, Cheryl.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24Oh, Doug. Oh, Doug.
0:24:24 > 0:24:25Oh, Doug.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28- Cheryl.- Oh, Doug.- Cheryl.- Oh, Doug.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31- Cheryl! - CLANKING - Oh, Doug!
0:24:31 > 0:24:33You're naughty.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35My false leg's fallen off.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38I'll put it back on for you.
0:24:38 > 0:24:39Where does it go?
0:24:40 > 0:24:44All right. Now, pay attention. We're all ready to go, OK?
0:24:44 > 0:24:47Now, Nick, harness secure, yes? Helmet all right?
0:24:47 > 0:24:50OK. Now, you hold onto the rope. Stand facing me.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52You OK, mate? A little bit nervous. Don't worry.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55It's a bit nerve-racking first time. OK.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58So, now, I want you to keep your feet secure
0:24:58 > 0:25:01and trail out the rope as you descend, OK?
0:25:01 > 0:25:03All right.
0:25:03 > 0:25:04And...go!
0:25:04 > 0:25:13HE SCREAMS
0:25:16 > 0:25:20Right. Did anybody see what happened there?
0:25:23 > 0:25:25You didn't tie the rope onto anything.
0:25:25 > 0:25:29Correct. I did not tie the rope onto anything.
0:25:29 > 0:25:33Never, never, never not tie the rope onto anything, OK?
0:25:33 > 0:25:35Right, who's going next?
0:25:39 > 0:25:42Look, I'm sorry, would you mind if I pushed in?
0:25:42 > 0:25:44- No, not at all. - Thanks a lot. Thanks a lot.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47Oi, just a minute. Just a minute. Hey, just a minute.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50- Just a minute. Just a minute.- What? - What do you think you're doing?
0:25:50 > 0:25:53- You can't just push in like that. - What? He doesn't mind.- I don't mind.
0:25:53 > 0:25:58- See, he doesn't mind. - Hang on. Just-just-just a minute.
0:25:58 > 0:26:02It's not up to him to mind or not to mind. I mind. I mind!
0:26:02 > 0:26:04And, if I mind, he should mind.
0:26:04 > 0:26:07I mind and he doesn't mind that I mind.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10Piss off.
0:26:10 > 0:26:11No. Just a minute. Hang on.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13Hang on. Just a minute. Hello. Just a minute.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15Look, listen, mate... Look, look, you're not just...
0:26:15 > 0:26:17You're not just pushing in front of him,
0:26:17 > 0:26:19you see, you're pushing in front of everybody...
0:26:19 > 0:26:21You're pushing in front of the whole queue here.
0:26:21 > 0:26:23- You're pushing in front of the... - I'm in a hurry.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25What does that mean, "I'm in a hurry"? I'm in a hurry.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27- I'm not in a hurry. - Oh, shut up, you!
0:26:27 > 0:26:30You should never have let him push in front of you in the first place.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32You've no thought for other people, you haven't.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34Yes, I have. I was thinking of him. He's in a hurry.
0:26:34 > 0:26:37Why don't you just leave him alone? Stop bullying him, all right?
0:26:37 > 0:26:38- Bully?! Me?!- Yeah, you!
0:26:38 > 0:26:41Me start bullying him?! I'm bullying him now, am I?!
0:26:41 > 0:26:43You push in front of him and I'm a bully!
0:26:43 > 0:26:45- You're a bully! - I'm a bully?!
0:26:45 > 0:26:47- You're a bloody bully! - BOTH SHOUT OVER EACH OTHER
0:26:47 > 0:26:49I'll tell you what I'll do, you come in front of me then.
0:26:49 > 0:26:52If you're in such a hurry, go on, you come in front of me then!
0:26:52 > 0:26:54I don't want to go in front of you - that's not the point.
0:26:54 > 0:26:56- Well, what is the point then? - The point...
0:26:56 > 0:26:59The point is I don't want you to go in front of me, that's the point!
0:26:59 > 0:27:02- That's the point. - Look, you go in front of him, right?
0:27:02 > 0:27:03You'll be in the same position in the queue.
0:27:03 > 0:27:06You were behind him. Now, you'll be behind me.
0:27:06 > 0:27:07Now, what's the difference?
0:27:08 > 0:27:11Well, the difference is... The difference is...
0:27:11 > 0:27:13Well, it's a terrible imposition on this man,
0:27:13 > 0:27:15- that's the difference, isn't it? - Yes, but I don't mind!
0:27:15 > 0:27:18Oh, well, if you want to be bossed around your whole life, who cares?
0:27:18 > 0:27:19You stay there then!
0:27:19 > 0:27:22You shouldn't let people push in front of you like that.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25I've got all the time in the world, you see.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27What would happen if everybody just pushed...?
0:27:27 > 0:27:29BOTH TALK OVER EACH OTHER
0:27:32 > 0:27:35Just a minute! Just a minute. What do you think you're doing?
0:27:35 > 0:27:37You can't just push in front like that!
0:27:37 > 0:27:39- You can't!- Why not? - Well, because I was here first.
0:27:39 > 0:27:42- No, you weren't, I was.- No, you weren't.- Yes, he was.- Well, I was.
0:27:42 > 0:27:45Well, yes, he was. Yes. But... But he let me come in front of him.
0:27:45 > 0:27:47- Just like I've let him come in front of me.- N-no, no!
0:27:47 > 0:27:48He only let me come in front of him
0:27:48 > 0:27:50because he let you go in front of him.
0:27:50 > 0:27:52I'd have never have let him let me go in front of him
0:27:52 > 0:27:54if I'd known you were going to let him go in front of you.
0:28:06 > 0:28:08- Well, I thought that was obvious. - Who was here first?- Well, I was.
0:28:08 > 0:28:11- Well, I'll serve you next. - No, no, no, you won't!
0:28:11 > 0:28:12He doesn't want to be served first.
0:28:12 > 0:28:14He's got all the time in the world, apparently.
0:28:14 > 0:28:16Look, I'll tell you what we're going to do.
0:28:16 > 0:28:18You made such a bloody fuss about it,
0:28:18 > 0:28:21why don't you go first? You go first! You go first!
0:28:23 > 0:28:26I don't want to go first. ALL: Go first!
0:28:32 > 0:28:35I'll have 20,000 5p pieces, please.
0:28:58 > 0:29:00It's all right. It's OK.
0:29:00 > 0:29:01It's all right.
0:29:04 > 0:29:06I'm in a bit of a hurry and...
0:29:06 > 0:29:08I've peed in my pants now.
0:29:10 > 0:29:13# Hope you've had your money's worth
0:29:13 > 0:29:15# And been delirious with mirth
0:29:16 > 0:29:19# What they say I guess it's true
0:29:19 > 0:29:21# Comedy's the hardest thing to do
0:29:22 > 0:29:26# As the evening sort of ends
0:29:26 > 0:29:28# Time to say auf wiedersehen
0:29:29 > 0:29:31# The show was patchy at its best
0:29:31 > 0:29:34# But let's not all get too depressed... #
0:29:35 > 0:29:39And just remember, he ain't heavy, he's just well-covered.
0:29:39 > 0:29:44And don't forget, there's only so much you can do with a weasel.
0:29:46 > 0:29:47# That's it
0:29:47 > 0:29:49# There'll be no funny bits after this bit
0:29:49 > 0:29:51# This is the end of it
0:29:51 > 0:29:55# No tiny titbit stuck on just after it
0:29:55 > 0:29:57# This is the end, end, end... #
0:29:57 > 0:29:59Subtitles By Red Bee Media Ltd