0:00:02 > 0:00:10This programme contains strong language.
0:00:10 > 0:00:12# There's a million things That I could change
0:00:12 > 0:00:15# But maybe it's all right
0:00:15 > 0:00:18# This is my life, this is my life... #
0:00:18 > 0:00:21'When Amber talks about boys, it can get a bit predictable.'
0:00:21 > 0:00:22He's gorgeous!
0:00:22 > 0:00:24(SOFTLY) He's gorgeous.
0:00:24 > 0:00:25He's gorgeous!
0:00:25 > 0:00:26He's gorgeous.
0:00:26 > 0:00:29You know Ryan? He's really gorgeous!
0:00:29 > 0:00:31PHONE BEEPS
0:00:31 > 0:00:33And he's an amazing kisser!
0:00:33 > 0:00:36'Then sometimes it's not so predictable.'
0:00:36 > 0:00:37I dunno why exactly.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40It's sort of like he's got a thousand tongues,
0:00:40 > 0:00:43like I'm a car and he's a car-wash machine.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45I'm actually finding it quite hard to visualise.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47You're lucky. I'm getting a vivid picture.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49And have I told you about his you-know-what?
0:00:49 > 0:00:51The unusual conical shape.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53No! I think I probably would have remembered!
0:00:53 > 0:00:55She probably doesn't mean conical,
0:00:55 > 0:00:57cos if it was conical, let's face it,
0:00:57 > 0:00:59it'd be in the museum for boys with freaky penises.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02There's a museum for boys with freaky penises?
0:01:02 > 0:01:03- No!- Oh.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05Well, anyways, it is conical.
0:01:05 > 0:01:08Like one of them orange traffic cones with a slightly rounded end?
0:01:08 > 0:01:09Yeah.
0:01:09 > 0:01:12- But not orange. - All right?
0:01:12 > 0:01:13Hi, Ryan.
0:01:13 > 0:01:16So, er, what's like a traffic cone?
0:01:16 > 0:01:17Oh, I dunno.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19Um...an ice-cream cone.
0:01:19 > 0:01:20- What? - Well, you know,
0:01:20 > 0:01:23it's like a traffic cone, cos it's, um... it's the same shape.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25But it's got ice cream in it.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27Yeah! And an ice cream cone
0:01:27 > 0:01:28is exactly the same shape as Ryan's...
0:01:28 > 0:01:32So, anyway, Ryan, are you liking it here?
0:01:32 > 0:01:33- You're not missing Hove too much? - Nah.
0:01:33 > 0:01:38Ryan is loving the local scenery around here.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40Just remember the basic rules and you'll be fine.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43Stay on the right side of the teachers and never do volleyball.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45Yeah, cos Mr Griggs is a giant paedo.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48If he's not molesting you, he's showing you pictures of his cat.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50Don't go toilet in the end cubical,
0:01:50 > 0:01:52it's haunted by the ghost of the first ever headmistress,
0:01:52 > 0:01:54and every 13th flush,
0:01:54 > 0:01:56she whooshes up out of the toilet and puts a death curse on you.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59Even you can't actually believe that, can you?
0:02:00 > 0:02:02No!
0:02:04 > 0:02:05TOILET FLUSHES
0:02:05 > 0:02:06FEMALE SCREAMS
0:02:06 > 0:02:08Course not.
0:02:09 > 0:02:10What's that?
0:02:11 > 0:02:13What?
0:02:13 > 0:02:14Holli, what you got in there?
0:02:14 > 0:02:16Nothing. CAR HORN TOOTS
0:02:16 > 0:02:18- Isn't that your dad? - Yeah. Who wants a lift?
0:02:21 > 0:02:22Sorry, Saz.
0:02:23 > 0:02:24Ah, thanks a lot(!)
0:02:26 > 0:02:28Forgot I had my bike.
0:02:31 > 0:02:32I'll put it in the boot!
0:02:39 > 0:02:41That's Amber's new boyfriend.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43So? Why would I be interested?
0:02:43 > 0:02:46Cos you were staring at 'em like you were going to burst into tears.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48What? No way, man. I don't give a shit.
0:02:48 > 0:02:49He's called Ryan.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51I know what he's called.
0:02:51 > 0:02:55He comes here to our school with some story about moving here from Hove.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57What's that about?
0:02:57 > 0:02:59Could it be that he's moved here from Hove?!
0:02:59 > 0:03:01Oh, yeah, yeah, but he comes here,
0:03:01 > 0:03:03onto my territory, looking at my women,
0:03:03 > 0:03:04walking my streets, breathing my air,
0:03:04 > 0:03:07and that makes me want to know who the fuck he is.
0:03:07 > 0:03:08Yeah, there is something weird...
0:03:08 > 0:03:10Look, he's not what he seems.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12There's a big, fat file on him somewhere, and I mean fat.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15He's got a secret, and it's something bad.
0:03:15 > 0:03:19And when I say bad, I mean wrong. And when I say wrong, I mean nasty.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21My Auntie Rose works in the school office.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23That's all I'm saying.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25We did not have this conversation.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28Didn't realise you was working for the MI5 now, Brandon.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31Just keep me posted on any new developments, yeah?
0:03:31 > 0:03:33Yeah. All right.
0:03:35 > 0:03:36Dickhead.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41You'll have to carry this thing on your own from here.
0:03:41 > 0:03:42Wait a minute.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44We're best mates, right?
0:03:44 > 0:03:46Right.
0:03:46 > 0:03:47We'd do anything for each other?
0:03:47 > 0:03:49This isn't about getting me to help you
0:03:49 > 0:03:50pull out Jemima's hair extensions, is it?
0:03:50 > 0:03:53No! Nothing like that.
0:03:53 > 0:03:54'As well as being Holli's best mate,
0:03:54 > 0:03:57'it's like I have to be her mum and dad as well.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59'But then she has to be a mum and dad
0:03:59 > 0:04:01'to all her brothers and sisters.'
0:04:01 > 0:04:03MUSIC: "Mayhem" by Imelda May
0:04:03 > 0:04:05# Mayhem, doo doo doo-doop
0:04:05 > 0:04:08# Yeah, mayhem, doo doo doo-doop
0:04:08 > 0:04:11# Yeah, mayhem, doo doo doo-doop... #
0:04:11 > 0:04:15'Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't want her any other way.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18'Except for hitting people, thieving stuff and being a tearaway,
0:04:18 > 0:04:20'she's a proper lovely girl.'
0:04:20 > 0:04:21Don't tell anyone, right?
0:04:23 > 0:04:26What the...? A rat?
0:04:26 > 0:04:28You've...you've...you've stolen a rat?
0:04:28 > 0:04:30No, I've stolen a hamster.
0:04:30 > 0:04:31I had to do it, man.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33- It's an emergency situation. - No!
0:04:33 > 0:04:35When you end up in the pupil referral unit
0:04:35 > 0:04:37with all the other kids who like stabbing each other,
0:04:37 > 0:04:39then it'll be an emergency situation!
0:04:39 > 0:04:41D'you want to get kicked out of school?
0:04:41 > 0:04:42No-one'll find out about it, innit.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44There's CCTV everywhere.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47It's OK, I got a disguise.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51Oh, my God.
0:04:51 > 0:04:52Why?
0:04:52 > 0:04:55It's for my brother Armani's birthday. He's desperate for a pet.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58- That's why they have pet shops. - I'm banned, aren't I?
0:04:58 > 0:04:59Oh, yeah.
0:04:59 > 0:05:00The incident.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03No-one understands - it was scientific curiosity.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05I just wanted to see what happens when fish get drunk.
0:05:05 > 0:05:06I remember.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09I didn't realise they'd all just fucking die, did I?
0:05:09 > 0:05:11Look, Holli, I gotta go.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13Dad's taking me to get a laptop and he's even promised not to make me
0:05:13 > 0:05:16- get the cheapest one. - You're so lucky!
0:05:16 > 0:05:18Aww! Come here!
0:05:18 > 0:05:20Get off! I'm fine.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23- Yeah, that's it. Lezz it up, sluts! - Get your tongues in!
0:05:23 > 0:05:26Ooh, what you got in there, your lezzy strap-on collection?
0:05:26 > 0:05:27Oh, no!
0:05:28 > 0:05:30- You lost your phone? - Give it back!
0:05:30 > 0:05:31Make me. Or come get it.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34- It's down there somewhere. - Give me back my fucking phone!
0:05:34 > 0:05:37Just stick your hand down there. It's in there somewhere.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39What's the matter, you scared?
0:05:39 > 0:05:41Ah, look, his hand's shakin'.
0:05:41 > 0:05:42Or you could just aks nicely.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44Please can I have my phone back?
0:05:44 > 0:05:46Yeah, course you can. PHONE RINGS AND VIBRATES
0:05:46 > 0:05:47Ooh!
0:05:47 > 0:05:48Someone's calling you.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51You've got it on vibrate.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53Ooh!
0:05:53 > 0:05:54It's nice!
0:05:54 > 0:05:56No, please! My mum will kill me if I lose it.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Uh-oh!
0:05:59 > 0:06:01I think I've lost it. BOY GROANS
0:06:01 > 0:06:02Oh, no. Wait.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05Ah! There it is.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07D'you want to take that?
0:06:09 > 0:06:12- WOMAN:- 'Tea will be on the table by now...'
0:06:12 > 0:06:13All right, Mum?
0:06:13 > 0:06:15LAUGHTER
0:06:17 > 0:06:20The thing is, I need you to look after it.
0:06:20 > 0:06:21Just till Saturday.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23Please, Viva!
0:06:24 > 0:06:26Best mates, right?
0:06:37 > 0:06:38Dinner is served.
0:06:38 > 0:06:42'Some boys are into music or Xbox or football.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45'My brother has a different hobby.'
0:06:45 > 0:06:47Can't you stop playing with your penis even when you're eating?
0:06:47 > 0:06:48What you talking about?
0:06:48 > 0:06:50I can tell by your face.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54Oh, my God! He just touched the ketchup with his wanking hand!
0:06:54 > 0:06:56- Dad! - OK, OK!
0:06:56 > 0:06:57Jamie, go wash your hands.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59This whole playing with yourself and then touching your food -
0:06:59 > 0:07:02- it's just not cool. - Not cool?
0:07:02 > 0:07:04It's disgusting!
0:07:04 > 0:07:06- We've gotta go. - You two are going somewhere?
0:07:06 > 0:07:07Are we?
0:07:07 > 0:07:10We're getting a scan of the baby. How could you forget that?!
0:07:10 > 0:07:12- But you said you'd take me to get a laptop.- Did I?
0:07:12 > 0:07:13How could you forget that?!
0:07:13 > 0:07:15Epic fail!
0:07:15 > 0:07:18- It's not a problem.- You can come with us to the scan and then...
0:07:18 > 0:07:20I'm so not interested in what your child looks like.
0:07:20 > 0:07:21Rob, we've gotta go now.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24SIGHS: Sorry, love.
0:07:24 > 0:07:25Oh, forget it! Just go with her.
0:07:25 > 0:07:26I'm only your daughter(!)
0:07:26 > 0:07:29It's not that big a deal not having a laptop, Viva.
0:07:29 > 0:07:30I teach at your school.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32Well, not really. Meaning?
0:07:32 > 0:07:34You're a PE teacher. It's not like being a real teacher, is it?
0:07:34 > 0:07:37- I did a four-year course. - Ah, yeah, I'm sure.
0:07:37 > 0:07:41Year one - handing out bibs. Year two - blowing a whistle.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44Year three - teaching PE teachers how to spell "PE".
0:07:44 > 0:07:46- Oh, and year four... - That's enough!
0:07:46 > 0:07:49One more word out of you, you'll be lucky to get a Biro.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52You know, I'd just like to say that this pregnancy is my special time
0:07:52 > 0:07:56and I don't want anything or anyone to spoil the preciousness...
0:07:56 > 0:07:59Christ, Jamie, will you stop playing with your doodle-donger!
0:08:13 > 0:08:15Thanks so much for leaving me to get the bus on my own(!)
0:08:15 > 0:08:17Really appreciated that.
0:08:17 > 0:08:20Oh, that's all right. Now, I saw you talking to Brandon.
0:08:20 > 0:08:21What'd he say about me?
0:08:21 > 0:08:23We were talking about Ryan.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25Mm. Cos Brandon still likes me and he's jealous?
0:08:25 > 0:08:28Hang on. What did Brandon say about still liking you?
0:08:28 > 0:08:30Oh, yeah, I remember. Nothing!
0:08:30 > 0:08:32- Are you sure? - Um, let me think.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34- Yes! - Come on, he's obviously jealous.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36Oh, my God! You've got two boys that want you?
0:08:36 > 0:08:38That is, "Oh, my God"!
0:08:38 > 0:08:40I'm not supposed to tell anyone this, but...
0:08:40 > 0:08:42Brandon thinks Ryan's got a secret.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44What secret? I love secrets!
0:08:44 > 0:08:45Is he getting me a kitten?
0:08:45 > 0:08:46No!
0:08:46 > 0:08:48With a little pink bow in its hair!
0:08:48 > 0:08:51Don't know what the secret is, but...
0:08:52 > 0:08:56...Brandon says it's bad and wrong
0:08:56 > 0:08:57and nasty.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59Well, if you think about it,
0:08:59 > 0:09:03the one thing we know about Ryan is that we know absolutely nothing...
0:09:04 > 0:09:06..about Ryan.
0:09:06 > 0:09:10We know he comes from Hove, although strangely,
0:09:10 > 0:09:12he doesn't have a Welsh accent.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14It's just a bit weird him turning up,
0:09:14 > 0:09:15middle of term.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17There's something weird about him.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20Well, he could be... This is just a random idea.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23..he could be one of those men who pretend to be teenagers
0:09:23 > 0:09:25so they can go back to school and meet girls,
0:09:25 > 0:09:27and in actual fact, he's 30!
0:09:27 > 0:09:28ALL: He's 30?!
0:09:28 > 0:09:32- Which would basically make him a paedo.- No way! He's not 30.
0:09:32 > 0:09:36Well, no! He's 17, his birthday's April, he's a Taurean,
0:09:36 > 0:09:39which is a dangerous mix with a Pisces, like me.
0:09:39 > 0:09:43So far we've been lucky, but if my moon enters Venus,
0:09:43 > 0:09:44it is, like, oh, my God!
0:09:44 > 0:09:47Oh, sorry I'm late - I had to puke.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49This little bear cub's got a mean streak.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51OK, jogging on the spot.
0:09:52 > 0:09:53I trust Ryan.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55Oh, good!
0:09:55 > 0:09:57I've been hoping we'll all talk about Ryan again(!)
0:09:57 > 0:09:59Maybe you can tell us that story
0:09:59 > 0:10:02about how he had seven fish fingers for his tea once.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04You don't get it, Saz.
0:10:04 > 0:10:05When a girl loves a boy,
0:10:05 > 0:10:09all the tiny things seem really, really, really amazing.
0:10:09 > 0:10:10Like, even his blackheads.
0:10:10 > 0:10:14But you wouldn't understand, cos you only love fractions.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16- Ohh! Cuss! - No.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18I get it. I understand about love and that.
0:10:18 > 0:10:19Just not a slag.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21Ohh, double cuss!
0:10:21 > 0:10:23Oh.
0:10:23 > 0:10:24Amber, just ask him about his past.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26If he's got nothing to hide, he'll tell you.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28If you do decide to dump him,
0:10:28 > 0:10:30could you get a picture of his weird conical cock first, please?
0:10:38 > 0:10:41'Mel used to be our goalie before she had a kid,
0:10:41 > 0:10:43'and she was well talented.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46'She used to make fake IDs, forge notes from parents
0:10:46 > 0:10:48'and she always remembered to smuggle vodka
0:10:48 > 0:10:50'onto the bus for the away games.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53'Like I said, well talented.'
0:10:53 > 0:10:55Could you keep an eye on Bitchcock for me and see what she gets up to?
0:10:55 > 0:10:57Why?
0:10:57 > 0:10:58My dad's having a baby with her
0:10:58 > 0:11:00and I want to check she's not up to anything.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02What, like a private detective?
0:11:04 > 0:11:06Did you know I wanted to be a policewoman once?
0:11:06 > 0:11:07Mel, you still can.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09You can go back to college when Baldie's older.
0:11:09 > 0:11:10And do what?
0:11:10 > 0:11:13- You're good at loads of things. - Well...
0:11:13 > 0:11:16I can roll a spliff with one hand
0:11:16 > 0:11:18while I change a shitty nappy with the other hand.
0:11:19 > 0:11:20That must be useful.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Yeah.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25And no-one wants to share that spliff neither.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27Here, d'you want a rollie?
0:11:27 > 0:11:28No, thanks.
0:11:38 > 0:11:42I've found out Ryan's secret and it's really bad.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44He's got a tattoo of a rose on his chest.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47And at first, I thought it looked well sexy and cool,
0:11:47 > 0:11:49but then I looked it up online and it turns out
0:11:49 > 0:11:53that a tattoo of a rose on his chest means he's in the Russian mafia.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55Deep breaths.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57I don't want a boyfriend who's in the Russian mafia.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00Amber, he comes from Hove. He's not in the Russian mafia.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03Yeah, but when I asked him about his past, he acted all weird.
0:12:03 > 0:12:04Well, what did he say?
0:12:04 > 0:12:06He said, "There's stuff about me and it's best you don't know."
0:12:06 > 0:12:09And I said, "What stuff?" And he said, "It's best you don't know."
0:12:09 > 0:12:11And I was too scared to say, "Are you in the Russian mafia?"
0:12:11 > 0:12:13in case he had to take me to the forest and kill me.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15So, what'd you do?
0:12:15 > 0:12:16Drank six bottles of Smirnoff Ice, had two shags,
0:12:16 > 0:12:18watched three episodes of Ice Road Truckers.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Even though you thought he was a deadly gangster?
0:12:20 > 0:12:23And I got this. It's Ryan's.
0:12:23 > 0:12:24You stole his phone? Amber!
0:12:24 > 0:12:25No, I didn't steal it.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28What happened was, after Ice Road Truckers, Ryan went for a poo
0:12:28 > 0:12:29and he was in there for ages
0:12:29 > 0:12:31- and there was a really bad smell... - Really?
0:12:31 > 0:12:34Tell me more about that. What sort of smell was it(?)
0:12:34 > 0:12:35- It was hard to describe... - What happened
0:12:35 > 0:12:37after Ryan went to the toilet?
0:12:37 > 0:12:40He wanted to try for a third shag, but my mum and dad came home,
0:12:40 > 0:12:43so he left in a big hurry and I found this behind the back of the toilet.
0:12:43 > 0:12:44You stole his phone, like I said.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46- So, you've read all his messages? - No.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48I wanted to, but I can't work out how to use his phone.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50- Give it here. - Ah!
0:12:50 > 0:12:52Come on, Saz, it's special circumstances.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54I don't want anything to do with this!
0:12:54 > 0:12:55- There we go. - I don't want to see.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58I'm just not the type of person to read other people's texts.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00Well, then, scrape out, then.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02Woah, Amber!
0:13:02 > 0:13:05You need to be careful what kind of pictures you're sending him.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07Though I suppose it could be anybody's bum.
0:13:07 > 0:13:08He loves my bum.
0:13:08 > 0:13:09KEYPAD BEEPS
0:13:09 > 0:13:11- Uh-oh.- Wait.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13That is so not my bum.
0:13:13 > 0:13:14Still don't want to see, but what is it?
0:13:14 > 0:13:16You might as well look.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19'Saz hasn't had much experience of naked people yet.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28'Now she's pretty much seen it all.'
0:13:34 > 0:13:36You're looking at pictures of naked girls on your boyfriend's phone.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38Why are you so happy?
0:13:38 > 0:13:40All these girls are fatter than me.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43'Cute, fluffy and not very bright.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45'Amber has a lot in common with
0:13:45 > 0:13:46'the hamster I'm looking after for Holli.'
0:13:46 > 0:13:50Kill that sucker! Kill that sucker, kill that sucker!
0:13:50 > 0:13:52Ohh! That sucker killed you!
0:13:52 > 0:13:54He always gets me.
0:13:54 > 0:13:55- It's like he hates me. - Can you be quiet?
0:13:55 > 0:13:57I'm trying to "smill".
0:13:57 > 0:13:59- Can you "smill" that "smill"? - Oh, what?
0:13:59 > 0:14:01She's saying "smell".
0:14:01 > 0:14:03- Like a rodent smill. - SHE SNIFFS
0:14:03 > 0:14:05I've been terrified of rodents
0:14:05 > 0:14:07since a rat nested in my teddy bear when I was three.
0:14:07 > 0:14:08I can't smell nothing.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10Probably Jamie's aftershave. Eau de Ratboy.
0:14:10 > 0:14:14No. I've had a heightened sense of smell since I've been pregnant.
0:14:14 > 0:14:15Like a sniffer dog.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17It's getting stronger.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20GUNFIRE ON COMPUTER GAME
0:14:20 > 0:14:23- Dad, your girlfriend needs a walk. - Get 'im, get 'im!
0:14:23 > 0:14:25Use your sword, use your sword. Use your sword!
0:14:25 > 0:14:27Your sword!
0:14:27 > 0:14:29BOTH: Yes!
0:14:29 > 0:14:32I did it! Level three!
0:14:32 > 0:14:34- LAUGHS:- What level are you on?
0:14:35 > 0:14:3612.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41- It's coming from your room, Viva. - No, it's not, and my room's private.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43I do not give you permission to go in there.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46- We want to know what's causing that "smill".- Smell.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48Probably a pile of her rotten underwear.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50It's takeaway we had last night from that dodgy Chinese.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52I might have left some pork balls in my room.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54- No, it's rodent. I know it. - Anna,
0:14:54 > 0:14:57would you stop sniffing the floor like a bloody beagle?
0:14:58 > 0:15:00Viva, move.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03This...this is abusing my human rights.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05HE CHUCKLES
0:15:07 > 0:15:09ANNA GASPS
0:15:13 > 0:15:15'We learnt about this thing called aversion therapy
0:15:15 > 0:15:17'in my psychology A-level.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19'It's this proper clever way
0:15:19 > 0:15:21'of curing mental people of their phobias.'
0:15:21 > 0:15:23Oh, it's actually quite cute.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25Yeah!
0:15:25 > 0:15:26CRUNCH, SHE SCREAMS
0:15:28 > 0:15:30- Oooh! Fricking... - INDISTINCT
0:15:30 > 0:15:34Frick... Ah, Jesus! This fucker's killing me!
0:15:35 > 0:15:37SQUISH
0:15:38 > 0:15:40ANNA EXHALES DEEPLY
0:15:41 > 0:15:44PHONE BEEPS
0:15:54 > 0:15:55SHE WHIMPERS
0:15:55 > 0:15:59When you said "dead", I didn't realise you meant this dead.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01I know.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04I'm so sorry. We tried everything we could to save him.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06Dad gave him the kiss of life, Jamie gave him chest compressions.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08I tried to shock him with my straighteners.
0:16:08 > 0:16:09But when he started to smell char-grilled,
0:16:09 > 0:16:11we...we realised it was over.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13- This is bad. - I know.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15I couldn't sleep a wink last night.
0:16:15 > 0:16:19Every time I close my eyes, I can still see him slide down the fridge.
0:16:19 > 0:16:20SQUEAKING
0:16:20 > 0:16:22There he goes again.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24- This is all my fault. - No, you was just trying to help.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26You're not taking the blame for this.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29- Why don't we just tell the truth? - Are you mental?!
0:16:29 > 0:16:31Let me do the talking. If it all goes pear-shaped, I'll...
0:16:31 > 0:16:33pretend I'm having a panic attack.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35How'd they even find out it was you?
0:16:35 > 0:16:36CCTV.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38What about your disguise?
0:16:38 > 0:16:39I forgot my feet, innit?
0:16:49 > 0:16:52- Is there something the matter with him?- No!
0:16:52 > 0:16:54He's just...chillin'.
0:16:54 > 0:16:58- He's chilling? - Yeah. He's tired.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01Holli, he's stiff.
0:17:01 > 0:17:03Well...well, I wouldn't stay stiff, Miss.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09He's more than stiff. He's crispy, like...
0:17:09 > 0:17:11a furry Ryvita.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14- Don't say that, Miss.- You've killed him! You've killed Harry!
0:17:14 > 0:17:16It wasn't my fault, Miss.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19- I didn't do anything. - It's true, she didn't.
0:17:19 > 0:17:20- It was my fault. - No.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22I've got this.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25I promise you, Miss, he was fine a minute ago.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28He was running around his wheel, like a tiny greyhound.
0:17:28 > 0:17:29His little hamster heart...
0:17:31 > 0:17:32..couldn't take it.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34All right, Holli, you're not auditioning for RADA.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37He's quite obviously been thrown at a wall.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39What are you, CSI: fucking Miami?
0:17:39 > 0:17:41- Could you tell me the time of death? - What did you say?
0:17:43 > 0:17:44BREATHES DEEPLY
0:17:47 > 0:17:49Panic...
0:17:49 > 0:17:51attack!
0:17:51 > 0:17:53OVER-THE-TOP WHEEZY BREATHING
0:17:55 > 0:17:57Can't...
0:17:58 > 0:17:59..breathe!
0:18:06 > 0:18:09Can't...breathe!
0:18:09 > 0:18:12CONTINUES BREATHING DEEPLY
0:18:12 > 0:18:15Panic...attack!
0:18:19 > 0:18:21Panic...
0:18:21 > 0:18:23attack!
0:18:23 > 0:18:25Can't...breathe!
0:18:29 > 0:18:31WHIMPERS
0:18:34 > 0:18:36She does get panic attacks, Miss.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38Panic...attack!
0:18:38 > 0:18:42I know, I've been watching her panic for six years. Panic outside, Holli.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44CONTINUES TO BREATHE DEEPLY
0:18:56 > 0:18:57It was totally my fault.
0:18:57 > 0:18:58RASPING BREATH
0:18:58 > 0:19:01Panic...attack!
0:19:01 > 0:19:03I said panic outside.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07DEFIANT WHEEZY BREATH
0:19:09 > 0:19:10Totally my fault, Miss.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12I was supposed to be looking after it.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15I was a size ten before this job, Viva.
0:19:15 > 0:19:16Can you imagine that?
0:19:16 > 0:19:18No, Miss!
0:19:18 > 0:19:20Yes, Miss.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22This is me
0:19:22 > 0:19:25when I worked at a nice private school.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31Miss, it's not Holli's fault she's a bit...wild.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33I mean, she basically runs the house by herself
0:19:33 > 0:19:35cos her mum's practically a zombie.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37- She just wanted to buy Armani a present. - INTERCOM BEEPS
0:19:37 > 0:19:41'Miss Jacobs to the canteen.' Holli is having a panic attack.
0:19:41 > 0:19:45Wait here. And do not touch my chocolates!
0:19:57 > 0:20:00I can't believe she didn't exclude us. Why didn't she exclude us?
0:20:00 > 0:20:02Imminent mental breakdown.
0:20:02 > 0:20:03After you left the office,
0:20:03 > 0:20:05she started showing me her Take That scrapbooks.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08And a bra signed by Robbie Williams.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10She should have excluded us really. We killed a hamster.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12I know! Someone should call Ofsted about her.
0:20:12 > 0:20:16And she leaves her top-secret files lying around for anyone to see.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18- Does she? - Yeah. I saw Ryan's file.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21I know his secret. But I can't tell you till we see Amber.
0:20:21 > 0:20:22Just tell me.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24Has he had a sex change?
0:20:24 > 0:20:25SLURPING
0:20:29 > 0:20:30About fucking time!
0:20:30 > 0:20:32If I don't hear this fucking secret soon, I'll fucking die,
0:20:32 > 0:20:34and I ain't even joking.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37I'm meeting Ryan in a minute. Do I look all right?
0:20:37 > 0:20:38Everyone can see your vagina.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40No, wait, possibly your womb.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42- Apart from that... - Sit down, babe.
0:20:42 > 0:20:43Got something to tell you.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45Viva saw Ryan's file. She knows his secret.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48No, he doesn't have a secret. He told me.
0:20:48 > 0:20:53I reckon it's Brandon stirring things up cos he wants to get back with me,
0:20:53 > 0:20:54cos he misses these puppies.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56No, Amber, there actually is a secret.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58At his last school,
0:20:58 > 0:21:00Ryan...
0:21:01 > 0:21:03..bangin' a teacher.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05- ALL GASP - Oh, my God!
0:21:05 > 0:21:07That's so illegal!
0:21:07 > 0:21:08I feel sick.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11So, he is a paedophile.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13No! No, he's not.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15- Are you upset? - No, Holli,
0:21:15 > 0:21:17she's always wanted a boyfriend who shags pensioners(!)
0:21:17 > 0:21:19You've gotta dump him now.
0:21:19 > 0:21:20I feel weird.
0:21:20 > 0:21:23I can't take it in. I still like him.
0:21:23 > 0:21:28But he banged a teacher, an old lady with grey pubes, saggy baps,
0:21:28 > 0:21:29who knows all her times tables.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32So, are you going to tell him you know? Are you going to dump him?
0:21:32 > 0:21:34- I don't know.- What if he starts eyeing up your mum?!
0:21:34 > 0:21:37He could be going out with you to get to your mum.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40He might already be two-timing you with your mum! Or your nan!
0:21:40 > 0:21:42ALL LAUGH, KNOCK ON WINDOW
0:21:43 > 0:21:45I'm just going to go talk to him.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47Back in a minute.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50Bet she'll dump him.
0:21:50 > 0:21:51Er...
0:21:51 > 0:21:52don't think so.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58Looks like he's cleaning her teeth with his tongue.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01Or he stored a nut in there and now he wants to get it out.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03Maybe that's how they kiss in the Russian mafia.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08Oi, perverts! Get a room!
0:22:08 > 0:22:10LAUGHTER
0:22:14 > 0:22:18'Having a baby when you're 16 can lead to loneliness.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20'Though the ocean of sewage in Baldie's nappy
0:22:20 > 0:22:22'could also be a factor in Mel's case.'
0:22:22 > 0:22:25- So...d'you find anything out about Anna?- Yeah, lots.
0:22:25 > 0:22:29I followed her to Waterstones and she bought a book called...
0:22:29 > 0:22:33101 Great Youth Soccer Drills.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35Is that it?
0:22:35 > 0:22:38And she spent ages looking at a book on baby names
0:22:38 > 0:22:40and copying them down until someone else wanted to buy it.
0:22:40 > 0:22:43Yeah, but anything I can use to put my dad off her?
0:22:43 > 0:22:45Yes! I followed her out of Waterstones and into Boots,
0:22:45 > 0:22:47where she purchased...
0:22:47 > 0:22:51a large tube of hair removal cream,
0:22:51 > 0:22:53extra strong for really stubborn hair.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55Yeah, Dad knows all about that, but...
0:22:55 > 0:22:57did you see her meeting any other men?
0:22:57 > 0:23:00Thing is, she saw me in the nappy aisle.
0:23:00 > 0:23:01How come?
0:23:01 > 0:23:04I was trying to thieve a bag of nappies.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06Great(!) So, you screwed up my whole plan.
0:23:06 > 0:23:07After she paid for my nappies,
0:23:07 > 0:23:09she took me for a coffee at Starbucks.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12She's nice when you get to know her.
0:23:12 > 0:23:13Well, I think she is.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16I was on one of them pills Holli steals from her mum,
0:23:16 > 0:23:19- and it was all just washing over me a bit.- Right.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21Thanks, Mel.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23And she showed me the scan pictures.
0:23:24 > 0:23:25She showed you the scan?
0:23:25 > 0:23:27Yeah. Funny-looking little thing.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29What's that supposed to mean?
0:23:29 > 0:23:33It's got a weird, big, bald alien head.
0:23:33 > 0:23:34Must take after your dad!
0:23:34 > 0:23:38That is my little brother or sister you're talking about!
0:23:48 > 0:23:50'It's always difficult to make the first move
0:23:50 > 0:23:52'when you know you're in the wrong.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54'And even harder when you know you're right
0:23:54 > 0:23:56'and the other person is a fucking idiot!
0:23:56 > 0:23:58'But sometimes it's got to be done.'
0:23:58 > 0:24:01- Hello, love. You like a cup of tea? - Yeah.
0:24:01 > 0:24:02Well, make me one while you're at it!
0:24:02 > 0:24:05HE LAUGHS
0:24:06 > 0:24:07I'd like to see the scan pictures.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11Oh. Great. Yeah.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13Here y'are.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19- Fantastic, ain't they? Look. - It looks like a prawn!
0:24:19 > 0:24:21Did I look like a prawn?
0:24:21 > 0:24:23Yeah. But a very cute prawn.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25Unlike 'im, who looked more like a giant squid!
0:24:26 > 0:24:27What's that, its arms?
0:24:27 > 0:24:29Yeah, that's the arms. And that's the legs.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31- Is that its willy?! - I hope not.
0:24:31 > 0:24:32It's a little girl.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34It's a girl?
0:24:34 > 0:24:36- Yeah. - That's great!
0:24:36 > 0:24:38Ah, shut up, you two!
0:24:38 > 0:24:40I'm trying to hear what Clarkson thinks of the new Bimmer.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43Seriously, is there nothing you can do about him publicly masturbating?
0:24:43 > 0:24:45He's not masturbating.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47Well, not fully.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50440 foot-pounds of torque!
0:24:50 > 0:24:52Fuck's sake, blud.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56The doctor said that Jamie's got a very tight foreskin.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58- Dad! - Well, the only way to loosen it
0:24:58 > 0:25:00- is to handle it as much as possible. - Oh, that's just nasty!
0:25:00 > 0:25:03It means I can handle it when I want and where I want!
0:25:03 > 0:25:07In fact, Dad, would you be able to write me a note for school?
0:25:07 > 0:25:10New rules - fiddling with your doodle happens in your bedroom.
0:25:10 > 0:25:11But it's for medical reasons!
0:25:11 > 0:25:13Doodle, bedroom, end of.
0:25:13 > 0:25:16HE GRUMBLES
0:25:16 > 0:25:18DOOR SLAMS
0:25:18 > 0:25:22MUSIC: "Mama Do The Hump" by Rizzle Kicks
0:25:27 > 0:25:29It's really nice of you to help with all this.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32- Armani'll be so happy. - Ryan loves to please.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35THEY GIGGLE
0:25:35 > 0:25:36Amber loves balloons!
0:25:36 > 0:25:39D'you think we'll be allowed to take one home?
0:25:39 > 0:25:42# ...The driver's all up in your face, like, can I see your bus pass?
0:25:42 > 0:25:43# Huh, nah
0:25:43 > 0:25:45# We just wanna lickle rhyme, bruv Call me what you want
0:25:45 > 0:25:47# But you should not call it a night, love
0:25:47 > 0:25:49# And I might just join the mile-high club
0:25:49 > 0:25:51# Only problem being that I couldn't give a flying (BLEEP)
0:25:51 > 0:25:54# Yeah, let me touch back down
0:25:54 > 0:25:56# Slap her on the bum until it... Comes back round
0:25:56 > 0:25:58# Half the room's like, "Oi! What's this all about?"
0:25:58 > 0:26:01# With the other half jivin' I love that sound... #
0:26:01 > 0:26:04So, that's your basic Beyonce.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06Come on, Prada, work that booty.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08Amber, what's wrong?
0:26:08 > 0:26:10Just thinking about stuff.
0:26:10 > 0:26:11Look at Ryan.
0:26:11 > 0:26:12What?
0:26:12 > 0:26:14Oh, I can't get it out of my head that he wants old ladies.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16Amber, he's just handing round Hobnobs.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19That's his sexually aroused face.
0:26:19 > 0:26:20- Is it?- God!
0:26:23 > 0:26:25I can't take this any more!
0:26:25 > 0:26:26So, you're finishing it?
0:26:26 > 0:26:28I dunno!
0:26:28 > 0:26:29I can't rush a decision like this.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32I need to have a long think about it, work out my options.
0:26:32 > 0:26:33Right.
0:26:33 > 0:26:34- OK, done it. - So...?
0:26:34 > 0:26:36I'm ending it.
0:26:36 > 0:26:39Shut up! Come on! It's time for Armani's big present.
0:26:39 > 0:26:40CHEERING
0:26:43 > 0:26:45CHEERING
0:26:45 > 0:26:48- Is that a rat? - Happy birthday, poo head!
0:26:48 > 0:26:50D'you like him?
0:26:53 > 0:26:56Got him from the bins. There's loads out there.
0:26:56 > 0:26:59Don't take it out! Don't take it out! Armani, I said don't...
0:26:59 > 0:27:01SCREAMING
0:27:01 > 0:27:03# People keep sayin' that I'm doin' it wrong
0:27:03 > 0:27:06# But I say it feels all right
0:27:06 > 0:27:11# I really do try Really do try, really do try... #
0:27:11 > 0:27:12Privyet tovarish.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15- CHUCKLES:- Da, da, da. Ochin khorosho.
0:27:17 > 0:27:18Shto?
0:27:18 > 0:27:21Nyet! Nyet!
0:27:21 > 0:27:24Blin! Ochin riskovano. Zatknis. Zdelay etu!
0:27:25 > 0:27:27Poka! Idyot!
0:27:27 > 0:27:30# ..doin' it wrong And it's gonna be fine... #
0:27:30 > 0:27:32Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd