0:00:02 > 0:00:10This programme contains adult humour and some strong language.
0:00:10 > 0:00:12# ..There's a million things that I could change
0:00:12 > 0:00:14# But maybe it's all right... #
0:00:14 > 0:00:17MUSIC THROUGH HEADPHONES: # Cos this is my life... #
0:00:17 > 0:00:21- What's that? - This is fruit. Remember fruit?
0:00:21 > 0:00:22- I have fruit.- Well, I know cider's
0:00:22 > 0:00:25made out of apples, but it doesn't count as one of your five a day.
0:00:25 > 0:00:27Are you giving her the last apple?
0:00:27 > 0:00:29- I was saving that apple!- And?
0:00:29 > 0:00:31- You can buy it off me, if you want.- Only 50p.
0:00:33 > 0:00:34- See you later.- See ya.
0:00:34 > 0:00:37'In my family, I'm the first-born.
0:00:37 > 0:00:38'Now, psychology tells us
0:00:38 > 0:00:42'that the first-born always has the edge over the younger ones.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45'Holli is the first-born in her family too.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47'This means that, like me,
0:00:47 > 0:00:49'she has power over her siblings.'
0:00:49 > 0:00:52I will fart on your head till you tell me where you hid it.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55'Amber is the baby of her family. Being the baby,
0:00:55 > 0:00:58'she expects other people to look after her and do stuff for her.'
0:00:58 > 0:01:02I've been wankin' him off for half an hour but he's had too much to drink.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04Can one of you take over?
0:01:04 > 0:01:07- I think the bus is coming. - Good. It's freezing waiting here.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10You're on your bike today, remember?
0:01:10 > 0:01:12Oh, yeah! Forgot!
0:01:14 > 0:01:16It's like I'm thick or something!
0:01:18 > 0:01:21'And Saz is somewhere in the middle of a great big family,
0:01:21 > 0:01:25'which means she struggles for attention and has trouble liking herself.'
0:01:25 > 0:01:26COUGHS GENTLY
0:01:26 > 0:01:28Oh, shut up, you bitch!
0:01:30 > 0:01:33Why am I the only virgin in the whole year?
0:01:33 > 0:01:35Pretty sure Shannabelle's a virgin.
0:01:35 > 0:01:38- Yeah, who'd want to bang Shannabelle? - The problem is,
0:01:38 > 0:01:40everyone thinks I'm a maths swot.
0:01:40 > 0:01:41Not many boys think maths is sexy.
0:01:41 > 0:01:45- No boys, Saz. No boys.- Are you saying you want to get de-virginised?
0:01:45 > 0:01:48No, I'm saving myself for my cousin from Amritsar(!)
0:01:48 > 0:01:51Yeah! I want to get de-virginised.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53I get urges.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56Horny urges. Just want to proper tear some guy's clothes off
0:01:56 > 0:01:57and proper hump his brains out!
0:01:57 > 0:02:01Should have said before. I can hook you up. Want me to check some possible victims?
0:02:01 > 0:02:03Please, Holli. Really want some waste man picked by you,
0:02:03 > 0:02:08who's mashed half the school, whose willy probably looks like a pickled gherkin cos it's so diseased.
0:02:08 > 0:02:09Just trying to help.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12OK, we're playing St Mildred's and we need to smash this sucker
0:02:12 > 0:02:14cos if we don't, we're out of the cup.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17And I want no fighting this time. Especially not with each other.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20Holli and Shannabelle, I'm talking to you.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23I'm sorry, but she's packing a penis somewhere.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25Right, so I need every single one of you in the zone.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28And that means total mental focus.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30- Amber, what does it mean? - What, miss?
0:02:30 > 0:02:31I said...
0:02:33 > 0:02:35Fuck! This isn't the same ball!
0:02:35 > 0:02:37Where's the ball from last time?
0:02:37 > 0:02:40The ball we beat Bevan College with, and Henshall Academy?
0:02:40 > 0:02:43Our lucky ball, the one that makes us win?
0:02:43 > 0:02:45We played really well in those matches!
0:02:45 > 0:02:47Oh, right, yeah. No, we played amazing.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49You were really incredible.
0:02:49 > 0:02:53It's just I'd be a lot happier if we had our lucky ball.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55You know, just as backup.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04We can find it. I know we can.
0:03:04 > 0:03:05Ah!
0:03:07 > 0:03:10That's it! End of the season. I did everything I could.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12Everything. Everything!
0:03:12 > 0:03:15But without that ball, didn't have a chance!
0:03:16 > 0:03:19I know we lost, but she's acting even more mental than usual.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22Yeah, now she's pregnant, she's gone all superstitious.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24She's got loads of weird rules about what's lucky and unlucky.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27Opening a window after 4pm is unlucky.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30Totally random. Someone had done a shit in the lifts this morning,
0:03:30 > 0:03:31and she said that was lucky.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33Oh, my God. That makes me feel sick.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36I bet it's that old Mickey bloke. He shits in all the lifts.
0:03:36 > 0:03:40Say what you like about my dad but at least he used to stop Mickey from shitting in the lifts.
0:03:40 > 0:03:44- Bitchcock and my dad are going away this Saturday. I can't wait.- Ooh!
0:03:44 > 0:03:45Look at that.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48What a lovely view of the new fencing.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50Yes, Holli, that fencing is looking well fit.
0:03:50 > 0:03:54Some of the fittest, finest fencing in the whole school.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56What you on about? It's a fence.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59So, Saz, see any boy there who you might want to...um...?
0:03:59 > 0:04:01You know.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03I want someone clean.
0:04:03 > 0:04:04You know, like, really hygienic.
0:04:04 > 0:04:08Washes every day, keeps themselves fresh all over,
0:04:08 > 0:04:09especially his man bits,
0:04:09 > 0:04:12and has hair that smells proper fresh and pine-scented,
0:04:12 > 0:04:14and never squeezes his spots.
0:04:14 > 0:04:15There's no boy like that.
0:04:15 > 0:04:16Anywhere.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19And it'd be nice if he can drive, though not essential.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21But can drive a lady!
0:04:21 > 0:04:22Essential.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24What about him? He's fit.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27Saz would be too scared to go near a really fit boy!
0:04:27 > 0:04:30Right! Cos I'm hoping to lose my virginity to a disgustingly ugly boy(!)
0:04:30 > 0:04:32Go on, then. Go talk to Jordan.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35OK.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37I will.
0:04:37 > 0:04:38Oi!
0:04:38 > 0:04:39Jordan!
0:04:43 > 0:04:46- Yeah?- Lovin' them shorts!
0:04:46 > 0:04:47Where did you get 'em?
0:04:47 > 0:04:49My mum got 'em for me.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51They way they just...
0:04:51 > 0:04:52fit nice on your bum
0:04:52 > 0:04:55with your legs coming out the bottom - epic!
0:04:55 > 0:04:57- What's happening? - Nerd girl's being weird.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00Oh, my God! Biggest fail ever!
0:05:00 > 0:05:04- Oh, what's wrong with me? - You need to engage with him about stuff he likes.
0:05:04 > 0:05:08He does geography, don't he? You could ask him if he knows what the world's highest mountain is.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11- Maybe not.- No. All you've got to do is smile and laugh
0:05:11 > 0:05:13whenever they say something funny.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16- But he didn't say anything funny. - They never do.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18All the boys in this school are retarded.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20And the most important thing to do with boys
0:05:20 > 0:05:22is to keep your rack thrusting out at all times
0:05:22 > 0:05:24like you're on the cover of Nuts magazine.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32Shouldn't you be at home sharpening your pencils?
0:05:32 > 0:05:35I write with them blunt. That's how badass I am.
0:05:36 > 0:05:37You want to see my new badge?
0:05:37 > 0:05:39That a sneaky way to get me back to your place?
0:05:39 > 0:05:41Nah! I got it here.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44I got it for all my work helping coach the Year 7s.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46Mr Philips called me a great example, and all that shit.
0:05:47 > 0:05:51I'm sorry about what you heard Amber say. She got it mixed up.
0:05:51 > 0:05:52She's not the brightest.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54Viva!
0:05:54 > 0:05:55Got to go.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03Boys will bang anything with a pulse, and that's the fussy ones.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05Finding a boy ain't hard.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07Finding somewhere to do it with a boy - that's the hard bit.
0:06:20 > 0:06:24Well, if you find someone quick enough, you can use my place this weekend. Get rid of Jamie somehow.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26Yeah, location is very important.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28Very important. Location, location, location.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31That's where you live, Amber, not where you bang.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33There is someone I've liked for a bit.
0:06:33 > 0:06:34Well, come on, then. Tell us.
0:06:34 > 0:06:38It's that boy from the bus stop who's always reading.
0:06:38 > 0:06:39I think his name's Joe.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41The boy with the bad glasses? ALL GROAN
0:06:41 > 0:06:43Well, when I've been with him for a while,
0:06:43 > 0:06:46I'll force him to get himself some designer glasses.
0:06:46 > 0:06:47Maybe I'll get him contacts.
0:06:47 > 0:06:50- Trust you to like book boy. - Actually, you know what?
0:06:50 > 0:06:53I'm thinking laser eye surgery's the way to go.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55'That's what I love about Saz.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58'She doesn't just fancy the same boys everyone fancies.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01'She likes the boy who's right for her.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03'Those are bad glasses, though!'
0:07:03 > 0:07:05# I'm a guy
0:07:05 > 0:07:09# Who never did anything wrong, my friend
0:07:09 > 0:07:11# Until I
0:07:11 > 0:07:13# I met you
0:07:14 > 0:07:16# Plan was good
0:07:16 > 0:07:19# Every detail, every step we took... #
0:07:19 > 0:07:22And get some of those chicken satay things to eat in the car.
0:07:22 > 0:07:23I love those.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25- NEW ZEALAND ACCENT: - Chicken satay for you, multipack.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28Vitamin energy drinks for me, multipack.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31- Fruit & nut chocolate for me, multipack.- Mmm!
0:07:31 > 0:07:33Why do we have to have multipacks of everything again?
0:07:33 > 0:07:35Multipacks are lucky, you know that, Rob.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40- Did you put garlic in that? - Yeah, course I did.
0:07:40 > 0:07:41- SHE SNIFFS - Oh, I can't stand the smell.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44You know my sense of smell's extra-heightened at the moment.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46I'll open the window.
0:07:46 > 0:07:47Oh, no, no. It's after 4pm.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50- Oh, yeah. Sorry, I forgot. - Oh, it does smell horrible.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53- The air is full of it.- What?
0:07:54 > 0:07:55Garlic.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57- Whose ear's full of garlic?- The air!
0:07:57 > 0:07:59- The air! - NEW ZEALAND ACCENT:- The air.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01- The ear?- The air!
0:08:01 > 0:08:03She's saying "air".
0:08:03 > 0:08:05That's what I said - air!
0:08:05 > 0:08:07I'm going to lie down, and please,
0:08:07 > 0:08:10don't wear anything stripy before the baby's born.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13You two are going to have such a fun time this Saturday(!)
0:08:13 > 0:08:15Oi, babe...
0:08:16 > 0:08:19I'll bring some of that massage oil you like.
0:08:21 > 0:08:22Multipack.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34ALL GIGGLE
0:08:34 > 0:08:37Oh, I'm not going bus stop today. I'll see you later.
0:08:37 > 0:08:38Why, where you going?
0:08:38 > 0:08:40I'm meeting Brandon. He wants to give me my pen.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42He wants to give you your pen?
0:08:42 > 0:08:46After everything that's happened, you're going to let him give you your pen?
0:08:46 > 0:08:49- Come on, he just wants to bang you. - What? Do you think I'm stupid or something?
0:08:51 > 0:08:52Anyway, see you later.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54Oh, he's there!
0:08:54 > 0:08:57So what are you going to do? Are you going to ask him out?
0:08:57 > 0:08:59I can't, not after what happened with Jordan!
0:08:59 > 0:09:01All right, well, why don't we do a little experiment?
0:09:01 > 0:09:03- Yeah?- Yeah, go up to him
0:09:03 > 0:09:07and pretend you're interested in his book or something, offer him one of your chips.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10If he says no, it's a bad sign. If he says yes, it means he likes you.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12He might not be hungry.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14- If he likes you, he'll take it anyway.- Why?
0:09:14 > 0:09:17Just do it, Saz! We understand how boys' brains work, don't we, Holli?
0:09:17 > 0:09:19Yeah, got an A-star in boys' brains.
0:09:29 > 0:09:30Well, take a chip!
0:09:36 > 0:09:38EAT IT!
0:09:38 > 0:09:41SAZ LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
0:09:43 > 0:09:45See that? So took a chip!
0:09:45 > 0:09:47Best start stocking up on condoms(!)
0:09:47 > 0:09:50Oh, he's a bit mysterious, though.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52- I wish I knew more about him. - That won't be a problem.
0:09:52 > 0:09:53Armani knows his little sister.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56All right, so you get Armani to do some research on him
0:09:56 > 0:09:59and I'll ask Rocky, cos... I think they get the same bus.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02- There will be clean sheets, won't there? I might bring my own. - Might want to put a towel down.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04Is there a lot of blood?!
0:10:04 > 0:10:06Ooh! Could be a drop, could be a bucketful.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08Everyone's different.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11We should make a list of the stuff - sheets, towels, buckets,
0:10:11 > 0:10:14- tweezers, hosepipe... - All right, Dr Christian!
0:10:14 > 0:10:16She's not giving birth!
0:10:16 > 0:10:17It's going to be fine.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30Got you a cup of tea on my way past Tony's.
0:10:30 > 0:10:31Oh. Cheers.
0:10:31 > 0:10:35You haven't got a pound for some cider, have you? Baldie's driving me mental.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38- He's not doing anything. - Exactly. He can't talk,
0:10:38 > 0:10:40he can't eat proper, he can't rollerblade.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42He's fuckin' boring, really.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45SHUDDERING GROANS
0:10:45 > 0:10:47What is that?
0:10:47 > 0:10:50Amber's in there with Brandon.
0:10:50 > 0:10:51Amber!
0:10:51 > 0:10:54Oh, hiya!
0:10:54 > 0:10:55Oh... You all right, girls?
0:10:55 > 0:10:57Want to buy a cup of tea for a quid?
0:10:57 > 0:10:59Uh, nah, nah. I've got to go. Um...
0:10:59 > 0:11:01Bible study with my uncle.
0:11:01 > 0:11:02Amber!
0:11:02 > 0:11:05- Have you got any baby wipes, Mel? - Yeah.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08But you can only have one. They cost, like, a million pounds per pack.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10Oh, I think I've used my last one.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12What's that in your hand?
0:11:12 > 0:11:13Nothing.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15Oh, that's spunk, isn't it?
0:11:16 > 0:11:17No.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21- BOTH GROAN - Oh, Amber!
0:11:21 > 0:11:23- It won't come off! - You got it on my baby!
0:11:23 > 0:11:25That's a fucking health hazard, that is!
0:11:25 > 0:11:28Oh, I'm sorry. I think it must have been ages since he came
0:11:28 > 0:11:31cos there was so much! It was like I was holding a pond.
0:11:31 > 0:11:32Did he give you your pen?
0:11:34 > 0:11:36Oh, it's still getting me!
0:11:36 > 0:11:38- ALL GROAN - Oh, Amber!
0:11:43 > 0:11:47Yes, mate. 9pm this Saturday, 17 Briscott Court. Bring some alcohol!
0:11:47 > 0:11:50- Ha-ha!- Oh, my God!
0:11:50 > 0:11:51Jamie!
0:11:51 > 0:11:54I cannot believe you're planning a big party this Saturday
0:11:54 > 0:11:58and you're going to trash this place with your idiot friends!
0:11:58 > 0:12:00- What are you doin'? - Who's trashing the place?
0:12:00 > 0:12:02I heard Jamie ring his mates, saying, "Bring alcohol."
0:12:02 > 0:12:05Maybe we should send him to Auntie Lorna's this weekend.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08Great idea, Viva. Lorna'll make sure he behaves himself.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11No, come on, man! That's not happenin'!
0:12:11 > 0:12:13Auntie Lorna keeps iguanas in the bath.
0:12:14 > 0:12:18This ain't over! I'mma take this to Dad.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Oh, Dad does what she tells him. If he doesn't,
0:12:20 > 0:12:23she's not going do her weird New Zealand sex voodoo stuff!
0:12:23 > 0:12:24DOOR SLAMS
0:12:24 > 0:12:27'The first-born usually gets their own way in these things.'
0:12:33 > 0:12:35I can see why you like Joe.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37You're a boffin, yeah, he's a boffin, yeah?
0:12:37 > 0:12:38You've got stuff in common.
0:12:38 > 0:12:42I'm not interested in him. I'm just asking for a friend.
0:12:42 > 0:12:43- HE SCOFFS - You hear that?
0:12:43 > 0:12:45She's asking for a friend! Not very original!
0:12:45 > 0:12:50That's it, blud. Yellow bibs in that bag, blue bibs in the other bag.
0:12:50 > 0:12:51That's it! Sweet.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53- Really! It's for Saz.- Saz?!
0:12:53 > 0:12:56You're jokin'! Don't give me that.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58She's a maths swot - she doesn't care about boys.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00She just wants to know if he's a psycho.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02You and him's perfect for each other.
0:13:02 > 0:13:06You can have a little bit of fun, then you can run home and do coursework,
0:13:06 > 0:13:07and then you can text each other, like,
0:13:07 > 0:13:11"Oh, Joe, what do you think of this history?", and shit.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13And he can text right back, like,
0:13:13 > 0:13:15"Oh, Badges, you're so clever!", and shit.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18I just came here to ask for your advice as a friend.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20Don't know why you're being so weird.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22Blud, this is girls for you.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24Badges here, she looks so fine,
0:13:24 > 0:13:26but she comes here to stick a knife in my heart.
0:13:26 > 0:13:27You little guys,
0:13:27 > 0:13:29you got your whole lives ahead of you.
0:13:29 > 0:13:30My advice -
0:13:30 > 0:13:33concentrate on your football and forget about girls and sex.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36Dominic, I know that advice comes too late for you.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39Oh, my God! You're mental!
0:13:39 > 0:13:42MUSIC: "Not Fair" by Lily Allen
0:13:45 > 0:13:46What did Rocky say about Joe?
0:13:47 > 0:13:50- What's the matter? - The matter is I just...
0:13:50 > 0:13:54Ooh, I just can't stop thinking about that dickhead!
0:13:54 > 0:13:56BOYS LAUGH
0:13:59 > 0:14:02You're not making yourself look very cool here, Viva.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05# It's not fair and I think you're really mean
0:14:05 > 0:14:07# I think you're really mean... #
0:14:07 > 0:14:09Dominic! I've warned you about that.
0:14:09 > 0:14:13# Oh, you're supposed to care But you never make me scream
0:14:13 > 0:14:15# You never make me scream... #
0:14:15 > 0:14:19- So, basically, Rocky told me nothing.- Saz, you've got to get hold of book boy
0:14:19 > 0:14:21and tell him he's breaking you in this Saturday night.
0:14:21 > 0:14:25- He won't even want to. - Course he will! I told you - all boys want to bang all girls.
0:14:25 > 0:14:26Unless he's gay.
0:14:26 > 0:14:30- Even if he is gay, he'll probably want to do it...for practice. - Did Armani find out anything?
0:14:30 > 0:14:34Has he slept with loads of girls already? Is he good in bed? How big is his...?
0:14:34 > 0:14:37- Armani's seven.- Well, did he find out anything at all?
0:14:37 > 0:14:39Apparently he likes girls who are funny.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41Oh, no!
0:14:41 > 0:14:42I'm not funny!
0:14:42 > 0:14:44Yeah, you are funny.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47In a cruel, judgmental, sarcastic kind of way.
0:14:47 > 0:14:48But maybe that's what he likes.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51- I don't think she's funny. - You could learn some jokes.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53- Oh, I've got one. Knock, knock. - Who's there?
0:14:53 > 0:14:55- Banana.- Banana who?
0:14:55 > 0:14:57Oh, no, it's a parrot. Or is it?
0:14:57 > 0:14:59- I've got one. Knock, knock. - Who's there?
0:14:59 > 0:15:00- Justin.- Justin who?
0:15:00 > 0:15:03Justin time to get down and party with me cos I'm a virgin
0:15:03 > 0:15:05and I want you to kick in my hymen!
0:15:08 > 0:15:09Oh, I get it!
0:15:09 > 0:15:11You must know a knock, knock joke.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13Knock, knock.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15- What?- Who's there?
0:15:15 > 0:15:16What?!
0:15:16 > 0:15:18Oh. No. Wait, I got it wrong. Hang on. What's this?
0:15:18 > 0:15:21SHE PANTS TWICE What?
0:15:21 > 0:15:24- A pair of pants! - SHE CHUCKLES
0:15:24 > 0:15:26SHE PANTS TWICE
0:15:26 > 0:15:27A pair of pants?
0:15:27 > 0:15:30SHE PANTS TWICE
0:15:30 > 0:15:31Or pants, the things you wear, but...
0:15:31 > 0:15:34Never mind. Didn't realise you were thick.
0:15:34 > 0:15:35You seem angry.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38No, no! I-I-I get it. I'm not an idiot.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40I just...didn't realise you were doing a joke.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43- I'm a bit...- So?!
0:15:43 > 0:15:45..confused. What do you want?
0:15:45 > 0:15:47Well...!
0:15:47 > 0:15:51Just love joking about and... making people laugh.
0:15:51 > 0:15:52It's who I am. Ha-ha!
0:15:52 > 0:15:54SHE LAUGHS MANIACALLY
0:15:54 > 0:15:56LAUGHTER FADES
0:15:56 > 0:15:57Do you have a syndrome?
0:15:57 > 0:16:00- SHE LAUGHS - Good one! No!
0:16:00 > 0:16:02Just all about comedy and having a good laugh!
0:16:02 > 0:16:05HE CHUCKLES
0:16:05 > 0:16:08So...so... So...so it's not a syndrome?
0:16:08 > 0:16:09No, it's not a fucking syndrome!
0:16:09 > 0:16:11Look...
0:16:11 > 0:16:13someone told me you like funny girls.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17Oh, fuck off, then, you big book-reading idiot!
0:16:17 > 0:16:19You're the one with the syndrome,
0:16:19 > 0:16:21the "I'm in love with my stupid book" syndrome.
0:16:21 > 0:16:22All you ever do is read.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25I thought you might want to do something crazy,
0:16:25 > 0:16:27like hang out with a person instead of a big wodge of paper.
0:16:29 > 0:16:30What?
0:16:48 > 0:16:49SHE SIGHS
0:16:49 > 0:16:52- He actually seemed to like me how I am.- Where is he, then?
0:16:52 > 0:16:57He said, did I want to meet him here after school, but...why did he say that if he's not going to turn up?
0:16:57 > 0:16:58To make you look stupid.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01- He might just be late!- Probably doesn't want get to know any girls,
0:17:01 > 0:17:04because they'll find out that he hasn't got a penis,
0:17:04 > 0:17:06or he's got a weird one in the shape of a horse.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09And I bet he really wants to put his horse in your stable,
0:17:09 > 0:17:12but he's just been delayed for a good reason.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15Or he doesn't like her and said he'll meet up with her just to get rid of her.
0:17:18 > 0:17:19Hey, Rocky.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21Can I talk to you alone?
0:17:21 > 0:17:24- Did you follow me here?- No! No, no, course not!
0:17:24 > 0:17:25Well, yeah.
0:17:25 > 0:17:26What do you want?
0:17:26 > 0:17:29I was out of line the other day. I know that.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32That's all I wanted to say.
0:17:33 > 0:17:34Oh.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36I'll see you around, yeah?
0:17:37 > 0:17:39Rocky...
0:17:39 > 0:17:41Now, he's a boy who'd know what to do.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44I wouldn't have to show him how to do anything. He would just know.
0:17:44 > 0:17:48- Shut up!- You don't own him, yeah? He wanted to mash you and you said no.
0:17:48 > 0:17:49Yeah, but I still like him.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51- SAZ SOBS - He's not coming!
0:17:51 > 0:17:54What's wrong with me?!
0:17:54 > 0:17:56Nothing's wrong with you.
0:17:56 > 0:17:57He's a fool.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59Yeah, he's...he's not living in the real world, you know.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02He's just living in chapter seven of Hobbit-land,
0:18:02 > 0:18:05- or whatever it is he's always got his nose in.- Boys hate me! - SHE SOBS
0:18:05 > 0:18:07Can we have a tissue, please?
0:18:07 > 0:18:09Sorry.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11I-I got delayed and I didn't have your number, so...
0:18:11 > 0:18:13Fuck's sake! That's a bad way to treat a girl.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16You should have come whatever. Look what you've done to her.
0:18:16 > 0:18:20Horse penis. You ain't even gone out with her and you're already treating her like a hairy turd.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23You don't even realise she picked you out of everyone in the whole school
0:18:23 > 0:18:26- because she wanted you to bust her cherry for her.- Holli, shut up!
0:18:26 > 0:18:29Yeah, that's right, she's a virgin and she wanted you to be the one.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31She got a time, she got a place, she got a cherry.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36Like I said,
0:18:36 > 0:18:38I-I didn't have your number.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40I was going to ask someone, but...
0:18:40 > 0:18:43I actually didn't know your name.
0:18:44 > 0:18:48- I'm Saz.- Do you want a Coke or a cup or tea or something?
0:18:55 > 0:18:57BELL RINGS
0:19:05 > 0:19:06It might be enormous.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08Might hurt.
0:19:08 > 0:19:09How big are they?
0:19:09 > 0:19:11How long's a piece of string?
0:19:11 > 0:19:12Well, Brandon's is about, like...
0:19:12 > 0:19:14that big.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16But it's the thickness that's crucial.
0:19:16 > 0:19:17Well, how thick is Brandon's?
0:19:17 > 0:19:19Oh, it's about, like...
0:19:19 > 0:19:20that.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25Are you really going to do it?
0:19:25 > 0:19:28I'm sick of being the only virgin! Makes me feel like a freak.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30But you know I've only done it once, don't you?
0:19:30 > 0:19:31Me and that guy on holiday.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34- Mario!- Yeah, Mario.- Does he still send you those emails?
0:19:34 > 0:19:37- Not for a while now.- Aw. - So I'm practically still a virgin.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39But you're not a virgin! You haven't got a hymen.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42I've been psyching myself up for this all week!
0:19:42 > 0:19:44I'm going through with it, no matter what.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46I don't care if his willy's like an albino slug or...
0:19:46 > 0:19:48or like the Leaning Tower of Pisa.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51I don't care if he's gay, he's stinky, acne-fied,
0:19:51 > 0:19:54or if he's got seven bollocks! I'm just going to bang him and get it over with.
0:19:54 > 0:19:58- I don't think you should do it just cos of not being the only virgin.- It's all right for you!
0:19:58 > 0:19:59You're not a virgin.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01People don't laugh at you and call you Chastity Belt.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03AMBER LAUGHS
0:20:04 > 0:20:06I lied.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10Oh, this is well shamin'.
0:20:10 > 0:20:11Mario doesn't exist.
0:20:11 > 0:20:15What? But it was so romantic on the beach
0:20:15 > 0:20:17with the waves lapping and the shooting stars
0:20:17 > 0:20:19and the sound of the band in the distance.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22- SHE GASPS - And his brown abs rippling in the moonlight.
0:20:22 > 0:20:26- God, you remember what I said better than I do.- Yeah.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28Cos I'd like to do it like that one day.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30Instead of in a trolley park at Lidl's.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32So those emails Mario sent you...?
0:20:32 > 0:20:35I made it all up cos I wanted to sound exciting for once.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38- There is no Mario.- No Mario?
0:20:38 > 0:20:40Oh, my God. Didn't know you was a liar.
0:20:40 > 0:20:44- Poor Mario.- I'm sorry.- Why are you suddenly telling us all this?
0:20:44 > 0:20:47If you decide not to go through with it on Saturday, you won't be the only virgin.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50I-I just don't think you should do it just because of me lying.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52Well, I've made my mind up. I'm doing it.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54Course, technically...
0:20:54 > 0:20:56I'm still a virgin.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58BOTH You're what?
0:20:58 > 0:21:00- BOTH: No, you're not! - You've done Bay...
0:21:00 > 0:21:03- Rainbow, Gavin, Toby, Tom... - ALL SHOUT OUT NAMES
0:21:03 > 0:21:04I have a lot of sex.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07I do a lot of stuff to them,
0:21:07 > 0:21:09they do a lot of stuff to me,
0:21:09 > 0:21:10but...
0:21:10 > 0:21:13I'd never, ever do anything that could get me pregnant.
0:21:15 > 0:21:16I don't want to end up like my mum.
0:21:19 > 0:21:20So...
0:21:20 > 0:21:22here we are -
0:21:22 > 0:21:24the three virgins!
0:21:28 > 0:21:30- Four virgins!- Three.- Oh.
0:21:30 > 0:21:34MUSIC: "It Starts" by Nerina Pallot
0:21:34 > 0:21:36# Oooh ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh
0:21:38 > 0:21:42# Oooh ooh, ooh-ooh-ooooh
0:21:42 > 0:21:47# When all is said and all is done
0:21:47 > 0:21:50# You shall be the only one
0:21:50 > 0:21:52# Can I lay my head down?
0:21:52 > 0:21:55# Will you say
0:21:55 > 0:21:59# Every little thing's going to be OK? #
0:21:59 > 0:22:02'I want it to be just right for Saz
0:22:02 > 0:22:04'so I've made a playlist of her favourite songs.
0:22:04 > 0:22:09'And I got her condoms in 20 different flavours.'
0:22:09 > 0:22:13# It starts in the head and it begins
0:22:13 > 0:22:17# It starts and it changes everything... #
0:22:17 > 0:22:20KNOCK ON DOOR
0:22:20 > 0:22:23- MUSIC CONTINUES - What is this terrible music?
0:22:23 > 0:22:26This is the sort of music a girl would think is nice to have sex to!
0:22:28 > 0:22:30Oh, my God!
0:22:30 > 0:22:31As you can see, I'm on my own!
0:22:31 > 0:22:34Well, maybe you're having sex with yourself!
0:22:34 > 0:22:37Eurgh, why did I just say that?
0:22:37 > 0:22:39Aren't you supposed to be at Auntie Lorna's?
0:22:39 > 0:22:44- Unfortunately, some of them iguanas that Auntie Lorna keeps in the bath somehow accidentally escaped.- OK.
0:22:44 > 0:22:45So I'm going to ring Dad's mobile
0:22:45 > 0:22:49and you'd better be on your way back to Auntie Lorna's by the time he answers, or...
0:22:49 > 0:22:51Except...I heard from Brandon
0:22:51 > 0:22:54that you've got a little house party going on here yourself.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58OK, so we'll make a deal.
0:22:58 > 0:22:59You stay in your room,
0:22:59 > 0:23:01you do not come out,
0:23:01 > 0:23:02we stay away from you,
0:23:02 > 0:23:04you stay away from us
0:23:04 > 0:23:06and no more friends.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08Agreed.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11# Oooh ooh, ooh-ooh-ooooh
0:23:11 > 0:23:14# It starts in the head
0:23:14 > 0:23:17# And it begins
0:23:17 > 0:23:22# It starts and it changes everything
0:23:22 > 0:23:28# It starts and it never fades away
0:23:28 > 0:23:30# Can I lay my head down?
0:23:30 > 0:23:34# Will you say
0:23:34 > 0:23:38# Every little thing's going to be OK? #
0:23:38 > 0:23:42- We'll take the stairs. - Yeah, yeah. Stairs, definitely.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44# Will you say
0:23:44 > 0:23:47# Every little thing's going to be OK? #
0:23:47 > 0:23:50- MUSIC CONTINUES - Hi, guys. Er...
0:23:50 > 0:23:53There's a slight situation here, but there's nothing to worry a...bout...
0:23:57 > 0:23:59- Do you think they've started yet? - How do I know?
0:23:59 > 0:24:03My first time, Brandon and I shared an enormous bar of Galaxy Fruit & Nut.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05It was epic.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07Sex was a bit rubbish, though.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09BOTH SNIFF
0:24:12 > 0:24:15Holli. Thank God you're here. I need you to act as a bouncer
0:24:15 > 0:24:17in case any more of Jamie's mates show up.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19OK. Am I allowed to hit 'em?
0:24:20 > 0:24:21Yeah.
0:24:21 > 0:24:22OK.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25MUSIC PLAYS
0:24:25 > 0:24:27# Life goes on, it gets so heavy
0:24:27 > 0:24:31# The wheel breaks the butterfly... #
0:24:31 > 0:24:34What's...what's your favourite book?
0:24:35 > 0:24:37I don't really like reading.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39More into numbers.
0:24:39 > 0:24:42Especially the Fibonacci sequence. Really turns me on.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45Whole pi thing's...pretty sexy too.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52Aah! Your glasses hit me in the eye!
0:24:55 > 0:24:57Have you ever...thought about...contacts?
0:25:00 > 0:25:02CHANGES SONG
0:25:02 > 0:25:04POUNDING BASS MUSIC FROM FLAT
0:25:04 > 0:25:06DOGS BARK
0:25:15 > 0:25:19You're not coming in, you're not on the guest list, and nor are you, plus...
0:25:19 > 0:25:21- you look like an afterbirth. - That's right,
0:25:21 > 0:25:23- you tell 'em.- You two, in.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29Couple of fit ones won't hurt.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31I've got to get them out of here!
0:25:31 > 0:25:34- Otherwise it's going to get out of control.- Yeah, we need help.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36Shall I ring Rocky?
0:25:36 > 0:25:39- Or I could ring Brandon. - There's other people we could ring. - Rocky.- Brandon.
0:25:39 > 0:25:42- Rocky.- Brandon.- Rocky!- Brandon.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44- Rocky.- Brandon.- Rocky.- Brandon.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46- Rocky!- Brandon.- Rocky!- Brandon!
0:25:46 > 0:25:48- Rocky!- Brandon!- Rocky.
0:25:48 > 0:25:49Great party, man.
0:25:49 > 0:25:50Safe. Blud, respect.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55Nice one. Cheers.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57Dominic!
0:25:59 > 0:26:02Respect, blud!
0:26:03 > 0:26:05That's it, then, Badges.
0:26:05 > 0:26:06Do you want me to go now?
0:26:07 > 0:26:09No.
0:26:09 > 0:26:10I want you to stay.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16MUSIC: "Earthquake" by Labrinth
0:26:19 > 0:26:22It's just...I couldn't sleep in room 72 - that is a really bad number.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24MUSIC BLARES
0:26:24 > 0:26:26Bit loud in there.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31SAZ SHRIEKS
0:26:31 > 0:26:32Yeah!
0:26:38 > 0:26:40AMBER SQUEALS
0:26:40 > 0:26:42AMBER GIGGLES
0:26:44 > 0:26:45Jesus Christ!
0:26:45 > 0:26:47What's going on?!
0:26:47 > 0:26:50Oh, hello, Miss Bitchcock. Did you have a nice trip?
0:26:58 > 0:26:59Ahh!
0:27:00 > 0:27:01Er, Viva's dad!
0:27:01 > 0:27:03Pleased to meet you.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05I'm Rocky.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08Oh, Miss Hitchcock. I don't think I ever congratulated you on the baby.
0:27:09 > 0:27:14'For some girls, this would be just about the most embarrassing thing that could ever happen.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18'The thing is,
0:27:18 > 0:27:20for us...well...
0:27:20 > 0:27:22'somehow I think there'll be more to come.'
0:27:22 > 0:27:26# They always said that we would screw up
0:27:26 > 0:27:29# Screw up
0:27:29 > 0:27:33# That sometimes that's the only way
0:27:34 > 0:27:37# People keep sayin' that I'm doin' it wrong
0:27:37 > 0:27:40# But I say it feels all right
0:27:40 > 0:27:44# I really do try Really do try, really do try
0:27:46 > 0:27:48# There's a million things that I could change
0:27:48 > 0:27:51# But maybe it's all right
0:27:51 > 0:27:54# Cos this is my life This is my life, this is my life
0:27:54 > 0:27:56# People keep sayin'
0:27:56 > 0:27:58- # That I'm doin' it wrong - It's going be fine
0:27:58 > 0:28:01# People keep sayin' that I'm doin' it wrong... #
0:28:01 > 0:28:04Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd