0:00:02 > 0:00:10This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:10 > 0:00:12# There's a million things that I could change
0:00:12 > 0:00:15# But maybe it's all right
0:00:15 > 0:00:19# This is my life This is my life, this is my life. #
0:00:22 > 0:00:25- Would you do it with Prince William? - Er, no.
0:00:25 > 0:00:27Nor would I. He's going well bald.
0:00:27 > 0:00:30Although, I would get him to buy me loads of amazing handbags
0:00:30 > 0:00:33and then I'd say, "Sorry William, I just can't handle
0:00:33 > 0:00:36"the pressure of being hounded by the press day and night."
0:00:36 > 0:00:38But I would keep the handbags, obviously.
0:00:38 > 0:00:40Plus he looks like he has a tiny penis.
0:00:40 > 0:00:41ALL: Yeah...
0:00:43 > 0:00:46Would you do it with a man in a wheelchair with no arms and legs?
0:00:46 > 0:00:47What would his face be like?
0:00:47 > 0:00:50I mean, if he had a head like RPatz, but with no arms
0:00:50 > 0:00:53and legs, but could use his tongue, I would definitely think about it.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55- Would you do it with a man with a beard?- No.
0:00:55 > 0:00:58I'd rather do it with Osama bin Laden than a man with a beard.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01Osama bin Laden has got a beard. And anyway, he's dead.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03Well in that case, no.
0:01:05 > 0:01:08Would you do it with a dead person if it wasn't Osama bin Laden?
0:01:08 > 0:01:11What, Amber, are you actually thinking about it?
0:01:11 > 0:01:15Well, if he was RPatz and he had died very, very recently,
0:01:15 > 0:01:17like in the last ten minutes, I might try.
0:01:17 > 0:01:21I could tell people I was the last person RPatz ever shagged.
0:01:21 > 0:01:24I could write a book about it and go on telly
0:01:24 > 0:01:26and be interviewed by Lorraine Kelly.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28- SCOTTISH ACCENT:- "So Amber, what was it like to make
0:01:28 > 0:01:29"love to dead RPatz?"
0:01:29 > 0:01:31"Well, Lorraine, it was proper tricky."
0:01:31 > 0:01:34- Oh Viva, look, there's Rocky. - Slow down.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36Why? Why are we avoiding your boyfriend?
0:01:36 > 0:01:37- Don't you like him no more? - Tell us.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39No, I still like him.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42I still really, really like him, but he's getting very intense.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44He keeps talking about the future.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46But YOU keep talking about the future.
0:01:46 > 0:01:47Yeah, but it's a different future.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50I want to go to uni and Rocky wants to be a matador
0:01:50 > 0:01:52or someone who owns a pie shop.
0:01:59 > 0:02:00I've got an idea.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03Let's skip first period and hang out in the supplies cupboard.
0:02:03 > 0:02:04You, me...
0:02:05 > 0:02:07..and this box of 132 condoms that
0:02:07 > 0:02:09I just stole from Mrs Grant's classroom.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12I can't just skip first period and have sex with you in a cupboard.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14- We're at school! - I've never done it at school before.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16I bet it would be even sicker than normal.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19Sometimes it's like you've got totally no idea who I am.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21I actually like learning.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23I could read your book out loud while we do it.
0:02:23 > 0:02:28"Neuroscience and the Preservation Of The Mind, by Dr Patrick Scripps."
0:02:28 > 0:02:31- Sexy.- No, Rocky, I'm going to my lesson.
0:02:31 > 0:02:32Just five minutes, then?
0:02:33 > 0:02:34Two minutes.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40- I can't find the light. - Is this it?
0:02:40 > 0:02:44- No, Rocky, that's your penis. - Yeah, I know. Sorry.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49- I need to go. - Oh, one more minute!
0:02:49 > 0:02:53Oh, no, I've dropped my pen! Can you find the light?
0:02:53 > 0:02:55Let there be...
0:02:57 > 0:02:59SHE SCREAMS
0:02:59 > 0:03:02I think that's your pen on his left moob.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08As you all know, Mr Andrews died suddenly last week.
0:03:08 > 0:03:14For those of you who didn't know, Mr Andrews died suddenly last week.
0:03:14 > 0:03:18It was a surprise for everyone, though of course he was very fat.
0:03:20 > 0:03:24There will be a memorial service for students
0:03:24 > 0:03:29and staff to remember Mr Andrews on Friday.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32When someone dies suddenly,
0:03:32 > 0:03:37there can be many unresolved "feelings" that need to be resolved.
0:03:37 > 0:03:41Some here may be feeling angry about Mr Andrews dying and dumping
0:03:41 > 0:03:45his GCSE students in the plop and leaving me to sort out the mess.
0:03:46 > 0:03:50But we want you to know that we care about these "feelings"
0:03:50 > 0:03:53and will be providing a counsellor to help you discuss those
0:03:53 > 0:03:56"feelings" if you're the kind of kid who can't just talk it over
0:03:56 > 0:03:58with your mates like a normal person.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05You should probably see the counsellor, Viva.
0:04:05 > 0:04:06What for?
0:04:06 > 0:04:09- Well, you could be traumatised. - But I'm not.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11It's not every day you find your tutor's rotting corpse.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13You must feel a bit weird.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15No, I'm fine.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17I found my rabbit dead once.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19A rat had chewed off his head, hollowed him
0:04:19 > 0:04:21out on the inside, just leaving a furry bag.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23- Did you get any counselling? - No.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26Obviously we had a ceremony and buried him out the back,
0:04:26 > 0:04:29next to Toggle, Billy, Elvis, Tinker, Nibbler, Mavis,
0:04:29 > 0:04:33Muffin, Fudgey-Paws, Suzy, Stanley, Jacko, Peaches and Wanker.
0:04:33 > 0:04:37Ah, he's in there if any of you feel the need.
0:04:37 > 0:04:38Do we get off lessons, Sir?
0:04:38 > 0:04:41No, you'd have to go during break or free period.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43Like anyone's going to give up their free time to...
0:04:43 > 0:04:46HARP GLISSANDO, ANGELIC VOICES
0:04:46 > 0:04:49Hello Doctor, I'm here for counselling.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51DOOR SLAMS
0:04:51 > 0:04:54Er, don't forget, Viva, senior choir practice this lunch time.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56And me, Mr Jefferies, I'm in senior choir.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58Right, yes, you are.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01So really you should be reminding me as well, shouldn't you, Sir?
0:05:01 > 0:05:04Yes, right, you as well, Amber.
0:05:04 > 0:05:05BELL RINGS
0:05:05 > 0:05:10Ah, now clear the corridor for break. Er, Viva, a moment.
0:05:10 > 0:05:14It's about choir. Amber needs to leave choir.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16Leave? Why?
0:05:16 > 0:05:17Because she's no good.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19But isn't choir just about the pleasure of singing?
0:05:19 > 0:05:21But is it really about that?
0:05:21 > 0:05:24Isn't it really just on one level about sounding just a little
0:05:24 > 0:05:26bit like the tune?
0:05:26 > 0:05:27So are you just going to kick her out, then?
0:05:27 > 0:05:29No, God, no. No, no.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32I have a policy of inclusivity where choir is concerned.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35- You're going to kick her out. - Me?!
0:05:35 > 0:05:40You're her friend. It's going to sound better coming from you.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43Now, I want her out of the choir before the concert.
0:05:43 > 0:05:44Thank you, Viva.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48Urgh!
0:05:48 > 0:05:49What's your name?
0:05:49 > 0:05:50Holli Jane Vavasour.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52Do you fancy a cup of tea, Holli Jane?
0:05:52 > 0:05:53I've just boiled the kettle.
0:06:03 > 0:06:04Where would you like to start?
0:06:04 > 0:06:07I don't know. I'm well confused.
0:06:07 > 0:06:08My feelings are...
0:06:08 > 0:06:13SHE SLURPS LOUDLY
0:06:14 > 0:06:16..all over the place.
0:06:16 > 0:06:20Death can sometimes stir up some unexpected emotions.
0:06:20 > 0:06:25It's just all very raw, very sudden, very painful.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27(Four sugars, please.)
0:06:27 > 0:06:28Er, right, I'll just...
0:06:39 > 0:06:40Ow!
0:06:42 > 0:06:45Gosh, you really are suffering, aren't you, Holli Jane?
0:06:45 > 0:06:47I really am, Dr Nick.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49SHE SOBS
0:06:49 > 0:06:50This guy is hot.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53He's better looking than Rocky, he's better looking than Brandon.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56He's better looking than... Tyler Blaine.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00No-one's better looking than Tyler Blaine.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02He is. This is his bum.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05- There you are.- Hey, Rocky.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07I've got some new names for my pie shop.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10I Pie, Lord of the Pies, Pie-derman.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12- Pies R Us.- Pie-ly Tasty. - TGI Piedays.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15- The Only Way Is Pie.- Pieland, Pie Club, Fucking Lovely Pies.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17- It's hard to stop once you start. - Pies, Pies, Pies.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20- I Love The Way You Pie. - Three Point One Four Two.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22No, Saz, it's got to be pie-related.
0:07:22 > 0:07:253.142 is the mathematical constant you need
0:07:25 > 0:07:27when you're finding the circumference of a circle.
0:07:27 > 0:07:28It's called pi.
0:07:28 > 0:07:32Oh, I get it, cos pies are circles.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35Though you can get rectangular pies.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37Viva, I've got something to show you.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40- Go on then.- Here? Are you sure?
0:07:47 > 0:07:48"Viva Forever."
0:07:48 > 0:07:52And if you break up, you can pretend you're a big Spice Girls fan.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55I got it done last week at Matt's Tatt Shack.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57- Epic, right?- It's so permanent.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00I wanted to show you, but I had to wait 'till the scabs fell off.
0:08:00 > 0:08:01- Romantic(!)- Do you like it?
0:08:01 > 0:08:05Yeah, it's... It's just really permanent.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07Do you like it?
0:08:07 > 0:08:08It's amazingly...
0:08:10 > 0:08:12..hard to remove.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15Yeah, you can touch it, if Mrs Rocky says 'OK'.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20I've got to go, babes. I'll see you tomorrow.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23Pie Another Day.
0:08:23 > 0:08:24Yeah...
0:08:28 > 0:08:32So, Mrs Rocky, looks like Mr Rocky wants to settle down with you.
0:08:32 > 0:08:33That is not happening.
0:08:33 > 0:08:37Well, I think Rocky's tatt's beautiful. You're so lucky.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40When me and Brandon was together, he never did anything romantic.
0:08:40 > 0:08:44The only romantic thing he ever did was call his pet rat Amber.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46That was probably just a trick to get me to have sex with him.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49- And it actually worked. - Do you miss Brandon?
0:08:49 > 0:08:51No, I hate him. I don't want to talk about him.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53Maybe you should go see the counsellor.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55He said people can talk to him about anything.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58- About anything?- That's what he said. - Cos I've got loads of stuff I'm upset about.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00I'm going to write a list.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02Show us that picture of his bum again.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17I just got a text from Rocky.
0:09:17 > 0:09:18Boy's a legend.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20I'm going to need this table to set out my work.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23Look at that, it's a classic.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26Why has he sent you a picture of himself with a pasty on his head?
0:09:26 > 0:09:27Well, it's a joke we've got going.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30We send each other photos with pasties on our heads.
0:09:30 > 0:09:31Sounds hilarious(!)
0:09:31 > 0:09:34- Laughter, Viva, laughter. - Yes?
0:09:34 > 0:09:35"He who has laughter is a rich man."
0:09:35 > 0:09:38"Laughter is the sound of angels' wings flapping."
0:09:38 > 0:09:40"Laughter is the sunshine,
0:09:40 > 0:09:43"something, something, something that makes your face into a garden."
0:09:43 > 0:09:45What?
0:09:45 > 0:09:49Just ignore him, it's his new "inspirational quotes" app.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53- Ugh!- Right, well I'll just set out my work now, if you don't mind.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56Oh, God, lighten up, Viva. Take one of me.
0:09:58 > 0:09:59I thought it had to be a pasty.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01I'm cranking it up a level.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04Well, sorry if I don't find it amusing that I'm going to fail my
0:10:04 > 0:10:07A-Levels cos I'm taking a picture of you with a pork pie on your head.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09Can you remember the problem that was bothering me?
0:10:09 > 0:10:11Was it you couldn't remember something?
0:10:11 > 0:10:12I still can't remember what it is.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14I wonder if an onion bhaji would work.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16No, I think it's got to be meat.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19Rob, what if it's something for the baby?
0:10:19 > 0:10:22What if I forgot to get it scanned or injected or tagged or something?
0:10:22 > 0:10:24# I need your love
0:10:24 > 0:10:25# I need your time
0:10:25 > 0:10:27# When everything's wrong
0:10:27 > 0:10:29# You make it right
0:10:29 > 0:10:31# I feel so high... #
0:10:31 > 0:10:35Really makes you think, at any moment anyone could just drop
0:10:35 > 0:10:39dead in a cupboard and be discovered by two idiots trying to have sex.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41No, I've had sex in loads of cupboards
0:10:41 > 0:10:42and it's never happened to me.
0:10:42 > 0:10:43Holli!
0:10:43 > 0:10:46One minute he was the leader of science and the next,
0:10:46 > 0:10:49a billion molecules of nothing.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51Maybe Saz is right, you do need counselling.
0:10:51 > 0:10:55I don't. It's just... Life is short, Holli.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57There's Amber. Amber!
0:10:57 > 0:11:00Poor Amber. Mr Jefferies asked me to dump her from choir.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02Is her singing really that bad?
0:11:02 > 0:11:05Yeah. She sounds like someone being slowly Tasered to death.
0:11:05 > 0:11:06Hi!
0:11:06 > 0:11:07Hey. What are you so excited about?
0:11:07 > 0:11:09I'm going to see the counsellor today.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22So what did you want to talk to me about?
0:11:22 > 0:11:23Is it Mr Andrews?
0:11:23 > 0:11:27A death can sometimes stir up some unexpected emotions.
0:11:27 > 0:11:28I've got a list.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35It was my first day at Sunny Day Nursery.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37I was wearing new shoes.
0:11:37 > 0:11:41My Granny said the sparkly butterflies would give me
0:11:41 > 0:11:46princess powers, and as long as I had them on, I would be safe.
0:11:46 > 0:11:47It was a very busy day.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54At some point, I dropped off to sleep.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05And when I woke up, my butterflies were gone!
0:12:06 > 0:12:10Saz had cut them off and stuck them on her own shoes!
0:12:11 > 0:12:15Saz stole my princess powers and she never even got in trouble!
0:12:15 > 0:12:17Every day I see her, I'm reminded of it.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19Right, and by "princess powers,"
0:12:19 > 0:12:22do you mean a sort of feeling of being special?
0:12:23 > 0:12:26No, I mean my princess powers. Saz stole them.
0:12:26 > 0:12:27Do you still see her?
0:12:27 > 0:12:30Every day. She's one of my best friends.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32Right, well, that's great.
0:12:32 > 0:12:37It means you can talk to her and tell her how it made you feel.
0:12:37 > 0:12:38- Yeah.- Yeah?
0:12:38 > 0:12:43Yeah, I'm going to tell her. I'm going to tell her straightaway.
0:12:43 > 0:12:44Right, so just to be clear,
0:12:44 > 0:12:47you're having a go at me about this shoe thing from when we were three?
0:12:47 > 0:12:48Yes.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51My counsellor warned me that sometimes people don't take
0:12:51 > 0:12:53other people's feelings very seriously.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56I'm taking it seriously, and I think you should know that when we were
0:12:56 > 0:12:59foetuses I stole your umbilical cord and used it for a skipping rope.
0:12:59 > 0:13:00You're weird.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02YOU are calling ME weird?
0:13:02 > 0:13:04Yes.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06"A death can sometimes stir up unexpected emotions."
0:13:06 > 0:13:09Why do you always have to act so superior, Saz?
0:13:09 > 0:13:14Probably because I've got your princess powers!
0:13:14 > 0:13:16Oh, my God, what am I supposed to do?!
0:13:16 > 0:13:17VIVA AND HOLLI: Say sorry.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22I'm on your side, but you know the counsellor's mine, right?
0:13:22 > 0:13:24You can't have him, cos I saw him first.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27Hey! I'm going to sort this loser counsellor out!
0:13:27 > 0:13:30You can't just turn all my friends against me!
0:13:30 > 0:13:33Look, I understand why you're upset.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35I get upset too when I feel like I've been treated very badly.
0:13:35 > 0:13:39Oh, my God! Not trying to build a rapport with me, are you?
0:13:39 > 0:13:42What is that, page one of the counselling handbook?
0:13:42 > 0:13:44OK, OK. You got me there.
0:13:44 > 0:13:49But seriously, Saz, death can stir up some...
0:13:49 > 0:13:52"Stir up some unexpected emotions?" Yes, I know!
0:13:52 > 0:13:55Maybe you should talk through some of your own feelings about Amber.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57I don't have any feelings about Amber.
0:13:57 > 0:14:01I'm basically totally indifferent to that pathetic little air-head fool!
0:14:03 > 0:14:05Why did Rocky have to call me "Mrs Rocky?"
0:14:05 > 0:14:08And why did he have to get that stupid tattoo?
0:14:08 > 0:14:12- Er, der...- He's into you. And he wants to have your babies.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15He wants to stay with you and he wants you to be the one call
0:14:15 > 0:14:16if he got arrested.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18Yeah, or the one waiting for him to come out of prison.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20- You and the kids.- And the dog.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22I'm finishing it. I've made up my mind.
0:14:22 > 0:14:26- I'm dumping Rocky.- OMG!- OMFG!
0:14:26 > 0:14:29I know. How do I tell him?
0:14:29 > 0:14:32Just hit him with the truth. Or just hit him.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35Life is short and I don't have time to mess around with
0:14:35 > 0:14:37boyfriends who are a bit too thick for me and don't
0:14:37 > 0:14:42fit into my big plan and just bang on about pies all the time!
0:14:42 > 0:14:46Well, I think Rocky's quite clever.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48She actually called me weird.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50Why am I always the one getting stuck with the weird label?
0:14:50 > 0:14:53"Weird" is one of those unhelpful words.
0:14:53 > 0:14:54It's like she thinks she's so normal.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57Who decides who's weird and who's normal anyway?
0:14:57 > 0:14:59Everyone seems to know. How?!
0:14:59 > 0:15:03It was all decided at a gigantic meeting that no-one told you about.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09Sorry, I was just trying a bit of humour there.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11It's page two of the counselling handbook.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17Normal.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19Normal.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21Normal.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23Weird!
0:15:23 > 0:15:26Normal, normal, normal, normal...
0:15:26 > 0:15:28Normal.
0:15:28 > 0:15:32Normal, normal, normal, normal.
0:15:32 > 0:15:33Weird!
0:15:34 > 0:15:39But what if this lot, what if this lot are normal and those are weird?
0:15:39 > 0:15:41Then what?
0:15:41 > 0:15:44You have a lot of anger towards the other kids here.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46A very real anger.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48Very real. Yes, I do.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51And what do you feel are your options here?
0:15:51 > 0:15:54I just want to kill them all. Everyone in the school.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58I guess I'm going to need a gun.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02Do you know where to buy a gun?
0:16:04 > 0:16:09Oh! It's not coming out and that was my last bit of change.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13She can't get her Kit Kat.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15- She'll have to hit it. - Tried that, obviously.
0:16:20 > 0:16:21KIT KAT DROPS
0:16:21 > 0:16:23See that? It's your princess powers.
0:16:23 > 0:16:24Works every time.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29You need to take this seriously. She really feels hurt.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34Just say sorry and it'll be fine.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36It was 13 years ago!
0:16:41 > 0:16:43Saz, over here, please.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50What's this I hear about your plans to carry out a massacre at the school?
0:16:50 > 0:16:53- What?!- You told the counsellor you want to kill everyone at the school.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56- It was a joke, Miss. - I told him that, that's what I said.
0:16:56 > 0:16:57"It's a joke", I said.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00I mean, we all have little fantasies about blowing
0:17:00 > 0:17:03everyone at the school away. I know I do.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06But Saz, we don't tell people, because when we tell people,
0:17:06 > 0:17:08it has to go official.
0:17:08 > 0:17:09So what does that mean?
0:17:09 > 0:17:12Basically, it means an anger management workshop for you
0:17:12 > 0:17:15and a massive shittage of paperwork for me!
0:17:15 > 0:17:16I'm going to see Dr Nick.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18Again? You saw him yesterday.
0:17:18 > 0:17:22Me and Dr Nick are getting on epic. So, so epic.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25The chemistry between us is like, oh, my God.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32Would you like to talk some more about your feelings about Mr Andrews?
0:17:32 > 0:17:34- Who?- Mr...
0:17:34 > 0:17:36Oh, yeah, yeah, Mr Andrews.
0:17:36 > 0:17:40Sometimes it's like I can feel him in the building, like a presence.
0:17:40 > 0:17:44A big, bald presence. I'm so confused.
0:17:44 > 0:17:45I wish he was here.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47Have you thought about writing him a letter?
0:17:47 > 0:17:51Sometimes it's a good way of saying things to the person that you
0:17:51 > 0:17:53couldn't say to them when they were alive.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56- I'm not too good at writing, Sir. - Nick.- Dr Nick.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59- Just Nick.- Sorry. All this grieving has got my nerves proper jangled up.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01If you don't want to write him a letter,
0:18:01 > 0:18:03maybe you could say it to him.
0:18:03 > 0:18:07OK, what would you say to him if he was here right now?
0:18:07 > 0:18:10Just, "phish," just "phish," just say it to me.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12I would just say...
0:18:12 > 0:18:15"You're a lovely, big man."
0:18:17 > 0:18:23- Go on.- "A hunky man with big, strong, hard arms, like Popeye."
0:18:23 > 0:18:26Popeye, the sailor-man?
0:18:26 > 0:18:28Yes. I just want to be with you.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30This is what you'd say to Mr Andrews?
0:18:30 > 0:18:32I love you, Doctor...
0:18:32 > 0:18:33Andrews.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35BELL RINGS
0:18:35 > 0:18:37Shit. Lessons.
0:18:46 > 0:18:50Viva, have you managed to have a word with Amber about you-know-what?
0:18:50 > 0:18:53I can't do it, Sir. She just loves to sing.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56Yes, I know that. That's the problem, isn't it?
0:18:56 > 0:18:57It makes her really happy.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00Sometimes we need to consider the happiness of others too.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03- Oh.- Hey, Amber. You look nice.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05Thanks.
0:19:05 > 0:19:06Why are you all dressed up?
0:19:06 > 0:19:09- Wait a minute, is this for Dr Nick? - No.- You're lying.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11I ain't lying. I always try and dress nice.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13No, you've been glamorising yourself.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16This is just my normal look except I done my plait at a different angle.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18That's not your normal look. You look like a bigger ho than usual.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21I can't help being beautiful, Holli. That's just who I am.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24And anyway, I know he likes me, cos he hugged me.
0:19:24 > 0:19:25He hugged you?
0:19:27 > 0:19:28Yeah.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31But if he did shag one of us, I am first, cos I saw him first.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33Just don't throw yourself at him.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35You'll get a rep for being a ho.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37- You calling us hoes? - No, I'm not calling anyone a ho.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40I'm just saying that being nice is part of his job.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42Pretty sure he doesn't fancy you.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44- Cause you think he fancies me? - He doesn't fancy either of you.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46Why are you being a bitch?
0:19:46 > 0:19:47Is it cos you're stressed about Rocky?
0:19:47 > 0:19:50Hi, Mr Jefferies! See you at choir later, Mr Jefferies!
0:19:50 > 0:19:53# La, la, la, la, la, la! #
0:19:53 > 0:19:56Amber, Viva thinks when you sing, you sound like you're being Tasered to death.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59- Is that bad?- Well, yeah, specially if it was the X26.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02I've tried it on myself once and I was like, "Aaarrrgh!"
0:20:05 > 0:20:09Mr Jefferies wants you to leave choir and he asked me to tell you.
0:20:09 > 0:20:10You want me out of choir?
0:20:10 > 0:20:13It's not coming from me, it's coming from Mr Jefferies.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15I'm a good singer, aren't I?
0:20:15 > 0:20:20Well, I think you have a really amazingly loud voice.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23I know. You can hear me over everyone else in choir.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25- I proper boom, don't I?- Yeah.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27You can hear the windows rattle when I get going.
0:20:27 > 0:20:28- I'm the loudest of them all. - Yep.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31So there, I am good, you don't think I should leave?
0:20:31 > 0:20:33No. No, I don't.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35Oh!
0:20:35 > 0:20:37Oh, stop lezzing it up, I want some grub.
0:20:47 > 0:20:48You can't sit on your own.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50I'd rather sit on my own than with you bitches.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52Yeah? Stay on your own, then.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54Holli, sit down. Let's sort this out.
0:20:55 > 0:20:56I'm still upset.
0:20:56 > 0:20:57I'm still upset.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59I'm a bit upset, these fucking chips are soggy.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02I'm not saying sorry for something that happened 13 years ago
0:21:02 > 0:21:05- that I don't even remember! - Why are you so angry?
0:21:05 > 0:21:07I'm the one whose shoes got murdered.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10OK, I'll try to explain.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12Sometimes other kids call me weird.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15It's happened all through school. You probably haven't noticed.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17- I've noticed.- I've noticed. - Yeah, I've noticed too.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19There's that weird kid.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21OK, everyone has noticed.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23I hate that word.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25And I don't even remember the thing with the shoes and
0:21:25 > 0:21:29when Amber called me weird, I'm very sorry, but it does make me angry!
0:21:29 > 0:21:31So you're saying you're sorry?
0:21:31 > 0:21:35- I...- Yep. You heard the girl. She said she's very sorry.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37Apology accepted, Saz.
0:21:37 > 0:21:38I didn't...
0:21:38 > 0:21:41Let's all go Chicken Cottage after school to celebrate.
0:21:41 > 0:21:42Can't. I'm meeting Rocky.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55- Beyond epic, right?- Rocky...
0:21:55 > 0:21:57Do you want some chips?
0:21:57 > 0:21:59I only ordered one portion cos I didn't know if you was hungry,
0:21:59 > 0:22:03- but I can order two, live it large. - Rocky, life is very short.
0:22:03 > 0:22:07Yeah, that's true. So short.
0:22:07 > 0:22:08We need to live our lives.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10Really live our lives,
0:22:10 > 0:22:13cos if we don't, we could end up dead in a cupboard.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15So you and me, we need to...
0:22:17 > 0:22:20- Do you see what I mean?- Yeah.
0:22:20 > 0:22:21Yeah.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23No.
0:22:23 > 0:22:24- I'm saying...- Wait.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29Is this you breaking up with me?
0:22:29 > 0:22:31Ooh!
0:22:31 > 0:22:34You're the one dumping ME? See me crying?
0:22:34 > 0:22:37No way. Look, dry eyes.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40Come on Badges, have a chip.
0:22:40 > 0:22:44- I'm really sorry about your tattoo. - No problem.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46I think I'll be needing it again anyways.
0:22:46 > 0:22:50- How do you mean?- Well, you're not really going to dump me.
0:22:50 > 0:22:51No, I am.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55You're too full-on and I can't handle it.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58You'll be totally throwing away your discount in Rocky's Pie Hole.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00I'm going to have to live with that.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06- Let's surprise him. - He might be naked.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08Dr Sexy...?
0:23:10 > 0:23:12Hi, Holli, hi, Amber.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14BOTH: Hello, Miss.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16Have a seat.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19- Are you here to see Nick?- Yeah. We're two of his best customers,
0:23:19 > 0:23:22- aren't we Holli?- Yeah, we was both getting counselling.- OK.
0:23:22 > 0:23:26Well he's gone. Basically, it turns out he's mental.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28Plus, budget only covers four days of touchy-feely shit.
0:23:28 > 0:23:32- He's gone?- Yep. Total waste of money if you ask me.
0:23:32 > 0:23:36- Did Nick leave any notes for us? - Let me see. Ah, yes!
0:23:36 > 0:23:40I've got a big box of love letters for Holli and Amber right here.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42Not really, you idiots!
0:23:42 > 0:23:45Oh, come, on girls, snap out of it.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48- You're not still upset about Mr Andrews, are you?- Who?
0:23:48 > 0:23:50I think I might be getting over him.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52- But what's Mr Andrews got to do with anything?- Come, on Amber.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55But we haven't... What about... I want Dr Nick!
0:23:55 > 0:23:57He's gone, Amber.
0:23:57 > 0:23:58Gone.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02Is there going to be a new counsellor to help us
0:24:02 > 0:24:04get over the loss of our old counsellor?
0:24:04 > 0:24:06No! Get out of here!
0:24:06 > 0:24:08I never had any counselling when my dad's flock got flystrike
0:24:08 > 0:24:11and I had to single-handedly scrape the maggots
0:24:11 > 0:24:13out of the arses of 1,200 sheep!
0:24:16 > 0:24:18MUSIC: "True" by Spandau Ballet
0:24:26 > 0:24:29# Ha, ha, ha, ha, hi... #
0:24:35 > 0:24:37The thing I was supposed to remember,
0:24:37 > 0:24:39whatever it is, it's getting more urgent.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41Sorry.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44Settle down, please, everybody.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46We're now going to watch a slide show
0:24:46 > 0:24:51while listening to some of Mr Andrews' favourite music.
0:24:51 > 0:24:54# This is the sound of my soul
0:24:54 > 0:24:58# This is the sound... #
0:24:58 > 0:25:01# The final countdown! #
0:25:05 > 0:25:06APPLAUSE
0:25:06 > 0:25:11And now I'd like to hand over to what I know will be a very moving
0:25:11 > 0:25:16part of the service, the student tribute organised by Miss Hitchcock.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19Fuck!
0:25:19 > 0:25:21APPLAUSE
0:25:23 > 0:25:25Thank you, Mr Jefferies.
0:25:25 > 0:25:30Your part of the service was indeed a wonderful tribute to
0:25:30 > 0:25:34a larger-than-life character whose love affair with deep pan
0:25:34 > 0:25:38pizza proved to be a fatal attraction.
0:25:40 > 0:25:45And now for the student tribute to Mr Andrews.
0:25:46 > 0:25:49- Viva Bennett would like to say a few words.- Me?
0:25:52 > 0:25:54(I'm pregnant.)
0:25:58 > 0:26:00What can I say about Mr Andrews?
0:26:04 > 0:26:09Mr Andrews taught me everything I know about hydrocarbons.
0:26:09 > 0:26:13Gasoline, butane, methane,
0:26:13 > 0:26:16propane, bitumen,
0:26:16 > 0:26:19diesel, petrol...
0:26:19 > 0:26:23- ..kerosene...- Windolene. - A lot.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26But then I dropped chemistry after GCSE
0:26:26 > 0:26:31and Mr Andrews dropped out of my life and...
0:26:35 > 0:26:38When someone is a part of your life for a really long time
0:26:38 > 0:26:41and then suddenly they're gone, it leaves a hole.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43A really enormous hole.
0:26:43 > 0:26:47And you think, did I do the right thing when I dumped him?
0:26:47 > 0:26:49- Should I have just... - Er, OK, thanks, Viva.
0:26:49 > 0:26:52Viva and Mr Andrews, I didn't even realise!
0:26:52 > 0:26:54Viva, we'd all love it
0:26:54 > 0:26:58if you could sing the hymn we've been learning in senior choir?
0:26:58 > 0:26:59Really?
0:27:03 > 0:27:08# Abide with me
0:27:08 > 0:27:13# Fast falls the eventide
0:27:13 > 0:27:20# The darkness deepens
0:27:20 > 0:27:26# Lord, with me abide... #
0:27:28 > 0:27:31Don't worry, I've got this.
0:27:31 > 0:27:32ALARM RINGS
0:27:32 > 0:27:36All right, everybody, calmly evacuate the building!
0:27:43 > 0:27:46- Would you do it with a homeless guy? - If he was a hottie, I might.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48And if he had a nice dog.
0:27:48 > 0:27:49Would you do it with Kai Birmingham?
0:27:49 > 0:27:51I've done it with Kai Birmingham, twice.
0:27:51 > 0:27:52Would you do it...
0:27:52 > 0:27:54AMBER SCREAMS
0:27:54 > 0:27:56I'm really sorry about your shoes, Amber.
0:27:56 > 0:27:58You've got your princess powers back again.
0:27:58 > 0:28:00I can feel it! I can feel it!
0:28:02 > 0:28:05Weird people are the best kind of people.
0:28:07 > 0:28:09# People keep saying I'm doing it wrong
0:28:09 > 0:28:12# But I say it feels all right
0:28:12 > 0:28:18# I really do try Really do try, really do try
0:28:18 > 0:28:21# There's a million things that I could change
0:28:21 > 0:28:24# But maybe it's all right
0:28:24 > 0:28:28# This is my life, this is my life This is my life. #
0:28:32 > 0:28:33Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd