0:00:02 > 0:00:06This programme contains adult humour and some strong language.
0:00:06 > 0:00:09# I really do try, really do try Really do try
0:00:09 > 0:00:12# There's a million things that I could change
0:00:12 > 0:00:15# But maybe it's all right
0:00:15 > 0:00:19# Cos this is my life, this is my life, this is my life. #
0:00:19 > 0:00:22Thought I was going to be late. Jake tried to eat Mac.
0:00:22 > 0:00:24- It was horrible.- Is Mac OK?
0:00:24 > 0:00:26Yeah, I think so. Are you OK, Mac?
0:00:28 > 0:00:29Yeah, he's fine.
0:00:29 > 0:00:31You can't bring him to school!
0:00:31 > 0:00:33I had to. If he stays home, Jake will eat him.
0:00:33 > 0:00:36Jake's trying to become the alpha male of the house. He thinks he has
0:00:36 > 0:00:39to eat all the other pets. He's already had Wolverine.
0:00:39 > 0:00:42- Goldfish.- Mac can just sleep in the bag, he likes sleeping.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44What if a teacher sees him?
0:00:44 > 0:00:47I'm going to pretend he's a furry pencil case.
0:00:47 > 0:00:50Oh, you're actually serious? Yes, good plan(!)
0:00:50 > 0:00:51Where's his zip, though?
0:00:51 > 0:00:54You're going to have an amazing day, Mac.
0:00:54 > 0:00:55We've got textiles first,
0:00:55 > 0:00:57and I'm going to show you how to work a sewing machine!
0:00:57 > 0:00:58DOG WHIMPERS
0:00:59 > 0:01:02Let's have some quiet, please, J K Rowling House.
0:01:02 > 0:01:05I've got a couple of announcements to make, but first of all,
0:01:05 > 0:01:09I'd like to hand you over to Tyler Blaine, our Head Boy.
0:01:09 > 0:01:10Hey, guys.
0:01:10 > 0:01:14Just a quick reminder about our Greenshoots Got Talent charity night.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16Now, I'm holding auditions all this week,
0:01:16 > 0:01:18so come along and see if you've got what it takes.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21I doubt any of them have got any real talent,
0:01:21 > 0:01:24but wouldn't it be lovely to be proved wrong?
0:01:24 > 0:01:29Still, I've been working here seven years and it hasn't happened yet.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31Oh. OK, thank you, Tyler Blaine.
0:01:31 > 0:01:35Looking very sharp today, by the way, loving the hair.
0:01:35 > 0:01:36Oh, is that new?
0:01:36 > 0:01:39Auditions taking place lunch time, music block.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41Thank you, Tyler Blaine. Let's give him a round of applause.
0:01:46 > 0:01:49Now, I'm disappointed to have to say that there has been
0:01:49 > 0:01:52evidence of drug use in the toilets.
0:01:52 > 0:01:56As you all know, anyone found in possession of drugs on school
0:01:56 > 0:01:58premises will face severe consequences.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00(Best to have them before you get here.)
0:02:00 > 0:02:03- Ssh.- So I'm putting a five minute limit on toilet visits.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06(I could do so many drugs in five minutes, she's got no idea.)
0:02:06 > 0:02:07Shut up, Holli.
0:02:07 > 0:02:11So I need some volunteers from sixth form to run my anti-narcotics
0:02:11 > 0:02:14toilet squad, the ANTS.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17The "Ants" will monitor the toilets every break time.
0:02:17 > 0:02:21I can't go if someone's listening. What if I rupture my bladder?
0:02:21 > 0:02:22Like you did in year three.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25It's quite a good gig, because you'll be issued with
0:02:25 > 0:02:28a clipboard, a pen, a tabard and a stopwatch.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31Plus it's a good little extra for your uni application.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33So, who wants to volunteer?
0:02:35 > 0:02:37OK, thanks, Viva.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39No, I didn't volunteer.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41You start today.
0:02:41 > 0:02:42I didn't volunteer.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44So, any questions?
0:02:44 > 0:02:46I didn't volunteer!
0:02:55 > 0:03:00That's it, Mac, just tap the screen when you see the snack you want.
0:03:00 > 0:03:04I hope you're going to audition. I know you can sing.
0:03:04 > 0:03:08I'm not sure. Probably be too busy logging people's toilet visits.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11Logging people's logs. Ha-ha.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13Come on, that's funny.
0:03:13 > 0:03:14HOLLI SCOFFS
0:03:15 > 0:03:18Do you want me to talk to Anna and get you off toilet duty?
0:03:18 > 0:03:21- Because I can do that for you, no probs.- You call her Anna?
0:03:21 > 0:03:24Or Hitchy. It's a Head Boy privilege.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26It's OK, I'll handle "Hitchy".
0:03:26 > 0:03:29Oh, independent, I like that.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31You know, this might sound weird,
0:03:31 > 0:03:33but you look kind of hot in that outfit.
0:03:33 > 0:03:37OK. Have you got a thing for toilet monitors?
0:03:37 > 0:03:38Not usually.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47- GIRLS:- Hey, Tyler!
0:03:53 > 0:03:55I've got a message for you from Charlie.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57Stay away from Tyler.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59What, is she fake pregnant again?
0:03:59 > 0:04:01But this time by Tyler, like she was fake pregnant by Brandon?
0:04:01 > 0:04:04You'd better listen up, toilet girl, cos this is serious.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06The message is, stay away from Tyler.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08Tyler Blaine belongs to me.
0:04:08 > 0:04:12I mean to us, I mean to Char...
0:04:12 > 0:04:15You like him too, but Charlie won't let you have him?
0:04:15 > 0:04:17You and your friends had better watch out!
0:04:17 > 0:04:20Make that...47 seconds.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22I fucking rule at quick weeing.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27Guess what? Tyler Blaine fancies Viva.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29That's not what I said.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31- Fancies Viva?- What's that?
0:04:31 > 0:04:32My private journal.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34- Oh, private, can we see? - Is it a diary?
0:04:34 > 0:04:37No, it's a journal. Remember that counsellor we saw?
0:04:37 > 0:04:39He thought it might help me sort out my feelings
0:04:39 > 0:04:40if I write everything down.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42Is it feelings about why no boys fancy you?
0:04:42 > 0:04:45It's just a way for me to vent about stuff that I might be repressing.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48- About why no boys fancy you? - No, Amber, it's not about that.
0:04:48 > 0:04:53It's mostly about issues with my family and spiritual differences.
0:04:53 > 0:04:57The dilemmas facing a modern Sikh girl in a Western society.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59And some other random stuff.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01I bet it's about why no boys fancy you.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03Joe fancied her.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05Yeah, but he's emigrated to Australia.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07Madison really tried to scare me.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10She told me to stay away from Tyler or else.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12It's classic bully bullshit.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14I don't get why Tyler Blaine fancies you.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16I mean, I'm blonde.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27Weird, Amber was supposed to meet me, but never showed,
0:05:27 > 0:05:29and now she's not even replying to my texts.
0:05:29 > 0:05:30I wouldn't worry about Amber,
0:05:30 > 0:05:32she went to give Mac a tour of the IT suite.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35- They got Mac! They got Mac! - Who did this, Amber?
0:05:35 > 0:05:38It was Charlie and her gang, they grabbed me.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41They took Mac. They tied me to a pillar.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44They said Charlie was serious about Viva leaving Tyler alone.
0:05:44 > 0:05:45They won't get away with this.
0:05:45 > 0:05:49I'm going to hurt them girls, swear down. It's not OK!
0:05:49 > 0:05:52Ah, he's all right Amber. He looks a bit freaked-out.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54No, I think that's just his face.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56No-one takes my best friend and tapes them to a pillar!
0:05:56 > 0:05:59No-one takes my best friend's dog and tapes HIM to a pillar!
0:05:59 > 0:06:00This is not OK!
0:06:00 > 0:06:03Calm down, Holli, you're not helping. Has anyone got a tissue?
0:06:03 > 0:06:06- No.- She really needs a tissue. - I'm going to...
0:06:06 > 0:06:10I don't know what I'm going to do, but I'm going to hurt them, I swear DOWN!
0:06:10 > 0:06:13Try this. Sorry, it's all I've got.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16Have you got any more? Light flow just isn't going to cut it.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18AMBER SOBS
0:06:20 > 0:06:24I'm going to kidnap them, tie them up, drive them out to the country
0:06:24 > 0:06:26and dump them in a forest to be eaten by wolves.
0:06:26 > 0:06:27That's what I'm going to do.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30Wolves have been extinct in the UK since 1843, but whatever.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32You don't think big, you'll never achieve nothing.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34We should go to Mr Jefferies.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36No, I don't want Mr Jefferies getting involved.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38Why? Are you scared of Charlie?
0:06:38 > 0:06:41Not for me, for Mac. He's easily scared.
0:06:41 > 0:06:42He's scared of the colour red.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45He goes mental every time we pass a post-box.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47He saw a Ferrari once and disembowelled a squirrel.
0:06:47 > 0:06:51It's not fair, you getting attacked cos of me talking to Tyler.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53I'm not sure I even like Tyler.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55Course you do. You must. He's...
0:06:55 > 0:06:57- ALL:- Tyler Blaine.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00Nice apron.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04DOG BARKS
0:07:04 > 0:07:05APRON RIPS
0:07:07 > 0:07:08Hey, Viva.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11Dad, she made me stand outside the toilets all of lunch time!
0:07:11 > 0:07:14- What's this, Anna? - It's a very important job.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16Viva's heading up the Anti-Narcotics Toilet Squad.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19I still haven't got that smell out of my nose.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21That smell is minuscule particles of faecal matter stuck
0:07:21 > 0:07:24- to your nostril hair.- Ugh!
0:07:24 > 0:07:26That's just... Urgh!
0:07:26 > 0:07:28God, you pick on me all the time!
0:07:28 > 0:07:31You know I can't show you favouritism just cos we're related.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34- We're not related. - We live in the same house,
0:07:34 > 0:07:37I'm shagging your dad, I'm about to give birth to your sister.
0:07:37 > 0:07:38- I think...- No, we're not related.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40Well, we will be once the baby comes.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42I'll be related to the baby, not you.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44Whoa, let's mellow this vibe down, ladies.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46Tell her not to make me do the toilet thing!
0:07:46 > 0:07:48The Principal's breathing down my neck every day
0:07:48 > 0:07:51about the sixth formers being so stoned, they can't do their work.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54You don't realise how much nicer they are when they're baked.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56You know what I think?
0:07:56 > 0:07:58You two are the two females I love most in the world
0:07:58 > 0:08:00and you need to learn to love each other,
0:08:00 > 0:08:04because a home without love is like a car without an engine.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06It's like a torch without batteries,
0:08:06 > 0:08:08it's like a sausage roll with no sausage.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10Misfits after the funny one left.
0:08:10 > 0:08:14Dad, I love you, but do not expect me to pretend to love her!
0:08:14 > 0:08:16I'm just asking for some mutual respect.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18Exactly. I think she should call me Mum.
0:08:22 > 0:08:26I'm just kidding! not really. Oh, that would be horrible!
0:08:31 > 0:08:33OK, do we sit with Tyler?
0:08:33 > 0:08:36I think Mac would like us to make a stand.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Mac hates bullies.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41Yeah, we're really getting that(!)
0:08:41 > 0:08:43What happened to you coming to audition?
0:08:43 > 0:08:46- I never said I was going to. - Mac and I are going to come.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49We've got a mind-reading act. I can read his mind.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52Like, I just look at him and I know he wants a sausage.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54He can read my mind too.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56Must have amazing eyesight.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59Mac wants us to go toilet now.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04I'm sorry, Tyler, but I don't really like singing in public.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06It's more of an in-the-shower thing.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08I'll audition you there if you like.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10I sing in the shower as well, Tyler.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13You're welcome to audition me in there any time.
0:09:13 > 0:09:14(17 Edenside Close.)
0:09:14 > 0:09:17Always a warm welcome at my place, Tyler,
0:09:17 > 0:09:20especially in the shower, cos that water's scalding hot.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22I'm going to head over to the music block.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25Seriously, Viva, you need to audition.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28You've got something special.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33OK, you've got to bang him,
0:09:33 > 0:09:36cos if you don't, you'll spend the rest of your life regretting it.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38No! I just don't want to.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40- But it's a waste. - I'm still getting over Rocky.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43The thing is, he's never going to bang me, so you banging him is the
0:09:43 > 0:09:45only way I'm going to find out what it's like.
0:09:45 > 0:09:49So basically, you saying you won't bang him is you being a bitch to me.
0:09:49 > 0:09:50VIVA SCOFFS
0:09:50 > 0:09:52Let's wave.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57It's nice we're making friends with them now.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23Have you ever been sitting there and thought to yourself,
0:10:23 > 0:10:27"What's that smell"? And then you realise, "OMG, it's my fanny."
0:10:27 > 0:10:30- No.- No, no, nor me.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32They've attacked my locker now!
0:10:32 > 0:10:34Everything in there is covered in acid or something.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36They can't get away with this.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38Typical, the shitting cameras are broken.
0:10:38 > 0:10:39How come it's always working fine
0:10:39 > 0:10:42when I'm the one pouring hydrochloric acid into the lockers?
0:10:42 > 0:10:45Mine's OK. Yay! Found my Smarties.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48Those bitches!
0:10:48 > 0:10:50This is all my fault.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52I wonder why they didn't do my locker.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55Maybe they thought after what they done to Mac the other day,
0:10:55 > 0:10:57- I'd suffered enough. - Where is Mac?
0:10:57 > 0:10:59He's in my bag.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01He's gone! He's gone! Maccy!
0:11:01 > 0:11:02Maccy!
0:11:02 > 0:11:04MAC BARKS
0:11:04 > 0:11:06- Where did it come from? - HOLLI AND VIVA: Over there.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08MAC BARKS
0:11:08 > 0:11:09Argh!
0:11:09 > 0:11:11Oh, I have to get Mr Taylor.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39Maccy!
0:11:39 > 0:11:40MAC BARKS
0:11:42 > 0:11:45You're safe now, boy. Amby Wamby's here.
0:11:45 > 0:11:46What's going on?
0:11:46 > 0:11:49I'm sorry, Saz, but we've had all our lockers attacked.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51- Probably done yours as well. - No, it'll be fine.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53Have you lot never seen a teen movie before?
0:11:53 > 0:11:56Lockers are the first place that bullies think of.
0:11:56 > 0:11:57Classic bully bullshit.
0:11:57 > 0:12:01Trick is, keep one step ahead. Changed my locker yesterday.
0:12:01 > 0:12:02Oh, my God!
0:12:03 > 0:12:04Look at them gloating!
0:12:08 > 0:12:10You want to mess? You want to mess?
0:12:10 > 0:12:12I said, do you want to mess?!
0:12:12 > 0:12:15Excuse me, but I think your eyeballs are going to pop out and roll down the corridor.
0:12:15 > 0:12:16You what?
0:12:16 > 0:12:18Holli, leave it. Let's take this to Mr Jefferies.
0:12:18 > 0:12:22- Take what? You've got nothing. - I'm going to hurt these hos.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25I'm going to pull out your hair extensions and strangle you with them!
0:12:25 > 0:12:28I'm going to rip out your fake nails and carve my name on your face.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30No! That's what they want, they want you to get in trouble
0:12:30 > 0:12:32and get kicked out of school.
0:12:32 > 0:12:33It's simple.
0:12:33 > 0:12:37You stay away from Tyler and we'll leave you alone.
0:12:37 > 0:12:38Tyler's mine.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41Why would Tyler go for someone who's banged the whole football team
0:12:41 > 0:12:44and the whole rugby squad and even the whole of Ultimate Frisbee club?
0:12:44 > 0:12:47In fact, are there any boys left in this entire school who've
0:12:47 > 0:12:50managed to avoid the cosmic suction force of your vagina?!
0:12:53 > 0:12:54OK!
0:12:54 > 0:12:56Let's go.
0:12:56 > 0:12:57BELL RINGS
0:13:00 > 0:13:02So, I guess you're not coming to audition?
0:13:02 > 0:13:05- No.- It's a shame. I really think you're talented.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08I heard you singing in the school concert and it was beautiful.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11It made the hairs on my arms stand on end.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14- Really?- We should get together some time, have a chat
0:13:14 > 0:13:17about uni applications and stuff.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I'd love that, Tyler.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23- How about today after school? - Today?
0:13:25 > 0:13:28I've got a meeting with the Principle at 3:30 to discuss
0:13:28 > 0:13:31this school I'm helping build in Gambia, but...
0:13:31 > 0:13:33You can probably squeeze her in after.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36- I can meet you at the caff at 4:30. - I'll be there.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38- She'll be there.- Awesome. - She's looking forward to it.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40Shut up, Holli!
0:13:40 > 0:13:41- MADISON:- Hey, Tyler.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44We'll be coming to audition, Tyler. See you later, Tyler.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47And don't forget your date with Viva, Tyler.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13No!
0:14:13 > 0:14:15- No, they can't read it! - What's the matter, Saz?
0:14:15 > 0:14:17It's gone! My journal!
0:14:17 > 0:14:20Oh, my God, it can't come out.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22It just can't come out. IT CANNOT COME OUT!
0:14:22 > 0:14:24Saz, it's OK. We'll help you get it back.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27They're going to read it and tell everyone what's inside,
0:14:27 > 0:14:29and when they do, I will literally want to kill myself!
0:14:29 > 0:14:32It is that bad! My family will find out.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34I'll bring dishonour to my father.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36He'll send me off to the Punjab to learn to be a good girl
0:14:36 > 0:14:38and I'll never see my friends again!
0:14:38 > 0:14:41Saz, please! Don't get upset. We can sort this out.
0:14:41 > 0:14:45It can't be sorted out. You can't do nothing, admit it!
0:14:45 > 0:14:48I need to start planning my suicide.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50It's the only way.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53OK, this is all because of me and Tyler Blaine, so maybe if we,
0:14:53 > 0:14:56if we go to Charlie and I promise to stay away from Tyler...
0:14:56 > 0:14:59Saz, will you stop making that noise and listen to me?
0:14:59 > 0:15:02If I go to Charlie and promise to stay away from Tyler,
0:15:02 > 0:15:04then maybe they'll give us your diary back.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06Fuck that. We don't let Charlie win, ever.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08Normally I'd agree with you, but look...
0:15:08 > 0:15:10We have got to do something.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12SAZ SHRIEKS
0:15:33 > 0:15:37You win, Charlie. I'll leave Tyler alone like you wanted.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39You said this would happen, didn't you, Charlie?
0:15:39 > 0:15:41Charlie said this would happen.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43So, you've come to beg for your diary?
0:15:43 > 0:15:44Do you see us begging?
0:15:47 > 0:15:49I mean, we're asking politely.
0:15:49 > 0:15:50Maybe you should beg.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52We're not begging.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54That's a shame.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57Saz, no!
0:15:57 > 0:15:59Please can I have my journal back?
0:15:59 > 0:16:03Charlie didn't catch that. You need to beg!
0:16:06 > 0:16:09I'm begging, please can I have my diary back?
0:16:09 > 0:16:11CHARLIE LAUGHS
0:16:11 > 0:16:13- No.- It's such a good read.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15We're going to hang on to it for a bit.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18You should get it published. Fifty Shades Of Weird.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20Come on, Saz, this isn't working.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22Please!
0:16:22 > 0:16:25OK, fine, you can keep Saz's diary,
0:16:25 > 0:16:28but that means I'm going to do whatever I like with Tyler Blaine.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31You're so pathetic, you probably don't even know what to do,
0:16:31 > 0:16:32or how to do it.
0:16:32 > 0:16:36Really? Don't I?
0:16:36 > 0:16:39Well, maybe I'm just going to drizzle him with maple syrup
0:16:39 > 0:16:41and have him on a waffle!
0:16:43 > 0:16:45Which is a metaphor, by the way.
0:16:45 > 0:16:46GIRLS LAUGHS
0:16:46 > 0:16:47I think.
0:16:52 > 0:16:53I'm really sorry, Saz.
0:16:53 > 0:16:57No-one can help me. It's classic bully bullshit!
0:17:04 > 0:17:06You're late. Your hot chocolate's cold.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08It's cold chocolate.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10Yeah, I had to do something important.
0:17:10 > 0:17:11If you arrange to meet someone,
0:17:11 > 0:17:14you should probably turn up on time or it's just unprofessional.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16- "Unprofessional?"- Yeah!
0:17:16 > 0:17:19I've got a lot to achieve and the clock is ticking.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22Sorry to be late, I was trying to help a friend.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25Hmm, OK. That's good.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27Impressive value system.
0:17:27 > 0:17:31I think you and I have a lot in common.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34I think your girlfriend's spotted us.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36Oh, it's Emily!
0:17:37 > 0:17:39She's from the hospice.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41She likes to go for a wander in the afternoons.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43You know her?
0:17:43 > 0:17:45I volunteer there. Sit with the old folk.
0:17:45 > 0:17:49At a hospice? Isn't that very sad?
0:17:49 > 0:17:51No, no.
0:17:51 > 0:17:52And they love it.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55I'm told it's nice for them to sit with someone who's young
0:17:55 > 0:17:58and handsome and doesn't smell of death.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00She looks like she's waiting for you.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03Yeah. I'd better walk her back to the hospice.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06That's so lovely of you.
0:18:06 > 0:18:07Yeah.
0:18:07 > 0:18:12To be honest, Emily's a bit of a groper, but if she wants one
0:18:12 > 0:18:17last squeeze of a firm young bum, then who am I to deny her?
0:18:17 > 0:18:19She'll be dead soon.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22Well, it's still really lovely of you.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25Yeah. And that shit looks epic on your uni application.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29Obviously, I care deeply as well.
0:18:30 > 0:18:34- Thanks for the cold hot chocolate. - My pleasure.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51Look at this.
0:18:55 > 0:18:56Shit, it's Saz's diary.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58"Some thoughts about eye contact."
0:18:58 > 0:19:00Huh?
0:19:00 > 0:19:02"I've been keeping a record of eye contact
0:19:02 > 0:19:05"and I'm beginning to realise that for some reason people find
0:19:05 > 0:19:07"it uncomfortable to make eye contact with me."
0:19:07 > 0:19:10- She's mental.- "I can't tell people, cos they'll say I'm mental."
0:19:10 > 0:19:12And look there.
0:19:12 > 0:19:13There's a web link.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17But what are they?
0:19:17 > 0:19:21Saz has made up some pie charts to do with eye contact and other stuff.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23What does it all mean?
0:19:23 > 0:19:25That one's to do with pavements.
0:19:25 > 0:19:28How often we walk three across with her behind.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30It's 57%, apparently.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35Oh, it's OK, babe. It's not that bad.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37You can ride this out.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39More to come! More to come! More to come!
0:19:44 > 0:19:46Awesome thumb-work there, Rocky.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49Look at that, Jamie, see how he does that flick with his thumb?
0:19:49 > 0:19:51That's how you handle zombies.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53Can I get a turn?
0:19:53 > 0:19:56Come on, Jamie, he's on a roll, you don't interrupt a master at work.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59That's it, that's it. That's it!
0:19:59 > 0:20:02- Yes!!- He's beaten your top score, Jamie.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04I don't care about top score. It's just a number.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07- Yeah, a much higher number.- Yes!
0:20:07 > 0:20:10You'll have to train me up on that thumb thing.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13- Where are you off to?- I thought I might sit in the cupboard in my room
0:20:13 > 0:20:15and pick off a patch of flaky paint from the wall.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17OK, son, enjoy.
0:20:17 > 0:20:18Stop whinging, I told you,
0:20:18 > 0:20:20I've found you a volunteer for toilet duty.
0:20:20 > 0:20:21I never volunteered.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27Come on, Anna, let's leave these two alone.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30- I can oil your bump if you like. - Aw, thanks, babe!
0:20:31 > 0:20:35It makes it very difficult for me, you coming round here all the time.
0:20:35 > 0:20:36I get that.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39Cos you're so torn about how you feel about me.
0:20:39 > 0:20:40It's destroying you.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42No. We're over.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45It's time for you to start the next chapter of your life.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53New pages! New pages!
0:20:53 > 0:20:56"Some thoughts about masturbation." Oh, no.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58"No-one talks about masturbation,
0:20:58 > 0:21:01"but I bet everyone is doing it, even Miss Phillips.
0:21:01 > 0:21:05"But I bet if I tried to talk about it, they would pretend they don't."
0:21:08 > 0:21:13"On Monday, I masturbated, thinking about Brandon." Right.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16"On Tuesday, I masturbated, thinking about Joe."
0:21:16 > 0:21:18"And Wednesday, I thought about Tyler."
0:21:18 > 0:21:20- "But that didn't work." - "So I changed to Jordan."
0:21:20 > 0:21:22- "But that didn't work." - "So I changed to Brandon."
0:21:22 > 0:21:24Yeah, bet that worked for you, babe.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27Even I masturbate, thinking about Brandon.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30"It's like sometimes I like BBQ flavour crisps
0:21:30 > 0:21:34"and sometimes I like chicken. So what's the problem?"
0:21:34 > 0:21:36What's crisps got to do with anything?
0:21:36 > 0:21:39"And yesterday I masturbated,
0:21:39 > 0:21:41"thinking about Big Jim, the caretaker."
0:21:41 > 0:21:43ALL: Urrgh!
0:21:43 > 0:21:45Come on, we've all done it.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48This is turning out to be a bit more original than I thought.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50I need to talk to you all privately.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52Oh, hold on, I'm a slow reader.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55Saz, it's like you spend all your time making pie charts and wanking.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57I think people are going to forget about all this soon.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00- No, they won't. - "More to come tomorrow." Great!
0:22:00 > 0:22:03I need to talk to you three. Can we go to the cafe after school?
0:22:03 > 0:22:05Big Jim, eh?
0:22:06 > 0:22:09Viva, have you got a moment?
0:22:09 > 0:22:11I need an urgent word about my Gambia project.
0:22:15 > 0:22:18It's not really about Gambia.
0:22:18 > 0:22:22I just saw you and got a slight heart-attacky feeling.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24I really want to kiss you.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26Would you be into that idea at all?
0:22:31 > 0:22:32Viva, are you coming?
0:22:32 > 0:22:35Shit, everyone! Viva's snogging Tyler Blaine!
0:22:35 > 0:22:36STUDENTS CHATTER
0:22:43 > 0:22:44What's the big deal?
0:22:44 > 0:22:46It's just a nice way to relax at bedtime.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48You never tried hot chocolate?
0:22:48 > 0:22:51I think it's really brave, you telling everyone about all this.
0:22:51 > 0:22:52Not many girls would do that.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55She didn't exactly tell people, Amber.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57I need to talk to you about the other stuff.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00There's some other stuff. It's going to be about you.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02All of you.
0:23:02 > 0:23:03You got it back?
0:23:03 > 0:23:06After they photocopied the whole thing.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08Anyway, I want you to hear this from me.
0:23:08 > 0:23:09What did you put about me?
0:23:09 > 0:23:12I'm just going to read the worst bit, OK?
0:23:12 > 0:23:13"Amber."
0:23:14 > 0:23:17"Why does Amber have to be such a whore?
0:23:17 > 0:23:20"I overlook the fact she's thick, because she can't help it,
0:23:20 > 0:23:23"but there is no excuse for her behaviour around guys.
0:23:23 > 0:23:27"She may as well just wear a big sign around her neck saying
0:23:27 > 0:23:29'I do it with anyone'.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32"Plus she thinks she's pretty, just cos she's got long, blonde
0:23:32 > 0:23:35"hair, but I've seen that hair close up and let me tell you,
0:23:35 > 0:23:37"she has bare split ends."
0:23:41 > 0:23:43Split ends?!
0:23:43 > 0:23:46There's other bits, like when I expressed my shock
0:23:46 > 0:23:48that you thought a reindeer's antlers were its ears.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50You'll find that antlers do double-up as ears.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53It's true, I swear down. I'll back her on that one.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55No, it's not true. The ears are separate.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59- Read mine now.- OK.
0:23:59 > 0:24:04"Viva is very pretty with beautiful, sparkly eyes and a great bod.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07"And she is a nice, kind girl who tries to help people."
0:24:07 > 0:24:09That doesn't sound too bad.
0:24:09 > 0:24:13"Can't they see, she's just a boring girl with no personality,
0:24:13 > 0:24:18"whose only interesting point is how incredibly uninteresting she is."
0:24:18 > 0:24:19Oh.
0:24:19 > 0:24:23I think that's probably hurtful. I can't always tell.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26So what you put about me in there? Don't tell me, I can guess anyway.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28"Holli's violent, Holli likes to hit people.
0:24:28 > 0:24:29"Holli likes to bite people."
0:24:29 > 0:24:32I haven't bitten anyone in ages, that is totally unfair!
0:24:32 > 0:24:35It's probably easier if I just show you.
0:24:35 > 0:24:36What the fuck?
0:24:36 > 0:24:38- It's different nutritional break-downs.- What?!
0:24:38 > 0:24:40I made a study of your food intake
0:24:40 > 0:24:42and worked out some nutritional stats.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44Do you know your salt intake is about 700% what it should be?
0:24:44 > 0:24:47Whoa, your iron is low. You could well be anaemic.
0:24:47 > 0:24:51Looking at these, it's amazing you haven't got scurvy.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57Doesn't anyone want to say anything?
0:25:00 > 0:25:01THEY SHOUT
0:25:02 > 0:25:04And I condition every day!
0:25:04 > 0:25:06Let's go before my anaemic hand bangs on her face!
0:25:06 > 0:25:09I have tried to be there for you and support you,
0:25:09 > 0:25:11but all the time, it's just like you hate us!
0:25:21 > 0:25:24Isn't it true that we all think mean things about each other,
0:25:24 > 0:25:27but most of us don't write it down and then get it exposed?
0:25:27 > 0:25:28What are you saying?
0:25:28 > 0:25:31If we're not her friends, then she's got no-one.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33And if we don't go back, Charlie wins.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35Let's go back.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39Is there anything bad in there about Mac?
0:25:39 > 0:25:41Yes.
0:25:51 > 0:25:52So, jokes that Daniel is doing toilet duty.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55I guess Bitchcock doesn't know he's the main drug dealer in the school.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58- Did you get the equipment, Holls? - Yep!
0:26:01 > 0:26:02Hurry up, Holli.
0:26:02 > 0:26:03SAWING
0:26:07 > 0:26:09I really don't get what you see in Big Jim.
0:26:25 > 0:26:26Hello, Tyler.
0:26:26 > 0:26:32Hey, Charlie. Hey, Madison. Hey, Miffy. Hey...you.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34We're a dance act.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36Cool. And have you got a name?
0:26:36 > 0:26:37We're called The Pretties.
0:26:37 > 0:26:41And, Tyler, just to say, on behalf of all of us, about how epic it is
0:26:41 > 0:26:45the amount of funds you managed to raise for that school in Camibia.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48Madison, I was supposed to say that.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51Awesome. Go for it.
0:26:51 > 0:26:52DANCE MUSIC
0:27:00 > 0:27:02# Come on...
0:27:03 > 0:27:06# If you don't take control
0:27:06 > 0:27:08# You'll never know
0:27:08 > 0:27:09# Get down
0:27:09 > 0:27:11# Get physical
0:27:11 > 0:27:14# If you don't take control
0:27:14 > 0:27:16# Put on a show
0:27:16 > 0:27:18# Get down
0:27:18 > 0:27:21# Get physical. #
0:27:23 > 0:27:24THEY LAUGH
0:27:24 > 0:27:25GIRLS ON FLOOR MOAN
0:27:25 > 0:27:28You all right, Charlie?
0:27:32 > 0:27:33Aaaah!
0:27:33 > 0:27:35GIRLS ON FLOOR MOAN
0:27:38 > 0:27:40# People keep saying I'm doing it wrong
0:27:40 > 0:27:43# But I say it feels all right
0:27:43 > 0:27:47# I really do try, really do try Really do try
0:27:48 > 0:27:52# There's a million things that I could change
0:27:52 > 0:27:55# But maybe it's all right
0:27:55 > 0:27:59# Cos this is my life, this is my life, this is my life. #
0:28:02 > 0:28:03Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd