0:00:02 > 0:00:10This programme contains adult humour and some strong language.
0:00:22 > 0:00:24Can we have Chinese food tonight? Chinese food is fun.
0:00:24 > 0:00:26No, we're having pizza.
0:00:26 > 0:00:28I've planned pizza, so we're having pizza.
0:00:28 > 0:00:31- Can't change it now.- Well, you could, by not ordering pizza.
0:00:31 > 0:00:33We can have those slimy mushrooms.
0:00:33 > 0:00:34They look like dead slugs. I like them.
0:00:34 > 0:00:39No, Amber, I've got all the toppings planned already. We're having pizza.
0:00:39 > 0:00:41OK, but can we use chopsticks?
0:00:41 > 0:00:43Wait, wait. Everyone wait. There's a penny.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47I need to save up £600.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49As my nana used to say, if you look after the pennies,
0:00:49 > 0:00:51the pounds look after themselves.
0:00:51 > 0:00:52Oh, that's nice.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55So, if Holli saves a penny every day,
0:00:55 > 0:00:56she'll have £600 in, like...
0:00:56 > 0:00:59Roughly 164 years.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01My fucking nana. No wonder she's skint.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03- Why do you need to save up £600? - That's private.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05- Is it for a lawyer? - Is it for a pit bull?
0:01:05 > 0:01:08- It's for a secret. - Is it for a boob job?
0:01:08 > 0:01:10Seriously, that's your first guess?
0:01:10 > 0:01:12Have you ever looked at Holli's boobs?
0:01:12 > 0:01:15Well, I'm saving for a boob job. I've got a boob job jar.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17- How much you saved? - Hmm, about £7.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20That could pay for the pen.
0:01:20 > 0:01:21You know, the pen they use to draw on you
0:01:21 > 0:01:23before they start cutting you up.
0:01:24 > 0:01:27Come on, Holli, let's look for money under the vending machine.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29I found 50p under there once,
0:01:29 > 0:01:31but the next time, there was just a dead mouse
0:01:31 > 0:01:34and the time after that, there was a really smelly dead mouse.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37- Don't forget, pizza at mine tonight. - I'll be there.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40- What did you tell your parents? - After-school chess tournament.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43- And they really believe that? - Yes, they trust me.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45Especially now I've set up a fake Saz Kaur Facebook account
0:01:45 > 0:01:48and leaked them the password so they can secretly check up
0:01:48 > 0:01:49on all my fake activities.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51Can you help me take some fake pictures
0:01:51 > 0:01:52of me playing fake chess in the library?
0:02:02 > 0:02:04My mum and dad are going to love this one.
0:02:04 > 0:02:05Don't you feel bad?
0:02:05 > 0:02:09No. I'm making them so happy. Why would I feel bad?
0:02:09 > 0:02:12Oh, geez, that baby's destroying my jelly bonkers.
0:02:12 > 0:02:13Suck, suck, suck.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15I've got nipples like lumps of old chewing gum.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17Must be nice having a baby, though.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20Ah, she's wonderful, and I did the right thing passing on my genes.
0:02:20 > 0:02:25But I've also sacrificed what was once an extremely beautiful vagina.
0:02:25 > 0:02:26Haven't I, Viva?
0:02:26 > 0:02:28DOORBELL RINGS
0:02:28 > 0:02:31Thank God. She was just about to show it to you.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33Everyone round here's had to have a look.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35Mr Burton next door had one of his episodes.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39Rocky, what are you doing here? It's girls' night, remember?
0:02:39 > 0:02:42Hello, Viva. Your boyfriend's turned up unexpectedly.
0:02:42 > 0:02:43It's romantic.
0:02:43 > 0:02:44Yeah, it is romantic.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49- But it's still girls' night. - I need to talk to you.
0:02:50 > 0:02:51Sure.
0:02:54 > 0:02:58You know how I've got, like, an allergy to reading and writing
0:02:58 > 0:03:02and rubbers and rulers and exercise books and pens?
0:03:02 > 0:03:04I'm not sure it's a proper allergy.
0:03:04 > 0:03:08It is a proper allergy, Viva. I get a rash when I smell ink.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11Well, I realise what I need to do.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14It's so obvious. I've got to drop out of school.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16What?! But you're so close.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18Rocky, just...just get through your exams
0:03:18 > 0:03:20and then you'll never have to smell ink again.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23- Except when he's signing on. - I can't do it, Viva.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26I'm not some sort of A-star boffiny genius.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29And most of the information, I'm never going to use, innit?
0:03:29 > 0:03:32I mean, like, where's your gastrocnemius? No-one cares.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34Geez, Rocky, that was year eight.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37If you don't know where that is by now, you're basically screwed.
0:03:37 > 0:03:41So, if I did drop out, would you dump me?
0:03:42 > 0:03:44Would you?
0:03:44 > 0:03:45I need to know.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47I'm not saying that I'd dump you,
0:03:47 > 0:03:49but I really don't think you should rush into it.
0:03:49 > 0:03:50Right, I get it.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53I need qualifications to be going out with you.
0:03:53 > 0:03:58Well, sorry I'm not Professor Rocky from the University of..
0:04:00 > 0:04:04- ..of somewhere there's a university that's good.- Rocky...
0:04:04 > 0:04:05I'll see you at school.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07- Wait, let's talk.- Let him go.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10At the moment, our dough ball order divides perfectly between four.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12If he stays, we could have a dough-ball division dispute
0:04:12 > 0:04:14- on our hands. - Why can't he see how important it is
0:04:14 > 0:04:16just to stay motivated a little bit longer?
0:04:16 > 0:04:18Let him drop out. He'll probably fail anyway.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20- Rocky let us in.- He looked upset,
0:04:20 > 0:04:22- so we gave him three dough balls to cheer him up.- Three?!
0:04:22 > 0:04:24Everything's ruined.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26Can I see the baby, please, Miss Hitchcock?
0:04:26 > 0:04:27She's asleep, so, no.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30But, if you like, you can watch me express the baby's midnight feed.
0:04:31 > 0:04:35I can pump half a pint of full cream mummy milk in five minutes.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38- Hey, does anyone want to help me? - I'd love to, please, Miss Hitchcock.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41I'll do the right if you take the left.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51It's not like Brandon to disappear for this long.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53- You tried all his numbers? - And I've been round his house
0:04:53 > 0:04:56the last two nights, but it was all dark, cold and empty,
0:04:56 > 0:04:58like no-one was living there except spiders.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01And I'm thinking the only possible explanation
0:05:01 > 0:05:05is that him and his mum have gone into witness protection.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07Probably not the only explanation.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09If he was going into witness protection, he'd have told you.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11When people go into witness protection,
0:05:11 > 0:05:14they don't tell you cos you could go round and kill them.
0:05:14 > 0:05:15Why don't we all check it out after school?
0:05:15 > 0:05:18I'd have to be quick. I'm going to see Uncle Eddie.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20He's an old mate of my dad's.
0:05:20 > 0:05:21He might give me a job on his market stall
0:05:21 > 0:05:22so I can save up £600.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24I'll come too.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26But I have to make up something for my fake Facebook account.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29I'm thinking debating society sounds like fake Saz.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31I'm thinking fake Saz should be team captain.
0:05:33 > 0:05:34Rocky.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39You surprised me last night.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41That's me, always coming up with a new twist.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43I was really negative.
0:05:44 > 0:05:45I get it, that's cool.
0:05:45 > 0:05:49You're my boyfriend, Rocky, and I'll still love you whatever.
0:05:49 > 0:05:50Really?
0:05:50 > 0:05:52So, you're saying you'll still love me
0:05:52 > 0:05:55- even if I decide to drop out of school?- Course.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58Even if my only qualification is, like, BTEC PE?
0:05:58 > 0:06:00- Course.- Level 1?
0:06:00 > 0:06:02Level 1? You still haven't passed level 2?!
0:06:02 > 0:06:03What have you been doing?
0:06:05 > 0:06:09Yeah, yeah, basically, I'll still love you no matter what.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11Wow.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13No matter what? Right.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16- I've got to go.- Where? - And drop out of school.
0:06:16 > 0:06:20- But don't you even want to think about it for a bit?- Er, nah.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22Anyone want a pen?
0:06:23 > 0:06:27REPETITIVE KNOCKING
0:06:29 > 0:06:31What now?
0:06:32 > 0:06:35All their stuff is still there. But that's what happens
0:06:35 > 0:06:38- when you go into witness protection. - Yeah. Cos when Kenny Banks did,
0:06:38 > 0:06:41people went round his house and helped theirselves.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43My family got a toaster and a dog ornament.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45Then it turned out they had a last-minute deal to Ibiza,
0:06:45 > 0:06:48- so we had to give them back. - There's a smell in there.
0:06:48 > 0:06:49What like? Describe it.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52Sort of Brandon-ness-ness.
0:06:52 > 0:06:53Ah, that smell.
0:06:55 > 0:06:56There's a bit of post on the floor.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59Might be a clue, but I can't see what it is.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02I could put my phone in there, take pictures and get a close-up.
0:07:11 > 0:07:12AMBER SCREAMS
0:07:12 > 0:07:15It's his school photo, Amber. He's not in there.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18Well, I could put my phone a bit further in and turn it
0:07:18 > 0:07:20to see if I can see in Brandon's bedroom.
0:07:20 > 0:07:21See if he's taken his Xbox.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23Or if he's in there, dead.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29RINGTONE PLAYS
0:07:32 > 0:07:34- My phone.- Yeah, you dropped your phone.- My phone.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37- Don't worry, we'll get it back. - How? Trained hamster?
0:07:37 > 0:07:38I love that phone.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40Wait, I've got an idea.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42See hi-vis boy over there?
0:07:42 > 0:07:44I swear his grabber thing could get Amber's phone.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46- That's actually a good plan. - I'm going over.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48I'll go. I'm just a bit more user-friendly.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50I'm user-friendly, you cheeky fucking bitch.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04- All right?- He says he'll help us.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07- Hello.- Well, I'll give it a go.
0:08:07 > 0:08:11You get good at estimating achievable grabbing distance in this job.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13And I'd say that is too far in.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15Oh, please try. My phone is my life.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18My boyfriend's gone into witness protection and I really need toilet.
0:08:18 > 0:08:19She's under a lot of stress.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24No. I can't reach it.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27Could you let one of us try? We can get our arms in further than you.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30- Let me try.- The phone's too far in.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32- Want a bet? - I'd just be taking your money.
0:08:32 > 0:08:36It's a good...2cm beyond its AGD.
0:08:36 > 0:08:37Eh?
0:08:37 > 0:08:38Achievable grabbing distance.
0:08:39 > 0:08:40I think I can get it.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44Yes!
0:08:44 > 0:08:46SHE BANGS DOOR
0:08:46 > 0:08:48Oh.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50I've got my fucking arm stuck.
0:08:50 > 0:08:51I need the loo.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54Never mind your bladder, what about my arm and my interview and my £600?
0:08:54 > 0:08:58- I warned you it was beyond its AGD. - Eh?- Holli, what are you doing?
0:08:58 > 0:09:00Trying to head-butt this twat.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02Stop wriggling. You're making it worse.
0:09:02 > 0:09:03Uh, it's wedged so tight.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05Oh, stop pulling me!
0:09:05 > 0:09:07- I'm trying to help.- I need my phone.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09If blood supply to your hand gets cut off, gangrene will set in
0:09:09 > 0:09:11and your arm will be amputated.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13SHE GROANS AND BANGS Ha, you look stupid.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15- SHE GROANS - I know where you live,
0:09:15 > 0:09:16you little shitbag. Chase him, Amber.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18Viva, someone bring him here so I can hit him.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20Just looking at when septicaemia will set in.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22Shut up, you're not helping.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24I need to get to that interview! I need that job!
0:09:24 > 0:09:25- SHE GROANS - Why do you need £600, anyway?
0:09:25 > 0:09:28- Mind your business. I just need it. - I'm going to cry.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30- Shut up, Amber, it's not about you any more.- Shut up, it is about me.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33I'm the one who's phone's lost and who needs toilet!
0:09:33 > 0:09:35Both of you, shut up. You're behaving like animals!
0:09:35 > 0:09:37We're all tired and we're all upset
0:09:37 > 0:09:41and, basically, chips would help this situation.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44Chips would be nice.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46Saz, go to the cafe and get everyone some chips
0:09:46 > 0:09:47and once we've had chips,
0:09:47 > 0:09:49we'll be able to think straight and sort this out.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53I'm going to be so late to meet Eddie.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56- Is that your boyfriend?- Pff, no. - She doesn't have a boyfriend.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59No-one wants to be her boyfriend. She's completely available.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01Yeah, you're too far away there.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03Outside my achievable slapping distance.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05Oh, fuck.
0:10:09 > 0:10:10Debate update.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13Just giving my opponents a lethal injection of my arguments
0:10:13 > 0:10:15in favour of the death penalty.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17Fake Saz is quite witty.
0:10:19 > 0:10:20Hey, Rocky.
0:10:30 > 0:10:31SHE SCREAMS
0:10:32 > 0:10:34Hey, Saz.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40- DISTANT VIBRATING - My phone!
0:10:42 > 0:10:43- SHE WEEPS - It's crying for me.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46I miss its little noises.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49- My thumbs miss texting.- Chips.
0:10:53 > 0:10:57I've got big news. Massive news. Really very big massive news.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00Ooh, exciting. What is it?
0:11:00 > 0:11:03It's not the right time to tell you right now, but, ah, it's amazing.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08A bit more ketchup on the next one, please.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10Do you know what, Viva? We should call your dad.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12Firefighters know what to do with stuff like this.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14Nah, he hates when people get themselves stuck
0:11:14 > 0:11:16in places they shouldn't.
0:11:16 > 0:11:17It's the one thing that makes him angry.
0:11:17 > 0:11:21Says he spends half his life cutting tossers out of cat flaps.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23You sure that's a good idea, Amber?
0:11:25 > 0:11:27No, I'm not.
0:11:27 > 0:11:28It's made me need to wee even more.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31You know, it would help if we could lubricate your arm.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34- You're not lubricating my arm, pervert.- That would actually help.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36Let's see if we've got anything greasy in our bags that would work.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39- Like hand cream. - Can you put hand cream on arms?
0:11:39 > 0:11:41Is that even allowed?
0:11:41 > 0:11:43Hey, half a sandwich.
0:11:43 > 0:11:44I have nothing oily, sorry.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47Patrick, I wondered where you were.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49- SHE MUTTERS:- Some geography homework.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51That's weird. I dropped geography in year 11.
0:11:51 > 0:11:57My keys, chewing gum, sock, Brandon's spare keys, my lucky pen,
0:11:57 > 0:11:59my unlucky pen, my pen that's not lucky or unlucky.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01It's just a pen.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04- Amber...- My lucky shin pads, my unlucky shin pads.
0:12:04 > 0:12:05Amber!
0:12:05 > 0:12:07Brandon's spare keys.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09You've got Brandon's spare keys?
0:12:09 > 0:12:10Yeah, so...
0:12:11 > 0:12:13This means...
0:12:13 > 0:12:15O-M-G.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17SHE LAUGHS
0:12:17 > 0:12:22They were here the whole time. None of this needed to happen.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24SHE LAUGHS BREATHLESSLY
0:12:24 > 0:12:27- Hurry up, Saz.- It's tricky. There's loads of keys.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29SHE PANTS
0:12:29 > 0:12:31I'm having an accident! I can't stop!
0:12:33 > 0:12:34What the fuck?
0:12:36 > 0:12:39It's called giggle incontinence. It's a form of urge incontinence.
0:12:39 > 0:12:40Uh?
0:12:43 > 0:12:46Don't worry, Amber. I've got my tracksuit in my bag.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48You can get changed in Brandon's.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00Hello, baby. Mummy missed you. Mwah.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04Ah, the battery's dead. Stupid phone.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08I think I'll stick the kettle on.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11Hillary Schmeichel in Texas got her arm stuck in a letter box.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13They freed her with extra virgin olive oil.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15Is vegetable oil OK?
0:13:15 > 0:13:17- Who wants a snack?- Me. Me. What have they got?
0:13:17 > 0:13:19Is any fucker going to help me?
0:13:19 > 0:13:21Ha-ha, I'm putting this on YouTube.
0:13:21 > 0:13:22SHE GROANS
0:13:28 > 0:13:31- Uncle Eddie.- Hello, young lady.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33- Thought you weren't coming. - Sorry, Eddie, I got delayed.
0:13:33 > 0:13:37- You ever had a job on a market stall? - No.- Any selling at all?- No.
0:13:37 > 0:13:41- Any job dealing with customers?- No. - Any job at all?- No.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43- Have you got a driving licence?- No.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45- Are you good at getting up early on Saturdays?- Yeah.- Really?
0:13:45 > 0:13:47- No.- Holli, tell me,
0:13:47 > 0:13:49why should I employ you for this job and not someone else?
0:13:49 > 0:13:53Cos you know my Dad...and I'm really good at lifting.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55Right, lifting, that's good. That's better.
0:13:55 > 0:13:59Help me finish getting this clobber in the van. Put your jacket on there.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02- Er, now?- I want to see what sort of worker you are.
0:14:06 > 0:14:07What the...?
0:14:07 > 0:14:09Is that one of them avant-garde
0:14:09 > 0:14:11fashion statement arm jewellery affairs?
0:14:11 > 0:14:13- No, it's a letter box. - How did you do that, then?
0:14:13 > 0:14:15It wasn't my fault. I wasn't thieving nothing.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18You remind me of your dad. How is he?
0:14:18 > 0:14:21- He's banged up. - Yeah, I heard about that.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23Do you want me to help you get that off?
0:14:23 > 0:14:24Does it involve oil? Cos oil doesn't work.
0:14:24 > 0:14:28Nor does butter and nor does Lynx Dark Temptation shower gel.
0:14:28 > 0:14:29My arm's bare soft, though.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33How about these bastards?
0:14:36 > 0:14:40So, I was just sitting there updating fake Saz's Facebook
0:14:40 > 0:14:43and then in comes Rocky looking all...I don't know.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46Cute? Hot? Hench? Dench? Peng? Buff? Piff?
0:14:46 > 0:14:49Kind of excited and happy. I think he was skipping.
0:14:49 > 0:14:50I like skipping.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52Yeah, cos he's free. He's dropped out.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54So, he goes up to Chef and they're talking
0:14:54 > 0:14:56and then Chef's, like, slapping him on his back
0:14:56 > 0:14:58like he's congratulating him.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00Do you think he's got a job at the cafe?
0:15:00 > 0:15:02No, cos then Rocky gets something out of his pocket
0:15:02 > 0:15:03and he's showing it to Chef.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08- Viva, it was a diamond ring. - VIVA GASPS
0:15:08 > 0:15:10- He wants to marry you. - AMBER SCREAMS
0:15:10 > 0:15:12I can't marry him. We're 18.
0:15:12 > 0:15:16My mum and dad got married at 18. They got divorced eight years later.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18- What are you still doing here? - Oh, he's making us all snacks.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20Then two years later, they got married again.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23Saz, is this a wind up? Is he really going to propose? When?
0:15:23 > 0:15:24All I know is he's got a ring.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27- I can't believe it. - You would say no, though, right?
0:15:27 > 0:15:29I just wish I knew when all this was going to happen.
0:15:29 > 0:15:30I need to be ready.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32Then last year they got divorced again.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34It is good you overheard, though, Saz
0:15:34 > 0:15:36because now I can work out the perfect way to say no.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39But I'm pretty sure they shagged each other on Christmas Day
0:15:39 > 0:15:41when they were both a bit pissed and I was watching James Bond.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44CRASHING AND BOY SCREAMS
0:15:45 > 0:15:49That kid on the bike went by again and I hit him with this
0:15:49 > 0:15:51and I got the job.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53Yay! Come in. Hi-vis is making us cheese toasties.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56Oh, and Holli, what do you need the £600 for?
0:15:56 > 0:15:58Just tell me. I promise I won't tell anyone.
0:15:58 > 0:15:59It's private, Amber.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03- Are you getting a hot tub fitted? - No.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11They've left their plants, they've left their food.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14Who does that unless they've gone into witness protection?
0:16:14 > 0:16:16Or got a last-minute deal to Ibiza.
0:16:16 > 0:16:17He wouldn't go to Ibiza with his mum.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20Right, so, we search the flat, see if he's left his passport around,
0:16:20 > 0:16:23see if we can hack into his computer and look at his search history.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25This is a really nice toastie.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27Yeah, I spread the butter on the outside,
0:16:27 > 0:16:30but the key is to make sure I get the pan really hot before I put it in.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32Ooh, vodka and coke.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34The dream team.
0:16:34 > 0:16:38Sorry, Rocky, I do love you, but we're too young and...
0:16:38 > 0:16:39You're too thick.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49I had my first orgasm in this bed.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52That's when I realised Brandon was like some high-level wizard
0:16:52 > 0:16:53of oral sex.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55What does he do?
0:16:55 > 0:16:59I don't know, but it was so magical and beautiful.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02Sort of made me feel better about there being no unicorns or mermaids.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05Oh, so, you do finally accept that now?
0:17:05 > 0:17:08Yeah, and I realised orgasms are what grown-ups have
0:17:08 > 0:17:11instead of unicorns and magic and mermaids.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13O-M-G, I'm so wise.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16When did you have your first orgasm, Saz?
0:17:16 > 0:17:19- I don't want to say. - Oh, go on. I told you mine.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21Yeah, Amber told you hers.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24Well, I was about 14
0:17:24 > 0:17:28and I decided I needed to switch from sanitary towels to tampons.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30Was this after that trampolining incident
0:17:30 > 0:17:31where the towel flew out and hit someone?
0:17:31 > 0:17:33THEY LAUGH
0:17:33 > 0:17:34Yes, no need to bring that up.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37It was roughly when I got home that day that I decided
0:17:37 > 0:17:39I needed to switch to tampons.
0:17:39 > 0:17:40I prefer tampons.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43I didn't really know how to put a tampon in,
0:17:43 > 0:17:46so I just started gently stabbing it in the general area.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49Think I must have accidentally located my clitoris.
0:17:49 > 0:17:53It was really nice, so I just gently stabbed myself there
0:17:53 > 0:17:55for about ten more minutes and then I came.
0:17:55 > 0:17:56Oh, my God.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58AMBER LAUGHS
0:17:58 > 0:18:02After that, I changed my tampons quite a lot.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05- Your turn, Viva. - Yes, your turn, Viva.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07Go on, you've got to or it's not fair.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10I'm not sure if I've even ever had an orgasm.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14- You haven't, then. - Why?- You would know.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17- Maybe I've had really small ones.- No.
0:18:17 > 0:18:21So, what does it actually feel like?
0:18:21 > 0:18:27Well, to start with, imagine the inside of your you-know-what
0:18:27 > 0:18:29is like a mini wall of death.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31Imagine lots of tiny fairies
0:18:31 > 0:18:33are riding their motorbikes round and round
0:18:33 > 0:18:36going faster and faster and faster
0:18:36 > 0:18:39until, suddenly, everything stops for a moment.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42And then an enormous rainbow pours out
0:18:42 > 0:18:44and the fairies twinkle off into the sky.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46It's like that, but nicer.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48Wow.
0:18:48 > 0:18:49That's so...
0:18:50 > 0:18:52I can see why you want him to come back.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55But what happens to the motorbikes?
0:18:55 > 0:18:56I have definitely not had that feeling.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58Cos they'd crash when the fairies got off.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01- What about Rocky? - Oh, he has orgasms.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04No, we mean does he know he's failing you as a lover?
0:19:07 > 0:19:09I fake it. AMBER GASPS LOUDLY
0:19:09 > 0:19:11You've been faking orgasms with Rocky for a year?
0:19:11 > 0:19:13And you was trying to make me feel guilty
0:19:13 > 0:19:15about faking a couple of posts on Facebook?
0:19:15 > 0:19:17Are you going to mention the orgasm situation
0:19:17 > 0:19:19when you tell him you don't want to marry him?
0:19:19 > 0:19:21No! Course not!
0:19:21 > 0:19:24Maybe Brandon could give Rocky some of his oral sex wizard tips.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26I don't think that would go down too well.
0:19:26 > 0:19:30Bit like Rocky - doesn't go down too well.
0:19:30 > 0:19:34Just then, I got such a big whiff of Brandon's smell from this pillow.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37I just hope he's safe.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39That smell does make me feel better about everything.
0:19:39 > 0:19:40Maybe they are just on holiday.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42How come you're all in here with the vodka?
0:19:42 > 0:19:44Me and Hi-vis are getting thirsty in there.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46- We're just looking for clues. - Anything?
0:19:46 > 0:19:48VIVA & SAZ: NO.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50We should check out the rest of the flat.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01Their toothbrushes are still here. That's weird.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06- SHE SCREAMS - Mrs Taylor.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09- You?- Yeah, it's, uh, me.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12So sorry, can you tell me where Brandon is?
0:20:12 > 0:20:15You're in my house. Why are you in my house?
0:20:15 > 0:20:17Well, I was worried about Brandon. He's not been in touch for days
0:20:17 > 0:20:20and I've been round here and there's never anyone in
0:20:20 > 0:20:22and I thought something had happened to you and Brandon.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24Um, could you please just tell me where he is?
0:20:24 > 0:20:28I'm always in, you dopey fool. I work nights, Amber.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30I take two sleeping pills and I sleep all day.
0:20:30 > 0:20:33- You're a nurse, aren't you? - How do you know that?
0:20:34 > 0:20:36Who is this?
0:20:37 > 0:20:38Connor. My name's Connor.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41I used to be a medical student. I've seen you at the hospital.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44You used to be a medical student and now you're a road cleaner?
0:20:44 > 0:20:47What's happened there? Did you kill somebody by mistake?
0:20:47 > 0:20:49Excuse me, this isn't Piers Morgan's Life Stories.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51It's my bedroom, so would you please all...?
0:20:51 > 0:20:55Hang on. You been drinking my vodka?
0:20:55 > 0:20:57So, if you could just please tell us where Brandon is.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59What else you been into?
0:21:01 > 0:21:03My cheese, my oil, my butter.
0:21:03 > 0:21:04SHE GASPS
0:21:04 > 0:21:06My I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08My bread, my vodka, my coke?
0:21:08 > 0:21:11I've made a list, Mrs Taylor. We'll pay you back, of course.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13And my door. You basically killed my door.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16My door is just a piece of wood with a hole in it.
0:21:16 > 0:21:17Sorry.
0:21:17 > 0:21:21What even is this? I don't even recognise what it is.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23It's your letter box, Mrs Taylor.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25What am I supposed to do with this?
0:21:25 > 0:21:29Is there any chance you could give us a clue on where Brandon is?
0:21:29 > 0:21:30Come on, Amber, let's go.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32You know, you really shouldn't be taking
0:21:32 > 0:21:35two sleeping pills a day, Mrs Taylor.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37That would go against all medical advice.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40She didn't allow for the spin.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46- Back to mine? - Bye, then, Connor.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49- Thanks for helping us. - Can I see you again?
0:21:51 > 0:21:53Not all of you. Just Holli.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00Yeah. All right.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09GIRLS OOH AND WHISTLE
0:22:14 > 0:22:16What an incredibly weird evening.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18And we still don't know what happened to Brandon.
0:22:18 > 0:22:22- We should just tell her. - Tell me what?
0:22:24 > 0:22:27Babe, we did find something in Brandon's bedroom.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30"Hello, my name is Shantelle."
0:22:30 > 0:22:33What's this? Who is Shantelle?
0:22:33 > 0:22:37- We found it under Brandon's pillow. - In Brandon's bed?
0:22:37 > 0:22:41I bet it's Shantelle Campbell, works in that chicken place.
0:22:41 > 0:22:42Well, it makes sense.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44Lately, he's been smelling of chicken all the time.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47- What a bastard. - I bet he gets free chicken.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49That's it, then. It's over.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51He's done this to me for the last time.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54I'm going home to throw away everything he's ever touched.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57I'm not going to cry, I'm too angry. I feel nothing.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59My heart has turned to stone.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01SHE SOBS
0:23:01 > 0:23:02Don't forget to keep an eye out for pennies.
0:23:02 > 0:23:04- Holli?- What?
0:23:04 > 0:23:07It'll take her mind of the fact that Brandon's a two-timing shitbag.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10So many likes on fake Saz's chess victory
0:23:10 > 0:23:12and fake Saz's debating win from fake Saz's fake friends
0:23:12 > 0:23:14who have no idea who she is.
0:23:14 > 0:23:15Are you OK, Saz?
0:23:15 > 0:23:19Fake Saz is kind of epic. Sometimes, I wish fake Saz was real Saz.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21- I think fake Saz is an annoying twat. - Mmhm.
0:23:26 > 0:23:30120. 121. 122.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33123. 125.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37132. 133 pennies!
0:23:37 > 0:23:39- AMBER GASPS - Or one £1.33.
0:23:39 > 0:23:43- Oh.- This is it.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46- He's going to propose. - I'm going to film it.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49But she's going to say no. They'll both probably cry.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51She won't want to be reminded of that.
0:23:51 > 0:23:52I'm going to film it, anyway.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54Why does he keep looking out the window?
0:23:54 > 0:23:57- Who's that?- Some of the year eight football team I used to coach.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00Hey, why don't we get doughnuts? You love doughnuts.
0:24:00 > 0:24:01I'll get you a doughnut.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08What?
0:24:10 > 0:24:11Here you go.
0:24:14 > 0:24:18Viva, I asked you here today for a very special reason
0:24:18 > 0:24:21and there was supposed to be special music -
0:24:21 > 0:24:23the theme tune from The Lion King -
0:24:23 > 0:24:25but the chef dropped the CD in the deep-fat fryer.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33Are you going to eat that?
0:24:33 > 0:24:36There is a very special reason why I want you to eat that doughnut.
0:24:36 > 0:24:39A reason that's going to become clear any minute now.
0:24:39 > 0:24:40I'm not really that hungry.
0:24:40 > 0:24:45Viva, when we first met, I was a bit of a mess.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48Trying to be bad, but not very good at being bad.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50You turned my life around.
0:24:50 > 0:24:51Rocky, look.
0:24:52 > 0:24:56No! That wasn't supposed to happen.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01Rocky, are you trying to propose to me?
0:25:01 > 0:25:04Because, if you are, that's really lovely of you,
0:25:04 > 0:25:06but we're both so young still and...
0:25:06 > 0:25:09Wait, wait, don't say anything. Eat the doughnut first.
0:25:09 > 0:25:13- I feel a bit sick. - OK, no problem.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18Where's the ring?
0:25:18 > 0:25:21- There's no ring. - There was a ring in the doughnut?
0:25:21 > 0:25:23It's not there.
0:25:23 > 0:25:26Wow, this is the shittest proposal ever.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29Marriage is a big step, Rocky.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32I'm only 18. I'm just not really ready.
0:25:32 > 0:25:33That was my gran's ring.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37She'll kill me if I've lost the ring.
0:25:39 > 0:25:42There's no ring in the doughnut. You gave me the wrong doughnut.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13- It was in your doughnut. - You've got the ring.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15OK. OK, that's good.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20Don't marry me, Viva. I'm such a wanker.
0:26:20 > 0:26:22Oh, Rocky, it was beautiful.
0:26:22 > 0:26:23Everything you did.
0:26:23 > 0:26:27It all went wrong. Every single thing.
0:26:27 > 0:26:31I'm just a big, dumb idiot. Whatever you do, don't say yes.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33You're the kindest person I've ever met.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37And I love you.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39SOMETHING POPS
0:26:39 > 0:26:41That was the balloon with 'I love you' printed on it
0:26:41 > 0:26:43that I was going to give you after you said yes,
0:26:43 > 0:26:46but you aren't going to say yes, are you?
0:26:47 > 0:26:48I am going to say yes.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50Yes? She said yes?
0:26:53 > 0:26:54What the fuck?
0:26:54 > 0:26:57THEY CHEER
0:26:59 > 0:27:02# People keep saying that I'm doing it wrong
0:27:02 > 0:27:05# But I say it feels all right
0:27:05 > 0:27:09# I really do try, really do try, really do try
0:27:10 > 0:27:13# There's a million things that I can't change
0:27:13 > 0:27:16# But maybe it's all right
0:27:16 > 0:27:19# This is my life, this is my life, this is my life
0:27:19 > 0:27:22# People keep saying that I'm doing it wrong. #