0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains strong language
0:00:10 > 0:00:13# There's a million things that I can't change
0:00:13 > 0:00:16# But maybe it's all right
0:00:16 > 0:00:20# This is my life, this is my life, this is my life. #
0:00:20 > 0:00:22- BABY GURGLES - 'So then Baby Bear says,
0:00:22 > 0:00:25' "Blud, someone's been chilling in my chair
0:00:25 > 0:00:28- ' "and he's still chilling there!" ' - BABY GURGLES
0:00:30 > 0:00:34- Yes! My evil plan is working. - What evil plan?
0:00:34 > 0:00:37I'm synchronising Bean's nap with you coming home from school at 4.30,
0:00:37 > 0:00:40so 4.30 can be our special "doing it" time.
0:00:40 > 0:00:41I like your thinking.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44- Average afternoon nap is 27 minutes. - Might be able to do it twice.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46- I like your thinking. - Maybe even three times.
0:00:46 > 0:00:50- Ambitious...but doable.- Come on.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53- BABY CRIES - Oh, no! Is she waking up?
0:00:53 > 0:00:56No, we're good. That's her going to sleep noise.
0:00:56 > 0:01:01- Her waking up noise is more like... - HE MIMICS BABY WAILING
0:01:01 > 0:01:04- Can you really tell the difference? - Yeah! I know all her sounds.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07There's... Umm! Umm! Umm!
0:01:07 > 0:01:08That's, "Pick me up."
0:01:08 > 0:01:11- There's... - HE MIMICS BABY WAILING
0:01:11 > 0:01:12That's, "Give me food."
0:01:12 > 0:01:15It's amazing! You speak fluent...baby.
0:01:15 > 0:01:18There's... Ugg! Ugg! Ugg! That's, "Look at me bouncing."
0:01:18 > 0:01:21- That's my favourite. Apart from... - HE SIGHS DEEPLY
0:01:21 > 0:01:24- What's that?!- That's you at 4.30.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26- DOOR OPENS - Come on.- I'm home.
0:01:26 > 0:01:27Oh, well.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29Hi, Dad.
0:01:29 > 0:01:33So...when are we going to tell your dad about us getting married?
0:01:33 > 0:01:36- Let's tell him now.- We can't tell him now, he'll freak out!
0:01:36 > 0:01:38- Freak out? Me, why?- No reason.
0:01:38 > 0:01:43- What's going on?- Come on, Viva, it'll be fine. Trust me.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45- I'm not sure.- Don't you trust me?
0:01:45 > 0:01:48Remember, I was right about banana pizza, wasn't I?
0:01:48 > 0:01:50This is different.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53We have to tell him now.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56- Look, if he's going to hurt anyone, it's going to be me.- True.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59If I'm going to hurt anyone, it's more likely to be him.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01Especially if this is what I think it is.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06- BOTH: No!- No, I'm not pregnant, Dad.
0:02:10 > 0:02:16No, it's...it's just that me and Rocky have decided to get...engaged.
0:02:18 > 0:02:22Wow! That's...fantastic news!
0:02:22 > 0:02:25- You're pleased?- Well, yeah. I mean...Rocky's kind, he's good.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28What more could I ask for in a son-in-law?
0:02:28 > 0:02:33Plus, I thought you were pregnant, so...it's kind of a relief.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37Thanks, Rob. I'm going to make your daughter very happy.
0:02:37 > 0:02:38I know.
0:02:40 > 0:02:41- Every day at 4.30.- Sh!
0:02:41 > 0:02:44Thanks for being so supportive, Dad.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46No problem. I'll get Bean.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49ROB LAUGHS
0:02:49 > 0:02:52Mmm! Congratulations.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54There.
0:02:56 > 0:02:57Congratulations?!
0:02:57 > 0:03:00- He was so laidback! He was- too- laidback.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02BABY WAILS
0:03:02 > 0:03:05Uh-oh. That's, "I've done a massive crap."
0:03:21 > 0:03:23- I like your fringe. - You like my fringe?
0:03:23 > 0:03:25That's a weird thing to have a meeting about.
0:03:25 > 0:03:29Don't be dumb, Saz. That isn't what the meeting's about.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31Why would Holli and Amber be here if it was about your fringe?
0:03:31 > 0:03:33No, the meeting's about maths.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35As you may know, Holli and Amber
0:03:35 > 0:03:38will soon be re-taking their Maths GCSE...again.
0:03:38 > 0:03:42- What about it?- I've chosen you, Saz, out of the entire school,
0:03:42 > 0:03:44to be my number one choice in helping them get through it.
0:03:44 > 0:03:48- Isn't that the job of their teacher? - Miss Bailey? That dopey little imbecile?
0:03:48 > 0:03:51- She couldn't help water get through a sieve.- True dat.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53So, I'm asking you, Saz, as their friend
0:03:53 > 0:03:56and as a member of the Greenshoots community, will you help them?
0:03:56 > 0:03:59- No.- Is that the end of the meeting?
0:03:59 > 0:04:03Sit down, Holli! So, what if I called your parents, Saz,
0:04:03 > 0:04:06and explained that when you told them you were orienteering,
0:04:06 > 0:04:08you were, in fact, at a music festival with 30,000 men?
0:04:08 > 0:04:11And still not one who wanted to shag her.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13You wouldn't do that. You're not allowed to do that.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16- You can't do that. - You'll help? Ah, that's great...
0:04:16 > 0:04:18And I want a promise from you two that you'll work hard.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21Yes, miss. It's really nice that you care about our maths.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24Basically, Amber, Greenshoots is sliding down the school league table
0:04:24 > 0:04:26faster than a sheep falling off a cliff.
0:04:26 > 0:04:30And I've pushed a sheep off a cliff, so I know how fast that is.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33And it's my job to push the fudging sheep back up the cliff.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36- What sheep?- She's saying she doesn't actually care about your maths,
0:04:36 > 0:04:38she's just doing her job.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41Oh! But is there a sheep? PHONE BEEPS
0:04:41 > 0:04:43Holli Vavasour, give me that phone.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48"Can't stop thinking about...fudging you."
0:04:48 > 0:04:49From Tonka.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51Fucking...not fudging.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54Thanks, Holli. Now that I'm a mother,
0:04:54 > 0:04:57I don't use swear words any more, I prefer baby friendly alternatives.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59PHONE BUZZES That's her other phone.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02Probably her other boyfriend. He likes fudging her as well.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05- You see why I don't want to tutor them?- Yes, I do,
0:05:05 > 0:05:07but you won't have to do this alone, Saz -
0:05:07 > 0:05:08I'm going to get you some help.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16Viva? Hi, it's Mummy Anna.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19I do that to freak her out.
0:05:19 > 0:05:20Yeah, it has.
0:05:20 > 0:05:24You're volunteering to help Saz tutor Holli and Amber in maths.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26Yep, Viva's helping you.
0:05:29 > 0:05:30Guess who I saw yesterday?
0:05:30 > 0:05:32Sophie Sutton, used to go Greenshoots.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35I remember her. Wanted to stay a virgin for Jesus.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38Yeah. She's got three kids by three different dads now.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41Three? Fuck! Jesus would not be happy.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43They're all so cute, all different colours.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45There's a little mixed race one who looks like Brandon
0:05:45 > 0:05:47and what our baby would look...
0:05:47 > 0:05:49Amber, it's over. He's banging Shantelle.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52I don't care about him. I don't care about Shantelle. I just want a baby.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54- You'll have a baby one day, Amber. - I want a baby now.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57Be easier when you've found someone to provide the sperm.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59I don't want a man, I just really want a baby.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01- Can't you just get another pet? - I've had every pet.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04Goldfish, hamster, cat, dog,
0:06:04 > 0:06:06turtle that turned out to be a tortoise.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08Do you know that if you put a tortoise in water, it dies?
0:06:08 > 0:06:11Yeah, I remember that very clearly.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14We keep the spare car keys in its shell to remind us.
0:06:14 > 0:06:18- So it didn't die in vain.- Oh, I bet his tortoise soul loves that.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20I'm ready for a human baby now.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22To love and to love me back
0:06:22 > 0:06:24and to dress in little hats and to do this to.
0:06:24 > 0:06:25SHE COOS
0:06:25 > 0:06:29Ow! Please, don't ever do that to a real baby!
0:06:29 > 0:06:30SAZ LAUGHS
0:06:35 > 0:06:37Rocky, it's 4.30!
0:06:40 > 0:06:44- BABY CRIES - 'Yeah, I'm sorry we lost Froggie,
0:06:44 > 0:06:46'but Squeaky Pig likes nap time, too.'
0:06:49 > 0:06:52Hey. It's 4.30.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55Bean's asleep. So busy today.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57She's really trying to pull herself up to walk.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59I filmed her on my phone.
0:06:59 > 0:07:03- BEAN LAUGHS - Cute. Let's go to the bedroom.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06Right, just need a minute to chill.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09- Why?- Really...exhausting morning.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12We dropped her Froggie somewhere between here and Baby Club,
0:07:12 > 0:07:15- then spent three hours looking for it.- Well, she's got loads of toys.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18It was her favourite frog, Viva. She was crying for an hour.
0:07:18 > 0:07:22- OK, well, it's gone 4.30. - Oh! What you doing?
0:07:22 > 0:07:26- Just taking off your clothes. - Right, it's just that...
0:07:26 > 0:07:30- I'm so tired. - Rocky! What about us doing it?
0:07:30 > 0:07:34Look, I still fancy you, I'm just...tired.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36Oh, my God! Too tired for sex?
0:07:38 > 0:07:40I didn't think this would happen
0:07:40 > 0:07:42till we were middle-aged people of...37.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47Where's Viva? I thought she was helping you?
0:07:47 > 0:07:49I told her not to worry. I've got this.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52So we're going to kick off with a quick test
0:07:52 > 0:07:53to find out how much you know.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55Don't worry, I'm assuming it's nothing.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57I think you're going to find out we know a lot more
0:07:57 > 0:07:58than you think we know, Saz.
0:07:58 > 0:08:02- We're going to start with geometry. - I thought we were doing maths.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04It is maths, Amber. Get out your equipment.
0:08:06 > 0:08:07Your maths equipment.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10No-one told us to bring maths equipment.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12I just automatically assumed you'd know.
0:08:12 > 0:08:16But then I realised that was dumb, so I went out and bought you some new stuff with my own money.
0:08:16 > 0:08:20I know, I'm awesome. Don't worry, it's fine.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23- PHONE BEEPS - Hang on. Hang on.
0:08:24 > 0:08:28- I just need to check this.- Leave it. - I can't leave it.- She can't, Connor's her main man.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30- He wants us to go cinema. - That sounds fun.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33Some shit-sounding romcom, Nappy Ever After.
0:08:33 > 0:08:34That sounds amazing! Can I come?
0:08:34 > 0:08:36No, cos we won't be watching,
0:08:36 > 0:08:39we'll be trying to have sex at the back behind the seats.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42- I don't care, I just want to see the film.- Can't you have sex at home?
0:08:42 > 0:08:44There's more people at my house than at the cinema.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46Me and Brandon had that problem, but we worked out
0:08:46 > 0:08:49if you hold down floors two, three and seven of the lift at Northside,
0:08:49 > 0:08:52it jams the lift long enough to...you know.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54- Have a loving intimate encounter? - Exactly.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57Watched only by all the security staff on the security monitors,
0:08:57 > 0:09:00all their friends and anyone prepared to put their card details
0:09:00 > 0:09:02into shagginginlifts.com.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04So you're saying I could be famous?!
0:09:04 > 0:09:06PHONE BEEPS
0:09:06 > 0:09:08Can we get back to the subject of maths now, please?
0:09:08 > 0:09:10Ever done it in the toilets at TK Maxx?
0:09:10 > 0:09:12What's the point of me trying to help you
0:09:12 > 0:09:13if you won't focus on maths?
0:09:13 > 0:09:15- It's like you don't care at all. - I don't care.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18Mr Jefferies is helping me get on a scaffolding apprenticeship,
0:09:18 > 0:09:20so why should I bother?
0:09:20 > 0:09:23I would care more if there was a real sheep.
0:09:23 > 0:09:27I remember these! And you got us the tiny swords.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30Compasses. Who knows what those are for?
0:09:30 > 0:09:32- Tiny sword fights, obviously. - Obviously.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36Can one of you just stab me to death, please?
0:09:44 > 0:09:47I've got all the application forms for doing a part-time childcare course next year.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50So you're really serious about this nannying thing?
0:09:50 > 0:09:54I thought you might get bored soon and go back to your PE teacher idea.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57No, this is what I really want to do with my life.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00This is what you really, really want?
0:10:00 > 0:10:02I haven't really wanted anything this much
0:10:02 > 0:10:04since you was going out with Tyler Blaine
0:10:04 > 0:10:08and I really wanted him to get run over and die a horrible death
0:10:08 > 0:10:09with his head smashed all over the road.
0:10:09 > 0:10:13- Aw!- We've got to build a society of good people.
0:10:13 > 0:10:17We've got to end the wars, the hate, the hurt.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23Right, but can't you do that by being a PE teacher?
0:10:23 > 0:10:25Each baby is a building block.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28I'm going to help create excellent babies
0:10:28 > 0:10:31and build an excellent society for the future of the planet.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34You do realise this planet has seven billion people?
0:10:34 > 0:10:37One baby at a time, that's how I'm going to do this, Viva.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39One baby at a time.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42I wrote up my notes on Bean's day for you.
0:10:42 > 0:10:46- Ah, thank you, Rocky. - I'll see you tomorrow.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49I've read his notes. She said "Gah" quite a lot
0:10:49 > 0:10:52- and she really doesn't like carrot mash.- No, no spoilers!
0:10:52 > 0:10:55This is great? He really loves his work, doesn't he?
0:10:55 > 0:10:58I know what you're doing, Dad. I know exactly what's going on here.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01- What? - It's classic reverse psychology.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04You act like you're all delighted that I'm getting engaged to Rocky,
0:11:04 > 0:11:06because you think that I'll want to do the opposite.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08No, I'm genuinely happy for you.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11I thought you'd at least be wanting me to marry someone who's a graduate
0:11:11 > 0:11:13or someone with a vocational qualification
0:11:13 > 0:11:15and the ability to support a family.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18Rocky is Bean's nanny, that's the most important job going.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20Right, like you believe that.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22You can't manipulate me, Dad.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25Don't forget, I study psychology.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27I just want you to make your own decisions, like I've always done.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29You know, I got engaged at 18.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32When that all ended, I got engaged again at 22.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35And then when I was 25, I met your mum.
0:11:35 > 0:11:39Your life's been a total car crash. Three marriages.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42- You want to get engaged, it's up to you.- Hang on, three marriages?
0:11:42 > 0:11:45- You told me two. - Yeah, I sometimes forget Sue.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48Bull-sugar, Rob. Like fudge you can forget a whole wife.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50Well, she was quite bland.
0:11:50 > 0:11:54If we could bring this back to me and Rocky for a moment please, Dad.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57No, we can't! Because me and that ducksucker father of yours
0:11:57 > 0:12:01are going to be tracing his entire marital history in detail.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03And I'm warning you, you son of a buskett,
0:12:03 > 0:12:05I want to see all the documents.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15There. Line up your pens, she'll love that.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21Quick, here she comes.
0:12:21 > 0:12:25- Good pen arrangement.- Told you.
0:12:25 > 0:12:26SAZ SIGHS
0:12:26 > 0:12:29So, this lesson's going to be different.
0:12:29 > 0:12:30No compass fights, no texting,
0:12:30 > 0:12:32no faking a seizure and pretending to die.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35I can't help getting texts. These men are crazy for me.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37I'm confiscating your phones. Hand them over.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40- I'll put them on silent. - Hand them over or I walk.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44- Do you want my phone? - Yes, please, Amber.
0:12:44 > 0:12:48Right...no distractions, let's talk fractions.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50AMBER LAUGHS You did a rhyme.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52No distractions, let's talk fractions,
0:12:52 > 0:12:55even worse than adding and subtractions!
0:12:56 > 0:12:59Sorry. Brandon used to get really angry with me for rapping,
0:12:59 > 0:13:02but since we're split up, I thought I was free to rap.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05I guess not. DOOR OPENS
0:13:07 > 0:13:08Oh, my God!
0:13:08 > 0:13:10Those people have left their baby.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12- Hey!- It's OK. It's not their baby.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14- It's my baby!- What?!
0:13:14 > 0:13:16She's borrowed one of Sophie's babies.
0:13:16 > 0:13:17Meet Shalimar! She's six weeks old.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20- You're kidding me?!- Cos I told her how much I wanted a baby
0:13:20 > 0:13:23and she said I could practise with hers any time I like.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25Don't worry, Saz, Shalimar's really quiet. She'll be...
0:13:25 > 0:13:28- BABY WAILS - No trouble.
0:13:28 > 0:13:29BABY WAILS
0:13:43 > 0:13:45She's even cute when she's crying.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47This is impossible!
0:13:47 > 0:13:49Sh. She's settling down now. Look.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51Aw, I love her tiny fingers.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53I know! Do you like her, Holli?
0:13:53 > 0:13:55- She's all right. - Look, smell her head.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00No! I don't want to smell her head.
0:14:00 > 0:14:03- Or any part of her.- You're mean! - That is mean, Saz.
0:14:03 > 0:14:04You two are saying I'm mean?!
0:14:04 > 0:14:08- It wouldn't hurt you to smell her head.- I'm trying to help you.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10Calm down, Saz, you'll upset Shalimar.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12I don't care about Shalimar.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14I just want to help you with your maths.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17Wait. How come you've got your phones?
0:14:17 > 0:14:20- Had to do a bit of urgent texting. - How are you even doing that?
0:14:20 > 0:14:23Trained myself. I'm completely ambi-texterous.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25- The word's ambidextrous. - No, she's invented a word.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28You can't just go round inventing words, it's illegal.
0:14:28 > 0:14:29They have to start somewhere, Saz.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32- So you just took the phones out of my bag?- Yep.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35- That's it, I've had enough. I'm resigning.- Resigning?
0:14:35 > 0:14:37From being her maths tutor. No-one listens to me!
0:14:37 > 0:14:40No-one values my time! No-one cares about maths!
0:14:40 > 0:14:42And Holli's got two boyfriends and I haven't even got one!
0:14:42 > 0:14:44- Saz, wait... - No!
0:14:46 > 0:14:48The two boyfriend thing is a bit greedy.
0:14:58 > 0:14:59Want to go and get chips?
0:14:59 > 0:15:02- I'm just...just working.- What on?
0:15:02 > 0:15:04What you looking up nannies' wages for?
0:15:04 > 0:15:07Rocky's decided that he wants to be a nanny as a career
0:15:07 > 0:15:10and I'm just...interested in his earning potential.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12Shouldn't you two be revising for your mock?
0:15:12 > 0:15:14We've done our mock, we're having a rest.
0:15:14 > 0:15:15You'd break off the engagement
0:15:15 > 0:15:17- cos he's not going to be rich enough?- No!
0:15:17 > 0:15:19That would be really shallow.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22- I'm really shallow. I only like people with dimples.- You like us.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24I make an exception for people I've known a long time,
0:15:24 > 0:15:27before my dimple rule came in.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29- Hey.- I'd break it off if I was you.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32- You only got engaged to him out of pity.- Not true.
0:15:32 > 0:15:33Come on, you was going to say "No"
0:15:33 > 0:15:35till he looked like he was going to cry.
0:15:35 > 0:15:39- No, I realised how much I love him. - Feeling sorry for someone isn't a good basis for a marriage.
0:15:39 > 0:15:43Oh, relationship advice from Holli Vavasour, the expert on boys.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45How are your two boyfriends, Holli?
0:15:45 > 0:15:47Enjoying being lied to and cheated on?
0:15:47 > 0:15:50They seem to be loving it if this text is anything to go by.
0:15:50 > 0:15:51Oh!
0:15:51 > 0:15:53That's dirty!
0:15:53 > 0:15:55Really dirty!
0:15:55 > 0:15:57You really did that?
0:15:57 > 0:15:59Yep, behind the back row of screen two,
0:15:59 > 0:16:01just as Keira Knightley discovered that R-Patz
0:16:01 > 0:16:03was a millionaire businessman and not a one-legged tramp.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06- So...how did your mock go? - We haven't found out yet.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09- Bet it went shit.- Saz! - What?! I'm pissed off!
0:16:09 > 0:16:12Don't you two realise there are girls in other countries
0:16:12 > 0:16:15prepared to get their heads half blown off for the chance to be educated?
0:16:15 > 0:16:17Totally wasted on you.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20Bet you can't think of a single thing you've learned, can you?
0:16:21 > 0:16:23Thought not.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26I'm sure you can think of lots of things.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33OK, I'm going to go, too. See you guys later.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38I know. Red blood cells are the only cells in the human body
0:16:38 > 0:16:40without a nucleus!
0:16:40 > 0:16:41I knew I learned something!
0:16:41 > 0:16:43You could be a doctor.
0:16:43 > 0:16:44I fucking hate ill people.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55GIRL SOBS
0:16:55 > 0:16:58SOBBING CONTINUES
0:17:00 > 0:17:02Amber, is that you?
0:17:02 > 0:17:04Go away!
0:17:07 > 0:17:08SOBBING CONTINUES
0:17:10 > 0:17:12- What's the matter?- Nothing.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14- Come out.- No!
0:17:22 > 0:17:24I've got a mint Kit-Kat you can have.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26LATCH OPENS
0:17:30 > 0:17:33We got our scores back from Bitchcock.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36She yelled at us for 23 minutes.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38She only stopped because her voice went croaky.
0:17:38 > 0:17:42- GIRL SOBS - Who's that?- Holli.
0:17:42 > 0:17:47Crying? Holli...crying?!
0:17:47 > 0:17:49Bitchcock broke Holli.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53Holli, are you all right?
0:17:53 > 0:17:54Fuck off, you horrible cow!
0:17:54 > 0:17:56I don't think she fully broke Holli.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58I'm not crying cos of Bitchcock.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00Wasn't you? I was.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02Why was you crying, then?
0:18:02 > 0:18:04This came.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08- Prison paper!- It's from her dad.
0:18:08 > 0:18:09His writing is so squiggly.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12"Dear, Holli. I can't wait to be with my family again.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15"I'm so proud of you Holli for everything you've done,
0:18:15 > 0:18:16"especially helping Mum
0:18:16 > 0:18:19"and especially staying on at school to get some..."
0:18:19 > 0:18:22I think that word's supposed to be "qualifications".
0:18:22 > 0:18:26"Love you always and see you soon, clever girl. From your dad."
0:18:26 > 0:18:28Oh, my God!
0:18:28 > 0:18:31I know, it's like he's never heard of commas and full stops.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34- HOLLI SOBS - I really wanted to make him proud.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36He will be proud.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38You'll be the only girl scaffolder in the world.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40LATCH OPENS
0:18:40 > 0:18:44I think there's one in Leeds...
0:18:44 > 0:18:47- Saz, I really want to pass my maths now.- So do I!
0:18:47 > 0:18:51It looks like, this time, you really would take it seriously.
0:18:51 > 0:18:52We would.
0:18:52 > 0:18:53We really would.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56Pity we'll never find out because I'm not helping you -
0:18:56 > 0:18:57you mucked around too much last time.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10So...4.30. Bean's asleep,
0:19:10 > 0:19:12Jamie's at band practice and I'm all yours.
0:19:12 > 0:19:16- We need to talk.- Oh, sounds bad. - What's all this on the floor?
0:19:16 > 0:19:18I done a trail of rose petals to the bedroom.
0:19:18 > 0:19:22- That's really cute.- I know, and a little bit sexy, right?
0:19:22 > 0:19:23But we still need to talk.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31I love you...but I'm worried about the future
0:19:31 > 0:19:33- and I don't want you to be a- nanny. What?!
0:19:33 > 0:19:37I mean long-term. I don't want you to be a nanny.
0:19:37 > 0:19:41Viva, everything will work out so long as we love each other.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43Please stop quoting my dad. My dad's an idiot.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45My dad screwed up so many times.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48No, I can't let you talk about Rob like that.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50DOORBELL
0:19:51 > 0:19:54- Surprise!- Amber.
0:19:54 > 0:19:57Sophie's letting me borrow all three now. Aren't they lovely?
0:19:57 > 0:20:00If she had a ginger one, she'd have one of every race.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03Amber, ginger people aren't a race.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06Um, can we come in? Sophie asked me to look after them
0:20:06 > 0:20:09while she gets some Islamic symbols hennaed onto her arms.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11Rocky's here so...
0:20:12 > 0:20:14Yeah, sure, come in.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20Hi, Rocky. What's all this on the floor?
0:20:20 > 0:20:22I done a trail of rose petals to the bedroom.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24Ah, that is cute!
0:20:24 > 0:20:26- And a little bit sexy.- I know.
0:20:27 > 0:20:31- Where's he going?- Oh, he's following the trail of flowers.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39Luca, no! You can't eat the flowers
0:20:39 > 0:20:41No!
0:20:41 > 0:20:45Well, too late. Luca, no, not in there!
0:20:45 > 0:20:47That's the baby's. BABY WAILS
0:20:47 > 0:20:50- Oh, well, too late. - I'd better go and get Bean.
0:20:50 > 0:20:54Is this really your life's ambition? Herding babies all day?
0:20:54 > 0:20:58I'm not herding babies, I'm herding...future citizens.
0:21:03 > 0:21:04BABY CRIES
0:21:04 > 0:21:07Rocky? Another future citizen has woken up.
0:21:14 > 0:21:15SHE GROWLS
0:21:25 > 0:21:27I expected the guys to think me being a nanny was a big joke, not you.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29I don't think it's a joke!
0:21:29 > 0:21:31When I think about us trying to live off your teeny-weeny earnings,
0:21:31 > 0:21:33I actually get tears in my eyes.
0:21:33 > 0:21:34So this is about expensive gear,
0:21:34 > 0:21:37cos I won't be able to afford to get you designer handbags.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40You won't even be able to afford to get me designer fish fingers.
0:21:40 > 0:21:41I never knew you was so stuck up!
0:21:41 > 0:21:43I just want you to have a bit of ambition, Rocky!
0:21:43 > 0:21:45And not throw yourself away on being a nanny.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48You know what? if I'm not good enough for you,
0:21:48 > 0:21:49why don't you just dump me? Again.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51Yeah, we're going to go.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53I don't want to dump you, I just wish you never dropped out.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56- You said you didn't mind! - I didn't think you'd actually do it!
0:21:56 > 0:21:57We've had a lovely day. Come on, Luca.
0:21:57 > 0:22:01- You could've been anything that you wanted.- Viva, this is what I want.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04Being with you, looking after Bean!
0:22:04 > 0:22:06BIRDSONG
0:22:06 > 0:22:10You're the one who keeps bringing it up! Maybe you want me to dump you.
0:22:10 > 0:22:13- No.- I do psychology, I know this stuff.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16Yeah, on paper. In real life, you're dumber than me!
0:22:16 > 0:22:17BABY LAUGHS
0:22:18 > 0:22:20BABY LAUGHS
0:22:22 > 0:22:24Where's Bean?
0:22:24 > 0:22:25BABY GURGLES
0:22:27 > 0:22:28BABY CRIES
0:22:33 > 0:22:35LINE RINGS
0:22:35 > 0:22:37It's ringing.
0:22:37 > 0:22:38PHONE RINGS
0:22:40 > 0:22:42Hello, Amber's phone, Saz speaking.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44Saz, are you with Amber?
0:22:44 > 0:22:46- I'm at the bus stop.- Where's Amber? - I don't know.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48How come you've got Amber's phone?
0:22:48 > 0:22:50I've had it since the other day in the cafe,
0:22:50 > 0:22:52I keep forgetting to give it back.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55- Hello? - LINE DROPS
0:22:55 > 0:22:57- Hello?- Amber hasn't got her phone.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59So we put Tallulah in Bean's buggy
0:22:59 > 0:23:01and head straight out and look for Amber.
0:23:01 > 0:23:04I'm really scared, Rocky. I don't even know where Sophie lives.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07- It's OK. She's with Amber. - Why do you think I'm so scared?!
0:23:07 > 0:23:10- DOOR OPENS - What a day!
0:23:10 > 0:23:14Turns out Mr Bartlett's been fudging Miss Dickens, Miss McIntosh
0:23:14 > 0:23:15- and- Mr Clover.
0:23:15 > 0:23:19I'm the only core team member he hasn't been fudging
0:23:19 > 0:23:21I mean, I don't want him to fudge me,
0:23:21 > 0:23:23but he's never even tried.
0:23:23 > 0:23:27Me and Rocky thought we'd take Bean for a walk, give you a break.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29I want a cuddle with my baby girl.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31Why don't you put your feet up. Get you a glass of wine?
0:23:31 > 0:23:34- Good idea...but have a cuddle first. - I'll give you a cuddle.
0:23:34 > 0:23:35Rocky, give me my baby.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39- Who the fuck is this fucker? - Anna...
0:23:39 > 0:23:42What the fuck's going on?! Where the fuck's my baby?!
0:23:42 > 0:23:46- There was a mix-up. Amber visited. - Where's my baby?!
0:23:46 > 0:23:49Bean's safe. She's with Amber. Amber got the babies muddled up.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52Get rid of this one! Take it out and bring my one back now!
0:23:52 > 0:23:53Sorry, Anna.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55And when you come back, you're fucking fired,
0:23:55 > 0:23:56you dumb fucking fucktard!
0:23:56 > 0:23:59So you must be pleased that Rocky got fired?
0:23:59 > 0:24:02Of course I'm not pleased, it's really bad.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05He did the lip wobble thing that makes my chest hurt.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07Yeah, but you didn't want him to be a nanny and now he's not.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09I know, but I didn't want him to get fired.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11It wasn't even his fault.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13Whose fault was it?
0:24:13 > 0:24:15Yours.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17AMBER LAUGHS No...really?
0:24:17 > 0:24:20- Yours.- Hmm, not really.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22All right? Me and Saz had a chat yesterday.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25- Saz says she'll tutor us in maths.- Really?
0:24:25 > 0:24:29- What made you change your mind. - I believe now that they'd work hard.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31Also I worked out a way to make it really fun.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34For me, obviously, not them.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37- BOTH:- Five times three is 15.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39Six times three is 18.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41Seven times three is 21.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43- Eight times three is... - BOTH MUMBLE
0:24:44 > 0:24:48- 25?- 25?
0:24:48 > 0:24:50- How dare you say 25!- 24?
0:24:50 > 0:24:52Hands out.
0:24:54 > 0:24:5624! No more mistakes!
0:24:56 > 0:24:59Sit up straight. Straight!
0:24:59 > 0:25:01I said 24. How come I got whacked?
0:25:01 > 0:25:02Hands out.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07No answering back!
0:25:07 > 0:25:10- SAZ LAUGHS - Maybe I should be a teacher.
0:25:10 > 0:25:14So he's not a nanny any more. That's what you wanted, wasn't it?
0:25:14 > 0:25:17Yeah. Now he's borderline suicidal, exactly what I wanted.
0:25:19 > 0:25:22All right, love? Did she go down OK?
0:25:22 > 0:25:24It's really hard getting her off to sleep without the frog.
0:25:24 > 0:25:28Yeah, I know. Squeaky Pig doesn't cut the mustard.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30I just don't seem to have Rocky's knack.
0:25:30 > 0:25:34Please give him his job back, Anna. Please! It wasn't his fault.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36It was my fault. I let Amber in. Amber's my friend.
0:25:36 > 0:25:40No, Viva, it was on Rocky's watch. He has to take responsibility.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44There's nothing left to say, Rocky, you fudged up big time.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47I just wanted to bring this back.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49Froggie! Where was it?
0:25:49 > 0:25:52I retraced every inch of my footsteps with Bean that day.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54I looked under every bush, in every bin.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56I asked every person I saw on the route.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58Just get to the fudging point, where was it?
0:25:58 > 0:26:00I worked out it was at the community centre.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02There's an AA meeting there after Baby Club.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05I tracked down all of the alcoholics who was at that meeting
0:26:05 > 0:26:07and turned out that Hairy Janet had got Froggie.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09Hairy Janet.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12I washed it, obviously. I had to give her a tenner.
0:26:12 > 0:26:16- She claimed it was her higher power. - BABY CRIES
0:26:16 > 0:26:20Oh, go on, Rocky, get her settled.
0:26:20 > 0:26:22I'm not saying I'm giving your job back though.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24Please give him another chance, Anna.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28Rocky...you can have your old job back.
0:26:28 > 0:26:31Rob! I was going to give him his job back,
0:26:31 > 0:26:33just after I'd tortured him for a bit.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35Now it makes it look like you're the nice one.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37He'll make a great husband.
0:26:37 > 0:26:40Right, you can stop with the reverse psychology now, Dad. I get it.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42I've told you before, I mean it.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45The scary thing is, I think you've actually succeeded.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47I'm starting to wonder am I doing the right thing
0:26:47 > 0:26:49by getting engaged at this point in my life.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51Jesus! You can't break up with him now,
0:26:51 > 0:26:53it would really fudge up Bean's routine.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56Viva, I wasn't doing reverse psychology,
0:26:56 > 0:26:59- I was genuinely pleased the whole time.- Really?
0:27:00 > 0:27:03Fudge biscuits! I think I might be having doubts.
0:27:03 > 0:27:06Oh, don't worry - if you're anything like your dad,
0:27:06 > 0:27:08Rocky'll be out of the picture in a couple of years,
0:27:08 > 0:27:09you'll be on to the next one.
0:27:18 > 0:27:22So if Sophie had a baby every nine months for the next seven years...
0:27:22 > 0:27:25- Could happen.- ..how many babies will that be altogether?
0:27:25 > 0:27:27Including Luca, Tallulah and Shalimar?
0:27:27 > 0:27:30Seven years. 12 months in a year. Seven times 12.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34Seven times 12, Amber?
0:27:34 > 0:27:37- 84. 84?- She'd have 12 kids altogether
0:27:37 > 0:27:40- and be three months pregnant with the next one.- Correct!
0:27:40 > 0:27:42One chocolate button for you.
0:27:42 > 0:27:45- Correct? Fuck me! - I prefer the chocolate button system
0:27:45 > 0:27:47to the getting-hit-with-a-stick system.
0:27:47 > 0:27:49Three babies, three different fathers.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52- How would that be expressed as a ratio, Amber?- Three...
0:27:52 > 0:27:54Dot on top of dot...three.
0:27:54 > 0:27:57- Correct!- And one chocolate button for you.
0:27:57 > 0:27:59Oh!
0:27:59 > 0:28:01And can I have one for Nigel?
0:28:04 > 0:28:06# People keep saying I'm doing it wrong
0:28:06 > 0:28:09# But I say it feels all right
0:28:09 > 0:28:14# I really do try, really do try, really do try
0:28:14 > 0:28:18# There's a million things that I can't change
0:28:18 > 0:28:21# But maybe it's all right
0:28:21 > 0:28:25# This is my life, this is my life, this is my life. #