0:00:12 > 0:00:15Ho-ho-ho!
0:00:17 > 0:00:18HE MUTTERS: What do you call a...?
0:00:21 > 0:00:23HE MUTTERS
0:00:26 > 0:00:28- Sorry. - Sorry, I... Are you waiting for me?
0:00:28 > 0:00:29- Yeah, sorry. - THEY LAUGH
0:00:29 > 0:00:31I beg your pardon! I can't...
0:00:31 > 0:00:33I can't hear bugger all through this, here.
0:00:33 > 0:00:34LAUGHTER
0:00:34 > 0:00:37I was on a train from Ilkley the other day, in my Santa suit.
0:00:37 > 0:00:41And I was sat down and this really attractive blonde girl
0:00:41 > 0:00:44came and sat next to me. She said, "Ooh, I've always wanted to
0:00:44 > 0:00:46"sit next to Santa on a train."
0:00:46 > 0:00:48I says, "Well, it's your lucky day, love."
0:00:48 > 0:00:52Anyway, after a couple of minutes, she opened this women's magazine
0:00:52 > 0:00:54and I could see the headline on the centre page.
0:00:54 > 0:00:58It said, "The male penis - does size matter?"
0:00:58 > 0:01:01I thought, thank God I've got my baggy trousers on.
0:01:01 > 0:01:02MUFFLED LAUGHTER
0:01:02 > 0:01:04Anyway, after a couple of minutes she said,
0:01:04 > 0:01:08"Did you know that Native American men have got the thickest penises?"
0:01:09 > 0:01:11WOMAN LAUGHS
0:01:11 > 0:01:13And...and Polish men have got the longest penises.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15I said, "I didn't know that."
0:01:15 > 0:01:17She says, "It's true - it says it in here."
0:01:17 > 0:01:19She says, "I know you're Santa Claus,
0:01:19 > 0:01:21"but I didn't catch your real name."
0:01:21 > 0:01:23I said, "It's Tonto Kowalski."
0:01:23 > 0:01:26LAUGHTER
0:01:26 > 0:01:28My Auntie Ethel, she died at 104.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30Died on her 104th birthday.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32That were sad.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35We were only halfway through giving her the bumps. Mm.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37LAUGHTER
0:01:38 > 0:01:41Me Uncle Albert died. He were 101.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44He walked into t'room, sat down in t'chair...
0:01:45 > 0:01:47..put his head back, closed his eyes...
0:01:48 > 0:01:50..his gob fell open.
0:01:50 > 0:01:51He were gone.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54What a nice way to go, though, eh?
0:01:54 > 0:01:56Mind you, the dentist shit hisself.
0:01:58 > 0:01:59BELL RINGS
0:01:59 > 0:02:00HE CHEERS
0:02:00 > 0:02:05A penguin is driving round the M25 and he notices, on the dashboard,
0:02:05 > 0:02:06the oil light's flashing.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08He thinks, "God, I'd better stop, quick."
0:02:08 > 0:02:11Pulls over to the services, calls the breakdown.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13Guy arrives, gets under the bonnet.
0:02:13 > 0:02:17It's a lovely day, so the penguin spots this little ice cream kiosk
0:02:17 > 0:02:19on the corner of the car park.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22So he waddles over, gets himself a Mr Whippy,
0:02:23 > 0:02:25Pretty tricky, with his flipper, but, you know,
0:02:25 > 0:02:28has a lovely ice cream, wipes it all over his face,
0:02:28 > 0:02:29dribbling down his front.
0:02:29 > 0:02:33Anyway, toddles back to see how the breakdown man's getting on.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36He pops his head out of the bonnet and says,
0:02:36 > 0:02:38"Looks like you've blown a seal."
0:02:38 > 0:02:40He's totally mortified and says,
0:02:40 > 0:02:42"No! I've just had an ice cream."
0:02:42 > 0:02:44LAUGHTER
0:02:44 > 0:02:48What do you call a nun with a washing machine on her head?
0:02:48 > 0:02:50Sister Matic.
0:02:50 > 0:02:51- ALL:- Oh!
0:02:51 > 0:02:53HE CHUCKLES
0:02:53 > 0:02:56Right, well, last week, I was on holiday in Torquay.
0:02:56 > 0:03:00And, one evening, before dinner, I thought, "Oh, I've got plenty time.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03"I'll nip down and have a pre-dinner drink."
0:03:03 > 0:03:05So I went to the bar and erm...
0:03:05 > 0:03:08I just ordered the drink and just as I did that,
0:03:08 > 0:03:11there was a load of blokes came in through the front door,
0:03:11 > 0:03:12into the foyer.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15And they were really, really boisterous.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Lots of slapping backs and things like that.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20So I went and sat beside them in the foyer.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22And they carried on, it was getting more boisterous
0:03:22 > 0:03:24as the evening went on.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26And they were all talking about the games of chess
0:03:26 > 0:03:28that they'd all been playing.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31They're getting more boisterous, more boisterous, more boisterous.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34Till, eventually, the hotel manager came out and he said,
0:03:34 > 0:03:36"Righto, you lot, clear off!"
0:03:36 > 0:03:38And, "You're making too much noise, so off you go."
0:03:38 > 0:03:42Then when he came past me, I said, "Why did you send them away?"
0:03:42 > 0:03:47He says, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
0:03:47 > 0:03:48- ALL:- Oh!
0:03:48 > 0:03:50LAUGHTER
0:03:50 > 0:03:52My friend, Hamish, is getting married, you see.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55I says, "Hamish, have you got all the arrangements done?"
0:03:55 > 0:03:59He says, "Aye. I've got the minister and I've got the church.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02"I've got the hall - haggis suppers, for afters.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04"Oh, and by the way, Peter, I am wearing the kilt."
0:04:04 > 0:04:07I said, "Oh, that's smashing, Hamish.
0:04:07 > 0:04:08"And what's the tartan?"
0:04:08 > 0:04:10"Oh, I think she's wearing a white dress."
0:04:10 > 0:04:12LAUGHTER
0:04:15 > 0:04:18What do you get if you cross a snowman with a vampire?
0:04:18 > 0:04:20- Frostbite. - GROANING
0:04:20 > 0:04:23Fella walks into a chemist. He says, "Could you...
0:04:23 > 0:04:27"Have you got a shampoo, please, that deals with alopecia,
0:04:27 > 0:04:29"greasy hair and dandruff?"
0:04:29 > 0:04:31"And I also need a cream for severe acne.
0:04:31 > 0:04:35"Er, I need industrial strength antiperspirant
0:04:35 > 0:04:38"for very bad body odour.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41"And, also, have you got anything that can sort piles out,
0:04:41 > 0:04:43"gout and athlete's foot?
0:04:43 > 0:04:46"Ooh! And a packet of condoms, as well. I feel lucky tonight."
0:04:46 > 0:04:49LAUGHTER
0:04:49 > 0:04:51Can you do blue stuff, no?
0:04:52 > 0:04:54Hey, up! Now then, you see.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56There were this prostitute wandering down t'road
0:04:56 > 0:04:57and she ran into Scouser.
0:04:57 > 0:05:01So she says to him, "Now then, lad. Do you want a blow job?"
0:05:01 > 0:05:02Scouser says to her,
0:05:02 > 0:05:04"Will it affect my dole money?"
0:05:04 > 0:05:06LAUGHTER AND CLAPPING
0:05:06 > 0:05:09The village barber has got a bit of an idiot son.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12He's trying to teach him the business,
0:05:12 > 0:05:14but it's just not working.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16One day he says to him, "We've got to take the plunge.
0:05:16 > 0:05:20"The next customer to walk in this shop, you're shaving him."
0:05:22 > 0:05:24A customer duly walks in.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26Father says to the son, "Get to it."
0:05:28 > 0:05:31So he starts off with his razor. He's shaving him, shaving him.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33And he nicks him.
0:05:33 > 0:05:34And the father says,
0:05:34 > 0:05:37"Oh, for crying out loud! How many times have I told you?"
0:05:37 > 0:05:39Takes an almighty slap at him.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42The kid ducks and he whacks the customer straight across the chops.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47The kid moves round the other side.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49He's shaving him. Nicks him again.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51The father says, "For crying out loud!"
0:05:51 > 0:05:54Takes another haymaker of a slap...
0:05:54 > 0:05:56..straight across, the kid ducks...
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Bang! Right across the customer's chops, again.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03The kid, now, is really nervous.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05He carries on shaving him, one eye on his dad.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08- MIMICS CHOPPING - Cuts one of the customer's ears off.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11The customer digs the kid in the ribs and says, "Oi!"
0:06:11 > 0:06:13"Put your foot over that, quick, before your dad sees it.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15LAUGHTER
0:06:16 > 0:06:19- IN DEEP VOICE:- Why did the Mexican throw his wife off the cliff?
0:06:21 > 0:06:22Tequila!
0:06:22 > 0:06:24LAUGHTER
0:06:25 > 0:06:28OK, so...so, moving onto the funny stuff...
0:06:28 > 0:06:32The working conditions in the Father Christmas factory are very good
0:06:32 > 0:06:33and the workers get a lot of breaks.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36And there are three elves sitting together in the cafe,
0:06:36 > 0:06:39in the restroom, talking about their children and what they usually do.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42This time, they're talking about their teenage daughters.
0:06:42 > 0:06:46One says, "Oh, my daughter's room is such a mess.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49"I have to try and get in there, but, she doesn't usually let me,
0:06:49 > 0:06:50"but this time it was so impossible.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53"I went in there and I cleaned up and, do you know what?
0:06:53 > 0:06:56"I found a packet of cigarettes.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59"Half full. Do you know, I didn't even know she smoked."
0:06:59 > 0:07:02And the other one says, "Oh, that's nothing.
0:07:02 > 0:07:06"My daughter's room is just as bad. "I went in there...
0:07:06 > 0:07:08"..long time clearing it all up.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10"And you know what I found at the end of it?
0:07:10 > 0:07:12"I found a half-empty bottle of schnapps.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14"I didn't even know that she drank."
0:07:14 > 0:07:17So the third one, she says, "Oh, that's nothing.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19"My daughter, she was impossible.
0:07:19 > 0:07:23"I finally had to go and get it sorted out.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25"Took me hours and hours.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27"And, under the bed, do you know what I found?
0:07:27 > 0:07:29"I found a packet of condoms.
0:07:29 > 0:07:33"And do you know, I had no idea she had a willy."
0:07:33 > 0:07:35LAUGHTER
0:07:42 > 0:07:45So, St Peter's there, on the pearly gates,
0:07:45 > 0:07:48and there are three people in the queue to get into heaven.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51The first couple are standing there, man and wife,
0:07:51 > 0:07:55and St Peter goes, "You! You will never get into heaven.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57"You were so greedy with your money that you even married
0:07:57 > 0:07:59"a girl named Penny."
0:08:00 > 0:08:02"Go away. You're not allowed."
0:08:02 > 0:08:05So they go away. They're a black affronted, actually.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08And, then, the second couple are in the queue.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11And he says, "You! You were so gluttonous.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13"You're never getting into heaven!
0:08:13 > 0:08:16"You even married a girl named Candy."
0:08:16 > 0:08:17So... Off they go.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19They're not getting in.
0:08:19 > 0:08:23Third couple, before he can even say a thing, the husband says,
0:08:23 > 0:08:26"Oh, come on, Fanny. Let's get out of here."
0:08:26 > 0:08:28LAUGHTER
0:08:28 > 0:08:29Fella walks into his doctor's.
0:08:29 > 0:08:30He said, "Oh, Doctor."
0:08:30 > 0:08:32- "I can't stop.. - BLOWS RASPBERRY
0:08:32 > 0:08:33- "..fart... - BLOWS RASPBERRY
0:08:33 > 0:08:36"..farting. Or, breaking wind, shall I say."
0:08:36 > 0:08:37- He says, "It's... - BLOWS RASPBERRY
0:08:37 > 0:08:38"..bloody awful."
0:08:38 > 0:08:41Anyway, he says, "One moment..." He gets out of his chair
0:08:41 > 0:08:44and gets a six foot pole, with a big, brass hook on the end.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46He says, "What are you going to bloody do with that?"
0:08:46 > 0:08:48He said, "I'm going to open the windows."
0:08:49 > 0:08:51The Beach Boys walk into a bar.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54Brian says to Carl...
0:08:54 > 0:08:56"Round, round. Get a round.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58- "I get a round. Yeah!" - LAUGHTER
0:09:00 > 0:09:03This woman asked her son what he wanted for Christmas.
0:09:03 > 0:09:07He says, "I want something to wear and something to play with."
0:09:07 > 0:09:11So she brought him a pair of jeans and cut the pockets out.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13LAUGHTER
0:09:13 > 0:09:16Too near the mark? OK. Ha, ha.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19So the weightlifter girl, she goes to the doctor and says,
0:09:19 > 0:09:22"Doctor, Doctor, I've been on those steroids.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24- WHISPERING:- "And I've got a cock."
0:09:24 > 0:09:25"Oh!"
0:09:25 > 0:09:27"Hmm..."
0:09:27 > 0:09:30"Cock, steroids? Steroids...
0:09:30 > 0:09:32"Hmm. Anabolic?"
0:09:32 > 0:09:34"Ooh, no, no, no. Just the cock."
0:09:34 > 0:09:36LAUGHTER
0:09:44 > 0:09:47Ape walks into a pub, strolls up to the bar, he goes,
0:09:47 > 0:09:49"Er, I'd like a pint of, er, lager, please."
0:09:49 > 0:09:52"Certainly. There you are, Mr Ape. Er, that'll be £4.50."
0:09:52 > 0:09:55And then he goes, "Oh, OK. Sure. All right. OK."
0:09:55 > 0:09:58He goes, "Erm, I'm not being, sort of f... f...
0:09:58 > 0:10:00"facetious, if I can say the word,
0:10:00 > 0:10:02"but, erm, we don't get many apes in here."
0:10:02 > 0:10:05And the ape goes, "Well, I'm not surprised - £4.50 a pint."
0:10:05 > 0:10:08LAUGHTER
0:10:08 > 0:10:11Have you heard about the four foot psychic that's escaped from jail?
0:10:11 > 0:10:13Police have said there is a small medium at large.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16LAUGHTER
0:10:16 > 0:10:18This woman got on a bus with her baby.
0:10:18 > 0:10:22She goes up to t'driver, to pay her fare, and he says, "My goodness me!
0:10:22 > 0:10:25"That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
0:10:25 > 0:10:26MIMICS SOBBING
0:10:26 > 0:10:29So she goes and sits at the back of t'bus, next to this bloke
0:10:29 > 0:10:32and she says, "Do you know, that driver's just insulted me?"
0:10:32 > 0:10:35He says, "Well, nevermind, love. You go tell him off.
0:10:35 > 0:10:36"I'll look after t'monkey."
0:10:36 > 0:10:38LAUGHTER
0:10:39 > 0:10:41My wife's been missing for a week now.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44The police said to expect the worst.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47So I've been to the charity shop and got back all her clothes.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49LAUGHTER
0:10:49 > 0:10:51- IN DEEP VOICE:- It was a cold winter's night
0:10:51 > 0:10:53and the pub was empty.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55And the barman looked up as the door opened
0:10:55 > 0:10:57and in walked a man looking very dishevelled.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59He sat down at the bar and said,
0:10:59 > 0:11:03"Barman, I'm ever so sorry, but I have no money.
0:11:03 > 0:11:07"If I show you something amazing, would you give me a pint?"
0:11:07 > 0:11:10The barman says, "I think so."
0:11:10 > 0:11:14So, the man behind the bar looks up and he opens up his coat
0:11:14 > 0:11:19and he pulls out a very small piano and puts it on the bar.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21He, then, from the other side,
0:11:21 > 0:11:24opens up his coat and pulls out a very small man
0:11:24 > 0:11:26and puts it on the bar.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29And, all of a sudden, the little man runs over to the piano
0:11:29 > 0:11:32and starts playing the most amazing music.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35After five minutes, the barman says, "This is incredible!"
0:11:35 > 0:11:37and hands him his pint.
0:11:37 > 0:11:38He says to the man,
0:11:38 > 0:11:42"How did you come by this little man and his piano?"
0:11:42 > 0:11:46And he says, "Well, I was walking along the lane and, in the gutter,
0:11:46 > 0:11:48"I saw a lamp and I picked it up and I rubbed it
0:11:48 > 0:11:51"and out popped a genie. And the genie gave me one wish."
0:11:51 > 0:11:53And so the barman says, "Do you still have the lamp?"
0:11:53 > 0:11:56And he goes, "Why, yes!" and he hands it over.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58And the barman rubs it and out pops the genie!
0:11:58 > 0:11:59And he asks for one wish.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01And, all of a sudden, around the bar,
0:12:01 > 0:12:04little yellow ducks appear everywhere.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06And the barman says, "Hang on! Hang on!
0:12:06 > 0:12:10"I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"
0:12:10 > 0:12:11And the guy says,
0:12:11 > 0:12:14"You think I asked for a 12-inch pianist?"
0:12:14 > 0:12:16LAUGHTER
0:12:16 > 0:12:18I bought my son a flat piece of cardboard for Christmas.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Although, what he wants with an ex-box, I'll never know.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23- LAUGHTER ALL:- Ooh!
0:12:23 > 0:12:26Prince Charles visits an institute for the criminally insane.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28He goes around, from cell to cell,
0:12:28 > 0:12:31and everything goes pretty much as expected.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33Until he comes to this one prisoner,
0:12:33 > 0:12:36in this particular cell.
0:12:36 > 0:12:37And when they call in to say,
0:12:37 > 0:12:39"Prince Charles, lunch will be ready soon",
0:12:39 > 0:12:42he says, "No. I'm staying here for a while.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44"I wish to talk more to this man."
0:12:44 > 0:12:47Anyway, he spends half the afternoon with him.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50At the end of which, he says, "Listen..."
0:12:50 > 0:12:53.."I've got some influence in this country.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55"I don't think you should be in here.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58"I've never met such a civilised person as you."
0:12:58 > 0:13:01"I'm going to use my influence, I'm going to get you out of here,
0:13:01 > 0:13:03"I'm going to help you find a job,
0:13:03 > 0:13:05"I'm going to help you find somewhere to live."
0:13:05 > 0:13:09"OK? And I will be back next week.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11"OK?"
0:13:11 > 0:13:13The man says, "Thank you very much."
0:13:13 > 0:13:15Prince Charles is just leaving.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17As he gets to the cell door,
0:13:17 > 0:13:19the man picks up a house brick,
0:13:19 > 0:13:23throws it, whacks Prince Charles on the back of the head with it.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25Prince Charles turns around and the fella says,
0:13:25 > 0:13:27"You won't forget, now, will ya?"
0:13:27 > 0:13:28LAUGHTER
0:13:28 > 0:13:30There's a popular myth going round
0:13:30 > 0:13:33that sex is the best form of exercise you can get.
0:13:33 > 0:13:37Well, excuse me, but I don't think 2 minutes, 15 seconds
0:13:37 > 0:13:39every three months is going to shift this belly.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42LAUGHTER
0:13:43 > 0:13:45Two magistrates and a clerk to the court
0:13:45 > 0:13:48were out riding their bicycles in the dark
0:13:48 > 0:13:50and they got stopped by the local constabulary,
0:13:50 > 0:13:52because they were riding their bikes without lights.
0:13:52 > 0:13:56So, they were charged, they were summoned to court, given the day,
0:13:56 > 0:13:59and then, they arrived but nobody else was there.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01They'd arrived on the wrong day.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03They said, "Well, look. We're magistrates and the clerk.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05"We can do it ourselves."
0:14:05 > 0:14:08So, the first magistrate sat in the chair, the clerk helped him
0:14:08 > 0:14:10and the other magistrate got in the dock.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13So, he said, "Right, you've been charged with riding a bike
0:14:13 > 0:14:15"with no lights on. How do you plead?"
0:14:15 > 0:14:17"Guilty, Your Worship."
0:14:17 > 0:14:20So, he says, "Right, you're fined £5."
0:14:20 > 0:14:22So, then, they swap place.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24So the second magistrate said to the first magistrate,
0:14:24 > 0:14:27"You've been charged with riding your bike without any lights.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29"How do you plead?"
0:14:29 > 0:14:30"I plead guilty, Your Worship."
0:14:30 > 0:14:33So he says, "Right, you've been fined £5."
0:14:33 > 0:14:35So, then, it was the turn of the clerk of the court.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37So the clerk got in the dock, the two magistrates sat,
0:14:37 > 0:14:39they sat in judgment.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41And they said, "How do you plead?"
0:14:41 > 0:14:43"Guilty, Your Worships."
0:14:43 > 0:14:44"Right, well, you will be fined £500."
0:14:44 > 0:14:46"Hang on a minute!" he says,
0:14:46 > 0:14:49"£500? You two got away with a fiver each!"
0:14:49 > 0:14:52"Yes, but, do you know, that's the third case we've heard this morning
0:14:52 > 0:14:54"and it's got to stop."
0:14:54 > 0:14:55LAUGHTER
0:15:02 > 0:15:06What does the Queen call her Christmas broadcast?
0:15:06 > 0:15:08- The One Show. - HE CHUCKLES
0:15:08 > 0:15:11- Whey! - LAUGHTER
0:15:11 > 0:15:14The CID decided to employ a new detective.
0:15:14 > 0:15:18So, they took all the applicants into an examination room
0:15:18 > 0:15:21and all three of them were women.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23All three of them were blondes, as well.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26So they gave them a test and he got out a photograph
0:15:26 > 0:15:30and put it in front of them, turned it over after five seconds
0:15:30 > 0:15:32and said, "Identify that man."
0:15:33 > 0:15:37And the first lady, Sharon, she said, "Ah, easy.
0:15:37 > 0:15:38"He's only got one eye."
0:15:39 > 0:15:42He says, "Agh! It's a profile photograph!
0:15:42 > 0:15:44"Oh, dear. Next!"
0:15:44 > 0:15:48And then came the next one and she said, "Oh, that's easy.
0:15:48 > 0:15:49"He's only got one ear."
0:15:50 > 0:15:53"It's a profile photograph!
0:15:53 > 0:15:54"Oh! Next!"
0:15:54 > 0:15:57And then came the third one, Sue, and she looked at it,
0:15:57 > 0:16:01just for a second, and she said, "He's got contact lenses."
0:16:01 > 0:16:05And the guy said, "That's amazing. We didn't even know that ourselves.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07"How do you know he's got contact lenses? You've got the job!
0:16:07 > 0:16:09"How do you know?"
0:16:09 > 0:16:11"It's easy, he can't wear regular glasses -
0:16:11 > 0:16:13"he's only got one eye and one ear."
0:16:13 > 0:16:15LAUGHTER
0:16:16 > 0:16:18OK. Hm.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20Nostalgia...
0:16:20 > 0:16:22LAUGHTER
0:16:22 > 0:16:24How do you make Lady Gaga cry?
0:16:24 > 0:16:25Poke her face.
0:16:25 > 0:16:26LAUGHTER
0:16:26 > 0:16:29HE SIGHS
0:16:29 > 0:16:30HE LAUGHS
0:16:30 > 0:16:35- What's the difference... - ..between snowmen and snowwomen?
0:16:35 > 0:16:36Snow balls!
0:16:36 > 0:16:37- ALL:- Whey!
0:16:37 > 0:16:40There's this lady walking down the street.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42It's cold, it's bleak.
0:16:42 > 0:16:46It's raining and she loses her handbag.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48And she's devastated.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51So she's having a good look round the street, there,
0:16:51 > 0:16:54and she's looking at where she was sat, on the bench.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57And she can't find it anywhere. And she's asking people.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59And, all of a sudden, this little boy walks up.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02He said, "Have you lost your handbag, Missus?
0:17:02 > 0:17:05So she said, "Yes, I have, son."
0:17:05 > 0:17:07He said, "Would this be the one?"
0:17:07 > 0:17:09So she said, "Yeah, that's the one."
0:17:09 > 0:17:11She said, "Oh, can I just have a look inside?"
0:17:11 > 0:17:14So she looks inside it and when she opened the purse, she said,
0:17:14 > 0:17:19"Mm." She said, "When I lost the purse," she said,
0:17:19 > 0:17:22"there was a £20 note in the purse, itself".
0:17:23 > 0:17:25And she said, "Now, there's four fivers."
0:17:25 > 0:17:27She says, "I don't understand that."
0:17:27 > 0:17:30So the little boy said, "Well, it's simple, really.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32"The last time I found a lady's bag,
0:17:32 > 0:17:34"she didn't have any change for a reward."
0:17:34 > 0:17:35LAUGHTER
0:17:37 > 0:17:39So Pat's doing a little bit of extra work and he goes,
0:17:39 > 0:17:42knocks on the door and he says, "Have you got any spare jobs?"
0:17:42 > 0:17:44He says, he says,
0:17:44 > 0:17:47"Yes, go round the back and wash the Rolls at the back." So off he goes,
0:17:47 > 0:17:49round the back, and he's cleaning the Rolls
0:17:49 > 0:17:53and he's giving it a good wash. He hoovers the inside.
0:17:53 > 0:17:54And, as he's hoovering it,
0:17:54 > 0:17:57he finds these little things, like that.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00Little tees they were, actually.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03And he was very confused. Very, very confused.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05So, he goes back and he says,
0:18:05 > 0:18:08"Sir, your Rolls Royce is all nice and clear, Sir.
0:18:08 > 0:18:09"But, tell me, what's this?"
0:18:09 > 0:18:12"He says, "Oh, Pat! That, Pat, is a tee."
0:18:12 > 0:18:14He says, "And what...? What are those for?"
0:18:14 > 0:18:17He says, "Well, those are for putting your balls on,
0:18:17 > 0:18:19"before you drive off." Well, he says, "But, Jaysus!
0:18:19 > 0:18:22"This Rolls-Royce think of everything."
0:18:22 > 0:18:24LAUGHTER
0:18:24 > 0:18:26HE LAUGHS
0:18:26 > 0:18:28My son came home from school the other day.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30I said, "How did you get on?"
0:18:30 > 0:18:32So he said, "Great", he said. "I'm in a play."
0:18:32 > 0:18:34I said, "That's lovely. What part have you got?"
0:18:34 > 0:18:36He said, "I got the part of the husband."
0:18:36 > 0:18:39I said, "Maybe next time, you'll get a speaking part."
0:18:39 > 0:18:42LAUGHTER
0:18:42 > 0:18:45Gary comes home from the pub and he's absolutely smashed.
0:18:45 > 0:18:49He staggers upstairs and slides into bed with his wife.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52In the middle of the night, out of nowhere, an image appears to Gary.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55It's an angel.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58And he says, "Gary, you've died from alcohol poisoning."
0:18:58 > 0:19:01"What?! No! No way! I've got too much to live for.
0:19:01 > 0:19:02"You've got to send me back."
0:19:02 > 0:19:05"Well, it's a bit unorthodox", said the angel,
0:19:05 > 0:19:08"but, er, we could send you back as a chicken."
0:19:08 > 0:19:12"Well, I've never heard that one before, but, er, give it a whack."
0:19:12 > 0:19:14Gary the hen is now on a chicken farm
0:19:14 > 0:19:17and he's got a really bad feeling in his stomach.
0:19:17 > 0:19:18And this other hen comes up to him and goes,
0:19:18 > 0:19:21"Oh, I've been there before. Just let the feeling come out."
0:19:21 > 0:19:22So...
0:19:22 > 0:19:25- HE GROANS - He does and he lays an egg.
0:19:25 > 0:19:30Gary, overcome with motherhood, so happy, he does it again.
0:19:30 > 0:19:31He lays a second egg. "Ooh."
0:19:31 > 0:19:34"I like that feeling. I'll have another one."
0:19:34 > 0:19:37So he lays egg, after egg, after egg.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40Then his wife goes, "Gary! Wake up! You're shitting the bed!"
0:19:40 > 0:19:43LAUGHTER
0:19:45 > 0:19:48There are three stages of old age.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51One of them is loss of memory.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54I can't remember the other two.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56LAUGHTER
0:19:58 > 0:20:02So, I was on the motorway, the M1. My car broke down.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05It started to snow, started to sleet. I was getting desperate.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08I flagged down a passing motorist. I said, "You've got to help me!
0:20:08 > 0:20:10"You've got to help me! I've broken down!"
0:20:10 > 0:20:12He said, "I'm sorry", he said,
0:20:12 > 0:20:15"I'm not a mechanic, I'm a chiropodist."
0:20:15 > 0:20:17"Well", I said, "if you're a chiropodist...
0:20:17 > 0:20:19"Give us a toe."
0:20:19 > 0:20:21- HE LAUGHS DEEPLY ALL:- Whey!
0:20:21 > 0:20:24This drunk staggers out of this pub.
0:20:24 > 0:20:25Pissed out of his head.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27Walking down this dark country lane,
0:20:27 > 0:20:30he sees this woman lurking in t'shadows.
0:20:30 > 0:20:33She shouts over, "Jimmy! Do you want to do some business?"
0:20:33 > 0:20:35Well, Jimmy thinks...
0:20:35 > 0:20:38I've never been with a prostitute before,
0:20:38 > 0:20:39but I'll give it a go.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41So off they go, round t'back of this bush,
0:20:41 > 0:20:43they've been there about five minutes
0:20:43 > 0:20:45and they get disturbed by the village bobby.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48He says, "Jimmy, what you doing round t'back of that bush?"
0:20:48 > 0:20:50Jimmy says, "Ooh!" He says, "Ooh! Oooh..."
0:20:50 > 0:20:52..he says, "I'm making love to me missus!
0:20:52 > 0:20:55The bobby says, "Well, that's all right, then, Jimmy.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58"I'm sorry to disturb you. I didn't realise it were your missus."
0:20:58 > 0:21:01Jimmy says, "Neither did I, till he shone the torch in her face."
0:21:01 > 0:21:03LAUGHTER
0:21:05 > 0:21:08I owned an Indian cafe on the end of the road.
0:21:08 > 0:21:09It was called Karma.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12You don't order any food, we just give you what you deserve.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15- ALL:- Ooh! - LAUGHTER
0:21:15 > 0:21:19So, I was on my sleigh on Christmas Eve
0:21:19 > 0:21:22and all the reindeer were in front of me.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25And we often have conversations, and Rudolph said to me,
0:21:25 > 0:21:28"Santa, how do you know exactly where you are in the world?"
0:21:28 > 0:21:30And I said, "Well, it's very easy.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33"I just stick my hand out of my sleigh
0:21:33 > 0:21:36"and I know exactly where I am from the temperature."
0:21:36 > 0:21:38He went, "Oh, really? Where are we now?"
0:21:38 > 0:21:42I went, "Ooh, it's very warm. We must be in India."
0:21:42 > 0:21:45He goes, "Yeah. That's right."
0:21:45 > 0:21:47So we try again in half an hour.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50And they go, "Santa, where are we?"
0:21:50 > 0:21:54So, I stick my hand out and I go, "Oh, we must be in the South Pole
0:21:54 > 0:21:57"cos it's very, very cold. In fact, it's freezing."
0:21:58 > 0:22:02So, an hour's passed and Rudolph goes, "Santa, where are we now?"
0:22:02 > 0:22:05And I stick my hand out and I go, "Glasgow."
0:22:05 > 0:22:08And he says, "Glasgow?" And I say, "Yeah.
0:22:08 > 0:22:09"Someone's nicked my watch."
0:22:09 > 0:22:13LAUGHTER
0:22:13 > 0:22:16Three lads, exploring the jungle, and they get taken by a tribe.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18Put in front of the chief and the chief goes,
0:22:18 > 0:22:21"Right, I'll let you go free if you can sing me a song about a dog."
0:22:21 > 0:22:24So the first lad steps forward and he goes, "Er..."
0:22:24 > 0:22:26# How much is that doggy in the window? #
0:22:26 > 0:22:28He goes, "Right, OK, you're off."
0:22:28 > 0:22:31"Oh, OK." So the second lad steps forward and he goes, "Erm..."
0:22:31 > 0:22:33# When I was a lad, old Shep was a pup. #
0:22:33 > 0:22:35He goes, "OK, you're off."
0:22:35 > 0:22:37So the third one's sat there thinking for while
0:22:37 > 0:22:38and he goes, "Ah!"
0:22:38 > 0:22:42# Strangers in the night exchanging glances. #
0:22:42 > 0:22:46Chief goes, "Where's the dog in this?" He goes, "Hold on a sec."
0:22:46 > 0:22:47# Scooby dooby doo... #
0:22:47 > 0:22:49LAUGHTER
0:22:49 > 0:22:52Only really works if you know the song, as well, dunnit?
0:22:52 > 0:22:54Right, I think that's me done.
0:22:54 > 0:22:55APPLAUSE
0:22:55 > 0:22:57Thank you.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05Gordon Brown dies and goes up to heaven.
0:23:05 > 0:23:09He's met at the pearly gates by St Peter.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12Ushers him into this huge hallway.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15There's thousands and thousands of clocks.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18Gordon Brown says, "What are they for?"
0:23:18 > 0:23:23St Peter says, "Well, every human being is allocated a clock,
0:23:23 > 0:23:24"which is set to noon.
0:23:24 > 0:23:29"And every time they tell a lie, the clock advances by a minute."
0:23:29 > 0:23:34"See that one there? That one's Mother Teresa's, still set at noon.
0:23:34 > 0:23:38"That one there, that belongs to Abraham Lincoln.
0:23:38 > 0:23:43"Two minutes past 12 - he lied twice, as a child."
0:23:43 > 0:23:46Gordon Brown goes, "Where's Tony Blair's clock?"
0:23:46 > 0:23:47St Peter says,
0:23:47 > 0:23:50"Jesus is using that as a ceiling fan!"
0:23:50 > 0:23:52- ALL:- Ey!
0:23:52 > 0:23:53Bit of politics!
0:23:53 > 0:23:56Crab walks into a bar. The barman said, "Oi!
0:23:56 > 0:23:59"I've had enough of your mates coming in here, giving it all that!"
0:23:59 > 0:24:02LAUGHTER
0:24:02 > 0:24:04I was talking to an astronaut the other day.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06He said he'd been to the Moon.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08He told me about this restaurant on the Moon.
0:24:08 > 0:24:09"Great food", he said,
0:24:09 > 0:24:11"but no atmosphere."
0:24:11 > 0:24:12- ALL:- Hey! - GROANING
0:24:12 > 0:24:16- IN DEEP VOICE:- What is the world's best Christmas present?
0:24:16 > 0:24:18A broken drum.
0:24:18 > 0:24:19You just can't beat it.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21- GROANING - Da-dum, tss!
0:24:21 > 0:24:23It's an old one, but it's a goodie.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26A man walks into a psychiatrist's and says,
0:24:26 > 0:24:29"Doctor, Doctor! People keep ignoring me!"
0:24:29 > 0:24:30"Next!"
0:24:30 > 0:24:32LAUGHTER
0:24:32 > 0:24:37Three men, unfortunately, were in a car accident.
0:24:37 > 0:24:38They go up to heaven.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41At the gates, St Peter welcomes them and says, "Ah!
0:24:41 > 0:24:43"Before you come in...
0:24:43 > 0:24:44"I will let you in,
0:24:44 > 0:24:46"if you give me something that's related to Christmas."
0:24:46 > 0:24:49"OK." The first man goes in his pocket,
0:24:49 > 0:24:51gives a piece of mistletoe to St Peter.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53"Lovely, you're in. Bar's over there."
0:24:53 > 0:24:56"Brilliant." Second man, he's checking.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59He finds a Christmas cracker. Gives it to St Peter. He says,
0:24:59 > 0:25:01"Great job. Bar's over there. You're in."
0:25:01 > 0:25:04Well, the third one's panicking, goes in, pulls out...
0:25:04 > 0:25:06a pair of ladies underwear.
0:25:06 > 0:25:07Gives them to St Peter.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10And he went, "What's that got to do with Christmas?"
0:25:10 > 0:25:11He went, "They're Carol's."
0:25:11 > 0:25:13LAUGHTER
0:25:13 > 0:25:16I had a real shock the 24th, last year.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19Finished all the work, sitting back in the grotto in Lapland,
0:25:19 > 0:25:21ready for a bit of relaxation.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24Mrs Claus sitting on my knee. I thought I'd do the right thing -
0:25:24 > 0:25:26"What would you like for Christmas, darling?"
0:25:26 > 0:25:29She looked me straight in the eye and said, "I want a divorce."
0:25:29 > 0:25:30I looked back and said,
0:25:30 > 0:25:32"I'm not thinking of spending that much, sweetheart."
0:25:32 > 0:25:33LAUGHTER
0:25:33 > 0:25:36My friend, he went to the doctor.
0:25:36 > 0:25:40And he had this, like a little cock growing out of his head.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42And he went to the doctor and the doctor said,
0:25:42 > 0:25:45"Ooh, I've never seen that before. Now, that is quite...
0:25:45 > 0:25:47"I've heard about it, but never seen it."
0:25:47 > 0:25:49"Oh", he says, "Oh, dear. Can you cu...?"
0:25:49 > 0:25:51"Ooh, no. We can't cut it off", he says.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54"If we do that, it will affect your brain and you'll die."
0:25:54 > 0:25:56He says, "Oh, my God. Well, what's going to happen?"
0:25:56 > 0:25:58He says, "Well, it'll grow just like your own."
0:25:58 > 0:26:00He says, "Oh, bloody hell", he says.
0:26:00 > 0:26:01"I've got a huge cock."
0:26:01 > 0:26:04"Am I going to have to look at that all day?"
0:26:04 > 0:26:05He says, "Oh, no. Don't worry.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07"The bollocks'll hide it."
0:26:07 > 0:26:09LAUGHTER
0:26:13 > 0:26:15- Oh-ho-ho!- Ha-ha!
0:26:15 > 0:26:18Policeman's doing spot checks on cars.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20Flags down a car...
0:26:20 > 0:26:21bloke winds down the window.
0:26:21 > 0:26:25Policeman says, "You've got a dozen penguins in the back of your car!"
0:26:25 > 0:26:27He goes, "Yeah."
0:26:27 > 0:26:29"Well, what the hell are you playing at?
0:26:29 > 0:26:31"Take them to the zoo, immediately."
0:26:31 > 0:26:34The bloke says, "OK." He drives off.
0:26:34 > 0:26:38Anyway, the next day, the policeman's on the same duty. Same place.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41Flags down the same car. Bloke winds down the window...
0:26:41 > 0:26:45"You've still got that dozen penguins in there!"
0:26:45 > 0:26:47He said, "I told you to take them to the zoo, immediately."
0:26:47 > 0:26:50And he said, "I did. They enjoyed it so much,
0:26:50 > 0:26:53"I thought I'd take them to the cinema this afternoon."
0:26:53 > 0:26:55LAUGHTER
0:26:55 > 0:26:59Man walks into a bar. There's a newt on his shoulder.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02Goes up to the barman and says, "I'd like a pint of beer, please,
0:27:02 > 0:27:05"and an orange juice for my pet, Tiny."
0:27:05 > 0:27:07"Why do you call him Tiny?"
0:27:07 > 0:27:09He's my newt, isn't he?
0:27:09 > 0:27:11LAUGHTER AND GROANING
0:27:11 > 0:27:13You see...?
0:27:13 > 0:27:14LAUGHTER
0:27:14 > 0:27:17Well, that was quite funny, but...
0:27:17 > 0:27:18LAUGHTER
0:27:18 > 0:27:22When I was at this Christmas party, my mate, Bob,
0:27:22 > 0:27:25he's got six kids and is he proud of it.
0:27:25 > 0:27:28We're in the party and he shouts over to his wife,
0:27:28 > 0:27:30"Can you get me a drink, mother of six?"
0:27:30 > 0:27:32Then, a few minutes later,
0:27:32 > 0:27:35"Can you get me a pork pie and some sausage rolls, mother of six?"
0:27:36 > 0:27:38Towards the end of the evening,
0:27:38 > 0:27:41I could see she was getting really wound up.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43Anyway, just before he went, he shouts,
0:27:43 > 0:27:45"What time are we leaving, mother of six?"
0:27:45 > 0:27:48She says, "Any time you want, father of four."
0:27:48 > 0:27:50- Oh! - LAUGHTER
0:27:50 > 0:27:53Merry Christmas, everybody.
0:27:53 > 0:27:55LAUGHTER
0:27:55 > 0:27:57- Can I go now? - LAUGHTER
0:27:57 > 0:27:59- Will that do ya? - CHEERING