0:00:15 > 0:00:20Fella goes to the doctors. He says, "I've got a problem down below."
0:00:20 > 0:00:23Doctor says, "What do you...?" He said, "You know, scrotum."
0:00:23 > 0:00:26He said, "Get undressed, let's have a look at you."
0:00:26 > 0:00:29He gets undressed, the doctor's weighing up the situation.
0:00:31 > 0:00:37He says, "Quite rare this, but you've got three testicles."
0:00:37 > 0:00:39Bloke says, "What?" He said...
0:00:40 > 0:00:43"Nothing to worry about, it's not life-threatening or anything but
0:00:43 > 0:00:46"you've got three testicles, it's quite uncommon."
0:00:46 > 0:00:48Fella said, "Am I going to be all right?"
0:00:48 > 0:00:50"Oh, aye, nothing to worry about."
0:00:50 > 0:00:53So he gets dressed, he walks down the road, quite relieved.
0:00:55 > 0:00:59He thinks, "If I use my head here, I could make a few bob out of this."
0:00:59 > 0:01:01So he goes in the nearest ale house.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04An old fella next time to him, leaning on the bar...
0:01:04 > 0:01:06gets a pint.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09He says, "All right, pop?" He says, "All right."
0:01:09 > 0:01:10He says, "Do you have a bet, pop?" He says,
0:01:10 > 0:01:16"Oh, aye, do the horses every day, do the pools every weekend.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19He says, "You don't fancy having a bet with me, do you?"
0:01:19 > 0:01:21He says, "Depends, like."
0:01:21 > 0:01:24He said, "I bet you a tenner that between us we've got
0:01:24 > 0:01:25"five testicles."
0:01:27 > 0:01:29The old fella says, "Are you soft or what?"
0:01:29 > 0:01:31"Tell you what,"
0:01:31 > 0:01:36he said, "Make it 20 quid, between us we've got five testicles."
0:01:38 > 0:01:40Old fella says, "All right, you're on."
0:01:40 > 0:01:43So they adjourn to the gents.
0:01:43 > 0:01:44The old fella drops his kecks, he says,
0:01:44 > 0:01:46"There's my one, where's your four?"
0:01:53 > 0:01:55There's a scouser on an airplane.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57And he's never flown before.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59He's going to America to see his cousin.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02He's very excited about the whole thing, going to Heathrow
0:02:02 > 0:02:03and it's all thrilling for him.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05Gets on the plane and everybody's so nice to him
0:02:05 > 0:02:09and polite and the cabin crew, they can't do enough for him.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12He thinks it's wonderful, "What a wonderful way to travel."
0:02:12 > 0:02:15He doesn't realise but he's been seated next to
0:02:15 > 0:02:17an Evangelist preacher.
0:02:17 > 0:02:23Real fire and brimstone guy who's just been on a tour,
0:02:23 > 0:02:25Evangelist tour in the UK.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27And he's returning to America.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29Anyway, the flight gets under way.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32And a beautiful young lady comes round, cabin crew,
0:02:32 > 0:02:34she comes over with the trolley.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37And she says to the Scouser, "Would you care for a drink?"
0:02:37 > 0:02:42He says, "Oh, yeah, great. I'll have a whiskey."
0:02:42 > 0:02:46She said, "Certainly, sir. With ice?" He said, "Yeah, yeah, great."
0:02:46 > 0:02:48Puts the drink on the tray with ice.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50Hands it to him.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52And she says to the Evangelist preacher,
0:02:52 > 0:02:54"Sir, would you like a drink?"
0:02:54 > 0:02:57He said, "Young lady,
0:02:57 > 0:03:01"I would rather fornicate with the whore of Babylon than drink alcohol."
0:03:03 > 0:03:05So the Scouser put his drink back on the tray.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08He said, "I didn't know there was a choice, I'll have the same as him."
0:03:12 > 0:03:15Me daughter's a school teacher.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Primary school kids.
0:03:17 > 0:03:21And just before they broke up,
0:03:21 > 0:03:25in the morning, little Jimmy come in late, about quarter to ten.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28And she said, "Where have you been, Jimmy?"
0:03:28 > 0:03:30He said, "Me granddad got burned."
0:03:30 > 0:03:33She said, "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Was it bad?"
0:03:33 > 0:03:36He said, "Well, they don't mess about at the crematorium, do they?"
0:03:39 > 0:03:44Three tortoises decide to go out on a picnic - Jim, Ray and Alan.
0:03:46 > 0:03:50They go out, takes them ten days to get there on this ten mile...
0:03:50 > 0:03:54They get to the picnic, gets the sandwiches out, gets the drinks out.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57Goes to have a drink - no bottle opener.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59So Jim and Ray say to Alan,
0:03:59 > 0:04:02"Go back and get the bottle opener."
0:04:02 > 0:04:04He went, "No, I'm not going back."
0:04:04 > 0:04:07"Go on, we'll wait for you to come back, we won't eat the picnic.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09"We'll wait for you, promise."
0:04:09 > 0:04:13"Are you sure now?" He said, "Yeah." So off Alan goes.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15Ten days go.
0:04:15 > 0:04:16Ray and Jim are like,
0:04:16 > 0:04:19"Wonder where he is." No sign of him.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21Another ten days go by. "Starving here.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24"Wonder where he is." Looking round.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26Five days go past and Jim goes,
0:04:26 > 0:04:30"Sack this, I'm not waiting no more, I'm starving." And started eating.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33Next thing, Alan jumps out from behind a rock and goes,
0:04:33 > 0:04:34"I knew you'd start without me!"
0:04:38 > 0:04:43It's 1775 and Captain Jack with his Scouse crew has been charged
0:04:43 > 0:04:47with bringing a tonne of gold from Durban, South Africa to Liverpool.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51Word gets round the clubs in Durban that there's a few bob to be made
0:04:51 > 0:04:53for an enterprising pirate.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56Two days out of Durban,
0:04:56 > 0:04:59someone up in the crow's nest shouts,
0:04:59 > 0:05:02"Pirate ship on the port bow!"
0:05:02 > 0:05:04Captain Jack leaps up on the deck.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Musters his crew.
0:05:06 > 0:05:10And shouts, "Bring forth my bright red shirt!"
0:05:10 > 0:05:13The bosun brings the shirt, puts it on him.
0:05:13 > 0:05:17And as the pirate ships draw close,
0:05:17 > 0:05:19a fierce battle rages.
0:05:19 > 0:05:23Captain Jack leads from the front with his cutlass and his pistol
0:05:23 > 0:05:25and his knife.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28And after two hours the pirates are repelled.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30Four days out of Durban.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32Someone up in the crow's nest shouts,
0:05:32 > 0:05:35"Pirate ship on the port bow!"
0:05:35 > 0:05:39Captain Jack leaps forward onto the deck.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41He musters his crew and shouts,
0:05:41 > 0:05:44"Bring forth my bright red shirt!"
0:05:44 > 0:05:47The bosun brings his shirt and puts it on.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49The men line up.
0:05:49 > 0:05:53A fierce battle rages and Captain Jack leads from the front,
0:05:53 > 0:05:56stabbing and shooting and knifing everybody.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59And after two hours the pirates are repelled.
0:05:59 > 0:06:03All the men are lying on the deck recovering from the battle.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06Tending their wounds. One crew member says to the other one,
0:06:06 > 0:06:10"Excuse me, how is it, every time there's a fight,
0:06:10 > 0:06:13"Captain Jack puts this red shirt on?"
0:06:14 > 0:06:17"Ah," his friend says,
0:06:17 > 0:06:20"the reason is, as you've noticed, Captain Jack leads from the front.
0:06:20 > 0:06:24"He wants everybody to be a big fighter like him.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27"And he wears the red shirt so if he gets injured or stabbed
0:06:27 > 0:06:30"you will not see the blood and you won't get disheartened
0:06:30 > 0:06:34"and fail and you will win the day like you did today."
0:06:34 > 0:06:36He said, "Crikey, that's very clever."
0:06:37 > 0:06:39Six days out of Durban.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41There's a shout from the crow's nest,
0:06:41 > 0:06:45"Five pirate ships on the port bow!"
0:06:45 > 0:06:48Captain Jack leaps on the deck.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51"How many?" He said, "Five pirate ships."
0:06:51 > 0:06:54Captain Jack shouts, "Bring forth my brown trousers."
0:07:00 > 0:07:04Old woman has two monkeys and they die and she's dead upset.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06And her mate says, "Why don't you take them to the taxidermist?"
0:07:06 > 0:07:08And she says, "Oh, that's a good idea."
0:07:08 > 0:07:10Takes them to the taxidermist.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13She says, "I want them stuffed." He says, "Do you want them mounting?"
0:07:13 > 0:07:15She says, "Oh, no, just holding hands will do."
0:07:18 > 0:07:21A mate of mine bought a house in Childwall.
0:07:21 > 0:07:25Childwall was the posh part of Liverpool before they built Garston.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28Moved into the house and a neighbour came to see how he was getting on.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31He said, "Everything all right?" He said, "The house is fine
0:07:31 > 0:07:34"but I can't stand that privet hedge at the front of the garden."
0:07:34 > 0:07:36He said, "That's coming out."
0:07:36 > 0:07:39He said, "You can't do anything about that." He said, "Why not?"
0:07:39 > 0:07:41He said, "It's got a preservation order on it, it's a
0:07:41 > 0:07:44"protected species. You've got to leave that in."
0:07:44 > 0:07:47He says, "Oh, it's coming out, no messing." And out it went.
0:07:47 > 0:07:51A week later there's a knock on the door - council officer.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53"Where's the hedge gone?" He says, "I've taken it out."
0:07:53 > 0:07:57"Protected species." He says, "I don't bloody care, it's gone."
0:07:57 > 0:08:00He said, "Here."
0:08:00 > 0:08:02"Magistrate's court the following week."
0:08:02 > 0:08:05Goes up in front of the magistrate, magistrate says,
0:08:05 > 0:08:08"We can't have any of this, you're damaging the environment.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11He said, "You go to prison for six weeks."
0:08:11 > 0:08:12Went off to Waltham.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14Got in his cell.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17He sat there and this big fella, six foot 12,
0:08:17 > 0:08:20built like a brick outhouse, comes in.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23"You're my new cell-mate, are you?" "Yes."
0:08:23 > 0:08:26"How long are you in for?" He said, "Six weeks."
0:08:26 > 0:08:28He said, "What for?"
0:08:28 > 0:08:31He said, "I pulled down a privet hedge that was protected.
0:08:31 > 0:08:35"How long are you in for?" He said, "15 years."
0:08:35 > 0:08:37He said, "What for?" He said, "Rape."
0:08:37 > 0:08:40He said, "You must have had acres of it!"
0:08:43 > 0:08:46You know, it's useful now, I don't know whether you're aware,
0:08:46 > 0:08:50you can call in to the chemist now for medical advice on,
0:08:50 > 0:08:53you know, routine minor matters.
0:08:53 > 0:08:54I called in our local chemist.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58I said, "Have you got a cure for hiccups?"
0:08:58 > 0:09:02He went like that - whack! Hit me straight in the face.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04I said, "What did you do that for?"
0:09:04 > 0:09:07He said, "Sudden shock cures hiccups."
0:09:07 > 0:09:10He says, "You haven't got hiccups any more, have you?"
0:09:10 > 0:09:11I said, "I never had hiccups,
0:09:11 > 0:09:15"it's the wife in the car who's got the hiccups."
0:09:15 > 0:09:17I said, "While I'm here, I'd like a comb."
0:09:17 > 0:09:20He said, "Do you want a steel one?" I said, "No, I'll buy it."
0:09:20 > 0:09:22He was getting a bit cheeky.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24Just then two little lads came in.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27One's about seven, the other's about four.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29Chemist says, "What do you want, boys?"
0:09:29 > 0:09:32Seven-year-old said, "Packet of tampons, please."
0:09:33 > 0:09:35Chemist said, "Pardon?"
0:09:35 > 0:09:38He said, "Packet of tampons, please."
0:09:38 > 0:09:42Chemist said, "Do you know what these are for?"
0:09:42 > 0:09:44He said, "Well, no, not really
0:09:44 > 0:09:48"but we saw the advert on the telly last night and apparently with these
0:09:48 > 0:09:52"you can ride a bike and swim and at the moment he can't do any of them."
0:09:54 > 0:09:58What does a Manchester girl use for protection when she's having sex?
0:09:58 > 0:09:59A bus shelter.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04I walked into a tailor's in Liverpool cos I had a few quid
0:10:04 > 0:10:07and I said, "Where's the cheapest suit in the shop?"
0:10:07 > 0:10:10The fella said, "You're wearing it."
0:10:10 > 0:10:12Jimmy's wife said to him,
0:10:12 > 0:10:16and she's pregnant, she said, "You know what? I fancy something.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18"I just feel like some snails."
0:10:18 > 0:10:21He said, "Where am I going to get some snails from?"
0:10:21 > 0:10:23She said, "Go down the market, they sell them there."
0:10:23 > 0:10:24So he went down the market.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27He said to the fishmonger, "Do you sell snails?"
0:10:27 > 0:10:29And the fella said, "Yeah, we sell them in jells."
0:10:29 > 0:10:31He said, "Give us two jells of snails, will you?"
0:10:31 > 0:10:33He put them in a brown paper bag.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35And as he's walking out the market he hears a voice saying,
0:10:35 > 0:10:37"All right, Jimmy?"
0:10:37 > 0:10:40He looks round and one of his mates said,
0:10:40 > 0:10:42"We've been talking about you for ages.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44"All the lads are down the pub. Come and have word with them.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46"Won't take long."
0:10:46 > 0:10:49So he said, "Nah, can't, I've got to get this back to the Mrs."
0:10:49 > 0:10:52He said, "Come on, for five minutes, have one."
0:10:52 > 0:10:55Five hours later, he's walking up the pathway.
0:10:57 > 0:11:01And he catches the brown bag on the roses
0:11:01 > 0:11:03and all the snails fell on the floor.
0:11:03 > 0:11:07And then the door opens and she's standing there like that.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10And he looked at her and looked at the snails and went,
0:11:10 > 0:11:13"Come on, lads, not far to go now."
0:11:18 > 0:11:20Lord Derby had great difficulty
0:11:20 > 0:11:23when he wanted to open a wonderful safari park.
0:11:23 > 0:11:27They sent an inspector down from London that put every
0:11:27 > 0:11:28difficulty in his way.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31He said, "What about tigers?"
0:11:31 > 0:11:35Lord Derby said, "We have vets with Taser guns."
0:11:35 > 0:11:38"He said, "What about stampede?"
0:11:38 > 0:11:42"He said, "We have electrified fence all round the park
0:11:42 > 0:11:45"and the gates are automatic."
0:11:45 > 0:11:51He said, "Well, what if one of these big, life-size baboons climbed
0:11:51 > 0:11:55"over the gate and got loose amongst the people, the Scousers?" He said,
0:11:55 > 0:11:59"He'll just have to take his life in his hands like everybody else."
0:12:08 > 0:12:11Tiger Woods was at Royal Birkdale.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13And all the crowd are round, obviously,
0:12:13 > 0:12:15the name Tiger Woods, he's very popular.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18And there's a little Scouser standing there
0:12:18 > 0:12:20with his hands in his pockets.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22And Tiger's teed the ball up.
0:12:22 > 0:12:26And next thing you hear, "And Tiger Woods on the tee."
0:12:26 > 0:12:28So all the signs go up - "Quiet please".
0:12:28 > 0:12:29Addresses the ball.
0:12:31 > 0:12:35Hits it and shanks it right to the right and everyone gasps.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37And then it's total silence.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39And this little Scouser just went...
0:12:39 > 0:12:41HE TUTS
0:12:41 > 0:12:42HE EXHALES
0:12:42 > 0:12:44And it put Tiger right off.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47Every shot, he's hitting it into the rough, all the way round,
0:12:47 > 0:12:50and after nine holes he packs it in.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52And he calls over to this bloke.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55He says, "Excuse me, sir, do you know about the game of golf?"
0:12:55 > 0:12:57He said, "Have you ever played it?"
0:12:57 > 0:13:00He said, "Would you like to come and have a go on the par 3?"
0:13:00 > 0:13:03"Yeah, I don't mind." So he takes him over.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05Gives him a few tips on how to address the ball
0:13:05 > 0:13:06and how to hold the club.
0:13:06 > 0:13:10He said, "What do I do now?" He said, "Hit the ball down there."
0:13:10 > 0:13:12Without a practice shot...
0:13:12 > 0:13:13Whoof!
0:13:13 > 0:13:15Right down the middle.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18So they're walking up and as they get to the tee,
0:13:18 > 0:13:21tiger takes his hat off and scratches his head.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24Can't believe it. The ball's three inches from the pin.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27So the Scouser says, "What do I do now?"
0:13:27 > 0:13:29He said, "You put it in the hole."
0:13:29 > 0:13:31He said, "Why didn't you say that back there?"
0:13:34 > 0:13:38Anyway, the other day my wife said to me, "I'd like a boob job.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40"I'd like a set of bigger boobs."
0:13:40 > 0:13:42I said, "Oh, go away, we can't afford that."
0:13:43 > 0:13:45She says, "Well, what do you suggest?" I said,
0:13:45 > 0:13:50"Well, why not rub toilet tissue up and down your cleavage twice a day?"
0:13:50 > 0:13:53She said, "Will that work?" I said, "Well, it did for your arse."
0:13:56 > 0:13:57Sorry!
0:13:57 > 0:14:00Doctor takes a practice in munchkin land.
0:14:02 > 0:14:08End of the rainbow. And this little munchkin comes in.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10And he says to the doctor,
0:14:10 > 0:14:14"Can I come to you for treatment?" And the doctor says,
0:14:14 > 0:14:18"Yeah, but you'll just have to be a little patient." And, uh...
0:14:20 > 0:14:23Next one comes in is a toad.
0:14:25 > 0:14:29And he says, "I hope you're not going to croak on me."
0:14:29 > 0:14:30And the toad says,
0:14:30 > 0:14:36"No, I've come to tell you that my penis has turned yellow."
0:14:38 > 0:14:41So he says, "I've never seen a toad with a yellow penis before.
0:14:41 > 0:14:45"You'll just have to go to the Wizard of Oz.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47"He might be able to cure you."
0:14:47 > 0:14:50So off the toad goes.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52And the next one to come in is a fairy
0:14:52 > 0:14:56with pink spots all over her face and he says,
0:14:56 > 0:14:58"I can't help you, either.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01"I've never seen a fairy with pink spots."
0:15:01 > 0:15:05He says, "You'll just have to go and see the Wizard of Oz, too."
0:15:05 > 0:15:06And the fairy said, "Where's he?"
0:15:07 > 0:15:12And the doctor says, "Oh, just follow the yellow brick toad."
0:15:17 > 0:15:20Old fella lives next door to me and he knocked on our house last week.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23He said, "Hi, Freda, when you decorated your living room
0:15:23 > 0:15:26"how many rolls of wallpaper did you get?"
0:15:26 > 0:15:28I said, "I got nine." He said, "Oh, that's good.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31"I was thinking of doing my own this week, you know?"
0:15:31 > 0:15:32I said, "Fair enough."
0:15:32 > 0:15:36So away he goes and gets the nine rolls of wallpaper
0:15:36 > 0:15:37and he came back and he said,
0:15:37 > 0:15:39"Freda, I got the nine rolls of wallpaper
0:15:39 > 0:15:42"but it didn't take nine, I've got three over." I said, "So have I."
0:15:48 > 0:15:51Oh, Liverpool. Lovely people.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53Prostitute goes to the doctor's.
0:15:53 > 0:15:54She says, "I think I'm pregnant."
0:15:54 > 0:15:56Doctor said, "Do you know who the father is?"
0:15:56 > 0:15:58She said, "I'm not being funny, doctor,
0:15:58 > 0:16:01"but if you ate a tin of beans would you know which one made you fart?"
0:16:05 > 0:16:08I was lying in bed with the wife the other week.
0:16:08 > 0:16:09There was a knock on the front door.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12And she said, "I wonder who that is." Well,
0:16:12 > 0:16:15that's kind of wife speak for, "Get up and answer the door."
0:16:15 > 0:16:19So I went downstairs, answered the door. It's a fella outside.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21He said, "Any chance of a push?"
0:16:21 > 0:16:24So I said, "It's half past two in the morning."
0:16:24 > 0:16:27I said, "Go away." Or words to that effect, you know?
0:16:27 > 0:16:28And went back to bed.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31So I got into bed and the wife said, "Who was that?"
0:16:31 > 0:16:33I said, "A fella looking for a push."
0:16:33 > 0:16:36She said, "Don't you feel guilty?" I said, "Guilty about what?"
0:16:36 > 0:16:39She said, "Remember when we were out of town a couple of months ago
0:16:39 > 0:16:41"and we broke down, ran out of petrol?
0:16:41 > 0:16:43"And this fella, perfect stranger,
0:16:43 > 0:16:45"he gave us a push to the petrol station."
0:16:47 > 0:16:51OK. So I went downstairs again, opened the front door.
0:16:51 > 0:16:55Shouted out, "Are you still there?" He said, "Yeah."
0:16:55 > 0:16:57I said, "You still need a push?" He said, "Yeah."
0:16:57 > 0:16:59I said, "Where are you?"
0:16:59 > 0:17:01He said, "I'm over here on your garden swing."
0:17:06 > 0:17:12I want to tell you about the Scouse lad who emigrated to Australia
0:17:12 > 0:17:14and bought a farm in the outback.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17He'd been there about a fortnight.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19And he gets a telephone call.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21He picks it up and he says, "Who's that?"
0:17:21 > 0:17:24And this voice said, "Hello, I'm your next door neighbour."
0:17:24 > 0:17:27He said, "Live on a farm 50 mile up the road
0:17:27 > 0:17:29but I'm your nearest neighbour.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32Just heard that you moved in to Oz and I thought I'd ring you up
0:17:32 > 0:17:36and welcome you to Oz and hope you enjoy your stay here."
0:17:36 > 0:17:39So he said, "If everyone's as friendly as you I'm bound to."
0:17:39 > 0:17:43"Ah, no worries. Listen, what you doing Saturday night?" So he said,
0:17:43 > 0:17:46"I haven't got any plans for Saturday night." So he said, "How do you
0:17:46 > 0:17:52"fancy coming over to my place for a real Australian barbie?" So he went,
0:17:52 > 0:17:54"Lovely, thanks very much. About what time?"
0:17:54 > 0:17:57So he said, "About 7.30." So he said, "OK.
0:17:57 > 0:18:01"Just as a matter of interest, what is a real Australian barbie?"
0:18:01 > 0:18:04So he said, "Well, it's as much food as you can eat,
0:18:04 > 0:18:07"as much of the amber nectar as you get down your throat,
0:18:07 > 0:18:11"as much sex as you can manage." And he went, "I'll have some of that, OK.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13"Any dress code?"
0:18:13 > 0:18:16"Nah, dress how you like, it's only going to be the two of us."
0:18:24 > 0:18:28A young married man who, failing to go home after work each night,
0:18:28 > 0:18:33is having a liaison with his beautiful secretary in a hotel.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36And one night when he's leaving the hotel, he discovers that the
0:18:36 > 0:18:40beautiful secretary has planted a great big lovebite on his neck.
0:18:40 > 0:18:45Driving home he's thinking, "How am I going to explain this away?"
0:18:45 > 0:18:48When he opens the door and walks down the hallway,
0:18:48 > 0:18:51a great big friendly dog comes up and jumps on him.
0:18:51 > 0:18:52Thinking instantly,
0:18:52 > 0:18:55he grabs his neck and he falls to the floor and he shouts,
0:18:55 > 0:18:59"Oh, God, you want to see what this dog's done to my neck!"
0:18:59 > 0:19:01And she comes out and she says,
0:19:01 > 0:19:03"You want to see what he's done to my tits."
0:19:12 > 0:19:14Lollipop ladies, they make me cross.
0:19:17 > 0:19:21It was entertainment night for the old folks in the village hall.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25And Claude, the hypnotist,
0:19:25 > 0:19:26took to the stage.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30And he explained what he was going to do.
0:19:30 > 0:19:35He said, "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm about to put you all into a trance.
0:19:37 > 0:19:38"Each and every one of you."
0:19:40 > 0:19:42And he put his hand into his coat pocket
0:19:42 > 0:19:46and he pulled out this beautiful fob watch
0:19:46 > 0:19:49on a silver chain.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52He said, "This has been in my family for over six generations.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56"And it does have a certain magic about it.
0:19:56 > 0:20:00"And what I'm going to do, I'm going to gently swing it backwards
0:20:00 > 0:20:02"and forwards and I want you to watch.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07"Watch the watch.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09"Watch the watch."
0:20:09 > 0:20:12And gradually the audience became mesmerised.
0:20:13 > 0:20:19And he makes his final swing and the chain broke.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21And the watch went hurtling towards the floor
0:20:21 > 0:20:23and smashed into hundreds of pieces.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25And he shouted, "Shit!"
0:20:25 > 0:20:27He was never allowed back in again.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35A man walked into a pub with a giraffe.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37He ordered a drink for the two of them,
0:20:37 > 0:20:39then the giraffe ordered a drink.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42And they were there all night and by that time they were bladdered.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44The giraffe ended up on the floor.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46So the fella said, "I've had enough, I'm going home."
0:20:46 > 0:20:49The barman said, "Hey, mate, what's that lying there?"
0:20:49 > 0:20:51He says, "It's not a lion, it's a giraffe."
0:20:53 > 0:20:54Thank you.
0:20:54 > 0:20:58Do you know what? I bought some nice new aftershave the other week.
0:20:58 > 0:21:01It smells like breadcrumbs but the birds love it.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07Fella goes to the doctor's, he goes, "Bit embarrassing this, doctor."
0:21:09 > 0:21:12He said, "I'm a doctor, I've heard it all before. What is it?"
0:21:12 > 0:21:14He said, "It's me motions."
0:21:15 > 0:21:17He said, "What's up with your motions?"
0:21:17 > 0:21:20He said, "Well, they're not like ordinary motions."
0:21:22 > 0:21:24"He said, "What do you mean?"
0:21:24 > 0:21:26He said, "They're like chips."
0:21:26 > 0:21:28"Like chips?"
0:21:28 > 0:21:30He said, "Yeah, I looked down the pan,
0:21:30 > 0:21:33"it's like a load of burnt chips."
0:21:36 > 0:21:38Doctor says, "Let's have a look at you, get undressed."
0:21:38 > 0:21:40He gets undressed.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43He said, "All right, get dressed, there's nothing wrong with you."
0:21:43 > 0:21:46He said, "Nothing physically wrong with you but when you get home
0:21:46 > 0:21:49"ask your Mrs to chop six inches off the bottom of your strong vest."
0:21:58 > 0:21:59Young Liverpool lad goes to a pet shop.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02He says, "I've lost me Rottweiler, I need a pet.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04"I need a pet that befits my status in the community."
0:22:04 > 0:22:07Guy says, "I've got just the thing for you. Come in the back.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09"I've got a budgie." He says, "A budgie?"
0:22:09 > 0:22:11"Have a look, it's a Scouse budgie. It talks.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14"Go and have a look at it." Goes in the back. This budgie looks at him.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17Closes one eye and says, "I'm a Scouse budgie. Hard as nails.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20"No-one can beat me." He says, "I'll have it, I'll take it."
0:22:20 > 0:22:21Takes it home.
0:22:21 > 0:22:24Puts the cage on the mantelpiece, gets all his mates round.
0:22:24 > 0:22:25He says, "Look at this - me new pet."
0:22:25 > 0:22:27"A Budgie? A budgie's your new pet?"
0:22:27 > 0:22:30He said, "Listen to it. Go to the cage." They go to the cage.
0:22:30 > 0:22:34Look at it. The budgie says, "I'm a Scouse budgie, hard as nails.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37"Nobody beats me." His mate says, "You've got to test this budgie out.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40"Stick another budgie in there, see what happens." He says, "I will."
0:22:40 > 0:22:43Down the pet shop, "Want another budgie. I want to test me budgie out."
0:22:43 > 0:22:45"No, you're OK, test your budgie out."
0:22:45 > 0:22:48Another budgie. Puts it in the cage. Budgie looks at it like that.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51Budgie looks at it like that. This goes on for an hour, this standoff.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53He gets fed up, puts the cover on it and goes to bed.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55Gets up next morning, lifts the cover off -
0:22:55 > 0:22:57the budgie's dead at the bottom of the cage.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59Scouse budgie looks at him and says, "Told you. Scouse budgie.
0:22:59 > 0:23:03"Hard as nails. Nothing beats me." Tells his mates.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05His mate says, "You've got to test it a little bit more than that.
0:23:05 > 0:23:09"What's another budgie? Get something like a bird of prey."
0:23:09 > 0:23:11Back to the pet shop. "Got any birds of prey?"
0:23:11 > 0:23:12He said, "I've got a kestrel."
0:23:12 > 0:23:14He said, "That'll do, I'll put that in with it."
0:23:14 > 0:23:17Takes the kestrel out, puts it in the cage. Same stand-off.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20Budgie, kestrel, looking at each other. Nothing happening.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23Puts the cover on it. Thinks, "I give up." Goes to bed.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25Gets up the next morning, takes the cover off.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28Budgie's there, kestrel's... claws up, bottom of the cage.
0:23:28 > 0:23:32Budgie leans over, closes one eye, says, "Told you. Scouse budgie.
0:23:32 > 0:23:33"Hard as nails. Nothing beats me."
0:23:35 > 0:23:38He tells his mate. He said, "A kestrel? Get something really big."
0:23:38 > 0:23:40He said, "Like what?" He said, "An owl."
0:23:40 > 0:23:42He said, "Where will I get an owl from?"
0:23:42 > 0:23:44He said, "Safari park. Get over the wall, nick one.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46"You'll get away with it."
0:23:46 > 0:23:48Goes to the safari park, gets the owl, takes it back.
0:23:48 > 0:23:51The owl's massive, it's got big claws, big beak on it.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54Shoves it in the cage. The budgie's like this...
0:23:54 > 0:23:58Owl's like that. The stand-off continues about an hour and a half.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00Nothing's happening. Puts the cover on, goes to bed.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03That night he hears a commotion going on downstairs.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06The cage is getting rattled around. He thinks, "I'm down."
0:24:06 > 0:24:10He runs down, puts the lights on, whips the cover off the cage.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12The owl is at the bottom of the cage, dead.
0:24:12 > 0:24:17The budgie, on the perch, not a feather on it, bald as anything.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19Leans across and says to him,
0:24:19 > 0:24:21"Told you, I'm a Scouse budgie. Hard as nails.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23"But I had to take me coat off to that one."
0:24:27 > 0:24:31This little lad's just sitting on the kerb outside Waltham Prison.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33He's just playing round in the gutter and everything.
0:24:33 > 0:24:37Next thing, the big gates of Waltham Prison open up
0:24:37 > 0:24:40and this fella comes out and he goes,
0:24:40 > 0:24:45"I'm free! I'm free!" And the little lad goes, "Hey, Mr, I'm four."
0:24:50 > 0:24:53There was this woman and she went to her doctor and she said,
0:24:53 > 0:24:57"Listen, doc, I've got a bit of a problem on me women's bits."
0:24:57 > 0:25:00She said, "They're all hanging down and they need tidying up a bit."
0:25:00 > 0:25:02So the doctor said, "Not a problem."
0:25:02 > 0:25:05She said, "The only thing is I want it to be confidential.
0:25:05 > 0:25:06"Don't want nobody to know about it."
0:25:06 > 0:25:08Doctor said, "Nobody will know, don't worry."
0:25:08 > 0:25:11So he does the operation, he tidies her all up.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14And when she wakes up there's three roses on her pillow.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16And she goes mad at the doctor.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19She goes, "Doctor, I thought you said you weren't going to tell anyone."
0:25:19 > 0:25:22And the doctor said, "Don't worry. Look, the first rose is off me.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25"I knew you were having this operation on your own
0:25:25 > 0:25:28"so I thought I'd just make sure you knew we were OK with you.
0:25:28 > 0:25:32She said, "That's nice, that. Thanks. Who's the second rose off?"
0:25:32 > 0:25:35"He said, "That's off the nurse. She's had the same op.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37"And she knows what you're going through."
0:25:37 > 0:25:40And the woman said, "That's lovely, that."
0:25:40 > 0:25:42And she said, "Who's the third rose off?"
0:25:42 > 0:25:44He said, "It's off the fella upstairs in the burns unit
0:25:44 > 0:25:47"and he said thanks very much for the new ears."
0:25:53 > 0:25:57A couple of kids, banter with each other, who can fight who
0:25:57 > 0:25:58and everything else.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01And then he said, "I'll get me dad to batter you."
0:26:01 > 0:26:03So he said, "My dad can fight your dad." He said, "No, he can't.
0:26:04 > 0:26:07"Cos my dad works in a brewery and he can pick up a barrel
0:26:07 > 0:26:12"over his head and throw it onto the wagon."
0:26:12 > 0:26:16And the other fella said, "My dad can eat candles."
0:26:16 > 0:26:18"Oh, aye, have you seen him doing it?"
0:26:18 > 0:26:21He went, "No, but every night I hear him saying to me mum,
0:26:21 > 0:26:24"'Mary, blow the candles out, let's have a bit.'"
0:26:31 > 0:26:35A husband in work recently, and his mate said to him,
0:26:35 > 0:26:38"Going on holiday next week, do you want me to get you some ciggies?"
0:26:38 > 0:26:40He went, "Oh, yeah, go on."
0:26:40 > 0:26:41Went on holiday, come back.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43He went, "Here you are, here are your ciggies."
0:26:43 > 0:26:48And he went, "How much do I owe you?" He said, £540." And he went,
0:26:48 > 0:26:51"£540? Where did you go?" He said, "Torquay."
0:26:58 > 0:27:01We all have little phobias about our bits and pieces.
0:27:01 > 0:27:04We worry if they're sticking out or who can see the creases.
0:27:04 > 0:27:08One young lad asked his older mate, "How do I get the girls to look?"
0:27:08 > 0:27:09His mate said, "There's a special trick,
0:27:09 > 0:27:11"right here in my little black book.
0:27:11 > 0:27:13"If you want to make the girls all faint,
0:27:13 > 0:27:16"get a spud that looks the part.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18"Shove it down your cozzie, lad.
0:27:18 > 0:27:20"And then the fun'll start."
0:27:20 > 0:27:23The boy tried this without success.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25Girls thought it was a stunt.
0:27:25 > 0:27:28His mate said, "You're a silly boy, I meant put it down the front."
0:27:32 > 0:27:34Subtitles By Red Bee Media Ltd