0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:16 > 0:00:18Old Mrs Brown's husband died,
0:00:18 > 0:00:21and she went to see him in the chapel of rest.
0:00:21 > 0:00:23And she walked in, the undertaker said, "Hello, girl.
0:00:23 > 0:00:26"Come in and see him."
0:00:26 > 0:00:27So she went into this room
0:00:27 > 0:00:28and he opened the top of the casket
0:00:28 > 0:00:31and she looked in, and she went hysterical.
0:00:31 > 0:00:33She said, "He's been "a Liverpudlian all his life.
0:00:33 > 0:00:36"He can't go down with that... blue suit on.
0:00:36 > 0:00:39"If he was alive now, he'd kill himself."
0:00:39 > 0:00:41He said, "Don't worry, don't worry, darling.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44"He's going on Friday. You come and see him on Thursday night,
0:00:44 > 0:00:46"we'll have everything sorted."
0:00:46 > 0:00:48Thursday night came.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50And she walked into the chapel of rest and he said,
0:00:50 > 0:00:52"Come on, love, you're going to love this."
0:00:52 > 0:00:55And she walked in, he opened the casket,
0:00:55 > 0:00:57and he had this lovely tinge of red suit on.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59And she started to cry with happiness.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01And he said, "All right, love?"
0:01:01 > 0:01:03She said, "Oh, that's marvellous, that."
0:01:03 > 0:01:04She said, "Marvellous.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06"Where did you get that red suit from?"
0:01:06 > 0:01:08He said, "You see that casket over there, girl?"
0:01:08 > 0:01:11She said, "Yeah. Have you swapped the suits?"
0:01:11 > 0:01:12He said, "No. We just swapped the heads."
0:01:15 > 0:01:17Young fella goes to the chemist
0:01:17 > 0:01:19and he asks the assistant for some deodorant.
0:01:19 > 0:01:22The assistant says, "Would you like the ball type?"
0:01:22 > 0:01:24He says, "No, just the underarm will do."
0:01:26 > 0:01:28There was a fella stopped for speeding.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31And this cop is approaching the car.
0:01:31 > 0:01:35And the driver's got a dog on the front seat.
0:01:35 > 0:01:38And the driver is hitting the dog on the nose.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40And the cop went, "Listen, you,
0:01:40 > 0:01:42"I'm not only having you for speeding,
0:01:42 > 0:01:45"I'm having you for cruelty to an animal as well."
0:01:45 > 0:01:48And the driver says, "Come on, hey, come on, give us a break, will you?"
0:01:48 > 0:01:51He said, "If that dog had just done to you what it did to me,
0:01:51 > 0:01:53"you'd be hitting it on the nose."
0:01:53 > 0:01:57And the copper says, "Well, go on, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt, what's it done?"
0:01:57 > 0:02:00He said, "I'll you what he's done. He's just eaten me tax disc."
0:02:02 > 0:02:05Two medical students going back to their digs,
0:02:05 > 0:02:07one o'clock in the morning.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09They see an elderly gentleman coming towards them.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14"Spondylitis.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17"No, he's not, he's got chronic rheumatic arthritis.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19"Nah, definitely spondylitis.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22"Bet you a fiver, chronic rheumatic arthritis."
0:02:22 > 0:02:25Old fella's coming towards them.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28"Excuse me, sir, we're students at the local medical college,
0:02:28 > 0:02:30"I believe you've got spondylitis,
0:02:30 > 0:02:33"my friend here think's you've got chronic rheumatic arthritis.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36"A-ha", said the old gentleman.
0:02:36 > 0:02:40"I was at that same college many, many years ago.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43"You think it's spondylitis.
0:02:43 > 0:02:44"Let me tell you,
0:02:44 > 0:02:46"you're wrong.
0:02:46 > 0:02:50"You, you think it's chronic rheumatic arthritis.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53"Let me tell you that you're also wrong.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55"I thought this was a fart.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57"I was wrong."
0:03:01 > 0:03:04Right, a little boy playing with his train set in the living room -
0:03:04 > 0:03:06choo, choo, choo, choo, choo
0:03:06 > 0:03:09while Mum's in the kitchen doing pots.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12Choo, choo, choo, choo, choo.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15The train stops and the little boys says,
0:03:15 > 0:03:19"This is Liverpool Lime Street, please disembark here
0:03:19 > 0:03:22"and please move your arse - we haven't got all day."
0:03:22 > 0:03:24And the mother goes,
0:03:24 > 0:03:28"Excuse me, this swearing, you get up to your room for two hours.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31"Don't dare come down until them two hours have passed."
0:03:31 > 0:03:34When the two hours have gone the little boy comes down and says,
0:03:34 > 0:03:35"Can I play with me train set?"
0:03:35 > 0:03:39She said, "Yes. But remember what I said - no swearing."
0:03:39 > 0:03:42Choo, choo, choo, choo, choo.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45"This is Liverpool Lime Street going to London,
0:03:45 > 0:03:48"please note all the carriages are non-smoking
0:03:48 > 0:03:50"and we do hope that you enjoyed your journey."
0:03:50 > 0:03:52So, the mother goes...
0:03:52 > 0:03:54And then the little boy continues.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57"And if you want to know why this train is two hours late,
0:03:57 > 0:03:59"see the bitch in the kitch..."
0:04:05 > 0:04:08I was on holiday in North America many years ago
0:04:08 > 0:04:11and I went to this Native American reservation.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14The chief of this particular tribe is reputed to have
0:04:14 > 0:04:16the finest memory in the world.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18There was nothing he didn't know,
0:04:18 > 0:04:20and that that he did know he never forgot.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22And I was lucky enough to be able to go and see him
0:04:22 > 0:04:26and I walked into his wigwam and there he was
0:04:26 > 0:04:28sitting cross-legged on a blanket on the floor.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30He said, "How." And I said, "How."
0:04:30 > 0:04:33He said, "You have question?" I said, "Yes.
0:04:33 > 0:04:37"Who won the 1965 Cup final at Wembley Stadium?"
0:04:37 > 0:04:40Without hesitation he said, "Liverpool."
0:04:40 > 0:04:44I thought, "That's fantastic. What a memory. Brilliant."
0:04:44 > 0:04:48Three years later, I'm back in the same area on business
0:04:48 > 0:04:50and I go to see him.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53And I walk into the tent and I go, "How." He said,
0:04:53 > 0:04:55"Ian St John, diving header."
0:04:58 > 0:05:01These three fellas get lost in the jungle.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04And they just lost their way and everything.
0:05:04 > 0:05:09Next thing, these female savages come along and they go,
0:05:09 > 0:05:11"Right, we've captured you.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14"And what we're going to do is we're going to...
0:05:16 > 0:05:22.."cut off your penis to what description your jobs are."
0:05:22 > 0:05:27So, the first fella comes up, they go, "What was your job?"
0:05:27 > 0:05:29He said, "I was a lumberjack."
0:05:29 > 0:05:31"Well, you're getting your penis chopped off."
0:05:31 > 0:05:35The second fella comes up and they go, "Eh, what was your job?"
0:05:35 > 0:05:36He says, "I was a butcher."
0:05:36 > 0:05:38Said, "You're getting yours sliced off."
0:05:38 > 0:05:42And the third fella is just in a heap laughing.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44And the girl goes, "What's the matter with you?
0:05:44 > 0:05:46"Why are you laughing?"
0:05:46 > 0:05:48He says, "I worked for Dyson."
0:05:55 > 0:05:58A little village in Wales,
0:05:58 > 0:06:00and the mother says to the young son, she says,
0:06:00 > 0:06:03"You're 29 years of age,
0:06:03 > 0:06:06"now, it's about time you was thinking of getting married
0:06:06 > 0:06:08"and leaving this house with someone."
0:06:08 > 0:06:12He said, "Well, Mam, I never know what to say with girls,
0:06:12 > 0:06:15you know, I'm always shy, tongue-tied."
0:06:15 > 0:06:18She said, "There's young Blodwen next door, lovely girl.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21"Say the next thing that comes into your head when you see her.
0:06:21 > 0:06:25"Right, OK, Mam." The following day he's in the garden
0:06:25 > 0:06:28and he sees Blodwen going into the toilet at the end of the garden.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30He things, "Right, this is it."
0:06:30 > 0:06:32When she comes out, he says, "Afternoon."
0:06:32 > 0:06:34She says, "Afternoon."
0:06:34 > 0:06:36He says, "Went for a shit, have you?"
0:06:44 > 0:06:48There was this young couple, they'd not been married very long...
0:06:48 > 0:06:50about a year, you know.
0:06:50 > 0:06:55And the husband was with the MD.
0:06:55 > 0:06:59And the MD said, "Well, I've listened to your problem."
0:06:59 > 0:07:03He said, "You're saying you can't conceive,
0:07:03 > 0:07:07"and yet you and your wife are both perfect -
0:07:07 > 0:07:10"she has the right amount of eggs, you have the right amount of sperm."
0:07:10 > 0:07:15He said, "It could be that you're not doing things the right way."
0:07:16 > 0:07:18And he said, "What do you mean?"
0:07:18 > 0:07:21He said, "You know, there's a whole subject on this.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23"All the different positions."
0:07:23 > 0:07:26He said, "Let me tell you one of the easiest ones to do,
0:07:26 > 0:07:28"and which has the greatest of satisfaction."
0:07:28 > 0:07:31He said, "You can use the wheelbarrow technique."
0:07:31 > 0:07:33He said, "What's that?" He said, "Well, you get both
0:07:33 > 0:07:38"your wife's legs on either side of you and hold them under your arms.
0:07:38 > 0:07:43"And she gets onto her hands and you push her along." He says, "Lovely."
0:07:43 > 0:07:46So he goes home and he tells his wife and she says,
0:07:46 > 0:07:48"Oh, sounds sexy."
0:07:48 > 0:07:52He said, "Well, shall do it?" She says, "Yes, but on two conditions."
0:07:52 > 0:07:56He said, "What's that?" She said, "One - you'll stop if it hurts.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58"And I don't want you to push me past me mother's."
0:08:04 > 0:08:0740 Scousers...somehow
0:08:07 > 0:08:10end up at the pearly gates.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12Saint Peter comes out.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15And he said, "How did you lot get up here?"
0:08:15 > 0:08:17He said,
0:08:17 > 0:08:20"We have a problem at the moment - there's only room for 12.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23"I'll see what I can do. I'll go and ask God."
0:08:23 > 0:08:27So he tootles off... God.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29He comes back.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31Scratching his head,
0:08:31 > 0:08:33"Eh, hm."
0:08:33 > 0:08:35So he goes back to God.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38He said, "God, you'll never believe this.
0:08:38 > 0:08:39"They've gone."
0:08:39 > 0:08:42God said, "All 40 of them?"
0:08:42 > 0:08:44He said, "No, the gates."
0:08:48 > 0:08:50There's a little boy, in the school holidays,
0:08:50 > 0:08:52he doesn't know what to do,
0:08:52 > 0:08:55so he builds a den in his parents' wardrobe.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58And one afternoon, he's in the wardrobe
0:08:58 > 0:09:02and his mother is in the bedroom with a fella who's not her husband.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06And in the middle of it all the downstairs door slams.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08She says, "Oh, my God!"
0:09:08 > 0:09:10She says, "Me husband is home early."
0:09:10 > 0:09:13Fella says, "What am I going to do?" She says, "Hide in the wardrobe.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15"Get your clothes, hide in the wardrobe."
0:09:15 > 0:09:18So he gets his clothes and he hides in the wardrobe
0:09:18 > 0:09:20and he closes it, she says to him, "I'll get rid of him.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22"I'll tell him we've got to go to the shops.
0:09:22 > 0:09:26"Soon as we've gone, you sneak out." He says, "OK." Closes the door.
0:09:26 > 0:09:30He's in there, his heart is thumping away, he's naked
0:09:30 > 0:09:32and a bundle of clothes in his hand.
0:09:32 > 0:09:36All of a sudden a little voice says,
0:09:36 > 0:09:38"Isn't it dark in here?
0:09:38 > 0:09:39"Oh, God!" he said.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41"Who said that?"
0:09:41 > 0:09:43He said, "It's me, down here.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45"Isn't it dark in here?"
0:09:45 > 0:09:47He said, "Keep your voice down, will you?"
0:09:47 > 0:09:49He said, "Are you Father Christmas?"
0:09:49 > 0:09:51He said, "No, no, I'm not."
0:09:51 > 0:09:54He said, "I wrote to Father Christmas,
0:09:54 > 0:09:55"I asked him for a new skateboard,
0:09:55 > 0:09:59"and me mum said that I have to wait until Christmas.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02"Would you buy me a new skateboard?"
0:10:02 > 0:10:05He said, "No, certainly not. Now keep your voice down.
0:10:05 > 0:10:06"All right", he said.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09"I'll go and ask me dad and see what he says?" No, no, no, come back.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11"Come back. All right, all right, all right."
0:10:11 > 0:10:14And he emptied his wallet and gave him all the money, he said,
0:10:14 > 0:10:17"That will get you a skateboard, now, please, be quiet."
0:10:17 > 0:10:19Anyway, the incident passed by and the weekend,
0:10:19 > 0:10:21he's out playing on his new skateboard.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24His mother said, "Where did you get that?"
0:10:24 > 0:10:27She said, "That skateboard, where did you get that skateboard?"
0:10:27 > 0:10:30He said, "A man bought it for me."
0:10:30 > 0:10:32She said, "You little liar."
0:10:32 > 0:10:34She said, "You stole that.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36"I told you before." She grabbed him by the ear and she dragged him
0:10:36 > 0:10:38round the corner to the church.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41Took him down the aisle to the confession box, she opened the door,
0:10:41 > 0:10:44she threw him inside, she said, "Confess your sins,"
0:10:44 > 0:10:45and she slammed the door.
0:10:45 > 0:10:49When he got into the confession box, he said, "Isn't it dark in here."
0:10:49 > 0:10:52And the voice said, "Don't you bloody start that again."
0:10:55 > 0:10:58It was on the mountains, yes, yes.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00And this...
0:11:01 > 0:11:03..mother says to her son,
0:11:03 > 0:11:06"Where's your pa, son?"
0:11:07 > 0:11:08And her son says,
0:11:08 > 0:11:11"Why, he's in the barn, Ma."
0:11:12 > 0:11:14And the mother says,
0:11:14 > 0:11:18"What's he doing in the barn, son?"
0:11:18 > 0:11:19And the son said,
0:11:19 > 0:11:22"He's hanging by the neck, Ma."
0:11:24 > 0:11:26So, his mother says,
0:11:26 > 0:11:29"Well, did you cut him down, son?"
0:11:29 > 0:11:31And he says, "No, Ma."
0:11:32 > 0:11:35"Why didn't you cut him down, son?"
0:11:35 > 0:11:37"Well, he wasn't dead yet."
0:11:43 > 0:11:46This fella goes in this bar.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49He goes up to the bar and he's like that...
0:11:49 > 0:11:52Young barman goes towards him and he says, "Can I help you, sir?"
0:11:52 > 0:11:54He says, "Whoa, yeah."
0:11:54 > 0:11:58He said, "Could you get us a large brandy, please."
0:11:58 > 0:12:02The barman rushes over, gives him his drink. So he goes...
0:12:02 > 0:12:04Knocks it right back.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07Goes, "Blimey, that's a bit better, that."
0:12:07 > 0:12:10He says, "Could you make me another one."
0:12:10 > 0:12:13Barman says, "Course." Goes, "Make that a treble."
0:12:17 > 0:12:22"Oh," he says, "That's a hell of a lot better, that."
0:12:22 > 0:12:25He says, "I think one more should just about sort me out."
0:12:25 > 0:12:27Barman says, "Give it here, sir."
0:12:27 > 0:12:29Gives him it.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31Knocks that back.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34He says, "That's brilliant. I feel a lot better now."
0:12:34 > 0:12:36The young lad says to him,
0:12:36 > 0:12:39"You looked terrible when you come in, sir."
0:12:39 > 0:12:42He said, "You know, if you had what I've got, you'd feel terrible."
0:12:42 > 0:12:44He said, "What have you got, sir?"
0:12:44 > 0:12:46He said, "I've got no money."
0:12:51 > 0:12:54This Scottish fella, he's got three daughters.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56Standing there and he says,
0:12:56 > 0:12:59"Oh, lassie, where are you going tonight?"
0:12:59 > 0:13:02She says, "Daddy, "I'm going out with Dennis for tennis."
0:13:02 > 0:13:05He says, "Oh, that's lovely. Dennis for tennis."
0:13:05 > 0:13:09Says to the other daughter, "Where are you going tonight?" She says,
0:13:09 > 0:13:11"I'm going out with Rolf for golf."
0:13:11 > 0:13:14He says, "Oh, that's lovely. Rolf for golf."
0:13:14 > 0:13:17Says to the other one, "Where are you going?" She says,
0:13:17 > 0:13:21"I'm going out with Chuck to..." He says, "You're going nowhere."
0:13:26 > 0:13:281956,
0:13:28 > 0:13:30Anthony Eden - Prime Minister,
0:13:30 > 0:13:31Suez Crisis.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33All getting called up.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36Me and my mate Fred Cox got sent down to Aldershot.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39Now, Fred was the luckiest fella you could ever come across.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41Anything that was happening, it went Fred's way.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44We get down to Aldershot.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46Get our kit, get sorted out.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49And they said, "Right, we're going to put you up in the town.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52You're not going off barrack room accommodation, we'll line you all up,
0:13:52 > 0:13:55we'll march you down into town and we'll billet you.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58So, lucky Fred Cox, he comes with us,
0:13:58 > 0:14:00we get in, go down, march into town.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02Stopped at the first house, officer knocked on the door
0:14:02 > 0:14:07and this old woman of about 90 come out, "Yes, what can I do for you?"
0:14:07 > 0:14:09He says, "We're billeting the troops out for Suez.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11"How many can you take?
0:14:11 > 0:14:14"Oh", she says, "I can only take one."
0:14:14 > 0:14:17We all thought, "Oh, that's it, that's us."
0:14:17 > 0:14:22Sergeant Major says, "Private Cox, pick up your bags, in you go."
0:14:24 > 0:14:27At last it's not gone his way.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29Marched on, got to the next house.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32All halted. Officer knocks on the door.
0:14:32 > 0:14:36This gorgeous blonde. Oh, she was lovely.
0:14:36 > 0:14:41She opened the door, she's got a slinky, see-through negligee on.
0:14:41 > 0:14:45"We're billeting the troops out for Suez, how many can you take?"
0:14:45 > 0:14:48She said, "How many have you got?
0:14:48 > 0:14:50"How many have we got, Sergeant Major?"
0:14:50 > 0:14:53"23 without Cox," and she closed the bloody door.
0:14:56 > 0:14:57This is sad.
0:14:57 > 0:15:01A guy came home from work and he's met on the driveway by his neighbour.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04His neighbour said, "George, don't go in, something terrible has happened."
0:15:04 > 0:15:06He said, "What is it?"
0:15:06 > 0:15:08He said, "It's your wife."
0:15:08 > 0:15:10He said, "Me wife? What about me wife?"
0:15:10 > 0:15:12He said, "I had to tell you, she's...
0:15:12 > 0:15:15"She's gone and hung herself on the washing line.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19"Oh," he said, "That's terrible.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21"I haven't got a key."
0:15:25 > 0:15:27He said, "I'm going to have to go round to our Emma's to get a key."
0:15:27 > 0:15:29He said, "Will you do ma a favour?"
0:15:29 > 0:15:32He said, "George, I'll do anything for you."
0:15:33 > 0:15:37He said, "While I'm away, if it starts to rain...
0:15:38 > 0:15:39"..will you take her in?"
0:15:42 > 0:15:45This fella goes for a job, see, and the fella says,
0:15:45 > 0:15:47"And what's your name?"
0:15:47 > 0:15:48He says, "Mack."
0:15:48 > 0:15:50He said, "Look, pal, I've got to have your full name.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53"Your Christian name. Your surname. What's your name?" He says, "Mack."
0:15:53 > 0:15:55He says, "Last chance, pal,
0:15:55 > 0:15:57"if you don't tell me your full name you won't get the job."
0:15:57 > 0:16:00He said, "It will take a long time telling you the story."
0:16:00 > 0:16:01He said, "I've got plenty of time, tell us."
0:16:01 > 0:16:04He said, "When I left school, my name was John Thomas Mack Dangle.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07"Being very clever, I went in for doctoring and passed
0:16:07 > 0:16:10"and got my MD, so my name's John Thomas Mack Dangle MD.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13"Then being a very clever men, I got a BA.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15"John Thomas Mack Dangle MD BA.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18"Then the war broke out, being a bit of a lad, I won a VC.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20"John Thomas Mack Dangle MD BA VC.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23"The Queen found out I was getting a VC and gave me an MBE.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26"Now I'm John Thomas Mack Dangle MD BA VC MBE.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29"Then I went out to South America to drop the nuns and the monks
0:16:29 > 0:16:31"and that and the missionaries.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33"Got with a loose woman called VD.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36"So I'm now John Thomas Mack Dangle MD BA VC MBE VD.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39"When I come back after getting the VD, the Queen found out
0:16:39 > 0:16:40"and took my MBE.
0:16:40 > 0:16:44"Now I'm John Thomas Mack Dangle MD BA VC VD.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47"Then the war office found out I got VD and they took my VC.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50"Now I'm John Thomas Mack Dangle MD BA VD.
0:16:50 > 0:16:54"Then the Bachelor of Arts found out I got the VD and took my BA.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56"John Thomas Mack Dangle MD VD.
0:16:56 > 0:17:00"Then the doctoring found out I got the VD and took off me MD.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03"So my name's John Thomas Mack Dangle VD.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06"Well, my VD took off my John Thomas and I've got nothing to dangle
0:17:06 > 0:17:07"so they just call me Mack."
0:17:14 > 0:17:16Kid goes for a job on a building site
0:17:16 > 0:17:19and the foreman says to him, "Can you do electrics?"
0:17:19 > 0:17:20He said, "No."
0:17:20 > 0:17:22He said, "Can you lay bricks?"
0:17:22 > 0:17:23He said, "No."
0:17:23 > 0:17:25He said, "How about plumbing?"
0:17:25 > 0:17:27He said, "I haven't got a clue."
0:17:27 > 0:17:29He said, "Well, can you make the tea?"
0:17:29 > 0:17:30He said, "Yeah, I can make the tea."
0:17:30 > 0:17:33He said, "Can you drive a forklift truck?"
0:17:33 > 0:17:34He said, "How big is the tea bag?"
0:17:37 > 0:17:40Two dockers coming off work.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43Walks past the security and the guy says to him,
0:17:43 > 0:17:46"What's that package under your arm?" He said, "It's me dinner."
0:17:46 > 0:17:48He went...
0:17:48 > 0:17:51"It's ticking." He said, "It's not, it's turkey."
0:17:55 > 0:17:58Man rushes into the local job centre and he says...
0:17:59 > 0:18:01.."Hi, I'm here for a job."
0:18:02 > 0:18:04The man behind the counter says,
0:18:04 > 0:18:07"That's amazing.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09"You've just come in time."
0:18:09 > 0:18:14He said, "There's a job - a multimillionaire wants
0:18:14 > 0:18:16"a chauffeur/bodyguard
0:18:16 > 0:18:19"to look after his two nymphomaniac daughters.
0:18:20 > 0:18:24"The hours are long but the meals are included.
0:18:26 > 0:18:30"You may have to travel oversees with them on their holidays.
0:18:31 > 0:18:36"And the salary is 200,000 a year."
0:18:36 > 0:18:40The Scouser goes, "You're having me on." He says,
0:18:40 > 0:18:42"Well, you started it."
0:18:46 > 0:18:50There's an old Italian man in northern Italy, lives in Turin.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52And...
0:18:52 > 0:18:54he's thinking, "I'm getting 90 years of age,
0:18:54 > 0:18:56it's about time I made me peace.
0:18:56 > 0:18:57I'm not going to live for ever."
0:18:57 > 0:19:00So he went down to the local church, says to the priest,
0:19:00 > 0:19:02"I'd like to make a confession, father, you know.
0:19:02 > 0:19:03"Get something off me chest."
0:19:03 > 0:19:07So he says, "OK." "Well, it's 65 years since me last confession."
0:19:07 > 0:19:10So he says, "OK, what do you want to tell me?
0:19:10 > 0:19:11"Well, during the war,
0:19:11 > 0:19:15"this part of Germany, there's a lot of Gestapo."
0:19:15 > 0:19:18He said, "One day, a beautiful, young Jewish girl came to me
0:19:18 > 0:19:20"and said, will you hide me, please?
0:19:20 > 0:19:22"Will you hide me?"
0:19:22 > 0:19:23So he said, "I hid her in a loft."
0:19:23 > 0:19:26He said, "Well, there's nothing to confess there", he said,
0:19:26 > 0:19:28"you put both your lives in danger.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31"Well," he said, "There's more."
0:19:31 > 0:19:32"All right," he said.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35"This young Jewish, lovely girl, he said,
0:19:35 > 0:19:39"all she had were the clothes she stood up in, she was destitute.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42"She wanted to repay me in the worst possible way, she said, and
0:19:42 > 0:19:46"the only way she had to replay me, well, shall we say, sexual favours.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49"Oh, I see", he says. "Oh, yeah, he said. Every day.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51"Sometimes twice on a Sunday.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54So he said, "We were like it like a pair of rabbits."
0:19:54 > 0:19:56The priest said, "I get the idea, you know."
0:19:56 > 0:19:58So he said, the priest, after a moment,
0:19:58 > 0:20:00"Well, when people are thrown together
0:20:00 > 0:20:02"in times of adversity, times like those," he said,
0:20:02 > 0:20:06"they cling to each other for support," he said,
0:20:06 > 0:20:09"and really what you did, you saved that young girl's life.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11"Go away with a clear conscience."
0:20:11 > 0:20:13"Thank you, father," he said.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15"That's made my... Ah, you don't know what it's done for me.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18"One thing before I go, father," he said. "What's that?"
0:20:18 > 0:20:19He said, "When I get home,
0:20:19 > 0:20:21do you think I ought to tell her the war's over?"
0:20:27 > 0:20:31Two hats on a hat stand. One says to the other...
0:20:32 > 0:20:34.."You hang around here, I'll go on ahead."
0:20:38 > 0:20:40Woman goes into Liverpool Echo office.
0:20:41 > 0:20:45Her husband's passed away, she wants to put an obituary in.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48Girl behind the counter says, "It's £5 a word.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51"Blimey," she says, "That's a bit steep, that.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53"£5 a word."
0:20:53 > 0:20:56She said, "I haven't got a lot of money, like."
0:20:56 > 0:20:58She said, "Just put...
0:20:58 > 0:21:00"Sam Jones dead."
0:21:01 > 0:21:03Three words - 15 quid.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05Girl says, "No, we can't do that."
0:21:05 > 0:21:06"Can't do that.
0:21:06 > 0:21:09"For an obituary you've got to have a minimum of seven words.
0:21:10 > 0:21:11"Bloody hell", she says.
0:21:12 > 0:21:16"Seven words... Tell you what, put Sam Jones dead...
0:21:17 > 0:21:19.."golf clubs for sale."
0:21:23 > 0:21:25Pope's doing a tour of Ireland.
0:21:26 > 0:21:31Going round and he gets asked, "What do you think of County Down?
0:21:31 > 0:21:34He answers, "It was all right until Carol Vorderman left.
0:21:40 > 0:21:41Two blokes are sitting in a pub.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44One's confiding in the other.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46"Me wife, the other day, said to me,
0:21:46 > 0:21:48" 'you better get to the doctor's.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50" 'You're having a few problems in the bedroom department.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53" 'Go and see if you can get some of those pills to help you
0:21:53 > 0:21:55" 'stand to attention and all that.'
0:21:55 > 0:21:57"So you should have seen my wife's face when I got back -
0:21:57 > 0:21:59"devastated, she was."
0:21:59 > 0:22:01He went, "Why, why, what have you done?"
0:22:01 > 0:22:03He went, "I threw her a packet of slimming pills."
0:22:10 > 0:22:15Second world war, young Liverpool lad gets evacuated to the Wirral,
0:22:15 > 0:22:18posh part where I come from. Can't you tell by the accent?
0:22:18 > 0:22:22Anyway, he gets evacuated over to a butcher's shop on the Wirral.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25And he's put to work in the butcher's and the butcher trains him up.
0:22:25 > 0:22:29After two weeks, the butcher goes out one Saturday morning
0:22:29 > 0:22:31and leaves him in charge.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33Just then a big, posh car comes up.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36Outside, woman comes in, says,
0:22:36 > 0:22:40"Young man, I would like two Gressingham ducks, please."
0:22:40 > 0:22:42Liverpool lad, never heard of them,
0:22:42 > 0:22:46goes to the back of the shop, brings back two ducks.
0:22:46 > 0:22:47Anyway.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50Posh woman puts her hand inside the cavity of the duck and goes...
0:22:50 > 0:22:54"Young man, they're not Gressingham ducks, they're Norfolk ducks.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56"Bring me Gressingham ducks."
0:22:56 > 0:22:59Goes back into the back of the shop again, brings out two ducks,
0:22:59 > 0:23:00very confused.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02She puts her hand in the cavity of the duck again.
0:23:02 > 0:23:07"Young man, they're Aylesbury ducks, I want Gressingham ducks."
0:23:07 > 0:23:10He goes back into the shop, brings out two more ducks.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12Hand in the cavity.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14"Young man, they're mallard ducks.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16"It's obvious you're not from round here. Where are you from?"
0:23:16 > 0:23:18He drops his trousers, bends over and says,
0:23:18 > 0:23:20"You're the expert, you tell me."
0:23:22 > 0:23:24Nice to get away from home as well.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26I'm a bit cheesed off with the wife. She's always moaning,
0:23:26 > 0:23:28"Can me mother come down for the weekend?"
0:23:28 > 0:23:31I said, "Why?" She says, "She's freezing in the loft."
0:23:32 > 0:23:36This lady, she says to her husband, she said...
0:23:36 > 0:23:38"We've been married for 20 years,
0:23:38 > 0:23:41"and our sex life has absolutely gone down the drain."
0:23:41 > 0:23:43She says, "What we going to do?"
0:23:43 > 0:23:44She said, "I'll tell you what.
0:23:44 > 0:23:48"I'll go to the doctor's and see if he's got any remedies."
0:23:48 > 0:23:51So she goes to the doctor, explains to the doctor what's happing.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53He says, "Don't worry about it.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55"This happens all the time," he said.
0:23:56 > 0:24:01"When you go home tonight, when you go to bed, get a big electric fan.
0:24:01 > 0:24:06"Put it over the bed. The cool air, it will work."
0:24:06 > 0:24:07She says, "OK."
0:24:07 > 0:24:11She goes back home to her husband, tells him what's happened.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13Said, "We've got to get an electric fan."
0:24:13 > 0:24:16He said, "No, I'm not buying no electric fan."
0:24:16 > 0:24:19She said, "Well, we've got to have an electric fan."
0:24:19 > 0:24:20He said, "I'm not buying one."
0:24:20 > 0:24:24He said, "I'll tell you what I'll do," he said, "I'll get Paddy,
0:24:24 > 0:24:27"me mate from next door, and he can waft a towel over us.
0:24:27 > 0:24:28"Same thing," he said.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30So she said, "OK."
0:24:30 > 0:24:32So that night they got into bed and Paddy comes in,
0:24:32 > 0:24:34he's wafting the towel.
0:24:35 > 0:24:39She gets up, she says, "No, there's nothing happening, still the same."
0:24:40 > 0:24:45So she says, "I'll tell you what. Why don't we swap places.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47"Paddy over there with me and you get on the towel."
0:24:49 > 0:24:52He said, "OK, we'll have a go at that."
0:24:53 > 0:24:55So he gets out.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57He starts with the towel.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59After about five minutes she jumps up,
0:24:59 > 0:25:01"Marvellous, fantastic", she said.
0:25:01 > 0:25:05"Not had anything like this for 20 years."
0:25:05 > 0:25:09And he looks over at Paddy and says, "That's how you waft the towel."
0:25:14 > 0:25:17Marvellous, this age now, with the mobile phones and all that.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19I got a text the other week, that I'd won a few bob,
0:25:19 > 0:25:22and the text, read the text and it said,
0:25:22 > 0:25:24you've won £500
0:25:24 > 0:25:28in cash for an Elvis Presley competition that I entered.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30And I scrolled it down, it said,
0:25:30 > 0:25:34you can either have the £500 or the alternative is,
0:25:34 > 0:25:37there's an Elvis Presley impersonator on at some club in Liverpool
0:25:37 > 0:25:41and you can go and see the show completely free or the cash.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44It said, press one for the money and two for the show.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51Scouser says to a fella, says to his mate,
0:25:51 > 0:25:54there's a fella being shot in the supermarket.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56His mate said, "Has there?" "No, Morrisons."
0:25:58 > 0:25:59This teacher in America,
0:25:59 > 0:26:03and he decides it's time that his class had some sex education.
0:26:03 > 0:26:07So he gets them together and he says, "OK, children,
0:26:07 > 0:26:09"this morning we're going to have a talk on sex."
0:26:09 > 0:26:12So he says, "George, would you stand up
0:26:12 > 0:26:14"and tell us what you think sex is."
0:26:14 > 0:26:17So George stands up and he says, "Well,
0:26:17 > 0:26:20"we got a little Alsatian dog which is a boy
0:26:20 > 0:26:22"and next door they got a little Alsatian dog which is a girl.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24"And every now and again they get together
0:26:24 > 0:26:26"and have little Alsatian dogs.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28"And that's sex." "Very good, George, very good.
0:26:29 > 0:26:33"Mary, would you stand up and tell us what you think sex is."
0:26:33 > 0:26:35So Mary stands up and she says,
0:26:35 > 0:26:39"We got a little blue budgerigar which is a boy
0:26:39 > 0:26:42"and across the street they got a little green budgerigar
0:26:42 > 0:26:43"which is a girl.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45"And every now and again they get together
0:26:45 > 0:26:47"and they have little budgerigars and that's sex.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49"Very good, Mary, very good.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51"Now, erm...
0:26:51 > 0:26:56"Irving, would you stand up and tell us what you think sex is."
0:26:56 > 0:26:59So Irving stands up and he says, "Well, for instance,
0:26:59 > 0:27:01"Hopalong Cassidy's riding through the range,
0:27:01 > 0:27:03"and up from behind a rock jumps these three bad men
0:27:03 > 0:27:05"and they pull their guns out and they say,
0:27:05 > 0:27:09"Hands up, Hopalong, and Hopalong pulls his guns out and goes...
0:27:09 > 0:27:12"And shoots all the bad men, and that's sex.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14"Irving.
0:27:14 > 0:27:17"Irving, what has that got to do with sex?
0:27:17 > 0:27:21"Well, it just shows you, you can't fuck about with Hopalong Cassidy."
0:27:25 > 0:27:28A young Scouse girl, 16, first day at work.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30Six foot tall, absolutely gorgeous.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32Legs were out to her armpits. Goes into work.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35One of her colleagues says to her, "Your hair smells lovely."
0:27:35 > 0:27:38She's a bit taken aback on her first day. Following day,
0:27:38 > 0:27:42she's dressed up to the nines again, short skirt, he goes up to her,
0:27:42 > 0:27:45says, "Your hair smells more lovely today than yesterday."
0:27:45 > 0:27:47She's a bit worried about this.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50"If he says it tomorrow, I'm going to say something."
0:27:50 > 0:27:53Next day, she's in again, pair of hot pants on. Lovely.
0:27:53 > 0:27:58He puts his arm around his waist this time, has a good sniff, goes,
0:27:58 > 0:28:00"Your hair smells absolutely divine."
0:28:00 > 0:28:02She says, "I'm going to have a word with HR about you."
0:28:02 > 0:28:05She goes to HR, she says, "I want a work about one of me colleagues.
0:28:05 > 0:28:07"What's the problem, what's the problem?
0:28:07 > 0:28:10"Well, three days now, he's been saying to me your hair smells lovely.
0:28:10 > 0:28:13"Take it as a compliment." She said, "It's Keith the dwarf."
0:28:16 > 0:28:18A friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
0:28:18 > 0:28:21A strong current must have pulled him in.
0:28:43 > 0:28:46Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd