Some Boffins with Jokes

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0:00:00 > 0:00:02This programme contains some strong language.

0:00:16 > 0:00:19So the first joke is

0:00:19 > 0:00:21about the Higgs boson.

0:00:21 > 0:00:24Higgs boson goes into a church

0:00:24 > 0:00:27and he's confronted by the vicar.

0:00:27 > 0:00:29And the vicar says, "You can't come in here.

0:00:29 > 0:00:32"We don't want your sort. You'll upset the congregation."

0:00:32 > 0:00:36And Higgs boson says, "Why?

0:00:36 > 0:00:38"You can't have mass without me!"

0:00:41 > 0:00:46Um, so old Professor Heisenberg and his wife have been married 64 years

0:00:46 > 0:00:50and they've had a full marital life all of that time.

0:00:50 > 0:00:53However, Mrs Heisenberg has realised in the last few months

0:00:53 > 0:00:57he's not quite keeping his end up in terms of his marital duties.

0:00:57 > 0:00:59And she gets on at him about it.

0:00:59 > 0:01:02"I've had enough of this. I'm taking you to the doctor."

0:01:02 > 0:01:04And he says, "I'm sorry, what did you say, love? I can't hear."

0:01:04 > 0:01:09She says, "I'm taking you to the doctor to get you checked out."

0:01:09 > 0:01:13So they go along to the doctor and explain the situation.

0:01:13 > 0:01:16The doctor says, "At your age, you've had a good run

0:01:16 > 0:01:20"but we won't take any risks. We want a full set of tests on you.

0:01:20 > 0:01:23"We'll have a faecal sample, a urine sample,

0:01:23 > 0:01:26"we'll need a semen sample and a blood sample.

0:01:26 > 0:01:28"We'll do the full battery of tests."

0:01:28 > 0:01:31And he said, "Sorry, Doc, I didn't quite catch that. What did you say?"

0:01:31 > 0:01:34And the wife nudges him and says, "He wants to see your underpants."

0:01:42 > 0:01:44This man is not feeling very well

0:01:44 > 0:01:48so he decides to go and see a psychiatrist.

0:01:48 > 0:01:52He's been not feeling very well for quite some time.

0:01:52 > 0:01:57He goes to see the psychiatrist and the psychiatrist says, "What do you think is wrong with you?"

0:01:57 > 0:02:00So he said, "Well, I don't know what it is,

0:02:00 > 0:02:03"but I keep feeling as if I'm behaving like a dog.

0:02:03 > 0:02:08"I keep barking all the time, I go down on all fours,

0:02:08 > 0:02:11"and when I'm walking along the road, every time I come to a tree,

0:02:11 > 0:02:14"I have to cock my rear leg and have to do a pee."

0:02:14 > 0:02:18So the psychiatrist said, "That sounds very unusual.

0:02:18 > 0:02:22"If you'd like to hop up onto the couch, I'll examine you."

0:02:22 > 0:02:25And the man says, "No, I can't do that."

0:02:25 > 0:02:27And the psychiatrist says, "Why is that?"

0:02:27 > 0:02:28"I'm not allowed on the couch!"

0:02:31 > 0:02:36So there's this bar in town and one day in walks some black tarmac.

0:02:36 > 0:02:38"I'm hard. I'm the road. I'm hard tarmac. Grr."

0:02:38 > 0:02:40Sits down and he has his drink.

0:02:40 > 0:02:44Then in walks this red tarmac, saying, "I'm the hardest tarmac.

0:02:44 > 0:02:45"I'm a bus lane. Grr!"

0:02:45 > 0:02:48They're both sitting down having their drinks and in walks this green tarmac.

0:02:48 > 0:02:50They're both like, "Oh, shit!"

0:02:50 > 0:02:52And the barman's like, "Oi, out now!"

0:02:52 > 0:02:54And they were like, "What?"

0:02:54 > 0:02:56He goes, "Didn't you see him? He was a cycle path!"

0:02:59 > 0:03:03So a little girl goes to the barber's with her father.

0:03:03 > 0:03:08And she stands by the barber's chair, eating some cake, watching her dad get his hair cut.

0:03:08 > 0:03:10And the barber turns and says to her,

0:03:10 > 0:03:13"Sweetheart, you're going to get hair on your muffin."

0:03:13 > 0:03:16To which she says, "I know. I'm going to get tits, as well."

0:03:26 > 0:03:28Why did Lieutenant Uhura smell so bad?

0:03:28 > 0:03:30Because William "Shatner"!

0:03:36 > 0:03:39I was in a restaurant with some friends, having a nice, swanky meal

0:03:39 > 0:03:42and the waiter came round with the dessert menu.

0:03:42 > 0:03:44And I was looking through the dessert menu

0:03:44 > 0:03:48and I looked up to him and noticed he had a load of cutlery in his top pocket.

0:03:48 > 0:03:51I said, "What's with the cutlery in your top pocket?"

0:03:51 > 0:03:54And he went, "Oh, we've all got them. All the waiting staff have."

0:03:54 > 0:03:56I said, "What's it all about?"

0:03:56 > 0:03:59He said, "I'm actually a maths student. I work here to pay the bills.

0:03:59 > 0:04:06"And I noticed we spend a huge amount of time going back and forth from the tables to the kitchen

0:04:06 > 0:04:10"getting fresh bits of cutlery for people that had knocked it off their table.

0:04:10 > 0:04:13"So I worked out if we all carry a bit of cutlery in our pocket,

0:04:13 > 0:04:16"we save about 75 minutes a night."

0:04:16 > 0:04:18I thought that was a brilliant idea.

0:04:18 > 0:04:20So he brought my dessert over and, sure enough,

0:04:20 > 0:04:22I knocked the spoon on the floor.

0:04:22 > 0:04:25He whips out a spoon, puts it down on the table before me.

0:04:25 > 0:04:27I'm like, "That's really good service."

0:04:27 > 0:04:29A bit later on, I'm paying the bill and give him a nice hefty tip

0:04:29 > 0:04:33cos he's spent all that extra time with us cos he hasn't got to go and collect all the cutlery.

0:04:33 > 0:04:37Then I notice he's got a bit of string hanging out of his fly.

0:04:37 > 0:04:39And I said, "What's with the string in your fly, then?"

0:04:39 > 0:04:43And he goes, "Oh, that's another time-saving device, you see.

0:04:43 > 0:04:49"All us chaps waste a huge amount of time washing our hands after we go to the toilet."

0:04:49 > 0:04:53He said, "What we do is tie a bit of string round our dicks

0:04:53 > 0:04:58"and then we undo our fly, ping it out, have a pee,

0:04:58 > 0:05:00"and then we don't have to wash our hands afterwards."

0:05:00 > 0:05:03I said, "Well, that's all right,

0:05:03 > 0:05:05"but how do you get it back in your trousers again?"

0:05:05 > 0:05:08He goes, "I don't know about the others, but I used the spoon."

0:05:13 > 0:05:16Two goldfish in a tank.

0:05:16 > 0:05:19One turns to the other and goes, "Who's driving this damn thing?"

0:05:27 > 0:05:29So a man and a woman are in a bar.

0:05:29 > 0:05:33And the man and the woman are flirting and carrying on.

0:05:33 > 0:05:39Finally, the woman says, "I should let you know that my husband left me cos I'm too kinky."

0:05:39 > 0:05:42And the man said, "Wow! Well, my wife left me cos I'm too kinky.

0:05:42 > 0:05:44"Let's see what's going on."

0:05:44 > 0:05:48They go back to her place and she says, "Let me change into something more comfortable."

0:05:48 > 0:05:52So she goes into her bedroom and starts putting on leather and chains and everything.

0:05:52 > 0:05:55And finally she's all ready. It took her a while.

0:05:55 > 0:06:00And she's coming out of her bedroom door and sees he's walking out of her apartment.

0:06:00 > 0:06:02She said, "Where are you going?"

0:06:02 > 0:06:05And he said, "I already took a shit in your purse and fucked your dog. I'm leaving."

0:06:14 > 0:06:18So a purple man wakes up in a purple house on a purple morning.

0:06:18 > 0:06:21He gets out of his purple bed and goes to his purple bathroom,

0:06:21 > 0:06:24brushes his purple teeth with his purple toothbrush and purple toothpaste.

0:06:24 > 0:06:29He puts on purple clothes, leaves his purple house, shuts his purple door and gets into his purple car.

0:06:29 > 0:06:31Drives his purple car down the purple road

0:06:31 > 0:06:33and drives to the purple marina

0:06:33 > 0:06:36where his purple boat is moored, bobbing on the purple waves.

0:06:36 > 0:06:41Gets onto the purple boat and sails across the beautiful purple sea, with the beautiful purple sun.

0:06:41 > 0:06:46Then he gets to a purple island, moors his purple boat and drops the purple anchor into the purple sea.

0:06:46 > 0:06:49Gets out of the boat and lies on the purple beach.

0:06:49 > 0:06:51It's such a beautiful purple day, he falls asleep.

0:06:51 > 0:06:55And when he wakes up, his purple boat has disappeared.

0:06:55 > 0:06:56The purple anchor's come unstuck,

0:06:56 > 0:06:59the purple boat has sailed off across the purple sea.

0:06:59 > 0:07:02And he screams, "Oh, my God! I'm marooned!"

0:07:07 > 0:07:09So there's a biologist.

0:07:09 > 0:07:12An animal behaviourist, if you like.

0:07:12 > 0:07:15And he has a very popular stage show out in Vegas.

0:07:15 > 0:07:19He says, "I have this crocodile here. I've had it since it was a baby crocodile.

0:07:19 > 0:07:23"And I've trained it better than anyone has ever trained a crocodile before.

0:07:23 > 0:07:26"You would not believe the things I can do with this crocodile."

0:07:26 > 0:07:30So first, the crocodile is in the ring and he creeps up to the crocodile,

0:07:30 > 0:07:34touches the crocodile and everyone is going, "Woo!"

0:07:34 > 0:07:39Then he opens the crocodile's jaws and sticks his head right into the crocodile's jaws.

0:07:39 > 0:07:42He takes it out again, and everyone is really impressed.

0:07:42 > 0:07:45And he goes, "OK, you haven't seen anything yet.

0:07:45 > 0:07:47Here is my piece de resistance.

0:07:47 > 0:07:51So he gets the crocodile, drops his trousers

0:07:51 > 0:07:54gets his private parts

0:07:54 > 0:07:57and puts them very gently into the crocodile's mouth

0:07:57 > 0:08:01and then very, very gently shuts the crocodile's jaws.

0:08:01 > 0:08:02And then he goes, "Ta-da!"

0:08:02 > 0:08:04Then he says, "OK, this isn't cruel,

0:08:04 > 0:08:08"but he's an old crocodile and he has trouble opening his jaws again.

0:08:08 > 0:08:11"So I'm going to have to hit him on the head with a hammer,

0:08:11 > 0:08:15"quite gently, but it just shocks him, helps him open up a bit."

0:08:15 > 0:08:17So he gets a hammer and goes bang on the crocodile's head

0:08:17 > 0:08:20and sure enough, the crocodile's jaws snap open.

0:08:20 > 0:08:22And so he goes, "That was so daring.

0:08:22 > 0:08:26"I bet none of you would ever want to do that.

0:08:26 > 0:08:28"Would any of you be daring enough to do that?"

0:08:28 > 0:08:32And there's a silence in the arena. And then a little old lady at the back goes,

0:08:32 > 0:08:35"Um, well, I'll do it,

0:08:35 > 0:08:37"but you've got to promise not to hit me on the head with a hammer!"

0:08:40 > 0:08:42Two interesting facts about me.

0:08:42 > 0:08:45My penis is the length of two IKEA pencils,

0:08:45 > 0:08:47and the other interesting fact is I'm banned from IKEA!

0:08:55 > 0:08:58I went to a bar last night and I saw a guy sat at the bar

0:08:58 > 0:08:59and he was chatting up a cheetah.

0:08:59 > 0:09:02I remember thinking, "He's trying to pull a fast one."

0:09:05 > 0:09:08A pirate walks into a bar,

0:09:08 > 0:09:10completely naked.

0:09:10 > 0:09:13Except he has a giant helm, you know, the steering wheels on big ships.

0:09:13 > 0:09:15He's got a helm attached to his penis.

0:09:15 > 0:09:19And he starts wandering around this bar,

0:09:19 > 0:09:22and everyone's staying out of his way, cos he doesn't look particularly happy.

0:09:22 > 0:09:25Finally, he stumbles over to the bar

0:09:25 > 0:09:27and the barman says,

0:09:27 > 0:09:29"Mate, I don't know if you've noticed,

0:09:29 > 0:09:32"but you've got a giant helm attached to your penis."

0:09:32 > 0:09:34To which the pirate replies,

0:09:34 > 0:09:37"Arr, it's driving me nuts!"

0:09:40 > 0:09:42A triangle walks into a bar.

0:09:42 > 0:09:45And the barman says, "Why the long hypotenuse?"

0:09:48 > 0:09:50A woman walks into a health food shop

0:09:50 > 0:09:53and she's reaching up to a high shelf

0:09:53 > 0:09:56and dislodges a huge jar of Omega-3 tablets.

0:09:56 > 0:09:58It lands on her head and she hits the floor.

0:09:58 > 0:10:01But it's OK. She just suffered "super fish oil" injuries.

0:10:05 > 0:10:09I wonder if you know the definition of outgoing computer scientists?

0:10:09 > 0:10:12That'll be one that looks at your shoes when he's talking to you.

0:10:17 > 0:10:20There's a really crowded train carriage, really packed.

0:10:20 > 0:10:23Everyone's sitting on the train and a man bursts into the carriage

0:10:23 > 0:10:26and goes, "Is there a Roman Catholic priest anywhere on this train?"

0:10:26 > 0:10:29And he barges through the carriage looking for a Roman Catholic priest.

0:10:29 > 0:10:34Everyone looks at each other. There's a pause, a little gap, and he comes back in again.

0:10:34 > 0:10:38"A vicar? Is there a Church of England vicar anywhere on this train?"

0:10:38 > 0:10:40Forces his way through. Still nothing.

0:10:40 > 0:10:45Comes back a third time. "Is there a Rabbi? A Rabbi anywhere on the train?"

0:10:45 > 0:10:48Pushes his way through. Comes back a fourth time.

0:10:48 > 0:10:52A man stands up and says, "Perhaps I can help. I'm a Methodist minister."

0:10:52 > 0:10:54And the man says, "No, no, no, we need a corkscrew!"

0:10:56 > 0:11:00What's the fastest way to tell the sex of a chromosome?

0:11:01 > 0:11:03Pull down its genes!

0:11:06 > 0:11:09What cheese do you use to get a bear out of a tree?

0:11:09 > 0:11:11Camembert!

0:11:13 > 0:11:15How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?

0:11:16 > 0:11:18None. They never get the house!

0:11:20 > 0:11:23What cheese do you use if you want to hide a horse?

0:11:24 > 0:11:26"Mascarpone"!

0:11:26 > 0:11:30How many gravitational physicists does it take to change a light bulb?

0:11:30 > 0:11:32Two.

0:11:32 > 0:11:34One to hold the light bulb...

0:11:34 > 0:11:36..and the other to rotate the universe!

0:11:39 > 0:11:41What do you call a cheese that isn't yours?

0:11:41 > 0:11:43Nacho cheese!

0:11:43 > 0:11:46How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb?

0:11:46 > 0:11:48Two.

0:11:48 > 0:11:50One to unscrew the light bulb

0:11:50 > 0:11:52and one to hold my pe.. Sorry, ladder!

0:11:55 > 0:11:59What is Jim Morrison's favourite cheese selection?

0:12:00 > 0:12:03# Camembert brie white Cheshire #

0:12:05 > 0:12:11So a blonde is doing a really complicated jigsaw puzzle. She doesn't know where to start.

0:12:11 > 0:12:15She's completely lost, so she decides to ask her boyfriend for help.

0:12:15 > 0:12:18So she takes him into the room with the puzzle and says, "Look,

0:12:18 > 0:12:22"from the box I can see that this puzzle is supposed to be a tiger.

0:12:22 > 0:12:24"But I'm completely lost. Don't know where to start."

0:12:24 > 0:12:27So he looks at it, looks at her and says, "OK,

0:12:27 > 0:12:31"first things first. We're never going to be able to do this puzzle.

0:12:31 > 0:12:34"Second thing, relax, have a cup of coffee

0:12:34 > 0:12:36"and put the Frosties back in the box."

0:12:41 > 0:12:44What did the number zero say to the number eight?

0:12:44 > 0:12:45"Nice belt."

0:12:46 > 0:12:49A woman goes into a bar and asks for a double entendre.

0:12:49 > 0:12:50So he gives her one.

0:12:54 > 0:12:58This man has a lot of friends, and every so often, they say, "Look,

0:12:58 > 0:13:02"there's something wrong with you. Every time we meet you, you're always going on about sex.

0:13:02 > 0:13:05"Can't you get sex out of your mind?

0:13:05 > 0:13:08"You really are obsessed with sex.

0:13:08 > 0:13:10"I think you ought to go and seek some help.

0:13:10 > 0:13:13"Why don't you go and see a psychiatrist?"

0:13:13 > 0:13:15So very reluctantly he thinks,

0:13:15 > 0:13:18"Maybe they're right. Maybe I should go and seek some help."

0:13:18 > 0:13:22So he goes to the psychiatrist and says, "Can you help me?

0:13:22 > 0:13:25"All my friends keep telling me I'm obsessed with sex."

0:13:25 > 0:13:31So the psychiatrist says, "I'll show you a few pictures on various cards.

0:13:31 > 0:13:37"I want you to look at these pictures and tell me the first thing that comes into your head

0:13:37 > 0:13:38"when you see this picture."

0:13:38 > 0:13:42So the psychiatrist takes out a picture and it's a photo of Margaret Thatcher.

0:13:42 > 0:13:46He says, "What does that remind you of when you look at that picture?"

0:13:46 > 0:13:50So the man looks at it for a few minutes and said,

0:13:50 > 0:13:54"That picture reminds me of a man and a woman in bed making love."

0:13:54 > 0:13:59The psychiatrist takes out another picture. A picture of Big Ben.

0:13:59 > 0:14:03He says, "Have a look at this picture. Tell me what you think of this."

0:14:04 > 0:14:08So the man says, "Again,

0:14:08 > 0:14:13"I see a man and a woman in bed having sex."

0:14:13 > 0:14:15All right, says the psychiatrist.

0:14:15 > 0:14:19"Have a look at this picture." It's a picture of a cow grazing in a field.

0:14:19 > 0:14:22"Again, it reminds me of a man and woman in bed

0:14:22 > 0:14:24"and they're having sex."

0:14:24 > 0:14:28So by this time, the psychiatrist is scratching his head.

0:14:28 > 0:14:33"Well, it does seem as if you are really obsessed with sex."

0:14:33 > 0:14:36So the man says, "Me obsessed with sex?!

0:14:36 > 0:14:39"You're the one who keeps showing me all these dirty pictures!"

0:14:43 > 0:14:47So two Jewish scientists sitting in a cafe in Tel Aviv.

0:14:47 > 0:14:51They call the waiter and one says, "I'd like some iced tea, please."

0:14:51 > 0:14:55And the other one says, "Yeah, I'll have the same. Make sure it's a clean glass."

0:14:55 > 0:14:58So the waiter comes back and says, "OK. Two iced teas.

0:14:58 > 0:14:59"Who wanted the clean glass?"

0:15:01 > 0:15:04So the philosopher Rene Descartes walks into a sandwich shop

0:15:04 > 0:15:06and says to the guy behind the counter,

0:15:06 > 0:15:08"I'd like a chicken sandwich on white bread, please."

0:15:08 > 0:15:11The guy says, "I'm really sorry, we haven't got any chicken

0:15:11 > 0:15:15"and we haven't got any white bread. I can do you a turkey on brown bread. Is that any good?

0:15:15 > 0:15:18Rene Descartes says, "I think not." And disappears.

0:15:20 > 0:15:23Dr Schrodinger, after a really long day in the lab, is driving home.

0:15:23 > 0:15:26And he gets pulled over by the police.

0:15:26 > 0:15:30The policeman comes to the door and asks to see the driver's licence.

0:15:30 > 0:15:32And he says, Dr Schrodinger, you're driving rather erratically.

0:15:32 > 0:15:34Do you mind if I search your car?

0:15:34 > 0:15:36So he says, "No, go ahead."

0:15:36 > 0:15:40So the policeman searches the car, comes back to the driver's window and says,

0:15:40 > 0:15:43"Dr Schrodinger, are you aware there's a dead cat in your boot?"

0:15:43 > 0:15:45And he says, "Well, there is now!"

0:15:48 > 0:15:52The problem with being a marine biologist

0:15:52 > 0:15:56is it's the kind of job that can make you a lot of anemones.

0:16:00 > 0:16:03There are two men, and they're in the French Foreign Legion.

0:16:03 > 0:16:07They're out in the desert and it's really hot and there's not a lot to do

0:16:07 > 0:16:09and they're there for weeks and weeks.

0:16:09 > 0:16:11One day, one man says to the other,

0:16:11 > 0:16:15"I'm really fed up. What do you do for women round here?

0:16:15 > 0:16:17"I haven't had a woman in months.

0:16:17 > 0:16:19"Is there anything that you do?"

0:16:19 > 0:16:25And the second man says, "Well, I'm afraid there aren't any women around here.

0:16:25 > 0:16:28"We have to kind of use other means."

0:16:28 > 0:16:30The first man says, "What do you mean by that?"

0:16:30 > 0:16:36And the second man goes, "Bear with me. Every few months the camel train comes round.

0:16:36 > 0:16:41"And it sounds bad, but we use the camels."

0:16:41 > 0:16:44And the first man goes, "That is disgusting! Really!"

0:16:44 > 0:16:46And the second one goes, "You wait,

0:16:46 > 0:16:50"when you've been here for six months, you'll be glad of those camels."

0:16:50 > 0:16:53Sure enough, a few weeks later,

0:16:53 > 0:16:57a huge cry goes up, "The camels are here! The camels are here!"

0:16:57 > 0:17:00And everyone starts running, legging it across the desert.

0:17:00 > 0:17:03And the man's friend goes, "Come on, mate, the camels are here! The camels!"

0:17:03 > 0:17:08And the man goes, "What's the problem? Aren't there enough camels to go round?"

0:17:08 > 0:17:11And the second man goes, "Yeah, but I don't want an ugly one!"

0:17:14 > 0:17:16Why did the baker have brown hands?

0:17:16 > 0:17:18He needed a poo.

0:17:24 > 0:17:30In the primary class, the teacher is trying to educate the class

0:17:30 > 0:17:32in use of long words.

0:17:32 > 0:17:35And the specific word of the day is "definitely".

0:17:35 > 0:17:38Particularly used in a scientific context.

0:17:38 > 0:17:44So they say to the class, "Can you think of a sentence where you'd use the word "definitely"?

0:17:44 > 0:17:50So Mary puts her hand up. "I've got one. I will definitely have sausage and chips for my tea tonight."

0:17:50 > 0:17:53And the teacher says, "That's nice. Almost right, Mary,

0:17:53 > 0:17:56"but your mum might make you burgers or something.

0:17:56 > 0:17:59"You can't definitely say that. That's definitely not the right use of "definitely".

0:17:59 > 0:18:02So they ask a few other members of the class and the same situation comes up.

0:18:02 > 0:18:05A bit later on, little Johnny puts his hand up and he says,

0:18:05 > 0:18:08"Miss, does wind have lumps in it?"

0:18:08 > 0:18:12And she says, "No, I don't think so, Johnny."

0:18:12 > 0:18:15And he says, "In that case, I've definitely shat myself!"

0:18:24 > 0:18:28There's a sausage in a frying pan, sizzling away.

0:18:28 > 0:18:32Guy chucks another sausage in. The sausage goes, "Phew, it's hot in here",

0:18:32 > 0:18:35and the other sausage goes, "Bloody hell, it's a talking sausage!"

0:18:37 > 0:18:41So a photon walks into a hotel.

0:18:41 > 0:18:45He's booked a room, so he checks in. The porter comes up to him and says,

0:18:45 > 0:18:47"Can I help you with your luggage, sir?"

0:18:47 > 0:18:50The photon says, "No, it's all right. I'm travelling light."

0:18:52 > 0:18:54So a lady's walking down the road

0:18:54 > 0:18:57and she sees a man in tears, by his car.

0:18:57 > 0:18:59So she goes to see what the problem is.

0:18:59 > 0:19:03The man is in floods of tears, and next to him she sees a dead rabbit.

0:19:03 > 0:19:07There's a basket and a whole bunch of chocolate eggs.

0:19:07 > 0:19:09She asks the man, "What happened?"

0:19:09 > 0:19:12And he said, "Oh, my God. I've killed the Easter bunny."

0:19:12 > 0:19:15So she says, "OK, it's fine. It's fine."

0:19:15 > 0:19:19She rifles in her giant ladies' handbag and gets this spray can

0:19:19 > 0:19:24and she sprays it on the bunny and instantly the bunny jumps back to life.

0:19:24 > 0:19:28The man is so impressed and so relieved. "We can have Easter again."

0:19:28 > 0:19:31And the man says, "What is in that magic spray?"

0:19:31 > 0:19:33And she reads the bottle and it says,

0:19:33 > 0:19:36"Hair spray. Revives dead hair."

0:19:39 > 0:19:41What shivers and lives at the bottom of the ocean?

0:19:43 > 0:19:44A nervous wreck!

0:19:46 > 0:19:51Mr and Mrs Hill are driving in the Transylvanian countryside

0:19:51 > 0:19:53on a long motoring holiday.

0:19:53 > 0:19:55And the car breaks down.

0:19:55 > 0:19:58They're up in the mountains, there's no mobile phone signal.

0:19:58 > 0:20:01It's getting dark and they're starting to get worried.

0:20:01 > 0:20:03They notice back along the path a little bit

0:20:03 > 0:20:06there's a big old Transylvanian Castle.

0:20:06 > 0:20:08"We'll go and see if we can get some help."

0:20:08 > 0:20:11So they trudge up to the door and bang on the door.

0:20:11 > 0:20:13The big brass knocker booms.

0:20:13 > 0:20:15Eventually, they hear clip-clop, clip-clop.

0:20:15 > 0:20:19And a very old, bent man opens the door and says, "Yes?"

0:20:19 > 0:20:23They say, "We're Mr and Mrs Hill here on holiday in Transylvania.

0:20:23 > 0:20:28"Our car's broken down. We're wondering it we can phone the garage and get it repaired."

0:20:28 > 0:20:32He says, "I'm terribly sorry. The master never had the telephone installed

0:20:32 > 0:20:35"but you're welcome to come and stay the night."

0:20:35 > 0:20:41They said, "Oh, that's very kind." He said, "The master's busy, so he'll join us for breakfast."

0:20:41 > 0:20:47"OK, fine." So the old man shows them to a bedroom, a beautiful plush bedroom

0:20:47 > 0:20:50and they lie down and fall asleep. They'd had a busy day.

0:20:50 > 0:20:53Middle of the night, the door creaks open

0:20:53 > 0:20:55and the old man comes in.

0:20:55 > 0:20:58And he lifts up a dagger and stabs Mr Hill through the heart.

0:20:59 > 0:21:03And he comes along to Mrs Hill and he stabs her through the heart.

0:21:03 > 0:21:06He throws one over one shoulder, one over the other shoulder,

0:21:06 > 0:21:11stumps off down the spiral staircase deep into the dungeons under the castle.

0:21:11 > 0:21:15He pushes open the door and there's the master's laboratory.

0:21:15 > 0:21:19There's lightning crackling, and a Van de Graaff generator in the corner.

0:21:19 > 0:21:26And the master is sat at a huge pipe organ playing terrible discords all over the keyboard.

0:21:26 > 0:21:31Igor, that is his name, lays Mr Hill down on one slab,

0:21:31 > 0:21:34lays Mrs Hill down on the other slab

0:21:34 > 0:21:37and goes over to the master and says, "We're ready, Master."

0:21:37 > 0:21:40And the master looks over his shoulder

0:21:40 > 0:21:42at the Hills laid out on the slab

0:21:42 > 0:21:47and strikes a terrible discord on the organ.

0:21:47 > 0:21:53And Mr Hill comes up blank, staring off into the distance.

0:21:53 > 0:21:55And he plays another discord on the organ

0:21:55 > 0:21:59and Mrs Hill is up there, and they're sat upon the slabs.

0:21:59 > 0:22:03And the master leans back, cracks his fingers and starts to play

0:22:03 > 0:22:08# The Hills are alive with the sound of music... #

0:22:10 > 0:22:14And what's the difference between a camera and socks?

0:22:14 > 0:22:16A camera takes photos

0:22:16 > 0:22:18and a sock takes five toes.

0:22:25 > 0:22:28There are two little atoms walking down the street.

0:22:28 > 0:22:31And they bump into one another. And the first atom says...

0:22:31 > 0:22:32"I think I've just been ionised."

0:22:32 > 0:22:36"Are you OK? That was quite a knock."

0:22:36 > 0:22:41And the second one says, "I don't think I am. I think I've lost an electron."

0:22:41 > 0:22:45And the first one says, "Ooh, goodness, are you sure?"

0:22:45 > 0:22:48He goes, "Yes, I'm positive!"

0:22:49 > 0:22:52Two engineering student friends bump into each other on the street.

0:22:52 > 0:22:54And one says to the other,

0:22:54 > 0:22:57"Nice bike you've got here. Is it new?"

0:22:57 > 0:23:00The second one says, "Well, you'll never guess what happened.

0:23:00 > 0:23:03"I was walking to class one day

0:23:03 > 0:23:07"and this beautiful woman, riding this very bike,

0:23:07 > 0:23:10"comes next to me, stops, gets off her bike,

0:23:10 > 0:23:12"takes off all her clothes

0:23:12 > 0:23:15"and says, 'Take anything you want.'"

0:23:15 > 0:23:19After a pause, the first guy says, "You were very right to take the bike.

0:23:19 > 0:23:22"Her clothes would have probably never suited you."

0:23:24 > 0:23:25The biologist says to the physicist,

0:23:25 > 0:23:30"We've got a gorilla, and it's on heat, and it wants to have sex.

0:23:30 > 0:23:32"Are you prepared to have sex with it?"

0:23:32 > 0:23:35And the physicist says, "Well..."

0:23:35 > 0:23:38"Are you prepared to have sex with it for £500?"

0:23:38 > 0:23:41And the physicist says, "On three conditions.

0:23:41 > 0:23:42"First, I'm not going to kiss it.

0:23:42 > 0:23:46"Second, I don't want my family ever to know about this.

0:23:46 > 0:23:50"And third, it's going to take me two days to get that money together."

0:23:58 > 0:24:02SPEAKS ENGLISH WITH STRONG RUSSIAN ACCENT

0:24:31 > 0:24:35A skeleton walks into a bar and says I'd like a pint and a mop, please.

0:24:36 > 0:24:39It took a while! You got there!

0:24:39 > 0:24:40Did you hear about the South African family

0:24:40 > 0:24:43who gained a lot of weight on their holiday to Greece?

0:24:43 > 0:24:45Kept getting feta and feta and feta!

0:24:46 > 0:24:49Why don't skeletons bungee jump?

0:24:49 > 0:24:51Got no guts!

0:24:51 > 0:24:54A rabbit one day is walking around and finds his way to the butcher's.

0:24:54 > 0:24:56He goes to the butcher, "Do you have any carrots?"

0:24:56 > 0:24:59The butcher says, "We don't eat carrots. We're a butcher's."

0:24:59 > 0:25:03So the rabbit leaves and next day comes back, "Do you have any carrots?"

0:25:03 > 0:25:06The butcher goes, "I told you, we don't have any carrots. We're a butcher's."

0:25:06 > 0:25:09The third day he comes in again, and the butcher goes,

0:25:09 > 0:25:14"We don't have any carrots! If you come back again, I'll nail you to the wall."

0:25:14 > 0:25:18The rabbit goes off. On the fourth day, the rabbit comes back.

0:25:18 > 0:25:21He asks the butcher very clearly, "Do you have any nails?"

0:25:21 > 0:25:24"No." "Do you have any carrots?"

0:25:25 > 0:25:27What's round and sounds like a trumpet?

0:25:27 > 0:25:29A crumpet!

0:25:32 > 0:25:38Professor Heisenberg, again, is busy with his wife shopping down at the supermarket, one day.

0:25:38 > 0:25:41He's a bit doddery and he gets lost.

0:25:41 > 0:25:47It turns out he bumps into, in the supermarket, his young research associate.

0:25:47 > 0:25:53And he says, "I'm terribly sorry. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm a bit lost. I'm looking for my wife.

0:25:53 > 0:25:56And the young fellow says, "That's strange. I've lost my wife as well.

0:25:56 > 0:25:58"I'm looking here as well, looking for my wife.

0:25:58 > 0:26:01He said, "Maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?"

0:26:01 > 0:26:04He said, "She's 24, got a perfect figure, wearing a tight mini skirt,

0:26:04 > 0:26:08"lovely blonde hair. What does your wife look like, Professor?"

0:26:08 > 0:26:10He said, "Never mind. Let's look for your wife!"

0:26:14 > 0:26:16The other one might be impenetrable.

0:26:16 > 0:26:19But what do you get

0:26:19 > 0:26:22if you put a black hole into an indestructible dustbin?

0:26:22 > 0:26:24What happens?

0:26:24 > 0:26:26So it takes off.

0:26:26 > 0:26:29OK.

0:26:31 > 0:26:33- Do you get it?- No!

0:26:33 > 0:26:34No.

0:26:34 > 0:26:39A man walks into a bar. "I'd like a pint of adenosine triphosphate, please."

0:26:39 > 0:26:41"Certainly", says the barman. That'll be "ATP"!

0:26:44 > 0:26:47A man's been having headaches for years. Really bad headaches.

0:26:47 > 0:26:50His wife's complaining, he's drinking too much, can't sleep.

0:26:50 > 0:26:53Eventually he goes to his GP. His GP says, "Go see a consultant."

0:26:53 > 0:26:55So the consultant says,

0:26:55 > 0:27:01"We've tried every test in the book. Blood tests, everything. Scans. We don't know what it is.

0:27:01 > 0:27:03"But I've got a colleague who I'll refer you to."

0:27:03 > 0:27:06He refers him to his colleague. His colleague does the same thing. No luck.

0:27:06 > 0:27:11The headaches are worse and worse. He goes and sees somebody else and somebody else.

0:27:11 > 0:27:14On the fifth person, he says, "This is it. Whatever you guys say, I'll do."

0:27:14 > 0:27:17The last consultant says, "OK,

0:27:17 > 0:27:20"I know what is wrong with you. You have goolie-itis!"

0:27:20 > 0:27:21"Goolie-itis?! What's that?"

0:27:21 > 0:27:27"Goolie-itis. It's when your testicles are squeezed up too close to your crotch in your pelvis."

0:27:27 > 0:27:29He says, "Oh, my God! What can you do?"

0:27:29 > 0:27:33He said, "There's only one cure. We have to chop them off. They have to go."

0:27:33 > 0:27:35"What?!" "Chop them off!"

0:27:35 > 0:27:37The man says, "What do I do? What do I do?

0:27:37 > 0:27:40"It's headaches or no crown jewels!"

0:27:40 > 0:27:42So he says, "OK, fine. Go for it."

0:27:42 > 0:27:45The following day, they're gone.

0:27:45 > 0:27:48He's in hospital. A week later, he's out, he's feeling good.

0:27:48 > 0:27:53No headaches. "Time to look after myself and give myself a treat."

0:27:53 > 0:27:56He's walking down the high street and he sees a shop that sells suits.

0:27:56 > 0:28:00"I'll get a new suit." He walks in. The tailor opens the door and says,

0:28:00 > 0:28:05"Hello, sir, I suspect you're looking for a suit?" "Yes."

0:28:05 > 0:28:08"I think you're a size 40 chest, aren't you, sir?" "Spot on."

0:28:08 > 0:28:10"A size 16-and-a-half collar."

0:28:10 > 0:28:12He said, "Yes, very good."

0:28:12 > 0:28:15"And a size 34-inch leg." "Spot on. Perfect."

0:28:15 > 0:28:20And the tailor said, "Would you like some shoes, sir?" "Yes, please."

0:28:20 > 0:28:24"I think you're a size ten-and-a-half shoes, and your left arch is fallen."

0:28:24 > 0:28:26"Amazing. It's all spot-on."

0:28:26 > 0:28:28So the man's now thinking, "What's left?"

0:28:28 > 0:28:32The tailor said, "Would you like some undergarments, sir? Some underpants?"

0:28:32 > 0:28:36And the man said, "Yeah, why not? Guess what my size is?"

0:28:36 > 0:28:41And the tailor said, "Without a doubt, sir, you're definitely a size 38."

0:28:41 > 0:28:43And the man said, "No, size 32."

0:28:43 > 0:28:46Tailor said, "Without a doubt, sir, that's wrong.

0:28:46 > 0:28:50"If you were a size 32, your testicles would be squeezed up against your crotch

0:28:50 > 0:28:52"and you'd have the worst headaches in the world!"

0:28:56 > 0:28:58I think that's about it.

0:28:58 > 0:29:00That is probably about it, yes.

0:29:20 > 0:29:22Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd