0:00:03 > 0:00:06This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:16 > 0:00:19There's this dear old couple in their 80s,
0:00:19 > 0:00:21and they're sat outside in their rocking chairs -
0:00:21 > 0:00:25to and fro, to and fro - and they're both, as you do, pondering
0:00:25 > 0:00:26the life that had gone.
0:00:26 > 0:00:30And suddenly the old man, he got up, he went across to his wife,
0:00:30 > 0:00:32he slapped her across the face.
0:00:32 > 0:00:34So she said, "What's that for?"
0:00:34 > 0:00:38He says, "That's for 55 years of rotten sex!"
0:00:38 > 0:00:40And he went back and sat down.
0:00:40 > 0:00:44And they're carrying on in their rocking chairs, to and fro they went.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46And the old lady got up, went across to him,
0:00:46 > 0:00:49slapped him across the face, went back and sat down.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52And he says, "What's that for?"
0:00:52 > 0:00:55And she said, "That's for knowing the difference!"
0:00:58 > 0:01:01There's a trainee priest in the confession box with his mentor
0:01:01 > 0:01:03learning how to do confession.
0:01:03 > 0:01:04The first guy comes in and he says,
0:01:04 > 0:01:07"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
0:01:07 > 0:01:10He said "What have you done?" He said, "I've committed adultery."
0:01:10 > 0:01:12"How many times?"
0:01:12 > 0:01:13He said, "Three."
0:01:13 > 0:01:16The priest said, "Well, three Hail Marys and 50p in the box."
0:01:16 > 0:01:22Next one comes in, same scenario, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
0:01:22 > 0:01:27"What have you done?" "Adultery." "How many times?" "Five, Father."
0:01:27 > 0:01:30"Oh, five Hail Marys and a pound in the box."
0:01:30 > 0:01:34With that, the priest's mobile phone goes. It's an emergency.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37He is called away to do the last rites.
0:01:37 > 0:01:43He said to the trainee, "You carry on, but keep your voice low or they'll think it's somebody else."
0:01:43 > 0:01:45"But I don't know what to do," said the trainee.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48"Just do what I did," said the priest. "It's easy."
0:01:48 > 0:01:51So, the next one comes in, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
0:01:51 > 0:01:55(High pitch) "What have you... (Lower) "What have you done, my child?"
0:01:55 > 0:01:59"I've committed adultery." The trainee thinks, "What do I say now? Oh, yes!"
0:01:59 > 0:02:03"How many times?" "Four," said the penitent.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05And the trainee priest says, "Four?!"
0:02:05 > 0:02:09"Well, go and do it again." "Why?!" said the penitent.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12He said, "Well, it's three times for 50p, and five for a quid."
0:02:12 > 0:02:15LAUGHTER
0:02:15 > 0:02:18Three men have just died and they've gone to heaven,
0:02:19 > 0:02:22and St Peter's there and he opens the gates and he said,
0:02:22 > 0:02:27"You can go into heaven - there's only one rule in my heaven,
0:02:27 > 0:02:30and the rule is, don't tread on the ducks."
0:02:33 > 0:02:38So they go into heaven and it's quite nice, really. It's all right.
0:02:38 > 0:02:42But they've got these ducks everywhere - quack, quack, quack.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44All the ducks, you see.
0:02:44 > 0:02:48So eventually one man treads on a duck.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53Immediately, St Peter is there.
0:02:53 > 0:03:00And with him is this woman. This is the ugliest woman you could imagine.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02She really is 'orrible, this woman.
0:03:02 > 0:03:06And she is, like, greasy and smelly and farts a lot...
0:03:06 > 0:03:08She's like a really 'orrible woman.
0:03:08 > 0:03:15And St Peter chains the man who trod on the duck to the 'orrible woman.
0:03:15 > 0:03:19He says, "You are chained together for eternity. Don't tread on a duck!"
0:03:19 > 0:03:26And they're going on a bit, course, a second man treads on a duck!
0:03:26 > 0:03:31And... And St Peter's there straight away...
0:03:31 > 0:03:33with another 'orrible woman.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36This one is as 'orrible as the first one,
0:03:36 > 0:03:40but more so, in that she nags, as well. She's... She goes on.
0:03:40 > 0:03:44Chained together for eternity. Don't tread on the duck.
0:03:44 > 0:03:48A third man says, "I ain't never gonna tread on a duck."
0:03:48 > 0:03:52"I will not take a pace forwards or backwards or sideways or diagonal.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54"I will never, ever tread on a duck."
0:03:55 > 0:03:57And he doesn't.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59And he's doing all right.
0:03:59 > 0:04:05And then, suddenly, St Peter turns up and has another woman.
0:04:07 > 0:04:11This is a stunning one. This is the woman...
0:04:11 > 0:04:14that men - some men - dream of, you know.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17She is gorgeous!
0:04:17 > 0:04:21She is the perfect - Wow, wow! - woman. Phew!
0:04:23 > 0:04:25Chained together for eternity.
0:04:27 > 0:04:33And her man's saying, "I don't know why I deserve this."
0:04:35 > 0:04:40And the woman says, "Don't know about you, dear, but I trod on a duck."
0:04:40 > 0:04:45LAUGHTER
0:04:45 > 0:04:47Thank you.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50I was sitting in traffic the other day.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53I got run over.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55LAUGHTER
0:04:58 > 0:05:01There were these two guys who were playing golf,
0:05:01 > 0:05:04and they'd had a very peaceful, very affable round.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06They were the best of friends.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08They got to the 18th hole,
0:05:08 > 0:05:12only one shot of a difference between the two of them.
0:05:12 > 0:05:16And one of them was just about to line up a putt
0:05:16 > 0:05:21when on the other side of the 18th hole there was a funeral cortege
0:05:21 > 0:05:23passing up the road.
0:05:23 > 0:05:27Very, very quietly, very, very sedately.
0:05:27 > 0:05:32And the man looked at the funeral cortege, he bowed his head,
0:05:32 > 0:05:36he took his hat off, and he made the sign of the cross
0:05:36 > 0:05:40as the funeral cortege went by.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43And his friend came across to him and he said,
0:05:43 > 0:05:47"That was the most touching thing I have ever seen," he said.
0:05:47 > 0:05:51"Well done," he said. "You have gone up in my estimation."
0:05:51 > 0:05:53And the man said, "Well, it was the least I could do.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55"She was always a good wife to me."
0:05:55 > 0:05:58LAUGHTER
0:05:58 > 0:06:00Well, there was a man went to confession.
0:06:01 > 0:06:05And the priest said to him, "Well, what do you wish to confess?"
0:06:05 > 0:06:09He said, "Well, I've had sex with a young lady."
0:06:10 > 0:06:15"Oh, you've had sex with a young lady, have you? What's her name?"
0:06:15 > 0:06:18He said, "I'm not telling you her name.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21"I've come to confess, I haven't come to tell you her name."
0:06:21 > 0:06:23He says, "Was it Mary from number 21?"
0:06:23 > 0:06:26"I'm not telling you who it was, Father.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28"I've just come to confess."
0:06:28 > 0:06:32"No," he says. "I can't give you absolution if you don't tell me...
0:06:32 > 0:06:34"Was it Sheila from number 40?"
0:06:34 > 0:06:38"No," he says. "No, no, I am not telling you who it was."
0:06:38 > 0:06:43"Oh, dear. Well, I'm not giving you absolution. I'll task you once more.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46"Was it Margaret from number 65?"
0:06:46 > 0:06:48"No, I'm not telling you who it was, Father.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51"I've just..." "Well, I'm not giving you absolution, then."
0:06:51 > 0:06:54So he got up and walked out.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57Well, he came out of the church door and there was Michael,
0:06:57 > 0:06:59and Michael said, "Have you been to confession?" "Yes," he said.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02"And did you get absolution?"
0:07:02 > 0:07:03He says, "I didn't get absolution,
0:07:03 > 0:07:06but I got three bloody good tips for Saturday night!"
0:07:06 > 0:07:10LAUGHTER
0:07:17 > 0:07:20At the first service I took in my new church,
0:07:20 > 0:07:23the first sermon I ever preached, I stood in the pulpit for the first time
0:07:23 > 0:07:27and I said as I was moving house to come here and be with you,
0:07:27 > 0:07:30I was sitting in the removal van with the guys
0:07:30 > 0:07:32and we drove up the road, and we ran over this cat.
0:07:34 > 0:07:38And I thought, "It's my first day, I have to do something."
0:07:38 > 0:07:41So I knocked on the door where I'd seen the little cat run out,
0:07:41 > 0:07:42and a little old lady answered the door.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45All my congregation went "oh..."
0:07:45 > 0:07:49Everyone lives in the street, and they wonder, is it Mrs Jones?
0:07:49 > 0:07:53I said, "I'm afraid I've just run your cat down."
0:07:53 > 0:07:56And she said, "What did it look like?" And I went...
0:07:56 > 0:07:59LAUGHTER
0:07:59 > 0:08:04And she said, "No, no, no. What did it look like BEFORE you knocked it down?"
0:08:04 > 0:08:05I went like that...
0:08:05 > 0:08:08LAUGHTER
0:08:08 > 0:08:12There were two bishops, and they are talking to each other
0:08:12 > 0:08:15and they are lamenting
0:08:15 > 0:08:18the moral state of the nation.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21And one says to the other one,
0:08:21 > 0:08:26"Well, I certainly didn't sleep with my wife
0:08:26 > 0:08:30"before we were married. How about you?"
0:08:30 > 0:08:34And the other one says, "I don't know. What was her maiden name?"
0:08:34 > 0:08:37LAUGHTER
0:08:37 > 0:08:41See, everybody thinks it was Adam and Eve who were created, but it wasn't.
0:08:41 > 0:08:45It was Eve, and then Adam.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48You see, God created this beautiful Earth,
0:08:48 > 0:08:52did all this land, water, all that bit.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55And animals. Beautiful animals.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Then he created Eve.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59Oh, she was a buxom lass!
0:08:59 > 0:09:01She was really beautiful.
0:09:01 > 0:09:06And God said to her, after she'd been wandering around the Garden of Eden from a little while,
0:09:06 > 0:09:08"Are you enjoying yourself, Eve?"
0:09:08 > 0:09:10"Oh," she said. "The flowers are beautiful!
0:09:10 > 0:09:13"And the animals, they're so friendly!"
0:09:13 > 0:09:16And he said, "But you don't have such a smile on your face."
0:09:16 > 0:09:22And she said, "Well, it's this shape you've made me, it's uncomfortable."
0:09:22 > 0:09:24"Yes, well, what do you mean?"
0:09:24 > 0:09:27She said, "Well, I don't know what you call these things -
0:09:27 > 0:09:31"I call them my mazumis." So, God looks at her and he says...
0:09:31 > 0:09:35"Yeah, you're not quite right, are you? Come here.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37"Might hurt, just for a minute."
0:09:37 > 0:09:40And he pulled the middle one off, threw it in the bushes.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43And she says "Oh! Oh, that's lovely!"
0:09:43 > 0:09:47And she looked down at herself and they were lifted and separated,
0:09:47 > 0:09:52in just the right places, and she felt so much more comfortable.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54So off she went, enjoying the Garden of Eden.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57A couple of days later, after God had had a really good rest,
0:09:57 > 0:10:00he came and said, "How are you doing now, Eve? Are you happy?"
0:10:00 > 0:10:03"Oh," she said. "Yes, and...and no."
0:10:03 > 0:10:06He said, "Do you not like your new form?"
0:10:06 > 0:10:09"Oh, no. I'm loving it," she says.
0:10:09 > 0:10:13"It's really nice and comfortable." "Well, what's wrong then?"
0:10:13 > 0:10:16"Well, the animals, they're so friendly,
0:10:16 > 0:10:19"but you made one of one sort and one of another
0:10:19 > 0:10:23"and I've noticed, night-times especially, they sort of hive off together
0:10:23 > 0:10:27"and have a little bit of, you know, how's-your-father.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30"And here am I, I'm all on my own."
0:10:30 > 0:10:33"Oh," God said. "I know what we'll do.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36"Where did I throw that useless tit?"
0:10:36 > 0:10:38LAUGHTER
0:10:41 > 0:10:43Sorry, gentlemen.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48There was a man who wanted to get away from all the stress
0:10:48 > 0:10:50and pressure of modern life,
0:10:50 > 0:10:55so he joined a monastery where the monks lived in silence.
0:10:55 > 0:11:00They were allowed to speak just once every 10 years.
0:11:00 > 0:11:05So 10 years went by and he comes in to the abbot and he says,
0:11:05 > 0:11:08"Abbot, the food could be better."
0:11:08 > 0:11:12So the abbot says, "Well, we'll see what we can do."
0:11:12 > 0:11:17Ten more years go by and he comes to the abbot again and he says,
0:11:17 > 0:11:20"The beds could be more comfortable, Abbot."
0:11:20 > 0:11:24So the abbot says, "We'll see what we can do."
0:11:24 > 0:11:29Ten years go by and he comes into the abbot again and says,
0:11:29 > 0:11:33"Abbot," he says. "I don't think I'm cut out for this life."
0:11:33 > 0:11:35And the abbot says, "I agree.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37"You've done nothing but grumble ever since you came."
0:11:37 > 0:11:39LAUGHTER
0:11:39 > 0:11:42Up in the Tirol, they were coming down on skis
0:11:42 > 0:11:45and this fellow decided he'd have a fag
0:11:45 > 0:11:49and he went into his pocket and he couldn't find a lighter.
0:11:49 > 0:11:53So he stops off at this little shop on the mountainside and he says,
0:11:53 > 0:11:56"Excuse me, you haven't got a lighter for my cigarette?"
0:11:56 > 0:12:00And the fellow says, "Sorry, I'm a tobogganist."
0:12:00 > 0:12:02LAUGHTER
0:12:02 > 0:12:05A vicar and a curate are playing golf,
0:12:05 > 0:12:08and the curate hooks the ball into the woods,
0:12:08 > 0:12:11so they both went to look for the ball, and they found a well.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13And they're both looking down this well,
0:12:13 > 0:12:17and the vicar says to the curate, "I wonder how deep it is?"
0:12:17 > 0:12:19And so, he says, "I'll drop a pebble down it."
0:12:19 > 0:12:22So he bent down and picked a pebble up and dropped it down
0:12:22 > 0:12:24and they couldn't hear it land.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26Then the curate picked up a boulder and threw that down,
0:12:26 > 0:12:28and they didn't even hear that land.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31The other one said, "Hey, there's a railway sleeper here.
0:12:31 > 0:12:35"Let's throw that down, it's big enough. See how we get on."
0:12:35 > 0:12:38So, the vicar got at one end and the curate at the other
0:12:38 > 0:12:41and they threw this railway sleeper down the hole.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44And they were listening for it landing and just then,
0:12:44 > 0:12:48the vicar looks behind him and there's this billy goat going like blazes towards him
0:12:48 > 0:12:49and he just moved to one side,
0:12:49 > 0:12:52the billy goat shot past him and straight down the well.
0:12:52 > 0:12:56And the curate said, "We better get out of here quick, otherwise we're going to be in trouble."
0:12:56 > 0:12:59And so they're just about setting off and a farmer comes along
0:12:59 > 0:13:02and he says, "Excuse me, you haven't seen a billy goat, have you?"
0:13:02 > 0:13:05And the curate says, "No, we haven't seen a billy goat."
0:13:05 > 0:13:07And the farmer said,
0:13:07 > 0:13:10"Well, you can't miss it - it's attached to a railway sleeper."
0:13:10 > 0:13:11LAUGHTER
0:13:11 > 0:13:15In this town, there was this phenomenal revival.
0:13:15 > 0:13:20And three ministers got together to talk about the revival.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23The Presbyterian minister said, "Well, we did well.
0:13:23 > 0:13:27"We got four new families into our church."
0:13:27 > 0:13:32And then the Anglican minister said, "You think YOU did well?
0:13:32 > 0:13:37"Well, I got six new families into the life of the church here."
0:13:37 > 0:13:39And then they looked at the Methodist minister.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41"Do you guys think you did well?
0:13:41 > 0:13:45"You got four families and you got six families?
0:13:45 > 0:13:48"Well, I got rid of ten troublemakers!"
0:13:48 > 0:13:50LAUGHTER
0:13:51 > 0:13:55This vicar was loved by his congregation,
0:13:55 > 0:13:57and they decided to give him a treat.
0:13:57 > 0:14:01So they put him on a boat and they took him off deep sea fishing.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04He loved it. It was like the Sea of Galilee for him.
0:14:04 > 0:14:09He went out there, they caught loads of fish, it was piled with fish.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12And on the way back, he was really enjoying himself.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15This was just a spiritual experience.
0:14:15 > 0:14:19But unfortunately, as in the Sea of Galilee, a storm brewed up,
0:14:19 > 0:14:22and it became very, very violent.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25And the boat was tossed and turned from one side to the other,
0:14:25 > 0:14:28and he thought, "God, what's going to happen, what's going to happen?"
0:14:28 > 0:14:32The captain came to the group and said, "Look, it's not good news.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35"I'm afraid I'm going to have to start helping people out."
0:14:35 > 0:14:37So he started to give out lifejackets to everybody.
0:14:37 > 0:14:41And the captain said, "Erm, does anybody know how to pray?"
0:14:41 > 0:14:45Well, the vicar said, "Well, I do. I'm a vicar."
0:14:45 > 0:14:47He said, "Good, cos we've run out of lifejackets."
0:14:47 > 0:14:49LAUGHTER
0:14:50 > 0:14:56I had a vicar friend in the next parish, and his wife, Jack and Jill.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00They were mad on air displays.
0:15:01 > 0:15:05In fact, on their honeymoon, they went to an air display.
0:15:07 > 0:15:13They were so caught up with this that they went every year to a display.
0:15:15 > 0:15:19After ten years, they noticed that there was a little board that said,
0:15:19 > 0:15:24"Half-hour flights. £20."
0:15:24 > 0:15:28And Jack said, "Oh, Jill, I would love to fly."
0:15:30 > 0:15:34She said, "Jack, £20 is £20."
0:15:34 > 0:15:36So he didn't fly.
0:15:36 > 0:15:4215 years went by and again, he said,
0:15:42 > 0:15:46"Jill, I would love to fly.
0:15:46 > 0:15:53"I would love to go up there into the blue sky and look down on creation."
0:15:53 > 0:15:58She said, "Jack, £30 is £30."
0:15:58 > 0:16:00So still he didn't fly.
0:16:00 > 0:16:08Another 20 years, and Jack was getting a bit past it. He'd retired.
0:16:09 > 0:16:13He said to Jill, he said, "Jill, if I don't fly now,
0:16:13 > 0:16:16"I shall be too old to get into an aeroplane.
0:16:16 > 0:16:23"I would love just to fly up there, say hello to Him before I go
0:16:23 > 0:16:25"and meet Him permanently."
0:16:25 > 0:16:30She said, "Jack, £50 is £50."
0:16:30 > 0:16:33The pilot overheard this.
0:16:33 > 0:16:37He said to them, "Look, I will take you up for free.
0:16:37 > 0:16:44"But, if you utter one sound, I shall have to charge."
0:16:44 > 0:16:51So away they went, he did every acrobat in the book, not a word.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54When they landed, he went to Jack and he said,
0:16:54 > 0:16:57"My word, that was marvellous.
0:16:57 > 0:17:03"I did every acrobat in the book. You never uttered a sound."
0:17:03 > 0:17:07And Jack said, "Well, I nearly did once
0:17:07 > 0:17:10"when my wife fell out of the plane."
0:17:10 > 0:17:11LAUGHTER
0:17:11 > 0:17:16"But I said to myself, 'Jack, £50 is £50!'"
0:17:19 > 0:17:22A priest in the Midlands was due to take
0:17:22 > 0:17:25a service in a crematorium near Birmingham.
0:17:25 > 0:17:29He'd never been there so he tapped the postcode into his sat-nav
0:17:29 > 0:17:31and set off with what he thought was plenty of time.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34In fact, he underestimated the Birmingham traffic,
0:17:34 > 0:17:37and by the time he arrived at the crem,
0:17:37 > 0:17:39the mourners were already there and so was the hearse.
0:17:39 > 0:17:43He hurriedly pulled his robes on and dashed over, took his place
0:17:43 > 0:17:47in front of the coffin and led it solemnly into church.
0:17:47 > 0:17:52As the undertakers placed the coffin on the catafalque,
0:17:52 > 0:17:56a loud voice came from his left trouser pocket -
0:17:56 > 0:17:58"You have reached your destination."
0:17:58 > 0:18:00LAUGHTER
0:18:05 > 0:18:07There's this vicar,
0:18:07 > 0:18:10and during a service he stands up and he says to the congregation,
0:18:10 > 0:18:14"Is there anyone here who would like to thank God for anything that
0:18:14 > 0:18:17"has happened in their life?"
0:18:17 > 0:18:20And this woman gets up and she comes to the front, she says, "Yes,
0:18:20 > 0:18:26"I would like to thank God because my husband, Jim,
0:18:26 > 0:18:30"he had a terrible, terrible bike accident
0:18:30 > 0:18:36"and his scrotum was completely torn and wrecked. It's broken."
0:18:38 > 0:18:42And all the men in the congregation go, "Ooh, sounds nasty!"
0:18:42 > 0:18:46"And we prayed and we prayed for the surgeon as he performed this
0:18:46 > 0:18:50"very delicate operation on his scrotum.
0:18:50 > 0:18:54"And they wound it together with wire."
0:18:54 > 0:18:58And again the men in the congregation are going, "Oh-h-h!"
0:18:58 > 0:19:04But, she says, "I give thanks now, because the operation was a success
0:19:04 > 0:19:07"and the doctor said that with time,
0:19:07 > 0:19:11"his scrotum will completely heal."
0:19:13 > 0:19:17And the vicar sort of says, "Oh, right, thank you."
0:19:17 > 0:19:20He says, "Is there anywhere else in the congregation who
0:19:20 > 0:19:22"would like to say something?"
0:19:22 > 0:19:25And this bloke comes out, he says,
0:19:25 > 0:19:28"Yes, my name is Jim
0:19:28 > 0:19:33"and I'd like to say to my wife that the word is 'sternum'."
0:19:33 > 0:19:36LAUGHTER
0:19:41 > 0:19:45I did a piece of toast for breakfast other day, and I took it out
0:19:45 > 0:19:49the toaster and I thought, "Wow, that's a picture of Jesus."
0:19:49 > 0:19:51I was so excited, I thought, "I've got to tell somebody."
0:19:51 > 0:19:54So I ran next door to this guy, who's a Muslim, and I said,
0:19:54 > 0:19:57"Look, look, look, it's a picture of Jesus in my toast!"
0:19:57 > 0:20:00And he looked at it and he said, "I can't believe it's not Buddha!"
0:20:00 > 0:20:02LAUGHTER
0:20:05 > 0:20:11This country vicar, not got much money in the parish,
0:20:11 > 0:20:13and he had been there for quite a while,
0:20:13 > 0:20:16and the church was getting into a really bad disrepair.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19The paint was peeling, it was dreadful.
0:20:19 > 0:20:23It was one of those beautiful little white, you know, painted churches.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26He thought, "What I'll do, I'll go down the market, buy some cheap
0:20:26 > 0:20:30"paint, and on Saturday night, I'll paint it all myself.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32"It'll be a real treat for the congregation."
0:20:32 > 0:20:34A wonderful pastoral vicar.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37So he went and got the paint and he did it.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39He did so well on the first wall.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42He looked down at his paint pot and he only had half a paint pot left.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44He thought, "What am I going to do?
0:20:44 > 0:20:47"I won't finish the church with this amount of paint!"
0:20:47 > 0:20:50So he got some thinner and he put it all in, a lot of thinner,
0:20:50 > 0:20:53and he started painting the other three sides of the wall.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56When he went to bed, of course, in this English weather, there was
0:20:56 > 0:21:00a great storm. The rain came down and completely drenched the church.
0:21:00 > 0:21:04When he came out in the morning, it looked worse than before.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07The paint was dripping down the walls. He didn't know...
0:21:07 > 0:21:11He said, "God, what must I do?"
0:21:11 > 0:21:14And a voice from heaven said, "Repaint and thin no more."
0:21:14 > 0:21:17LAUGHTER
0:21:19 > 0:21:23The Emperor of China wanted a new bodyguard.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27And he interviewed three people -
0:21:27 > 0:21:32one from China, one from Japan and one Jewish.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36And he gives each of them a sword.
0:21:36 > 0:21:40And he goes up to the Chinese man with a casket.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43He opens a casket and a wasp flies out.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48- And the Chinese candidate goes... - MAKES SWISHING SOUND
0:21:48 > 0:21:51And the wasp falls in pieces on the floor.
0:21:51 > 0:21:56The Emperor of China says, "That's wonderful. That's very impressive."
0:21:56 > 0:21:59He does the same with the Japanese.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02Opens the casket, out flies a wasp -
0:22:02 > 0:22:06one stroke and the wasp falls dead on the floor.
0:22:06 > 0:22:10He said, "Oh, that's even more impressive."
0:22:10 > 0:22:15Goes to the Jewish candidate, opens the casket, wasp flies out.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17MAKES SWISHING SOUND
0:22:17 > 0:22:19And the wasp flies away.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23The Emperor says, "Well, that wasn't very good, was it?
0:22:23 > 0:22:25And the Jewish candidate says,
0:22:25 > 0:22:28"Well, circumcision isn't meant to be fatal."
0:22:28 > 0:22:31LAUGHTER
0:22:32 > 0:22:38There was a minister who was asked to give a talk at the school assembly.
0:22:38 > 0:22:42And it was a talk on sex from a Christian point of view,
0:22:42 > 0:22:46which he accepted, but he didn't want to upset his wife,
0:22:46 > 0:22:50so he put in his diary, "A talk on sailing at school assembly."
0:22:50 > 0:22:53That week, he was due to give the talk.
0:22:53 > 0:22:57The headteacher phoned up and asked if this was OK.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00The headteacher got the minister's wife, asked if it was OK,
0:23:00 > 0:23:03if everything was OK for this talk, the minister to give the talk,
0:23:03 > 0:23:05and his wife looked at the diary and saw it there.
0:23:05 > 0:23:10The minister put in a talk on sailing at the school assembly,
0:23:10 > 0:23:13and she thought, "Mmm, that's strange."
0:23:13 > 0:23:17And she said, "I'm surprised that he's giving a talk on this."
0:23:17 > 0:23:20The head teacher says, "Why are you surprised?"
0:23:20 > 0:23:22And she says, "Well, he's only ever done it twice.
0:23:22 > 0:23:26"The first time he was sick, and then the second time his hat blew off."
0:23:26 > 0:23:28LAUGHTER
0:23:29 > 0:23:32There's a lovely story of a couple,
0:23:32 > 0:23:36and they're in their local store getting their groceries,
0:23:36 > 0:23:44and the man picked up a pack of 12 lagers, cans of lager. Fantastic.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46And his wife said, "What are you doing?"
0:23:46 > 0:23:49So he said, "There are 12 for a tenner! It's a bargain!"
0:23:49 > 0:23:53She said, "We can't afford 'em, put 'em back." And on they go shopping.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56Next minute, they come to the ladies' department for beauty.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58She picks up a jar of hand cream, it's £20.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01He said, "What are you doing? What do you think you're doing?"
0:24:01 > 0:24:03She said, "It's my hand cream.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06"It makes me look beautiful and attractive."
0:24:06 > 0:24:08He said, "So does 12 cans of lager!
0:24:09 > 0:24:10"And they're half the price!"
0:24:10 > 0:24:12LAUGHTER
0:24:16 > 0:24:21Now, there was a building site in the village,
0:24:21 > 0:24:26and there was a family next door with a little girl.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29And the little girl was so intrigued,
0:24:29 > 0:24:32cos not much happened in this village that she could watch.
0:24:32 > 0:24:33She watched them every day,
0:24:33 > 0:24:37and they dug the foundations and then the concrete was poured
0:24:37 > 0:24:40and she got to know their names, they got to know her name.
0:24:40 > 0:24:44And then one day they said, "Wouldn't you like to come and help us?
0:24:44 > 0:24:45"You've taken such an interest."
0:24:45 > 0:24:50And they gave her a little tiny hard hat and a high visibility vest.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52And she worked with them, doing this and that.
0:24:52 > 0:24:56And at the end of the week, all the men put in a contribution
0:24:56 > 0:24:58and they gave her £10.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01She went back to her mother so excited, "Look, Mummy!
0:25:01 > 0:25:04"They've given me £10 for helping them."
0:25:04 > 0:25:07"Ooh," says Mother, "I think that's very good.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10"We'll go down to the bank and open a bank account for you.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13"You want to save it, don't you?"
0:25:13 > 0:25:15So, she said, "Well, yes, OK."
0:25:15 > 0:25:18Went to the bank and the mother said to the cashier,
0:25:18 > 0:25:21"My daughter's been helping the builders who are building a house
0:25:21 > 0:25:24"next door to us, and they've given her £10
0:25:24 > 0:25:26"because she's been so helpful."
0:25:26 > 0:25:30So the cashier got in on the act a little bit, she said,
0:25:30 > 0:25:33"Ooh, well done, I am impressed to hear that."
0:25:33 > 0:25:36She said, "And are you going to go back next week
0:25:36 > 0:25:38"and help them some more?"
0:25:38 > 0:25:41"Well," says the little girl, "that all depends whether those
0:25:41 > 0:25:45"bastards at the building merchants deliver the fucking bricks!"
0:25:45 > 0:25:47LAUGHTER
0:25:53 > 0:25:57This fella's on a desert island, he's been there 10 years.
0:25:57 > 0:25:58He's quite depressed.
0:25:58 > 0:26:02And suddenly this woman turns up in a wet suit walking up the beach, eh?
0:26:03 > 0:26:05She unzips one of her pockets and says,
0:26:05 > 0:26:08"Bet it's a long time since you've had a cigarette."
0:26:08 > 0:26:11And he says, "What? 10 years! I haven't had a fag for 10 years."
0:26:11 > 0:26:13So she gives him a fag. And he puffs away,
0:26:13 > 0:26:16"Oh, that's great," he says, "that's really good."
0:26:16 > 0:26:20A little while later, she unzips another pocket in her wet suit
0:26:20 > 0:26:23and pulls out a little flagon of whisky and says,
0:26:23 > 0:26:26"How long is it since you've had a drink?"
0:26:26 > 0:26:29And he says, "10 years! "10 years since I've had a drink.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32"Oh, that's great," he says. "Really great, thanks very much."
0:26:32 > 0:26:34Later on in the afternoon, towards the evening,
0:26:34 > 0:26:37she undoes the front of her wet suit and she says,
0:26:37 > 0:26:39"How long is it since you've played around?"
0:26:39 > 0:26:43And he says, "Go on!"
0:26:43 > 0:26:47"You're not telling me you've got a golf set in there, have you?"
0:26:47 > 0:26:50Is that all right? Is that enough?
0:26:50 > 0:26:52APPLAUSE
0:26:56 > 0:26:58Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd