0:00:16 > 0:00:18Three little bairns were walking home from their primary school
0:00:18 > 0:00:22in Jarrow. They'd just had a nature lesson and on the pavement in front
0:00:22 > 0:00:25of them, lo and behold, there was a dead spuggie.
0:00:25 > 0:00:28So they thought, right, we'd better do something about this
0:00:28 > 0:00:30so they dug this hole to put the dead spuggie into.
0:00:30 > 0:00:32Then they says,
0:00:32 > 0:00:34"Listen, I've seen this sort of thing on television.
0:00:34 > 0:00:38"Shouldn't we say something nice over the dead bird?"
0:00:38 > 0:00:43And so they pondered and said, "Hey, Jenny, your father is a vicar.
0:00:43 > 0:00:44"Do you know anything clever?"
0:00:44 > 0:00:46She says, "Oh, there's only one thing I know
0:00:46 > 0:00:50"and it goes something like this - In the name of the Father,
0:00:50 > 0:00:53"in the name of the Son and into the hole he goes."
0:00:53 > 0:00:55LAUGHTER
0:00:55 > 0:00:57That was the quickie to warm me up.
0:00:57 > 0:01:03There were two priests who decided they'd go on holiday together
0:01:03 > 0:01:08and so they decided they'd go to the Costa Del Sol.
0:01:08 > 0:01:11They got on their flight and they arrived at the other end
0:01:11 > 0:01:14and they saw everybody was dressed in holiday clothes.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17They said, "We'll stand out like a sore thumb.
0:01:17 > 0:01:21"Let's go into a department store and buy ourselves some holiday clothes."
0:01:21 > 0:01:25So they went in, they got a nice open-necked shirt
0:01:25 > 0:01:28and a light-coloured pair of trousers and off they went.
0:01:28 > 0:01:33Next day, they lounged on the beach in those loungers, you know.
0:01:33 > 0:01:34And along the beach,
0:01:34 > 0:01:40after a little while came the most gorgeous blonde, topless,
0:01:40 > 0:01:45breasts swinging gently as she sauntered up the beach,
0:01:45 > 0:01:46and blonde hair.
0:01:46 > 0:01:51She stopped right at the end of these two loungers and said,
0:01:51 > 0:01:54"Good morning, Father, and good morning, Father."
0:01:54 > 0:01:57Well, the two priests were gobsmacked.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59She went off down the beach.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01"We can't possibly be dressed right.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03"She must have recognised that we are ordained.
0:02:03 > 0:02:08"We'll go back to that shop and get something a little more informal."
0:02:08 > 0:02:13So they came out, Bermuda shorts, highly-coloured floral T-shirt
0:02:13 > 0:02:16and a sun hat with a floppy brim.
0:02:16 > 0:02:20Next day, lounging on the beach,
0:02:20 > 0:02:23the same girl came walking up the beach,
0:02:23 > 0:02:27stopped right at the end of these loungers and said,
0:02:27 > 0:02:31"Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father."
0:02:31 > 0:02:34They absolutely couldn't believe it.
0:02:34 > 0:02:35They said to her,
0:02:35 > 0:02:38"How do you know that we're ordained and that we're priests?"
0:02:38 > 0:02:42She said, "Don't you recognise me, Father? It's Sister Mary Jane."
0:02:42 > 0:02:45LAUGHTER
0:02:48 > 0:02:53This woman is pregnant and she's off to hospital to have the baby
0:02:53 > 0:02:55but unfortunately, on the way there,
0:02:55 > 0:03:00she's involved in a traffic incident and goes into a coma.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03It's very sad, but anyway, she didn't wake up
0:03:03 > 0:03:08until six months later when both the children had been born.
0:03:08 > 0:03:12When she woke, she was told that she had got twins, in fact.
0:03:12 > 0:03:16She said, "Oh, I'd better name them then."
0:03:16 > 0:03:18And the surgeon says, "No, you don't have to name them
0:03:18 > 0:03:22"because your brother has already given them a name."
0:03:22 > 0:03:28"Oh no," she said, "My brother's a total idiot. What's he called them?"
0:03:28 > 0:03:31He said, "Well, he's called the girl Denise."
0:03:31 > 0:03:33"Well, she says, that's not bad.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35"It's a pretty sensible name for a girl.
0:03:35 > 0:03:36"So what's he called the boy?"
0:03:36 > 0:03:38"Denephew".
0:03:38 > 0:03:40LAUGHTER
0:03:40 > 0:03:42There was this man.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45He was absolutely convinced that his wife was having an affair
0:03:45 > 0:03:48and he noticed one morning, this went on for some time,
0:03:48 > 0:03:50she was looking absolutely gorgeous
0:03:50 > 0:03:52so he thought, right, I'm going to have you.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54So off he went to work.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57He said cheerio and he waited about half an hour
0:03:57 > 0:03:59and then he stormed back into the house.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02"Where is he?" he said. "Where is he?"
0:04:02 > 0:04:03"Who?" She said.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06"You know who I mean. That man you're having an affair with.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08"Where is he?" She said, "There's nobody here."
0:04:08 > 0:04:10He tore around the house, he opened the cupboards,
0:04:10 > 0:04:12he looked under the beds.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14He's getting madder and madder. "Where is he?" he said.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17And then he glanced out the kitchen window
0:04:17 > 0:04:19and he saw this man hurrying away.
0:04:19 > 0:04:20He was furious.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22He picked up the fridge,
0:04:22 > 0:04:27he opened the window and he threw the fridge out of the window.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30Next minute, he had a heart attack, dropped down dead.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32He's walking up the road to heaven.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35There's St Peter at the gate and St Peter said,
0:04:35 > 0:04:36"What happened to you?"
0:04:36 > 0:04:38He said, "I was convinced my wife was having an affair
0:04:38 > 0:04:42"and I was so angry. I saw this man rushing away from my house,
0:04:42 > 0:04:46"I picked up the fridge, I threw it out and here I am."
0:04:46 > 0:04:50He said, "I'm so sorry to hear that. Come into heaven."
0:04:50 > 0:04:53Next minute, there's this guy coming up the road
0:04:53 > 0:04:55and he's got a big hole in his head.
0:04:55 > 0:04:56"What happened to you?"
0:04:56 > 0:04:59He said, "Well, I was just hurrying along the road to work
0:04:59 > 0:05:03"and suddenly a fridge came flying through the air and here I am."
0:05:03 > 0:05:07So he said, "Well, I'm so sorry to hear that. Come on in to heaven."
0:05:07 > 0:05:11And the next minute up the road comes this guy walking like this.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13And he said, "What happened to you?"
0:05:13 > 0:05:15And he said, "Well, I was in a fridge..."
0:05:15 > 0:05:17LAUGHTER
0:05:17 > 0:05:18"And here I am!"
0:05:22 > 0:05:25This woman had a pair of parrots
0:05:25 > 0:05:28and she didn't know which was the male and which was the female
0:05:28 > 0:05:30and then her friend said, you know,
0:05:30 > 0:05:35parrots always make love first thing in the morning,
0:05:35 > 0:05:39so when you whip the cover off of the cage you look at them
0:05:39 > 0:05:43and see which one is looking tired and worn out and that's the male.
0:05:43 > 0:05:47So she did that and she whipped the cover off
0:05:47 > 0:05:50and there was one that was obviously looking tired and worn out,
0:05:50 > 0:05:52so she said, that's the male obviously.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55So she thought, how can I remember that?
0:05:55 > 0:05:59So she made a little white collar and stuck it round his neck
0:05:59 > 0:06:01and that day, the vicar called and had tea
0:06:01 > 0:06:03and the parrot looked at him and said,
0:06:03 > 0:06:06"You were caught at it as well, were you?"
0:06:06 > 0:06:09LAUGHTER
0:06:09 > 0:06:13I had a very wonderful spiritual monk
0:06:13 > 0:06:18who used to travel the country barefoot and he was so wonderful,
0:06:18 > 0:06:23but after miles and miles and years and years of hard walking,
0:06:23 > 0:06:27his feet got really calloused and hard.
0:06:27 > 0:06:31Then he used to fast an awful lot and, unfortunately,
0:06:31 > 0:06:36he got a very thin and very weak but he continued to walk and he continued
0:06:36 > 0:06:40to pray and bless everybody but he was really, really very thin.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43And then he had a very bad diet because of his fasting,
0:06:43 > 0:06:49so his breath started to smell rather, so he became known as
0:06:49 > 0:06:53super-callous fragile-mystic plagued-with-halitosis.
0:06:53 > 0:06:57LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:07:01 > 0:07:05I was visiting my friend in southern Wiltshire the other day where
0:07:05 > 0:07:09I hail from and we were driving up the A303 with him.
0:07:09 > 0:07:14I hadn't seen him for a long time and we were going up the road
0:07:14 > 0:07:17and suddenly I couldn't believe my eyes.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20There was a great big hoarding on the side of the road.
0:07:20 > 0:07:25It said, "Sex - St Mary's Convent, five miles."
0:07:25 > 0:07:27I looked at it and thought, I'd better not say anything
0:07:27 > 0:07:30but did I read that right?
0:07:30 > 0:07:32Anyway, we drove on along the road
0:07:32 > 0:07:34and suddenly there was another hoarding.
0:07:34 > 0:07:38"Sex - St Mary's Convent, two miles."
0:07:38 > 0:07:42So I thought, I did, I read it right.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45Before we turned around and had any conversation at all, we were at
0:07:45 > 0:07:49the next hoarding which said, "Sex - St Mary's Convent, turn right."
0:07:49 > 0:07:53I said to him, "Have I read those notices correctly?"
0:07:53 > 0:07:54Oh, yes, he said. That's right.
0:07:54 > 0:07:58A friend of mine from the golf club went in there one day to see
0:07:58 > 0:07:59what it was all about.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01"What happened?"
0:08:01 > 0:08:02Well, he drove up.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05There was a big car park, this lovely great big building,
0:08:05 > 0:08:06and he went and he knocked
0:08:06 > 0:08:10and rang the bell on a great big Gothic door
0:08:10 > 0:08:13and it was opened by a very attractive young nun, she said,
0:08:13 > 0:08:15"Good afternoon, sir.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17"I think I know why you're here.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19"Would you like to follow me?"
0:08:19 > 0:08:23So he went in and they went up some stairs, along a corridor,
0:08:23 > 0:08:26they turned left, down winding through another corridor
0:08:26 > 0:08:30and round and suddenly they came to another great big door with
0:08:30 > 0:08:34a second nun holding a big silver plate.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36And the first one said to my friend,
0:08:36 > 0:08:40"If you'd like to put £100 on the plate, sir,
0:08:40 > 0:08:43"you can then go through this door and the world is yours."
0:08:43 > 0:08:47So, he fumbled, put £100 on the plate,
0:08:47 > 0:08:51the door opened and he went out and it shut behind him.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54He was back in the car park.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56And there was a great big notice next to him which said,
0:08:56 > 0:09:00"You've just been screwed by the sisters of St Mary's Convent."
0:09:00 > 0:09:03LAUGHTER
0:09:06 > 0:09:08I went to visit this farmer the other day
0:09:08 > 0:09:11and, as I drove up to his farmhouse,
0:09:11 > 0:09:13I noticed that on the right-hand side of the track
0:09:13 > 0:09:16there was a field of pigs.
0:09:16 > 0:09:21And, amazingly, I noticed that one of these pigs had a wooden leg,
0:09:21 > 0:09:24so I said to the farmer when he answered the door,
0:09:24 > 0:09:28"That's amazing. One of your pigs has got a wooden leg."
0:09:28 > 0:09:32He said, "Oh, that pig is amazing. A fantastic pig."
0:09:32 > 0:09:35I said, "What's the story?"
0:09:35 > 0:09:38He said, "Well, I was driving home the other night
0:09:38 > 0:09:41"and I'll admit I'd had one or two too many
0:09:41 > 0:09:45"and, as I came up the track, my Land Rover left the road
0:09:45 > 0:09:49"and it went down the hill, turned over into the pond.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52"And I was trapped inside.
0:09:52 > 0:09:56"And I couldn't get my seat belt undone, the water was rising,
0:09:56 > 0:10:00"I was about to drown, and that pig, he saw what had happened,
0:10:00 > 0:10:04"he ran down the hill, he jumped over the fence, into the water,
0:10:04 > 0:10:07"swam across to the Land Rover, under the water, opened the door,
0:10:07 > 0:10:11"released to the seatbelt, and he saved my life."
0:10:11 > 0:10:13I said, "Well, that's fantastic.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15"That's astonishing that a pig could do that
0:10:15 > 0:10:18"but it still doesn't explain why he's got a wooden leg."
0:10:18 > 0:10:21He said, "Well, a marvellous pig like that,
0:10:21 > 0:10:24"you wouldn't want to eat it all at once, would you?"
0:10:24 > 0:10:27LAUGHTER
0:10:29 > 0:10:33Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman walk into a bar.
0:10:33 > 0:10:37The barman says, "Is this some sort of joke?"
0:10:37 > 0:10:39LAUGHTER
0:10:39 > 0:10:41So this visiting minister,
0:10:41 > 0:10:47he was waxing eloquently in his final prayer and he said,
0:10:47 > 0:10:49with his arms stretched to heaven,
0:10:49 > 0:10:54"Lord, without you we are nothing...
0:10:54 > 0:10:56..but dust."
0:10:56 > 0:11:00And he was stopped in his tracks by a little girl in the front row
0:11:00 > 0:11:02who said to her mum, loudly,
0:11:02 > 0:11:04"Mum, what's butt dust?"
0:11:04 > 0:11:06LAUGHTER
0:11:06 > 0:11:12There was a married couple, man and wife, who'd been arguing ever
0:11:12 > 0:11:17since they got married, morning till night, day after day,
0:11:17 > 0:11:20always, always arguing.
0:11:20 > 0:11:24But somehow, they reached their golden wedding and the children
0:11:24 > 0:11:28wondered what to give their parents as a golden wedding present.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31So in the end they decided to give them
0:11:31 > 0:11:34a free consultation at a psychiatrist.
0:11:35 > 0:11:39And the couple continued arguing, arguing on the way to the
0:11:39 > 0:11:43psychiatrist, arguing when they went into his consulting room.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48The psychiatrist was patient for a while and,
0:11:48 > 0:11:52as he got up from his desk, he came round to the front and said,
0:11:52 > 0:11:55"I'm going to do something I've never done before
0:11:55 > 0:11:58"in all my professional life."
0:11:58 > 0:12:02And he gives the wife a kiss on the lips
0:12:02 > 0:12:04and he turns to the husband and says,
0:12:04 > 0:12:08"Your wife needs this three times a week."
0:12:08 > 0:12:11The husband says, "I'll bring her in Monday, Wednesday and Friday."
0:12:11 > 0:12:13LAUGHTER
0:12:16 > 0:12:19A notice outside a church in Liverpool said,
0:12:19 > 0:12:24"If you've done with sin, come on in."
0:12:24 > 0:12:26Underneath, someone had written,
0:12:26 > 0:12:28"If not, ring Tracey on 0501..."
0:12:28 > 0:12:30LAUGHTER
0:12:30 > 0:12:34An architect, who's really interested in buildings,
0:12:34 > 0:12:38well, you'd have to be, but he loves churches
0:12:38 > 0:12:43and so he decides he's going to write a book about churches.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46He thinks he'll start somewhere in Scotland,
0:12:46 > 0:12:50so he flies up to Inverness and begins by going into one of the
0:12:50 > 0:12:52large churches there.
0:12:52 > 0:12:56He suddenly sees on the wall a gold telephone
0:12:56 > 0:13:00with a sign that says, "£10,000 a minute."
0:13:00 > 0:13:04So he thinks, this is very strange, so he goes in search of a clergyman
0:13:04 > 0:13:09and eventually catches up with a guy and says, "Why the gold telephone?
0:13:09 > 0:13:11"Why the sign, £10,000 a minute?"
0:13:11 > 0:13:15He said, "Ah, well, that's a direct line to God."
0:13:15 > 0:13:19"Oh, great," he said, and off he wanders and goes to another church.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21This time in Aberdeen.
0:13:21 > 0:13:26And in Aberdeen, sure enough on the walls, a gold telephone
0:13:26 > 0:13:27with a sign, £10,000.
0:13:27 > 0:13:32So he carries on going to different churches in Scotland and then
0:13:32 > 0:13:38he ventures over the border, goes to Carlisle, then across the Newcastle
0:13:38 > 0:13:43and in every cathedral and church he goes in he gets exactly the same.
0:13:43 > 0:13:50He sees a gold phone on the wall with a sign, £10,000 a minute.
0:13:50 > 0:13:54So then he goes down to York Minster.
0:13:54 > 0:13:59And in York Minster, there's the gold telephone on the wall
0:13:59 > 0:14:03with a sign that says, 25p a minute.
0:14:05 > 0:14:0725p? So he finds a clergyman and says,
0:14:07 > 0:14:11"Look, I've been to all these churches and every one I've gone in
0:14:11 > 0:14:16"has a gold phone and it always says £10,000 a minute.
0:14:16 > 0:14:22"So, why, when I come here to York Minster, is it only 25p a minute?"
0:14:22 > 0:14:27"Ah, well, son, tha's in Yorkshire now and it's a local call.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29LAUGHTER
0:14:31 > 0:14:34One of the great disappointments in my life
0:14:34 > 0:14:39is I missed out on having a midlife crisis. I went straight past it.
0:14:39 > 0:14:43I wasn't aware because I was looking forward to this.
0:14:43 > 0:14:48A great midlife crisis, because if you have a midlife crisis,
0:14:48 > 0:14:50I read this in a newspaper,
0:14:50 > 0:14:55it said normally you get a big blue motorbike
0:14:55 > 0:14:58or you go off with a concubine.
0:14:58 > 0:15:03I thought I've always wanted a big blue motorbike,
0:15:03 > 0:15:07one with the handlebars up here, you sit, cruise, one of them.
0:15:07 > 0:15:13So I says to my family, "I'm going to have a big blue motorbike."
0:15:13 > 0:15:17And they laughed and hooted and said three things.
0:15:17 > 0:15:21One, you're too old.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24Two, you can't afford it.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27Three, you'll keep falling off.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31OK.
0:15:31 > 0:15:35I'm going to get me a concubine.
0:15:35 > 0:15:39So they laughed and they hooted and they said, one, you're too old.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42Two, you can't afford it
0:15:42 > 0:15:45and three, you'll keep falling off.
0:15:45 > 0:15:46LAUGHTER
0:15:52 > 0:15:54So there's these two old ladies
0:15:54 > 0:15:57and they're sitting waiting to go into the floral exhibition.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59They're watching all the flowers going into this big tent
0:15:59 > 0:16:03and one says to the other, "God, I'm so bored. This is terrible.
0:16:03 > 0:16:07"For 20 quid I'd take off all my clothes and run into that tent."
0:16:07 > 0:16:10"Right," says the other, "You're on. Here's £20."
0:16:10 > 0:16:13So she takes off all her clothes and she streaks into this tent
0:16:13 > 0:16:16and there's a great cheer and a great commotion and she comes out and says,
0:16:16 > 0:16:21"Forget the £20, I got £100 for the best dried arrangement."
0:16:21 > 0:16:23LAUGHTER
0:16:25 > 0:16:29I heard a story of a vicar and he set down these rules that
0:16:29 > 0:16:33if people wanted to join his church, couples wanted to join his church,
0:16:33 > 0:16:36then they were to restrain from sex for two weeks.
0:16:36 > 0:16:40He had three couples who were waiting to join his church.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42There was a retired couple, middle-aged couple
0:16:42 > 0:16:44and a newly-married couple.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47So he told them what they weren't allowed to do.
0:16:47 > 0:16:51Two weeks went by and the retired couple came in and the vicar said,
0:16:51 > 0:16:52"How did you get on?"
0:16:52 > 0:16:54"No problem at all," they said.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57"Welcome to my church," he said.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00And then to the middle-aged couple, "So, how did you get on?"
0:17:00 > 0:17:02They said, "The first week, no problem at all.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05"The second week, I have to say it was a bit difficult.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08"I had to spend two or three nights down on the sofa."
0:17:08 > 0:17:10"Welcome to my church," he said.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12And then to the newly-married couple, he said,
0:17:12 > 0:17:14"Well, how did you get on?"
0:17:14 > 0:17:17"Not very well at all" said the young man.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20He said, "First night was OK and then the next day
0:17:20 > 0:17:25"my beautiful wife was bending to reach a tin of paint
0:17:25 > 0:17:28"and I was just overcome with love
0:17:28 > 0:17:31"and desire and passion
0:17:31 > 0:17:34"and I'm afraid, you know, I failed. We failed."
0:17:34 > 0:17:37He said, "I'm sorry, you're not welcome to our church."
0:17:37 > 0:17:40And he said, "No, we're not welcome at the local DIY either."
0:17:40 > 0:17:43LAUGHTER
0:17:49 > 0:17:54There was a zealous police constable came to the parish
0:17:54 > 0:17:58and she was booking everyone for the least thing.
0:17:58 > 0:17:59She was booking everyone.
0:17:59 > 0:18:03The only one she couldn't catch was the minister,
0:18:03 > 0:18:06but she knew that the minister went about the parish on his bike.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08She knew he came along the road where there was a zebra crossing
0:18:08 > 0:18:11and she thought, I'm going to have to get this minister,
0:18:11 > 0:18:15so she hid behind the bushes at the zebra crossing one day,
0:18:15 > 0:18:18knowing he came along at quite a pace and, true enough,
0:18:18 > 0:18:20the minister came along on his bike
0:18:20 > 0:18:25and just then the folks were about to cross the zebra crossing.
0:18:25 > 0:18:29The minister was going along and he just managed to stop
0:18:29 > 0:18:31just before he got to the zebra crossing.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34The policewoman thought she had him then and she jumped out and said,
0:18:34 > 0:18:37"I nearly had you there, minister."
0:18:37 > 0:18:40And the minister says, "Oh, you'll never get me."
0:18:40 > 0:18:42And she says, "Why not?"
0:18:42 > 0:18:45And he says, "Well, because God is always with me."
0:18:46 > 0:18:49And she says, "Right, you're booked.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51"Two on a bike."
0:18:51 > 0:18:53LAUGHTER
0:18:55 > 0:18:59Man gets home from work and comes into the kitchen,
0:18:59 > 0:19:03picks up the post, and says to his wife, "Great news, great news!"
0:19:03 > 0:19:07He says, "My Olympic condoms have arrived"
0:19:07 > 0:19:11and he says, "I think I'll wear gold tonight."
0:19:11 > 0:19:12And his wife says,
0:19:12 > 0:19:16"No, wear silver and then you'll come second for a change."
0:19:16 > 0:19:19LAUGHTER
0:19:26 > 0:19:31The Roman Catholic priest was waxing lyrical about horseracing
0:19:31 > 0:19:34and the Methodist minister said he'd never ever been to a horserace
0:19:34 > 0:19:37in his life
0:19:37 > 0:19:40because, of course, they're not allowed to gamble.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42The Roman Catholic priest said,
0:19:42 > 0:19:44"Oh, come along, you should just experience it.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47"You don't actually have to bet on any horses."
0:19:47 > 0:19:50So, in the end, the Methodist minister went that Saturday
0:19:50 > 0:19:54and just before the first race he saw the Catholic priest
0:19:54 > 0:19:59blessing a horse and it romped away and won the race by miles.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03The second race, the same thing happened.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05The Catholic priest blessed this horse
0:20:05 > 0:20:09and it shot away and romped off and it won the race by miles.
0:20:09 > 0:20:13So the Methodist minister's now getting really wound up,
0:20:13 > 0:20:16because he thinks this is a sure winner here, but I'm not
0:20:16 > 0:20:20allowed to gamble but, well, nobody is going to notice, are they?
0:20:20 > 0:20:22No one will ever know. Go on!
0:20:22 > 0:20:24So, next time he saw the priest blessing a horse,
0:20:24 > 0:20:28he quickly ran up to one of the bookies and put some money on it.
0:20:29 > 0:20:34The race started and the horse just fell down almost immediately
0:20:34 > 0:20:36and collapsed.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38Well, the minister was really fed up about this
0:20:38 > 0:20:40and he went up to the priest and said,
0:20:40 > 0:20:43"Look, you've blessed horses in the last two races and they romped away
0:20:43 > 0:20:48"and won by miles and now I actually went and bet on this last one
0:20:48 > 0:20:50"and it collapsed."
0:20:50 > 0:20:53And the priest says, "That's the trouble with you Protestants.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55"You can't tell the difference between a blessing
0:20:55 > 0:20:57"and the Last Rites."
0:20:57 > 0:20:58LAUGHTER
0:21:00 > 0:21:05Mick was planning a visit to London
0:21:05 > 0:21:10and he was telling his next-door neighbour, Mrs Dunn, all about it
0:21:10 > 0:21:13and says, "It's the first time I've been to London for a long time."
0:21:13 > 0:21:15And she said, "Oh, that's marvellous, Michael."
0:21:15 > 0:21:18She said, "I wonder while you're over there
0:21:18 > 0:21:21"whether you would mind looking up my son, Neely,
0:21:21 > 0:21:24"because it's been five months since he moved over there
0:21:24 > 0:21:27"and I haven't had the scrape of a pen from him."
0:21:27 > 0:21:31And Michael said, "Well, Mrs Dunn, it's a big place, London.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34"You wouldn't happen to have an address for him?"
0:21:34 > 0:21:40She said, "Well, no, I don't. I know that it was London, WC1."
0:21:40 > 0:21:44And Mick says, "Well, I'll do my best, but it's a big place."
0:21:44 > 0:21:47So he's going through the doors in Heathrow
0:21:47 > 0:21:52and he looks ahead of him and he sees a sign and it says WC
0:21:52 > 0:21:55and he thinks, "Ah, praise the saints, WC!"
0:21:55 > 0:21:58And he goes straight through the doors and there's two cubicles.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01One on the left and one on the right, number one, number two.
0:22:01 > 0:22:06And he knocks on number one and a voice says, "Who is it?"
0:22:06 > 0:22:09And Mick says, "Are you Neely Dunn?"
0:22:09 > 0:22:11LAUGHTER
0:22:13 > 0:22:17And the voice said, "Yes, but I can't find the paper."
0:22:17 > 0:22:18And Mick says,
0:22:18 > 0:22:21"Ah, that's a poor excuse for not writing to your poor old mother!"
0:22:21 > 0:22:23LAUGHTER
0:22:27 > 0:22:28Thank you.
0:22:30 > 0:22:34There's a touring circus going around the little towns of Ireland
0:22:34 > 0:22:39and, being good Catholics, all of them go for confession one night.
0:22:39 > 0:22:43When the last one is done, the priest there stops to
0:22:43 > 0:22:45talk to the last one and says, "What do you do?"
0:22:45 > 0:22:48He said, "I'm an acrobat, Father."
0:22:48 > 0:22:49"Get away," said the priest,
0:22:49 > 0:22:51"I haven't seen a circus since I was that high.
0:22:51 > 0:22:55"You couldn't do a quick turn for me now, could you?"
0:22:55 > 0:22:57"What, in church?" he says. "Go on," said the priest.
0:22:57 > 0:23:01"There's only me and Him watching and he won't mind, I promise you."
0:23:01 > 0:23:06Well, there was a long aisle, so the acrobat went to the West door,
0:23:06 > 0:23:10spat on his hands, took a run and did four flick-flacks,
0:23:10 > 0:23:14three baranis, two arab springs, a backward somersault
0:23:14 > 0:23:18and landed perfectly on his hands just in front of the high altar.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20There's a little old lady at the back of the church
0:23:20 > 0:23:22looking on horrified.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24She rushes home to her friend.
0:23:24 > 0:23:25"Bridey, my dear, Bridey,
0:23:25 > 0:23:27"would you be after going to confession tonight, my child?"
0:23:27 > 0:23:30Cos she was Welsh, you see(!)
0:23:30 > 0:23:32She said, "Yes, I would, Mary. Why do you ask?"
0:23:32 > 0:23:35She said, "Oh, my dear, put on a clean pair of drawers.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38"You want to see the penance the silly old fool is dishing out now!"
0:23:38 > 0:23:41LAUGHTER
0:23:41 > 0:23:43Are you settled down?
0:23:43 > 0:23:45Right.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47I shall begin.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49Once upon a time in a coreign fountry there lived
0:23:49 > 0:23:52a geautiful birl whose name was Rinder Cella.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55Also in the same coreign fountry there lived a prandsome hince.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58This prandsome hince was given a bancy fall and invited all
0:23:58 > 0:24:00the people from riles amound to go along to the bancy fall.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03And he invited Rinder Cella's mugly other and two sigly usters.
0:24:03 > 0:24:07So off they went to the drancy fesh shops to buy some drancy fesses.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10But poor little old Rinder Cella, as you know, sat at home
0:24:10 > 0:24:13and wept cos she only had some old rirty dags.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16But suddenly her Gairy Modfather appeared and waved a wagic mand
0:24:16 > 0:24:18and conjured up a cig boach and hix white sorses.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20But she said,
0:24:20 > 0:24:23"You must be back by nidmight or I'll purn you into a tumpkin."
0:24:23 > 0:24:25Well, off she went to the bancy fall.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27The prandsome hince met her at the door cos he'd been
0:24:27 > 0:24:31watching from a widden hindow high up in the tower
0:24:31 > 0:24:33and they nanced all dight and lell in fove.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35Well, suddenly the mig clock struck night
0:24:35 > 0:24:38and she staced down the rairs and on the way she slopped her dripper.
0:24:38 > 0:24:39Well, the next day,
0:24:39 > 0:24:42the prandsome hince went all round the coreign fountry
0:24:42 > 0:24:44looking for the geautiful birl that slopped the dripper
0:24:44 > 0:24:47and he came to Rinder Cella's house, banged on the door.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50Tried it on her mugly other, but it fidn't dit.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53Tried it on the two sigly usters, still fidn't did.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55But when he tried it on Rinder Cella, it fit did,
0:24:55 > 0:24:59and they got married and lived heftily hever hapwards.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02Well, being a vicar, there has to be a moral to this story,
0:25:02 > 0:25:03which is this.
0:25:03 > 0:25:07If you go to a bancy fall and you want a prandsome hince to
0:25:07 > 0:25:11lall in fove with you, don't forget to slop your dripper... innit?
0:25:11 > 0:25:13LAUGHTER
0:25:13 > 0:25:18The scoutmaster asks his scouts if they've done their good turn
0:25:18 > 0:25:22for the day and three boys quickly shoot up their hands,
0:25:22 > 0:25:27"Sir, sir, sir. We took an old lady over the road."
0:25:27 > 0:25:29So the scoutmaster says,
0:25:29 > 0:25:33"Well done, congratulations, but did it take three of you?"
0:25:33 > 0:25:36"Yes, sir, she didn't want to go."
0:25:36 > 0:25:37LAUGHTER
0:25:39 > 0:25:42A lady came to see me from the parish.
0:25:42 > 0:25:43She was really worried about her husband.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45Every night he was going down the pub
0:25:45 > 0:25:47and getting absolutely plastered.
0:25:47 > 0:25:52Every night, he was coming home absolutely sheet to the wind.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56She said, "What am I going to do?" and I said,
0:25:56 > 0:25:59"Well, I think really you've got to give him a shock,
0:25:59 > 0:26:02"something that will shake him to the core
0:26:02 > 0:26:04"and he'll stop all this at a stroke."
0:26:06 > 0:26:10So I suggested a plan to her that she should...
0:26:10 > 0:26:13I knew that this man, every night, after he left the pub,
0:26:13 > 0:26:17he cut through the churchyard on his way back home, so I said,
0:26:17 > 0:26:20"What you need to do, you go behind the biggest gravestone,
0:26:20 > 0:26:23"you get a big sheet on you, and when he's coming past you,
0:26:23 > 0:26:25"just jump out on him.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28"That should scare the living daylights out of him."
0:26:28 > 0:26:31So she did. The next night, she was behind the gravestone,
0:26:31 > 0:26:34closing time came, she waited there.
0:26:34 > 0:26:37Along he comes, you know, singing away -
0:26:37 > 0:26:39# Show me the way to go home # -
0:26:39 > 0:26:42and she jumps out at him and says,
0:26:42 > 0:26:45"I am the devil and I have come for your soul!"
0:26:45 > 0:26:49And the man says, "Aye, well, we're related, cos I married your sister."
0:26:49 > 0:26:51LAUGHTER
0:26:55 > 0:26:58I'm from up north and we're not very bright up north.
0:26:58 > 0:27:02There were these two chaps on a train, one from Lancashire
0:27:02 > 0:27:04and one from Yorkshire,
0:27:04 > 0:27:08and the Lancashire man had a sack in his hand and it had something moving
0:27:08 > 0:27:12in it and the Yorkshireman says, "what have you got in that sack?"
0:27:12 > 0:27:15The Lancashire man says, rabbits.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18The Yorkshire man says, "I'll tell you what,
0:27:18 > 0:27:23"if I guess how many rabbits you've got in that sack, can I have one?"
0:27:23 > 0:27:27The Lancashire man says, "If you can guess how many rabbits I've got
0:27:27 > 0:27:29"in this sack, you can have them both."
0:27:29 > 0:27:31LAUGHTER
0:27:31 > 0:27:33One more, if you can bear it.
0:27:33 > 0:27:37There were two nuns and they just joined the convent
0:27:37 > 0:27:43and the Mother Superior issued them with their brand-new habits
0:27:43 > 0:27:47and says, "Right, your first job is to paint your room.
0:27:47 > 0:27:51"But don't get any paint on these new habits whatever you do."
0:27:51 > 0:27:55So they go to their room and one says to the other,
0:27:55 > 0:28:00"I don't know how we're going to avoid getting paint on our habits."
0:28:00 > 0:28:03And the other one says, "I know what we'll do,
0:28:03 > 0:28:08"we'll take our habits off, fold them up, and then we can paint.
0:28:08 > 0:28:12"We won't have anything on, but we can still paint the room."
0:28:12 > 0:28:15Fair enough, so they start painting the room,
0:28:15 > 0:28:17and then there's a knock at the door
0:28:17 > 0:28:20and they go, "Ooh!" cos they locked the door.
0:28:20 > 0:28:23They say, "Who is it?"
0:28:23 > 0:28:27And they hear this voice saying, "Blind man."
0:28:27 > 0:28:30And they say, "What we going to do?"
0:28:30 > 0:28:33They said, "Well, he's blind, what's the harm? We'll just let him in."
0:28:33 > 0:28:35So they go over to the door, unlock it,
0:28:35 > 0:28:40this bloke comes in and he says, "Cor, nice tits!
0:28:40 > 0:28:42"Now where do you want me to hang the blind?"
0:28:42 > 0:28:45LAUGHTER
0:28:45 > 0:28:47(I think that's enough!)
0:28:48 > 0:28:50APPLAUSE
0:29:09 > 0:29:13Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd