0:00:15 > 0:00:19Guy arrives at the gates of heaven, where he's greeted by Saint Peter.
0:00:19 > 0:00:20And Saint Peter says to him,
0:00:20 > 0:00:23"Right, tell me something about your life
0:00:23 > 0:00:26"and anything you've done that's good in your life."
0:00:26 > 0:00:28So the man's standing there about five minutes.
0:00:28 > 0:00:30He's racking his brains, can't think of anything.
0:00:30 > 0:00:33"OK," said Saint Peter, "Let's have a little go at bravery.
0:00:33 > 0:00:36"Anything you've done in your life that's brave?"
0:00:36 > 0:00:39He said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I'm a referee by trade
0:00:39 > 0:00:43"and I was refereeing a game at Anfield, Liverpool versus Everton.
0:00:43 > 0:00:48"And 90 minutes, almost 90 minutes had gone by, 89 minutes had gone by
0:00:48 > 0:00:51"and there was a penalty decision I had to make in front of the Kop.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54"And it was a penalty for Everton and I gave the penalty.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56"And I thought, how brave was that?"
0:00:56 > 0:00:58So Saint Peter said, "Yeah, I've got to say, that was brave."
0:00:58 > 0:01:03He said, "How long ago was this?" He said, "About three minutes ago!"
0:01:03 > 0:01:04LAUGHTER
0:01:05 > 0:01:08Yeah, so there's two old football fans, they're in the park
0:01:08 > 0:01:10and they're feeding the pigeons.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12And they're having a good chat, chatting away about football.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15And one says to the other, "Do you know what, Alan?" He says,
0:01:15 > 0:01:17"Do you think there's any football in heaven?"
0:01:17 > 0:01:19He said, "Well, I'm not sure, Mikey,
0:01:19 > 0:01:20"but, you know, surely there must be."
0:01:20 > 0:01:23He says, "I tell you what, why don't we have a pact?
0:01:23 > 0:01:25"That whenever one of us dies first, when they go to heaven
0:01:25 > 0:01:28"and they find out if there's football or not,
0:01:28 > 0:01:30"they come back and let the other one know."
0:01:30 > 0:01:32He said, "That's brilliant, what a great idea."
0:01:32 > 0:01:36So sure enough, Alan passes away and goes to heaven.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39A couple of months later, he hears this voice shouting at him.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43"Mikey, Mikey!" And Mikey turns round and says,
0:01:43 > 0:01:45"Is that you, Alan?" He says, "Yes, it is."
0:01:45 > 0:01:48He says, "Oh, Alan, did you find out about the football in heaven?"
0:01:48 > 0:01:51He said, "Yeah, I did." And he went, "And?" So he says, "Good news!"
0:01:51 > 0:01:54He said, "What is it?" "There is football in heaven!"
0:01:54 > 0:01:57He says, "That's fantastic." He says, "Yeah, there's some bad news,
0:01:57 > 0:02:00though." He says, "What?" He says, "You're in goals on Sunday, pal!"
0:02:00 > 0:02:02LAUGHTER
0:02:02 > 0:02:07So a teacher at a Southampton school asked her class who supported
0:02:07 > 0:02:09Southampton Football Club.
0:02:09 > 0:02:13They all raised their hands, except one young lad.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15And the teacher said to him, "Well, who do you support?"
0:02:15 > 0:02:18He said, "I support Portsmouth.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20"Because my mum and dad are Portsmouth supporters."
0:02:20 > 0:02:24And the teacher said to him, "If your mum and dad were morons,
0:02:24 > 0:02:26"would you be a moron?"
0:02:26 > 0:02:29"No," said the lad, "then I'd be a Southampton fan!"
0:02:29 > 0:02:31LAUGHTER
0:02:33 > 0:02:35A man goes for an interview
0:02:35 > 0:02:38and at the interview he's asked what his worst quality is.
0:02:38 > 0:02:44He thinks for a minute and then he goes, "Phhhh, I'm too honest."
0:02:44 > 0:02:45And the interviewer says,
0:02:45 > 0:02:48"Well, honesty, I think that's a good quality."
0:02:48 > 0:02:51And the man says, "I couldn't give a shit what you think!"
0:02:51 > 0:02:52LAUGHTER
0:02:54 > 0:02:58What do you call a sleep walking nun? A Roaming Catholic!
0:02:58 > 0:02:59LAUGHTER
0:02:59 > 0:03:03Did you ever hear about that movie, Constipation?
0:03:03 > 0:03:05Well, it never came out.
0:03:05 > 0:03:06LAUGHTER
0:03:08 > 0:03:11What's brown and sits in the forest?
0:03:12 > 0:03:14Winnie's poo.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16LAUGHTER
0:03:18 > 0:03:22The kids have threw up all over the place this morning.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25I told them I put ginger in the curry.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27They loved that cat.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29LAUGHTER
0:03:33 > 0:03:37Little camel, he says to his mum, "Mum, you know,
0:03:37 > 0:03:43"I feel a little bit like a girl." She says, "Why do you feel that way?"
0:03:43 > 0:03:46He says, "Well, what are these cushioned hooves for?"
0:03:46 > 0:03:50She says, "Well, as camels, when we go thousands
0:03:50 > 0:03:54"and thousands of miles through the desert, you know, we get blisters.
0:03:54 > 0:03:59"And these cushioned hooves protect you from getting blisters.
0:03:59 > 0:04:00"You know?"
0:04:00 > 0:04:06He says, "Oh, OK." He says, "And what about this thing on my back?
0:04:06 > 0:04:08"This hump?"
0:04:08 > 0:04:11She says, "Well, you know, when we go thousands
0:04:11 > 0:04:15"and thousands of miles through the desert, that stores your food.
0:04:15 > 0:04:20"Your milk, your water, and that restores your energy."
0:04:20 > 0:04:25"Oh, OK. All right, I get that, yes. One last one, Mum.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29"What about these wee girlie eyelashes?"
0:04:30 > 0:04:34She says, "Son, when we go thousands and thousands of miles through
0:04:34 > 0:04:38"the desert, it frequently whips up these sandstorms.
0:04:38 > 0:04:42"And these eyelashes protect you from getting sand in your eyes."
0:04:42 > 0:04:46He says, "Well, what the hell are we doing in Edinburgh zoo?!"
0:04:46 > 0:04:48LAUGHTER
0:04:49 > 0:04:52A man goes home to his wife one day and she said to him,
0:04:52 > 0:04:57"Why don't you just pack your bags and leave, you lazy bastard?"
0:04:57 > 0:04:59He said, "You pack them!"
0:04:59 > 0:05:01LAUGHTER
0:05:01 > 0:05:03In the doctor's the other day, I said,
0:05:03 > 0:05:05"Doctor, I keep having this dream, this recurring dream.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07"All these beautiful women are running at me.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10"And I just keep pushing them away with my arms."
0:05:10 > 0:05:12And the doctor said, "Well, what do you want me to do?"
0:05:12 > 0:05:15I said, "Well, is there something you could do with my arms?"
0:05:15 > 0:05:16LAUGHTER
0:05:16 > 0:05:18I didn't believe it when they said my dad was stealing
0:05:18 > 0:05:20from his job as a road worker.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22But when I got home, all the signs were there!
0:05:22 > 0:05:24LAUGHTER
0:05:24 > 0:05:26So Paddy and Murphy were walking down the street
0:05:26 > 0:05:28and they hear about this job opportunity in St John's Wood.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31So Paddy says to Murphy, "Hey, Murph, you wait in the pub,
0:05:31 > 0:05:33"I'll go down and see about this job opportunity."
0:05:33 > 0:05:35He goes to this building site and knocks on the manager's door.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37He said, "Excuse me, I'm Paddy from Limerick.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40"I've come about the brick laying job here on site."
0:05:40 > 0:05:43He said, "Well, this is St John's Wood, it's a very upmarket area.
0:05:43 > 0:05:44"Really upmarket.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47"And what we want, we want some interaction between, you know,
0:05:47 > 0:05:49"the construction workers and the clientele."
0:05:49 > 0:05:53He said, "Do you read much, you know, about poetry and things like that?"
0:05:53 > 0:05:56He said, "I don't know much about poetry, I'm from Limerick."
0:05:56 > 0:05:58He said, "Well, tell you what, run me a line of bricks
0:05:58 > 0:05:59"and let me see."
0:05:59 > 0:06:02He runs a line of bricks and he said, "I've got to say, Paddy, that is
0:06:02 > 0:06:04"one of the finest lines of bricks I've ever seen."
0:06:04 > 0:06:07He said, "I tell you what, I'll give you a word, and if you can make
0:06:07 > 0:06:10"a little sentence or a ditty out of that word, you've got the job."
0:06:10 > 0:06:12He said, "OK, Sir, what's the word?"
0:06:12 > 0:06:14He said, "Well, the word is donkey jacket."
0:06:14 > 0:06:18He said, "Oh, dear," he said, "Oh! I've got the very thing.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21"I've got an old brown donkey jacket, I got it from my mate.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24"It keeps me warm in winter, it never makes me late."
0:06:24 > 0:06:25He said, "You've got the job!"
0:06:25 > 0:06:28So Paddy turns round, sprints back to the pub.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31He says, "Hey, Murph, that building site, now listen to this.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34"Donkey jacket. I've got an old brown donkey jacket, got it from my mate.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36"Keeps you warm in winter, never makes me late."
0:06:36 > 0:06:40So Murphy, "Excuse me, sir, Murphy from Limerick, come about the job."
0:06:40 > 0:06:43He said, "Well, it's a very upmarket area. St John's Wood.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45"A lot of, you know, high net worth individuals, a lot of people
0:06:45 > 0:06:48"from the BBC, you know, work around this area. Lovely place."
0:06:48 > 0:06:50He said, "So what I want you to do is", he says,
0:06:50 > 0:06:53"do you know much about literature and about poetry?"
0:06:53 > 0:06:56He said, "Oh, nothing about poetry, sir. I'm from Limerick."
0:06:56 > 0:06:58He said, "Well, tell you what, run me a line of bricks
0:06:58 > 0:07:00"and I'll see how you can do." So he runs his line of bricks.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02He said, "I've got to say, Murphy,
0:07:02 > 0:07:04"that's an absolutely sensational line of bricks."
0:07:04 > 0:07:07He said, "I'll tell you what, I'll give you a word and if you can
0:07:07 > 0:07:10"make a little ditty or sentence out of that word, you've got the job."
0:07:10 > 0:07:12He said, "Yes, sir, what would be the word?"
0:07:12 > 0:07:14He said, "The word is fascinate."
0:07:14 > 0:07:19"Oh," he said, "Jesus Christ! Oh, I've got the very thing.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22"I've got an old brown donkey jacket, I've got it from my mate.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25"It's got ten buttons but I can only fasten eight!"
0:07:25 > 0:07:26LAUGHTER
0:07:30 > 0:07:35Mrs Mankovich, I like long names, she was in court for shoplifting
0:07:35 > 0:07:38two tins of peaches from the local supermarket.
0:07:38 > 0:07:42The judge very solemnly pronounces, "Mrs Mankovich,
0:07:42 > 0:07:46"the judgment is that you go to prison for six days.
0:07:46 > 0:07:50"You had two tins of peaches, there was three peaches in each tin.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52"That's six days."
0:07:52 > 0:07:56All of a sudden, a voice at the back of the court, it was Mr Mankovich.
0:07:56 > 0:08:01Shouts out as loud as possible, "She also stole two tins of peas, Judge!"
0:08:01 > 0:08:02LAUGHTER
0:08:02 > 0:08:04So it's Prince Charles' birthday.
0:08:04 > 0:08:08And he's going to the Palace, to see his mum, he's going
0:08:08 > 0:08:09to have a big do and he's late.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12He's well late and he goes steaming through the gates,
0:08:12 > 0:08:15round the back of the big house. Straight over a corgi.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17And he looks, he thinks, "Oh, no!
0:08:17 > 0:08:21"I don't know what I'm going to do, she's going to go mad now. I'm late."
0:08:21 > 0:08:25Gets out of the car, and the corgi's flat. He's gone right over it.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28And he's really panicking. All of a sudden, a genie appears.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31And he looks round, he goes, "Son, you're lucky, I'm a genie.
0:08:31 > 0:08:35"And because you're royalty, you get one wish in your life,
0:08:35 > 0:08:38"one wish at an opportune moment. And I've just appeared now."
0:08:38 > 0:08:39He went, "Oh, that's fantastic."
0:08:39 > 0:08:44He said, "That corgi down there," he said, "My mum is going to go mad."
0:08:44 > 0:08:46He went, "I'm late for this do," he said, "I've gone over the corgi.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49"Can you put it back together again for me?"
0:08:49 > 0:08:52So the genie looks at it and he walks round it, its tail over there,
0:08:52 > 0:08:53its head there, its leg there.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56He goes, "I'll be honest with you, mate, I'm only a genie,
0:08:56 > 0:08:57"I ain't a magician."
0:08:57 > 0:09:00He went, "I can't do anything with that, you've got no chance."
0:09:00 > 0:09:02So he went, "I don't know what to do, then, I'm struggling."
0:09:02 > 0:09:04So he goes to get back in the car and the genie said,
0:09:04 > 0:09:06"Hold on a minute, you've still got a wish.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09"Is there something else you want?" So he goes, "I don't know.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11"I tell you what, my Camilla..." He said, "Yeah?"
0:09:11 > 0:09:14He said, "Could you make her the prettiest woman in the world,
0:09:14 > 0:09:15"admired by everybody?"
0:09:15 > 0:09:19And the genie goes, "I tell you what, let's have another look at that dog!"
0:09:19 > 0:09:20LAUGHTER
0:09:29 > 0:09:30There's this farmer,
0:09:30 > 0:09:33and it's the middle of winter and all these cows are frozen.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36And he's stood there, looking at all these cows,
0:09:36 > 0:09:37and he doesn't know what to do.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40A little old lady comes walking past and she's got a little
0:09:40 > 0:09:43trolley behind her. And she goes, "Oh, can I help?"
0:09:43 > 0:09:46He goes, "All my cows are frozen, I don't know what to do."
0:09:46 > 0:09:49So she says, "Look, don't worry, dear, I'll sort it out."
0:09:49 > 0:09:52So she puts her trolley down, goes into the field,
0:09:52 > 0:09:55goes up to the first cow and blows lightly on it. Phhh.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58And the cow defrosts in front of his eyes.
0:09:58 > 0:10:02She goes up to the next one, she blows lightly on it. Phhhh.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04And the second cow defrosts in front of his eyes.
0:10:04 > 0:10:08She does that to all the cows in the field. This guy's ecstatic.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10He goes, "That's absolutely amazing!"
0:10:10 > 0:10:12He said, "Look, can I take your name and number,
0:10:12 > 0:10:14"just in case it happens again?" She said, "Look, yes.
0:10:14 > 0:10:19"My number's 684 7748. And my name is Thora Hird!"
0:10:19 > 0:10:21LAUGHTER
0:10:24 > 0:10:31That takes me forward to the story about the little polar bear,
0:10:31 > 0:10:34who said, "Mummy, am I a real polar bear?"
0:10:34 > 0:10:36She said, "Son, of course you are.
0:10:36 > 0:10:41"You know what, you're pedigree, you're a fully fledged polar bear.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44"You've got to stop asking me about these questions, you're annoying me.
0:10:44 > 0:10:48"Away and talk to your dad." So he said, "Dad, am I a real polar bear?"
0:10:48 > 0:10:50He says, "Yes, son, why are you asking that?"
0:10:50 > 0:10:53He said, "Was there not a wee bit of brown bear in me?
0:10:53 > 0:10:57"Or grizzly, you know, or black bear? Koala bear, even."
0:10:57 > 0:11:01He said, "Son, you're a polar bear through and through.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03"Why are you asking me all these questions?"
0:11:03 > 0:11:05He says, "Cos I'm bloody freezing!"
0:11:05 > 0:11:06LAUGHTER
0:11:08 > 0:11:10Two monkeys in a bath.
0:11:10 > 0:11:11One monkey turns to the other one and goes,
0:11:11 > 0:11:14"Oooh ooh oooh ooh aaah aaahh aaahh!"
0:11:14 > 0:11:17And the other one says, "Well, put some more cold in, then!"
0:11:17 > 0:11:18LAUGHTER
0:11:20 > 0:11:23Two aerials met on a roof. Fell in love, got married.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26The ceremony was rubbish, the reception was brilliant!
0:11:26 > 0:11:28LAUGHTER
0:11:28 > 0:11:32A fella goes in the pub one night, stood at the bar, orders his pint.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35And there's a bird stood next to him.
0:11:35 > 0:11:39And as he's ordered his pint of lager, her eye pops out.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41Coming down onto the floor.
0:11:41 > 0:11:47He grabs it, catches it, gives it back to her. She pops it back in.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49As the pint comes back, the woman says, "I'll pay for that,"
0:11:49 > 0:11:53and buys him a beer. "Oh, fantastic, thanks very much."
0:11:53 > 0:11:55So they have a bit of banter.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58Buy each other a few more drinks, get to the end of the night and
0:11:58 > 0:12:01she says to the guy, "Do you fancy coming back to my place?"
0:12:01 > 0:12:04So the fella's gone, "All right then, I'll come back."
0:12:04 > 0:12:07Anyway, six o'clock in the morning, he thinks it's time to get up
0:12:07 > 0:12:09and go off to work.
0:12:09 > 0:12:13He says to the bird, "Do you always take blokes back on the first date?"
0:12:13 > 0:12:16And she said, "Only those that catch my eye!"
0:12:16 > 0:12:18LAUGHTER
0:12:22 > 0:12:25Lionel Messi is in a bar in Barcelona,
0:12:25 > 0:12:28where he sees this beautiful, beautiful woman.
0:12:28 > 0:12:32He goes over and starts chatting to her.
0:12:32 > 0:12:38She invites him back to her place. Things are going really well.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.
0:12:40 > 0:12:44And the woman tells him to get comfortable on the bed
0:12:44 > 0:12:47while she goes to the bathroom to freshen up.
0:12:49 > 0:12:57She comes back to find Messi in bed with two fellas, who are nude.
0:12:58 > 0:13:02She turns round and says to Messi, "What the hell is going on?"
0:13:02 > 0:13:04"I'm really, really very sorry,
0:13:04 > 0:13:09"but I just can't perform without Xavi and Iniesta!"
0:13:09 > 0:13:11LAUGHTER
0:13:11 > 0:13:13What team does a pirate support?
0:13:13 > 0:13:14Aaaar-senal!
0:13:14 > 0:13:15LAUGHTER
0:13:15 > 0:13:17Got it?
0:13:17 > 0:13:20Why would Cinderella not be good at football?
0:13:20 > 0:13:24Because she runs away from the ball! And the coach is a pumpkin!
0:13:25 > 0:13:27One day, a bank robber walks into a bank.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29He goes in with a sack, throws it to the teller
0:13:29 > 0:13:33and demands that he fills it full of cash. He turns and he walks away.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35As he does so, a brave young man jumps up
0:13:35 > 0:13:37and rips the hood off the top of his head.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40The bank robber coolly looks round and shoots the man.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43He looks round the bank to see if anybody else has seen his face.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45And a teller is looking straight at him.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48He walks across and coolly kills him.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50He turns and he walks away and he screams,
0:13:50 > 0:13:54"Has anybody else seen my face?" And it's all very quiet.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57Until a little old fella in the far corner tentatively raises his arm
0:13:57 > 0:14:01and says, "I think my wife might have caught a glimpse!"
0:14:01 > 0:14:02LAUGHTER
0:14:06 > 0:14:09There was a guy who died and his best mate wanted to give him
0:14:09 > 0:14:14a send-off in the paper. And he was a bit tight, this lad.
0:14:14 > 0:14:15I won't tell you where he come from.
0:14:15 > 0:14:20But anyhow, he rung the newspaper up and he said to the girl on
0:14:20 > 0:14:22the ads desk, "Can you put this in about my mate, Isaac?"
0:14:22 > 0:14:26He said, "He's died and passed away peacefully in his sleep
0:14:26 > 0:14:28"at the age of so-and-so.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30"Rest in peace." And she said, "Yeah."
0:14:30 > 0:14:32"How much will that be?" he said.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35So she's worked it out and she said, "About 45 quid."
0:14:35 > 0:14:37He said, "45 quid for that?"
0:14:37 > 0:14:40She said, "Well, you are allowed up to 50 letters."
0:14:40 > 0:14:42So he went, "Oh, right."
0:14:42 > 0:14:44So he took a deep breath and thought about it.
0:14:44 > 0:14:45And he said, "Well, in that case,
0:14:45 > 0:14:49"could you put in Isaac so-and-so, passed away peacefully in his sleep.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51"Rest in peace. Full stop.
0:14:51 > 0:14:55"And then, 1953 Ford Cortina, needs quite a bit of restoration.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58"250 quid or nearest offer."
0:14:58 > 0:15:00LAUGHTER
0:15:00 > 0:15:02What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?
0:15:02 > 0:15:04You can't tuna fish!
0:15:04 > 0:15:06LAUGHTER
0:15:07 > 0:15:10I went to the zoo the other day. There was only one dog in it.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12It was a Shih Tzu.
0:15:12 > 0:15:13LAUGHTER
0:15:13 > 0:15:17What do you call two spiders that have just got married?
0:15:17 > 0:15:19Newly webs.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23What's got two legs and bleeds a lot?
0:15:23 > 0:15:25Half a cat.
0:15:25 > 0:15:26LAUGHTER
0:15:26 > 0:15:30A real good mate of mine met his dream girl on holiday.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33They spent every minute together in the sun.
0:15:33 > 0:15:37On the last night, he said, "I've got a confession to make.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40"I'm crazy and obsessed about golf and I'm wondering
0:15:40 > 0:15:42"whether this may be a problem to you.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44"If it is, perhaps we ought to call it a day."
0:15:44 > 0:15:47The girl immediately responded and said,
0:15:47 > 0:15:50"I also have a confession to make. I'm a hooker."
0:15:50 > 0:15:54My mate immediately replied, "It's probably because you don't keep
0:15:54 > 0:15:56"your left wrist straight."
0:15:56 > 0:15:59LAUGHTER
0:15:59 > 0:16:01Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb
0:16:01 > 0:16:04and Quasimodo are in the pub having a drink together.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07Sleeping Beauty says, "I don't think there's any doubt
0:16:07 > 0:16:09"that I'm the most beautiful lady in the world."
0:16:09 > 0:16:10And Tom Thumb says, "Well,
0:16:10 > 0:16:14"I don't think there's any doubt I'm the smallest person in the world."
0:16:14 > 0:16:16And Quasimodo says, "Well, unfortunately,
0:16:16 > 0:16:19"I don't think there's any doubt I'm the most repulsive in the world."
0:16:19 > 0:16:22So they're having a chat, he says, "I tell you what, why don't we ring
0:16:22 > 0:16:24"the Guinness book of records and put it to bed,
0:16:24 > 0:16:26"know exactly if that's the case?"
0:16:26 > 0:16:28So, Sleeping Beauty comes back in.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31She says, "Listen, I am the most beautiful lady in the world."
0:16:31 > 0:16:33He says, "That's brilliant, Sleeping Beauty."
0:16:33 > 0:16:36So Tom Thumb then comes back in and says, "Guess what?" He says, "What, Tom?"
0:16:36 > 0:16:38He says, "I am the smallest man in the world."
0:16:38 > 0:16:40"Oh, that's brilliant."
0:16:40 > 0:16:44A couple of minutes later, Quasimodo comes in with a face like thunder.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46And he says, "You all right, Quasimodo?"
0:16:46 > 0:16:49He says, "No, who the fuck is Piers Morgan?"
0:16:49 > 0:16:50LAUGHTER
0:16:59 > 0:17:04To donate to Sport Relief right now, just text JOKE to 70005
0:17:04 > 0:17:07and Sport Relief will get five pounds to help transform
0:17:07 > 0:17:09the lives of poor and vulnerable people,
0:17:09 > 0:17:12both in the UK and some of the world's poorest countries.
0:17:12 > 0:17:16Texts cost five pounds plus your standard network message charge
0:17:16 > 0:17:19and the whole five pounds goes to Sport Relief.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22You must be 16 or over and please do ask the bill payer's permission.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25For full terms and conditions and more information,
0:17:25 > 0:17:29go to bbc.co.uk/sportrelief.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39Elderly man goes to the doctor's.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42And the doctor requires him to give a sperm sample.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45So the doctor says to him, gives him a jar, "Take that home,
0:17:45 > 0:17:48"come back tomorrow with your sperm sample." He said, "Yeah, no problem."
0:17:48 > 0:17:51So he jumps on the bus, gets himself back home.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54Comes back the following day, nothing in the jar.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56So the doctor said, "What happened?" He said, "Quite simple."
0:17:56 > 0:17:58He said, "I went home,
0:17:58 > 0:18:01"I tried it with my right hand, no luck.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03"I tried it with my left hand, no luck."
0:18:03 > 0:18:05He said, "I even got the wife involved.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07"She tried both her hands, still no luck.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10"She tried it with her mouth, still no luck.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13"So he went next door to the lady next door, one of the neighbours.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15"She tried it with both hands, no luck.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17"She tried it with her mouth, no luck.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19"Even tried it between her knees.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22"And not one of us could get the damn lid off the jar!"
0:18:22 > 0:18:23LAUGHTER
0:18:25 > 0:18:29Get on a train, St Pancras, going to that beautiful town called Luton.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31Was sitting in a compartment, lovely lady opposite.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33Got a newspaper, reading a newspaper.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35First station we come to,
0:18:35 > 0:18:39she rolls up one of the pages of the newspaper, throws it out the window.
0:18:39 > 0:18:43It was a surprising thing to do. Next station, Mill Hill.
0:18:43 > 0:18:47Does the same thing, rolls up a piece of paper, throws it out the window.
0:18:47 > 0:18:51Next station, we come to Hendon, same thing. And it goes on.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53Redbourne, Harpenden, and at the end of the day,
0:18:53 > 0:18:55the curiosity overtakes me.
0:18:55 > 0:18:59I say to her, "Excuse me asking, I don't want to be too nosy,
0:18:59 > 0:19:03"but you've done that every station on the way to Luton.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06"Apart from it being not quite right that you should do that
0:19:06 > 0:19:09"and litter the countryside, could you tell me,
0:19:09 > 0:19:12"please, I've got to know, why do you do that?"
0:19:12 > 0:19:15She said, "It's to keep the elephants away."
0:19:15 > 0:19:17"But there are no elephants."
0:19:17 > 0:19:20"Yeah, I know. Simple, but effective, isn't it?"
0:19:20 > 0:19:22LAUGHTER
0:19:22 > 0:19:27One day I met a fairy who said to me that she would grant me one wish.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30I said, "I want to live for ever."
0:19:30 > 0:19:33She said, "I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that."
0:19:33 > 0:19:35"Fine," I said,
0:19:35 > 0:19:39"I want to die when Scunthorpe United win the Premiership."
0:19:39 > 0:19:41The fairy said, "You crafty sod!"
0:19:41 > 0:19:42LAUGHTER
0:19:44 > 0:19:46So I went to do an after-dinner speech in Liverpool
0:19:46 > 0:19:49and I pulled up in my car and there was a young 12-year-old lad
0:19:49 > 0:19:51stood there with his hands in his pockets.
0:19:51 > 0:19:55He said, "Excuse me, mate, can I mind your car for a tenner?"
0:19:55 > 0:19:58I said, "It's all right, mate, I've got my Alsatian with me."
0:19:58 > 0:20:01He said, "What, can he put fires out?"
0:20:01 > 0:20:03LAUGHTER
0:20:03 > 0:20:06A black piece of tarmac goes into a bar
0:20:06 > 0:20:09and he said to the barman, "I want a drink, now."
0:20:09 > 0:20:11He said, "Cos I'm the hardest person in here
0:20:11 > 0:20:14"and I will fight anybody who wants to fight me."
0:20:14 > 0:20:16So the barman gives him a drink and he walks up to the corner
0:20:16 > 0:20:18and starts drinking.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21About five minutes later, a red piece of tarmac comes in.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23And he goes up to the barman and says, "I am the hardest person
0:20:23 > 0:20:26"in here and I'll fight anybody who wants to fight me.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28"Give me a drink now."
0:20:28 > 0:20:29So the barman gives him a drink.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31And he drinks his drink and goes out.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33The barman walks up to the black piece of tarmac.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35He says, "I thought you was the hardest person."
0:20:35 > 0:20:37He said, "Why didn't you fight him?"
0:20:37 > 0:20:40He says, "I'm not fighting him, he's a cycle path!"
0:20:40 > 0:20:42LAUGHTER
0:20:42 > 0:20:45I wanted to introduce some yoga here at the training ground
0:20:45 > 0:20:48and I said to the boys, I asked them how flexible they are.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51And they said they can't do Tuesdays.
0:20:51 > 0:20:52LAUGHTER
0:20:54 > 0:20:56When I was about 19 I got in the Chesterfield first team,
0:20:56 > 0:20:59we played Mansfield away. And we're getting off the bus
0:20:59 > 0:21:02and I'm big time Charlie, I've just got in the first team.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04I've got my gear on and all that. I look smart.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06And I get off the bus, there's about five or six young girls there
0:21:06 > 0:21:10and I look at one, I said, "Darling, where have you been all my life?"
0:21:10 > 0:21:14And she looked at me and she went, "Hiding!"
0:21:14 > 0:21:16And I went like that!
0:21:16 > 0:21:19All my mates... Killed me!
0:21:19 > 0:21:23Ah ha-ha. She was a redhead. No hair, just a red head.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25She had blonde hair all down her back.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28None on her head, just down her back. Ha har, it's the way I tell them!
0:21:28 > 0:21:30That was Frank Carson, weren't it?!
0:21:30 > 0:21:33Why did the lobster get thrown out of the pub?
0:21:33 > 0:21:34He was giving it all that!
0:21:36 > 0:21:41Breaking news. Wayne Rooney's asked for a transfer.
0:21:41 > 0:21:45David Moyes has asked him to put it in writing.
0:21:45 > 0:21:46That's the end of that one, then!
0:21:46 > 0:21:48LAUGHTER
0:21:51 > 0:21:53Got a bit of bad news the other day.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56A friend of mine went out for a curry, became violently ill,
0:21:56 > 0:21:57taken to hospital.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00He's stable now, but is still in a Korma!
0:22:00 > 0:22:02LAUGHTER
0:22:02 > 0:22:05What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?
0:22:05 > 0:22:06An irrelephant!
0:22:06 > 0:22:08LAUGHTER
0:22:08 > 0:22:10I've just written a song about a tortilla.
0:22:10 > 0:22:13Well, it's a bit more of a wrap, really!
0:22:13 > 0:22:14LAUGHTER
0:22:14 > 0:22:15All right, fellas?
0:22:15 > 0:22:18What does a cow say with no lips?
0:22:18 > 0:22:19"Ooooh!"
0:22:19 > 0:22:21LAUGHTER
0:22:21 > 0:22:23What's the funniest thing in the kitchen?
0:22:23 > 0:22:26The washer, cos it takes the piss out of your knickers!
0:22:26 > 0:22:28LAUGHTER
0:22:28 > 0:22:29Very bad!
0:22:35 > 0:22:38So a man wins the Lottery and his big wish,
0:22:38 > 0:22:42all he's wanted to do all his life was go to the wilds of Canada
0:22:42 > 0:22:44and, you know, go hunting the big grizzly bear.
0:22:44 > 0:22:49So anyway, he sets out and he hears about this infamous grizzly bear
0:22:49 > 0:22:51that's never been caught.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53Everyone's tried, but never succeeded in bringing him down.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55Five, six days, he's trekking.
0:22:55 > 0:22:59He comes upon this hunting lodge, he staggers into it, exhausted.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01And the fella said, "I've won the Lottery,
0:23:01 > 0:23:04"my biggest joy is that I want to go out and hunt the grizzly."
0:23:04 > 0:23:06He said, "You haven't come about Old Angry, have you,
0:23:06 > 0:23:09"with the scar above his eyes?" He said, "Yes. It's what I've come for."
0:23:09 > 0:23:13He says, "I'd advise you not to. there's plenty of bears round here, go and do that."
0:23:13 > 0:23:15He said, "Well, I want to go for Old Angry."
0:23:15 > 0:23:18He said, "Well, I wouldn't do it, but OK." He said, "What have you got?
0:23:18 > 0:23:20"What's the best you've got?"
0:23:20 > 0:23:24The fella opens this cabinet, brings out this beautiful shot gun.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27Side by side. He said, "When you get there, load both barrels.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30"As soon as there's any movement, ppppphhh! Give him the heat."
0:23:30 > 0:23:32So anyway, off he goes. Two days trekking.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35All of a sudden, he hears this sound in the trees.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38The trees part, he thinks he sees it. He goes, psshhht, pssshhht!
0:23:38 > 0:23:42Both barrels. Five, six minutes, it all quietens down.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44Can't see anything.
0:23:44 > 0:23:47He looks around, Old Angry's there, standing above him.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50He says, "You know the rules of the jungle, you tried to get to me,
0:23:50 > 0:23:53"you know, I'm going to do what I want to you."
0:23:53 > 0:23:55He said, "Bend over the log," he said, "I'm..."
0:23:55 > 0:23:57So, Old Angry has his wicked way with him.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00Anyway, he crawls back to the hunting lodge.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03He said, "What, Old Angry got you?
0:24:03 > 0:24:06He said, "Yeah." Tell you what, here you go. Kalashnikov.
0:24:06 > 0:24:0957 rounds. As soon as it moves give it these.
0:24:09 > 0:24:12Two more days trekking, movement in the trees.
0:24:13 > 0:24:1610 or 15 minutes before it all settles.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20He looks round. Old Angry's there. He said, "You know the rules.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22"And this is your second time."
0:24:22 > 0:24:24Bends over the log, has his wicked way with him twice.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26Two days it takes him. He's crawling back.
0:24:26 > 0:24:31He said, "Has Old Angry got you again?" "Afraid he has." "Well, this is the last thing."
0:24:32 > 0:24:35Bazooka he puts on there. He said, "Lock and load."
0:24:35 > 0:24:38Two days trekking off into the woods.
0:24:38 > 0:24:39Snow and everything.
0:24:39 > 0:24:42Eventually, after two and a half days there's a bit of movement.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46Trees...
0:24:46 > 0:24:48An hour later it all settles down.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52Looks round and Old Angry says,
0:24:52 > 0:24:55"You're not here for the hunting, are you?"
0:24:55 > 0:24:56LAUGHTER
0:24:58 > 0:25:01I went to my doctor's last week and he says, "Come in.
0:25:01 > 0:25:04"Can I help you?" I says, "Yeah, I've got a problem."
0:25:04 > 0:25:09He says, "What is it on?" "I actually think I'm a cowboy."
0:25:09 > 0:25:10He says, "A cowboy?
0:25:10 > 0:25:13How long have you been feeling like that for?" I says, "About a Yeehaw!"
0:25:13 > 0:25:15LAUGHTER
0:25:17 > 0:25:19There's a guy who goes to the doctor's.
0:25:19 > 0:25:22He says, "Doctor, I can't stop stealing things."
0:25:23 > 0:25:26He says, "OK, I'm going to give you a prescription
0:25:26 > 0:25:29"and if they don't work can you get me a colour television?"
0:25:29 > 0:25:31LAUGHTER
0:25:33 > 0:25:36A fellow goes to the doctor's and says, "I feel like a dog."
0:25:36 > 0:25:40And he goes, "How long for?" Ever since I was a puppy.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43He said, "OK, jump up on the couch and let me have a look."
0:25:43 > 0:25:45He said, "I'm not allowed on the couch."
0:25:45 > 0:25:47SARCASTIC LAUGHTER
0:25:47 > 0:25:50A team of little animals and a team of big animals decides to play
0:25:50 > 0:25:53a game of football against each other.
0:25:53 > 0:25:57During the first half the big animals were winning.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00But in the second half the centipede scored
0:26:00 > 0:26:05so many goals that the little animals won the game.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07After the match a horse walked over to the centipede
0:26:07 > 0:26:11and said, "Where were you during the first half?"
0:26:11 > 0:26:15And the centipede said, "I was putting all my boots on."
0:26:15 > 0:26:17LAUGHTER
0:26:18 > 0:26:23The very first joke I ever learned and understood was this one.
0:26:25 > 0:26:29Why did the elephant paint his toenails red?
0:26:31 > 0:26:33So he could climb in the cherry tree.
0:26:33 > 0:26:34LAUGHTER
0:26:37 > 0:26:39What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
0:26:39 > 0:26:42I don't know and I don't care.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
0:26:46 > 0:26:47Because they taste funny.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51I'm having trouble spelling Armageddon. Oh, well.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53It's not the end of the world.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57Paddy and Murphy are in the pub having a drink.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59And they're arguing who's the biggest liar.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02Paddy says to Murphy, "I'm a bigger liar than you."
0:27:02 > 0:27:05Murphy says, "No, you're not." He says, "I am." He says, "You're not."
0:27:05 > 0:27:06He says, "I am."
0:27:06 > 0:27:10He says, "Last week I went over Niagara Falls in a wheelbarrow."
0:27:10 > 0:27:12And Murphy says, "I know. I seen you."
0:27:12 > 0:27:14LAUGHTER
0:27:16 > 0:27:18Did you hear about the hungry clock?
0:27:18 > 0:27:20It went back for seconds.
0:27:22 > 0:27:26A fellow turns up at the circus and he goes,
0:27:26 > 0:27:29"I was always interested in being a lion tamer.
0:27:29 > 0:27:33"I don't know what you do about that. But I'd like to do it."
0:27:33 > 0:27:35So the bloke says, "Come in.
0:27:35 > 0:27:37"The fellow that does it all is through there."
0:27:37 > 0:27:39So they go through there. Go in the big ring.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41Fellow's in there. Lion in there.
0:27:41 > 0:27:44He says, "I've been interested in doing this lion taming bit.
0:27:44 > 0:27:46"How do you go about it?" He says, "It's easy.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48"People think it's hard but it's not.
0:27:48 > 0:27:51"Come in here with me." And the lion is in there.
0:27:51 > 0:27:55And he went, "Right there in the middle on the chair. It's in there.
0:27:55 > 0:27:59"You just walk round it with a whip. It's easy."
0:27:59 > 0:28:03He said, "What if it gets off that stool?" He went, "No worries.
0:28:03 > 0:28:05"Just take a step back, crack the whip
0:28:05 > 0:28:10"and he'll jump straight back on it." He went, "But what if it don't?
0:28:10 > 0:28:14"What if it comes another step towards you?" He went, "Don't worry.
0:28:14 > 0:28:18"Take another step back, crack the whip two times and straight back on.
0:28:18 > 0:28:20"Never a problem."
0:28:20 > 0:28:24He went, "But what if it don't and it's still coming towards you?"
0:28:24 > 0:28:27He went, "Take another step back crack it three times.
0:28:27 > 0:28:29"It will go back on."
0:28:29 > 0:28:30He went, "What if I can't go back?
0:28:30 > 0:28:33"What if there's no more room?" He went, "Don't worry about that.
0:28:33 > 0:28:36"Pick up a handful of shit and throw it straight in his face."
0:28:36 > 0:28:39He went, "What if there isn't any?" He went, "There fucking will be."
0:28:39 > 0:28:41LAUGHTER