0:00:15 > 0:00:19This old lady in Ireland, she had a little dog and the dog died.
0:00:19 > 0:00:22She'd no family, she was an orphan. She said to the local priest,
0:00:22 > 0:00:25"Father, she said, "Can I bury the dog inside the gate of the church?"
0:00:25 > 0:00:27"Sorry, madam," he says, "you cannot do that.
0:00:27 > 0:00:29"It's consecrated ground only," he said.
0:00:29 > 0:00:32"Well," she said, "I've never had anything in my life.
0:00:32 > 0:00:35"I'd no father or mother, no brothers or sisters."
0:00:35 > 0:00:37"I'm sorry," he says, "I can't do it."
0:00:37 > 0:00:41"Well," she said, "the Protestant vicar up the road, he won't refuse £500."
0:00:41 > 0:00:42And the priest said,
0:00:42 > 0:00:45"Hold on a moment, you never told me the dog was a Catholic."
0:00:45 > 0:00:48LAUGHTER
0:00:48 > 0:00:51Two blokes sitting in the pub, and Mick say to Paddy,
0:00:51 > 0:00:54"What's wrong with you? You look really miserable."
0:00:54 > 0:00:58"Ah," he says, "don't talk to me." "Well, come on," he says, "tell me."
0:00:58 > 0:00:59He says, "I'm fed up."
0:00:59 > 0:01:02So after a few minutes, Paddy says to Mick,
0:01:02 > 0:01:04"I tell you what to do."
0:01:04 > 0:01:09He says, "Go home, give the missus one,
0:01:09 > 0:01:12"and I'll meet you back here at seven o'clock."
0:01:12 > 0:01:16So anyway, seven o'clock comes and Paddy's waiting at the bar
0:01:16 > 0:01:19and in walks Mick with a big smile on his face.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21He says, "Well, how did you get on?"
0:01:21 > 0:01:23"Jesus," he says, "you've a lovely house."
0:01:23 > 0:01:27LAUGHTER
0:01:27 > 0:01:29There's a boy born and he's just a head.
0:01:29 > 0:01:33They were kind of hoping for more to come out, but he's just a head.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36The father is always a little bit embarrassed about it,
0:01:36 > 0:01:38doesn't really get seen with him out that much.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41But the boy's 18th birthday comes and the father said,
0:01:41 > 0:01:44"OK, it's about time I brought him for a pint."
0:01:44 > 0:01:46So he brings the head along to the bar and sits him up
0:01:46 > 0:01:51and says, "I'd like a pint, please, and one for the son as well."
0:01:51 > 0:01:55So, the barwoman pours a pint of stout, puts it in front of him
0:01:55 > 0:01:57and a pint of stout for the boy,
0:01:57 > 0:02:00and the father helps the boy to drink the stout.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03And he's drinking his own when he notices that there's something
0:02:03 > 0:02:07growing from the bottom of the boy's head, and it's a neck.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10And the boy says, "Give me more, Dad."
0:02:10 > 0:02:11"Another pint for the son."
0:02:11 > 0:02:14Pours another pint. Downs that pint, and now, sure enough,
0:02:14 > 0:02:17there's a torso sprouting from the neck.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20"Another!" And at this stage, the whole bar is looking. "Another pint!"
0:02:20 > 0:02:25And other paint is poured, and an arm sprouts, legs, the whole lot, ears.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28And the boy said, "I'm a boy, I'm a real boy!
0:02:28 > 0:02:30"I've legs, I've arms, I can walk."
0:02:30 > 0:02:34And he gets he gets off the stool and can walk.
0:02:34 > 0:02:35And the father is cheering
0:02:35 > 0:02:37and the boy goes out the front onto the street,
0:02:37 > 0:02:39"I'm a boy! I can walk! I can run!"
0:02:39 > 0:02:41And a car comes and knocks him down.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43And the barwoman looks up and says,
0:02:43 > 0:02:45"He should have quit while was a head."
0:02:45 > 0:02:48LAUGHTER
0:02:48 > 0:02:50So, there's these two lads playing golf.
0:02:50 > 0:02:54They play golf every Monday morning. They've been doing it for decades.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57Anyway, one morning one of them turns up, he's got a black eye.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59The other fella says to him, "Jesus, what happened?"
0:02:59 > 0:03:01He said, "Well, I was at Mass yesterday
0:03:01 > 0:03:04"and there was this woman in front of me
0:03:04 > 0:03:07"and she was wearing a very tight skirt and the back of it, there was
0:03:07 > 0:03:10"a bit of the skirt was tucked in between the cheeks of her bum,
0:03:10 > 0:03:13"so I thought I'd lean forward and pull it out.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15"She turned around, she smacked me in the face."
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Your man goes, "Yeah, I'm not surprised."
0:03:17 > 0:03:19So, they play their round of golf.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22Next week, Monday morning, your man turns up and this time,
0:03:22 > 0:03:25he's got the one eye which is still in recovery
0:03:25 > 0:03:27and he's got a fresh black eye on the other side of his face.
0:03:27 > 0:03:31So his friend says, "Did you do it again? What happened?"
0:03:31 > 0:03:33He said, "Well, I was at Mass,
0:03:33 > 0:03:37"standing behind the same woman, same thing had happened.
0:03:37 > 0:03:38"Now, I did nothing.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41"Fella next to me, he leant forward, pulled it out,
0:03:41 > 0:03:44"but I knew she didn't like it like that, so I pushed it back in."
0:03:44 > 0:03:46LAUGHTER
0:03:46 > 0:03:49Guy goes into the doctor's, he's got a problem.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52His langer is down to his knees.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55Doctor says, "OK, drop your trousers."
0:03:55 > 0:03:57So, he drops his trousers.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59He says, "There you are, Doctor, you can see my problem.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01"What can you give me for it?"
0:04:01 > 0:04:03The doctor said, "Hmm."
0:04:03 > 0:04:07Doctor walked over to the window, had a look out. He says, "Come here."
0:04:07 > 0:04:09Came over to the window, looked out.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12He says, "Do you see that silver Mercedes over there in the corner?"
0:04:12 > 0:04:14He says, "Yeah." He says, "I'll give you that for it."
0:04:14 > 0:04:18LAUGHTER
0:04:18 > 0:04:20A guy goes into a dentist.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23He said, "Got this killer of a toothache."
0:04:23 > 0:04:26He says, "Lie down there, and let me have a look at it."
0:04:26 > 0:04:28Opens up mouth and he says, "Oh, that'll have to come out."
0:04:28 > 0:04:30He gets on with the needle and all.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33The man says, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, where are you going with that thing?"
0:04:33 > 0:04:35He says, "Just to numb your gums."
0:04:35 > 0:04:39He says, "No, no, no, needles are against my religion."
0:04:39 > 0:04:41The dentist says, "Right, right.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44"We'll do the gas, so, just a bit of gas on you."
0:04:44 > 0:04:48"Oh, no, no, no, that's against my religion as well."
0:04:48 > 0:04:52The dentist's there thinking and goes,
0:04:52 > 0:04:55"Right, only one thing for it, the old style."
0:04:55 > 0:04:58Pulls out a bottle of Jameson and says, "Get that into you."
0:04:58 > 0:05:00The man says, "No, no, drinking is against my religion."
0:05:00 > 0:05:03The dentist is getting rightly wound up now with the whole lot.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05So he's there thinking.
0:05:05 > 0:05:10He goes, "Viagra. What about Viagra? Is that against your religion?"
0:05:10 > 0:05:12He goes, "It's not, actually, no."
0:05:12 > 0:05:14He says, "Right, take two of them
0:05:14 > 0:05:18"and come back to me in three hours and 25 minutes. Apparently."
0:05:18 > 0:05:23And your man says, "Why? Will that kill the pain, will it?"
0:05:23 > 0:05:25"No, but it'll give you something to hold on to."
0:05:25 > 0:05:29LAUGHTER
0:05:29 > 0:05:32Mrs Smith's husband, he goes into hospital.
0:05:32 > 0:05:37He had this problem with premature ejaculation, which happens.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39So, he's had the operation
0:05:39 > 0:05:44and the wife has phoned up to find out the latest news.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46She says, "How's the husband?"
0:05:46 > 0:05:50The doctor says, "Mrs Smith, it's still touch and go."
0:05:50 > 0:05:53LAUGHTER
0:05:53 > 0:05:56This fella, little boy, he went to school one day
0:05:56 > 0:05:58and he came home from school and he says,
0:05:58 > 0:06:01"Dad, do you see our new maths teacher? She's like this."
0:06:01 > 0:06:02And his father says, "What? Big breasts?"
0:06:02 > 0:06:04He says, "No, arthritis."
0:06:04 > 0:06:06LAUGHTER
0:06:06 > 0:06:09A Scotsman and an Irish man are in hospital
0:06:09 > 0:06:11and their beds are facing one another.
0:06:11 > 0:06:17The Scotsman shouts to Paddy, with his thumb up like that, "Jock!"
0:06:18 > 0:06:23So, Paddy replies, "Paddy!"
0:06:23 > 0:06:26Everything goes quiet for a bit.
0:06:26 > 0:06:32And then the Scotsman puts his thumb up again and he says, "Cancer!"
0:06:32 > 0:06:36So, Paddy goes, put his thumb up, "Sagittarius!"
0:06:36 > 0:06:39LAUGHTER
0:06:39 > 0:06:42There was an 86-year-old man
0:06:42 > 0:06:46sitting on a park bench crying his heart out.
0:06:46 > 0:06:51So, this young man goes up to him, says, "What's the problem, sir?"
0:06:51 > 0:06:56And the old guy said, "I'm 86 years old.
0:06:56 > 0:07:03"I got married last week to a beautiful 23-year-old girl.
0:07:03 > 0:07:07And the guy says, "Well, that's good."
0:07:07 > 0:07:12"Yes," he said, "She can cook. "The house is always lovely.
0:07:12 > 0:07:17"She's there was a welcoming smile and we make love five times a week."
0:07:17 > 0:07:21And the young guy said, "Well, what's the problem?"
0:07:21 > 0:07:24He says, "I can't remember where I live!"
0:07:24 > 0:07:26LAUGHTER
0:07:26 > 0:07:30A guy takes his wife, his highly expectant wife,
0:07:30 > 0:07:34to Holles Street Hospital in Dublin to give birth
0:07:34 > 0:07:35and the guy in charge there,
0:07:35 > 0:07:39the head honcho says that he's invented a device,
0:07:39 > 0:07:45a kind of machine, that will transfer the pains of childbirth
0:07:45 > 0:07:48from the mammy to the daddy instead.
0:07:48 > 0:07:52So, the husband climbs up on the machine
0:07:52 > 0:07:56and the obstetrician starts it at the lowest possible setting.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58Bzzz!
0:07:58 > 0:08:00"Any pain?"
0:08:00 > 0:08:02"Not yet. Feeling fine."
0:08:02 > 0:08:05Bzzzzz!
0:08:05 > 0:08:07"Any pain?"
0:08:07 > 0:08:09Out shoots the baby, no pain.
0:08:09 > 0:08:14"Geronimo!" cries the obstetrician. "I'll be famous forever."
0:08:14 > 0:08:17The husband clambers down off the machine,
0:08:17 > 0:08:21beaming and proud of a job well done.
0:08:21 > 0:08:25Kisses for wife, and the bonny baby,
0:08:25 > 0:08:29and then he whistles his way merrily off home
0:08:29 > 0:08:35to find the milkman dead as a doorknob, lying across his doorstep.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38So, I was walking through a forest one night
0:08:38 > 0:08:40and a storm started brewing up.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43So, I ran through a trail and I came across a monastery
0:08:43 > 0:08:45and I knocked on the door and I said,
0:08:45 > 0:08:47"Help! Help! I need shelter for the night."
0:08:47 > 0:08:50And a monk came to the door and he goes, "My child, come in.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52"We've got a room, we'll put you up for the night."
0:08:52 > 0:08:54In the middle of the night I'm woken up -
0:08:54 > 0:08:57crash, bang, wallop, and screaming and roaring.
0:08:57 > 0:08:58So, I ran down the hallway,
0:08:58 > 0:09:01went to the door where the noise was coming from and said,
0:09:01 > 0:09:03"What's going on?" The monk comes to the door.
0:09:03 > 0:09:04He says, "I can't tell you, you're not a monk."
0:09:04 > 0:09:07So I'd to go back to my room, I went off.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09The following year, nearly to the day,
0:09:09 > 0:09:11walking through the same forest,
0:09:11 > 0:09:14a storm starts brewing up, I knew there was a monastery nearby.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17I knocked, I said, "Sorry about this again, caught out."
0:09:17 > 0:09:19He said, "No worries, come in. You know we've got a spare room."
0:09:19 > 0:09:21Fell asleep, lovely and cosy.
0:09:21 > 0:09:25Middle of the night - crash, bang, wallop, wailing, screaming, roaring.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27Ran down the hallway, knocked on the door, "What's going on?"
0:09:27 > 0:09:30He says, "Can't tell you, you're not a monk."
0:09:30 > 0:09:31Back to bed.
0:09:31 > 0:09:35The following year, in the meantime, I trained to be a monk.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37Wandering through the forest, peaceful,
0:09:37 > 0:09:39I've got birds in my hands, I'm being a monk.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41There was a storm brewing up again,
0:09:41 > 0:09:43should have learned my lesson, but here I am.
0:09:43 > 0:09:47Came to the door, knocked, "Have you got any shelter for the night?"
0:09:48 > 0:09:50He says, "Come in." Showed me to my room.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53Middle of the night - crash, bang, wallop, roars.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56Ran down the hallway, knocked on the door. I said, "What's going on?"
0:09:56 > 0:09:58He says, "I can't tell you, you're not a monk."
0:09:58 > 0:09:59I says, "Ha!"
0:09:59 > 0:10:02I pulled out a chalice and a chain and all sorts of monk paraphernalia.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04I said, "Aha, I am!"
0:10:04 > 0:10:06He says, "All right, come in."
0:10:06 > 0:10:09Do you want to know what it was? Can't tell you, you're not monks.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12LAUGHTER
0:10:17 > 0:10:20Two nuns, a reverend mother and a novice,
0:10:20 > 0:10:23said, "We'll go for a drink some night."
0:10:23 > 0:10:25So, they went off for a drink
0:10:25 > 0:10:28and on their way back the convent door was locked.
0:10:28 > 0:10:29"How are we going to get in?"
0:10:29 > 0:10:32"We'll have to climb the wall," she said.
0:10:32 > 0:10:33So they were climbing the wall
0:10:33 > 0:10:35and the young nun said to the reverend mother,
0:10:35 > 0:10:37"I feel like a commando."
0:10:37 > 0:10:40She said, "I do too, but where are we going to get one this hour of the night?"
0:10:40 > 0:10:42LAUGHTER
0:10:42 > 0:10:45It would be well known in the Irish community,
0:10:45 > 0:10:48particularly in the '50s and '60s when I came here,
0:10:48 > 0:10:51that most of the girls went to the Inisfree or the Garry Owen
0:10:51 > 0:10:55or any of those dance halls just to meet up with the men.
0:10:55 > 0:11:00Anyway, Paddy came along and he says to Mary, "All right for a dance?"
0:11:00 > 0:11:02Mary says, "Yes, that'll be fine."
0:11:02 > 0:11:05So he took a fancy to Mary, anyway, and he asked her up again.
0:11:05 > 0:11:09And then asked her up particularly for the last dance.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12And he says to her, "Would you like me to take you home?"
0:11:12 > 0:11:15"Oh, yes, Paddy, that'd be grand. Have you got a motorcar?"
0:11:15 > 0:11:16"Yes."
0:11:16 > 0:11:19So, on the way home, he decided to pull into a lay-by
0:11:19 > 0:11:22and decided to have his wicked way with her.
0:11:22 > 0:11:26And when he'd finished he said, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mary,
0:11:26 > 0:11:28"Sure, God, if I'd known you were a virgin
0:11:28 > 0:11:30"I'd never have gone that far."
0:11:30 > 0:11:33And she said, "And if I knew you what you were after,
0:11:33 > 0:11:35"Paddy, I would have taken my tights off first.
0:11:35 > 0:11:38LAUGHTER
0:11:38 > 0:11:41So on this man's 90th birthday,
0:11:41 > 0:11:46the family got together and decided to treat him to a strip-o-gram.
0:11:46 > 0:11:50So, this beautiful lady came to the door
0:11:50 > 0:11:53and they got the old man to answer
0:11:53 > 0:11:58and she says, "I am here to give you super sex."
0:11:58 > 0:12:00He says, "What flavour soup have you got?"
0:12:00 > 0:12:03LAUGHTER
0:12:05 > 0:12:10It was the height of the mad cow BSE crisis
0:12:10 > 0:12:14and a man takes his wife out for a meal.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17They sit down, it's a very nice restaurant.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20The waiter comes over, "What would you like, sir?"
0:12:20 > 0:12:23"I'll have the beef, actually."
0:12:23 > 0:12:25"What about the mad cow?"
0:12:25 > 0:12:26"She'll have the same."
0:12:26 > 0:12:28LAUGHTER
0:12:30 > 0:12:33Young Mike came to London
0:12:33 > 0:12:36and the first place he went was the local pub.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38He was only there two minutes
0:12:38 > 0:12:40and a pint of Guinness is up in front of him, and he says,
0:12:40 > 0:12:42"Oh, where did that come from?"
0:12:42 > 0:12:44He says, "Nigel over there bought for you."
0:12:44 > 0:12:46He said, "That's grand, thanks very much."
0:12:46 > 0:12:48He said, "I've got to look now for somewhere to stay."
0:12:48 > 0:12:50Nigel said, "Look, you can stay here, you can stay
0:12:50 > 0:12:52"in my house for the night, no problem."
0:12:52 > 0:12:54He says, "Oh, that's grand. I'm only here five minutes,
0:12:54 > 0:12:57"people buying me drink and giving me accommodation."
0:12:57 > 0:13:00Off he went that night and he went to Nigel's house.
0:13:00 > 0:13:04Nigel went upstairs, came back down dressed as a schoolboy with a cane.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07He said, "You know," he says, "Nigel never went to school this morning."
0:13:07 > 0:13:09He says, "He'll have to be punished."
0:13:09 > 0:13:12"Oh, God, he says, I couldn't do that. You've been so good to me."
0:13:12 > 0:13:14"Look," he said, "Now, it's a fact,
0:13:14 > 0:13:17"never went to school this morning, must be smacked."
0:13:17 > 0:13:19All the lads met Mike in the pub the next day, and of course,
0:13:19 > 0:13:22they were all very interested in what happened the night before.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25"Tell us this," they says, "how did you get on with Nigel?"
0:13:25 > 0:13:27"Oh," he says, "I tell you one thing," he said,
0:13:27 > 0:13:29"he won't be late for school tomorrow!"
0:13:29 > 0:13:31LAUGHTER
0:13:31 > 0:13:34Did you hear the one about the constipated mathematician?
0:13:34 > 0:13:36He worked it out with a pencil.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39LAUGHTER
0:13:40 > 0:13:45This millionaire, he died and went to heaven and met St Peter at the gate.
0:13:45 > 0:13:49So, St Peter said, "What good deeds did you do down there?"
0:13:49 > 0:13:52He said, "Well, I gave one man,
0:13:52 > 0:13:55"he was sleeping rough, I gave him a pound."
0:13:55 > 0:13:59He said, "Another blind beggar, I gave him a pound.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01"And there was another lady, she lost her purse,
0:14:01 > 0:14:04"and I give her a pound for her fare home."
0:14:04 > 0:14:07St Peter went in and told God and God told St Peter,
0:14:07 > 0:14:10"Give him his £3 and tell him, go to hell."
0:14:10 > 0:14:12APPLAUSE
0:14:12 > 0:14:14Paddy walked into a chemist
0:14:14 > 0:14:16and he said, "I want some deodorant, please."
0:14:16 > 0:14:18She said, "Ball, aerosol?"
0:14:18 > 0:14:21"No," he says, "for under my arms."
0:14:21 > 0:14:24LAUGHTER
0:14:24 > 0:14:27I was in a wee village in Donegal a few weeks ago
0:14:27 > 0:14:32and I thought to myself, "I'll take a walk into the town."
0:14:32 > 0:14:37And I saw a local sitting on the wall whittling at a wee bit of wood.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40So I walked over to him and says, "Excuse me, could you tell me
0:14:40 > 0:14:43"how long it would take me to walk into the town centre?"
0:14:43 > 0:14:45He kept on whittling the wood.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48I thought, "Maybe he didn't hear me." So, I raised my voice.
0:14:48 > 0:14:52I says, "Excuse me, could you tell me how long it'll take me
0:14:52 > 0:14:54"to walk into the town centre from here?"
0:14:54 > 0:14:56And he kept on.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58I says, "This guy's ignoring me."
0:14:58 > 0:15:02So, I went to walk away and he shouts, "Oi!"
0:15:02 > 0:15:06He says, "It'll take you about 20 minutes."
0:15:06 > 0:15:10I says, "I've asked you twice and you didn't answer me."
0:15:10 > 0:15:13He says, "I was waiting to see how fast you were walking."
0:15:13 > 0:15:15LAUGHTER
0:15:15 > 0:15:18You know it was the Irish that invented time?
0:15:18 > 0:15:20That's why they call it o'clock.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22GROANING
0:15:22 > 0:15:27McCarthy was reading the paper in the local pub with a pint of Guinness.
0:15:27 > 0:15:31He comes across the obituary page and to his astonishment,
0:15:31 > 0:15:34he reads that he was dead.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37So, he rings up his friend in astonishment,
0:15:37 > 0:15:40and he asks his friend, "Have you read the newspaper today?"
0:15:40 > 0:15:44And his friend says, "Yes, and where exactly are you ringing from?"
0:15:44 > 0:15:46LAUGHTER
0:15:48 > 0:15:53There were these two neighbours and one was Mary,
0:15:53 > 0:15:57and her neighbour came in and she said,
0:15:57 > 0:16:00"Oh, Mary, I've got terrible news."
0:16:00 > 0:16:01"Oh," she said, "what's that?"
0:16:01 > 0:16:05She said, "I sent Johnny down for a head of cabbage
0:16:05 > 0:16:07"and he dropped dead."
0:16:07 > 0:16:08"Oh, Mary, what did you do?"
0:16:08 > 0:16:10She said, "I had to open a tin of peas."
0:16:10 > 0:16:14LAUGHTER
0:16:15 > 0:16:17Murphy was working a building site in London
0:16:17 > 0:16:20and a crane swung around with a big skip of concrete on it,
0:16:20 > 0:16:22and it cut Murphy's head off, sliced it off,
0:16:22 > 0:16:24left it on the ground like a football.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27The foreman said, "Bloody hell, I don't know where he lives. What am I going to do?"
0:16:27 > 0:16:30Flannigan said, "Give me that head. I know where he lives."
0:16:30 > 0:16:33Up he goes, picks the head up, he has it behind his back.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36Knocks on the door, he says, "Are you Mrs Murphy?" She said, "I am."
0:16:36 > 0:16:39"Does your husband work on a building site down town?" She said, "He does."
0:16:39 > 0:16:41He said, "Has he got red hair?" She said, "He has."
0:16:41 > 0:16:43"Does he wear glasses?" She said, "He does."
0:16:43 > 0:16:46"Has he got an earring in his left ear?" She said, "He has."
0:16:46 > 0:16:47He said, "Is that him?"
0:16:47 > 0:16:49"No," she said, "he's taller than that."
0:16:49 > 0:16:52LAUGHTER
0:16:52 > 0:16:54We'll leave it at that, yeah?
0:16:58 > 0:17:03So, it's the Last Supper and Jesus has all the apostles around him
0:17:03 > 0:17:05and the main deal is over
0:17:05 > 0:17:09and it's time for him to get a bit serious and he says,
0:17:09 > 0:17:12"It has been a lovely evening.
0:17:12 > 0:17:16"I tell you solemnly, this very evening,
0:17:16 > 0:17:20"one of you seated around this table shall betray me."
0:17:20 > 0:17:23And the apostles look at each other and go,
0:17:23 > 0:17:25"Sure, come on, say something, John."
0:17:25 > 0:17:28So John leans forward and says,
0:17:28 > 0:17:31"Surely, not I, Jesus? Surely, not I?"
0:17:31 > 0:17:33Jesus says, "I tell you solemnly,
0:17:33 > 0:17:37"somebody seated around this table this very evening will betray me."
0:17:37 > 0:17:39"Peter, go on!"
0:17:39 > 0:17:43"Lord, surely, not I? Surely, not I?"
0:17:43 > 0:17:44"I tell you solemnly,
0:17:44 > 0:17:49"somebody seated around this table this very evening shall betray me."
0:17:49 > 0:17:51So, Judas down the end is kind of thinking,
0:17:51 > 0:17:54"I suppose I should say something."
0:17:54 > 0:17:58"Surely, not I, Lord? Surely, not I?"
0:17:58 > 0:18:00And Jesus looks at him and says...
0:18:00 > 0:18:04- MOCKINGLY:- "Surely, not I, Lord(!) Surely, not I(!)"
0:18:04 > 0:18:06LAUGHTER
0:18:06 > 0:18:09Two men were walking along Broadway.
0:18:09 > 0:18:13One was called Liam Haughey. The other was called Frank McAdam.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15As they were walking along,
0:18:15 > 0:18:18they passed the FBI and they seen in the window,
0:18:18 > 0:18:19"Detectives required."
0:18:19 > 0:18:22So they said, "Why not? We'll go in and apply."
0:18:22 > 0:18:26Frank went outside and waited while they interviewed Liam.
0:18:26 > 0:18:30They asked Liam a few questions and as he was leaving they said,
0:18:30 > 0:18:35"Oh, by the way," he said, "Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
0:18:35 > 0:18:37"Oh," he said, "I'm not so sure," he said.
0:18:37 > 0:18:41"All right," he said, "Go out and tell your friend to come in."
0:18:41 > 0:18:44So he went out and he said, "How did you get on?"
0:18:44 > 0:18:48He said, "Quite good - they have me on a murder inquiry already."
0:18:48 > 0:18:51LAUGHTER
0:18:51 > 0:18:56I went to the doctor and I was suffering from wind
0:18:56 > 0:19:00and I asked him had he got anything he could give me for wind.
0:19:00 > 0:19:01And he gave a kite.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04LAUGHTER AND GROANING
0:19:04 > 0:19:08So I went home to the wife
0:19:08 > 0:19:12and I was after coming in from the pub
0:19:12 > 0:19:16and she says, "You look a bit flustered, Tom, what's the problem?"
0:19:16 > 0:19:19I said, "That postman from our street, he was in the pub
0:19:19 > 0:19:24"and he's bragging about making love to every woman on this street."
0:19:24 > 0:19:28He said he's made love to every woman on this street bar one.
0:19:28 > 0:19:33"Oh," she says, "I bet it's that stuck-up bitch in number ten."
0:19:33 > 0:19:36LAUGHTER
0:19:36 > 0:19:40I was working in behind the bar and this guy comes up and he goes,
0:19:40 > 0:19:42"Are you the boss?"
0:19:42 > 0:19:45Sambuca! Tequila! Jagermeister!
0:19:45 > 0:19:49I mightn't be the boss, but I do call the shots around here.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52LAUGHTER
0:19:52 > 0:19:56My dad regularly drank with three of his friends,
0:19:56 > 0:19:59and one of these friends was a bit of a bore and a bit of a know-all.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01So, one night they put him to the test.
0:20:01 > 0:20:05They blindfolded him, poured out four whiskies,
0:20:05 > 0:20:09and he turned round and he said, "That's the Bushmills.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11"That's the Bell's.
0:20:11 > 0:20:12"Jameson's.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14"Teacher's."
0:20:14 > 0:20:16Spot on. So, they switched the glasses round again.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18He said, "That the Teacher's."
0:20:18 > 0:20:20"Bushmills.
0:20:20 > 0:20:21"Bell's.
0:20:21 > 0:20:22And Jameson."
0:20:22 > 0:20:24Spot on! They switched them around again.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27"That's the Jameson.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29"That's the Bell's.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31"That's the Bushmills."
0:20:31 > 0:20:33He says, "That's...
0:20:33 > 0:20:35"That's piss!"
0:20:35 > 0:20:38"We know it's piss," they said, "But whose piss is it?"
0:20:38 > 0:20:40LAUGHTER
0:20:40 > 0:20:45There's an Irishman, an Englishman and an American in a pub
0:20:45 > 0:20:47and they begin a conversation
0:20:47 > 0:20:50about who they would like to be laid next to.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52And the American goes first.
0:20:52 > 0:20:56He said, "I'd like to be laid next to John Fitzgerald Kennedy.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59"Ask not what your country can do for you,
0:20:59 > 0:21:02"but ask what you can do for your country."
0:21:02 > 0:21:04And there was a collective nod of approval.
0:21:04 > 0:21:08And the Englishman said he'd like to be laid next to Winston Churchill.
0:21:08 > 0:21:12"We'll fight them on the beaches, we'll fight them on the fields."
0:21:12 > 0:21:14And again, there was a collective nod of approval.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16And the Englishman said,
0:21:16 > 0:21:19"Well, Seamus, who would you like to be laid next to?"
0:21:19 > 0:21:23He said, "I'd like to be laid next to Coleen Rooney -
0:21:23 > 0:21:25"you know, Wayne Rooney's wife?"
0:21:25 > 0:21:28"We all know who Wayne Rooney's wife is. She's not dead!"
0:21:28 > 0:21:32And Seamus said, "Neither am I."
0:21:32 > 0:21:35LAUGHTER
0:21:35 > 0:21:40This man, he was very vain and he was in the chemist shop one day.
0:21:40 > 0:21:44He was thinking of buying vanishing cream, you know, ageing cream?
0:21:44 > 0:21:47He asked the girl behind the counter, he says to her,
0:21:47 > 0:21:50"What age do you think I am?"
0:21:50 > 0:21:55She says, "Oh, I don't know." She says, "About 40?"
0:21:55 > 0:21:57He says, "No, actually, I'm 45."
0:21:57 > 0:22:00He goes into the paper shop next door
0:22:00 > 0:22:04and says to the girl behind the counter there,
0:22:04 > 0:22:06"What age do you think I am?"
0:22:06 > 0:22:09And she says, "About 40?"
0:22:09 > 0:22:12"Oh, no," he says, "I'm 45."
0:22:12 > 0:22:15Walks down the road, stands at the bus stop
0:22:15 > 0:22:18and there was this old lady, about 85.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21He says, "Madam, can I ask you a question?
0:22:21 > 0:22:22"What age do you think I am?"
0:22:22 > 0:22:26She says, "Well, there's only one way to tell," she says.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28And he says, "How is that?"
0:22:28 > 0:22:31"Well," she says, if you loosen your trousers," she says,
0:22:31 > 0:22:36"And I can put my hand there, down," she says, "I'll be able to tell."
0:22:36 > 0:22:41So, he undoes his trousers and the old lady puts her hand down
0:22:41 > 0:22:44and she looks up at the sky with a big smile on her.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47She's down for about half a minute. She takes her hand back out.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49"You're 45," she says.
0:22:49 > 0:22:53"Oh, my God," he says. "How the hell did you know that?"
0:22:53 > 0:22:56She says, "I was behind you in the queue in the chemist."
0:22:56 > 0:22:59LAUGHTER
0:22:59 > 0:23:01I came out of the shop the other day,
0:23:01 > 0:23:04I was just getting in the car, and this young fella come up,
0:23:04 > 0:23:06and he said, "Do you want to buy a sat nav?"
0:23:06 > 0:23:08I told him to get lost.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11LAUGHTER AND GROANING
0:23:11 > 0:23:14This American tourist visited Ireland
0:23:14 > 0:23:18on his way to find his ancestral home.
0:23:18 > 0:23:22They hired a car. They headed for County Clare.
0:23:22 > 0:23:26On the most rural part of Clare you could find, the car broke down
0:23:26 > 0:23:29and there was no-one around, only two horses in a field.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31One horse was looking out over the wall.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34There was steam coming out of the bonnet
0:23:34 > 0:23:37and he heard this voice say, "It's the fan belt."
0:23:37 > 0:23:41So he looked around, and there was nobody around only this horse.
0:23:41 > 0:23:45He got a pair of tights and he tied it on to the fan belt
0:23:45 > 0:23:47and drove to the nearest garage.
0:23:47 > 0:23:51And he says, "Funny thing happened to me when I broke down."
0:23:51 > 0:23:54He said, "I heard this voice saying, 'It's the fan belt.'
0:23:54 > 0:23:56"There was nobody around, only two horses."
0:23:56 > 0:24:00And the mechanic says, "Was it a white horse or a black horse?"
0:24:00 > 0:24:01"It was a black horse," he said.
0:24:01 > 0:24:05"You're lucky, because the white horse knows nothing about cars."
0:24:05 > 0:24:06LAUGHTER
0:24:06 > 0:24:09There was this travelling salesman and he broke down
0:24:09 > 0:24:13in the middle of nowhere and he headed up to this farmhouse
0:24:13 > 0:24:16and he knocked on the door, and this farmer came to the door with a shot gun.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18He says, "What the hell do you want?"
0:24:18 > 0:24:21He says, "Excuse me, I've broken down. I need somewhere to rest for the night.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23"You've a big house, do you mind if I stay?
0:24:23 > 0:24:24The farmer says, "Absolutely no way."
0:24:24 > 0:24:26He says, "You've got a big house, why not?"
0:24:26 > 0:24:30He says, "Cos I've got two lovely daughters and I don't want you anywhere near them.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32"But you can lie in that van out there
0:24:32 > 0:24:35"and I'll send one of the girls out with blankets to you."
0:24:35 > 0:24:39So, the two girls, one was Nellie, one was Jeanis.
0:24:39 > 0:24:40He sent Nellie out with the blankets.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43The two girls, they were 25, but they'd never seen a man before.
0:24:43 > 0:24:48The woman seen the guy, and she fell in love with him straightaway.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51So, they got together, had a little bit of jiggy-jiggy,
0:24:51 > 0:24:55got out of the van, back in, and told Jeanis all about it.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58Jeanis says, "If you're having some, I'm having some, too."
0:24:58 > 0:25:01So, she went out to the van anyway, little bit of jiggy-jiggy,
0:25:01 > 0:25:04back into the house, next morning, the travelling salesman wakes up
0:25:04 > 0:25:06and he gives his business card to the farm.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08He says, "Thank you very much for your hospitality.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11"If you ever want me to return the favour, please get in contact."
0:25:11 > 0:25:13Nothing was heard until about three months later,
0:25:13 > 0:25:16and the travelling salesman got a letter from the farm that says,
0:25:16 > 0:25:19Dear Sir... Are you the one that done the pushing,
0:25:19 > 0:25:20left spots upon the cushion
0:25:20 > 0:25:22and the footprints on the dashboard upside down?
0:25:22 > 0:25:24Since being with our Nellie she's had trouble with her belly,
0:25:24 > 0:25:27sir, I really think it's time you called around.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30So, the guy panicked a little bit. He decided to write back.
0:25:30 > 0:25:31He says, Dear Farmer...
0:25:31 > 0:25:34Yes, I am the one that done the pushing and left the spots upon the cushion
0:25:34 > 0:25:36and the footprints on the dashboard upside down
0:25:36 > 0:25:37but since being with your Jeanis
0:25:37 > 0:25:39I've had trouble with my penis,
0:25:39 > 0:25:41so I think it's 50-50 all around.
0:25:41 > 0:25:43APPLAUSE
0:25:43 > 0:25:45A guy walks into a pub.
0:25:45 > 0:25:48The landlord is in behind the bar and he's pulling pints,
0:25:48 > 0:25:50chatting away to his customers.
0:25:50 > 0:25:54Your man just stands there looking at him.
0:25:54 > 0:25:57The landlord goes, "Are you all right?"
0:25:57 > 0:26:01The man goes, "Yeah, I'm not too bad."
0:26:01 > 0:26:03"Can I get you a drink?"
0:26:03 > 0:26:05"Oh, I'll have a pint of Guinness."
0:26:05 > 0:26:07He gives him the pint of Guinness.
0:26:07 > 0:26:11The man picks it up, looks at it, downs it in one.
0:26:11 > 0:26:15"That's a great pint of Guinness. Good luck."
0:26:15 > 0:26:16The landlord goes,
0:26:16 > 0:26:20"Here, hold on a minute, you owe me 3.70 for that pint."
0:26:20 > 0:26:22"Ha-ha! Yeah, yeah, good luck."
0:26:22 > 0:26:25The landlord jumps over the counter, runs out, grabs him,
0:26:25 > 0:26:30he says, "I'm not messing with you. You owe me 3.70 for that pint."
0:26:30 > 0:26:33Your man says, "No, I don't you anything."
0:26:33 > 0:26:36The landlord says, "How do you work that out?"
0:26:36 > 0:26:38"Well, I never asked you for a drink.
0:26:38 > 0:26:43"You said to me, 'Can I get you a drink?'" He says, "And I accepted."
0:26:43 > 0:26:44He says, "Less of that now.
0:26:44 > 0:26:47"You won't pull one over on me. You owe me 3.70.
0:26:47 > 0:26:50"Give it to me now, or else."
0:26:50 > 0:26:51"Or else, what?"
0:26:51 > 0:26:53"I'll call the police."
0:26:53 > 0:26:54"Call whoever you want."
0:26:54 > 0:26:55So, he calls the police.
0:26:55 > 0:26:59The police come, the whole lot, they listen to both sides of the story.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01And the policeman turns to the landlord and said,
0:27:01 > 0:27:03"Well, to be fair, you did offer him a drink."
0:27:03 > 0:27:06Your man says, "He owes me 3.70 and that's the end of it."
0:27:06 > 0:27:10The policeman says, "Well, what do you want us to do? We can't arrest him."
0:27:10 > 0:27:12"Well, take his details. I'll bring him to court."
0:27:12 > 0:27:14So they take his details, the whole lot goes to court.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16The judge listens to both sides.
0:27:16 > 0:27:19The landlord, he's got top solicitors, the whole lot.
0:27:19 > 0:27:23The landlord goes, "You were in a public house, you had a drink,
0:27:23 > 0:27:26"you have to pay for it." The man said, "Fair enough, then."
0:27:26 > 0:27:28Takes out 3.70 and leaves it there.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30"Good luck, pal." Walks out.
0:27:30 > 0:27:31The landlord is fuming.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33The cost of solicitors, everything like that,
0:27:33 > 0:27:36he's back in the pub, he's giving out to all the lads
0:27:36 > 0:27:39and the whole lot going, "Thinks he can pull one over on me?!"
0:27:39 > 0:27:42About six weeks had passed, what happens,
0:27:42 > 0:27:45only your man walks back into the bar.
0:27:45 > 0:27:48The landlord - "Get out! You're barred!"
0:27:48 > 0:27:50Your man says, "What are you talking about?"
0:27:50 > 0:27:52He goes, "Don't give me that.
0:27:52 > 0:27:54"You come in here and you tried to do me over a pint."
0:27:54 > 0:27:57He said, "I won't have it. Get out of this pub now!"
0:27:57 > 0:28:00Your man is like, going, "Hold on a minute.
0:28:00 > 0:28:03"I've never seen you in my life."
0:28:03 > 0:28:09And the landlord - "We were up in court! 3.70 for the pint!"
0:28:09 > 0:28:11"I'm telling you now, sir,
0:28:11 > 0:28:15"I've never stepped foot inside this bar before."
0:28:15 > 0:28:17The landlord is starting to doubt himself.
0:28:17 > 0:28:21He is looking at him and saying, "What?
0:28:21 > 0:28:24"Well, if it wasn't you, you must have a double."
0:28:24 > 0:28:29"Well, that's very kind of you. I'll have a large whisky. No ice."
0:28:29 > 0:28:32LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE