0:00:06 > 0:00:10This programme contains some strong language
0:00:15 > 0:00:19One day, Satan arrived in the village and it was a Sunday
0:00:19 > 0:00:21and he went into the church.
0:00:21 > 0:00:24And he walked in and as he walked in, people turned round
0:00:24 > 0:00:26and they saw him and they were terrified.
0:00:26 > 0:00:28And they started screaming and they were running
0:00:28 > 0:00:31and as he walked down the front, even the vicar ran out screaming.
0:00:31 > 0:00:34And he walked in all proud and hard,
0:00:34 > 0:00:37and he noticed there was one wee man still sitting there.
0:00:37 > 0:00:39So he turned round and he looked at him and he says,
0:00:39 > 0:00:41"Do you know who I am?"
0:00:41 > 0:00:43And the wee man says, "Aye."
0:00:43 > 0:00:47"Why do you not fear me?!" He says, "Well...
0:00:47 > 0:00:50"I've been married to your sister for 27 years."
0:00:50 > 0:00:52LAUGHTER
0:00:52 > 0:00:55Mr Duck is having an affair.
0:00:55 > 0:01:00He's at a top-class swanky hotel with his secretary, Miss Duck.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02They're about to get intimate,
0:01:02 > 0:01:05when they both realise neither of them have got a condom.
0:01:05 > 0:01:09So Mr Duck phones down to reception and requests one.
0:01:09 > 0:01:12A porter comes up, knocks on the door
0:01:12 > 0:01:14and hands the condom over to Mr Duck.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17"Would you like us to put it on your bill?" He said,
0:01:17 > 0:01:18"No! I'll suffocate!"
0:01:18 > 0:01:22LAUGHTER
0:01:22 > 0:01:24Three nuns waiting at the pearly gates
0:01:24 > 0:01:26and St Peter stands there looking at them
0:01:26 > 0:01:29and he says to the first nun, "How long have you been a nun?"
0:01:29 > 0:01:33She says, "Oh, I'm a novice. I've only been a nun for a couple of years now."
0:01:33 > 0:01:38So St Peter says, "Well, in order for you to get through the pearly gates,
0:01:38 > 0:01:39"I need to ask you a question."
0:01:39 > 0:01:44So he says, "What was Joseph's wife's name?"
0:01:44 > 0:01:48And the nun says, "Mary." He goes, "Well done, in you go."
0:01:48 > 0:01:50St Peter says to the second nun,
0:01:50 > 0:01:52"How long have you been a nun?" She says, "Oh, about ten years."
0:01:52 > 0:01:56He goes, "In that case, I need to ask you a slightly more difficult question.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58"Erm...
0:01:58 > 0:02:01"What was put on Jesus' head just before he was crucified?"
0:02:01 > 0:02:03And the nun stands there thinking and she says,
0:02:03 > 0:02:07"Crown of thorns." St Peter says, "Well done, in you go."
0:02:07 > 0:02:09Third nun steps forward, St Peter says,
0:02:09 > 0:02:13"How long have you been a nun?" "I've been a nun for all my life.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15"I am completely dedicated to God."
0:02:15 > 0:02:17So St Peter says,
0:02:17 > 0:02:20"Well, in that case, I've got to ask you a much more difficult question."
0:02:22 > 0:02:26"What were Eve's first words to Adam?"
0:02:26 > 0:02:29And the nun looks and goes, "Oh, that's a hard one."
0:02:29 > 0:02:31He goes, "Well done, in you go."
0:02:34 > 0:02:37Two guys walking across a golf course and, er,
0:02:37 > 0:02:39they came up to the main road. Just at that point,
0:02:39 > 0:02:41a hearse was driving past with two limousines behind it.
0:02:41 > 0:02:45One took his cap off, buried his head in reverence
0:02:45 > 0:02:46and his mate looked at him and said,
0:02:46 > 0:02:50"I didn't know, Alan, that you were religious in any way."
0:02:50 > 0:02:51He said, "I'm not
0:02:51 > 0:02:54- "but she was a good wife to me, so..." - LAUGHTER
0:02:54 > 0:02:56So the Grim Reaper paid me a visit last night,
0:02:56 > 0:02:59I fought him off with a vacuum cleaner.
0:02:59 > 0:03:00Talk about Dyson with death.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03LAUGHTER
0:03:03 > 0:03:07Three men die in a car accident on Christmas Eve.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10They get to the pearly gates and Peter says to them,
0:03:10 > 0:03:15"Lads, because it's Christmas, there's a theme tonight."
0:03:15 > 0:03:17"The only way you're going to get into here is
0:03:17 > 0:03:19"if you've got something festive."
0:03:19 > 0:03:23So the first man goes through his pockets and pulls out a lighter.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25Lights the lighter and says,
0:03:25 > 0:03:28"That represents a candle."
0:03:28 > 0:03:31Peter goes, "Great, you're in."
0:03:31 > 0:03:34Second man comes up, he's going through his pockets,
0:03:34 > 0:03:37pulls out some keys, rattles them.
0:03:37 > 0:03:38"These represent bells."
0:03:38 > 0:03:41Peter says, "That's great, you're in."
0:03:41 > 0:03:45The third man starts panicking, goes through his pockets,
0:03:45 > 0:03:47looking everywhere
0:03:47 > 0:03:49and pulls out a skimpy pair of knickers.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51And Peter goes, "What the hell are them?!"
0:03:51 > 0:03:52And he goes,
0:03:52 > 0:03:54"They're Carol's."
0:03:54 > 0:03:57LAUGHTER
0:03:58 > 0:04:02There's a family apartment, a mum and dad, an older sister
0:04:02 > 0:04:03and a younger brother.
0:04:03 > 0:04:07And the boy is sort of getting on ten, something like that,
0:04:07 > 0:04:09interested enough to wonder
0:04:09 > 0:04:13what's going on in his older sister's bedroom.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16He can hear strange noises and when mum and dad are out,
0:04:16 > 0:04:19he looks through the keyhole and in front of this long mirror,
0:04:19 > 0:04:22his older sister is naked
0:04:22 > 0:04:25and she's fondling her breasts like this.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27"Oooh!"
0:04:27 > 0:04:30"I want a man. I want a man!"
0:04:30 > 0:04:32- She's playing with herself. - HE GASPS
0:04:32 > 0:04:36The little boy's very excited. Anyway, so mum and dad come in, he zooms off.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38A few days later, mum and dad out again,
0:04:38 > 0:04:40he goes back to the keyhole,
0:04:40 > 0:04:43there's his sister again, naked in front of this long mirror
0:04:43 > 0:04:46fondling herself like this, "Oh, oh, I want a man.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49"Oh, I want a man."
0:04:50 > 0:04:52So, anyway, he scoots off.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54Well, the next week mum and dad out again,
0:04:54 > 0:04:56looks through the keyhole...
0:04:56 > 0:04:58His sister isn't there.
0:04:58 > 0:05:02He looks around, there on the bed, two pairs of feet in opposite
0:05:02 > 0:05:05directions and all sorts of grunting and groaning going on.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07There's obviously a man in her bed.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10He's very excited by this.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13He runs back to his own room, he takes his clothes off,
0:05:13 > 0:05:15he starts rubbing his nipples, saying,
0:05:15 > 0:05:17"I want a bike! I want a bike!"
0:05:17 > 0:05:20LAUGHTER
0:05:23 > 0:05:26There was a little boy digging a hole in his garden
0:05:26 > 0:05:28and the neighbour came along the fence.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30He says, "What are you doing?"
0:05:30 > 0:05:34The little boy says, "I'm digging a hole for my pet goldfish."
0:05:34 > 0:05:35The neighbour looked at him and said,
0:05:35 > 0:05:39"It's a very big hole for a pet goldfish, isn't it?"
0:05:39 > 0:05:41The little boy said, "Not really...
0:05:41 > 0:05:45"It's in your fucking cat." Sorry...
0:05:47 > 0:05:50A mouse is going through the jungle
0:05:50 > 0:05:54and alongside this footpath he was walking on,
0:05:54 > 0:05:55there was a large river.
0:05:55 > 0:05:59As he's walking along, he sees a rhinoceros in the water
0:05:59 > 0:06:01and he said to the rhinoceros,
0:06:01 > 0:06:03"Come here, I want a word with you."
0:06:03 > 0:06:06So the rhinoceros came out and the mouse said,
0:06:06 > 0:06:09"No forget it, I don't want to see you any more.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11"I don't want to talk to you now. Go back in."
0:06:11 > 0:06:15As he walked a bit further along, he came to a hippopotamus.
0:06:15 > 0:06:19He said, "Hippo, come here a minute, I want a word."
0:06:19 > 0:06:23And as he comes out of the water, the mouse said, "No, forget it.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25"I don't want to talk to you any more."
0:06:25 > 0:06:27As he walks a bit further, he comes to an elephant.
0:06:27 > 0:06:31He said, "Oi, pal, come here a minute, I want a word."
0:06:31 > 0:06:35And as it walked out of the water, the mouse said, "No, forget it.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37"I don't want to talk to you any more."
0:06:37 > 0:06:41As it walked on, there's a lion lying underneath a tree.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43And the lion said,
0:06:43 > 0:06:46"Excuse me, but why did you pull all them
0:06:46 > 0:06:48"three animals out of the water
0:06:48 > 0:06:51"and you told them to go back?
0:06:51 > 0:06:53"Why did you do that?"
0:06:53 > 0:06:56He said, "Because I'm trying to find out who's nicked me trunks."
0:06:56 > 0:06:59LAUGHTER
0:06:59 > 0:07:02Daddy balloon, baby balloon and mummy balloon are all
0:07:02 > 0:07:05sat in the lounge at him and daddy balloon says, "Right, baby balloon.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07"You've got to go to bed." Baby balloon says,
0:07:07 > 0:07:10"But mummy balloon, daddy balloon, can I sleep with you tonight?"
0:07:10 > 0:07:14"No, you can't. You've got to sleep in your own bedroom." So off he goes to bed.
0:07:14 > 0:07:18About 12 o'clock at night, baby balloon hears mummy balloon and daddy balloon go to bed.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20About one o'clock he sneaks into their bedrooms
0:07:20 > 0:07:23and tries to sneak in between them and he can't quite get in.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25So he thinks, "I know what I'll do."
0:07:25 > 0:07:29So he undoes daddy balloon's knot, lets a bit of air out, ties him back up again.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31Tries again, still can't get in.
0:07:31 > 0:07:35Undoes mummy's knot, lets a bit of air out, does it back up again.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38He still can't get in. So he undoes his own knot,
0:07:38 > 0:07:42lets a bit of air out, ties himself back up again and squeezes in.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45In he morning, seven o'clock, daddy balloon wakes up and says,
0:07:45 > 0:07:48"What are you doing in my bedroom? Get downstairs now!"
0:07:48 > 0:07:51So mummy balloon, baby balloon and daddy balloon are in the lounge
0:07:51 > 0:07:53and daddy balloon says, "Do you know what you've done?"
0:07:53 > 0:07:56"You've let your mum down, you've let me down
0:07:56 > 0:07:59"and worst of all, you let yourself down!"
0:07:59 > 0:08:00Love that one.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03I got a phone call off me mate the other night saying,
0:08:03 > 0:08:06"Keith, I don't know what it is, every morning I feel terrible.
0:08:06 > 0:08:07I just can't get up."
0:08:07 > 0:08:10I said, "what you need to do is get some shoe polish
0:08:10 > 0:08:12"and some yeast, drink it before you go to bed."
0:08:12 > 0:08:14He said, "Will that make me feel better?" I said,
0:08:14 > 0:08:17Yeah, it'll make you rise and shine."
0:08:17 > 0:08:18LAUGHTER
0:08:18 > 0:08:23Me wife texted me last night, told me that she was in casualty.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26I watched the programme for 50 minutes,
0:08:26 > 0:08:28didn't see sight nor sound of her.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30She's still not back today.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33Don't know where she is. I'm starving as well.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36There's a really young couple and the woman fell pregnant
0:08:36 > 0:08:38and they had identical twin boys.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40But sadly, they had to give them up for adoption.
0:08:40 > 0:08:44Many years passed and the woman turned to the man who was then
0:08:44 > 0:08:47her husband and said, "I'd really like to track down our boys."
0:08:47 > 0:08:51And the dad agreed, so they set about searching
0:08:51 > 0:08:55and they discovered that the first of the identical twins was in Spain
0:08:55 > 0:08:58and his adopted family had called him Juan, and the second
0:08:58 > 0:09:02identical twin was in Egypt and his family had called him Amal.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04They got in contact with Juan's family and they went out
0:09:04 > 0:09:07to see him in Spain and they had a lovely time and it was really great.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09And when they got back, the mum said,
0:09:09 > 0:09:12"Oh, I can't wait to see our other son, Amal." To her surprise,
0:09:12 > 0:09:15her husband kind of looked like he wasn't that interested and she said,
0:09:15 > 0:09:18"What's the matter, don't you want to see him?" And he said, "Well...
0:09:18 > 0:09:20"Once you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
0:09:20 > 0:09:23LAUGHTER AND GROANS
0:09:23 > 0:09:27My best friend has sadly just died,
0:09:27 > 0:09:29had severe heartburn.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31I can't believe Gav is gone.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34LAUGHTER AND GROANS
0:09:35 > 0:09:36I had an awkward moment yesterday.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39We've got this beautiful girl lives next to us
0:09:39 > 0:09:41and she questioned me about missing lingerie off the washing line.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44Bugger me, I nearly shit her knickers.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53There was a funeral of a heart surgeon
0:09:53 > 0:09:55and he was a very popular and famous heart surgeon.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58And at his funeral, they did a lovely thing
0:09:58 > 0:10:00because when they got to the catafalque and put the coffin
0:10:00 > 0:10:05on the catafalque, they had roses in the shape of a heart.
0:10:05 > 0:10:09So the coffin went through the heart-shaped roses.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12And after the funeral, some of the specialists -
0:10:12 > 0:10:14medical specialists - were chatting to one another
0:10:14 > 0:10:17and one said to another fella, "You know, that was just lovely.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19"That heart going through a heart.
0:10:19 > 0:10:23"When I die, when it's my funeral, I want that as well.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26"Wouldn't you?" And the other fella says, "Oh, no, not me."
0:10:26 > 0:10:27He says, "Why not?" He says,
0:10:27 > 0:10:29"Oh, I'm a gynaecologist."
0:10:29 > 0:10:31LAUGHTER
0:10:33 > 0:10:36I was in a graveyard the other day and I saw four pallbearers
0:10:36 > 0:10:38walking round with a coffin on their shoulders.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41Two minutes later, went straight past again.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43Five minutes later, they passed me again.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46Four bearers looking tired, funeral director I thought...
0:10:46 > 0:10:48"I think they've lost the plot."
0:10:50 > 0:10:54There's a family of three, a husband wife and their daughter and they live in the middle of nowhere
0:10:54 > 0:10:57and the daughter is really, really innocent.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59She's got no idea about anything.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01So, anyway, one night she's invited out to the cinema by this
0:11:01 > 0:11:03really handsome bloke.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06So the following morning her parents say to her,
0:11:06 > 0:11:07"How'd you get on last night?" She said,
0:11:07 > 0:11:10"Oh, it was lovely but I laughed."
0:11:10 > 0:11:12And they said, "What happened?" She said,
0:11:12 > 0:11:15"Went into the cinema and we went up to the counter
0:11:15 > 0:11:17"and we bought some Maltesers.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19"And I laughed."
0:11:19 > 0:11:22So they said, "Why did you laugh?" She said, "No, there's more, listen.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24"We were sitting in the back row watching the film,
0:11:24 > 0:11:28"and he put his hand up my top and I laughed!"
0:11:28 > 0:11:31And they said, "Why did you laugh?" She said, "No, there's more!"
0:11:31 > 0:11:36She said, "We were sitting there and he put his hand up my skirt. And, oh, I laughed!"
0:11:36 > 0:11:38And the parents said, "Why did you laugh?"
0:11:38 > 0:11:41She said, "The Maltesers were in my pocket all the time!"
0:11:44 > 0:11:47The fella was sitting in the living room with his wife.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50And he decided he was going to sort out his funeral.
0:11:50 > 0:11:55So he said, "If I should die before you, would you marry again?"
0:11:55 > 0:11:58"Yes, I probably would."
0:11:58 > 0:12:02He said, "Would you sleep in our matrimonial bed?"
0:12:02 > 0:12:05She says, "Yes, I think so."
0:12:05 > 0:12:09He says, "Hmm, would you let him use my golf clubs?"
0:12:09 > 0:12:12She says, "Oh, no, he's left-handed."
0:12:15 > 0:12:18I went back home one night, the wife was sat at the kitchen table
0:12:18 > 0:12:20counting out all the 5ps and 10ps.
0:12:20 > 0:12:24All of a sudden she got very angry, shouting, crying uncontrollably.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."
0:12:26 > 0:12:29LAUGHTER
0:12:29 > 0:12:31There's a chap travelling along in the taxi, he suddenly thought,
0:12:31 > 0:12:33"I better ask the driver something."
0:12:33 > 0:12:36Tapped him on the shoulder, at which point the driver went,
0:12:36 > 0:12:39"Argh," screamed, and he just drove up onto the pavement,
0:12:39 > 0:12:40nearly crashed into a shop window.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43"I'm so sorry, I really didn't know you'd react like that,"
0:12:43 > 0:12:44and he said, "It's OK, mate,
0:12:44 > 0:12:47"it's not really your fault, it's just that it's
0:12:47 > 0:12:48"my first day as a taxi driver.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51"The last 25 years I've been driving a hearse."
0:12:51 > 0:12:52APPLAUSE Ba-boom!
0:12:52 > 0:12:55A duck walks into a bar.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58Says to the barman, "You got any bread?"
0:12:58 > 0:13:02The barman says, "No, we haven't got any bread. So the duck goes out.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05Next day, the duck comes in again, "You got any bread?"
0:13:05 > 0:13:08He said, "You came in yesterday. We haven't got any bread."
0:13:08 > 0:13:12So the duck goes out again. The next day, the duck goes in again.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15"You got any bread?" The barman says,
0:13:15 > 0:13:17"We have not got any bloody bread!"
0:13:17 > 0:13:20"If you come in here one more time, asking me for some bread,
0:13:20 > 0:13:24"I'll nail your bloody beak to the bar."
0:13:24 > 0:13:25"Got any nails?"
0:13:25 > 0:13:27"No, I haven't got any nails!"
0:13:27 > 0:13:28"Got any bread?"
0:13:28 > 0:13:31LAUGHTER
0:13:31 > 0:13:35A friend of mine recently went into hospital.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37He had to have a circumcision.
0:13:37 > 0:13:41Unfortunately, the surgeon wasn't very good, and very short-sighted.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43Consequently, he got the sack.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46LAUGHTER
0:13:48 > 0:13:53A fellow walks into the pub and says, "Ten double whiskies."
0:13:53 > 0:13:55And the barman says, "Why, what's the matter?"
0:13:55 > 0:13:57And said, "I've just found out my son's gay."
0:13:57 > 0:14:00The next night he walks in, "12 double whiskies."
0:14:00 > 0:14:02"God, you again, what's the matter?"
0:14:02 > 0:14:05"I've just found out my other son's gay."
0:14:05 > 0:14:08Goes in the third night, "15 double whiskies."
0:14:08 > 0:14:11The barman says, "Does anybody in your family like woman?"
0:14:11 > 0:14:13"He said, "Yeah, my wife, apparently."
0:14:13 > 0:14:16LAUGHTER
0:14:16 > 0:14:20I've heard on the news today that there was a crash
0:14:20 > 0:14:24between a cement mixer and a prison van.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27The police are looking out for 16 hardened criminals.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30LAUGHTER
0:14:30 > 0:14:34German man, on holiday, lands in Warsaw,
0:14:34 > 0:14:36goes up to the immigration desk.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39The officer says, "Occupation?"
0:14:40 > 0:14:41The German says,
0:14:41 > 0:14:43"No, I'm just here on holiday."
0:14:43 > 0:14:46LAUGHTER
0:14:46 > 0:14:49It's Hymie's last day as village postman.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52And he goes down the road and it's Mrs Solomons' house.
0:14:52 > 0:14:57She comes out, "Hymie, it's your last day as postman. Congratulations.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00"Here, from me and Mr Solomons, a bottle of whisky.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03"Have a drink, enjoy your retirement."
0:15:03 > 0:15:04"Thank you, Mrs Solomons."
0:15:04 > 0:15:07He goes down the road to Mrs Abrahams' house.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10"Ah, Hymie, it's your last day as postman.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13"I would like to give you this book token.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16"We know you like to read, now you've got leisure, enjoy your time off."
0:15:16 > 0:15:20He goes down the road to his other friend, Mrs Leibovitz comes out.
0:15:20 > 0:15:24"Hymie, it's your last day. Come inside. Come inside.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26"I've prepared for you a lovely breakfast."
0:15:26 > 0:15:30So he goes in and there it is - smoked salmon and scrambled eggs
0:15:30 > 0:15:34and toast and coffee and everything, really nice breakfast.
0:15:34 > 0:15:35And they have breakfast.
0:15:35 > 0:15:39And she says afterwards, "Hymie, this is your last day.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42"I know the way you've been looking at me over the years.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44"Come on, let's go upstairs."
0:15:44 > 0:15:48And they go upstairs. And a very nice time they have.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50And come back down.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52And as he's about to go,
0:15:52 > 0:15:55Mrs Leibovitz says to Hymie, "Here you are,
0:15:55 > 0:15:59"here's £5, buy yourself a drink."
0:15:59 > 0:16:01"Mrs Leibovitz, you've been so generous with everything,
0:16:01 > 0:16:03"thank you so much."
0:16:03 > 0:16:05"Hymie, think nothing of it,
0:16:05 > 0:16:07"last night Mr Leibovitz and I were talking,
0:16:07 > 0:16:11"I said, 'It's Hymie's last day as postman, what are we going to do?'
0:16:11 > 0:16:14"And Mr Leibovitz said, "Screw him! Give him a fiver!"
0:16:14 > 0:16:15LAUGHTER
0:16:15 > 0:16:18"But, you know, the breakfast was my idea."
0:16:22 > 0:16:28Our local vicar was in his garden and he was having a wank.
0:16:28 > 0:16:33Anyway, the local tosser came by and saw him
0:16:33 > 0:16:36and thought, "Oh, yeah, oh, yeah," he says.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39So he goes over and he says, "I'm going to tell everybody,
0:16:39 > 0:16:41"unless you buy this dog for 200 quid."
0:16:41 > 0:16:45This mangy old dog he had there. He said, "I don't want that dog!"
0:16:45 > 0:16:49He said, "I'll tell everybody. So, he said, "All right, then."
0:16:49 > 0:16:52So he lays out the money. Gives him the money. Off he goes.
0:16:52 > 0:16:56Two weeks later he's down the local pub, and he has this dog with him.
0:16:56 > 0:17:00One of the parishioners said to him, "Where did you get that dog from?"
0:17:00 > 0:17:03So he said, "Oh, I bought it the other week." So he said,
0:17:03 > 0:17:07"Oh. How much did you pay for it, then?" He said, "200 quid."
0:17:07 > 0:17:08He said, "Oh, he saw you coming!"
0:17:08 > 0:17:11LAUGHTER
0:17:12 > 0:17:15There's two nuns and a Mother Superior walking across the desert.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17They have no water, they have walked for days
0:17:17 > 0:17:20and all they've got is this bag of flour.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23They don't know where they're going, they can't see anything on the horizon.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26The Mother Superior said, "Things are getting quite desperate now.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29"We need to think very quickly in order to survive."
0:17:29 > 0:17:31So the two nuns started looking at each other, scratching
0:17:31 > 0:17:34their heads, and the Mother Superior said, "I've got an idea.
0:17:34 > 0:17:38"We've got a bag of flour. One of the nuns said, "We've got no water."
0:17:38 > 0:17:40She said, "No, I've had an idea."
0:17:40 > 0:17:43She said, "If we create this bit of a hole in the sand
0:17:43 > 0:17:46"and put a rock in the bottom, and we put the sand on it, if we all
0:17:46 > 0:17:50"try really hard to take a pee, we'll see if we can pee
0:17:50 > 0:17:53"in the flour, this blistering heat, we might be able to make some bread."
0:17:53 > 0:17:59Anyway, the first nun, she stands over this mound of the flour.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01Tries her hardest, nothing happens.
0:18:01 > 0:18:05Said, "I'm so sorry, Mother Superior. She went, "No problem, child."
0:18:05 > 0:18:07Asked the next nun to come forward.
0:18:07 > 0:18:11She really tries hard to have a pee and she just can't do it,
0:18:11 > 0:18:13she says, "I'm so sorry, Mother Superior."
0:18:13 > 0:18:16She said, "Please don't worry, let's see what I can do."
0:18:16 > 0:18:20Mother Superior stands over this pile of flour, she strains, she groans.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22She strains some more.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25She strains so hard, she lets out a huge fart, she blows
0:18:25 > 0:18:29all the flour away, and the two nuns piss themselves with laughter.
0:18:29 > 0:18:33LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:33 > 0:18:36Someone asked me the other day what I want on my headstone.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38I thought for a minute and said, "Husband of the above."
0:18:38 > 0:18:41LAUGHTER
0:18:41 > 0:18:42I've just come back from a funeral.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45A friend of mine got killed while he was playing tennis.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47It was a beautiful service.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49LAUGHTER AND GROANING
0:18:49 > 0:18:51I'm no longer a funeral director.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54I've now got a job as a hostage negotiator.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57I tried to phone in sick the other day,
0:18:57 > 0:18:59but they talked me out of it.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01LAUGHTER
0:19:01 > 0:19:04What do you call a donkey with one leg?
0:19:04 > 0:19:06A wonky donkey.
0:19:06 > 0:19:10What do you call a donkey with one eye and one leg?
0:19:10 > 0:19:12A winky wonky donkey.
0:19:12 > 0:19:16What do you call a donkey with one eye, one leg, making love?
0:19:16 > 0:19:18A bonky wonky donkey.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
0:19:22 > 0:19:23A carrot.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25LAUGHTER
0:19:25 > 0:19:30What do you call a French man who's wearing a pair of sandals?
0:19:30 > 0:19:32Phil-ippe Flop.
0:19:34 > 0:19:38So what do you call a donkey with one leg, one eye, making love
0:19:38 > 0:19:40and playing the piano?
0:19:40 > 0:19:42A honky-tonky binky wonky donkey.
0:19:42 > 0:19:47And what do you call a donkey who is making love with one leg and with
0:19:47 > 0:19:50one eye, playing the piano, wearing blue suede shoes
0:19:50 > 0:19:51and driving a truck?
0:19:51 > 0:19:53Very talented.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:56 > 0:19:58I went to a cannibal's party last night.
0:19:58 > 0:19:59I had a ball.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01LAUGHTER
0:20:03 > 0:20:06This is really bad, so I just warn you in advance.
0:20:07 > 0:20:11A lorry-load of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
0:20:11 > 0:20:12What a "turtle" disaster.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14LAUGHTER AND GROANING
0:20:14 > 0:20:15Sorry!
0:20:15 > 0:20:17MAN: You were right!
0:20:21 > 0:20:25A man goes to the doctor's with a top hat on.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28Said to the doctor, "I've got a slight problem."
0:20:28 > 0:20:32And the doctor said, "Why, what is it?" So he took his hat off.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35And he's got a little tree on his head.
0:20:35 > 0:20:39The doctor said, "That's strange. I've never seen anything like this before."
0:20:39 > 0:20:43He said, "Take two tablets, come back in two weeks' time."
0:20:43 > 0:20:48Two weeks later he goes back. The doctor says, "How is it feeling now?
0:20:48 > 0:20:50"Is it any different?" He said, "Yes, it is."
0:20:50 > 0:20:53He says, "There's a little duck pond next to the tree.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56"Two little ducks in it."
0:20:56 > 0:21:00He said, "That's very strange. I've never had anything like this before.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03"Take two tablets and then come back in a fortnight."
0:21:03 > 0:21:06Two weeks later he goes back. He said to the man,
0:21:06 > 0:21:09"How are you feeling these days?"
0:21:09 > 0:21:13He says, "It's still there. I have a little tree with little birds in.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16"The duck pond's there with little ducks in.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19"There's a park bench with two old ladies feeding the ducks."
0:21:19 > 0:21:22He said, "This is very, very, very strange."
0:21:22 > 0:21:25He said, "But I think I know what it is."
0:21:25 > 0:21:26He said, "What is it, Doctor?"
0:21:26 > 0:21:28He said, "It's a beauty spot."
0:21:28 > 0:21:31LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:21:33 > 0:21:37Young lady goes to the doctor's, she's not very well endowed as far as her breasts are concerned,
0:21:37 > 0:21:38she's worried about it.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41She said, "What can I do to enhance my breasts?"
0:21:41 > 0:21:42He said, "I'll give you some ointment
0:21:42 > 0:21:45"and you stand in front of the mirror every day and rub it on.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48"You say, 'I must, I must increase my bust.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50'I must, I must, increase my bust.'
0:21:50 > 0:21:53So she says, "Fine." She does it for about three weeks
0:21:53 > 0:21:55and something seems to be happening.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58She's stood at the bus stop one day and thinks, "Crikey,
0:21:58 > 0:22:01"I've not put the cream on this morning. I must do it every morning."
0:22:01 > 0:22:04So surreptitiously she opens her blouse, puts her hand in, she goes,
0:22:04 > 0:22:07"I must, I must, increase my bust.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09"I must, I must increase my bust." And a guy goes up to her
0:22:09 > 0:22:13and goes, "Here, do you go to Dr Jones?" She says "Yes, I do.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16"How do you know?" He goes, "Hickory dickory dock!"
0:22:17 > 0:22:20This woman goes round to visit the local vicar
0:22:20 > 0:22:22and she says, "Vicar, I have this real problem.
0:22:22 > 0:22:26"I've bought this parrot and all she ever says is "I'm a prostitute,
0:22:26 > 0:22:29"I'm a prostitute, I'm a prostitute." I need some help.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32So the vicar says, "That's all right.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35"My two parrots, they are constantly praying.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38"Bring your parrot round we'll put it in the cage with mine,
0:22:38 > 0:22:42and then hopefully my two will teach your bird to pray."
0:22:42 > 0:22:45So the following day she takes her parrot round to the vicar's
0:22:45 > 0:22:50she puts the cage next to the vicar's cage and her parrot's saying,
0:22:50 > 0:22:53"I am a prostitute, I'm a prostitute, I'm prostitute."
0:22:53 > 0:22:56And the vicar's two parrots look at each other and go, "Stop praying,
0:22:56 > 0:22:57"this is what we want!"
0:22:59 > 0:23:02This fella walks into a bar and as he goes up to the bar there's
0:23:02 > 0:23:05the most beautiful woman sitting on the bar stool next to him.
0:23:05 > 0:23:06As he's about to order his drink
0:23:06 > 0:23:09he looks round and she makes eyes at him.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12He thinks to himself, "Aye, aye, this is interesting."
0:23:12 > 0:23:16He asks the young lady if she'd like a drink and she accepted.
0:23:16 > 0:23:20So he turns and they start chatting, so he says, "What's your name?"
0:23:20 > 0:23:23She says, "My name's Carmen." He said, "That's a beautiful name."
0:23:23 > 0:23:27She said, "Well, yes, that's my name because I like two things.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29"I like car and I like men, so my name's Carmen."
0:23:29 > 0:23:31He goes, "That's really, really interesting."
0:23:31 > 0:23:35She says, "What's your name?" He says, "Charlie Beer Minge."
0:23:38 > 0:23:43Two nuns on a park bench when a guy comes up in a long coat
0:23:43 > 0:23:45and whips his coat open and flashes them.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48One nun had a stroke, the other one couldn't quite reach!
0:23:51 > 0:23:54A young girl walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56So the barman gives her one.
0:23:59 > 0:24:01There's a magician working on a cruise ship
0:24:01 > 0:24:04and every night he would astound new audiences with his tricks.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07But the captain of the ship had a pet parrot
0:24:07 > 0:24:09and he'd seen the tricks hundreds of times
0:24:09 > 0:24:11and he was getting really bored, so for a bit of fun he thought
0:24:11 > 0:24:14he'd start shouting out how the tricks were done.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17So, when the magician made a rabbit disappear the parrot would shout,
0:24:17 > 0:24:19"He's under the table!"
0:24:19 > 0:24:22And then when he made a bunch of flowers appear out of thin air, he said,
0:24:22 > 0:24:24"They were up his sleeve all along!"
0:24:24 > 0:24:28So the next day the ship hit a rock and sunk to the bottom of the ocean.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30The magician survived and he managed to swim
0:24:30 > 0:24:33and cling onto a plank of wood that was floating. When he looked up
0:24:33 > 0:24:35he saw that the parrot was at the other end of the plank.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38He stared at the parrot with hatred and the parrot stared back
0:24:38 > 0:24:41and they didn't say anything for three days.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43And then the parrot eventually broke the silence and said,
0:24:43 > 0:24:46"All right, I give up, what have you done with the ship?"
0:24:48 > 0:24:51A chicken walks into a library.
0:24:51 > 0:24:55He goes up to the librarian and goes, "Booook."
0:24:55 > 0:24:57The librarian gives him a book.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59The chicken leaves the library.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02Two days later the chicken walks back into the library,
0:25:02 > 0:25:05and goes, "Boook, boook."
0:25:05 > 0:25:08So the librarian gives him two books.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11Five days later, the chicken walks in again.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14Goes to the librarian and goes,
0:25:14 > 0:25:18"Boook, boook, boook, boook, boook."
0:25:19 > 0:25:21The librarian gives him five books.
0:25:21 > 0:25:25At this point the librarian's very suspicious so he follows the chicken home.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28Eventually he gets to where the chicken lives,
0:25:28 > 0:25:30chicken goes through the front door.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33The librarian sneaks up to the window, which is slightly open,
0:25:33 > 0:25:37and he looks in and there's a frog sitting in a chair.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40The chicken goes up to the frog and gives him the books,
0:25:40 > 0:25:42and the frog says,
0:25:42 > 0:25:45"Readit, readit, readit, readit, readit."
0:25:45 > 0:25:47LAUGHTER
0:25:47 > 0:25:51The lady of the manor comes home, walks up the stairs.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53"Jeeves, take my coat off."
0:25:53 > 0:25:55"Yes, m'lady."
0:25:55 > 0:25:57"Jeeves, take my shoes off."
0:25:57 > 0:25:59"Yes, m'lady."
0:25:59 > 0:26:01"Jeeves, take my dress off."
0:26:01 > 0:26:03"Yes, m'lady."
0:26:03 > 0:26:05"Jeeves, undo my bra.
0:26:05 > 0:26:08"If I catch you wearing my clothes again you're sacked. "
0:26:10 > 0:26:14This guy gets a job at a private zoo and the gaffer gives him three tasks.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17The first task is to clean out the tropical fish pond.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20So he goes along with his spade, starts clearing out the seaweed
0:26:20 > 0:26:23and this almighty tropical fish jumps out and bites him on the arm.
0:26:23 > 0:26:28Instinctively he swings the spade and hits the fish, kills it instantly.
0:26:28 > 0:26:31He thinks, "That's not good. What can I do?"
0:26:31 > 0:26:32Has a look, sees the lion enclosure.
0:26:32 > 0:26:36Says "I know, I'll throw it over there cos lions will eat anything."
0:26:36 > 0:26:39He goes on to the next task of the day, which is cleaning out the ape house.
0:26:39 > 0:26:43He goes in there, starts shovelling away, cleaning all the mess up.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46All of a sudden these chimpanzees attack him with coconuts.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49Again, instinctively, he starts swinging out with the spade,
0:26:49 > 0:26:51kills several of the chimps.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54He remembers, "I'll throw them into the lion enclosure
0:26:54 > 0:26:56"cos the lions will eat anything."
0:26:56 > 0:26:58The chap goes on to his last job of the day,
0:26:58 > 0:27:03cleaning out and tidying up the South American beehives.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05All of a sudden all these bees start attacking him.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08Without a thought he starts swinging the spade left, right and centre
0:27:08 > 0:27:10and smashes these bees to a pulp.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12Knowing what to do now,
0:27:12 > 0:27:16he shovels everything up, tosses the bees over into the lion enclosure.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18The next day a new lion arrives.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21And he says, "By the way, what's the food like here?"
0:27:21 > 0:27:22The head lion turns around and says,
0:27:22 > 0:27:26"Yesterday we were treated to fish, chimps and mushy bees."
0:27:26 > 0:27:29LAUGHTER AND GROANING
0:27:30 > 0:27:35A little boy threw his toast out the window. Why?
0:27:35 > 0:27:38Cos he wanted to see the butterfly.
0:27:39 > 0:27:42I'm not saying that I'm an unlucky bloke
0:27:42 > 0:27:45but I was at a funeral the other day and I caught the wreath.
0:27:45 > 0:27:48There was a motorbike and a sidecar hearse rider,
0:27:48 > 0:27:50and he loved to go fast.
0:27:50 > 0:27:53At a funeral, the family said to him, "Would you go fast?
0:27:53 > 0:27:55"Would you go really fast?" He says, "OK."
0:27:55 > 0:27:59They're on the funeral, he's bombing down the road but he didn't realise there's a roundabout
0:27:59 > 0:28:02and as the bike went round the roundabout it went round too fast
0:28:02 > 0:28:05and the coffin came flying out and went through a shop window.
0:28:05 > 0:28:06And it was the shop window of a chemist.
0:28:06 > 0:28:10"Oh," he thought, "Oh, no!" So he ran in and said to the chemist,
0:28:10 > 0:28:12"Have you got something to stop my coffin?"
0:28:14 > 0:28:20The difference between the English cricket team and a funeral director.
0:28:21 > 0:28:24The funeral director won't lose the ashes.