0:00:03 > 0:00:08This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:16 > 0:00:18I took Alfie to the pub yesterday and as I walked up to the bar
0:00:18 > 0:00:22I noticed there was a couple of pieces of meat nailed to the bar.
0:00:22 > 0:00:24I said, "What's that all about?"
0:00:24 > 0:00:27He said, "It's a challenge we're running for dogs. If your dog can
0:00:27 > 0:00:31"jump up and get that meat, he can have it and I have to give you a
0:00:31 > 0:00:34"drink free but, if he tries it and fails, you have to buy me a drink."
0:00:34 > 0:00:38I said, "All right, I'll have a go at that." I said to Alfie, "Go fetch,"
0:00:38 > 0:00:40and he jumps up and grabs these pieces of meat.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43The bartender says, "Well done. Here's your pint."
0:00:43 > 0:00:46I'm drinking my pint and the bartender says, "Your dog's good
0:00:46 > 0:00:49"at this. Shall we try another challenge?" "Yeah, I'm up for that."
0:00:49 > 0:00:53He goes out and comes back with these two juicy pieces of sirloin
0:00:53 > 0:00:57and nails them to the top of the bar. He says, "If your dog can get those,
0:00:57 > 0:01:00"not only does he get the meat but I have to buy you a drink
0:01:00 > 0:01:04"and everybody in the pub has to buy you a drink, but, if he fails,
0:01:04 > 0:01:07"you have to buy everybody in the pub a drink. Are you up for it?"
0:01:07 > 0:01:12I looked at this meat up there and at Alfie, who was very excited,
0:01:12 > 0:01:16and I looked around and the place was full of people, this pub.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19And I just turned around to the bartender and said,
0:01:19 > 0:01:22"Sorry, mate. Can't do it. The steaks are too high."
0:01:22 > 0:01:24LAUGHTER
0:01:24 > 0:01:28A three-legged dog walks into a saloon bar in the old West,
0:01:28 > 0:01:31he sidles up to the bar and says to the bartender,
0:01:31 > 0:01:34"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
0:01:34 > 0:01:37LAUGHTER
0:01:37 > 0:01:41There's a minivan full of nuns, crashes - all the nuns die.
0:01:41 > 0:01:42Terrible.
0:01:42 > 0:01:46They go to heaven and they wait at the gates and St Peter goes,
0:01:46 > 0:01:50"I've got to ask you all one question and then the gates will open and you can go in."
0:01:50 > 0:01:53He goes, "Have you ever touched a willy?"
0:01:53 > 0:01:55"Yeah, I touched a willy with this finger."
0:01:55 > 0:01:58"Put your finger in the holy water, you'll be cleansed."
0:01:58 > 0:02:00The gates open, she goes through.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02The second one, "Have you touched a man's willy?"
0:02:02 > 0:02:05"Yes. I once touched...held it in my hand."
0:02:05 > 0:02:08"Put your hand in the water, you'll be cleansed."
0:02:08 > 0:02:10The gates open, she goes through.
0:02:10 > 0:02:15There's a big kerfuffle at the back of the line and St Peter goes, "What's going on back there?"
0:02:15 > 0:02:19"I'm not going to wash my mouth out after she's put her bum in the water."
0:02:19 > 0:02:21LAUGHTER
0:02:22 > 0:02:26I popped into the doctor's the other week for my annual check-up.
0:02:26 > 0:02:31He said, "I'm sorry but you're going to have to stop masturbating."
0:02:31 > 0:02:33I said, "Oh, why's that?"
0:02:33 > 0:02:35"Cos I'm trying to examine you."
0:02:36 > 0:02:39He didn't like that.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42There's a husband and wife and they're in the bedroom.
0:02:42 > 0:02:46And the husband is terminally ill and he's laying there
0:02:46 > 0:02:49and he's going in and out of consciousness.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52His wife's sitting on the bed and she's just patting his hand,
0:02:52 > 0:02:55and as he comes round, he looks up at her and says,
0:02:55 > 0:02:58"Darling, I've got to tell you something now.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01"I really, genuinely don't know if you'll ever forgive me
0:03:01 > 0:03:03"but I've got to tell you."
0:03:03 > 0:03:05She said, "What is it, darling?"
0:03:05 > 0:03:08He said, "I've slept with your sister."
0:03:08 > 0:03:12She said, "I know. It's OK. Just rest."
0:03:12 > 0:03:15A few minutes later he goes back off and comes back around.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18There his wife is again and he says, "Oh, darling,
0:03:18 > 0:03:21"I'm afraid I've slept with your other sister."
0:03:21 > 0:03:25She said, "It's OK, babe," and she's patting his hand.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28And he drifts off again, then he comes back round again
0:03:28 > 0:03:31and he looks up and thinks to himself, thank God she's still there.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34He said, "Darling, I've got to tell you this and I don't think
0:03:34 > 0:03:38"you'll ever forgive me." She said, "What is it, darling?"
0:03:38 > 0:03:40He said, "I've slept with your mum."
0:03:40 > 0:03:44She went, "I know, darling. Why do you think I fucking poisoned you?"
0:03:44 > 0:03:47LAUGHTER
0:03:47 > 0:03:51A retired couple, a middle-aged couple and a young married couple
0:03:51 > 0:03:54all went to their local church to see if they could join.
0:03:54 > 0:03:58They saw the vicar and he said, "I would love to accept you
0:03:58 > 0:04:01"but you've all got to go two weeks without sex.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03"After the two weeks, come back and see me."
0:04:03 > 0:04:06After two weeks, the retied couple went back
0:04:06 > 0:04:09and the vicar said, "How did you get on?"
0:04:09 > 0:04:11"No problem. No problem at all."
0:04:11 > 0:04:13"OK, you can join."
0:04:13 > 0:04:16The middle-aged couple, he said, "How did you get on?"
0:04:16 > 0:04:20"A bit hard for the first day or two but after that no problem."
0:04:20 > 0:04:23He got to the young married couple and said, "How did you get on?"
0:04:23 > 0:04:28"We were doing all right until my wife dropped the paint." "What do you mean, dropped the paint?"
0:04:28 > 0:04:33"She bent over and my lust took over and, wallop, that was it."
0:04:33 > 0:04:36The vicar went, "That's disgusting. You're banned."
0:04:36 > 0:04:40The young fella went, "That's what the manager of B&Q said."
0:04:40 > 0:04:43LAUGHTER
0:04:43 > 0:04:46There's a guy doing his accounts at the end of the month
0:04:46 > 0:04:49and he's distraught. He turns to his wife and says,
0:04:49 > 0:04:52"We've had it. We're spiralling downhill at the speed of light.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55"I can't work any harder. What are we going to do?
0:04:55 > 0:04:58"You're going to have to go on the streets." "I couldn't possibly."
0:04:58 > 0:05:00"Why not?" "I'd be terrified."
0:05:00 > 0:05:03"Don't worry, I'll drop you off at the corner of the street
0:05:03 > 0:05:06"and I'll park around the corner by Millennium Point.
0:05:06 > 0:05:10"If you've got any questions, pop round and you'll be safe."
0:05:10 > 0:05:14Within minutes some guy came up and hopped in the car and said, "Are you ready for business?
0:05:14 > 0:05:17She said, "Yeah." "How much is it?"
0:05:17 > 0:05:20"Hang on." She nips round to her husband's car and knocks the window.
0:05:20 > 0:05:24"I've got a punter. How much is it?" He says, "Tell him £40."
0:05:24 > 0:05:26She goes back to the car and says, "£40."
0:05:26 > 0:05:29"I've only got £20. What can I have for that?"
0:05:29 > 0:05:32She goes to her husband's car. He says, "What?"
0:05:32 > 0:05:35"He's only got £20. What can he have for that?"
0:05:35 > 0:05:37"Tell him he can have some light relief."
0:05:37 > 0:05:41She goes back and says, "Light relief." "That'll do."
0:05:41 > 0:05:45He opens himself up and she looks and says, "Hang on."
0:05:45 > 0:05:48Nips back to the car, knocks the car. "What now?"
0:05:48 > 0:05:50"Can you lend him £20?"
0:05:50 > 0:05:53LAUGHTER
0:05:54 > 0:05:57There's a French poodle and a collie walking down the road.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59The French poodle turns to the collie and says,
0:05:59 > 0:06:02"My life's a mess, my owner's horrible, my wife's gone off
0:06:02 > 0:06:05"with a German shepherd and I'm as nervous as a cat."
0:06:05 > 0:06:10The collie turns to the poodle and says, "Why don't you go and see a psychiatrist?"
0:06:10 > 0:06:13The poodle says, "I would, but I'm not allowed on the couch."
0:06:13 > 0:06:15LAUGHTER
0:06:17 > 0:06:20A man wanders into a pub and takes three ducks with him.
0:06:20 > 0:06:25He puts them on the counter, asks for a pint of beer, and then nips to the toilet.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28The barman decides he'd better make conversation with these ducks
0:06:28 > 0:06:29so he says to the first one,
0:06:29 > 0:06:32"What's your name and what sort of day have you had?"
0:06:32 > 0:06:34He said, "I'm Huey and I've had a lovely day.
0:06:34 > 0:06:38"It's been raining all day and I've been in and out of puddles."
0:06:38 > 0:06:40He says to the second one, "What's your name?"
0:06:40 > 0:06:42"I'm Dewey and I've had a lovely day.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45"I've been in and out of puddles as well."
0:06:45 > 0:06:48So he turns to the third duck and says, "You must be Louie."
0:06:48 > 0:06:52The duck says, "No, I'm Puddles, and you don't want to know
0:06:52 > 0:06:54"what sort of day I've had."
0:06:54 > 0:06:58LAUGHTER
0:06:58 > 0:07:00So I went to my GP again the other day and said,
0:07:00 > 0:07:02"Doctor, it's terrible.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04"Yesterday I woke up thinking I was a wigwam.
0:07:04 > 0:07:08"This morning, I woke up thinking I was a tepee. What do you think's wrong?"
0:07:08 > 0:07:10And he said, "Well, obviously, you're obviously just two tents."
0:07:10 > 0:07:13LAUGHTER
0:07:15 > 0:07:17There is this very fat lady that one day,
0:07:17 > 0:07:21she decides to lose weight because she met the man of her life.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24So she goes to her GP and tells him, you know,
0:07:24 > 0:07:27"I really, really want to get in shape.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30"I want to lose at least 50 kilos.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32"Um, please help me, help me, help me."
0:07:32 > 0:07:37So the GP says to her, "Don't worry, there is an innovative slimming diet.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40"All you need to do is rather than eating the food from your mouth,
0:07:40 > 0:07:42"you eat it from the behind."
0:07:42 > 0:07:45The lady, she's a bit perplexed, said,
0:07:45 > 0:07:48"Never heard of this before but I'll try."
0:07:48 > 0:07:52So two months later, she goes back to the GP, really in shape,
0:07:52 > 0:07:57very slim, and she sits by the doctor and she keep doing this,
0:07:57 > 0:08:01and they start having a conversation about her health issues
0:08:01 > 0:08:06and at the end, she keeps doing this and the GP asks her,
0:08:06 > 0:08:10"You know, I'm really happy that you have been losing
0:08:10 > 0:08:13"so much weight but I would like to ask you one question.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16"Why you keep doing this all the time?" She smiles.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19"Oh, you know, I'm just eating a chewing gum."
0:08:19 > 0:08:22LAUGHTER
0:08:28 > 0:08:31There's a jockey at Ascot and he says to the owner,
0:08:31 > 0:08:33"How do you want me to ride the horse?"
0:08:33 > 0:08:36He says, "Hold him back until we get to the last furlong."
0:08:36 > 0:08:39So he holds the horse back and they're going through the last furlong
0:08:39 > 0:08:41and a chicken drumstick hits him in the ear.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43He thought, "What the hell is that?"
0:08:43 > 0:08:45Next thing he knows, he's hit by a lump of salmon.
0:08:45 > 0:08:49"What's going on here?" The last thing that hits him is a bottle of champagne.
0:08:49 > 0:08:50Knocks him right off the horse
0:08:50 > 0:08:55The owner said, "What happened at the last furlong?" He says, "I was hampered in the last furlong."
0:08:55 > 0:08:58LAUGHTER
0:08:58 > 0:09:01A few years ago, my dad was taken ill and he had to go into a care home
0:09:01 > 0:09:03because we couldn't manage with him at home.
0:09:03 > 0:09:07So after a week, the manager rang me up and she said, "Oh, Frances.
0:09:07 > 0:09:11"Your dad's like a fish out of water." I said, "What do you mean?
0:09:11 > 0:09:15"Isn't he making friends? Is he being cantankerous?
0:09:15 > 0:09:17"She said, "No, he's dead."
0:09:17 > 0:09:20LAUGHTER
0:09:20 > 0:09:23Mrs Pullett had a conversation with a young girl.
0:09:23 > 0:09:24The young girl said to Mrs Pullett,
0:09:24 > 0:09:26"Why does your son keep cluck-cluck-clucking?"
0:09:26 > 0:09:29Mrs Pullett says, "Because he thinks he's a chicken."
0:09:29 > 0:09:33So the girl says, "Don't you think you ought to tell him he's not a chicken?"
0:09:33 > 0:09:35And she says, "No. We need the eggs."
0:09:35 > 0:09:38LAUGHTER
0:09:38 > 0:09:41Two sausages in a frying pan and one sausage turns to the other
0:09:41 > 0:09:44and says, "Goodness me! It's hot in here."
0:09:44 > 0:09:46And the other one says, "Goodness me, a talking sausage!"
0:09:46 > 0:09:49LAUGHTER
0:09:49 > 0:09:53A family sitting around a table and the dad -
0:09:53 > 0:09:56he's got the kids a bit of venison, a bit of deer.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59So he says - he doesn't tell them what it is and he says,
0:09:59 > 0:10:01"Have a look at this, kids. This is a...
0:10:01 > 0:10:03"Have a try of it, see if you like it and see
0:10:03 > 0:10:06"if you can guess what it's called. I'll give you a clue.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09"It's what Mummy calls me", thinking "dear".
0:10:09 > 0:10:13The little girl looks at him and thinks, then she...sudden...
0:10:13 > 0:10:18Surprise comes over her face. "Don't eat it! It's a fucking arsehole!"
0:10:18 > 0:10:20LAUGHTER
0:10:26 > 0:10:31There was an old man driving down a very long, windy road.
0:10:31 > 0:10:32All of a sudden - BUMP!
0:10:32 > 0:10:35He hits something, so he gets out of his car.
0:10:35 > 0:10:39He goes round to the front and goes, "Oh! Oh, my God.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42"I've hit the Easter Bunny. I've killed him.
0:10:42 > 0:10:46"What am I going to do?" The man was absolutely mortified.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48Anyway, about five minutes later,
0:10:48 > 0:10:53a lovely young blonde lady arrives in a white Ferrari.
0:10:53 > 0:10:57She gets out of the car and says, "What's the problem? What's happened?"
0:10:57 > 0:11:00So the man turns around and says, "I've killed the Easter Bunny.
0:11:00 > 0:11:04"What am I going to do?" She says, "Hah! Leave it with me."
0:11:04 > 0:11:06She goes back to her car, opens the door,
0:11:06 > 0:11:10pulls out a can, sprays the bunny all over.
0:11:10 > 0:11:14Steps back and all of a sudden, the bunny jumps up.
0:11:14 > 0:11:19He shakes himself off and runs about 10m down the road,
0:11:19 > 0:11:24turns round and waves and then he runs another 10m down the road,
0:11:24 > 0:11:26turns round and waves again.
0:11:26 > 0:11:31And he kept doing this until the couple just couldn't see him any more.
0:11:31 > 0:11:35The old man turns round to the very pretty blonde girl and says,
0:11:35 > 0:11:39"Wow! That was amazing. What on Earth was that?"
0:11:39 > 0:11:42She said, "Well, it's just hare spray.
0:11:42 > 0:11:46"It revitalises hare and gives an everlasting wave!"
0:11:46 > 0:11:49LAUGHTER
0:11:49 > 0:11:54A blonde goes into a garage in an SLK230 and all of a sudden,
0:11:54 > 0:11:59the engine died, so, vroom! Vroom! Vroom! Vroom! It wouldn't start.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01Vroom! Vroom! Vroom! Wouldn't start.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03She goes in the shop, sent the mechanic out.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05The mechanic lifts the hood and has a fiddle.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08Within a couple of minutes, the car's running very, very sweetly.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11So he says, "There you go." She says, "All right, what's the tale?"
0:12:11 > 0:12:16He says, "Crap in the carburettor." She says, "How often do you want me to do that?"
0:12:16 > 0:12:17LAUGHTER
0:12:19 > 0:12:21A man was driving home from work one day.
0:12:21 > 0:12:26He looked in the mirror, saw a police car. Nee-naw! Nee-naw! Nee-naw!
0:12:26 > 0:12:29Thought, "No! What on Earth has happened now?!"
0:12:29 > 0:12:31Pulls into the hard shoulder, policeman comes along.
0:12:31 > 0:12:36"Wind your window down." Window goes down. "Excuse me, sir.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39"I've every reason to believe that you have been drinking.
0:12:39 > 0:12:44"And not only that, you're having oral sex with a duck."
0:12:44 > 0:12:46"Now don't be so ridiculous, sir.
0:12:46 > 0:12:50"I haven't been drinking, I wasn't having oral sex with a duck."
0:12:50 > 0:12:52"Sorry. Step out of the car, sir.
0:12:52 > 0:12:56"I need you to blow into the bag." "OK, officer.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58"I'll blow into the bag."
0:12:59 > 0:13:02LAUGHTER
0:13:03 > 0:13:08I took Alfie down to the bar yesterday and I went up
0:13:08 > 0:13:10and ordered a drink and the bartender gives me a pint
0:13:10 > 0:13:13and he puts down a bowl of nuts on the bar.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15Anyway, I'm sitting there, quietly drinking my pint
0:13:15 > 0:13:18and all of a sudden, I hear this female voice going,
0:13:18 > 0:13:21"You look really nice tonight." Looked around, I thought,
0:13:21 > 0:13:25"Nobody here." Looked down at Alfie, no - obviously nothing.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28So I carried on drinking and this female voice says again,
0:13:28 > 0:13:31"I really like that shirt of yours." What's going on here?
0:13:31 > 0:13:33This is mad. Anyway, so I thought, I'll go over
0:13:33 > 0:13:36and put some music on and that'll sort it out.
0:13:36 > 0:13:40So I go to the jukebox, take Alfie over and I'm looking at the music like this
0:13:40 > 0:13:44and I hear this man's voice saying, "You are ugly." I looked round.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47Nobody. So I thought, carry on looking at the music.
0:13:47 > 0:13:51This man's voice again, turns round and says, "Your breath stinks."
0:13:51 > 0:13:54And I'm thinking, this is ridiculous. So I go to the bartender and say to the bartender,
0:13:54 > 0:13:58"This is mad. One minute I'm stood there and there's a woman's voice telling me really nice things
0:13:58 > 0:14:02"and then there's this bloke's voice telling me horrible things. What's going on?"
0:14:02 > 0:14:08"Oh, sorry. I should've said - whilst the nuts are complimentary, the jukebox is just out of order."
0:14:08 > 0:14:10LAUGHTER
0:14:10 > 0:14:14On a recent flight back from New York with my daughter,
0:14:14 > 0:14:17we were about four hours over the Atlantic
0:14:17 > 0:14:21and the pilot came on the tannoy and he said, "I don't wish to
0:14:21 > 0:14:25"alarm you, ladies and gentlemen but we have lost power in an engine.
0:14:25 > 0:14:29"But it's not a problem. It just means it's going to add 30 minutes to our flight."
0:14:29 > 0:14:32My daughter looked at her watch and rolled her eyes.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35Anyway, about an hour later, the pilot came back on and he said,
0:14:35 > 0:14:38"We've lost power in a second engine but don't worry.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41"It just means it's going to add 30 minutes to the flight."
0:14:41 > 0:14:46My daughter looked at her watch again She's like, "Tut!" An hour later,
0:14:46 > 0:14:50the pilot came back on and he said, "Please don't be alarmed.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53"We've lost power in the third engine.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56"That just means it's going to add a further half-hour to the flight."
0:14:56 > 0:15:01My daughter looked at her watch, rolled her eyes and said, "Mum, you do realise, if we lose power in
0:15:01 > 0:15:04"the fourth engine, we're going to be we're going to be up here all night!"
0:15:04 > 0:15:08LAUGHTER
0:15:08 > 0:15:11A long-distance lorry driver, been on the road for a couple of weeks,
0:15:11 > 0:15:14pulled into this town. He went to the nearest brothel,
0:15:14 > 0:15:17stuck £300 down on the counter and he said to the madam,
0:15:17 > 0:15:20"Give me your biggest, fattest, ugliest woman
0:15:20 > 0:15:21"and a toasted cheese sandwich."
0:15:21 > 0:15:24She said, "For that money, you can have a beautiful, slim young girl
0:15:24 > 0:15:26"and I'll give you a three-course meal."
0:15:26 > 0:15:29He said, "Madam, I'm not horny. I'm just homesick."
0:15:29 > 0:15:32LAUGHTER
0:15:32 > 0:15:35Two prostitutes standing on a street corner.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38One says to the other, "You ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
0:15:38 > 0:15:40"No, but I've been swung round by the tits a few times."
0:15:40 > 0:15:42LAUGHTER
0:15:44 > 0:15:46What's a short-sighted gynaecologist
0:15:46 > 0:15:49and Sidney the French bulldog got in common?
0:15:49 > 0:15:52They both have wet noses.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54LAUGHTER
0:15:54 > 0:15:58What do you get if you cross a rottweiler with a Labrador?
0:15:58 > 0:16:00A dog that scares the shit out of you,
0:16:00 > 0:16:01then runs away with the toilet roll.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03LAUGHTER
0:16:05 > 0:16:07What's this? "Grr!
0:16:07 > 0:16:08"Grr!
0:16:08 > 0:16:10"Grr!"
0:16:10 > 0:16:11It's a vicious circle.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13LAUGHTER
0:16:13 > 0:16:15What do gay horses eat?
0:16:15 > 0:16:17- CAMPLY:- "Hey!"
0:16:17 > 0:16:20LAUGHTER
0:16:20 > 0:16:23Two moths on a wall and one says to the other,
0:16:23 > 0:16:25"M'off."
0:16:25 > 0:16:27LAUGHTER
0:16:28 > 0:16:30Why do communists drink herbal tea?
0:16:32 > 0:16:33Because "proper-tea" is theft.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35- MIRA BARKS - Yes, that's right.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40A man was driving down the motorway one day when, all of a sudden,
0:16:40 > 0:16:42his tyre blew out.
0:16:42 > 0:16:45He walked for a while and found a house to ask for help.
0:16:45 > 0:16:49A lady was at the door with a three-legged pig.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52"How did the pig lose his leg?" the man asked.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54"Well, there was this terrible fire.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57"The pig ran up, woke everyone up and saved them."
0:16:57 > 0:17:00"But how did he lose his leg?", the man asked.
0:17:00 > 0:17:04"This little boy fell through the ice, so the pig ran to the barn,
0:17:04 > 0:17:07"grabbed a rope and pulled the boy out, saving him."
0:17:07 > 0:17:09"But how did he lose his leg?"
0:17:09 > 0:17:12"Well, after he'd done all that, we couldn't eat him all at once!"
0:17:12 > 0:17:14LAUGHTER
0:17:16 > 0:17:19A woman takes her parrot into the vet's.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21She's a bit concerned, cos it's not moving.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23The vet says, "I can tell you straight away
0:17:23 > 0:17:25"that the parrot is dead."
0:17:25 > 0:17:26She goes, "Don't be daft!
0:17:26 > 0:17:28"You can't just tell by looking at it that it's dead.
0:17:28 > 0:17:32"Surely there's some kind of test you could do to see for sure."
0:17:32 > 0:17:34So the vet says, "OK, all right."
0:17:34 > 0:17:37He goes out, comes back in with a Labrador on a lead.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40And the Labrador walked round the table and looked at the parrot.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42He turns round to the vet and goes to the vet...
0:17:44 > 0:17:46And the vet said, "Well, obviously, the parrot is dead,
0:17:46 > 0:17:50"because it's conclusive. The dog can justify that."
0:17:50 > 0:17:53The woman says, "Don't be ridiculous. What kind of test's that?
0:17:53 > 0:17:54"You need to do more tests."
0:17:54 > 0:17:57The vet said, "There is another test, if you hang on a moment."
0:17:57 > 0:17:59He comes back in with a cat in his arms
0:17:59 > 0:18:02and he puts the cat down on the table next to the parrot.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04The cat walks all the way round the parrot
0:18:04 > 0:18:06and sniffs it from head to toe
0:18:06 > 0:18:09and then sniffs it from head to toe again, like a cat does.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11After a few minutes, he looks at the vet and goes...
0:18:12 > 0:18:15And walks out of the room and the vet says,
0:18:15 > 0:18:16"Look, this parrot is definitely dead.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18"We've done all the tests that we can do now."
0:18:18 > 0:18:21She's getting emotional and she starts to leave the vet's.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24Anyway, the vet's receptionist shouts after her and says,
0:18:24 > 0:18:26"Excuse me, miss, that's £500."
0:18:26 > 0:18:29The woman turns round and says, "Don't be ridiculous!
0:18:29 > 0:18:31"£500 just to tell me my parrot's dead?"
0:18:31 > 0:18:34He said, "Let's face it - we did do a lab report and a cat scan."
0:18:34 > 0:18:36LAUGHTER
0:18:38 > 0:18:42On the way here this morning, I was walking past the local prison
0:18:42 > 0:18:44and a midget jumped over the wall.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47As he jumped down, he sneered at me, and I thought to myself,
0:18:47 > 0:18:48"That's a little con-descending."
0:18:48 > 0:18:51LAUGHTER
0:18:51 > 0:18:53That's me for the time being!
0:18:54 > 0:18:59So a guy decides to renovate an old pub
0:18:59 > 0:19:02and he makes it look absolutely wonderful and he thinks,
0:19:02 > 0:19:03"There's still one thing missing.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06"We need something to make it feel really homey.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08"I know, I think I'll get a dog."
0:19:08 > 0:19:11But there's only one problem - every time the dog wags its tail,
0:19:11 > 0:19:14it knocks all the drinks off the tables,
0:19:14 > 0:19:17so he takes him to the vet and he has his tail docked
0:19:17 > 0:19:21and brings the remains of the tail home, mounts it,
0:19:21 > 0:19:22puts it over the bar.
0:19:22 > 0:19:2518 years later, the dog passes away
0:19:25 > 0:19:28and he's met at the pearly gates by St Peter
0:19:28 > 0:19:30and St Peter says, "I'm really sorry.
0:19:30 > 0:19:35"You can't come into heaven - no dogs can come in without their tails.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37"You'll have to go back and get your tail."
0:19:37 > 0:19:40So, one dark and stormy night,
0:19:40 > 0:19:44the landlord and his wife hear this howling in the distance.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47Then they hear a terrible scratching on the door
0:19:47 > 0:19:50and outside there's Fido sitting.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53The landlord says, "What on Earth are you doing, Fido,
0:19:53 > 0:19:56"scaring us like this? You always had a good life with us."
0:19:56 > 0:19:59The dog says, "Yeah, I'm really sorry, but..."
0:19:59 > 0:20:03He tells him the story and says, "So I really have to have my tail back."
0:20:03 > 0:20:07The landlord says, "I can't do anything about it this evening."
0:20:07 > 0:20:11Fido says, "Why not?" "Well, I'm really sorry, Fido,
0:20:11 > 0:20:14"but you've been a pub dog long enough to know
0:20:14 > 0:20:16"that we can't 're-tail' spirits after ten o'clock."
0:20:16 > 0:20:19LAUGHTER
0:20:20 > 0:20:22- Want a true story?- Go on, then.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24I've been a dog trainer for years now.
0:20:24 > 0:20:28A woman came to me with a Jack Russell. She wanted me to...
0:20:28 > 0:20:29Dolly.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31- Sorry. - LAUGHTER
0:20:33 > 0:20:35I said that at the wrong time, didn't I?
0:20:39 > 0:20:42A travelling salesman knocks on the door. A woman answers.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44He goes, "I've got the world's greatest washing powder here.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47"Would you like me to demonstrate?" She goes, "Come in."
0:20:47 > 0:20:50He goes, "All I need is a bowl of hot water, a bowl of cold water
0:20:50 > 0:20:52"and the dirtiest thing you've got in the house."
0:20:52 > 0:20:53She gets the bowls,
0:20:53 > 0:20:56he puts the powder in and she gets her husband's rugby shirt.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58He goes, "Here you go - into the hot, out of the hot,
0:20:58 > 0:21:00"into the cold, out of the cold,
0:21:00 > 0:21:02"up to the light, shining bright,
0:21:02 > 0:21:03"under the nose, smells like a rose.
0:21:03 > 0:21:04"Look at that."
0:21:04 > 0:21:06She goes, "That's fantastic!
0:21:06 > 0:21:08"It's so clean." He goes, "Give me something dirtier."
0:21:08 > 0:21:11She gets her husband's rugby shorts.
0:21:11 > 0:21:12He goes, "Into the hot, out of the hot,
0:21:12 > 0:21:14"into the cold, out of the cold,
0:21:14 > 0:21:15"up to the light, shining bright,
0:21:15 > 0:21:18"under the nose, smells like a rose. Look at that."
0:21:18 > 0:21:20She goes, "I can't believe it, that's so clean."
0:21:20 > 0:21:21He goes, "All right,
0:21:21 > 0:21:24"get me the dirtiest thing you've got in the house, whatever it is."
0:21:24 > 0:21:27She goes, "Well, I've had these knickers on for three weeks."
0:21:27 > 0:21:28He goes, "Get 'em off, I'll clean 'em."
0:21:28 > 0:21:31She takes them off and he goes, "Into the hot, out of the hot,
0:21:31 > 0:21:32"into the cold, out of the cold,
0:21:32 > 0:21:34"up to the light, shining bright,
0:21:34 > 0:21:37"under the nose, smells like... into the hot, out of the hot,
0:21:37 > 0:21:40- "into the cold..." - LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:21:40 > 0:21:43Bloke walks into a pub with a crocodile on a lead.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45The landlord said, "You can't bring that in here."
0:21:45 > 0:21:47"Why not?" "They're dangerous."
0:21:47 > 0:21:50He said, "It ain't dangerous, it's my pet crocodile." "I don't care."
0:21:50 > 0:21:53"If I can prove it ain't dangerous, can I bring it in?"
0:21:53 > 0:21:56"All right." An old lady was sitting in the corner with a walking stick.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59"Can I borrow your walking stick?" He takes the walking stick
0:21:59 > 0:22:01and hits the crocodile right across the top of the head.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03The crocodile opens his mouth up.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05He takes his old boy, puts it in the croc's mouth
0:22:05 > 0:22:07and hits him on the head again. The crocodile shuts his mouth.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10He hits the crocodile and it opens its mouth. "Look, not a mark on it.
0:22:10 > 0:22:13"Anyone else want to try?" The old lady says, "I will.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15"But don't you hit me with that fucking stick!" Sorry!
0:22:15 > 0:22:18LAUGHTER
0:22:18 > 0:22:22This piece of string, he goes into a pub and walks up to the barman
0:22:22 > 0:22:25and says, "I'd like a pint of your best bitter, please, barman."
0:22:25 > 0:22:27The barman looks at him and says,
0:22:27 > 0:22:31"I'm not serving you, you're a piece of string. Get out of my pub!"
0:22:31 > 0:22:34The piece of string turns around, walks outside,
0:22:34 > 0:22:36stands there...
0:22:37 > 0:22:38"Ah!"
0:22:41 > 0:22:43Walks back into the pub.
0:22:43 > 0:22:44Goes up to the barman and says,
0:22:44 > 0:22:47"Barman, I'd like a pint of your best bitter."
0:22:47 > 0:22:50The barman says, "I've told you before, I'm not serving you.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52"You're a piece of string, get out."
0:22:52 > 0:22:54Piece of string says, "I'm 'a-frayed knot.'"
0:22:54 > 0:22:56LAUGHTER
0:22:56 > 0:22:58So I went to a restaurant the other day.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00I sat down, gave the waiter my order.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02About 20 minutes later, a duck comes up to me.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05He says, "You've got the most divine eyes I've ever seen in my life",
0:23:05 > 0:23:06and he gave me a rose.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08I went, "Waiter! I ordered AROMATIC duck!"
0:23:08 > 0:23:11LAUGHTER
0:23:15 > 0:23:18A man and a woman walk past a swanky new restaurant.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20The woman says, "Wow! That smells lovely."
0:23:20 > 0:23:23The man says, "Fuck it, I'll treat her tonight",
0:23:23 > 0:23:24and they go and walk past it again.
0:23:24 > 0:23:28LAUGHTER
0:23:28 > 0:23:33A blonde walks into a library and she says to the librarian,
0:23:33 > 0:23:36- LOUDLY:- "Can I have a hamburger and some fries, please?"
0:23:36 > 0:23:40The librarian says to her, "Madam, this is a library!"
0:23:40 > 0:23:42- She says... - QUIETLY:- "Oh, I'm sorry.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45"Can I have a hamburger and some fries, please?"
0:23:45 > 0:23:47LAUGHTER
0:23:49 > 0:23:52There were three girls on a desert island
0:23:52 > 0:23:54and they'd been there for a long time.
0:23:54 > 0:23:55There was a blonde,
0:23:55 > 0:23:57a brunette and a redhead,
0:23:57 > 0:24:00and they stumble across a lamp,
0:24:00 > 0:24:02so they give it a rub and a genie appears.
0:24:02 > 0:24:06He says, "I can grant you all one wish and one wish only."
0:24:06 > 0:24:08The redhead, she's got two little girls
0:24:08 > 0:24:10and she's really, really missing them,
0:24:10 > 0:24:12so she says, "I'd like to go back home"
0:24:12 > 0:24:14and, puff! Magically, she was back home.
0:24:14 > 0:24:18The brunette, she's got a partner, and she was really, really lovesick,
0:24:18 > 0:24:20so she said, "I really want to go see him."
0:24:20 > 0:24:23Puff! She was back home with her partner.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26The blonde, she was sitting there for a little while.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28She was looking really, really sad
0:24:28 > 0:24:32and then she said, "I really, really miss my two friends.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34"I wish they were back here with me."
0:24:34 > 0:24:36LAUGHTER
0:24:36 > 0:24:40A girl goes to the doctor's with a strawberry stuck up her bum.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43The doctor says, "I've got some cream for that."
0:24:43 > 0:24:45LAUGHTER
0:24:45 > 0:24:48I went to the doctor's the other day.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50I said, "Doctor, I can't stop singing
0:24:50 > 0:24:52"The Green, Green Grass Of Home."
0:24:52 > 0:24:55He said, "Oh, you've got Tom Jones syndrome."
0:24:55 > 0:24:58I said, "Tom Jones syndrome? Is that common?"
0:24:58 > 0:25:00He said, "It's not unusual."
0:25:00 > 0:25:02LAUGHTER
0:25:04 > 0:25:07I was asleep last night and I woke up
0:25:07 > 0:25:11and I saw the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the end of my bed.
0:25:11 > 0:25:13At first I was afraid, then I was petrified.
0:25:13 > 0:25:16LAUGHTER
0:25:16 > 0:25:21I went into the greengrocer's and picked up an iceberg lettuce.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23"Why are these getting smaller and smaller?",
0:25:23 > 0:25:25I asked the sales assistant.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27She said,
0:25:27 > 0:25:28"Global warming."
0:25:28 > 0:25:31LAUGHTER
0:25:31 > 0:25:33Aynuk and Ayli were out celebrating New Year
0:25:33 > 0:25:36and New Year's morning they came out of the pub
0:25:36 > 0:25:40and they were absolutely tanked up to the eyeballs.
0:25:40 > 0:25:41And Aynuk said,
0:25:41 > 0:25:44"How are we going to get 'ome, Ayli?" He said, "I don't know.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46"I don't even know where I am."
0:25:46 > 0:25:48He said, "Can't you tell from the stars?"
0:25:48 > 0:25:50"I think you can but I can't. Can you?"
0:25:50 > 0:25:52"I can't. Hold up, somebody's coming."
0:25:52 > 0:25:54Bloke comes up. He said, "Excuse me, mate,
0:25:54 > 0:25:56"is that the North Star up there?"
0:25:56 > 0:25:58He said, "I don't know, chap - I ain't from round here."
0:25:58 > 0:26:01LAUGHTER
0:26:01 > 0:26:04There were three dogs. There was a mathematician's dog,
0:26:04 > 0:26:05an architect's dog and a musician's dog.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07They gave all the dogs a pile of bones.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09The architect's dog went off
0:26:09 > 0:26:12and made a lovely, beautiful pyramid out of all these bones.
0:26:12 > 0:26:17The mathematician's dog made lovely geometric shapes with all his bones.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20The musician's dog ate all of the bones,
0:26:20 > 0:26:22shagged the other two dogs
0:26:22 > 0:26:24and said, "How much am I getting paid for this gig?"
0:26:24 > 0:26:27LAUGHTER
0:26:27 > 0:26:33A local business in the town put an advert in the window for staff.
0:26:33 > 0:26:38The advert said, "We want someone who can use the keyboard and type,
0:26:38 > 0:26:41"we want someone who can use the computer
0:26:41 > 0:26:44"and we want someone who's bilingual."
0:26:44 > 0:26:47Next minute, a cat strolls by,
0:26:47 > 0:26:49puts his paw on the window.
0:26:49 > 0:26:52So the receptionist looks at the cat,
0:26:52 > 0:26:55she opens the door, lets the cat in,
0:26:55 > 0:26:56calls the manager.
0:26:56 > 0:26:59He says, "Well, I know you're a cat
0:26:59 > 0:27:02"and we're an equal opportunities employer
0:27:02 > 0:27:05"but can you type and use a keyboard?"
0:27:05 > 0:27:08So the cat sits down at the typewriter.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10Beautiful, fantastic.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12200 words a minute.
0:27:12 > 0:27:17So then he says, "Right, OK, but can you use a computer?"
0:27:17 > 0:27:21The cat sits at the computer, does a spreadsheet, fantastic.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23"OK, then", he says.
0:27:23 > 0:27:26"But I bet you're not bilingual."
0:27:26 > 0:27:28"Woof! Woof!", the cat says.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30LAUGHTER
0:27:30 > 0:27:34There's two Mexicans lost in the desert in the old Wild West.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36They'd gone days without any food or water
0:27:36 > 0:27:38and they were getting really desperate.
0:27:38 > 0:27:41They noticed in the distance there was actually a tree
0:27:41 > 0:27:43and it looked like this tree had all kinds of meat
0:27:43 > 0:27:45hanging from its branches.
0:27:45 > 0:27:48They start walking towards it. As they get closer,
0:27:48 > 0:27:50they see that this tree has actually got bacon
0:27:50 > 0:27:52hanging from all the branches.
0:27:52 > 0:27:54It's got smoky bacon, it's got streaky bacon,
0:27:54 > 0:27:55it's got pieces of gammon.
0:27:55 > 0:27:57All this life-giving bacon.
0:27:57 > 0:27:59So the first Mexican shouts out to his friend,
0:27:59 > 0:28:01"It's a bacon tree, we're saved!"
0:28:01 > 0:28:04And he starts running as fast as he can towards this tree.
0:28:04 > 0:28:06He gets within a few feet of this tree
0:28:06 > 0:28:08and he gets shot down in a hail of bullets
0:28:08 > 0:28:10and he falls dying to the floor.
0:28:10 > 0:28:14His friend shouts out to him and says, "Que pasa, hombre? What is it?"
0:28:14 > 0:28:17The Mexican lying on the floor, with his last dying breath,
0:28:17 > 0:28:20shouts back to his friend,
0:28:20 > 0:28:22"Run, amigo, run! It's not a bacon tree!
0:28:22 > 0:28:24"It's a ham-bush!"
0:28:24 > 0:28:27LAUGHTER
0:28:27 > 0:28:30What does the dog say when he sits on sandpaper?
0:28:30 > 0:28:32"Rough!"
0:28:32 > 0:28:34LAUGHTER