0:00:34 > 0:00:37HE CLEARS HIS THROAT LOUDLY
0:00:37 > 0:00:41- Do you have to do that, Sidney? - What?
0:00:41 > 0:00:43Clear your throat like that.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46- Like what?- In that silly way.- Silly?
0:00:46 > 0:00:48Oh, never mind.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50Hhhhrrrrmmmph!
0:00:52 > 0:00:55- There you go again. - No, I didn't.- Yes, you did.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57- You don't know you're doing it. - Of course I do.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01Hhhhrrrrmmmph!
0:01:01 > 0:01:03- You do it to annoy me.- I do not.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06I've been clearing my throat like that for 40 years.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08That's what annoys me!
0:01:08 > 0:01:09Ha ha!
0:01:11 > 0:01:12Ta-da!
0:01:12 > 0:01:16- Anyone for pumpkin?- Don't show off.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18- Your coffee is cold. - Hhhhrrrrmmmph!
0:01:18 > 0:01:21I'm not surprised, Father keeps blowing on it!
0:01:21 > 0:01:24- I'll clear my throat the way I want!- I didn't mean that, sorry...
0:01:24 > 0:01:26- Don't argue with your father! - I'm not arguing.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28- Don't argue with your mother! - But don't you unders...
0:01:28 > 0:01:31- What's that thing?- It is a pumpkin, Mother, for the panto.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34- You're too big for your boots, Timothy.- Oh, right, I'm off.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36- Where are you going? - I'm off to join the SAS.
0:01:36 > 0:01:37LAUGHTER
0:01:41 > 0:01:44I'm after an easy life, don't you understand?
0:01:44 > 0:01:47You're going nowhere until you've tried Uncle Biffo's jacket on.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49LAUGHTER
0:01:50 > 0:01:53He wanted you to have it.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55I knew he didn't like me.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57There's no moth in it.
0:01:57 > 0:02:01- No moth in its right mind, anyway. - Now, don't be silly.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04You'll look very nice at the golf club dance tonight.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07I am NOT going to the golf club dance.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09Are you constipated?
0:02:09 > 0:02:11LAUGHTER
0:02:11 > 0:02:14No, Mother, I'm not constipated.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17You don't have to be constipated not to want to go to a golf club dance.
0:02:17 > 0:02:21- I don't like dancing. - It's good for constipation.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24I don't care if it's good for constipation, Mother,
0:02:24 > 0:02:27I'm not constipated! I just don't want to go to the golf club dance.
0:02:27 > 0:02:31- Bolshie, Timothy!- Sorry, Father. - It's just that your father and I
0:02:31 > 0:02:35happen to think that the golf club is just the sort of place
0:02:35 > 0:02:38where you might meet a really sensible sort of girl.
0:02:38 > 0:02:42- What do you mean by sensible? What do you mean, sensible, Mother?- Well...
0:02:42 > 0:02:46- sensible.- What you mean, sensible? What you mean, sensible?
0:02:46 > 0:02:48With sensible shoes.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51And perhaps something put aside in the building society.
0:02:51 > 0:02:52Building society, Mother?
0:02:52 > 0:02:55I don't want that, I want a raven-haired beauty
0:02:55 > 0:02:58striding out of the sea with a dagger strapped to her right thigh.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00LAUGHTER
0:03:00 > 0:03:04- And the zip undone right the way down as far as...- Timothy!
0:03:04 > 0:03:06And eating a chocolate bar.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09Well, that won't do her teeth any good.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12Oh, who cares about her teeth, Mother? Ha ha!
0:03:12 > 0:03:16Plenty more where they come from. I should say so! Ah! Three o'clock.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18Must be off to rehearsals.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21Oh, yes, of course, the Ravencross Thespians -
0:03:21 > 0:03:22very important(!)
0:03:22 > 0:03:26And you'll be assistant under-dogsbody as usual?
0:03:26 > 0:03:29I do have an executive role on the management side, yes.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32Sweeping up, you mean?
0:03:32 > 0:03:34To some extent, yes.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36But this year I have a part.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39Well, do try and keep out of the back row of the chorus.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42We never saw you in the Student Prince
0:03:42 > 0:03:44until the front row took a bow.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48Mother, to take part is the important thing.
0:03:48 > 0:03:52- Participation is of the essence. That's what Zac says.- Oh, Zac!
0:03:52 > 0:03:54The great Zac! I'm sick of Zac!
0:03:54 > 0:03:57Zac, Mother, is a very caring and sensitive director.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59He is a real artist.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02And what is this real work of art you're doing with him?
0:04:02 > 0:04:04Cinderella. HORN TOOTS
0:04:04 > 0:04:06- There we are, I must be off, Mother.- Timothy...
0:04:06 > 0:04:09Don't worry, I shall be back before midnight. Ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:04:12 > 0:04:15Hrrrmmmmmphhh!
0:04:15 > 0:04:17Don't YOU start!
0:04:17 > 0:04:19TYRES SCREECH
0:04:22 > 0:04:27Coming! Coming! Ha ha! Hello, hello! Sorry I'm late.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29- Very good of you to do this.- Hi, Tim.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31- You know Poppy?- Hi, you. - What? "High you"?
0:04:31 > 0:04:34Oh, sorry, "Hi, you!" Ha ha!
0:04:34 > 0:04:36Yes, lovely... Shall I climb in the back?
0:04:36 > 0:04:38- Well, there's no room in the front, Timmy!- Ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:04:38 > 0:04:40I'll remember that one!
0:04:40 > 0:04:43Look at him, jumping up and down, waggling his silly little tail.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45Oh, come on, Phyllis, let the young...
0:04:45 > 0:04:49- Have you cleaned your shoes for tonight? The dance?- No. Fair enough.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53ENGINE REVS
0:04:53 > 0:04:56And don't forget to put that cream on your spots!
0:04:56 > 0:04:58LAUGHTER
0:05:23 > 0:05:25HE WHISTLES
0:05:25 > 0:05:27- Ooh!- You run along, huh?
0:05:29 > 0:05:34- Tim! You're not doing anything after rehearsal.- Oh, aren't I? No...
0:05:34 > 0:05:36No, I'm not. No, no. Why? Where are we going?
0:05:36 > 0:05:41No, no, you see, the thing is, Poppy and I are going to Stratford.
0:05:41 > 0:05:42- For the night!- Oh!
0:05:42 > 0:05:46- HE CHUCKLES - You know, Stratford!
0:05:46 > 0:05:49Yes. Yes, well, I know Stratford. Love's Labours Lost.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51Although I'm sure they won't be with the... I'm sure...
0:05:51 > 0:05:54- All's Well That Ends Well! - Yes, yes, yes.- Sorry.
0:05:54 > 0:05:59You see, there's this problem. There's this other chick, Vanessa.
0:05:59 > 0:06:06- Oh, you know, last year's model.- Oh! Last year's model! Always a problem!
0:06:06 > 0:06:09Don't I know! And now you're trading it in.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12Hell, no! She's a lovely lady!
0:06:12 > 0:06:14But the thing is, I'm kind of into Poppy right now
0:06:14 > 0:06:17and Vanessa's still hanging in there.
0:06:17 > 0:06:21Oh! I see! I see!
0:06:22 > 0:06:24I think I see.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27Well, you know what women are like.
0:06:27 > 0:06:31HE CHUCKLES URBANELY Do I know what women are like?
0:06:31 > 0:06:33I know what my mother's like.
0:06:33 > 0:06:38- Tim...I kind of hate to ask you to do this.- Oh, no, you can...
0:06:38 > 0:06:41But do you think you could make Vanessa welcome?
0:06:41 > 0:06:44You know, buy her a drink.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46Maybe you two could get it together.
0:06:46 > 0:06:50- Make her kind of feel that life was worth living after all.- Yes, yes.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53- You know, let it all hang out?- Yes!
0:06:53 > 0:06:55- Do you see?- Er, no, thank you.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58Oh, right, thank you. Yes, yes!
0:06:58 > 0:07:00Well, I have made one or two chicks in the past
0:07:00 > 0:07:03feel that life was kind of worth living...
0:07:03 > 0:07:05HE MUTTERS
0:07:05 > 0:07:08Though I say it myself, Zac, I, er...
0:07:08 > 0:07:09Zac, Zac...
0:07:09 > 0:07:13Zac? Oh! Sorry, I was... I was... I'm sorry, I...
0:07:13 > 0:07:15PIANO PLAYS
0:07:15 > 0:07:18WOMAN SINGS SHRILLY, FEET THUMP
0:07:18 > 0:07:21# Sing and dance and shout hoorah!
0:07:21 > 0:07:24# We're so happy it's alarming
0:07:24 > 0:07:27# Let's all go and meet
0:07:27 > 0:07:29# Prince Charming! #
0:07:29 > 0:07:31Come on, come on! Try to look happy!
0:07:31 > 0:07:35It's supposed to be a wedding, for God's sake! Smile! And off!
0:07:35 > 0:07:38Come on, move, move! Off! Off! Off! Off! Off!
0:07:38 > 0:07:41- PIANO PLAYS MANICALLY - All right, hold the music!
0:07:41 > 0:07:44Paul! Paul! Hold the music!
0:07:44 > 0:07:48Horace the horse... will you get off the stage?!
0:07:48 > 0:07:49HOOVES CLUMP
0:07:49 > 0:07:53No! The other way! The horse doesn't go to the wedding!
0:07:53 > 0:07:56Stage right, your left!
0:07:56 > 0:07:59Sorry, what's... This way, do you mean? You mean this way?
0:07:59 > 0:08:00- MUFFLED:- No!
0:08:00 > 0:08:04- What? Sorry, sorry... - Tim, stage left!
0:08:04 > 0:08:06Wait a minute, Zac. It's just that I...
0:08:06 > 0:08:10You know, I feel that this horse...
0:08:10 > 0:08:14you know, would want to go to the wedding. I mean, I just feel...
0:08:14 > 0:08:18You know... I just, you know... I just think it's...
0:08:18 > 0:08:22- He's that sort of horse, that's all, you know...- Tim...!
0:08:22 > 0:08:25No, Zac, wait a minute. You see, you see... I...
0:08:25 > 0:08:30I have thought myself, Zac, into the rear end of this horse.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33LAUGHTER
0:08:33 > 0:08:35In a sense, Zac, you see, in a sense,
0:08:35 > 0:08:38I AM the rear end of this horse.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40Yes, you are!
0:08:40 > 0:08:44And the brains are in the front! So will you follow Frank, please?!
0:08:44 > 0:08:46No, no, wait a minute. You're obviously... You're a little bit...
0:08:46 > 0:08:49Can we have a minute, girls, please? I'm trying to explain to Zac.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52Look, you're obviously a little bit overwrought.
0:08:52 > 0:08:57But I mean, as I see it, you see, in Cinderella, surely the horse...
0:08:57 > 0:09:00I might be wrong - please correct me if I am - but the horse
0:09:00 > 0:09:05in Cinderella, Zac, represents, yes, the brute force of nature.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07- Now, do you see?- All right, Tim!
0:09:07 > 0:09:09I'll be the brains in the fronts of the horse
0:09:09 > 0:09:12- and you be the brute force of nature at the back.- Right!
0:09:12 > 0:09:16- We could split up...- Tim!- No... - It's all right, it's all right.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19We'll play it your way. The horse goes to the wedding!
0:09:19 > 0:09:22- He will be pleased!- End of rehearsal. We go to the pub.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25- Ha ha!- Tim?- Yes?
0:09:25 > 0:09:29- You won't forget about Vanessa? - No.- Right.- Oh...
0:09:29 > 0:09:32- Well, coming for a drink, brute force?- No.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34No, as a matter of fact, I'll just hang about.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36I've got a favour to do for... Zac. A little...
0:09:36 > 0:09:39A little woman, you know. So I'll just hang about here. Ha ha!
0:09:39 > 0:09:42- Let it all hang out.- Not in THOSE trousers you won't!- Ha ha!
0:09:42 > 0:09:44- See you in the pub. - Okey-doke, yes.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47Now, I'd just like to get this worked out again...
0:09:47 > 0:09:48Um...
0:09:48 > 0:09:51It's alarming...
0:09:51 > 0:09:53Prince Charming... Turn round...
0:09:53 > 0:09:55Wave the tail... One, two, three...
0:09:55 > 0:09:56- WOMAN:- Hello?
0:09:56 > 0:09:58- Hello?- Hello?
0:09:58 > 0:10:04- Hello?- I was looking for Zac. - Oh, hello! You must be Vanessa.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06SQUEAKY: My name is... Sorry.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08- What?- Tim. My voice went, I'm sorry. - Oh! Where's Zac?
0:10:08 > 0:10:12SQUEAKY: Well, he's not here. He's gone away to... Oh...
0:10:12 > 0:10:14Sorry.
0:10:14 > 0:10:18- The voice went again. I'm sorry. - Oh, dear, he said six o'clock.- Hm...
0:10:18 > 0:10:22- Do you have a throat condition? - Um, well, I... I...
0:10:22 > 0:10:24I am a little HOARSE! Ha ha!
0:10:24 > 0:10:26LAUGHTER
0:10:26 > 0:10:29- Sorry.- Pardon?- No, sorry it was...
0:10:29 > 0:10:32Well, I do have a little trouble with the throat in the flying suit.
0:10:32 > 0:10:35- Sorry, in the winter. I'm sorry, yes...- Where's Zac?
0:10:35 > 0:10:38- Um, well, he's definitely not here. - Well, when will he be back?
0:10:38 > 0:10:43- Um, well, I think it's about three hours to Stratford, isn't it?- Oh!
0:10:43 > 0:10:45- Stratford! - HE CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY
0:10:45 > 0:10:47- He always takes them there.- Yes.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50Picked up some little bit from the back row, has the?
0:10:50 > 0:10:52Well, front row, be fair. Ha ha!
0:10:52 > 0:10:55- Getting the full treatment, is she, poor cow?- Mm.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57Four-poster bed, all that?
0:10:57 > 0:11:00Well, he didn't actually mention the number of posts, but...
0:11:00 > 0:11:03And leaves a message with the nearest amenable idiot.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06Yes, that's right, that's me. That's right... I mean, I mean...
0:11:06 > 0:11:09Not that I'm an amenable idiot, I mean... Ha ha.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12Charming! Left high and dry with nothing to do till eight o'clock.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15- Hm.- Well, he's not the only pebble on the beach.- Ah!
0:11:15 > 0:11:20That's where I fit in. As one of the lesser pebbles. Ha ha!
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Barely shingle. Ha ha!
0:11:22 > 0:11:26- Anyway, would you like to step over to the pub and have...- No, thank you.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29Oh, Vanessa, I want you to know that life is still kind of worth living.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31- What have you got on?! - I mean, if I might be frank,
0:11:31 > 0:11:34I know that underneath you're hurting all over at the moment, but...
0:11:34 > 0:11:36Oh, I see! This is Toyland and you're Noddy.
0:11:36 > 0:11:40- Time is a great healer, if I may tell you. A great...- Do shut up.
0:11:40 > 0:11:44- I understand. You have to take it out on someone.- Take what out?
0:11:44 > 0:11:47- Well, this feeling of rejection, you know. I understand.- You're the horse!
0:11:47 > 0:11:49Part of it, yes. Yes.
0:11:49 > 0:11:53I too, myself, have been rejected in the past, believe it or not. Ha ha!
0:11:53 > 0:11:57- Do be quiet. Zac Schmac! I've forgotten him already.- Oh, good.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59Which part of the horse are you?
0:11:59 > 0:12:02Second half. LAUGHTER
0:12:02 > 0:12:04The back end, you mean.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07The part the sun shines out of! Ha ha!
0:12:07 > 0:12:08LAUGHTER
0:12:10 > 0:12:15- What did you say your name was?- Tim. - Oh!- Timothy, yes.- Hm!
0:12:15 > 0:12:17THEY CHUCKLE
0:12:17 > 0:12:20Has a ring to it, doesn't it? Yes, I, I...
0:12:20 > 0:12:23Sorry, I'm not making you feel very welcome, am I?
0:12:23 > 0:12:26- Why don't we, er...? Let's pull up a toadstool!- Oh!
0:12:27 > 0:12:29Ha ha!
0:12:29 > 0:12:31LAUGHTER
0:12:33 > 0:12:37- Oh, dear... Welcome to the village green!- Where is everyone?
0:12:37 > 0:12:41Oh, I... I'm sorry. My... My voice has gone again. I'm sorry.
0:12:41 > 0:12:45You know, the way you lose that voice is very good for my ego.
0:12:45 > 0:12:49I'm sorry, it's just that... You know, you are, er...
0:12:49 > 0:12:52very attractive, and, er...
0:12:52 > 0:12:54voice just sort of goes! Ha ha!
0:12:54 > 0:12:57- Why don't you sit down? - Oh, thank you much.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59SHE SIGHS
0:12:59 > 0:13:02- You know, I feel very safe with you. - Oh!
0:13:02 > 0:13:04LAUGHTER
0:13:04 > 0:13:07- What's wrong with that?- Well...
0:13:07 > 0:13:10- It's probably, you know, my problem. - What?
0:13:10 > 0:13:12Well, I mean, if you sort of feel safe with me...
0:13:12 > 0:13:13I mean, if you, you know...
0:13:13 > 0:13:16then I, you know, don't represent a threat or...
0:13:16 > 0:13:19You know, I'm probably just not... macho enough, you know.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21Macho - I'm sick of it!
0:13:21 > 0:13:23Makes a change to talk to someone who doesn't see himself
0:13:23 > 0:13:27- as halfway between Flash Gordon and King Kong.- Ha ha!
0:13:27 > 0:13:30Well, I'm a change at least. Ha ha!
0:13:30 > 0:13:32I'm something, I'm a change. Ha ha!
0:13:32 > 0:13:35I was into all that virility thing when I was younger,
0:13:35 > 0:13:39but frankly, now, I just, you know... let it all fall out.
0:13:39 > 0:13:45- Hang!- Hang and fall, I do a bit of both, hang and fall... Ha ha!
0:13:45 > 0:13:47I do a lot of hanging and falling, but I, er...
0:13:47 > 0:13:52Tell me... I... Tsk! I mean, what about... Would it...
0:13:52 > 0:13:56As it were, are you... Have you any... Are you doing any...
0:13:56 > 0:13:59- What about this evening? Would you like...- Ah!
0:13:59 > 0:14:02- Ah!- Well, I'm supposed to go to some awful golf club thing.
0:14:02 > 0:14:06Oh, goodness! Oh, that, yes. Mother is going to that. Catch me at that!
0:14:06 > 0:14:10- Ha ha!- Well, I thought I might give it a whirl.- Well, I suppose so.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12Chacun a son thingybob!
0:14:12 > 0:14:15- Shall we step over road to the pub and have a little...- Well, er...
0:14:15 > 0:14:17- In half an hour? - Excellent, excellent!
0:14:17 > 0:14:19Couldn't be better. Couldn't be better. Ha ha!
0:14:19 > 0:14:22I've got quite a bit of liaising to do here, you know.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25Have you ever seen the back and of a horse sweep up after itself?
0:14:25 > 0:14:27SHE LAUGHS
0:14:27 > 0:14:31- See you later, poppet. Mwah! - Yeah, see you...see you, poppet.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34# Girls were made to love and kiss
0:14:34 > 0:14:38# And who am I to interfere with this? Tra-la... #
0:14:39 > 0:14:42Hello? Oh! Hello?!
0:14:42 > 0:14:44Somebody turn the lights out?
0:14:44 > 0:14:45BUCKET CRASHES
0:14:45 > 0:14:47LAUGHTER
0:14:50 > 0:14:54# The girl that I marry will have to be as sweet as... #
0:14:54 > 0:14:58- You've been a long time. It's flat. - Ah! I'll get a round, Frank.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01As matter of fact, I DO get around! Ha ha!
0:15:01 > 0:15:04# The girl that I marry will have to... #
0:15:04 > 0:15:06Evening, Jean! Good evening!
0:15:06 > 0:15:10- Wonderful day!- It's raining. - Wonderful rain! Ha ha!
0:15:10 > 0:15:12Unlucky in weather, lucky in love.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14# The girl that I marry will have to be...#
0:15:14 > 0:15:16Two pints, please, Jean, thank you very much.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19She loves me, she loves me not. She... Oh!
0:15:19 > 0:15:21LAUGHTER
0:15:21 > 0:15:26Ha ha! I'm sorry about that. Just... Just hang on.
0:15:26 > 0:15:30- Heads or tails? Heads it is - she loves me.- It's in my drink!
0:15:30 > 0:15:33Don't worry, I will get you a fresh glass.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35HE HUMS CHEERFULLY
0:15:39 > 0:15:41- It's still got a coin in it! - I will drink it!
0:15:45 > 0:15:47Ahhh!
0:15:47 > 0:15:49There we are. Clean as a whistle.
0:15:49 > 0:15:5050p, have one on me.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52# The girl that I marry will have to...#
0:15:52 > 0:15:55Thank you very much, Jean. £1.10, there we are.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58# ..Have to be as la-la-la... #
0:15:58 > 0:16:01- Gin and tonic, please.- 60p.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03LAUGHTER
0:16:03 > 0:16:06Drinking pints now, are we?
0:16:06 > 0:16:08Don't tell me, I know the signs.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11- Something female smiled at you, eh? - Ha ha!
0:16:11 > 0:16:14Which of the Ugly Sisters was it?
0:16:14 > 0:16:18Frank, I want you to know, this time I have landed the big one.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20Not the Wicked Stepmother?!
0:16:20 > 0:16:24No, no. Vanessa? Do you know Vanessa? Used to be with Zac.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26Now pretty heavily into me.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29Vanessa?
0:16:29 > 0:16:33- Short blond hair, blue eyes?- That's the one.- Oh, for heaven's sake!
0:16:33 > 0:16:36Do you know what that was at the bar?
0:16:36 > 0:16:40- Who?- Tiny Heseltine.- Well? - Well, that's her bloke, you twit!
0:16:40 > 0:16:43Was, Frank, was! Then she was with Zac.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45Now she's heavily into me, I told you.
0:16:45 > 0:16:50Hm, well, she may play the odd away match but Tiny is her regular.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52You remember Chris Stubbins?
0:16:52 > 0:16:56Last week, in this very bar, he just smiled at Vanessa -
0:16:56 > 0:17:00just smiled - Tiny took him outside and kneed him in the groin.
0:17:00 > 0:17:01Tsk!
0:17:01 > 0:17:02LAUGHTER
0:17:05 > 0:17:09That's why he's not playing Captain Hook this year, then.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12Captain Hook? He can barely manage Tinkerbell.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15She told me... She told me she was sick of all this macho stuff.
0:17:15 > 0:17:19Well, HE'S not! She goes around smiling at people,
0:17:19 > 0:17:21- she doesn't know Tiny crunches them afterwards.- Oooh!
0:17:21 > 0:17:24I think I'd better get back to sweeping up.
0:17:24 > 0:17:25Yeah, don't stay around here
0:17:25 > 0:17:27or you're never play the back legs of a horse again!
0:17:27 > 0:17:29- Oh, gosh!- Tim!
0:17:30 > 0:17:34- Hello, Tiny.- Who's Tim?- A friend.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36Gin and tonic, please.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39- Hello, Frank.- Oh, hello, Vanessa.
0:17:39 > 0:17:43- Where's Tim gone? - Um... Oh, he had to go.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45Called away.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47Well, he was here a second ago.
0:17:51 > 0:17:52LAUGHTER
0:17:54 > 0:17:55Feet!
0:17:59 > 0:18:00LAUGHTER
0:18:03 > 0:18:04Ha ha ha ha!
0:18:04 > 0:18:06Tim!
0:18:06 > 0:18:08- Ha ha!- What are you doing?
0:18:08 > 0:18:09# I'm so happy it's alarming... #
0:18:09 > 0:18:12I was rehearsing the song, to be honest. Ha ha!
0:18:12 > 0:18:14But the back legs of a horse don't sing anything.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17I was also looking after this very important prop, the umbrella.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20- What for?- Well, you see, when Cinderella is at the ball,
0:18:20 > 0:18:21I have to look after the coats.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23Ha ha! I'm a footman, really.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25A five-footman! Ha ha!
0:18:29 > 0:18:31This is Tiny. Tiny, Tim.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33LAUGHTER
0:18:36 > 0:18:38God bless us every one! Ha ha ha ha!
0:18:38 > 0:18:40There we are... Let me make some room for you...
0:18:40 > 0:18:42GLASS FALLS OVER Oh, dear!
0:18:42 > 0:18:45Sorry! Oh, dear! Mustn't spill anything over the knee.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48Not the famous knee! Ha ha!
0:18:48 > 0:18:50Ha ha...
0:18:50 > 0:18:53Plenty more Tinkerbells where THAT came from! Ha ha!
0:18:53 > 0:18:54What?!
0:18:54 > 0:18:58- What are you on about?- Do you know this bloke?- No, we don't.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00No, no, no. She doesn't, nor do I.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04- You messed up my drink.- Me? Are you sure it was me?
0:19:04 > 0:19:06It was some other fellow. There's somebody comes in very like me.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08Confuses us all, doesn't he? I'll see...
0:19:08 > 0:19:11No, he's not here at the moment, but I know who you mean.
0:19:11 > 0:19:12I know exactly who you mean.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15Yes, I know who you mean. It is he that admires Vanessa.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18Is something going on between you and him?
0:19:18 > 0:19:19SQUEAKY: Oh, good heavens, no!
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Oh, sorry, my voice has gone again. Ha ha!
0:19:21 > 0:19:25- I love the way you do that.- It wasn't that this time. It wasn't...
0:19:25 > 0:19:26No, no... Going on? Good heavens, no!
0:19:26 > 0:19:29The only thing going on at this table is between Frank and myself.
0:19:29 > 0:19:33- What?! Get off!- He's so coy! He's so coy when he's out. Ha ha!
0:19:33 > 0:19:37- There's something going on between you and her!- No, no. No!
0:19:37 > 0:19:41- She's not my type. Not remotely. Ha ha! Good heavens, no. Yuck!- What?!
0:19:41 > 0:19:44- Are you insulting my bird?- No, no! I think she's very, very nice.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46Oh! Very, very nice?!
0:19:46 > 0:19:48No, not that nice - you added a "very". Ha ha!
0:19:48 > 0:19:51I do think she is nice, though not attractive to me. And vice versa.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54And to be absolutely honest, I'm a little bit vice versa myself.
0:19:54 > 0:19:57I mean, not entirely, but just enough to be on the fence, you know.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59Totally out of the running, but there we are.
0:19:59 > 0:20:03Well, I must be off, Tinkerbell. Oh, sorry, kiss it better. Ha ha!
0:20:03 > 0:20:06To be honest, Tiny, the only person I really fancy round here is you.
0:20:06 > 0:20:10- What?!- In the nicest possible way, of course - platonically. From afar.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12Well, as far as possible, in fact! Ha ha!
0:20:12 > 0:20:16Good heavens, is that the time? It's quarter past Tinkerbell.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19I must be off. I'm on a sponsored mince.
0:20:19 > 0:20:20LAUGHTER
0:20:42 > 0:20:44Oi! Come back!
0:20:46 > 0:20:48You said it was valuable!
0:20:59 > 0:21:01DOOR CLOSES
0:21:01 > 0:21:03Hhhrrrmmmmph!
0:21:07 > 0:21:10- Ah, there it is! - HE CHUCKLES
0:21:10 > 0:21:14Mother sent me all the way back for this. Pity you're not there.
0:21:14 > 0:21:19Don't usually care for the golf club do. It's quite something this year.
0:21:19 > 0:21:23- Anyway, see you later.- Yes. HE CHUCKLES
0:21:23 > 0:21:25Chilly night...
0:21:25 > 0:21:28Nothing you want, I suppose? Everything all right?
0:21:28 > 0:21:31- Yes, yes, fine, Father. - Better get back, then, I suppose.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35- Er, Tim?- Yes, Father?
0:21:35 > 0:21:39Everything ticketyboo?
0:21:39 > 0:21:43Yes, Father! Well, you know, tickety! Ha ha!
0:21:43 > 0:21:47- Perhaps not totally boo!- Ha ha! Thought not. Missed your tea!
0:21:47 > 0:21:50- Sorry, Father? - Not good enough, Timothy.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52HE MUMBLES Sorry...
0:21:52 > 0:21:54TIM LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
0:21:54 > 0:21:58Are you in trouble? Some sort of... With a...
0:22:00 > 0:22:01With a sort...
0:22:01 > 0:22:05Sorry? With a what? With a girl?
0:22:05 > 0:22:08Spotted it! Spotted it at once.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10If you ever are in trouble with that sort of thing,
0:22:10 > 0:22:12- you know where to come. - Thank you, Father.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14Straight to your mother.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16Do you remember...
0:22:16 > 0:22:19You remember all these years ago when you took me aside
0:22:19 > 0:22:22and told me all about the, um... All about the...
0:22:22 > 0:22:26- Sex?- No, no. No, no, the other thing.- Oh, tipping?
0:22:26 > 0:22:30No! No! No, not tipping.
0:22:30 > 0:22:31No, life!
0:22:31 > 0:22:34Life in general. Do you remember you...
0:22:34 > 0:22:38You never, ever mentioned the eternal triangle, you know.
0:22:38 > 0:22:42You never mentioned one girl and two fellas.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45- Ah! And you're one of the fellas? - Right!
0:22:45 > 0:22:48THEY CHUCKLE Well, I'm not the girl!
0:22:48 > 0:22:49LAUGHTER
0:22:49 > 0:22:52Well...I'm ashamed of myself.
0:22:52 > 0:22:56Because... the other fella turned up...
0:22:57 > 0:23:02- ..and I ran away.- Only the brave deserve the fair, Timmy.
0:23:02 > 0:23:04Yes, but the brave are bigger than me!
0:23:04 > 0:23:06You remember at school all those years ago,
0:23:06 > 0:23:09do you remember Titch Thomas?
0:23:09 > 0:23:10Do you remember Titch Thomas?
0:23:10 > 0:23:13Drew all over me with his biro.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15But that was years ago!
0:23:15 > 0:23:17- You were in the sixth form.- Right!
0:23:17 > 0:23:20And he was in the first form. Do you remember that?
0:23:20 > 0:23:23- Got to stand up for yourself, Timothy.- What, and get knocked down?
0:23:23 > 0:23:26Well, getting knocked down is not such a bad idea.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29- Can be turned to advantage. - Really? How?
0:23:29 > 0:23:32- Did I ever tell you about Major Purefoy?- No.
0:23:32 > 0:23:36Very big family, the Purefoys. His sister was enormous.
0:23:36 > 0:23:40- Purefoy took rather a shine to your mother.- Really?!
0:23:40 > 0:23:43And so did I! Well, it stands to reason.
0:23:43 > 0:23:47So I went to Purefoy and I said, "Look here, it's either you or me."
0:23:47 > 0:23:49Purefoy said, "That's right, Lumsden,
0:23:49 > 0:23:52- "what are you going to do about it?" - And you said, "Let's fight for it."
0:23:52 > 0:23:55No, I said, "Let's spin a coin."
0:23:55 > 0:23:58- B-But don't tell your mother! - Goodness me!
0:23:58 > 0:24:01- You tossed for mother and you lost? Goodness!- Timmy!
0:24:01 > 0:24:04Well, I... Sorry, Father, sorry.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07Well, if I had lost, Purefoy would have married your mother,
0:24:07 > 0:24:11you'd be six-foot tall with a ginger beard and dodgy teeth.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13No, I won.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16- That wasn't good enough for Purefoy. He came at me with a brick.- Oh!
0:24:16 > 0:24:20- That was his big mistake!- Ha ha! You let him have what for!
0:24:20 > 0:24:24- No, he practically killed me! - Ha ha ha!
0:24:24 > 0:24:27But there's one thing that a woman can never resist.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30That's a man who's been beaten to a pulp.
0:24:30 > 0:24:34And pretty soon it was wedding bells for me and my pretty nurse.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37- Pretty nurse? Who was that? - Your mother, of course!
0:24:37 > 0:24:42- Sorry.- Never back off, Timothy, when there's a chance of being flattened.
0:24:42 > 0:24:47Goodness me! What, you mean you get thumped and you get the girl?
0:24:47 > 0:24:49Hole-in-one.
0:24:49 > 0:24:54- You lose and you win! - Lose the battle, win the war!- Oh!
0:24:54 > 0:24:56Well, I'm going to get knocked about, then.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59No more running away. I'm going to face the music.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02I'm going to go straight up to this fella and I'm going to say,
0:25:02 > 0:25:07"Hey, there, Tiny, get your hands off the woman I love, chummy..."
0:25:07 > 0:25:10Ha ha! And he'll spread me right up the wall!
0:25:10 > 0:25:12THEY LAUGH
0:25:15 > 0:25:19I'll go and get my dinner jacket. Ha ha! I can't wait!
0:25:19 > 0:25:21THEY LAUGH
0:25:23 > 0:25:26DANCE BAND PLAYS
0:25:28 > 0:25:30- Excuse me.- It's not an excuse me.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33No, I don't mean excuse me, I want to dance, I mean excuse me,
0:25:33 > 0:25:35you're not a person that I like.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37- So what?- I'm being serious!
0:25:37 > 0:25:40- Shove off!- Go away, Timothy.- Sorry.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42Excuse me, I've got a job to do here.
0:25:42 > 0:25:47- Tiny, please note, I am smiling at Vanessa.- Will you get out of here?
0:25:47 > 0:25:49Keep your voice down! You don't want to upset the committee.
0:25:49 > 0:25:53And please take your hands off the woman I love.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55- I'm going to sort him out.- Ah, good!
0:25:55 > 0:25:57We finally got it through his thick skull.
0:25:57 > 0:25:58Come on, then, let's have you!
0:25:58 > 0:26:01- We'll go in there.- Timothy, what do you think you're doing?
0:26:01 > 0:26:04- I know what I'm doing. Please, this way, thank you.- Stay here.
0:26:04 > 0:26:07- You can come in a minute, it'll all be over by then.- Yes, it will.
0:26:07 > 0:26:11Tiny...don't hurt him.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14- This'll do.- Right, where would you...where would you like me?
0:26:14 > 0:26:17Take my jacket off. Oh, no, mothballs! Ha ha!
0:26:17 > 0:26:18Right...
0:26:18 > 0:26:21Well, what are you going to... You know...
0:26:21 > 0:26:24- Which side do you want, my right or...- What is all this?
0:26:24 > 0:26:27Am I giving you a going over or are you posing for pictures?
0:26:27 > 0:26:29- Come on, come on! - Timothy? What's going on?
0:26:29 > 0:26:32Oh, Mother, please keep out of this! This is private business.
0:26:32 > 0:26:36- There's going to be a rumble!- Well, you should chew your food properly!
0:26:36 > 0:26:38- LAUGHTER - Your hair!- Please leave me alone!
0:26:38 > 0:26:41- You'd better leave, he's not going to be a pretty sight.- What?
0:26:41 > 0:26:44- We should let them get on. Man's business.- Be quiet, Sidney!
0:26:44 > 0:26:45Oh, fair enough.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48- Well, get rid of this lot, then. - No-one's getting rid of ME!
0:26:48 > 0:26:50Mother, please go!
0:26:50 > 0:26:54Well, if you will not go, there's nothing else for it but...
0:26:54 > 0:26:57- You see that delicious buffet over there?- Yes.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59I'm going to chuck you right into the middle of it!
0:26:59 > 0:27:00Wonderful! Excellent!
0:27:00 > 0:27:03- You'll do no such thing! - Mother, please keep out of this!
0:27:03 > 0:27:06- I know what I'm doing.- Don't answer back!- I didn't!- Language, Timothy!
0:27:06 > 0:27:08One, two, three!
0:27:11 > 0:27:12Tim?
0:27:12 > 0:27:15- Tim, are you all right? - No, not very.- Tiny!
0:27:15 > 0:27:18Oh, what have you done to him, you brute?
0:27:18 > 0:27:21It wasn't me!
0:27:21 > 0:27:23I didn't do it! It was Mother!
0:27:23 > 0:27:27- Oh...- Not too good, Timothy. You're supposed to be the one on the floor.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30I know! I know! I know!
0:27:30 > 0:27:34Mother, you've ruined my whole life again.
0:27:34 > 0:27:37- You bully! You horrible bully! - No, I'm not! Please!
0:27:40 > 0:27:46- Ooh!- Don't be such a coward! - Well, it hurt, Mother!
0:27:46 > 0:27:48Well, if you will throw yourself
0:27:48 > 0:27:51onto a whole forest of sausages on sticks.
0:27:51 > 0:27:52LAUGHTER
0:27:52 > 0:27:54I didn't throw myself, Mother.
0:27:54 > 0:27:59- Ohh!- Why you run after that type of girl I shall never understand.
0:27:59 > 0:28:02I don't suppose she's got anything put aside.
0:28:02 > 0:28:06She certainly hasn't spent much on underwear!
0:28:06 > 0:28:08No, Mother. HE WINCES
0:28:08 > 0:28:12Uncle Biffo took that dinner jacket round India twice
0:28:12 > 0:28:15and HE never got it covered in trifle.
0:28:15 > 0:28:19- Buttons, that's what I am, Mother. - What?- Buttons.
0:28:19 > 0:28:21I thought I was Cinderella but I turned out to be Buttons.
0:28:21 > 0:28:25- Or even the pumpkin. - Tsk! Don't be so silly.
0:28:25 > 0:28:27Oh, Timmy, there you are.
0:28:27 > 0:28:30- It worked, then?- Sorry, Father? - Getting flattened.
0:28:30 > 0:28:33Your mother's all over you, just like she was with me.
0:28:33 > 0:28:34LAUGHTER
0:28:36 > 0:28:38Thank you, Father. HE WINCES