0:00:56 > 0:01:01LAUGHTER
0:01:09 > 0:01:15LAUGHTER
0:01:18 > 0:01:21Sorry. I'm not drunk. It's... You can breathalyse me, if you like.
0:01:21 > 0:01:25The tax disc is all up-to-date. You'll see the... Oh, sorry.
0:01:25 > 0:01:28No, it's on its way back from Swansea.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30Probably taking the pretty route.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32Like a Spangle?
0:01:32 > 0:01:34What are you doing, sir?
0:01:34 > 0:01:35Doing? Sorry, what?
0:01:35 > 0:01:37With the plastic bags.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40Oh... Oh, I've been er, I was doing a little bit of a workout.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42A bit of weightlifting.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44A bit of bodybuilding.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47- Bodybuilder, are we, sir? - Er, bodybuilder, yes.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51Got a long way to go, haven't we, sir?
0:01:51 > 0:01:54Hah! Yes! Ha - yes! Very good, yes!
0:01:54 > 0:01:57Well, I'd better be going home now. I've got some more press-ups to do.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59Ten minutes punching the old bag.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02- She loves it, you know!- Don't try chucking your bags here again, sir.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04Er, me?
0:02:04 > 0:02:06While the strike is on, kindly retain your rubbish.
0:02:06 > 0:02:10These bags could constitute provocation for the pickets.
0:02:10 > 0:02:14- You just take them home, where they belong.- Home? Mother will go barmy.
0:02:14 > 0:02:18- And those. If you don't mind. - Oh, no. Those aren't mine.
0:02:18 > 0:02:22Mine are the black ones. I mean, those are pink ones.
0:02:22 > 0:02:26- I mean, do I look the sort of chap who'd have pink rubbish bags?- Yes.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29Oh. Fair enough.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38LAUGHTER
0:02:40 > 0:02:42Dah, dah!
0:02:45 > 0:02:46There you are, Timmy.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51LAUGHTER
0:02:51 > 0:02:55- You've been a long time.- Er, I er...
0:02:59 > 0:03:03- I had to put your porridge in the oven, to keep it hot.- Oh.
0:03:03 > 0:03:07- Did you get rid of the rubbish? - Yes, yes, Mum, yes. Yes.
0:03:07 > 0:03:12Straight down the council tip, over the wall. No problem, at all.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17- Are you sure?- Well, of course I'm sure. Why do you...
0:03:17 > 0:03:20- What you mean, am I sure? Of course I am.- Well, that's funny.
0:03:20 > 0:03:24That's the tone of voice you use when you're fibbing.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28Fibbing? Me, fibbing?
0:03:28 > 0:03:30I haven't fibbed, Mother,
0:03:30 > 0:03:33since the day you bought me my first pair of long trousers.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35Well, that's a lie for a start.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38I didn't buy you your first pair of long trousers.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41I lengthened a pair of your father's shorts.
0:03:41 > 0:03:45LAUGHTER
0:03:47 > 0:03:49- Thank you, Mother.- Thank you.
0:03:49 > 0:03:53Should we open the windows, so the neighbours can hear?
0:03:53 > 0:03:56- They know that old story. - Oh, do they? Oh, good.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58I wonder if they're up-to-date on my bowels.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01I wonder if they know about that?
0:04:01 > 0:04:02I wonder about that.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05I was thinking we ought to buy a flagstaff and run messages up it.
0:04:05 > 0:04:09"Mother, this day, hopes that Timmy will, this morning, do his duty."
0:04:09 > 0:04:13I'm not listening. You're very full of yourself,
0:04:13 > 0:04:15for someone who's wasted a lot of time this morning with
0:04:15 > 0:04:18the rubbish - the strike's been called off.
0:04:18 > 0:04:22- I heard it on the wireless.- Oh, no!
0:04:22 > 0:04:25Oh, I've missed my Saturday morning lie-in.
0:04:25 > 0:04:29I was going to read last Sunday's papers.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31I was going to trim my eyebrows, as a matter of fact.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34Now, are we washing our hands?
0:04:38 > 0:04:40Well, I can't speak for you, Mother,
0:04:40 > 0:04:45but I can't reach the sink from here, I must be honest.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47- Sarky!- M'hm.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50Porridge.
0:04:52 > 0:04:56LAUGHTER
0:04:57 > 0:04:59I can't eat this, Mother. It's gone stiff.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08It's dead. It's absolutely dead.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11I think it's got rigor mortis.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13Don't be so finicky.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15I'll cut it into soldiers.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19Soldiers, Mother? You can't...
0:05:21 > 0:05:25You can't cut porridge into soldiers. Oh, Mum.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28Why is your food always so tough?
0:05:28 > 0:05:32- Don't exaggerate. - I'm not exaggerating.
0:05:32 > 0:05:36Father broke his tooth on your custard!
0:05:36 > 0:05:38You always say you like soldiers.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41Well, I used to like soldiers, Mother.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44I used to like eggy-peggy on bread and buppy, too.
0:05:44 > 0:05:48- Don't be so childish. - Oh, Mother. Oh, I give up. Mother, I'll tell you what I'll have.
0:05:48 > 0:05:53I'll have a nice cup of coffee, if that's possible. Preferably, not cut into soldiers.
0:05:53 > 0:05:54Oh!
0:05:54 > 0:05:57Let's see who's won the Premium Bonds this week. Where are we?
0:05:57 > 0:06:03Oh, here we are. Oh! This week's winner lives in North Shields.
0:06:03 > 0:06:04Not for long!
0:06:05 > 0:06:07All that money!
0:06:07 > 0:06:10Soon be winging his way to South Shields!
0:06:10 > 0:06:13You haven't got time to read the paper. You've forgotten.
0:06:13 > 0:06:17- Gavin is coming this morning. - Gavin who?- Your godson.
0:06:17 > 0:06:21- You're supposed to be taking him to play football.- Oh, no!
0:06:21 > 0:06:24Why me, Mother? Every weekend, I don't have a weekend.
0:06:24 > 0:06:28I don't want to go and watch schoolboys playing five-a-side.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30Other people are out on the Solent in wetsuits.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34Windsurfers, doing it standing up.
0:06:35 > 0:06:39- Less of the smut, please, Timothy. - Sorry, Mother.
0:06:39 > 0:06:43After all, Gavin is your godson and you two have got a lot in common.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45Like what, Mother?
0:06:45 > 0:06:47Well, Gavin is being bullied at school
0:06:47 > 0:06:49and who knows more about being bullied than you do?
0:06:49 > 0:06:52- Yes, except in my case, it isn't at school.- Timothy!
0:06:52 > 0:06:54Sorry, Mother, but it is true...
0:06:54 > 0:06:57COUGHING
0:06:57 > 0:07:01- Can you pass me the matches, Phyllis? - Don't come in here, in those boots.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03They're still on the mat, dear.
0:07:03 > 0:07:08Oh, there you are, Timothy. All plain sailing with the rubbish?
0:07:08 > 0:07:12- Yes, thank you. No problem, at all.- Ah, pity.- Pity?
0:07:12 > 0:07:15Remember those green Argyle socks of mine, or sock, rather?
0:07:16 > 0:07:18- BOTH:- Yes.
0:07:18 > 0:07:22Well, I had that odd sock sitting in my drawer for seven years.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24This week, I said to myself, "Out!"
0:07:24 > 0:07:26I put it in the dustbin - blow me tight! -
0:07:26 > 0:07:29there was the other one in the old peg basket.
0:07:29 > 0:07:33Nobody loses socks on my side of the family.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35- You may as well throw it away now.- Certainly not.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38I don't want to be caught out the same way twice!
0:07:40 > 0:07:42- Pity, though. You could have brought the rubbish back, Timothy?- Eh?
0:07:42 > 0:07:46Well, funny thing, it looks like you were wasting your time this morning.
0:07:46 > 0:07:47I think the dustmen's strike is over.
0:07:47 > 0:07:51HE COUGHS
0:07:51 > 0:07:54If you're going to cough, go into the shed.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57Thank you, Florence Nightingale!
0:07:57 > 0:07:59Language, Timothy! Sorry, Father.
0:07:59 > 0:08:04What's more, I can hear the dustmen coming up the road and now we've got nothing for them!
0:08:04 > 0:08:07- Oh, go and play with your bonfire!- Fair enough!
0:08:09 > 0:08:15So, the dustmen have deigned to honour us with a collection.
0:08:15 > 0:08:19Well, I am going to give them a piece of my mind.
0:08:19 > 0:08:23I gave them a Christmas box, a very generous Christmas box,
0:08:23 > 0:08:26and we haven't seen hide nor hair of them for two months.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29Nor has anyone, Mother. Nor has anyone. They have been on strike.
0:08:29 > 0:08:30That is irrelevant.
0:08:30 > 0:08:35What is a Christmas box for, except to secure personal attention.
0:08:35 > 0:08:39- I'm going to put them properly... - No, Mother. Leave it to me. I will speak to them.- You?
0:08:39 > 0:08:42No, please, Mother. After all, after all, I am the man of the house.
0:08:42 > 0:08:43No, you're not.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46Well, there is Father, but let's be realistic. Now...
0:08:46 > 0:08:48I will speak to them...
0:08:48 > 0:08:49You speak to them?
0:08:49 > 0:08:53You'll just be jumping up and down, slobbering over them, like a puppy.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56Mother, if you speak to them, they'll never come back.
0:08:56 > 0:09:01- Timmy, I know how to deal with servants.- Servants?
0:09:01 > 0:09:04They're not servants, Mother. I mean, these dustmen don't kowtow to anyone.
0:09:04 > 0:09:09Since when have you seen a lot of dustmen touching their forelocks?
0:09:09 > 0:09:11Timothy, don't be disgusting.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13I am not being disgusting, Mother.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16All I am saying is, they don't have forelocks these days.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18Really?
0:09:18 > 0:09:22Times have changed, Mother. I will deal with the matter.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25Yes, well, just so long as you give them a thorough dressing down.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28- You leave it to me, Mother. - A proper wigging, mind.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30Consider them wigged.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35Ah, there you are, my man.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38- I'm going to give you a piece of my mind.- Why?
0:09:38 > 0:09:41I've taken just as much as I intend to take.
0:09:41 > 0:09:42You all right?
0:09:42 > 0:09:46LAUGHTER
0:09:46 > 0:09:50Sorry, yes. I'm all right. Yes. Just going through the motions for Mother.
0:09:50 > 0:09:55- Eh?- Just pretend. A bit of an argy-bargy, anyway. Welcome back.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58- Nice to see you.- Ta.
0:09:58 > 0:09:59Now, it's a bit of a long story,
0:09:59 > 0:10:03only the rubbish is all in the car out front.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05And I'd like you to clear it out for me. It's not locked.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07Just the five bags.
0:10:07 > 0:10:11Bags? No, I'm sorry, sir. I can't help you there.
0:10:11 > 0:10:16- What?- If I may clarify. We're back at work to clear the bins.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18As per usual.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21Yes, yes, yes. Yes, I know that.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23No settlement has been reached as yet
0:10:23 > 0:10:25vis-a-vis the enormous backlog,
0:10:25 > 0:10:29i.e. the enormous piles of plastic bags everywhere.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32Ah. Well, suppose I put the plastic bags in the bins.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37A bag is a bag is a bag.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39More than my job's worth to so much as touch a bag.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44Of course, if my job was made worth a bit more...
0:10:46 > 0:10:49Oh, oh! Say no more.
0:10:51 > 0:10:55Enough said, man of the world. Nod's as good as a wink to a blind dog.
0:10:55 > 0:10:56A word to the wise!
0:10:58 > 0:11:00Now, will this make any difference?
0:11:00 > 0:11:02Not a lot. There's seven of us.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04LAUGHTER
0:11:04 > 0:11:05Oh. Typical.
0:11:05 > 0:11:09- What divides by seven?- Seven quid.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12True. True! There we are. That's it.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15Now, remember, the rubbish is all in the car.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17What's happening? Timothy?
0:11:17 > 0:11:19Why is there a deathly silence out here?
0:11:19 > 0:11:24Silence? Silence? There hasn't been much of that, has there, my man?
0:11:24 > 0:11:25Er, no, sir.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28I'm sorry. I won't let it happen again.
0:11:28 > 0:11:32- You're the governor, after all. - There we are. There's a good fellow. Now be on your way.
0:11:32 > 0:11:36- Remember what I said.- Righty. Certainly, squire. Excuse me, ma'am.
0:11:38 > 0:11:39What happened to him?
0:11:39 > 0:11:44I told him off, Mother. Got it hot and strong in words of one syllable.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46Or more.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49Well, I think I'll just see him off the premises.
0:11:49 > 0:11:53- I don't want him taking it out on the narcissi.- But Mother! Oh!
0:11:56 > 0:12:01- Can I help you? Leave that car alone!- Mother, let them carry on. They know what they're doing.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03What are those bags of rubbish doing in the car?
0:12:03 > 0:12:05- Have people been dumping rubbish here?- Yes, that's it.
0:12:05 > 0:12:09- That's probably what happened. Somebody's...- This is disgraceful. I hold you men responsible.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12Look, lady. I'm just doing a favour here. Sorry, mate.
0:12:12 > 0:12:16- We don't want any favours from you, thank you.- Right, madam. Bye.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19What about... What about...?
0:12:19 > 0:12:21Timothy!
0:12:21 > 0:12:24This is our rubbish. That's Tuesday's haddock.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26I thought I'd told you to finish that up.
0:12:26 > 0:12:29And there's that bread and butter pudding!
0:12:29 > 0:12:30You said you'd got rid of all this rubbish!
0:12:30 > 0:12:33Well, I would have done, if you hadn't kept interrupting.
0:12:33 > 0:12:37- You told me you took it down to the dump.- I did. I did. But I brought it back.
0:12:37 > 0:12:41- So you were fibbing!- Yes, I was fibbing.- Those pink ones aren't ours.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43No... I was given them.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46Do you mean to say you were taking in other people's rubbish?
0:12:46 > 0:12:49Well, it's your fault, Mother. I mean, you're such a bully.
0:12:49 > 0:12:53- I did the best I could. I even paid them.- Do you mean you bought that rubbish?
0:12:53 > 0:12:56- Get into the house!- Ssh, Mother!
0:12:56 > 0:12:58- The neighbour!- You're a silly, irresponsible boy.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01Go into the house, go upstairs and go straight to bed.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26KNOCK ON DOOR
0:13:26 > 0:13:28Uncle Tim?
0:13:28 > 0:13:33Oh, oh! Gavin! Oh, thank goodness.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35Thought it was Mother.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38Oh, dear. Just been having a bit of a read.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43Catching up on last Sunday's papers. Oh, dear.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45I spilt the Smarties!
0:13:45 > 0:13:47LAUGHTER
0:13:47 > 0:13:49Oh!
0:13:49 > 0:13:51Bit fluffy. Would you like one?
0:13:52 > 0:13:55Trouble is, they, sort of, melt on the hot water bottle!
0:13:55 > 0:13:57You got sent to bed, then?
0:13:58 > 0:14:00What, what? Me? Sent to bed?
0:14:00 > 0:14:02Auntie Phee said she sent you to bed.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05HE GUFFAWS
0:14:05 > 0:14:10Sent to bed? Me? Dear, that is a laugh!
0:14:10 > 0:14:12Gosh, she's got delusions of grandeur.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16No, I wanted a lie-in.
0:14:19 > 0:14:20I swung it.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25Got myself sent to bed, you know!
0:14:25 > 0:14:28Smarter than the average bear, Boo-Boo!
0:14:28 > 0:14:29Eh?
0:14:29 > 0:14:34No, I was just, you know, I was just really knackered. You know - wooh!
0:14:34 > 0:14:36Absolutely bushed.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38So I just thought I'd crash the dirty swede...
0:14:38 > 0:14:41The what?
0:14:41 > 0:14:43Oh, anyway. Why don't you sit down?
0:14:43 > 0:14:45Oh, dear.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48- Ah, how are you, then, all right? - All right.
0:14:48 > 0:14:49Good. Good, good. Excellent.
0:14:51 > 0:14:57- No... No trouble at school?- No. - Oh, good. Good, good. Excellent.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59Oh, good.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02- Not of any kind?- No.- No. Good.
0:15:04 > 0:15:07Not even the bullying kind?
0:15:07 > 0:15:10- Oh, well. Ah, well. - I thought it. Got it in one.
0:15:10 > 0:15:11The old knows, you know.
0:15:11 > 0:15:16Sort of a gut feeling I had just when you want, "Ah, well," I could just tell.
0:15:16 > 0:15:20- Come on, then. Tell me all about it. - Do you use bubblegum?
0:15:20 > 0:15:22- Er, what for?- You chew it.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24Oh, yes, I chew it. Yes, I do. Yes, you would chew it.
0:15:24 > 0:15:28Er, oh, sorry, yes, indeed! I will join you in a bubble.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32BUBBLE BURSTS Ooh, sorry, what?
0:15:36 > 0:15:37Oh! Hah! Very good!
0:15:37 > 0:15:39Very good.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42Very good. Very good, that was. Yes.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45- So, tell me. You're being bullied? - Yeah, all the time.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48Well, you mustn't worry. It happened to me, as well. Oh, yes, yes.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50I used to be bullied.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52They used to put me on top of the door,
0:15:52 > 0:15:54and when Mr Pott came in, I'd fall on his head.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57LAUGHTER
0:15:57 > 0:16:00Sounds like something out of the Beano!
0:16:00 > 0:16:03- It's more sociological now.- Is it?
0:16:03 > 0:16:07Sorry, what do you mean? I don't...
0:16:07 > 0:16:09- Yes, now. Yes?- Well.
0:16:09 > 0:16:10- In any society...- M'hm.
0:16:10 > 0:16:15..there will be misfits who need to express their sense of inferiority...
0:16:15 > 0:16:17- Mm-hm.- ..by beating everyone in.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. I see. Yes, yes. So far, yes. M'hm, m'hm.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25And Dougie Bullford does it to me.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29- Often?- Whenever he can fit me in.
0:16:29 > 0:16:32Well, I mean, this is terrible. Gavin, I mean, this must stop.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34I do his compositions for him.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37Last week, he got a lousy mark, and on Monday, he's going to beat me in.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40What? Just like that?
0:16:40 > 0:16:43- That's what usually happens. - Usually?! I mean, Gavin!
0:16:43 > 0:16:46There comes a time in every man's life, when he must stand up
0:16:46 > 0:16:48and be counted!
0:16:48 > 0:16:52It's all right for you. You can stand up and still not get counted.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54Please.
0:16:54 > 0:16:55Please. Now, please...
0:16:55 > 0:16:57There's a time and a place.
0:16:57 > 0:17:01Listen, tell me, have you spoken to your form master about this boy?
0:17:01 > 0:17:04My form master?! Shagger Beasley?!
0:17:04 > 0:17:07He does Duggie's French for him!
0:17:09 > 0:17:12Well, perhaps I'd better speak to the boy or, even better,
0:17:12 > 0:17:13speak to his father.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16No, no. You don't speak to the Bullfords. Grow up, Uncle Tim!
0:17:16 > 0:17:19I am growing up. Don't keep saying that! I am growing up!
0:17:19 > 0:17:21I am grown up! I am grown up!
0:17:21 > 0:17:23I will speak to Bullford Senior, man to man.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26- Well, I don't want to be rude, only...- No, come on.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29What are you going to say? Come on, please come out with it.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31Well, I don't think a fella that gets sent to bed by his mother's
0:17:31 > 0:17:35going to make much of a dent on Duggie Bullford's old man!
0:17:35 > 0:17:36Sent to bed by his mother?!
0:17:36 > 0:17:39Even if I was, it would be the first and last time!
0:17:39 > 0:17:41Now, tell me, where do the Bullfords live?
0:17:41 > 0:17:44Well, if you've made up your mind, actually,
0:17:44 > 0:17:46I'm playing football with Duggie down the sports centre
0:17:46 > 0:17:49- and his dad does weight training at the same time.- Right, that is it.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52We go down to the sports centre for a quiet,
0:17:52 > 0:17:56reasonable word with Bullford Senior. That is obviously the...
0:17:57 > 0:18:01Mother, don't you knock? I mean... I mean...
0:18:01 > 0:18:03This is, after all, a man's room.
0:18:06 > 0:18:07I could have been undressed.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12Don't be silly. I've powdered your little things lots of times.
0:18:16 > 0:18:17Now...
0:18:17 > 0:18:20I want that rubbish moved.
0:18:20 > 0:18:24- Mother, Gavin and I have very important business...- Nonsense.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27You walked away and you left those five sacks in the drive.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29Now there are 13. Somebody's left eight more.
0:18:29 > 0:18:33- What?- You leave sacks anywhere, people think it's a dump.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35They've got to be moved!
0:18:35 > 0:18:37Oh, Mother! Why me? Why always...? Mother!
0:18:37 > 0:18:40Here is a list of the times you have let me
0:18:40 > 0:18:42do what I wanted to do uninterrupted.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45GAVIN CHUCKLES
0:18:45 > 0:18:47It's blank. Don't laugh, Gavin!
0:18:47 > 0:18:50All right, Mother. Don't laugh, Gavin, please, when you're told.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52Now, look, Mother, I will remove the rubbish,
0:18:52 > 0:18:56- but first we must go down with Gavin to the...- And move the rubbish.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59- AND move the rubbish.- AND take your father and I to the high street.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01AND give you a lift. Yes.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04- Timmy, I wish you wouldn't shout. - Why not, Mother?
0:19:04 > 0:19:07- Why don't you want me to shout? - Because you've been scoffing
0:19:07 > 0:19:10Smarties and your tongue's the wrong colour.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18Whatever will the neighbours think?
0:19:18 > 0:19:22After all the care and attention you've had, you've grown up
0:19:22 > 0:19:26into the sort of person that can't even dispose of 13 bags of rubbish.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29The tip was closed, Mother! Anywhere you leave a sack becomes a dump.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32I refuse to be antisocial.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34They're in the logical place.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36Everyone will think we're mad!
0:19:42 > 0:19:47- Can't you drive any faster? - There's a lot of rubbish on the roof.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49Plus what's inside. GAVIN CHUCKLES
0:19:49 > 0:19:51Don't encourage him, Gavin.
0:19:51 > 0:19:55- Be careful of the corner! The road's up.- All right, certainly, Mother.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57Why don't I have the wheel? You lean over and you can steer!
0:19:57 > 0:19:59- Sarcasm, Timothy.- Sorry, Father.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02HORN BEEPS
0:20:02 > 0:20:06- Sorry.- That car pulled right in front of you.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08Draw up alongside him at the corner.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17Excuse me.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20Have you passed your driving test?
0:20:20 > 0:20:22Say that again.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24Steady on, Phyllis, for God's sake.
0:20:24 > 0:20:28- I said, have you passed your driving test?- Who are you?
0:20:28 > 0:20:30Never mind who I am.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32(It's Duggie Bullford and his dad!)
0:20:32 > 0:20:36- What?!- The point is, you are a road hog.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38I'm not impressed by your big car.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41I also notice that it needs a good clean.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47(Timothy, get moving.)
0:20:47 > 0:20:51Timothy, I haven't finished speaking to the man.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54And three fingers to you too!
0:21:00 > 0:21:02- My God! They're after us!- Oh, no!
0:21:02 > 0:21:07- Get off the floor, Gavin!- Faster, Timothy!- I'm trying! I'm trying!
0:21:07 > 0:21:10- Well, take the handbrake off! - That makes no difference!
0:21:10 > 0:21:13- Turn left!- Right, Father. - No, left!- Hold on, everyone!
0:21:17 > 0:21:20HORN BEEPS
0:21:37 > 0:21:39All over me motor.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42Sacks of it, right in the middle of the road.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45- Bloody hooligans! If I got my hands on them, I'd...- Excuse me.
0:21:45 > 0:21:50- What?- Now, you don't know me... You don't know me, do you?- No.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52Oh, good. Might I buy you a cup of tea?
0:21:52 > 0:21:54We're just going down the gym, aren't we?
0:21:54 > 0:21:58Well, if I could have a word in your shell like ear... Cauliflower-like...
0:21:58 > 0:22:00Sorry, that was a little... Um...
0:22:00 > 0:22:03Only it is um...Business.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05Business, eh?
0:22:05 > 0:22:06- I'll see you, Bill.- Right.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10See you, Bill.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12- So, what's all this about? - Might we step in...
0:22:12 > 0:22:14- You in the scrap metal game, are you?- No.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17I do collect milk bottle tops.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19To replace the lead on the church roof.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24Ah, two teas, please.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26Come up here for it.
0:22:26 > 0:22:27Oh.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29Perhaps not.
0:22:31 > 0:22:32You're not a copper, are you?
0:22:32 > 0:22:34A copper?
0:22:34 > 0:22:37No, no. Funny, that's been said before.
0:22:37 > 0:22:42No, I am here um... In my capacity um...
0:22:42 > 0:22:45In the capacity of um...
0:22:45 > 0:22:46A godfather.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48Godfather?
0:22:48 > 0:22:49I mean, not THE Godfather.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52You know, a godfather. Not THE Godfather.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54Though, I suppose I could be Godfather Part One.
0:22:54 > 0:22:58So, I'm going to make you an offer you can refuse, you know,
0:22:58 > 0:23:01- if you want to. I mean... - What are you talking about?
0:23:01 > 0:23:03Well, I'll tell you what I'm talking about.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06Um... Your son...
0:23:06 > 0:23:08Your son, Douglas...
0:23:08 > 0:23:10Oh, Duggie?
0:23:10 > 0:23:13Duggie. Duggie, yes. Well... Duggie...
0:23:13 > 0:23:16Yes. Well, Duggie is at school with my godson, Gavin.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21- Gavin.- So?
0:23:21 > 0:23:24Well, they're every good friends, actually. Getting on very well.
0:23:24 > 0:23:25Very, very well, indeed.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28They're really...
0:23:28 > 0:23:31Very, very close. Very, very close, Duggie and Gavie.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34- The only thing is, there is... - Yeah, just a minute...- Yes, yes.
0:23:34 > 0:23:38- Your Gavie hasn't been having a go at my Duggie, has he?- No! No, no.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40As a matter of fact, the boot is on the other foot.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43Or the boot is in the other ear, as it were.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45- Just listen here. Duggie...- Yes.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48- ..is a very highly-strung, sensitive boy.- Mm.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50- He writes a lovely composition.- Mm.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53So, let's hear no more about the boot.
0:23:53 > 0:23:58Absolutely. Absolutely. No more about the boot. No, absolutely.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03The only thing is, I am told that his self-defence does occasionally
0:24:03 > 0:24:05lean just, you know...
0:24:07 > 0:24:10You know, lean towards attack.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13- Look, Duggie can be violent. - Mm.- I grant you that.- Mm-hm.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15But never unintentionally.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18- Oh... Good. I am pleased. Good. - What I've done...- Yes.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21- What I've done is, I've taught him all the martial arts.- Yes.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24- Here, I'll show you. - Oops, sorry. Yes, yes.
0:24:24 > 0:24:27- Say you was coming at me...- Yes, I am not, of course. And I wouldn't.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30- I know you wouldn't. Say you was just coming at me...- Yes, yes.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33- What I've taught Duggie to do...- Yes.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36- ..is to take the wrist... - Oh, I see. Yes. Oh! Ooh! Oh!
0:24:36 > 0:24:40- See?- Yes. Something's cracking just at the top here.
0:24:40 > 0:24:41- You see? You're powerless.- Yes, yes.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44You know? I showed his headmaster this.
0:24:44 > 0:24:47- He saw my point and Duggie's been doing much better ever since.- Oh.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49My head's going to sleep. Could you mind just...
0:24:49 > 0:24:50Well, that's the pressure.
0:24:50 > 0:24:54- Oh, yes.- That's the pressure, here. - Timothy, leave that man alone.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57- It's that dreadful man! - It's that old crone!
0:24:57 > 0:24:59- Do you mind? You're speaking to my mother!- Mother?!
0:24:59 > 0:25:02- Is that your mother?! - No, not MY mother. A mother.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05Any mother, you know? Any stray mother in a car.
0:25:05 > 0:25:08- Timothy, don't talk to that dreadful man.- Here, just a minute.
0:25:08 > 0:25:12- It was you driving that car! - The Morris Minor? No, that wasn't me.
0:25:12 > 0:25:17Is it hygienic to be dressed like that in a refreshment room?
0:25:17 > 0:25:20- You old trout!- Now, look here... - You keep out of this!
0:25:21 > 0:25:23Fair enough.
0:25:23 > 0:25:27Now, look, why don't we all behave like civilised human beings?
0:25:27 > 0:25:29You half pint of pot water!
0:25:29 > 0:25:31Now, look! Name calling is not going to help!
0:25:31 > 0:25:34- As a matter of fact, I've got something to say to you.- Yeah?
0:25:34 > 0:25:37- I'm very sorry.- No, you're not! - Yes, I am, Mother.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39- We did insult this gentleman. - He's no gentleman.
0:25:39 > 0:25:42You can shove off, you dreary old windbag!
0:25:42 > 0:25:45- Timothy! Did you hear what he called me?- Yes, I did, and I must admit...
0:25:45 > 0:25:47Well?
0:25:48 > 0:25:51There is an element of truth in it, Mother.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54- Especially the bit about the windbag. - Language, Timothy.
0:25:54 > 0:25:57- Sorry, Father. - I think I shall have some tea.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00- Why don't we all have a nice cup of tea?- You were right, Uncle.
0:26:00 > 0:26:01You, shove of, sonny!
0:26:01 > 0:26:04- I must ask you not to shove Gavin like that!- Oh, you must, must you?
0:26:04 > 0:26:07- Do you want to make something of it? - As a matter of fact, I do!
0:26:07 > 0:26:11- I think it is time, if I may say so, you were taught a lesson!- Right!
0:26:11 > 0:26:13- Here we go!- Right! - You don't have to, not for me!
0:26:13 > 0:26:16- Don't you worry.- We'll go outside. Too much blood wouldn't be hygienic!
0:26:16 > 0:26:18Ha-ha!
0:26:18 > 0:26:19- Don't worry...- He'll kill him!
0:26:28 > 0:26:31It's a bit crowded round here. Let's get round the corner.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33Hold on a minute.
0:26:33 > 0:26:37That's a friend of mine you've got there. 29 Ravenscroft. Hello, sir.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39- Hello.- Out of it, you.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42I beg your pardon? Out of it? Are you referring to me?
0:26:42 > 0:26:45115 Sevastopol Rise, isn't it?
0:26:48 > 0:26:51- What a small world, eh? - Look, you! Buzz off!
0:26:51 > 0:26:54I'm just going to knock seven coloured droppings
0:26:54 > 0:26:57- out of this little bit of offal! - I'm not ALL that little!
0:26:57 > 0:27:00Now, now. Is this the kind of thing that goes on at sports centres?
0:27:00 > 0:27:02What is all this?
0:27:02 > 0:27:04If it's any business of yours,
0:27:04 > 0:27:07his mother's a right interfering old boiler.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10He's got a point there, you know?
0:27:10 > 0:27:14- And he's been bunging rubbish at my motor.- That was a mistake.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16Your son has been bullying my godson!
0:27:16 > 0:27:18Now, that's not nice. What is all this?
0:27:18 > 0:27:21Look, if you keep on putting your oar in, you're going
0:27:21 > 0:27:22to get what he's going to get.
0:27:22 > 0:27:26- Right, that's it. Put 'em up! Come on!- Hold on, 29.
0:27:26 > 0:27:30We don't want you smeared up that wall by this person, do we?
0:27:30 > 0:27:33- Don't we? - No! And I'll tell you for why!
0:27:33 > 0:27:37Cos me and the lads owe 29 Ravenscroft a favour.
0:27:37 > 0:27:39Seven quid's worth, as a matter of fact.
0:27:39 > 0:27:44So if you lay a finger on him, or me, or your lad so much as frowns
0:27:44 > 0:27:48at his godson, your bins ain't going to get emptied till the year 2001!
0:27:52 > 0:27:55- Look, no need to be hasty. - I think that...- (Shut up.)
0:27:55 > 0:27:57Sorry.
0:27:57 > 0:28:01- What's going on? Who shall I hit? - Duggie, you've been a naughty boy!
0:28:01 > 0:28:04You've been rude to the dustman. Get out of here, eh?
0:28:05 > 0:28:10I reckon that's ten quid's-worth of moral support, don't you?
0:28:10 > 0:28:11What? Oh, see what you mean.
0:28:11 > 0:28:13There you are.
0:28:13 > 0:28:17- Uncle Tim, you're all right! - Well, of course I'm all right!
0:28:17 > 0:28:21Saw them off. There'll be no more trouble from them.
0:28:21 > 0:28:23I think you're fantastic!
0:28:23 > 0:28:25Now, now. I just muddle through.
0:28:29 > 0:28:32Well, no, perhaps, I am verging on fantastic.
0:28:32 > 0:28:35Timothy, what have I always told you about playing among dustbins?
0:28:35 > 0:28:40- Playing?! He wasn't playing.- You... You must understand, women never...
0:28:40 > 0:28:42There are those dreadful dustmen.
0:28:42 > 0:28:45- I'm going to give them a piece of my mind.- No, you won't.
0:28:45 > 0:28:48- Why not?- I don't think that a lady as lovely as yourself should be
0:28:48 > 0:28:50concerned with such sordid things.
0:28:50 > 0:28:52Language, Timothy.
0:28:52 > 0:28:53Shut up, Sidney.
0:28:53 > 0:28:55- Don't you?- No, I don't.
0:28:58 > 0:29:00BEEPS HORN
0:29:00 > 0:29:02# La-la la-la-la
0:29:02 > 0:29:04BEEPS BORN # La-la! #
0:29:04 > 0:29:05Great, Uncle Tim.
0:29:05 > 0:29:07You stood up and you were counted.
0:29:07 > 0:29:11Sorted out the Bullfords and got rid of 12 bags of rubbish.
0:29:11 > 0:29:14- Oh, I thought it was 13. - No, we put 12 on top of the car.
0:29:14 > 0:29:16- Did we?- Quite right, Gavin.
0:29:16 > 0:29:19Oh, it doesn't matter. Probably left it in the drive.
0:29:19 > 0:29:22Hm, right where everyone could see it.
0:29:22 > 0:29:24My God...
0:29:28 > 0:29:29Sorry!