0:00:57 > 0:00:59Oh, right.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02HE SIGHS
0:01:13 > 0:01:16What sort of time do you call this?
0:01:16 > 0:01:18The usual time, Mother.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21Tell me, is there some religious reason why there is
0:01:21 > 0:01:23absolutely no breakfast this morning?
0:01:23 > 0:01:26Is today the day we are not allowed Coco Pops until sunset?
0:01:26 > 0:01:30- Ooh, aren't we being sarky?- Well...
0:01:30 > 0:01:35- It is a very special breakfast this morning.- Oh, good, good.
0:01:35 > 0:01:39- What is it to be?- Well, you remember we had that bridge party last night?
0:01:39 > 0:01:43- Yes.- Well, there are some very nice leftovers.
0:01:46 > 0:01:50Mother, I can't go out to a hard day's work at the library on some
0:01:50 > 0:01:55limp cheese straws and half a rook's nest of Twiglets!
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Don't be ungrateful.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00These Scotch eggs have hardly been touched.
0:02:02 > 0:02:06You know I can't stand Scotch eggs, Mother. Not even first-hand.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10They are like oven-ready hedgehogs, these are.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15In the war we ate everything up.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18Gallant men in ships brought our food then.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20Not convoys of Scotch eggs, surely.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24Look at this!
0:02:24 > 0:02:28Drove it right through, second one in 20 years.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32Well, you can take the dirty thing right out again.
0:02:32 > 0:02:36- I just thought you would like to see.- Oh, fascinating! Take it away.
0:02:36 > 0:02:40- Morning, Father.- What?- I said good morning. You didn't mind, did you?
0:02:40 > 0:02:42- Mind your language. - Oh, sorry, Father.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47I don't know why he doesn't take it down the garage, let them do it.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50We are not made of money, Timothy.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53Not something you would appreciate, of course.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55You seem to think Twiglets grow on trees.
0:02:57 > 0:03:01Speaking of money, I was having a word with the Ketleys last night
0:03:01 > 0:03:06when I was dummy. Now, their son Stanley, who is half your age...
0:03:06 > 0:03:09Mind you, he does have a better job.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11I admit it, Mother, I am a librarian.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13But I have said I'm sorry.
0:03:13 > 0:03:18Now, Stanley pays his mother £40 a week for his room.
0:03:18 > 0:03:19What?!
0:03:19 > 0:03:23And we thought, Mrs Ketley and I, that you should pay the same.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26£40 a week, Mother? That's a 300% increase.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28You do get full board.
0:03:28 > 0:03:32Full board? You call 23 Twiglets on a paper plate full board?
0:03:34 > 0:03:37£40 a week? I would have a butler and a penthouse for that.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40I don't expect gratitude.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43Have you got a nice clean vest and pants on, by the way?
0:03:43 > 0:03:45No, Mother.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48I am not planning to be run over today. No, I haven't.
0:03:48 > 0:03:52- Is there a name tag on that tie? - No, Mother, I don't want one, either.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55When I was at school, you used to put name tapes on my tennis balls.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58Well, you wouldn't get that sort of attention from a butler.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00I don't want that sort of attention, Mother.
0:04:00 > 0:04:04I want peace and tranquillity, preferably on a desert island.
0:04:04 > 0:04:09Oh, Timothy, we could be very happy on a desert island.
0:04:09 > 0:04:13We, Mother? We? I don't want you there,
0:04:13 > 0:04:16following me everywhere with calamine lotion.
0:04:16 > 0:04:20Well, you never will wear your sun hat.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23Mother, I put my sun hat down the lavatory in Broadstairs 14 years ago.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26- What?!- Yes, you know that.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29Well, don't think I'm buying you another.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31You seem to have no idea of money.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33You think £10 a week for your room is enough?
0:04:33 > 0:04:37It doesn't keep your father in paper hankies.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40- What are you doing with that? - This olive, Mother, is second-hand.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44Somebody has had the stuffing out of it.
0:04:44 > 0:04:45You can see right through it.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48Other people, Mother, are eating normal breakfasts.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51The streets are full of people, you know, all warm and cosy,
0:04:51 > 0:04:53surrounded with glowing halos.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55They smile, they don't get wet.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58I'm wet and miserable because you give me this stuff!
0:04:58 > 0:05:01- Rubbish!- The very word for it, Mother, the very word.
0:05:01 > 0:05:05And you expect £40 a week for this? Excuse me, Mother.
0:05:05 > 0:05:09When you had scarlet fever, I held you in my arms
0:05:09 > 0:05:13and you looked up into my eyes and you said, "Thank you, Mummy,"
0:05:13 > 0:05:15and I shall always remember that moment
0:05:15 > 0:05:19because it was the last time you ever said "thank you"!
0:05:21 > 0:05:23RAISED VOICE: Thank you, Mother!
0:05:23 > 0:05:24There's no need to shout.
0:05:24 > 0:05:28- Thank you, Mother, you have helped me make up my mind.- Oh, good.- Yes.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30Will you stop my copy of the Daily Mirror?
0:05:30 > 0:05:33And I shall have my mail redirected.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36Will you cancel my daily pint of Gold Top? Thank you.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38Goodbye, Mother.
0:05:40 > 0:05:41Cancel his milk?
0:05:43 > 0:05:45I don't think I will.
0:05:45 > 0:05:46His wisdom teeth aren't through yet.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05Hello? Hello! Hello, hello.
0:06:05 > 0:06:09My name is Lumsden and I...
0:06:09 > 0:06:11Lumsden, yes.
0:06:11 > 0:06:15And I am a bright young executive and I was...
0:06:20 > 0:06:24And I have in front of me a copy of the Evening Echo, last night's
0:06:24 > 0:06:28Evening Echo and I am looking at the advertisement for a bedsit. Yes.
0:06:28 > 0:06:33Well, I would be wanting full board with no Scotch eggs.
0:06:36 > 0:06:37I was wondering if we...
0:06:37 > 0:06:41No, sorry, no. No, I DON'T like Scotch eggs.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44Sorry, I thought I made that clear. But...
0:06:48 > 0:06:50But I do like Coco Pops.
0:06:50 > 0:06:54Yes. Now, I was wondering what that would come...
0:06:54 > 0:06:58£55 a week?! Goodness me.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01Perhaps I can call you later when we can discuss daylight robbery.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Thank you very much.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05£55 a week?
0:07:05 > 0:07:07I can get five wives and a goat in Tonga for that!
0:07:09 > 0:07:13- Go to Tonga, then.- Mm.- That's the 13th that has been too much for you.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15You are totally out of touch with the market.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17I'm not at all, it's just the prices.
0:07:17 > 0:07:21I mean, look at this one here now. Look. Bachelor flat, £60 a week.
0:07:21 > 0:07:25Bachelor flat? They are like gold in this vicinity, Timothy.
0:07:25 > 0:07:26I have been looking for months.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28Well, you haven't got the Lumsden luck, have you?
0:07:28 > 0:07:32It's just a question of what you... Sorry, madam. Oh, Miss, sorry.
0:07:33 > 0:07:37Were you wanting the avening peper... the evening paper? Thank you.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44Now, let us see. The Woodworker's Gazette.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47I wonder if they advertise accommodation in here?
0:07:47 > 0:07:49Well, if you are thinking of a bird box.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59I shall ignore that, Mr Gooch, I shall ignore that. I...
0:08:00 > 0:08:02Ah, The Jewish Chronicle.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07No trouble with Scotch eggs there!
0:08:10 > 0:08:13Well, it's a start, isn't it? It is a...
0:08:13 > 0:08:19A MAN HUMS A TUNE
0:08:33 > 0:08:34What's that noise?
0:08:40 > 0:08:42Is it the pipes or something? What is it?
0:08:44 > 0:08:46I rather think it is somebody singing.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48Will you go and ask him to stop, please?
0:08:48 > 0:08:51No, no, no, you are in charge, as you
0:08:51 > 0:08:53so rightly point out every three minutes.
0:08:53 > 0:08:57- There is a man here singing. - Yes, we know, thank you.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00The matter has been dealt with.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03What do you mean, the matter has been dealt with?
0:09:03 > 0:09:05I mean, perhaps he might stop.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07HUMMING STOPS
0:09:07 > 0:09:09There you are, see? Stopped.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12Would you care to sit down? Thank you very much.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15- Oh, you've got the magic touch. - Well...
0:09:15 > 0:09:18LOUD SINGING
0:09:20 > 0:09:22How do you do it(?)
0:09:22 > 0:09:25The gentleman has a perfect right to be in here in the warm.
0:09:25 > 0:09:29He did this last week. Miss Peabody threw him out.
0:09:30 > 0:09:31I am not Miss Peabody.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35- Can you please take some action at once?- Yes.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37Will you leave it to me, please? Everything is under control.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39Keep quite calm, thank you very much.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43HE CONTINUES TO SING
0:09:46 > 0:09:50HE SINGS IN OWN LANGUAGE
0:09:50 > 0:09:53Hello. Hello.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55Hello.
0:09:55 > 0:09:59I am the librarian here. Can I help you at all in some way?
0:09:59 > 0:10:01Help? With what help?
0:10:02 > 0:10:06Well, I mean, you know, books, references, periodicals or...?
0:10:06 > 0:10:08No, no, no books.
0:10:08 > 0:10:09Kaput, kaput!
0:10:10 > 0:10:13Me, I sing.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16Yes, yes, but I'm afraid this is not a singing library.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18MAN LAUGHS
0:10:19 > 0:10:22No, it is NOT a singing library.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25Yes, no, I think you are going to be a lot warmer
0:10:25 > 0:10:27in our Hacketts Lane branch.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30Why don't you throw him out?
0:10:33 > 0:10:36Well, that's one way of looking at it, I suppose.
0:10:36 > 0:10:41I must tell you that as the librarian here, as the head librarian,
0:10:41 > 0:10:42I have...
0:10:42 > 0:10:46I have vested in me the power to ask you, most politely,
0:10:46 > 0:10:48to leave the library.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08Not if you don't want to, of course.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10You see, I...
0:11:10 > 0:11:15You see, I must tell you that I think you are going to be a lot
0:11:15 > 0:11:19happier in the gramophone section.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22I mean, Miss Webberley in the gramophone section
0:11:22 > 0:11:23will accommodate you. She is...
0:11:24 > 0:11:25She is...
0:11:27 > 0:11:28She is an absolute...
0:11:32 > 0:11:37Miss Webberley is an absolute authority on European folk music.
0:11:37 > 0:11:38Sorry...
0:11:39 > 0:11:41HE SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE
0:11:41 > 0:11:44Throw him out!
0:11:44 > 0:11:46Look, the matter is in hand.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51I must tell you that Mr Gooch, my assistant behind the counter,
0:11:51 > 0:11:54- is an expert in judo.- Mm-hmm.- Yes.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57He is a fifth dan and he is going to be
0:11:57 > 0:11:59a five and a half dan any moment.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01HE SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE
0:12:02 > 0:12:05- Well, perhaps I am exaggerating. - Te tragia!
0:12:05 > 0:12:08Well, I know, I know! I feel the same, te tragia.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11- You bad man!- No, no, no.
0:12:13 > 0:12:14How about two quid?
0:12:16 > 0:12:18£2 just to... £2.
0:12:20 > 0:12:21Five good.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23Five?
0:12:23 > 0:12:26All right, I'll split the difference with you.
0:12:26 > 0:12:27£5.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30- Thank you.- You good man!
0:12:33 > 0:12:36- We meet again, huh? - Ah, lovely.- Many times.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39HE SINGS
0:12:40 > 0:12:43That's all clear. Everybody carry on, then.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45Shh!
0:12:45 > 0:12:48Have you got everything? Well, I can see you have everything.
0:12:48 > 0:12:52- You have more than everything. - Thank you.- Thank you.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54I hope you are not entertaining lustful
0:12:54 > 0:12:56thoughts about the female readership, Timothy.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59- Shut up, Victor.- What's this?
0:12:59 > 0:13:02- Oh, interesting, most interesting. - Yes, what is that?- Oh, nothing.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05Just a piece of paper at the lovely lady reader left behind with
0:13:05 > 0:13:08- certain information.- Uh-huh. Could I have it, please?- No.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10Come on, Victor, as head librarian...
0:13:10 > 0:13:12- Jawohl, mein Fuhrer.- Yes.
0:13:13 > 0:13:17Wanted - third person to share pleasant garden flat with two girls.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24Sense of humour, either sex, £30 per week.
0:13:26 > 0:13:27It is fate.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30I have got a sense of humour and I am either sex.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37- It's unbelievable!- Shh!- Oh, be quiet!
0:13:38 > 0:13:41No phone number. No phone number, she's not put a phone number.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43Wait a minute, she was looking at the Evening Echo, wasn't she?
0:13:43 > 0:13:46Perhaps she was going to put an advertisement in the Evening Echo.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49If I charge down there, follow her to the office,
0:13:49 > 0:13:53we might... In King Street. I might be able to catch up with her.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55Victor, I'm just leaving the premises for a moment.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58Will you, while I'm away, assume control?
0:13:58 > 0:14:00Anything happens untoward or violence of any sort,
0:14:00 > 0:14:03- do what I would do.- Get Miss Peabody?
0:14:03 > 0:14:04Please, please.
0:14:04 > 0:14:09And if anybody asks, say I have gone to take my destiny in both hands.
0:14:09 > 0:14:10There's no answer to that.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13- Shut up!- Shh!
0:14:23 > 0:14:26Ha! Even more interesting.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28Victor, this is your lucky day.
0:14:28 > 0:14:32# I belong to Glasgow
0:14:32 > 0:14:35# Dear old Glasgow town. #
0:14:35 > 0:14:37Can I help you?
0:14:37 > 0:14:40I hear if you sing a song in here there's a wee fella gives you
0:14:40 > 0:14:41five quid.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34HE MOUTHS
0:15:55 > 0:15:57- Sorry.- That's all right, sir.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10So I held the card up against the window, she read it
0:16:10 > 0:16:15and got the message and she will be ringing tonight at six o'clock.
0:16:15 > 0:16:19- You should have done all this 20 years ago.- Oh, I know, I know.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22Don't kick a man when he's up.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25Two girls, eh? A menage a trois.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27Well, two and a half, anyway.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31Oh, I think I took too much.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34Do you fancy this Scotch egg?
0:16:36 > 0:16:39- No, thank you, Frank. - Well, I haven't touched it.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41No, it reminds me of Mother.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44Yeah, I see what you mean.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49Ah...
0:16:49 > 0:16:52I should probably have to buy a sort of lounging gown,
0:16:52 > 0:16:53you know, a kaftan...
0:16:55 > 0:16:57..for lounging in the lounge with the girls.
0:16:57 > 0:17:01I expect we will all be in the lounge, lounging...
0:17:01 > 0:17:02together.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05When can I come round?
0:17:05 > 0:17:07Do you mind?
0:17:07 > 0:17:09Fair's fair, Frank, finders keepers.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12All I will say is that when I can't manage -
0:17:12 > 0:17:17WHEN I can't manage - you will be the first on the list.
0:17:17 > 0:17:18Right.
0:17:18 > 0:17:22Well, eat up. You are going to need your strength, Tiger Tim.
0:17:25 > 0:17:26Tiger Tim.
0:17:26 > 0:17:31There is just the one thing that sort of worries me, you know.
0:17:31 > 0:17:35- You are tall enough!- I know I am tall enough, I know I'm tall enough.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40Why did you bring that up? I know I'm tall enough!
0:17:42 > 0:17:46I know that, I know that, it's just that...
0:17:46 > 0:17:47I... It's just...
0:17:47 > 0:17:50Funny thing to say, that was, Frank. It's just...
0:17:50 > 0:17:53- It's just that I might be too old. 41.- Oh...
0:17:53 > 0:17:56No, 41, I mean, these two girls wouldn't be 41 added together.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59Age doesn't matter, Tim. It all depends on experience.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01Oh, experience, I've got plenty of that.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03- No, you haven't.- No, I haven't.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06I don't know why I said that, I don't know why I said that.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08I was talking about their experience.
0:18:08 > 0:18:09They are only 20, you know.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12These days, they will have enough to go round and some over.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14Oh, well, that's all right, then.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16- Come on, let's celebrate.- Yes.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19- Another half a shandy?- Yes.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21And a bag of crisps.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23Oh, building yourself up, eh? You dirty devil.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27Make them beef flavoured.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34- Timothy?- It's me!
0:18:34 > 0:18:35Have you wiped your...?
0:18:35 > 0:18:39I've wiped everything, Mother. You name it, I have wiped it.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42- Have there been any phone calls? - No, who are you expecting?
0:18:42 > 0:18:45- Any minute now, six o'clock. - What on earth are those?
0:18:45 > 0:18:48- They are cushions, Mother. - What are they for?
0:18:48 > 0:18:53Well, you know, for a scattering, lounging together.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56Well, I'm not lounging on those with my sciatica!
0:18:56 > 0:18:58Not you, Mother.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01Well, who else is there? Your father can't with his leg.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03I will find somebody, Mother, don't you worry.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06Six o'clock, Mother, I'm expecting a phone call.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08Now, what would you like for your tea?
0:19:08 > 0:19:11There are some sausages that are only just out of date
0:19:11 > 0:19:16and there is still that sandwich spread on the sideboard.
0:19:16 > 0:19:17Mother, try and keep the voice down.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20- The phone is going to ring any moment.- Yes, well, anyone knows that.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22PHONE RINGS Ah, there we are, it is her.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25Now, play it cool, crisp. Keep her waiting a bit.
0:19:25 > 0:19:28Forbidden fruit, top of the tree, big banana.
0:19:28 > 0:19:32- Are you...? - Mother, don't you... Don't answer!
0:19:32 > 0:19:34It's only Rachel, she always rings at six.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36- Rachel who?- Shh, Rachel Hornsby.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39Who else would ring just when the cheap rates start?
0:19:39 > 0:19:41Dreadful woman.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43It might not be her. Hello, dear.
0:19:43 > 0:19:44What?
0:19:44 > 0:19:46Who?
0:19:46 > 0:19:48- What? On a bus? - Give it to me, Mother.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51I don't know what you're talking about. Timothy, please.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54- I'm afraid you have the wrong number.- No, Mother, don't...!
0:19:54 > 0:19:55What have you done that for?
0:19:55 > 0:19:59Well, it was a silly man talking about the flat in a bus.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01What's all this about a flat?
0:20:01 > 0:20:04- Nothing, Mother.- Oh, very mysterious.
0:20:04 > 0:20:09Very well, you tell me nothing, I'll cook you nothing.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12- Good.- You can find your own tea. - Thank you.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17Whatever is happening on these cushions?
0:20:20 > 0:20:22It's, erm, it's wrestling, Mother.
0:20:28 > 0:20:29Hindu wrestling, you know.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33But it is a man and a woman, isn't it?
0:20:34 > 0:20:36That's a woman...
0:20:37 > 0:20:40..and that, most certainly, is a man.
0:20:42 > 0:20:43It's mixed wrestling, Mother.
0:20:45 > 0:20:49Well, they certainly seem to be enjoying it.
0:20:49 > 0:20:50Gracious!
0:20:52 > 0:20:55Here is a man and a woman
0:20:55 > 0:20:56and another woman!
0:20:58 > 0:20:59She's the referee.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04Then what is she doing here?
0:21:04 > 0:21:07Blowing the whistle for half-time, Mother.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09Timothy...
0:21:09 > 0:21:10Take these out of my kitchen.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12- I'll take them upstairs. - No, not upstairs.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15I won't have them in the house. Take them out into the garage.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17And while you are there, give your father a hand.
0:21:17 > 0:21:18I have got to stay by the phone.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21He has been out there all day with that car and his leg.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24All right, Mother, I shall go out on one condition,
0:21:24 > 0:21:27that if the phone rings, please leave it for me to answer it, all right?
0:21:27 > 0:21:30I don't want to know your silly business, I am only your Mother.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32I only brought you into the world.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35And it wasn't an easy birth, you were ten days late.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39If I'd known what it was going to be like, Mother,
0:21:39 > 0:21:40I wouldn't have come at all.
0:21:43 > 0:21:44Damn modern cars!
0:21:47 > 0:21:49Here we are, Father.
0:21:49 > 0:21:53- Hands off, Timothy.- You don't really want me, Father, do you?
0:21:53 > 0:21:55- Yes, yes, I do. Hold this. - Oh, right.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01- What do you want me to do with it? - Just hold it, dummy!- I didn't know.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04Don't let it touch anything, it'll all go up in smoke.
0:22:15 > 0:22:16Is that the phone?
0:22:16 > 0:22:19Damned horn won't work.
0:22:19 > 0:22:20It is the phone!
0:22:22 > 0:22:23First car I had...
0:22:24 > 0:22:26..1931 Singer.
0:22:28 > 0:22:29Two cylinder.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32Used to take out a girl called Sicily.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35We used to sing a song.
0:22:35 > 0:22:36What was it?
0:22:37 > 0:22:41Yes, yes, yes. Yes, Father. I mean, I'm sorry, no.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46- Is that the phone? - No, that wasn't it.
0:22:46 > 0:22:50I remember on one occasion we went for a spin along Hog's Back.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55Happiest days of my life.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58Very funny, wasn't it?
0:22:58 > 0:23:01- Yes.- I told you before? - What? No, go on, go on.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03What the hell are you laughing at?
0:23:05 > 0:23:08- I'm laughing at the story you told me.- Story? What story?
0:23:08 > 0:23:12The other day, about the, you know, the thing and the, erm, the thing.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15- You remember you...- I don't remember telling you that one.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18Anyway, there we were and who should come along but your mother?
0:23:18 > 0:23:20That was before she was your mother, of course.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23- PHONE RINGS - Well, and Sicily, she was in front...
0:23:24 > 0:23:26Oh, you could see the...
0:23:26 > 0:23:29- Argh! - HORN HONKS
0:23:29 > 0:23:31TIMOTHY!
0:23:31 > 0:23:33Mother. Mother!
0:23:33 > 0:23:36PHONE CONTINUES TO RING
0:23:38 > 0:23:39Mother!
0:23:41 > 0:23:44Mother, can you answer the phone, please?
0:23:44 > 0:23:46You can't come in through there.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49I know that, Mother, will you open the door, please?
0:23:49 > 0:23:52If you tell me what it's all about then I'll let you in.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54No, let me in first.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56- All right. - Right, Mother, thank you.
0:23:59 > 0:24:00Mind that pedal bin, it's new.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03- Listen, Mother, will you pick up the phone, please?- Certainly not!
0:24:03 > 0:24:06You told me not to.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09- Look, get me out. Would you get me out?- I say, the phone's going.- I know.
0:24:09 > 0:24:12- What are you doing down there? - Would you get me out, Father, please?
0:24:12 > 0:24:15- Mind my ears, my ears. - Oh, let Mummy help.
0:24:15 > 0:24:16My ears are stuck.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20- The phone, Mother, pick it up! - Language, Timothy.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22Oh, shut up, Father. RINGING STOPS
0:24:22 > 0:24:24Stopped.
0:24:24 > 0:24:27They've gone. Would you believe it? They have gone.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30- Mind the furniture, Timothy! - I dusted that!
0:24:30 > 0:24:34Everybody takes phone calls, the world takes phone calls. Why can't I?
0:24:34 > 0:24:36PHONE RINGS Stop! Stand. Nobody move.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38Don't you order me around!
0:24:38 > 0:24:41- Hello?- Hello!- Shut up, Mother. - Timothy!- Shut up.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44- The phone has broken! - You did that on purpose.
0:24:44 > 0:24:47- I didn't do it on purpose. - You have to pay for it.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49Father, I don't live here any more, I'm leaving.
0:24:49 > 0:24:53- I'm going to live with some girls. - Not those Indian women.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56How can they phone me now? How can...? Oh, my God.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06Did you see that?
0:25:10 > 0:25:12He sat on his Twiglets!
0:25:14 > 0:25:15Broke the chair.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20I make him a lovely supper and he sits on it.
0:25:22 > 0:25:23Mother, that's all it's good for.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28APPLAUSE
0:25:28 > 0:25:31And it wasn't very comfortable at that.
0:25:31 > 0:25:32Get out of this house.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35Now she tells me. Now she tells me!
0:25:35 > 0:25:36When should I have told you?
0:25:36 > 0:25:38Coronation year!
0:25:43 > 0:25:45It's not the end of the world, Tim.
0:25:45 > 0:25:49They'll never know what they missed, that's the tragedy.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53I bought them cushions and everything.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55Two cushions, you know, one each.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58They'll be on the bonfire now.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00- Don't burst into tears again. - I won't.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03To be honest, there was some drawings on these cushions
0:26:03 > 0:26:05I couldn't understand at all.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10- No-one knows it all, Tim.- Yeah.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12Too late to find out now, though, isn't it?
0:26:12 > 0:26:14Last orders!
0:26:14 > 0:26:18I'll get us two nice large ones because I want to be warm tonight.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21- What do you mean?- Well, I can't go home, I'm not going home, obviously.
0:26:21 > 0:26:23I can't go, can I?
0:26:23 > 0:26:27- You can't go walking about in the cold like Captain Oates.- Well...
0:26:29 > 0:26:30Them! Look! Them!
0:26:31 > 0:26:33Oh, my God, Tim!
0:26:34 > 0:26:37Right! They're fantastic.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39It's fate, isn't it? Fate! I must go and chat to them.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41I'll introduce you, I'll bring them over. Hiya!
0:26:41 > 0:26:43Oh, what a pleasant surprise, our would-be Romeo.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46Excuse me, Victor, I've just got to speak to some friends.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49- Oh, not these lovely ladies, perchance?- Excuse me, would you?
0:26:49 > 0:26:50Venetia and Samantha?
0:26:52 > 0:26:53My new flatmates, Timothy.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57Why, you...
0:26:57 > 0:27:00Samantha - or Sam, as I call her - was careless enough to
0:27:00 > 0:27:03leave behind a second piece of paper with her phone number on it.
0:27:03 > 0:27:07I gave her the proverbial tinkle and I'm now cosily ensconced,
0:27:07 > 0:27:09thank you very much.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12Perhaps you'd care to join us in a glass of Stella ArTROIS?
0:27:12 > 0:27:14If you take my meaning.
0:27:15 > 0:27:17Did I say something?
0:27:19 > 0:27:20Where are you going?
0:27:21 > 0:27:25I'm going outside. I might be gone some while.
0:27:44 > 0:27:46HE SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE
0:27:46 > 0:27:48My friend!
0:27:48 > 0:27:50Hello! You know me.
0:27:52 > 0:27:53I sing.
0:27:53 > 0:27:56HE SINGS IN OWN LANGUAGE
0:27:56 > 0:27:58Oh...
0:27:58 > 0:28:00You unhappy, huh? Yes?
0:28:02 > 0:28:03Bad belly, huh?
0:28:05 > 0:28:07I know all places get food.
0:28:07 > 0:28:09All aristocratic dustbins.
0:28:12 > 0:28:14Scotch egg!
0:28:16 > 0:28:19I thank you. Where do we find Twiglets?
0:28:21 > 0:28:25HE SINGS IN OWN LANGUAGE
0:28:35 > 0:28:39THEY SING IN HIS LANGUAGE