0:00:48 > 0:00:49KNOCKING ON WINDOW
0:00:49 > 0:00:50Hello, Frank!
0:00:51 > 0:00:54No. No. I'm going to the home-improvement centre.
0:00:55 > 0:00:59The home-improvement centre! The... For the paint.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03No, no, the cupboard under the stairs. The paint.
0:01:03 > 0:01:04The home-improv... For Mother.
0:01:05 > 0:01:07Mother!
0:01:07 > 0:01:09No, no, not me. Mother! The cupb...
0:01:09 > 0:01:11POP MUSIC ON RADIO
0:01:14 > 0:01:16- WOMAN:- What's your friend up to?
0:01:16 > 0:01:18- FRANK CHUCKLES - Who knows?
0:01:21 > 0:01:23PHONE RINGS
0:01:27 > 0:01:30Good morning. Reference library. Victor Gooch speaking.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32Oh, Mrs Lumsden!
0:01:33 > 0:01:37Well, no. I'm afraid your Timothy has not hitherto honoured us
0:01:37 > 0:01:38with his presence, no.
0:01:38 > 0:01:39Well, we live in hope!
0:01:39 > 0:01:41HE LAUGHS
0:01:42 > 0:01:44Yes, I will remind him, if I can find time.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48I do seem to be doing Timothy's work, as well.
0:01:50 > 0:01:51HE LAUGHS
0:01:52 > 0:01:54Oh, dear! Does he?
0:01:56 > 0:02:00Is he?! Has he really, Mrs Lu...
0:02:00 > 0:02:04No! No, no, no, I think you're perfectly right to criticise.
0:02:06 > 0:02:10Well, it's very nice swapping notes with a fellow sufferer again,
0:02:10 > 0:02:12Mrs Lumsden. Goodbye.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15VICTOR SIGHS
0:02:15 > 0:02:19Who's the naughty boy who didn't make his bed this morning?
0:02:20 > 0:02:23- What?- Your mother rang. - Oh, not already?
0:02:23 > 0:02:27She says you didn't eat your porridge, either.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29Be fair, she orders it by the tonne from Readymix.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34I tried, you know, I did try.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36I had to turn back at Camp Four.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39Please, Timothy, I don't think it's very proper of you
0:02:39 > 0:02:41to criticise your mother in front of me.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43Well, I know, but it's just that I can't help...
0:02:43 > 0:02:46She also said that you hadn't been this morning.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50What, is nothing sacred?
0:02:50 > 0:02:52No, I haven't "been", to be honest,
0:02:52 > 0:02:56because when I wanted to "been", Father hadn't "been", either.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00He was already in there, "beening".
0:03:00 > 0:03:02Please, Timothy, spare me the details.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05I would, I'd like to, but I've ruined the morning already.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08I had to go to the wretched home-improvement shop to get
0:03:08 > 0:03:09- some paint for her. - Oh, yes!
0:03:09 > 0:03:12Yes, she asked me to remind you to get the paint for tonight.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15I got the paint. I got it, I got the paint.
0:03:15 > 0:03:19Indian mushroom, right colour, everything.
0:03:19 > 0:03:20- Oh!- So I see.
0:03:20 > 0:03:21You've marked the table.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23Oh, dear. Wait a minute. There we are.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26Indian mushroom hankie!
0:03:26 > 0:03:29- Very David Hicks.- Yes, I'm sure!
0:03:29 > 0:03:32The only painting that's going on tonight, Victor,
0:03:32 > 0:03:34is my painting the town, that's what.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37Your mother seems to think otherwise, Timothy.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39She says that tonight
0:03:39 > 0:03:41you'll be decorating the cupboard under the stairs.
0:03:41 > 0:03:42No, I won't!
0:03:42 > 0:03:45I'm going to the cinema to see a revival of Gone With The Wind
0:03:45 > 0:03:48starring Clark Gable, Vivien Leigh and, er...
0:03:48 > 0:03:52Did I ever tell you that I was once mistaken for Clark Gable?
0:03:52 > 0:03:54Mind you, there'd been a power cut.
0:03:54 > 0:03:58Er, so tonight I shall be at the cinema with one of my women friends.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01Oh, accompanied by an adult, eh?
0:04:03 > 0:04:06- So the cupboard under the stairs will have to wait.- I see.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10What do you mean, "I see"? What do you mean by that?
0:04:10 > 0:04:14Well, far be it from me to sound negative and somewhat crushing,
0:04:14 > 0:04:17Timothy, but I have observed that if you want to do one thing
0:04:17 > 0:04:19and your mother wants you to do another thing,
0:04:19 > 0:04:23- you always end up doing precisely what she wants.- Oh, not at all!
0:04:23 > 0:04:26I do what I want, not what Mother wants. Exactly as I wish.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29And what is more, I have a fiver in my pocket says this evening
0:04:29 > 0:04:31I shall be going to see Gone With The Wind.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34Oh, a wager, eh? You're on, old sport.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36This'll be like taking candy off a baby.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38PHONE RINGS
0:04:38 > 0:04:40Mother, will you please leave me alone at my place of work?
0:04:40 > 0:04:43Yes, I've got the paint, as required, and I...
0:04:43 > 0:04:46Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I didn't, er...
0:04:46 > 0:04:48Yes. Sorry, can I help you?
0:04:48 > 0:04:50Yes. You want to know what?
0:04:50 > 0:04:52The precise height of...
0:04:52 > 0:04:55What? Of the Great Pyramid?
0:04:55 > 0:04:57Yes, I th... Yes, that'll be fine. Yes.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00Yes, I'm sorry about that earlier, only I, er...
0:05:00 > 0:05:02I thought you were my mother...
0:05:02 > 0:05:04sir. LAUGHS
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Yes. I shall... I shall get the information required.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09Yes, sir, I'll just pop through to the reference section.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12Will you just hold on, please? I won't be two jiffies. Thank you.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20- MOTHER:- Who's that out there? - Long John Silver.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25Did you wipe your feet?
0:05:25 > 0:05:26Foot, Mother, foot.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35- Did you get the paint? - Erm...
0:05:35 > 0:05:40- Er, no. No.- What?! - No.- I rang you.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43- You said you'd got it. - I know. I exaggerated.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45You were fibbing! Why were you fibbing?
0:05:45 > 0:05:47No, I wasn't fibbing, Mother. I'd been.
0:05:47 > 0:05:53- You should have been this morning. - No, not "been" been, I mean...
0:05:53 > 0:05:56You know, I went to the shop for the Indian mushroom. They'd sold out.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59- What? - Yes. There's been panic buying.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02You haven't been anywhere near the shop.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04- Yes, I went this morning! - You're fibbing again.
0:06:04 > 0:06:08- I am not fibbing!- I can always tell when you're fibbing.- I am not!
0:06:08 > 0:06:12- Look. Here it is. - Oh. So you were fibbing.
0:06:12 > 0:06:13No, I wasn't!
0:06:13 > 0:06:15- I can always tell. - I wasn't!
0:06:15 > 0:06:19- Timothy! - There. Now you've upset your father.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22- Go in there and apologise properly. - What for?
0:06:22 > 0:06:23Oh!
0:06:26 > 0:06:28- And take that silly thing off. - That hurt, Mother! It hurt!
0:06:28 > 0:06:30I will do.
0:06:30 > 0:06:34Your father spent the whole morning cleaning the brushes for you.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36And the turps has made him chesty.
0:06:38 > 0:06:42- I'm sorry, Father.- What? - I'm sorry.- Sorry? What for?
0:06:42 > 0:06:45Well, anything at all. You take your pick. I'm just sorry.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47- Are you taking the mickey?- No. - Have you wiped your feet?
0:06:47 > 0:06:49- Yes, Father. - Wiped your nose?
0:06:49 > 0:06:51Not on the mat, no.
0:06:51 > 0:06:55- Timothy?- Yes?- Stop showing off. - I wasn't, Mother!- Bolshy, Timothy.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58Well, wait a minute. I have just come in here, I've done nothing wrong.
0:06:58 > 0:07:02This house was peaceful and quiet until you came home, Timothy.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04I'm sorry. You're quite right.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07Two sedate senior citizens, quietly relaxing,
0:07:07 > 0:07:10I came in, started throwing my weight about.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13- It was unforgivable. I will withdraw. - Where do you think you're going?
0:07:13 > 0:07:15- I'm going out, Mother, to the cinema. - You're doing no such thing.
0:07:15 > 0:07:19- You're painting the cupboard under the stairs.- I'm going to the cinema.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21- Are you defying your mother, Timothy?- Yes, Father.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23Fair enough.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28Be quiet, Sidney.
0:07:28 > 0:07:33Now, Timothy, you know you don't like the cinema.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35Mother, you always keep telling me I don't like things.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38I do! I love the cinema. I love going out to the cinema.
0:07:38 > 0:07:42I love going out anywhere. Away. Anywhere, please God, away.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44Films frighten you.
0:07:44 > 0:07:48Mother, all right, I know I hid under the seat at Snow White,
0:07:48 > 0:07:51but that was 35 years ago.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54They said you were too short for Emmanuelle.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56They thought I was too YOUNG for Emmanuelle, Mother.
0:07:56 > 0:08:01This is not an X certificate, this is Gone With The Wind.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04- Gone With The Wind! - Good Lord!
0:08:04 > 0:08:07Went to that when you were just a twinkle in your mother's eye.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10Not in front of the children, Sidney.
0:08:10 > 0:08:14I'm not children, Mother. I'm not children, I'm a big boy now.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16I've got an umbrella.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22I've got a box of cuff links. American Express asked me to join.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27- Gone With The Wind! Now, that was a real film.- Eh?
0:08:27 > 0:08:30Well...we'll all go.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33- Oh, no, Mother... - We haven't been anywhere for ages.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35I took you to our production of Puss In Boots!
0:08:35 > 0:08:37- That was quite dreadful. - Oh, that's...!
0:08:37 > 0:08:39Sidney, Timothy has asked us to go to the cinema.
0:08:39 > 0:08:44- I haven't!- I haven't seen a decent film since Dangerous Moonlight.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47Well, don't just stand there, Timothy, go and comb your hair.
0:08:47 > 0:08:48We don't want you letting us down.
0:08:48 > 0:08:52Anton Walbrook played the piano. Warsaw Concerto!
0:08:52 > 0:08:54HE SINGS OPERATICALLY
0:08:54 > 0:08:57HE COUGHS
0:08:57 > 0:08:59Be quiet, Sidney.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02- Fair enough. - Go and put something decent on.
0:09:02 > 0:09:03You can paint the cupboard tomorrow.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06- Oh, good. I AM pleased! - What are you smirking at now?
0:09:06 > 0:09:10Well, it's just, Mother, that I had a little bet at work with Victor,
0:09:10 > 0:09:14- and it seems that I have just won myself- £5. Well, good!
0:09:14 > 0:09:16You can buy the tickets.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19- Mother, please, no, it's not a... - You buy the tickets...- Yes...
0:09:19 > 0:09:22- ..and I'll promise you one thing. - What's that?
0:09:22 > 0:09:25Well, so that you won't get lost in the dark
0:09:25 > 0:09:27when you come out of the big boys' lavatory...
0:09:29 > 0:09:32..I promise to wave.
0:09:32 > 0:09:33Mother, I'm 41. Do you know that?
0:09:35 > 0:09:38Well, look what happened at The Wizard Of Oz.
0:09:38 > 0:09:43You were trotting round the cinema whimpering for 20 minutes.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45I don't know what they must have thought.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48- They must have thought I was a munchkin.- Language, Timothy!
0:09:48 > 0:09:49Shut up, Father!
0:09:49 > 0:09:51- Oh, fair enough. - There we are.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54MUZAK PLAYS
0:09:57 > 0:09:59All right?
0:10:00 > 0:10:02Here we are.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05- Where should we sit?- Well, shouldn't we wait for the usherette?
0:10:05 > 0:10:07They don't have usherettes any more, Mother.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09Well, they did last time, for The Sound Of Music.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11That was 20 years ago!
0:10:11 > 0:10:14Are you sure this is it? It's damn small.
0:10:14 > 0:10:15No, they're all small nowadays.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18They put three little ones where a big one used to be. It's the, er...
0:10:18 > 0:10:21Hello, Norman! How are you?
0:10:21 > 0:10:24I'm just taking the old folks out for a treat, you know?
0:10:24 > 0:10:25- Some tea afterwards! - Timothy!
0:10:25 > 0:10:27Bit of trouble! LAUGHS
0:10:27 > 0:10:32- Yes, Mother?- You're not talking to people in cheaper seats, are you?
0:10:32 > 0:10:35No, Mother, they're all the same price now.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37Goodness me, you'll be asking me where the organ is next!
0:10:37 > 0:10:39Where's the organ?
0:10:40 > 0:10:42They don't have them any... Let's sit down.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45No, that won't do at all. Your father must be on the end.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48You know he can't bend his knee after four o'clock.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51Oh, yes, yes. Can't stick it out. Not like the last time.
0:10:51 > 0:10:55Ice cream lady fell over it. I had to eat 19 Neapolitan tubs.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58- Then you were sick in the ladies! - I didn't ask to go to the ladies,
0:10:58 > 0:11:00Mother, you dragged me in there.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03- Won't you lot sit down?! - Timothy, ask that man to be quiet.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06- No, he is quite right. Why don't we sit down?- Oh, yes, take his part.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09- Well, let's sit down, Mother. - You can do what you like.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11- I'm sitting in this row. - I'll go in first.
0:11:11 > 0:11:15Nonsense! You'll have to climb all over me when you want to do tinkies.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22- "Tinkies", Mother?! - Yes, tinkies!
0:11:22 > 0:11:25Well, there's no need to tell the whole cinema about it, Mother.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27Well, they all do tinkies, too. They're no different.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30No, but they don't shout all over the cinema about it.
0:11:35 > 0:11:36MUZAK FADES OUT
0:11:36 > 0:11:38CARTOON MUSIC PLAYS
0:11:38 > 0:11:41- Good. Comfortable seats. That's new! - CHUCKLES
0:11:41 > 0:11:44Don't fall asleep, Father, will you? Not like the last time.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47You snored your way right through The Greatest Story Ever Told.
0:11:47 > 0:11:51I don't want to miss Gaumont British News this time!
0:11:51 > 0:11:54No, they don't have the Gaumont British News any more. No, look...
0:11:54 > 0:11:56Be quiet, Timothy.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58I'm telling Father all about the Gaumont...
0:11:58 > 0:12:01- Shhh!- Sorry, sorry. - Every time we take you out...
0:12:01 > 0:12:03YOU take ME out, Mother, you take me out?!
0:12:03 > 0:12:06I paid for the tickets, don't forget! £4.50, all my winnings blowed.
0:12:06 > 0:12:10- Shhh!- Oh, shh. - Don't you shush my son.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13He's head of the reference library.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16- Oh, please, Mother, please! - Well, you are!
0:12:16 > 0:12:19I know, I know, but just let's sit and watch the film!
0:12:19 > 0:12:23- Hear, hear, you old bat! - I heard that.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26- Timothy, did you hear that? - Yes, I heard that. "You old bat."
0:12:26 > 0:12:29- What?! Sidney? Sidney! - He's asleep, Mother, he's asleep.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31Wake him up!
0:12:31 > 0:12:32No, no, no, I'm not! I'm...
0:12:38 > 0:12:40SIDNEY CHUCKLES
0:12:41 > 0:12:43TIMOTHY JOINS IN
0:12:43 > 0:12:44Very good!
0:12:47 > 0:12:48Oh, dear!
0:12:52 > 0:12:54This isn't Gone With The Wind!
0:12:54 > 0:12:59- No, Mother, this is a Yugoslav cartoon film.- Oh.
0:12:59 > 0:13:03- Well, in that case, they won't mind if we make a little noise.- What?
0:13:03 > 0:13:06Well, you haven't had any tea. Look!
0:13:06 > 0:13:08Lemon-curd sandwiches.
0:13:10 > 0:13:14- Mother, I don't want lemon-curd sandwiches!- Fresh cut yesterday.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17Mother! I don't want lemon-curd sandwiches, Mother!
0:13:17 > 0:13:19All I want to do is sit here and watch Gone With The Wind,
0:13:19 > 0:13:22- that's all I want to do. - Shush, will you?
0:13:22 > 0:13:23- Oh, shush. - Well, I'm not holding them.
0:13:23 > 0:13:27- Well, I don't want them, Mother. - Yes, you do!- I don't!- For later!
0:13:27 > 0:13:30I don't want them, Mother! Why did you have to come to the cinema, eh?
0:13:30 > 0:13:34Why don't you live somewhere else, like other people's parents do?
0:13:34 > 0:13:37- It's you that lives with us. - Oh, throwing that in my face now?
0:13:37 > 0:13:40- Seen and not heard, Timothy. - Oh, shut up, Father!
0:13:40 > 0:13:43- Don't talk to your father like that. - I can't...- Why don't you get out?
0:13:43 > 0:13:47"Get out"? I am getting out! Anybody want some lemon-curd sandwiches?
0:13:47 > 0:13:50Eh? Goodness me, why did you two meet? Why did you get married?
0:13:50 > 0:13:53I could have been two different people. Isn't it funny?
0:13:53 > 0:13:56I thought I was coming to see a film. I'm not. I'm not. I'm going.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58- I am going.- You mucky beast. Out! - "Mucky beast"?
0:13:58 > 0:14:02- I shall come back tomorrow. Tomorrow is another day!- Out, out!
0:14:11 > 0:14:13Good afternoon.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16Er, sorry. Overslept. HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
0:14:18 > 0:14:22- Had a bit of a row with Mother, too. - Yes, that'll be £5, please.
0:14:22 > 0:14:26Steady. Wait a minute. £5? Steady. I DID go to the cinema.
0:14:26 > 0:14:27I did actually go to the cinema,
0:14:27 > 0:14:30but I didn't see the film because, due to unforeseen...
0:14:30 > 0:14:32Precisely. £5, please.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35No, wait a minute, you said I'd be decorating the cupboard under
0:14:35 > 0:14:36the stairs, but I wasn't doing that.
0:14:36 > 0:14:40I was at the cinema. I won't take £5 from you, of course.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42Naturally, I won't do that, because I didn't see the film, but...
0:14:42 > 0:14:45Quite. You owe me £5.
0:14:46 > 0:14:50I heard the whole story from Norman. It wouldn't surprise me
0:14:50 > 0:14:53if this little incident didn't surface in the pages of the Echo.
0:14:53 > 0:14:54Well, anyway, it's all over now.
0:14:54 > 0:14:58All over the seats, by Norman's account.
0:14:58 > 0:14:59Lemon curd!
0:14:59 > 0:15:05- So, the spondulicks, if you please. - All right, then, Victor, all right.
0:15:05 > 0:15:09But you really ought to give me the chance to get my money back.
0:15:09 > 0:15:14- You ought to.- Timothy, you're pathetic when you grovel.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17- Thanks for the book, Victor. - Oh, Caroline!
0:15:17 > 0:15:21I don't believe you've met my alleged superior, Mr Lumsden.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24- Caroline's just joined the children's library.- Oh!
0:15:24 > 0:15:26How... Oh, dear! HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
0:15:26 > 0:15:29Oh! You're not a Boy Scout, I hope!
0:15:29 > 0:15:32Well, you're not a boy, anyway, I can see that.
0:15:32 > 0:15:33- Well, anybody can. How do you do?- Hello.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36Oh, dear, you've got a very strong...
0:15:36 > 0:15:38Only I injured my hand the other day in a fight. With Mother.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41- And, er...- Oh, I'm sorry. - No, no, it's not that bad.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44Not as bad as when she hit me in the face with a hot-water bottle. Bang!
0:15:46 > 0:15:48- Yes.- Yes.- Well, I must be off.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50See you at coffee time today, Caroline.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52- Carolyn? Caroline? - Caroline.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55I don't think you'll be seeing her at coffee time, today or any day.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58You made a right Horlicks of that.
0:15:58 > 0:16:02I thought I made rather a good impression, to be honest.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06I don't see you ever sitting in the back row with her.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11Strange you say that. That is a challenge.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13And a chance for me to get my money back.
0:16:13 > 0:16:17I'm going to bet you £10 that I will not only not be decorating
0:16:17 > 0:16:19the cupboard under the stairs tonight,
0:16:19 > 0:16:22but I'll be sitting in the cinema with Caroline,
0:16:22 > 0:16:24watching Gone With The Wind.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26You can't give it away fast enough, can you?
0:16:46 > 0:16:47Where have you been?!
0:16:47 > 0:16:49I was in the pub! You weren't here at seven.
0:16:49 > 0:16:53- Oh, I'm sorry. Of course I wasn't. I forgot. I was hiding.- Who from?
0:16:53 > 0:16:55Mother.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57Well, it wasn't Mother, but I thought it was.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59It was the man from the antique shop.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01He's got the same hair as her.
0:17:02 > 0:17:03You won't believe this.
0:17:03 > 0:17:07She only wants me to paint the cupboard under the stairs tonight!
0:17:07 > 0:17:10- I mean, I want to see Gone With The Wind.- Gone With The Wind?
0:17:10 > 0:17:13Oh, that started at seven. We've missed 40 minutes of it.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16- I'm not seeing that. - Oh, well, I want to see it.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18- Well, you go, if you like. - No, no, I've got to see it with you.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21Why don't we go and see Rickshaw Of Blood?
0:17:21 > 0:17:22- It's a great film!- What?
0:17:22 > 0:17:25Bruce Lee meets Christopher Lee.
0:17:25 > 0:17:29- I love horror films. - I don't think it's me.
0:17:29 > 0:17:30We could cuddle up...
0:17:34 > 0:17:38Well, we could, er...cuddle up in Gone With The Wind.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40No, we can't!
0:17:40 > 0:17:43Who's afraid of old Clark Gable? Geriatric yawn-yawn.
0:17:43 > 0:17:47All right, then, make it Rickshaw Of Whatchamacallit, you know,
0:17:47 > 0:17:48and cuddle up.
0:17:48 > 0:17:49It's worth it for a tenner.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51- What do you mean? - What? No, nothing, no.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54No, nothing. Don't worry. It's just a little bet.
0:17:54 > 0:17:59- Erm...- A bet?- What?- You bet someone you'd cuddle me for ten quid?
0:17:59 > 0:18:03- No, not at all!- You nasty little male chauvinist piglet!
0:18:05 > 0:18:07Caroline! Caroline?
0:18:07 > 0:18:10I've got to see this film! Oh...
0:18:10 > 0:18:12Now let me get this right.
0:18:12 > 0:18:16On Thursday, you decided you wanted to see the film.
0:18:16 > 0:18:20Victor bet you £5 you wouldn't, and you didn't.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22But I didn't do the decorating.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25- And you didn't even do the decorating.- No.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28Yesterday, you decided you wanted to see the film again.
0:18:28 > 0:18:32Victor bet you £10 you wouldn't take this girl to it.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34You got your face slapped.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37- Yes. - And you didn't see the film.
0:18:37 > 0:18:38No.
0:18:39 > 0:18:44Therefore, to date, it has cost you £5 plus £10
0:18:44 > 0:18:46plus £4.50 for...
0:18:46 > 0:18:49- Mother and Father to see the film. - Mother and Father to see the film.
0:18:49 > 0:18:50Plus, if you please,
0:18:50 > 0:18:5512 quid for a Chinese dinner to pacify this Caroline girl.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58And you didn't get a cuddle, you got indigestion.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03I think the egg foo young was lying about its age.
0:19:06 > 0:19:11- A total of £31.50. - HE LAUGHS
0:19:11 > 0:19:12You still haven't seen the film
0:19:12 > 0:19:14OR painted the cupboard under the stairs.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16But I've bought a tin of paint.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19£2.20. I forgot about that.
0:19:19 > 0:19:23Plus another £2.20 for paint.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26£33.70!
0:19:26 > 0:19:28It's a bit one-sided, isn't it, Frank, eh?
0:19:28 > 0:19:31Let us look on the credit side. Let us look on the bright side.
0:19:31 > 0:19:35- Let us look at what I have achieved.- Yes?
0:19:40 > 0:19:42Well, there you are, then.
0:19:42 > 0:19:46No, wait a minute, I did see half of a Yugoslav cartoon film.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48- The first half? - No, the top half.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50There was a tall man sitting in front of me.
0:19:52 > 0:19:53Listen, Tim...
0:19:55 > 0:19:56How can I put this?
0:19:57 > 0:19:59When I tapped on the window the other day
0:19:59 > 0:20:01and invited you in for a cup of coffee,
0:20:01 > 0:20:03you didn't come, did you?
0:20:04 > 0:20:05- Er, but I had to...- No.- No.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08But you would have enjoyed it, wouldn't you?
0:20:08 > 0:20:09- Well, it's, er...- Wouldn't you?
0:20:09 > 0:20:11Well, yes, yes, I would have done, yeah.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14So what is it in you that stops you from doing what you want to do?
0:20:14 > 0:20:17Ah, well, I had to go and see about this Indian mushroom...
0:20:17 > 0:20:20- No, no, no, not the paint! - No, no, I...
0:20:20 > 0:20:21I mean in your whole life.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23Yeah...
0:20:23 > 0:20:25Wait a minute, wait a minute.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27Why IS your mother painting the cupboard under the stairs?
0:20:27 > 0:20:30Oh, I'll give you the answer to that one. The meter man.
0:20:30 > 0:20:33- He asked for it to be painted(?) - Not in as many words.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36He sort of looked in the door and went, "Eurgh..."
0:20:36 > 0:20:39- The meter man?- Yes. Well, he might say something to the neighbours.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42The meter man doesn't care what the inside of the cupboard looks like!
0:20:42 > 0:20:46- You're exactly like your mother. - What?! Frank! Oh, come on!
0:20:46 > 0:20:49- Well, always worrying about what people think.- Well...
0:20:49 > 0:20:52Always making things complicated.
0:20:52 > 0:20:56- What is it stops you from doing what you want to do?- Well, I do!
0:20:58 > 0:20:59Do what?
0:20:59 > 0:21:01I do do!
0:21:03 > 0:21:09- I do!- You don't! - Don't what?- Oh, dear!
0:21:09 > 0:21:13- Brandies. Large ones.- Large ones? - Mm.- Goodness me!
0:21:17 > 0:21:22Now, I want you to do one simple thing for me. See if you can do it.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25Will you do one thing for me?
0:21:25 > 0:21:27- Depends. - Yes or no?
0:21:27 > 0:21:28- Well... - Yes or no?
0:21:28 > 0:21:30Well, yes.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33- I suppose.- Don't "suppose". - No, I won't suppose.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36Let's say I don't suppose, I don't suppose.
0:21:36 > 0:21:37- Shut up.- Yes. Right.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39I want you to make a decision
0:21:39 > 0:21:42to put this 50p coin into the lifeboat box...
0:21:43 > 0:21:46- Yes.- ..and then do it. I'll time you.- Right.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50- This 50p. - Yes.- Yes.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54- Into the lifeboat box. - Yes.- Right!
0:21:54 > 0:21:59- Which lifeboat box?- There's only one. - Oh, that lifeboat box.- Yes.- Right.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02- Oh, right. Won't you want this for the cigarette machine?- I don't smoke!
0:22:02 > 0:22:06- No. Good point, good point. Oh, well, I'll put it in, then.- Yes.
0:22:06 > 0:22:10- No sooner said than done. - 40 seconds and counting.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12- Er, why do you want me to do this? - Put it in! Put it in!
0:22:12 > 0:22:15I only want to know, I only want to know! Why? The reason!
0:22:15 > 0:22:18- Because you have decided to do it.- Have I?- Ohhh!
0:22:18 > 0:22:20All right, I'll do it, I'll do it.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22Oh, Timothy!
0:22:22 > 0:22:24Giving away what remains of your diminished fortunes
0:22:24 > 0:22:26to the gallant men in oilskins?
0:22:26 > 0:22:28Most commendable.
0:22:28 > 0:22:32Who have we here? Brother Francis in some distress?
0:22:32 > 0:22:35Shove off, you tedious pillock.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38Oh, Timothy, what charming company you do keep.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41A large pina colada, please, Jean.
0:22:41 > 0:22:45- Oh, what a dingy article you are, Victor.- Hm?
0:22:45 > 0:22:49- You've taken 15 quid off this poor little devil.- All's fair in love...
0:22:49 > 0:22:51I'll tell you what's fair.
0:22:51 > 0:22:55He bets you £33.70 that he goes to see Gone With The Wind tonight.
0:22:55 > 0:22:5933 quid?! I may be a tedious pillock,
0:22:59 > 0:23:00but I'm not a charity.
0:23:02 > 0:23:03On the other hand, I'll take it.
0:23:03 > 0:23:07- Done.- Today is Saturday. It's nearly seven o'clock.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10There's a very long queue and it's a very small cinema,
0:23:10 > 0:23:13so hard fromage to you, mon brave.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15Come on, Tim. We're going to the cinema.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18- We haven't had our drinks. - Drink up.- All right.
0:23:21 > 0:23:25- Come on.- Now?- Yes, now. There's 33 quid on it.- 33?
0:23:25 > 0:23:27PHONE RINGS Hang on, that might be Mother.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30No! Never mind her. We've got to run!
0:23:30 > 0:23:33- I can't run. I might get a stitch. - Oh, shut up!- Sorry, Mother, sorry.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35- Frank, I mean. Sorry. - Go!
0:23:35 > 0:23:3933 quid! Jean, can you order me a minicab?
0:23:44 > 0:23:49- This is it. We're actually going to see it!- Of course we are.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52- Isn't it wonderful?- No, it's not. Anyone can go to the cinema.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54- It's not difficult. - No, of course it is. Of course it is.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56Of course, it's perfectly easy, really.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59- Er, yes?- What? - How many?
0:23:59 > 0:24:02- Oh, it's a good point. Er...- Two!- Two.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04Is there a Mr Lumley here? There's a phone call.
0:24:04 > 0:24:09- No, there isn't. Two, please. - Er, my name's Lumsden.- No, it's not!
0:24:09 > 0:24:11Look, it'll be your mother, you lummox!
0:24:11 > 0:24:13No, it's not Lummox, it's Lumley.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17Weren't you here on Thursday night?
0:24:19 > 0:24:23No, I don't like lemon-curd sandwiches. No, it wasn't me.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25- I think I'd better take it, Frank. - No, ignore him.
0:24:25 > 0:24:29- He's got a thing about the name "Lumsden".- Is it serious?
0:24:29 > 0:24:33Well, it's about your father. You mother says it's synovitis.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36What?! Frank, it's synovitis!
0:24:36 > 0:24:38Synovitis is water on the knee.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41- Oh, is it? - Yes! Your father's always had it.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44He hasn't had a dry knee since 1946. Now come on!
0:24:44 > 0:24:47No, I won't take it, if you don't mind. We're going to see the film.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50Thank you, Frank, for being an extremely good friend
0:24:50 > 0:24:51in my time of need.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53- Thank you.- Shut up. Come and get the tickets.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56One for Gone With The Wind, if you please.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59- You're here. - Well, well, the Dynamic Duo!
0:24:59 > 0:25:01Two for Gone With The Wind, please.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03Sorry, love, it's full.
0:25:05 > 0:25:10- What? We were before him!- Oh, dear, have I taken the last seat?
0:25:10 > 0:25:14Quelle tragedy! Another 33 quid. Very nice!
0:25:16 > 0:25:22You prize buffoon! She's done it again. Your mother...
0:25:22 > 0:25:27- You always fall for it. - Don't be so upset, Frank. Don't be.
0:25:27 > 0:25:31But you've lost the bet! You absolute...
0:25:31 > 0:25:33Lumsden!
0:25:33 > 0:25:36You've lost another 33 quid.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39Still got the 50p.
0:25:42 > 0:25:45- I've still got the 50... - You didn't put it in?
0:25:45 > 0:25:48The little lifeboat wouldn't slide down the chute.
0:25:49 > 0:25:53But we're right up the chute! Oh, my God.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56You didn't even get it in the box.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59Well, I could probably do it tomorrow, couldn't I? Eh?
0:25:59 > 0:26:00Probably.
0:26:00 > 0:26:01I suppose.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05You mustn't worry about things!
0:26:06 > 0:26:10- I first asked you to do this job last November.- Yes, Mother.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14And if I wasn't standing over you now, you wouldn't be doing it.
0:26:14 > 0:26:15No, Mother.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18You'll need a hat.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20You always get the stuff in your hair,
0:26:20 > 0:26:23even when you're only painting the skirting boards.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27Your father's cap will do.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32If you'd made up your mind to do it last November,
0:26:32 > 0:26:35it would probably be done by now.
0:26:35 > 0:26:38Ah, there it is.
0:26:38 > 0:26:42Not that I wouldn't put it past you, Timothy, to think of some reason
0:26:42 > 0:26:45against actually putting the paint on the wall. Now...
0:26:45 > 0:26:47Timothy?