0:00:34 > 0:00:37Timothy! Timmy!
0:00:37 > 0:00:41Oh, surely he's not in the lavvy again!
0:00:41 > 0:00:44Timothy, are you in there?
0:00:44 > 0:00:46Yes, Mother!
0:00:46 > 0:00:49Are you reading?
0:00:49 > 0:00:51Yes, Mother.
0:00:51 > 0:00:56You know what we say in this family about people who read in there?
0:00:58 > 0:01:02As far as you know, people could be waiting.
0:01:02 > 0:01:05People not at all well.
0:01:05 > 0:01:07- Are there?- I'm not telling you.
0:01:09 > 0:01:15- Mum, you're always...- You're not in there!- No, sorry. Shall I go in?
0:01:15 > 0:01:18- Do you need to?- No. - Don't be so silly, then.
0:01:18 > 0:01:24I found Teddy in the dustbin again. I can't imagine who put him there.
0:01:24 > 0:01:29I imagine it was me. I don't need a teddy any more. I'm a big boy.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32I use the same aftershave as Henry Cooper.
0:01:32 > 0:01:38You'll thank me when you have little ones. Teddies don't grow on trees.
0:01:38 > 0:01:45- Mother, I'm sick of seeing him on the linen basket smirking at me. - Timothy, where are you going?
0:01:45 > 0:01:49- Downstairs.- Why?- The rest of the house is down there(!)
0:01:49 > 0:01:53- You're not going anywhere. - I'm sorry, Mother.
0:01:53 > 0:01:59I was hoping to slip under the wire to freedom, disguised as a grown-up.
0:01:59 > 0:02:03You can't go now. Muriel's coming. Anyway, it's four o'clock.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06- Teatime!- We've just had lunch!
0:02:06 > 0:02:08I can't eat any more.
0:02:10 > 0:02:15- Wake up, Sidney.- Ergh...- Hurry up, Timothy. It's on the table.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18Mother, goodness me! Who are we expecting?
0:02:18 > 0:02:21The Vienna boys' choir? Ian Botham?
0:02:21 > 0:02:27If you ate up your tea without a fuss, you might be better at games.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29Now, come on.
0:02:29 > 0:02:34I've got to clean the entire house before your precious sister arrives.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37You don't have to clean up for your daughter!
0:02:37 > 0:02:42I don't want her sliding her finger along the picture rails and sneering.
0:02:42 > 0:02:49It's you that does that. Last time, that's what caused all the trouble, really.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52You tidying up after her. You burnt her sponge bag!
0:02:54 > 0:02:57It was beginning to smell.
0:02:57 > 0:03:01It certainly stank when you burnt it!
0:03:01 > 0:03:06She doesn't like the way you send Father outside to blow his nose.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10Daddy's girl - that's what she is.
0:03:10 > 0:03:15I shall never forget the day she stormed out with her suitcase.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18Give her some credit - she was only three.
0:03:18 > 0:03:24There's a very mule-ish streak in her and she doesn't get it from me.
0:03:24 > 0:03:25Er-er-er.
0:03:27 > 0:03:31That's where her unreasonableness comes from. Don't dunk your crumpet.
0:03:33 > 0:03:38Mother, they're so tough. What are they? Army surplus?
0:03:38 > 0:03:45- It was you that started it by being rude about Kevin.- She started it by marrying him in the first place.
0:03:45 > 0:03:49If you don't believe me, look at this.
0:03:49 > 0:03:53Now... What do you notice, eh?
0:03:53 > 0:03:57I see the tree growing out of the vicar's head.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00Don't be puerile. Look at Kevin.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02Look at his eyes.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05He's got two. What more do you want?
0:04:05 > 0:04:08Look how close together they are.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Well, there's room for his nose.
0:04:10 > 0:04:14And he makes a funny noise when he yawns.
0:04:14 > 0:04:18- You can't get a divorce for that. - She didn't mention divorce, did she?
0:04:18 > 0:04:24No, but if you keep going on at her, she'll stay away for months.
0:04:24 > 0:04:31- Life's too short for quarrels.- She called your mother an "interfering old cow".- Thank you, Sidney.
0:04:31 > 0:04:37Cows are very nice, motherly creatures - they give milk, they've got warm udders...
0:04:37 > 0:04:41We don't mention mammals in this house.
0:04:41 > 0:04:46And I'm not old or interfering. And now she invites herself here!
0:04:46 > 0:04:49- No, you invited HER. - Well, she rang up.
0:04:49 > 0:04:56She was just being friendly. Her train leaves from here and you invited her to spend the night.
0:04:56 > 0:05:01If she thinks I'm going to talk to her, she's got another think coming.
0:05:01 > 0:05:06- But, Mother, you ARE her mother. - Language, Timothy!
0:05:06 > 0:05:10- Go to sleep!- Fair enough!
0:05:10 > 0:05:15You're annoyed she left. You wanted them to have their honeymoon here!
0:05:15 > 0:05:17I could have cooked for them.
0:05:17 > 0:05:24Two weeks of chocolate spread soldiers! O frabjous joy! Callooh! Callay!
0:05:24 > 0:05:27Do you wish to leave the table?
0:05:27 > 0:05:31Mother, I've been wearing long trousers for three years.
0:05:31 > 0:05:37- I can do as I please, mein Kommandant!- Seen, not heard.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39I should have said grace first.
0:05:39 > 0:05:44Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, praise the trolley with the food thereon.
0:05:44 > 0:05:50- Happy smile, happy tummy - thank you Lord, thank you Mummy. - Ti-mo-thy!
0:05:56 > 0:06:01I was telling him all our news - Angus playing school football -
0:06:01 > 0:06:03and he just dozed off.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06You should've talked about compost.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09- Where's Mother?- She's lying down.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12- Is she ill? - No, but you're not talking.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15Well, you are, but she's not.
0:06:15 > 0:06:19- She spoke to me on the phone. - She reconsidered it.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22The "interfering old cow" rankled a bit.
0:06:22 > 0:06:27She got over the "old", didn't mind the "interfering", but the "cow"...
0:06:27 > 0:06:31She is interfering. She suggested Kevin had his eyes looked at.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34Well, they are a bit close together.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37Well, sort of adjacent.
0:06:37 > 0:06:43- What?- What's it got to do with her anyway? I get on very well with Kevin.
0:06:43 > 0:06:48- We see eye to eye on most things. Well, nearly.- Shut up, Timothy!
0:06:52 > 0:06:56- What's happened to this? Hasn't grown since I last saw it.- No.
0:06:56 > 0:07:00Mother talks to it. It's lost the will to live.
0:07:00 > 0:07:04Talks to plants, doesn't talk to her daughter!
0:07:04 > 0:07:11This isn't the same cloth as six months ago? It is - I tore that corner. These are disposable.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14What's that teddy doing in there?
0:07:14 > 0:07:16Just leave him in there smiling.
0:07:16 > 0:07:22- It's not 1980!- Mother's got a thing about pathetic puppies.- No comment.
0:07:22 > 0:07:27It's 15 years since I left this place and nothing's changed.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29And you're the Sleeping Beauty.
0:07:29 > 0:07:33- Thank you very much.- That wasn't supposed to be a compliment, idiot!
0:07:33 > 0:07:36Oh, I'm sorry.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39There now, has that woken you up, Beauty?
0:07:39 > 0:07:45- I AM awake!- What are you doing here? - I like it here.- You don't.- I do!
0:07:45 > 0:07:49- Chinese burn.- No, don't torture me! - Do you like it here?
0:07:49 > 0:07:52Oh, that's the arm I broke.
0:07:52 > 0:07:56- Liar!- The arm YOU broke! I'll stand on your toe.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59- I'll tell Mother.- Ah, Timothy!
0:07:59 > 0:08:01All alone?
0:08:04 > 0:08:07- No, er... What? - All alone in the kitchen?
0:08:07 > 0:08:11- Muriel's here. - We don't know anyone called Muriel.
0:08:11 > 0:08:15Oh, this is your daughter. Can I introduce you?
0:08:15 > 0:08:20You will be changing, won't you, Timothy? And combing your hair?
0:08:20 > 0:08:27There are those among us who look like nuclear disarmers who've been dragged through a hedge backwards.
0:08:27 > 0:08:32They might at least use the mirror. If you would tell Muriel that.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35We don't know anyone called Muriel, Mother.
0:08:35 > 0:08:42I'm not staying here to have her treat me like that. I may as well not be here!
0:08:42 > 0:08:49- I've missed you. We've got a lot to chat about.- Oh, Tim. - We could go down the pub...
0:08:49 > 0:08:50- Ssh!- What?
0:08:50 > 0:08:58- She's probably listening. - No, she may be a monster, but she does not eavesdrop.- Oh, she does!
0:08:58 > 0:09:02- She's outside there, sure as eggs are eggs.- She isn't.- She is!
0:09:02 > 0:09:07After 41 years, Muriel, allow me to know my own mother.
0:09:10 > 0:09:11Oh!
0:09:14 > 0:09:16Nasty draught!
0:09:29 > 0:09:31FATHER SPLUTTERS
0:09:43 > 0:09:47FATHER CLEARS HIS THROAT NOISILY
0:09:47 > 0:09:51Sorry, Father, were you saying something?
0:10:01 > 0:10:04It's nice, this.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06What? Prunes?
0:10:06 > 0:10:08Yes, prunes.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11Yes, prunes.
0:10:11 > 0:10:15Well, not just prunes. I mean, all of us here together.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17Together...
0:10:17 > 0:10:20round the dinner table.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23The first time for six months.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26Eat, drink and be merry, eh, Mum?
0:10:35 > 0:10:38Anyone want some more squash?
0:10:38 > 0:10:41FATHER COUGHS VIOLENTLY
0:10:42 > 0:10:45Sorry, Father.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47Is that yes or no? I wasn't sure.
0:10:47 > 0:10:51Prune went down the wrong way, did it?
0:10:58 > 0:11:01Tinker, tailor, soldier, sailor...
0:11:01 > 0:11:04- Librarian.- Librarian! Ha ha ha!
0:11:05 > 0:11:07Tinker, tail... Very good, that was.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11I thought that was very funny.
0:11:11 > 0:11:16Very funny indeed. Mind you, I've always found you very funny, Muriel.
0:11:16 > 0:11:22We've always had a laugh together. You have a very nice turn of phrase.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26Shall I give you a reading, Mother?
0:11:26 > 0:11:31Tinker, tailor, soldier, sailor, rich man, poor man, beggar man.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33Oh, dear.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36You're going to marry a beggar man.
0:11:36 > 0:11:41- You'll get married in cotton and come home in a wheelbarrow.- Huh!
0:11:41 > 0:11:44The very word. Did you hear that, Muriel?
0:11:44 > 0:11:49- Have you met your daughter?- Yes, thank you.- Oh, I'm getting through.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52Welcome to the land of the living.
0:11:52 > 0:11:56- Timothy! Stroppy!- Sorry, Father.
0:11:56 > 0:12:01- Don't answer back.- This is nice, isn't it? All together.
0:12:01 > 0:12:05- In the bosom of the family. - Language, Timothy!- Sorry.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26Would anybody like to tell a story, perhaps?
0:12:29 > 0:12:31Or I'll start.
0:12:33 > 0:12:38There was a very funny incident at the library, the other day.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40This chap came in...
0:12:40 > 0:12:42Very interesting(!)
0:12:45 > 0:12:48I've not finished. There's a bit more.
0:12:48 > 0:12:54He was a perfectly ordinary chap and he came in, returning two books.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56And...they were overdue.
0:12:56 > 0:13:00Well, actually, they weren't both overdue.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03One was overdue and the other one wasn't.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06And, um...
0:13:07 > 0:13:10Anyway, he came in...
0:13:12 > 0:13:14..and he died!
0:13:22 > 0:13:24Is that all?
0:13:26 > 0:13:28What else do you want him to do?
0:13:28 > 0:13:33He handed in his books and he handed in his marbles!
0:13:33 > 0:13:36- Timothy, we're eating!- I'm sorry.
0:13:36 > 0:13:41I'm spoiling your enjoyment of these beautifully cooked prunes
0:13:41 > 0:13:45by encouraging the family to enjoy some social intercourse.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48MOTHER AND FATHER: Language!
0:13:48 > 0:13:50Oh, dear!
0:13:50 > 0:13:53So ends another meal at the Lumsdens'.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56Total silence.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58Utter misery.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00- Nobody spoke.- I spoke.
0:14:00 > 0:14:03The monster spoke.
0:14:03 > 0:14:07You spoke, Mother, but not to your daughter who is sitting next to you.
0:14:07 > 0:14:12You didn't speak to her and she didn't speak either.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14What sort of family is this, eh?
0:14:14 > 0:14:19Other families smile and laugh. You see them on TV. They eat cornflakes.
0:14:19 > 0:14:24The grandmothers are cuddly. The grandads have kiddies on their laps.
0:14:24 > 0:14:29They romp with kites and spaniels. There are buttercups everywhere.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32- They eat margarine! - WE eat margarine!
0:14:32 > 0:14:36I know, but it doesn't do any good. Look at us!
0:14:36 > 0:14:39It's like the Chamber Of Horrors.
0:14:39 > 0:14:44I'm going somewhere where there's life and companionship.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46I have a woodlouse under my bed.
0:14:47 > 0:14:51If I speak nicely to him, he unrolls,
0:14:51 > 0:14:55which is more than I can say for you lot.
0:14:57 > 0:15:01He's always like this when we have prunes.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15CREAKING
0:15:22 > 0:15:25- SHE SCREAMS - Ooh! I'm sorry, Muriel.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27- Oh, dear.- What are you doing?
0:15:27 > 0:15:31- I thought you were Mother. - I came to get a drink.
0:15:31 > 0:15:37- So did I. I need one.- An evening of torture and never offered a drop.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41Oh, hell! It's locked. Where's the key?
0:15:41 > 0:15:44- She's probably buried it.- Oh, no!
0:15:44 > 0:15:48All is not lost, thanks to light-finger Lumsden,
0:15:48 > 0:15:52hero of the resistance and amateur safe cracksman.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55Remove the hinge pins.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58Ha ha ha! How's that?
0:15:58 > 0:16:02There we are! Mother is the necessity of invention.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06- Scotch?- Yes.- Get yourself a glass.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09Just like the old days, isn't it?
0:16:09 > 0:16:15Remember the club we used to have? What were we called? The Silent Two.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18Do you remember our handshake?
0:16:19 > 0:16:23Back like that, turn round, thumbs... Ha!
0:16:25 > 0:16:29Here we are then, Number Two. That was your rank - Number Two.
0:16:29 > 0:16:32Whoa! Steady on!
0:16:32 > 0:16:37The water's already in. I have to keep it up to Mother's mark.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42She checks it every Christmas.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48Honestly, Tim, just look at you.
0:16:48 > 0:16:52- Stealing drinks in your own home. - Oh, dear.
0:16:52 > 0:16:56- Why don't you leave?- They need me. - Course they don't.
0:16:56 > 0:17:01They do. They never remember to put the bacon rind out for the birds.
0:17:02 > 0:17:06The longer you leave it, the worse it'll be.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09I know what I'm doing. They need my rent.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12- They don't. - And if they're ill?- They're not!
0:17:12 > 0:17:17I've got nothing against living in a penthouse with a model but...
0:17:19 > 0:17:23- It suits me here.- That's nonsense. - It isn't!
0:17:23 > 0:17:26I am the master of the house...
0:17:26 > 0:17:29- FOOTSTEPS - Who's that? Is that Mother?
0:17:29 > 0:17:33- What are you going to do, Lord and Master?- Shut up!
0:17:35 > 0:17:36What?
0:17:37 > 0:17:39Oh! Muriel!
0:17:39 > 0:17:42Do make yourself at home.
0:17:42 > 0:17:47- I am at home, Mother. - Who took that door off?- We both did.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49Oh, no.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51Not you, Muriel.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54You're a sensible, adult person.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57I may not agree with everything you do -
0:17:57 > 0:18:01your clothes, way of life, whom you marry -
0:18:01 > 0:18:05but at least you're not a 41-year-old schoolboy.
0:18:05 > 0:18:09- Timothy! Go to bed!- Yes, Mother.- Tim, you don't have to. It's up to you.
0:18:09 > 0:18:13- Yes, it is up to me. I'll go to bed. - Quick!
0:18:13 > 0:18:19- For God's sake, stand up for yourself!- I'll put my foot down.
0:18:19 > 0:18:23- Nonsense! Up the stairs to Bedfordshire!- That's about right.
0:18:23 > 0:18:28Up the stairs to Bedfordshire. Skin a rabbit. Here comes the sandman.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31Now, look what you've done to him.
0:18:31 > 0:18:37Timothy, are you going to let your sister speak to me like that?
0:18:37 > 0:18:40- No, Mother.- Yes, you are!- Yes, I am.
0:18:40 > 0:18:44I'm going to enjoy my drink. YOU go upstairs.
0:18:44 > 0:18:48- Are you defying me, Timothy?- No, Mother.- Yes, Mother!- Yes, Mother!
0:18:48 > 0:18:50Well!
0:18:50 > 0:18:56I think of what I've done for you two and this is the gratitude I get.
0:18:56 > 0:19:01I've given you everything and now I'm cast aside like an old shoehorn.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04- Shoe, Mother.- What?- SHOE!
0:19:04 > 0:19:06Don't you shoo me!
0:19:06 > 0:19:09 I'll go in my own good time.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12I'm not feeling at all well.
0:19:12 > 0:19:16- Good night, Muriel.- Aren't you saying good night to Timothy?
0:19:16 > 0:19:20We don't know anyone called Timothy here.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22DOOR SLAMS
0:19:28 > 0:19:34Look, I'm leaving at 6:30 in the morning to catch the London train.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37You come as well. Leave this place.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41- For good?- For ever.
0:19:41 > 0:19:46No... I mean... What about...? I've got all my stuff, you see.
0:19:46 > 0:19:51I've got two tea chests full of the Meccano magazine, all marked out.
0:19:51 > 0:19:56Forget about your Dinky Toys. Do you want to spend your life here?
0:19:56 > 0:20:01- She'll never say yes.- She won't say anything. She'll be asleep.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08BIRDS SING
0:20:12 > 0:20:14I've done it!
0:20:14 > 0:20:17- I'm free!- Come on.- Timothy!
0:20:17 > 0:20:19- It's Mother.- Never mind her.
0:20:19 > 0:20:23- Timothy!- I'll nip back. - Don't go!- One minute!
0:20:23 > 0:20:26One minute!
0:20:29 > 0:20:32FOOTSTEPS ON STAIRS
0:20:36 > 0:20:39- What is it, Mother?- I heard a noise.
0:20:39 > 0:20:43I'm not feeling well. Could you get me my medicine?
0:20:43 > 0:20:48Yes, Mother. I'm in a bit of a rush but I'll get it. That's it.
0:20:48 > 0:20:52- There.- Why are you up early? Why are you dressed like that?
0:20:52 > 0:20:57I'm going jogging with Muriel. I'm seeing her to the station. Goodbye.
0:20:57 > 0:21:01See you someday...soon. In a moment, probably.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04FOOTSTEPS ON STAIRS
0:21:10 > 0:21:12All OK. Geronimo!
0:21:12 > 0:21:14- Timothy!- Now what?
0:21:14 > 0:21:19- It's Mummy. Are you coming or not? - I forgot to give her a kiss.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22Ye gods and little fishes!
0:21:22 > 0:21:26FOOTSTEPS ON STAIRS
0:21:29 > 0:21:34- What?- You forgot the spoon for the medicine.- It's in the kitchen.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37- What's going on?- Ooh!
0:21:37 > 0:21:40CRASH! BANG! WALLOP!
0:21:46 > 0:21:49- Are you all right?- Yes, I think so.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52- Into the taxi.- Taxi? What Taxi? - Come on!
0:22:04 > 0:22:08- We'll only just make it. - You'll be all right.
0:22:08 > 0:22:13- Frank, what are you doing driving a taxi?- One of my many talents.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16- I think I can shake them off.- Who?
0:22:16 > 0:22:18God, it's Mother and Father!
0:22:18 > 0:22:25- You wanted her to chase after you. That's why you woke her up.- What?
0:22:25 > 0:22:27Not good enough, Timothy!
0:22:27 > 0:22:31- Frank, do something! Faster! Warp speed.- Right.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS
0:22:58 > 0:23:01- Excuse me.- Victor! - Have you got a ticket?
0:23:01 > 0:23:06You're a librarian, not a ticket collector.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08WHISTLE BLOWS
0:23:08 > 0:23:11This is only valid for non-fiction books.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19Come on!
0:23:20 > 0:23:23- 'Scuse me.- Come on! Come on!
0:23:24 > 0:23:26I can't!
0:23:26 > 0:23:30- Come on!- Sorry. Sorry.
0:23:30 > 0:23:34- Grab hold of this.- Muriel! Muriel!
0:23:34 > 0:23:37Moooo!
0:23:49 > 0:23:51Moooo.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54- Moo?- He thinks he's a cow.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57Muriel! Muriel!
0:23:57 > 0:24:00She's gone to London, dear.
0:24:00 > 0:24:05She wanted to stay and make sure you were all right but I packed her off.
0:24:05 > 0:24:10- Where am I? Where am I? - In your own little bed.- What?
0:24:10 > 0:24:13Yes. You slipped on the stairs.
0:24:13 > 0:24:17You fell down and broke your crown.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19I don't want to be here... Ooh!
0:24:19 > 0:24:21You stay here.
0:24:21 > 0:24:25- I'll look after you. - I thought you were ill.
0:24:25 > 0:24:30We can't both be ill, can we? I'm feeling a lot better.
0:24:30 > 0:24:35Now, you lie absolutely still. The doctor's on his way.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37I'm going downstairs
0:24:37 > 0:24:42and while I'm away, I've asked Teddy to look after you.
0:24:44 > 0:24:47Teddy will be Mummy, won't you, Teddy?
0:24:48 > 0:24:50There!
0:25:00 > 0:25:02DOOR SLAMS
0:25:06 > 0:25:08Teddy will be Mummy.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28Ow!
0:25:28 > 0:25:30Mother!
0:25:30 > 0:25:32Mummy!
0:25:54 > 0:25:59Subtitles by Jayne Mackinnon and Emma Driffill, BBC - 1999