0:00:51 > 0:00:54Postman's Knock... Postman's Knock...
0:00:54 > 0:00:56Ah, Postman's Knock!
0:00:56 > 0:01:00See Salesman's Knock, page 22.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06Salesman's Knock.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09In this advanced version of Postman's Knock,
0:01:09 > 0:01:12the salesman may ask for more than just a kiss.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15He may possibly...
0:01:20 > 0:01:22And if he feels that he can...
0:01:26 > 0:01:28HE CHUCKLES
0:01:29 > 0:01:31Oh, dear, I, er...
0:01:31 > 0:01:34Oh, my word, we'll play that! HE CHUCKLES
0:01:37 > 0:01:41Salesman's Knock, that's a must. There we are. And, now, here we are.
0:01:41 > 0:01:42Pilchards.
0:01:44 > 0:01:48Advanced version and adult version of Sardines.
0:01:50 > 0:01:55In which the most extraordinary mix-ups can occur. See frontispiece.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04Whose leg is that?
0:02:05 > 0:02:08Frank, oh, dear, what a fright, Frank.
0:02:08 > 0:02:12169 Games For Swinging Parties. You randy little stoat.
0:02:12 > 0:02:16Oh. Stoat, perhaps. Little, I grant you. But randy? No.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19Well, perhaps now and again.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22- Still, you wouldn't mind being him, would you?- Mm!
0:02:22 > 0:02:24Or him.
0:02:25 > 0:02:26Or even those three.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30Wait a minute, that number of legs doesn't divide by two!
0:02:32 > 0:02:35No, it's for the, er, the party, Saturday, you know.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38You've got your, er, invitation?
0:02:38 > 0:02:39Yeah, I got it this morning, thanks.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42"At home. Bring a bottle." It didn't say it was an orgy.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44I know. but who can tell where things will go with
0:02:44 > 0:02:47a house full of young and attractive people like you and me, hey?
0:02:47 > 0:02:49Well, you're young and I'm attractive.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53Well, things won't go at all with your mother around.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56Ah! But she won't be around, you see. It's their wedding anniversary.
0:02:56 > 0:03:01So I've given them a present of a British Rail winter break weekend
0:03:01 > 0:03:05- in Cromer where they had their honeymoon.- Cromer?
0:03:05 > 0:03:08Second honeymoon. Irresistible.
0:03:08 > 0:03:09But it's February.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11Well, the aquarium might be closed, true.
0:03:11 > 0:03:15Well, I mean, at least Father's nose won't get blistered.
0:03:15 > 0:03:16It's on the east coast!
0:03:16 > 0:03:19I mean, the wind comes straight up the Steppes of Asia. They'll die.
0:03:19 > 0:03:23They can stay in the hotel, can't they? There's a sauna there.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26Father can have a massage. For old time's sake.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29- That'll kill him even quicker. - Then it's worth it.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32I've ordered a barrel of beer. Trusty old Ten X.
0:03:32 > 0:03:33Pint of that and I'm anybody's.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35Two pints and you're nobody's!
0:03:35 > 0:03:36Nobody's fool, Frank.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39Just think, just think. We'll have all our friends there.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42The coats in the front bedroom, I thought. Cider cup in the kitchen.
0:03:42 > 0:03:43Smoochy music, you know.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46Everly Brothers, Dennis Lotis, something like that.
0:03:47 > 0:03:51Crepe crimson paper over the lights. Almost total darkness.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54- And Veronica Straddles. - Now, wait a minute.- Oh, come on!
0:03:54 > 0:03:58I can read you like a book. Yeah, a book of adult games too.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01All you're after is getting Veronica Straddles in the cupboard
0:04:01 > 0:04:03while the rest of us count up to a million.
0:04:04 > 0:04:08I happen to think that Veronica Straddles, if you're interested,
0:04:08 > 0:04:11is a very nice, thinking sort of girl.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14Her IQ's three less than her chest measurement.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18She's a delicious, lovely girl with a faraway look in her eyes.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20Yeah, she's trying to see where her chest stops.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22Oh, please, Frank! Goodness.
0:04:22 > 0:04:26Hey. Which one of these is the postman?
0:04:26 > 0:04:28The one being bitten by the dog.
0:04:28 > 0:04:29Well, I'll be there.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31But if your mother ever finds out
0:04:31 > 0:04:33there's a chance of you enjoying yourself...
0:04:34 > 0:04:36Look, she won't find out, don't you see?
0:04:36 > 0:04:39All the RSVPs are coming to the library.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42The food I shall organise after they've gone.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45The beer arrives at midday. It is foolproof.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49Famous Last Words. Now, who put that there?
0:04:52 > 0:04:55HE TAKES RASPING BREATHS
0:05:00 > 0:05:03Please don't make that breathing noise, Sidney.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06- It's only me breathing. - Do you have to?
0:05:06 > 0:05:07I was breathi...
0:05:09 > 0:05:12- I was breathing when we first met. - That day? Huh!
0:05:13 > 0:05:17To think that Captain Bostock was about to propose to me.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19Ah, what a husband he'd have made.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21Pity he didn't.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24You'd have no trouble with breathing there. He's dead.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28- He's still more lively than you are. - Fair enough.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30DOOR SHUTS Hello!
0:05:30 > 0:05:33Oh, here he is at last. Is that you, Timothy?
0:05:33 > 0:05:36- Yes, it is, Mummikins! - Mummikins?
0:05:36 > 0:05:41- What's going on?- He's been much too nice the last few days.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44- Have you wiped your feet? - Yes, Mother. Wiped my feet.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47Nose newly blown. Fingernails scrubbed.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50Hah. I can't vouch for my belly button.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53There's no need to be lavatorial.
0:05:54 > 0:05:58Lavatorial? Belly button, Mother? You must know something I don't.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00It's the lowest form of wit.
0:06:00 > 0:06:04Are we having the junket again? Or has the National Trust taken it over?
0:06:06 > 0:06:08A lot of sweat went into that junket.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11Ah, that's what it was, was it? I didn't...
0:06:11 > 0:06:14I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Mother. I'm sorry.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17Yum-yum, Mummikins, lovely lunch.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19Junket notwithstanding. Who's a sweet mummy?
0:06:21 > 0:06:25Why are you sucking up to me, Timothy?
0:06:25 > 0:06:28- You're so unlike yourself. - I am not a bit unlike myself.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30I'm identical to myself. This is me, isn't it?
0:06:30 > 0:06:32Do try to be adult, please, Timothy.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35Sorry, Mother. Mummikins, I mean. Hah.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37Oh, dear. Well.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40Do you know what, I was reading a book today in the library.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Very interesting.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45Which said that Cromer has the most invigorating February climate
0:06:45 > 0:06:48in the whole of Eastern Europe, yes.
0:06:48 > 0:06:52From a sunshine point of view, it knocks Bratislava into a cocked hat.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55Do you know, going east from Cromer,
0:06:55 > 0:06:58- the next bit of high land is the Urals.- Be quiet, Sidney!
0:07:00 > 0:07:04- Other people want to talk sometimes. - Fair enough.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06I'm afraid I've been thinking about Cromer.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08Your father doesn't want to go.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10- Why not? Why not, Father? - Why not what?
0:07:10 > 0:07:13- You don't want to go to Cromer, do you?- Don't I?
0:07:13 > 0:07:15It's his knee. And the wind.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18He's got his charcoal biscuits, I mean, what's...
0:07:18 > 0:07:21- No! The east wind!- Oh, I see.
0:07:21 > 0:07:22- PHONE RINGS - Who can that be?
0:07:22 > 0:07:27- The east wind, Mother? That is the warm one, you know.- Don't be silly.
0:07:28 > 0:07:32Why don't you want to go, it's a present, a treat from me?
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Second honeymoon.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37To tell the truth, Timothy, the first one was no great shakes.
0:07:38 > 0:07:42What do you mean? Consummation-wise? Or otherwise-wise?
0:07:42 > 0:07:43I mean, what do you mean?
0:07:43 > 0:07:46There was barbed wire all over the front.
0:07:46 > 0:07:47Mother's front?
0:07:49 > 0:07:51No, the prom. Hitler swept into Europe.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53Well, he won't be doing that this time.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55That was the phoney war, of course,
0:07:55 > 0:07:58before your mother really got stuck into me.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02Funny thing, you know, honeymoon hotel, down there,
0:08:02 > 0:08:06in the refuge room, sitting there in the dark, holding hands.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09- Kissing and cuddling. - What, in a gas mask?
0:08:10 > 0:08:13Well. Cromer is totally out of the question.
0:08:13 > 0:08:17That was your sister on the telephone. Yet another bombshell.
0:08:17 > 0:08:22- She's not talking to her husband. - Oh, well, they're always not talking.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25There's never a time when they're not not talking.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27They like doing things together, don't they?
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Now they're not talking together, so, there.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31Trust you to take her part.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34Now, mind out, it's hot. The plate, not the food.
0:08:34 > 0:08:35Oh. Hah!
0:08:35 > 0:08:38The plate. Well, it's a start, I suppose.
0:08:38 > 0:08:42- I'm sorry. Lovely, lovely, yum-yum, Mummikins.- Don't mummikins me!
0:08:42 > 0:08:46I'm not going anywhere when my daughter needs me.
0:08:46 > 0:08:50Mother, your daughter doesn't need you. She can come here, stay with me.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53I'll look after her. She can help with the refreshments.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55- Refreshments, the mints, for the party.- What party?
0:08:55 > 0:08:59Well... The... Social Democrat Party, Mother.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04The middle-of-the-road party, dear.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07Having a party in the middle of the road, I'm certainly not going.
0:09:07 > 0:09:13- Are your insides working properly? - Mother, you have to go to Cromer.
0:09:13 > 0:09:18Please, for my sake. I mean, it's the queen of the Norfolk Riviera.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21You know. They've even got a digital floral clock.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23The last time I left you and Muriel together,
0:09:23 > 0:09:26you took off your bus conductor outfits
0:09:26 > 0:09:29and ran round the garden in your birthday suits.
0:09:29 > 0:09:33Well, that's 30-odd years ago, mother. We won't be doing that now.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36Good heavens, we know all about the human body now.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39Well, Muriel does, I've got a rough idea.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43Cromer's such a long way.
0:09:43 > 0:09:47I have a surprise for you, Mother! To speed you on your way. A present.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50Your food's on the table. Is nothing sacred?
0:09:50 > 0:09:53Mother, there we are. Now, look at this.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55Happy anniversary, Mother!
0:09:55 > 0:09:57- And, of course, to you, Father. - Mind the junket!- Never mind.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00What do you think, Mother? Never mind the junket.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04Is it a video game?
0:10:05 > 0:10:07Mother, it's a foot scraper.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09You put your foot in there, you see, and you scrape.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11Not on the table, Timothy, please.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14- No other house in the road has got a foot scraper.- No. I can see why.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17Aren't I going to hear a, "Thank you, Timothy," at all?
0:10:17 > 0:10:21Well. I suppose we can find a use for it.
0:10:21 > 0:10:22There is a use for it, Mother. You scrape...
0:10:22 > 0:10:24It's a flaming foot scraper!
0:10:24 > 0:10:27- Language, Timothy! - I'm sorry, Father.
0:10:27 > 0:10:32- Well, come on, get the silly gubbins out of here.- Silly gubbins?
0:10:32 > 0:10:35Silly gubbins? This is the executive model, Mother.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37Honestly, it's always the same. Every time I buy you...
0:10:37 > 0:10:39I might as well take it straight to the jumble
0:10:39 > 0:10:41and cut out the middleman.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44I'm not going to Cromer if you're going to be rude.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Mummikins.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48I'm sorry. Look, I've got a very good idea.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51I shall take it, put it outside the door, you see.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54And, when you return from Cromer, you will be the first person to use it.
0:10:54 > 0:10:58And, you see, every time you scrape your feet, you'll think of me.
0:11:00 > 0:11:04- What is he up to?- Well, this won't fix the forsythia back on the wall.
0:11:04 > 0:11:08Oh, yes, get back in the garden. Leave me to do the washing up.
0:11:08 > 0:11:09- I'll give you a hand? - No, thank you.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12I don't want you under my feet, with Muriel coming.
0:11:15 > 0:11:16DOOR SLAMS
0:11:17 > 0:11:21- Just going to stick the forsythia. - Language, father.- Sorry, Timothy.
0:11:21 > 0:11:22TIMOTHY CHUCKLES
0:11:22 > 0:11:24- Fair enough. - Oh, dear.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28Ah, dear, I've put it outside, it looks terrific.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30I think it's going to add value to the house myself.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33Your macaroni's gone stiff, quite stiff.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38I shall have to get you a steak knife.
0:11:38 > 0:11:39SIDNEY SCREAMS, METAL CLANGS
0:11:39 > 0:11:41What was that? Was it the cat?
0:11:41 > 0:11:45Not unless it's doing impressions of Father, no.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48My God, he's probably fallen on the foot scraper, Mother!
0:11:48 > 0:11:49Father!
0:11:51 > 0:11:52Father!
0:11:54 > 0:11:57- Sidney, get up, it's damp. - He can't get up.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00He can't be dead. He's only just got his bus pass.
0:12:00 > 0:12:04Mother, a bus pass is not a guarantee of immortality.
0:12:04 > 0:12:05Stop showing off.
0:12:05 > 0:12:09- It's all right. He's only unconscious.- Well, shake him.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13You can't shake him, Mother, he's hit his head on the wheelbarrow.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16He fell over that thing of yours. That's what he did.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18It's going straight to the jumble.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21- We shall have to call an ambulance. - An ambulance?
0:12:21 > 0:12:23What will the neighbours say?
0:12:24 > 0:12:27It's that dreadful Winford person.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33Can I help you at all?
0:12:33 > 0:12:36- Is he all right? - He often does this.
0:12:36 > 0:12:40Just minding his own business. Thank you.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44Common little man.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47I'll dial 999, you take his head.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50- And I'll get a cushion. - No need. This'll do.
0:12:50 > 0:12:54Not bloody gravel, Mother.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56- Language, Timothy. - Sorry, Father, sorry.
0:12:56 > 0:13:01- Oh, where am I? Oh, oh, my head. - HE GRUNTS
0:13:01 > 0:13:03Did he hit his head?
0:13:03 > 0:13:06Are you suggesting he's drunk?
0:13:06 > 0:13:10- No, no, not at all.- Good.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13- Get on with your digging. - SIDNEY GROANS
0:13:13 > 0:13:16Oh, Sidney.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19You always have to be the centre of attention, don't you?
0:13:30 > 0:13:34They're taking their time, these ambulance people. 20 minutes!
0:13:34 > 0:13:36I know, he could have had a baby by now.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38You don't get pregnant falling over a scraper.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41What about that woman at number 22?
0:13:41 > 0:13:44That was that dreadful jobbing gardener. Common knowledge!
0:13:44 > 0:13:47This is all a damn waste of time. I'm getting inside.
0:13:47 > 0:13:48You're not going anywhere.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50And when they come, lie down properly.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55It's goodbye to Cromer, then.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58- What?- Well, your father's concussed.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01- His mind's wandering. - Well, it always is, Mother.
0:14:01 > 0:14:05- It's his mind that should have the bus pass.- Language, Timothy.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08- Sorry, Father.- Well, I'm not going on a second honeymoon
0:14:08 > 0:14:09with him concussed.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13He was only partly conscious the first time.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17He's all right, he's all right.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19ENGINE APPROACHES
0:14:19 > 0:14:21Yes, here it is! This is the place. We...
0:14:24 > 0:14:27They've sent a brewery lorry!
0:14:27 > 0:14:28Outrageous!
0:14:28 > 0:14:31I don't want it now, I want it on Saturday!
0:14:31 > 0:14:32Don't we all, mate?
0:14:32 > 0:14:35Wasn't there anything written on the instructions?
0:14:35 > 0:14:37What, all this palaver?
0:14:37 > 0:14:40One minipin Ten X. Park round the corner.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43Leave barrel in hedge. Knock three times. If mother answers, run away.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46Yes! And on Saturday!
0:14:46 > 0:14:48It won't settle in time. It's got to be today.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51SIREN Oh... Hang on!
0:14:53 > 0:14:57- Come on!- You don't have to lie him down, Mother, they'll understand. They'll understand.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59You'll hurt him, you'll hurt him!
0:14:59 > 0:15:02It doesn't matter, he's going to hospital anyway!
0:15:02 > 0:15:04- Leave him alone.- He's my husband!
0:15:04 > 0:15:06I've got the secateurs in my back.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08Don't worry, I've seen a lot worse than that.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11- It's not me, it's him!- I'm all right.
0:15:11 > 0:15:12Well, who is the patient?!
0:15:12 > 0:15:14- Not me!- Nor me!
0:15:14 > 0:15:16HE LAUGHS
0:15:16 > 0:15:18And you can mind your own business!
0:15:18 > 0:15:19Right-oh.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22Have we been dragged all the way up here for nothing?
0:15:22 > 0:15:24Yes, you have. Classic!
0:15:24 > 0:15:26Nobody's even hurt! HE LAUGHS
0:15:26 > 0:15:27Argh!
0:15:30 > 0:15:31THEY LAUGH
0:15:31 > 0:15:35He - he - he put the fork right through his foot!
0:15:36 > 0:15:38So they took him to hospital.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40THEY LAUGH
0:15:40 > 0:15:42HE COUGHS AND WHEEZES
0:15:42 > 0:15:46Steady, Dad! Steady. They told you to take it easy.
0:15:46 > 0:15:47I haven't laughed so much
0:15:47 > 0:15:51since your mother drove off with the wheel lock on.
0:15:52 > 0:15:57She went round and round six times before she noticed!
0:15:59 > 0:16:01TIMOTHY LAUGHS
0:16:03 > 0:16:06HE LAUGHS UPROARIOUSLY
0:16:10 > 0:16:12- What are you laughing at?- Nothing.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17Just thought it must be funny, that's all.
0:16:17 > 0:16:18Was it funny at all?
0:16:18 > 0:16:21- Are you taking the mickey, Timothy? - No, no, not at all.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23- Mother says you've got to go and make the tea.- Why me?
0:16:23 > 0:16:25Well, I don't know why you, why you.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27I mean, she's worried about something.
0:16:27 > 0:16:31- We were having a jolly good laugh. - That's what she's worried about.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35Ah. Well, Father, eh?
0:16:35 > 0:16:38All set for Cromer, are you?
0:16:38 > 0:16:42Oh, yes. That bang on the head brought it all back, you know?
0:16:42 > 0:16:45What, the macaroni cheese, you mean?
0:16:45 > 0:16:47- No, the memories.- Oh, the memories.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50I think you're old enough to hear this now.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52- How old are you, by the way? - I'm 41, father.
0:16:54 > 0:16:58The thing is, you see, there was an occasion in my marriage
0:16:58 > 0:17:00that I almost stumbled.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02Stumbled?
0:17:02 > 0:17:05What, do you mean on VJ night when they rolled you home in an oil drum?
0:17:05 > 0:17:07No, stumbled -
0:17:07 > 0:17:10strayed with another woman.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12Good Lord, Father!
0:17:12 > 0:17:13Goodness me.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15Still, I suppose...
0:17:17 > 0:17:19Natural enough, I suppose.
0:17:19 > 0:17:23You know, the magic sort of falls away, I suppose. When was this?
0:17:23 > 0:17:25Second night of the honeymoon.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30HE MOUTHS
0:17:30 > 0:17:32Your mother was being playful.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36Playful?
0:17:36 > 0:17:37Mother?
0:17:39 > 0:17:41I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I don't understand. What do you mean?
0:17:41 > 0:17:43She locked me out.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46So I had to talk my way round the girl on the desk
0:17:46 > 0:17:48to sleep on the billiard table.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51Doris was her name.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54She came to tuck me in, and the money ran out on the lights.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Don't tell your mother, will you?
0:17:58 > 0:18:00Oh, no, no. About the lights, you mean?
0:18:00 > 0:18:04No, no, no - that nothing happened!
0:18:04 > 0:18:06Well, wouldn't she be pleased?
0:18:06 > 0:18:09Heavens, Timothy, you know nothing at all about marriage, do you?
0:18:09 > 0:18:12I mean, your mother doesn't want her friends to think that
0:18:12 > 0:18:16she's married some person that no other woman would look at.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18If we go to Cromer,
0:18:18 > 0:18:21I might meet Doris again!
0:18:23 > 0:18:26And nothing might happen again!
0:18:28 > 0:18:29Exactly!
0:18:29 > 0:18:33Got to keep them on hot coals, Timothy!
0:18:33 > 0:18:35Not just a pretty face, you know.
0:18:35 > 0:18:36No, no, I can see. No.
0:18:38 > 0:18:42Which of these 11 bottles of milk am I supposed to use first?
0:18:42 > 0:18:45The one that's just going off. You know the one. I'll get it.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47Four sugars, Father?
0:18:47 > 0:18:50Got to watch the weight. Three and a bit.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56Oh, dear, dear, dear.
0:18:56 > 0:18:57This, um...
0:18:59 > 0:19:00That's it.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03This Kevin and you not talking, you know -
0:19:03 > 0:19:05it's not serious, is it? Because, I mean, I don't want...
0:19:05 > 0:19:09I don't want Mother and Father to miss this holiday.
0:19:09 > 0:19:10They need a break.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13You know, there is a funny smell in this kitchen.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15Well, there always was.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18I remember when Mother changed your nappy in here
0:19:18 > 0:19:20it was like a breath of fresh air.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23Oh, my God, what's this?
0:19:23 > 0:19:26- It's the wasp trap.- It's February!
0:19:26 > 0:19:28- Well, the winter wasps are the worst, you know.- Ugh.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31Honestly, where would you start in this place?
0:19:31 > 0:19:35- Well, you wouldn't, would you? Unless you wanted your head examined. How is Kevin, by the way?- What?
0:19:35 > 0:19:38Are you trying to say that my husband needs his head examined?
0:19:38 > 0:19:41No, no, no. All I'm saying is don't go on a great deal, will you,
0:19:41 > 0:19:43about Kevin and you not talking.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46Otherwise they will never go to Cromer, don't you see?
0:19:46 > 0:19:48What is so important about Cromer?
0:19:48 > 0:19:49Well, it's just that, you know,
0:19:49 > 0:19:53- having this party on Saturday... - Oh, I see!- No, no, you're invited!
0:19:53 > 0:19:54You're invited.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56Oh, dear, do you remember...
0:19:56 > 0:19:58HE CHUCKLES
0:19:58 > 0:20:01Do you remember when we used to play Murder In The Dark?
0:20:01 > 0:20:04At the Routledge's? THEY LAUGH
0:20:04 > 0:20:08Yes, I do. And you used to murder that awful Priscilla every time.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10- I know.- Even when you were the detective.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16Oh, dear! Oh, Priscilla.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18Mind you, it was mutual.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23- And what is her name this time? - Sorry, what?- Mm?- Veronica.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25Not Veronica Straddles?
0:20:27 > 0:20:29Possibly, possibly. SHE SIGHS
0:20:29 > 0:20:32Honestly, Tim, can't you pick on someone your own size?
0:20:32 > 0:20:33DOORBELL RINGS
0:20:33 > 0:20:35There is no-one my own size!
0:20:38 > 0:20:40I'll get it, mother!
0:20:43 > 0:20:44About time, an' all.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47- MOTHER:- Who is it? - Hang on! Hang on.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51It's nobody, Mother. It's just the wind.
0:20:51 > 0:20:52Ringing the doorbell?
0:20:52 > 0:20:55The foot scraper fell against the bell.
0:20:57 > 0:20:58Muriel.
0:20:58 > 0:21:01- Muriel, will you get under the table and do something interesting?- What?
0:21:01 > 0:21:04- Go under the table, burst into tears, anything. Just...- What?!
0:21:04 > 0:21:06- Please, for me!- Oh, Timothy!
0:21:08 > 0:21:11Mother, you're not going to believe this, but Muriel, your daughter,
0:21:11 > 0:21:14is in the kitchen, under the table,
0:21:14 > 0:21:16- crying her eyes out.- What?!- Yes.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19She'll lift the lino tiles!
0:21:25 > 0:21:28- Look, do you want this beer or don't you?- Yes, come in, quickly.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31- Mother, come on.- Mother? How old are you?- Never mind that.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33- Well, where do you want it? - Under the stairs.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35Yeah, don't we all, mate?
0:21:35 > 0:21:38- In there. On the table.- No, no, it'll roll. I'll have to get the cradle.
0:21:38 > 0:21:42- No, no, don't get the cradle. Just put it on the top of the table and we'll cover it up.- It'll roll.
0:21:42 > 0:21:46I shall wedge it with a pair of Father's brothel creepers.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49Completely uncrept in, of course.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53When you think about it, that's what you need with beer, isn't it?
0:21:53 > 0:21:55- What's that?- Pumps. Get it? Pumps.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58- Ha-ha. Yes, all right, come on. Mother...- Um...
0:21:58 > 0:21:59I did have to come round twice.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01It is customary to show your appreciation.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04Well, I'm very, very appreciative.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07Really, I am. Very appreciative.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10- Doubly.- Er, no, no, no. Something more than that.
0:22:10 > 0:22:11- All right, then.- Get off!
0:22:13 > 0:22:15I didn't know what you meant! You said something more.
0:22:15 > 0:22:19- Well, like a quid.- Oh, well, that's... I mean, I've just... See what I've got.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21Oh, that's very nice. A fiver, thanks very much.
0:22:21 > 0:22:22Wait a minute, I was expecting some change!
0:22:22 > 0:22:25- No, no, we're not allowed to carry any money on us, sir.- Oh, I see.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28Will you be able to find your own way back to your Rolls-Royce?
0:22:28 > 0:22:30Now, now, now. I should tell your mother on you.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33From the first moment that monster of a husband of yours
0:22:33 > 0:22:36entered this house, I knew it. I thought to myself,
0:22:36 > 0:22:39that lout's eyes are too close together.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41Not the eyes again!
0:22:42 > 0:22:43There we are.
0:22:43 > 0:22:44Hello!
0:22:44 > 0:22:47- Leave the room, Timothy. The adults are talking.- Oh.
0:22:50 > 0:22:51Wait a minute.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53- I am an adult, aren't I? - This is all your fault!
0:22:53 > 0:22:55Oh, yes, blame your brother.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58Anything but see that Kevin monster for what he is.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00Crying under the table
0:23:00 > 0:23:03when your so-called husband is off gallivanting.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05- He is fishing.- Fishing be jiggered!
0:23:06 > 0:23:08He's philandering.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11Mother! Kevin wouldn't go philandering.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13- His eyes are far too close together. - Shut up!
0:23:15 > 0:23:17- Men! - SHE SCOFFS
0:23:17 > 0:23:19They're all the same.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21They can't stop themselves.
0:23:21 > 0:23:24Your father at Cromer.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27I had to lock myself in the bathroom.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29He would not stop pestering me.
0:23:29 > 0:23:30Father?!
0:23:30 > 0:23:33And when a decent girl tries to keep herself to herself,
0:23:33 > 0:23:36they're off after some receptionist floozy.
0:23:36 > 0:23:37Receptionist?!
0:23:37 > 0:23:40Kevin's inherited it from Sydney.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43- They're not related! - That's not the point!
0:23:43 > 0:23:46Mother, Kevin is not off with some other woman.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48He's gone off with his tin of maggots.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50He's got his camouflage jacket on by now.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52And his great big waders up to here, you know.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54Or up to here in my case.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57My own daughter,
0:23:57 > 0:24:00seduced and abandoned.
0:24:00 > 0:24:01Oh, God!
0:24:01 > 0:24:04- Seduced, yes, but not abandoned. Not yet.- Oh, thank you, Timothy!
0:24:04 > 0:24:08Well, I'm not going to Cromer under these circumstances.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10Stop doing that!
0:24:10 > 0:24:12Look, I will go and fetch Kevin, Mother,
0:24:12 > 0:24:14and we can speak to him man-to-man. That is the best thing.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17- Now, where did you say he was? - Berwick Ponds.- Where is that?
0:24:17 > 0:24:20- Just this side of Yeovil. - That's too far. You can't go.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23Look, I'm not having your holiday in Cromer ruined by a misunderstanding.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25I shall go and fetch Kevin, and rest assured,
0:24:25 > 0:24:28I shall not come back emptyhanded.
0:24:28 > 0:24:29Timothy!
0:24:29 > 0:24:33You'll never gets him to come. Fishing is his favourite thing.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36Honestly, it's going to take you hours.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38Is Veronica Straddles really worth it?
0:24:38 > 0:24:40I...
0:24:40 > 0:24:43I've got 37 people coming here on Saturday.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45The coal bunker is full of ice cubes.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48I've hired the little sticks for the sausages and everything.
0:24:48 > 0:24:52Oh, very well, then, but take care if you must go.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54To the straddle. Saddle. HE LAUGHS
0:25:05 > 0:25:07Hello, Kevin?
0:25:07 > 0:25:08Kevin!
0:25:08 > 0:25:11Oi, shut up! You'll disturb the fish.
0:25:11 > 0:25:12Sorry, sorry.
0:25:13 > 0:25:14Sorry, fish.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19And stop crashing about. Keep down. They'll see them bloody straps.
0:25:19 > 0:25:20Do what the man says.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23Anybody here seen Kevin?
0:25:23 > 0:25:26- Kelly?- No, Kevin!- No.- Keep quiet!
0:25:26 > 0:25:30You can't miss him. His eyes are too close together.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32- He's over there.- Oh.
0:25:34 > 0:25:35Hello, Kevin?
0:25:35 > 0:25:38- Kevin, it's me, Timothy. - What are you doing here?
0:25:38 > 0:25:40- Look, come back. Mother wants to see you.- I'm fishing.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43Come back, you must see Mother. She thinks you're having an affair.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46I don't care what she thinks. Three bites in the last two minutes -
0:25:46 > 0:25:48I'm not coming anywhere! And keep your voice down,
0:25:48 > 0:25:51- you'll frighten the fish.- Look, is that your last word on the subject?
0:25:51 > 0:25:54No, Timothy, my last word is shove off!
0:25:54 > 0:25:56Right, you've forced me into this action.
0:25:56 > 0:26:00From now on, I am not responsible for anything I may do.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02SPLASHING
0:26:02 > 0:26:04It's that stupid git in the straps!
0:26:04 > 0:26:06What did you do that for, you stupid...?!
0:26:06 > 0:26:09You just spoilt the whole night's fishing.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12- Now, are you coming back with me, Kevin?- I'm going to murder you.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15Look, there's no time for violence. I'm a senior librarian.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17We shall have to get back. Are you coming with me, Kevin?
0:26:17 > 0:26:19Please keep your hands down!
0:26:19 > 0:26:22We're going to bid you good night and love you and leave you. Follow me, Kevin.
0:26:22 > 0:26:23Argh!
0:26:26 > 0:26:28All packed, except for my shaving tackle.
0:26:28 > 0:26:31I'll pack that after I've shaved.
0:26:31 > 0:26:32Done these things before, you see?
0:26:32 > 0:26:34HE CHUCKLES
0:26:34 > 0:26:36- Well, you can go and unpack.- What?
0:26:36 > 0:26:37We're not going anywhere
0:26:37 > 0:26:40with Timothy off on some wild goose chase.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43- ENGINE APPROACHES - There they are now. That's our car.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45Ha. Come on, Kevvers!
0:26:45 > 0:26:48I've forgiven you. Ha-ha, we're still friends.
0:26:48 > 0:26:49Oh, do belt up.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51Watch out for that foot scraper thing.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53- Arrrgh! - CRASHING
0:26:54 > 0:26:57- It's Kevin!- He's exhausted!
0:26:57 > 0:26:59Proof positive.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01- Mother, he tripped.- What happened?
0:27:01 > 0:27:03I thought I told you to take that thing to the drop-off.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05Come in to the warm!
0:27:05 > 0:27:07He's been fishing, Mother. Don't you understand?
0:27:07 > 0:27:10They're talking now. He's come back. They're friendly.
0:27:10 > 0:27:14So there's no reason why you and Father can't go to Cromer.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16I've always wanted to go!
0:27:16 > 0:27:18This calls for a celebration.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21I say, look here, Phyllis!
0:27:21 > 0:27:23My old dancing pumps.
0:27:23 > 0:27:26We might cut a rug in Cromer, eh?
0:27:26 > 0:27:29Don't make yourself ridiculous, Sydney.
0:27:29 > 0:27:30Nice one, Phyllis.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32Got a couple of bottles down here.
0:27:43 > 0:27:47CHATTER AND MUSIC
0:27:50 > 0:27:52Thank you very much. Thank you, thank you.
0:27:52 > 0:27:55Have a good time. Thank you so much.
0:27:55 > 0:27:57Do sit down!
0:28:01 > 0:28:03Veronica Straddles, eh?
0:28:03 > 0:28:05- Damn nice name. - HE CHUCKLES
0:28:05 > 0:28:07What did you say you did, by the way?
0:28:07 > 0:28:10- I'm a receptionist.- I knew it! You know, funny thing -
0:28:10 > 0:28:13there's a lovely receptionist in Cromer.
0:28:13 > 0:28:15My word, yes.
0:28:15 > 0:28:17She must be a grandmother by now.
0:28:17 > 0:28:19Can I have a drink?
0:28:19 > 0:28:20Her very words!
0:28:20 > 0:28:21HE LAUGHS
0:28:21 > 0:28:23RAIN POURS OUTSIDE
0:28:23 > 0:28:25Listen to it!
0:28:25 > 0:28:28Heaven help the sailors on the sea.
0:28:28 > 0:28:32Still, we're cosy, aren't we?
0:28:43 > 0:28:44Yes, Mother.
0:28:45 > 0:28:49It's a pity everything's closed, of course.
0:28:49 > 0:28:52But still, we've got each other, haven't we?
0:28:52 > 0:28:54- Yes, Mother.- What are you writing?
0:28:54 > 0:28:56A suicide note, Mother.
0:28:58 > 0:29:02Timothy, you've got everything to live for.
0:29:02 > 0:29:05There's me, for a start.
0:29:05 > 0:29:06Yes, Mother.
0:29:09 > 0:29:11Dear Father,
0:29:11 > 0:29:13wish you were here.
0:29:13 > 0:29:15Wish I wasn't.
0:29:15 > 0:29:19Our hotel window is marked with an X.
0:29:19 > 0:29:21Going due east from it,
0:29:21 > 0:29:24the next highest thing is the Urals.
0:29:25 > 0:29:28There is no need to be lavatorial, Timothy.
0:29:30 > 0:29:31Sorry, Mother.