0:00:33 > 0:00:36WIND MOANS
0:00:45 > 0:00:47Excuse me, headmaster, um...
0:00:47 > 0:00:50I rather think - I know this may seem silly to you -
0:00:50 > 0:00:53- but I rather think I'm having a nightmare.- What, boy?
0:00:53 > 0:00:58Well, I'm not AT school any more. I'm 41, I earn my living.
0:00:58 > 0:00:59I'm a librarian.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02- Why are you wearing pyjamas? - I'm in bed!- Nonsense!
0:01:02 > 0:01:05- See me in my study at 9am. - No, you don't understand, sir!
0:01:05 > 0:01:07- Get back into line. - I'm sorry, I'm sorry -
0:01:07 > 0:01:10what I'm trying to say is that I ought not to be here at all.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13I mean, I ought to be at work. It's time to go!
0:01:13 > 0:01:16- You should've gone before prayers. - No, not "gone", "been".
0:01:16 > 0:01:19I've been. I mean "gone", "go".
0:01:19 > 0:01:22- You know, this is all a terrible mistake.- We'll see about that.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25What's the capital of Tanganyika? What happened in 1252?
0:01:25 > 0:01:28What's the French for haircut? Oh, stop mumbling, boy!
0:01:28 > 0:01:32This is such a mix-up! I ought not to be here! I left school 25 years ago!
0:01:32 > 0:01:33Playing truant, eh?
0:01:33 > 0:01:37- I am not here, I want to wake up! - I'll wake you up, lad.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40Mr Throxley, the cane, if you please.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43You can't cane me! I'm grown up!
0:01:43 > 0:01:46You'll groan by the time I've finished with you.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48Put your hand out.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03Timothy?
0:02:09 > 0:02:10All right then, hit me.
0:02:10 > 0:02:11Ooh! Ow!
0:02:11 > 0:02:13I'm going to tell my mother, I'm going to tell my mummy!
0:02:13 > 0:02:15- Timothy! Wake up!- What...?
0:02:15 > 0:02:17What are you doing down here?
0:02:17 > 0:02:18What am I doing where?
0:02:18 > 0:02:21Here, down here?
0:02:21 > 0:02:22It's the kitchen!
0:02:22 > 0:02:25- Where's the headmaster? - What headmaster?
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Have you had visitors?
0:02:27 > 0:02:30He hit me! I've been sleepwalking.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32All this noise.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35I thought it was the cat having one of her turns.
0:02:36 > 0:02:40It's 5:45am, have you no consideration?
0:02:40 > 0:02:44I'm sorry, Mother, I didn't realise it was 5:45am.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47I'll try and sleepwalk at a more convenient time.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50I could take the day off work and do it at lunchtime, if you like.
0:02:50 > 0:02:54And don't try and blame that steak and kidney pie.
0:02:54 > 0:02:58We've had that pie six days running and no harm to anyone.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03What was this silly dream all about?
0:03:03 > 0:03:06Well, it's the school nightmare again, Mother, you know, with the
0:03:06 > 0:03:09headmaster asking me these questions and I don't know the answer.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11Well, I know the answer, but I can't get them out...
0:03:11 > 0:03:15- It's that hair on your head. - What is?- Why you get nightmares.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18Mother, it is not the cause of the nightmares.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20It's just, I'm so nervous, don't you see,
0:03:20 > 0:03:22about this interview on Thursday, that's all.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25Well, so am I, with your hair like that.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27Mother, my hair is not all that long.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30There are hairier people in the library service than me.
0:03:30 > 0:03:34The county archivist looks like Demis Roussos in a force-eight gale.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38- How disgusting. - Well, she likes it that way.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40And before Thursday, Timothy,
0:03:40 > 0:03:44do do something about your dreadful ears.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46Let's not have all that again, Mother.
0:03:46 > 0:03:50Sticking them down with Elastoplast every bedtime.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52Just let them stick out, you know?
0:03:52 > 0:03:54They stop my glasses from falling off.
0:03:54 > 0:03:58Not the way the stick out, it's the fact that they're full of hairs.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00Mother, I can't help that, I'm sorry.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02Happens to be a sign of a virility.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06We'll have no virility in this house, thank you.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10I'm not surprised you fail your interview every year.
0:04:10 > 0:04:15Mother, it has got nothing to do with hair anywhere. You understand?
0:04:15 > 0:04:18- It's just that get I tongue-tied. - Tongue-tied? You?
0:04:18 > 0:04:21You're never at a loss for a bit of smart-aleck cheek with me.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23In that speech, the part of the mother
0:04:23 > 0:04:26was played by the 29th Heavy Ack-Ack Regiment.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28There you are, typical, as always.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33Oh, Timothy, you're up early.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35This is my time for a quiet smoke
0:04:35 > 0:04:38before I'm on parade with your Mother's tea.
0:04:40 > 0:04:41- What are you doing?- Bleurgh!
0:04:45 > 0:04:49- Get that cigar out of here. - Cheroot, dear, cheroot.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51I don't care what it is, get it out of my house!
0:04:51 > 0:04:53Oh, fair enough, Phyllis.
0:04:53 > 0:04:58- I'm going back to bed. You get your hair cut today.- Yes.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01- Head, ears, nose, under the armpits...- Don't be disgusting.
0:05:03 > 0:05:07- It's you that being Freudian, Mother, not me.- Language, Timothy.
0:05:07 > 0:05:11- Sorry, Father.- Bit early for that kind of smut.- Yes, Father.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14I said, get that thing out. Go on.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17And if you don't get this jungle dealt with today,
0:05:17 > 0:05:19I'll cut it myself.
0:05:19 > 0:05:23Sidney, I'll have the Earl Grey.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26And if you want a cup of tea, there's a perfectly good teabag
0:05:26 > 0:05:29- on the draining board that's only been used once.- Fair enough.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35Presto!
0:05:35 > 0:05:38Quickness of the hand, you know, Timothy.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40I used to drive the dog mad doing this.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46Looking a bit pale, old chap?
0:05:46 > 0:05:50Steak and kidney pie, is it? Spot of mother's revenge?
0:05:50 > 0:05:54No, I've been having these nightmares again, Father. And sleepwalking.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56Yesterday, the milkman found me out in the back garden,
0:05:56 > 0:05:59waiting for the bird table to ask me another question.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02If you're going to walk around in public in your pyjamas,
0:06:02 > 0:06:03better get the fly sewn up.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08Some problems, Father, can't be solved by sewing up the fly.
0:06:08 > 0:06:14- True, true, yes.- I think I'm going to have to go and see one of those...
0:06:14 > 0:06:15You know, one of those...
0:06:15 > 0:06:17One of those?
0:06:17 > 0:06:20You're not mixing with one of those, are you?
0:06:20 > 0:06:23- One of those, one of those chaps... - What chaps?
0:06:23 > 0:06:25You know...
0:06:25 > 0:06:27You know, chaps.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29You won't like it if I say it.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31Oh, come on, Timothy, I'm your father, you can tell me anything.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Now, what chaps?
0:06:33 > 0:06:36- Psychiatrist chaps. - Language, Timothy!
0:06:36 > 0:06:39That's not language, Father, there's nothing wrong with psychiatrists!
0:06:39 > 0:06:41Shh, shh, your mother might hear!
0:06:41 > 0:06:43You know what she's like about anything up there,
0:06:43 > 0:06:45or down there, for that matter.
0:06:46 > 0:06:50Why is Mother so old-fashioned, Father, about medicine?
0:06:50 > 0:06:56- What do you mean?- Well, you know. I mean, look at the bathroom cabinet.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59She's got half a tin of Zam-Buk reduced to 11d ha'penny,
0:06:59 > 0:07:01two jars of slightly rusty iron jelloids
0:07:01 > 0:07:04and enough thermogene to lag a church organ.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08I mean, she's 100 years out of date.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10It's more a matter of not facing up to things.
0:07:10 > 0:07:14You see, there's quite a lot of nerves in your mother's family.
0:07:14 > 0:07:15Nerves?
0:07:15 > 0:07:18What do you mean, what do you mean? They're barmy, or something?
0:07:18 > 0:07:21- What do you mean? - I think you're old enough to know.
0:07:21 > 0:07:26You see, your mother's brother, Herbert, is a bit, you know...?
0:07:26 > 0:07:29As for Uncle Stanley, well, he's bit, ttt-ttt-ttt.
0:07:29 > 0:07:33And there's cousin Deirdre, she's a bit... AND a bit, ttt-ttt-ttt.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36Oh, dear, perhaps I'd better see a psychiatrist then.
0:07:36 > 0:07:40No, I don't know, Timothy, lots of people have recurring dreams.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43As a matter of fact, I have one meself.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45Bit of a rum setup, on a ship.
0:07:45 > 0:07:49And on this ship, there's harem. Now, not a word to your mother,
0:07:49 > 0:07:51but I'm in this harem with these two girls
0:07:51 > 0:07:54and, frankly, they're all over me!
0:07:54 > 0:07:57- Father!- Well, I'm just telling you the facts.- Yes, of course.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00- Anyway, it's a glorious party, and then, dammit...- What, what?
0:08:00 > 0:08:03- All of a sudden, you come in and ruin everything.- Me?!
0:08:03 > 0:08:06Yes, I mean, I've been trying not to hold it against you for years.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08- Oh, I'm sorry, Father... - No, no, no, don't worry -
0:08:08 > 0:08:10next time, I'm going to lock the door.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13- That's what you should do, take action.- What, what do you mean?
0:08:13 > 0:08:14Well, take action.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17If this headmaster asks you any questions you can't answer,
0:08:17 > 0:08:19- punch him on the nose. - What a good idea!
0:08:19 > 0:08:22I mean, the worst that can happen is that I wake up.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25That's it, self-help. Better than going to some trick cyclist.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27Damn sight cheaper too.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Well, I'll go back to bed and I'll punch him on the nose.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31Better still, Timothy...
0:08:31 > 0:08:34Straight left to the breadbasket, as his head comes down,
0:08:34 > 0:08:35give him a faceful of knee.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37Do you think so, Father?
0:08:37 > 0:08:40- Well, it works wonders with your mother.- What?!
0:08:40 > 0:08:42Oh, no, different dream, different dream.
0:08:42 > 0:08:46Oh-ho, I've had that dream quite often too, as a matter of fact.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52Steer 0-2-0.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55Steer course 0-2-0. Aye, aye, Sir.
0:08:58 > 0:09:02Hello, I'm looking for the headmaster? I was wondering if...?
0:09:02 > 0:09:04Wait a minute, this is a boat, isn't it?
0:09:06 > 0:09:09- You look just like the headmaster. - Who the devil are you?
0:09:09 > 0:09:11Cabin boy, sir.
0:09:11 > 0:09:12You ARE the headmaster!
0:09:12 > 0:09:15- I have come here to punch you on the nose.- Get off my bridge!
0:09:15 > 0:09:18Oh, well, if you put it that way... Goodness me, my legs won't work.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21- Ship on port bow, sir. Cruiser. - Ah, devil it is.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23You there, cabin boy, you know your silhouettes -
0:09:23 > 0:09:27- is that the Prince Eugen or the Graf Spee?- It's, um... It's...
0:09:27 > 0:09:29It's the capital of Tanganyika, sir!
0:09:29 > 0:09:31- What are you blithering? - Wait a minute, wait a minute...
0:09:31 > 0:09:34- Another interview failed. - One last chance.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37- Your starter for 20 lashes - what's the French for haircut?- Er...
0:09:37 > 0:09:39I know it, but I don't know how to say it, sir.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42- You'll walk the plank for this, into the ocean with him!- Aye, aye, sir.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45I'm doing my best! Oh, my legs are working again. Oh, good.
0:09:45 > 0:09:46Will you excuse me, please?
0:09:46 > 0:09:50I've just got to go and, you know, er...splice the barnacles.
0:09:50 > 0:09:51Oh!
0:09:52 > 0:09:54Oh, excuse me.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58FATHER COUGHS
0:09:58 > 0:10:00Father?
0:10:00 > 0:10:05- Timothy, dammit, I locked the door!- I'm sorry...
0:10:05 > 0:10:10- I thought this was my dream! Not yours!- It's all ruined, either way.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12Not good enough, Timothy.
0:10:12 > 0:10:13I'll go.
0:10:13 > 0:10:14Argh!
0:10:14 > 0:10:19Many men come in here, only eunuchs go out.
0:10:19 > 0:10:20Eunuchs?!
0:10:20 > 0:10:24No, I don't count, this is all a big mix-up. I'm supposed to be at school!
0:10:24 > 0:10:27It's time for work! I want to wake up!
0:10:27 > 0:10:28Help!
0:10:28 > 0:10:30Mother!
0:10:30 > 0:10:32Argh, Mother! What are you doing?!
0:10:32 > 0:10:34I'm cutting your hair.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37Oh, hair! Oh!
0:10:40 > 0:10:43Thank goodness for that, Mother, I had the most terrible nightmare.
0:10:43 > 0:10:47Why, what did you think I was going to do, you silly-billy?
0:10:47 > 0:10:51Well, it just crossed my mind you were going to, you know,
0:10:51 > 0:10:54splice my barnacles, Mother, that's all.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56- FROM OTHER ROOM:- Language, Timothy!
0:10:56 > 0:11:00Language, ho-ho! What about you, Father, you randy old rascal!
0:11:00 > 0:11:01Timothy.
0:11:02 > 0:11:06I'd just like to go on with what I was saying before,
0:11:06 > 0:11:08only I had to stop when someone came in.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12What I wanted to tell you about was Father.
0:11:13 > 0:11:17I don't want to seem to blame Father for my nightmares,
0:11:17 > 0:11:22but the fact is, well, I was a little backward for my age.
0:11:22 > 0:11:26And there was this girl, Celia, who used to live next door,
0:11:26 > 0:11:29you know, but one, where the Morrises live now.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32I'm sorry, that's... You don't know them.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34Well, nor do we, actually.
0:11:35 > 0:11:38He is in abrasives, and I think Mother rubbed him up the wrong way.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41I'm sorry, I'm sorry - that was a joke.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44When you play this back, don't listen to that bit.
0:11:44 > 0:11:48Anyway, this Celia wasn't backward for her age.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52She was, if anything, ten years forward.
0:11:53 > 0:11:58And she said, "Let's go behind your garden shed and, you know."
0:12:00 > 0:12:01And I didn't know.
0:12:04 > 0:12:08So I thought it was time I did. So we did.
0:12:08 > 0:12:12By the by, this isn't the shed we have now. It was a smaller one.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16With more room behind, you know,
0:12:16 > 0:12:20more room behind where two people could, you know...
0:12:20 > 0:12:22share their sherbet.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25It was a lovely day, and I said, "Look at the way the sun is
0:12:25 > 0:12:29"casting myriad spangles of light off the greenhouse."
0:12:29 > 0:12:32And she said, "So it is, let's take all our clothes off."
0:12:32 > 0:12:35I said, "What for?" She said, "To see if we're different."
0:12:35 > 0:12:36So we did.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38And, as a matter of fact, we were.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40Sorry, sorry, of course, you know that,
0:12:40 > 0:12:42because you're professional person, after all.
0:12:42 > 0:12:43Well, at that moment,
0:12:43 > 0:12:47who should burst into this little space behind the shed but Father,
0:12:47 > 0:12:50because he's not allowed to smoke, cough, blow his nose or cut his nails
0:12:50 > 0:12:52in the house, you see?
0:12:52 > 0:12:57And the upshot of it was that I never saw Celia again.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00And I was given six of the best by Father with a ping-pong bat.
0:13:01 > 0:13:05And here's what I'm getting at - it wasn't the rubber side.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09No, it was the sandpaper.
0:13:10 > 0:13:14So, obviously, I've got this thing about women dressed in sandpaper.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17- Steady on, steady on!- What?
0:13:17 > 0:13:21I never gave you six of the best with a ping-pong bat.
0:13:21 > 0:13:22That was your mother.
0:13:22 > 0:13:27Well, I know it was, I know it was, but if I tell the psychiatrist
0:13:27 > 0:13:29it was Mother, he'll think there's something wrong with me.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31Well, there is, isn't there?
0:13:31 > 0:13:34Well, yes, I know that, but there's no need to tell him, is there?
0:13:34 > 0:13:36It wasn't six of the best, it was only one.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39Well, I have to make it sound exciting, don't I?
0:13:39 > 0:13:41I mean, he listens to so many stories like that.
0:13:41 > 0:13:42KETTLE WHISTLES The kettle.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47If you've got to blame me for everything,
0:13:47 > 0:13:51- don't forget that my childhood was no picnic.- No, I won't.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54Every time I wet the bed, my Father made me sing
0:13:54 > 0:13:56Onward Christian Soldiers right through.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58I can tell them all about that, you see,
0:13:58 > 0:14:01I'm telling all about my problem on his recording machine, you see.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03I see.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06Mind you, I think you're barmy going to a shrink.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09You think I'm dressed properly for a psychiatrist?
0:14:09 > 0:14:13It's a bit boring and ordinary, isn't it?
0:14:13 > 0:14:15I could... Ah!
0:14:15 > 0:14:18Bit of parsley for the buttonhole, that might...
0:14:18 > 0:14:21That makes it look a little bit - when I get it in -
0:14:21 > 0:14:24that'll make it look a little bit sophisticated?
0:14:24 > 0:14:27- Smart, but still a bit... - Neat.- Neat, neat!
0:14:27 > 0:14:29Who turned that kettle off?
0:14:29 > 0:14:31What's going on?
0:14:31 > 0:14:33You're wearing a suit!
0:14:33 > 0:14:35Why's it got parsley in the buttonhole?
0:14:35 > 0:14:37It's a herringbone suit, Mother.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39Ow!
0:14:39 > 0:14:40Don't be cheeky.
0:14:40 > 0:14:44- Steady on, Phyllis, the young fella doesn't deserve that.- You be quiet.
0:14:44 > 0:14:48I sometimes think I'm the only sane person in this house.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52I'm glad you're feeling better.
0:14:52 > 0:14:53Anyway, I'll see you on Tuesday.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56Yes, yes, the same time. Goodbye.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13- Is this the psychiatrist's?- Yes, yes.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15Your first visit? Certainly mine.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22- Has he got somebody in there? - In where?
0:15:22 > 0:15:23- I'll have a peep.- At what?
0:15:24 > 0:15:27Ooh, very dark, isn't it?
0:15:27 > 0:15:29Does he do hypnotism?
0:15:29 > 0:15:31It's the broom cupboard.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36Oh, so it is!
0:15:36 > 0:15:41Ha-ha, by Jove, you certainly know your way around, anyway!
0:15:41 > 0:15:43- Do you come here often?- Every day.
0:15:43 > 0:15:44I'm the psychiatrist.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49Oh, the psychiaTRESS? Ha-ha!
0:15:49 > 0:15:51I had a bit of parsley in my buttonhole...
0:15:51 > 0:15:54- Do sit down, Mr Lumsden. - Yes, all right then.
0:15:54 > 0:15:55I'm not really that bad, to be honest.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58- Perhaps I can come back another day...- Sit down.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02Where would you like me to sit?
0:16:02 > 0:16:03On a chair.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05Excellent, excellent.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10Now, Mr Lumsden,
0:16:10 > 0:16:13thank you for the messages you left on my answering machine.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16I've only had time to transcribe about half of them.
0:16:16 > 0:16:20- There seemed to be such a lot to tell, really.- Hmm.- Yes.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22Well, I think I ought to ask you some questions.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24Certainly, by all means, fire away.
0:16:24 > 0:16:28You know, give it to me hot and strong, no holds barred.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30- Thank you.- Thank you.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33- What is your name?- Lumsden.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35The thing is, it's this interview, you see?
0:16:35 > 0:16:37Now, I'm not the psychiatrist, obviously,
0:16:37 > 0:16:41- otherwise I'd be sitting here talking to myself...- First names?- Timothy.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44But I think the dream is symptomatic, in a funny sort of way...
0:16:44 > 0:16:47- Just Timothy?- Timothy CR.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49Symptomatic of the very fear of the interview itself,
0:16:49 > 0:16:50do you know what I mean?
0:16:50 > 0:16:53Is that something Jung or Freud would have said?
0:16:53 > 0:16:55- What does the CR stand for?- CR?
0:16:55 > 0:16:58- Your middle names?- Christopher.
0:16:58 > 0:16:59Only, what will happen...
0:17:01 > 0:17:05What will happen at the interview will be that I will simply,
0:17:05 > 0:17:10I simply sort of dry up. Just absolutely, you know, dry up.
0:17:10 > 0:17:14And I wondered, could it possibly be, um, you know...
0:17:14 > 0:17:15bad potty training?
0:17:17 > 0:17:19- Christopher what?- R.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21And what does the R stand for?
0:17:21 > 0:17:23Robin.
0:17:23 > 0:17:24Now, I was wondering...
0:17:24 > 0:17:27Christopher Robin?!
0:17:27 > 0:17:30Your parents called you Christopher Robin?
0:17:30 > 0:17:31Well, you know...
0:17:33 > 0:17:36Tell me, aren't you going to give me tests or something like that?
0:17:36 > 0:17:39- Like what?- Well, I thought perhaps the inkblot test?
0:17:39 > 0:17:41Oh, we don't do that any more.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43Not since ballpoints came in.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48Well, what about, for example, that mark on the wall over there now?
0:17:48 > 0:17:52- What about it?- Aren't you going to ask me what that reminds me of?
0:17:52 > 0:17:53And what does it remind you of?
0:17:53 > 0:17:57Of that mark on the wall over there, do you see?
0:17:57 > 0:18:01- And what does that tell us?- Well, I'm not the psychiatrist, of course!
0:18:01 > 0:18:04- I'm a psychotherapist, in fact. - Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06- Word associations.- What?
0:18:06 > 0:18:08Wat? Tyler.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10- Pardon?- Burp.- Please.- Thank you.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13- That's enough!- Sorry, Mother. Ooh!
0:18:15 > 0:18:18- Mother, hmm.- Oh, yes.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20To go back to this Christopher Robin business...
0:18:20 > 0:18:23Yes, I don't think you'll find that has anything to do with it.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26Have you ever had any frightening sexual experiences?
0:18:31 > 0:18:33I'm sorry, what was that?
0:18:33 > 0:18:36Have you had any frightening sexual experiences?
0:18:38 > 0:18:40Well, they've all been fairly frightening!
0:18:40 > 0:18:43- Do you love your mother? - Well, um...
0:18:43 > 0:18:45Do you love your mother, yes or no?
0:18:45 > 0:18:47Good heavens, look at that out of the window!
0:18:47 > 0:18:51These pigeons, these two pigeons, what are they doing?
0:18:51 > 0:18:53Oh, that was very quick!
0:18:56 > 0:18:58I'm sorry, I'm sorry, what was the question?
0:18:58 > 0:19:01I think we may be able to help you, Mr Lumsden.
0:19:01 > 0:19:02Oh, wonderful, wonderful!
0:19:02 > 0:19:05I'm thinking initially of 24 sessions.
0:19:05 > 0:19:0724? But the interview's this afternoon, you see?
0:19:07 > 0:19:09I did squeeze you in, and I do have another patient.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11Yes, I mean, if I don't get this interview,
0:19:11 > 0:19:13you see, the dreams will go on and on...
0:19:13 > 0:19:16Relax, enjoy the interview.
0:19:16 > 0:19:20- Accept it as an experience.- That's rather like saying, "Don't be shy!"
0:19:20 > 0:19:23Well, as a simple, practical first step...
0:19:23 > 0:19:25I'm not having my hair cut.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28..change out of that dreadful suit.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30Dreadful? It's not dreadful.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32- Mother bought this.- Quite.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36Yes, it is a bit dreadful, isn't it?
0:19:36 > 0:19:38Wear something casual, don't try too hard.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40No, I try not to.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42Well, I won't try at all.
0:19:42 > 0:19:46- That way if I don't get the job, I'll have succeeded.- More or less, yes.
0:19:46 > 0:19:51Well, brilliant. I feel so good about this now. I feel, you know, I feel...
0:19:51 > 0:19:53So...
0:19:53 > 0:19:56- I COULD be suave. - Don't be suave.- No, no...
0:19:56 > 0:20:00- Don't try to be anything!- No, no, right. Well, I could be laid-back.
0:20:00 > 0:20:04- Yes.- That I can be. Laid-back, spaced out, upfront, hopefully.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08Well, ciao.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10That's the Italian for toodle-oo.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12And that's still the broom cupboard.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16Yes, but now I don't care, ha-ha!
0:20:17 > 0:20:20MUSIC ON THE RADIO
0:20:20 > 0:20:23Timothy, what are you doing here? It's your interview, isn't it?
0:20:23 > 0:20:26I know, I'm going to take this suit off, you see. I'm going casual.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29- Your mother'll murder you! - Where is Mother?- Upstairs.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31HE SNIFFS
0:20:31 > 0:20:34- What is that, burnt socks? - No, no, it's her latest stew.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37- There's enough here for a month. - DISTANT:- Timothy, is that you?
0:20:42 > 0:20:44I'm down here, Mother.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47What're you doing in the living room?
0:20:47 > 0:20:50What are you doing in the HOUSE, it's your interview, isn't it?
0:20:50 > 0:20:52Timothy?
0:20:52 > 0:20:55- Have you seen him, Sidney?- No, dear.
0:20:55 > 0:20:56He's gone out.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05- Sidney! Sidney! - SHE POUNDS THE DOOR
0:21:12 > 0:21:14What's going on?
0:21:14 > 0:21:16Don't stir it with your fingers!
0:21:16 > 0:21:19- I'm not stirring it, I dropped something in it.- What?
0:21:19 > 0:21:20I forget.
0:21:21 > 0:21:22Are you in your room?
0:21:27 > 0:21:29Timothy, are you upstairs?
0:21:40 > 0:21:41SHE SNIFFS
0:21:41 > 0:21:43That stew's burning.
0:21:43 > 0:21:44Sidney!
0:21:50 > 0:21:53You're not stirring the stew!
0:21:55 > 0:21:56Ashes?
0:21:56 > 0:21:58- What...? - RADIO STOPS
0:21:58 > 0:22:00What's happened?
0:22:03 > 0:22:05The power's gone!
0:22:10 > 0:22:12The fuse has gone.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15He's blown the fuse with that razor of his.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17Timothy!
0:22:17 > 0:22:18Where are you?
0:22:18 > 0:22:20Timothy. Are you upstairs?
0:22:22 > 0:22:23I know you're hiding from me.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28- Where are you? - RADIO STARTS AGAIN
0:22:30 > 0:22:33Good Lord, Timothy, you can't go to an interview dressed like that.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36That's what I came to say - don't tell Mother I've changed.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39- Even if she twists your arm. - She usually twists my nose.
0:22:39 > 0:22:43- Don't say anything, whatever she twists.- Good luck!
0:22:43 > 0:22:46- Cry God for Harry, England and St... - Timothy!
0:22:51 > 0:22:55- Good afternoon. - Afternoon.- Good afternoon.
0:22:55 > 0:22:563pm?
0:22:56 > 0:22:59Yes, some chap named Mills is in there at the moment.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01DOOR KNOCKS
0:23:01 > 0:23:02Come in?
0:23:08 > 0:23:10What-ho?
0:23:10 > 0:23:14- Lumsden's the name.- Hello. - Hello.- Hello. Hello.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16- Hello.- Hello.
0:23:18 > 0:23:19Hello.
0:23:28 > 0:23:32Well, I expect you'd like me to tell you a little bit about myself, eh?
0:23:32 > 0:23:35Basically, I'm pretty laid-back.
0:23:35 > 0:23:36Spaced out.
0:23:36 > 0:23:40And, funnily enough, I don't want the job, in fact.
0:23:40 > 0:23:41Now, last year I did,
0:23:41 > 0:23:44but curious enough, this year, in a kind of strange way...
0:23:44 > 0:23:46Are there any questions you'd like to ask me at all?
0:23:46 > 0:23:47Not really.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49Oh, excellent, wonderful. Pushover, absolutely.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51Short-circuits the whole thing, doesn't it?
0:23:51 > 0:23:55- Well, I'll tell you a little bit about myself...- Do you have to?
0:23:55 > 0:23:56No, I don't HAVE to.
0:23:56 > 0:23:57I don't have to, no.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02No, it's just that I thought, since we were here and talking...
0:24:02 > 0:24:06No, I don't have to. There's no question of having to, no.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08But I thought you might like to know
0:24:08 > 0:24:10that I was basically born at my place of birth,
0:24:10 > 0:24:16and I was educated at school, where I gained six passes,
0:24:16 > 0:24:20three O-levels, two A-levels, and one at Phoebe Tugwell.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23Now, if that isn't laid-back, I don't know what is. And I was going to...
0:24:23 > 0:24:26- A Mr Bone? - No, no, not Bone, dear, no, no.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29Lumsden. Lumsden, Timothy CR.
0:24:29 > 0:24:33- Lumsden. Who'd have a funny name like Bone?- I would.- Oh, I'm sorry.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38- It is a funny name. Funny bone, I suppose!- This way, Mr Bone.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41Oh, it's all over, is it? Have I passed?
0:24:41 > 0:24:44Well, that's an absolute doddle, isn't it?
0:24:44 > 0:24:46Very laid-back, very spaced out.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48Shall we have a cup of Earl Grey by way of celebration, shall we?
0:24:48 > 0:24:52Oh, my God! Oh, dear! Oh, I've dropped a clanger!
0:24:52 > 0:24:54Still, it doesn't matter now, once you're in, you're in!
0:24:54 > 0:24:56Now, are you going to have...?
0:24:56 > 0:24:59Could we keep it a little quieter, please?
0:24:59 > 0:25:01Oh, er...
0:25:01 > 0:25:02Mr Chairman?
0:25:02 > 0:25:05- Shouldn't you be in here? - In the waiting room?
0:25:05 > 0:25:08- The waiting room? It's the waiting room!- What?!- Wh-wh...
0:25:08 > 0:25:10What's your name?
0:25:10 > 0:25:12Um, wait a minute, wait a minute...
0:25:12 > 0:25:16I know it, it's on the tip of my tongue...
0:25:16 > 0:25:18I told you it a minute ago!
0:25:18 > 0:25:20It would be on the back of my tie if I was wearing one! Silly, isn't it?
0:25:20 > 0:25:24We saw you last year, didn't we? Properly attired, wearing a suit?
0:25:24 > 0:25:27Yes, I'm afraid that's at the psychiatrist's...
0:25:27 > 0:25:28The cleaner's! I'm sorry!
0:25:28 > 0:25:30Look, sit down and pull yourself together,
0:25:30 > 0:25:32and try to remember your name - it could be useful.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34Yes, you've been more than kind. Perhaps next year?
0:25:34 > 0:25:37I don't know what you expect to find in the cupboard.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40Certainly got him going there, didn't I?
0:25:40 > 0:25:42Had him eating out of the palm of my hand.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44Not that I care, to be absolutely honest, one way or another...
0:25:44 > 0:25:48- A sweatshirt?- Mother, what are you doing here?- And those trousers?
0:25:48 > 0:25:50- Just as your father said, get them off!- Mother...
0:25:50 > 0:25:53- You thank your lucky stars I brought your suit.- Mother, please...
0:25:53 > 0:25:56- And I'm go to trim that hair. - Mother, there are people here!
0:25:56 > 0:25:58Yes, well-dressed people!
0:25:58 > 0:26:00They know what a silly little boy you are.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02Look at them, they're sniggering!
0:26:02 > 0:26:06- Come on, skin the rabbit! - Mother, Mother, please!
0:26:06 > 0:26:09Every time I try and do something on my own, you come barging in!
0:26:09 > 0:26:11- Mother, go away, please!- Come along!
0:26:11 > 0:26:12Mr Lumsden!
0:26:12 > 0:26:15- What the hell do you want now? - I beg your pardon?
0:26:15 > 0:26:17Haven't I got enough on my plate,
0:26:17 > 0:26:19my Mother giving me lick washes and wiping my nose?
0:26:19 > 0:26:21Good heavens, don't stand gaping there, man!
0:26:21 > 0:26:24Let's get in here and get this whole thing settled.
0:26:24 > 0:26:25Let's have some positive action!
0:26:28 > 0:26:31It's the ping-pong bat for him when he gets home.
0:26:33 > 0:26:36Well, congratulations, Timothy.
0:26:36 > 0:26:39- Thank you, Father.- How did you do it?
0:26:39 > 0:26:41Well, I just went in there and shouted at them
0:26:41 > 0:26:42for four or five minutes -
0:26:42 > 0:26:44they said it was the best interview they'd ever had,
0:26:44 > 0:26:47the most forceful, and I was just the man for the job.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49Who's a clever boy?
0:26:49 > 0:26:51Who gets his supper in bed?
0:26:51 > 0:26:53Thank you, Mother.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55Get out of here with that filthy thing.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57Just celebrating with the young fellow.
0:26:57 > 0:27:00You know the rules - anywhere beyond the compost heap.
0:27:02 > 0:27:03Fair enough.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10Who's mother's best boy?
0:27:10 > 0:27:12And what do we get now we're promoted?
0:27:14 > 0:27:16Key to the dirty books cupboard?
0:27:16 > 0:27:20No, we get a haircut.
0:27:20 > 0:27:22Now we're in a higher echelon.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25Higher echelon, powers that be!
0:27:25 > 0:27:28No more bad dreams for me, Mother.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30And here's your treat.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33A lovely plate of stew.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35You can pick out the burnt bits.
0:27:35 > 0:27:40And the very, very last of the steak and kidney pie. Well?
0:27:40 > 0:27:41What do you say?
0:27:42 > 0:27:43Good night, Mother.
0:27:45 > 0:27:46Nevermind.
0:27:47 > 0:27:49You can have it for breakfast.
0:28:03 > 0:28:07Wait a minute, wait a minute! This is all wrong! I shouldn't be here!
0:28:07 > 0:28:09Throxley, the cane, if you please.
0:28:09 > 0:28:12Wait a minute, the psychiatrist said I wouldn't be having...
0:28:12 > 0:28:14Been having powwows with trick cyclists, have we, Lumsden?
0:28:14 > 0:28:15I'll tell you this,
0:28:15 > 0:28:18psycho-bloody-whatsits doesn't cut any ice in this establishment!
0:28:18 > 0:28:20Put your hand out.
0:28:28 > 0:28:29Mother?
0:28:29 > 0:28:31It's you, isn't it?
0:28:31 > 0:28:32It's you!
0:28:32 > 0:28:34Of course it's me!
0:28:34 > 0:28:36Argh!