0:00:31 > 0:00:33Hello!
0:00:33 > 0:00:36Coo-ee! I'm back!
0:00:38 > 0:00:41Aren't you going to ask me if I've wiped my feet?
0:00:41 > 0:00:46Cos if you were, I was going to say, "No, but I have wiped my nose!"
0:00:46 > 0:00:48Mother?
0:00:48 > 0:00:49Father?
0:00:51 > 0:00:55SHE HUMS TO HERSELF
0:00:58 > 0:01:00# Simply charming weather... #
0:01:00 > 0:01:02- Is it you?- Is what me?
0:01:02 > 0:01:06Good Lord, it is you! You've...
0:01:06 > 0:01:08Wait a minute, you've done something to yourself.
0:01:08 > 0:01:09I don't know what you mean.
0:01:09 > 0:01:12Don't tell me, don't tell me - you're going to the Chelsea Arts Ball.
0:01:12 > 0:01:18- Little Bo Peep, is it?- Oh, you silly-billy! Off we go and wash our hands.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20Oh, OUR hands? Are we sharing a pair?
0:01:20 > 0:01:23Most amusing!
0:01:23 > 0:01:27Mother, are you all right, dear? What is all...
0:01:27 > 0:01:32I mean, this wonderful food, this lovely pie looks really lovely.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35- In which case, what is it doing here? - Put that down, please.
0:01:35 > 0:01:39- Perfume, Mother! You've got a fancy man!- Fancy man!
0:01:39 > 0:01:41That smarmy bruiser at the butcher's, is it,
0:01:41 > 0:01:43who keeps giving you bones for a dog we haven't got?
0:01:43 > 0:01:45I don't know what you mean. Go and wash your hands.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48- Mother, your son is back. Don't I get a little peck on the cheek?- Later.
0:01:48 > 0:01:52I haven't got time for you now, Timothy. I have other fish to fry.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55Ah, it's the fishmonger!
0:01:55 > 0:01:58The one with dandruff and a face like a conger eel.
0:01:58 > 0:02:02We don't mention conger eels in this house. It's rock salmon.
0:02:02 > 0:02:06- Oh, is that his name, Rock Salmon? - Don't be puerile.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09Off you go and wash your puddleducks.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11# Oh, what simply lovely weather... #
0:02:11 > 0:02:13Mother, you really are...
0:02:20 > 0:02:21What's this?
0:02:23 > 0:02:25She HAS got a fancy man!
0:02:30 > 0:02:33A blooming big fancy man!
0:02:33 > 0:02:35Fancy man mountain!
0:02:35 > 0:02:39Mother, Mother, whose coat is that out there?
0:02:39 > 0:02:42You know, the one with the macho collar and the rugged detailing?
0:02:42 > 0:02:47- The nice one? That's Brinsley's. - Brinsley?- Brinsley! Brinsley Natwick!
0:02:47 > 0:02:51You haven't forgotten your second cousin once removed, have you?
0:02:51 > 0:02:54No, I haven't. Let us hope he removes himself once again.
0:02:54 > 0:02:58- What is he doing here, Mother?- Why? What have you got against Brinsley?
0:02:58 > 0:03:03- Well, he's too big, for a start. - Too big? He's a splendid size.
0:03:03 > 0:03:07He has perfect manners, unlike some, and, of all the big men
0:03:07 > 0:03:12I've ever known, he has quite the gentlest pair of hands.
0:03:12 > 0:03:13Mother, what are you saying?
0:03:13 > 0:03:17He massaged my feet last night.
0:03:17 > 0:03:21- He what?!- All right, scoff!
0:03:21 > 0:03:23You don't know what it is to have feet.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26Brinsley knows. He's a Natwick.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29All Natwicks have feet to varying degrees.
0:03:29 > 0:03:35- He used to massage my head with his knuckles.- Did he? Hahahah! Sweet!
0:03:35 > 0:03:39Sweet? He was a bully, Mother, and very big as well.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42If you remember, I was rather small for my age at one time.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45You know what happens to tell-tale-tits.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47I am not telling tales, Mother.
0:03:47 > 0:03:51These are the reflections of a mature adult looking back.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53In anger, as it happens.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55I haven't told you this before, Mother,
0:03:55 > 0:04:00but, in 1952, when Brinsley came on holiday with us to Shanklin,
0:04:00 > 0:04:04his nightly amusement was to sit on my head and break wind.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07Timothy! Not in the kitchen!
0:04:07 > 0:04:10No, in the bathroom.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13And the beach hut.
0:04:15 > 0:04:19Even if he did, he's put all that behind him now.
0:04:20 > 0:04:25He put all that behind him then and that's what I'm objecting to.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27There's no need to be unnecessary.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30Why are none of these letters for me, Mother?
0:04:30 > 0:04:32They're all addressed to Brinsley.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35Well, perhaps he takes the trouble to write to people,
0:04:35 > 0:04:38unlike some little assistant under dogsbody
0:04:38 > 0:04:39at the library I could mention.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41So, what's wrong with being a library...
0:04:41 > 0:04:45Oh, I see, suddenly my job compares unfavourably to Brinsley's.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47What does Brinsley do, Mother?
0:04:47 > 0:04:50Fly Concorde with one hand tied behind his back?
0:04:50 > 0:04:54- He's a surveyor. - What, with a pole, you mean?
0:04:54 > 0:04:57He works on important building sites.
0:04:57 > 0:05:03He wears a hard hat and looks very well in it, too, I may say.
0:05:03 > 0:05:04I get the point, Mother.
0:05:04 > 0:05:08Brinsley sounds like something out of a real-ale commercial.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10He's been living off the fat of the land here for the past week
0:05:10 > 0:05:12to the exclusion of almost everybody else.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14- How's Father, by the way?- Who?
0:05:14 > 0:05:18You know, 68, greyish with hairy nostrils.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21Keeps clearing his throat as if to say something important
0:05:21 > 0:05:22and clears his throat again.
0:05:22 > 0:05:27- Oh, him!- Yes.- He's probably fiddling with his compost.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30Little else to fiddle with, poor old soul.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33Don't be so coarse. And you haven't washed yourself.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36You've been on a train
0:05:36 > 0:05:39and, with the expenses you get from the library,
0:05:39 > 0:05:40third class, I don't doubt.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43Mother, third class went out with chilblains.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45Any excuse not to wash your hands.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48You might as least go and clean yourself up for Brinsley.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50Oh, for Brinsley.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53And if you want to go tinkies, you'd better go now
0:05:53 > 0:05:57because I'm just going to run Brinsley's bath.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00He's a clean young man, unlike some.
0:06:00 > 0:06:05I'll bear that in mind, Mother, next time he sits on my head.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07COUGHING
0:06:07 > 0:06:12Has she gone? I just needed the matches.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14Hello, Father. I'm back.
0:06:14 > 0:06:19- Oh, yes. Brinsley back yet?- Why is everybody going on about Brinsley?
0:06:19 > 0:06:21- Mother's gone overboard about him. - Has she?
0:06:21 > 0:06:24- She hasn't been talking much to me. - Oh, that is awful.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26No, it's a blessed relief!
0:06:26 > 0:06:28It's a pleasure to have him here, too.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30We needed an active young man about the place.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33You remember that mangle that used to take up all the room in the shed?
0:06:33 > 0:06:38Well, you and I couldn't shift it. He threw it on a skip down the road!
0:06:38 > 0:06:41I could have done that.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43Man of action, that's what he is, a man of action.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45If I'd had a son like him, I could have been somebody.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48Thank you, Father. I am sick and tired of Brinsley.
0:06:48 > 0:06:49- Do you know what?- Yes?
0:06:49 > 0:06:52He planted out five dozen wallflowers yesterday
0:06:52 > 0:06:55in the time it takes me to put me boots on. Marvellous!
0:06:55 > 0:06:57All we need now is some sunshine.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00Well, Brinsley's just the man for that.
0:07:00 > 0:07:04- And we know just which bit it shines out of!- Language, Timothy!
0:07:04 > 0:07:06And you, Father.
0:07:06 > 0:07:10- Timothy, move that case. Brinsley might fall over it.- Might?
0:07:10 > 0:07:13Let's make absolutely sure, Mother, and put it in the middle.
0:07:13 > 0:07:19- Don't be so babyish. And take your things up to the attic.- The attic?
0:07:19 > 0:07:24- Didn't I tell you? You're in the attic. Brinsley has your room.- My...
0:07:24 > 0:07:27With all my things? I'm getting slung in the attic?
0:07:27 > 0:07:31I'm being slung out, Mother, for some fourth-rate, overgrown navvy?
0:07:31 > 0:07:36I've got some very, very private things in my room.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39If you mean those magazines, I threw them out.
0:07:39 > 0:07:44Not that Brinsley needs them. He has plenty of health and plenty of efficiency!
0:07:44 > 0:07:46Well, Mother, I'm going down to the pub,
0:07:46 > 0:07:48where at least one person may not be talking about Brinsley.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50Oh!
0:07:50 > 0:07:52Sh... Shanklin!
0:07:55 > 0:07:58I remember once - you're not going to believe this -
0:07:58 > 0:08:01but he made me eat a conker and told me it would
0:08:01 > 0:08:05grow into a big chestnut tree inside me. And I believed him.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07He used to roll up bits of barbed wire, put them down my...
0:08:07 > 0:08:10Tim, will you stop talking about this Brinsley?
0:08:10 > 0:08:13You've been banging on about him for the last half-hour. Give it a rest!
0:08:13 > 0:08:16All right, all right. All right!
0:08:16 > 0:08:20- Mum's the word.- Oh, don't talk about her, for pity's sake!
0:08:20 > 0:08:25- Frank, would I? Would I? - You always do.- All right, all right!
0:08:26 > 0:08:28How are things in your neck of the woods, by the way?
0:08:28 > 0:08:31Ah, well, as it happens,
0:08:31 > 0:08:34I've got a little something for you that could change your life totally.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37Not a Brinsley extractor?
0:08:37 > 0:08:40A penknife with a thing in it for digging Brinsley out?
0:08:40 > 0:08:42No, no, no, not Brinsley!
0:08:42 > 0:08:46Look, she's 5'4", Sagittarian and her name's Dawn.
0:08:46 > 0:08:50Look, Frank, I don't wish to seem ungrateful, you know,
0:08:50 > 0:08:53but I'd like to put this on record - I'd rather, to be honest,
0:08:53 > 0:08:56you didn't keep introducing me to girls, if you don't mind.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58Well, what do you want? Parrots?
0:08:59 > 0:09:02- Remember Deirdre?- Oh, yes, Deirdre.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05- Still, she liked you, though, didn't she?- Oh, she liked me, yeah.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07She liked everybody.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10- Well?- Well, she had a lot of experience, you know.
0:09:11 > 0:09:18And let's be frank, Frank, I come along and, you know...
0:09:19 > 0:09:22- Comparisons are bound to be made.- So?
0:09:22 > 0:09:28Well, I may not be exactly in the top ten, you see. Or in the first 50.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30So what?
0:09:30 > 0:09:32I mean, let's face it, Tim, at your age,
0:09:32 > 0:09:34the girls that you're likely to socialise with
0:09:34 > 0:09:36are not likely to be virgins.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39Frank, please, good heavens! I'm not insisting on virgins.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42Virgins, hahahah! Sorry, sorry.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45Virgins, goodness me! In this day and age, who is?
0:09:45 > 0:09:47- Well, I can think of one.- Who?
0:09:47 > 0:09:50- You. - Oh, Frank, please! Good heavens!
0:09:50 > 0:09:52That IS a good one.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54Me of all people! PHONE RINGS
0:09:54 > 0:09:59- That'll be for me.- Saved by the bell. - Thank you, Chris, I'll just take...
0:09:59 > 0:10:03- Get off!- Isn't it for me, then?- For you? No.- Sorry.
0:10:03 > 0:10:09- That's funny - it isn't Mother. I hope she's all right.- Oh, God!
0:10:09 > 0:10:11Well, I mean, she always rings about this time.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14Oh, she will be all right, she's got Brinsley, hasn't she?
0:10:14 > 0:10:16Brinsley with the great big gentle hands.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19- Timothy Lumsden, I don't believe it! - Believe what?
0:10:19 > 0:10:21- You're jealous!- Oh, haha!
0:10:21 > 0:10:24Your mother likes him better than she likes you and you're jealous!
0:10:24 > 0:10:27- Me?- Yes!- Her?- Yes!- Him!- Yes!- Jealous?
0:10:27 > 0:10:30Gentlemen, a little less noise, please. Thank you.
0:10:30 > 0:10:34- Pathetic! Jealous... - Yes, it is.- Very funny idea.
0:10:34 > 0:10:35Full marks for a funny idea.
0:10:35 > 0:10:3940 years she's been making your life a misery, by your own account.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41Now she's making someone else miserable, you can't take it.
0:10:41 > 0:10:45- No, you've got to be number one misery guts.- He's not miserable.
0:10:45 > 0:10:49- It's all being done for him. She's got this gingham apron...- Ohhh!
0:10:49 > 0:10:53All right, foolish, you say. She's also had a blue rinse.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56I mean, admittedly, she has the odd highlight for my birthday,
0:10:56 > 0:10:57but that's all.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59It's written all over your face.
0:10:59 > 0:11:03Written all over the table as well, you know. He's having very nice food.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05Real food, you know what I mean?
0:11:05 > 0:11:08Proper eating food, not leftovers or anything like that.
0:11:08 > 0:11:12- She likes him better than me, simple as that, Frank.- Where are you going?
0:11:12 > 0:11:15- I'm going home.- Come home, Oedipus, all is forgiven!
0:11:15 > 0:11:18No, no, I have left a case in the middle of the hall
0:11:18 > 0:11:21and I would not want Little Lord Brinsley to fall over it,
0:11:21 > 0:11:25impaling himself on Father's shooting stick horribly with blood everywhere.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27God, if Sigmund Freud could see you now!
0:11:27 > 0:11:29I'm going to have it out with Brinsley, that's the only way I...
0:11:29 > 0:11:35- Oh, sorry!- Oh, hello, Dawn! Tim, Dawn, this is Tim Lumsden.- Hello!
0:11:35 > 0:11:39- Hello! I'm sorry, I'm just... - You're Brinsley's cousin!
0:11:39 > 0:11:43That is right, yes. I am Brinsley's cousin.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46I am not me, I am Brinsley's cousin.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49The good Lord made Brinsley and there was a nasty bit left over
0:11:49 > 0:11:51and that happened to be me, yes.
0:11:51 > 0:11:55Yes, I am a nobody and he is Mr Wonderful.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57However, I am not, erm...
0:11:57 > 0:12:00Erm...
0:12:00 > 0:12:01A whatyoumacallit...
0:12:01 > 0:12:04A thing, erm... Sorry.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06Sorry, I've forgotten the word.
0:12:06 > 0:12:07A Christian scientist?
0:12:07 > 0:12:09No, a virgin.
0:12:09 > 0:12:14I'm sorry, I just forgot the word. It's so long since I've been one.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17Was that the one you wanted me to meet?
0:12:17 > 0:12:20What? Oh, no, no!
0:12:26 > 0:12:28PHYLLIS LAUGHS
0:12:28 > 0:12:30HE MIMICS THE LAUGH
0:12:30 > 0:12:33- Is it nice, Brinsley?- Mmm!
0:12:33 > 0:12:37- Is it very nice?- Mmm!
0:12:37 > 0:12:43Is it very, VERY nice? Oh, there's a little bit on your chin.
0:12:43 > 0:12:44Let Mummy do it!
0:12:44 > 0:12:47TIMOTHY CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:12:47 > 0:12:51Tim! Great! This is fantastic!
0:12:51 > 0:12:55I haven't seen you for years, not since you were little.
0:12:55 > 0:12:56You haven't changed a bit.
0:12:58 > 0:13:03- Hello, Brinsley.- Brinsley, you haven't had your cheese.- Cheese!
0:13:03 > 0:13:07Your mother is treating me like a king here, Timothy.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10You've never seen so much delicious food in your whole life.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12That's true, yes.
0:13:12 > 0:13:16Is there anything for me, Mother? You know, Timothy, your former son?
0:13:16 > 0:13:18Or perhaps I could have some of Brinsley's leftovers,
0:13:18 > 0:13:22- these little bits there?- Brinsley eats everything up, unlike some.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24You'll have to see what you can find in the kitchen
0:13:24 > 0:13:28and don't bring it in here. It's my ladies' bridge evening.
0:13:28 > 0:13:32- This is absolutely delicious, Auntie Phyllis.- Please, call me Phyllis.
0:13:32 > 0:13:36Stop it! Just a minute - Brinsley spoke with his mouth full.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39Any time I do that, Mother, I have to eat a second helping.
0:13:39 > 0:13:43When Brinsley speaks with his mouth full, I think it's rather manly.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45Oh, it isn't fair! That's not fair!
0:13:45 > 0:13:49Now, Brinsley, dear, there are eight sorts of chutney
0:13:49 > 0:13:52and Aunt Esme's pickled walnuts.
0:13:52 > 0:13:561967, no-one's ever been able to open the jar,
0:13:56 > 0:14:00but I'm sure you can, Brinsley, with your hands.
0:14:00 > 0:14:04Do you remember my bedroom window that you said was totally stuck?
0:14:04 > 0:14:07- Brinsley opened it. - Thank you very much, Brinsley.
0:14:07 > 0:14:08Do you think I might try it?
0:14:08 > 0:14:11Tim could have opened that window. It was only stuck with the paint.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21Well, it must have moved. I heard a crack.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23That was my neck.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26- I've done something to it, it's cricked.- Massage it! Massage!
0:14:26 > 0:14:28Brinsley's awfully good at massage.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31I know, I know! Get off, please!
0:14:31 > 0:14:34Let me try it one more time.
0:14:34 > 0:14:38Hrrrrrngh...
0:14:38 > 0:14:40Language, Timothy.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42Sorry, Father.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45I'm sorry, Brinsley. He shows off.
0:14:45 > 0:14:49It's just the same when he tries to get the top off his toothpaste.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52All right, you try it, Brinsley. Get your great big gentle hands on it.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55You're behaving in a most loutish manner. We have a guest!
0:14:56 > 0:15:01No, it's no use. Look, Tim, have one last try, come on, but do it gently.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04- I'm sure you moved it.- Gently. I'll try it gently.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06I accept the challenge.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10Ooh, God! Oh, look!
0:15:10 > 0:15:14- Look at that!- Look what you've done! Get out of this house at once!
0:15:14 > 0:15:18- I've got pickled walnuts all over me! - That's your fault!
0:15:18 > 0:15:21- Well...- I'm sorry.- No, it's my fault.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23I shouldn't have asked for pickled walnuts.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26- Tim, I'll buy you a drink at the pub.- You're not going to the pub.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28My bridge ladies are dying to meet you.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31Well, I haven't seen my dear old friend Tim for years
0:15:31 > 0:15:33and it was just bad luck spilling it, Auntie Phyllis.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35He did that on purpose.
0:15:35 > 0:15:39Brinsley has been here six whole days and he hasn't spilt a thing.
0:15:39 > 0:15:40Nobody's perfect, Mother.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42He wants to go to the pub, so he can't be all that perfect.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45You don't want to go, do you, Brinsley?
0:15:45 > 0:15:48- Well, yes, I would rather like to. - Hahahahah! Oh!
0:15:48 > 0:15:53- I'll get my wallet.- Wrap up warmly. Don't forget your scarf.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56- Yes, I will, Mother.- I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to Brinsley.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58Bye-bye, Mother.
0:16:00 > 0:16:04- Language, Timothy!- Sorry, Father.
0:16:05 > 0:16:09- 180! - CHEERING
0:16:10 > 0:16:13Oh, blimey, Tim, this Brinsley's good at darts.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16Well, he would be, wouldn't he? He's good at everything, isn't he?
0:16:16 > 0:16:19He can play Rock Of Ages on his belly button.
0:16:21 > 0:16:25- What?- Standing up in a hammock with roller-skates on. He's a bighead.
0:16:25 > 0:16:29Oh, come on, he seems like the nicest chap you could wish to meet.
0:16:29 > 0:16:32- He lent you a nice clean shirt. - Yeah, but look at this.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35Too big, isn't it? Look at that!
0:16:35 > 0:16:38- It makes me look silly. - Oh, you're paranoid, you are.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40By the way, what are we drinking champagne for?
0:16:40 > 0:16:42I was trying to get him drunk,
0:16:42 > 0:16:44but it's made absolutely no difference to him whatsoever.
0:16:44 > 0:16:45Well, you've had enough.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48- I'm all right, I'm walking. - Not at this rate, you won't be.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50PHONE RINGS That'll be Mother.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53I'm going to give her what for.
0:16:55 > 0:16:56Hello?
0:16:56 > 0:16:59This is Brinsley's cousin speaking.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02Yes, Mother. Yes. All right, then.
0:17:02 > 0:17:03Yes, all right, then.
0:17:03 > 0:17:08Brinsley? Brinsley? Phyllis...
0:17:08 > 0:17:11Phyllis would like a word with you.
0:17:11 > 0:17:15- Or Phyllie...as she's called.- Right.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22Is Brinsley having an affair with your wife?
0:17:22 > 0:17:25- He would be if I had one, yes.- What?
0:17:25 > 0:17:28Tell me, Dawn, has anybody ever told you
0:17:28 > 0:17:31what a very attractive young lady you are?
0:17:31 > 0:17:36- No.- Well, when this is all over, I very well may.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39Oh, really?
0:17:39 > 0:17:42Tim, I'm sorry, I've got to get back. Your mother wants me.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45- Are you coming? - Well, I might be coming, I might not.
0:17:45 > 0:17:50- Does it really matter in terms of the cosmos?- Time, gentlemen, please.
0:17:50 > 0:17:54Time, thank you, yes. Time, yes, it is indeed time.
0:17:54 > 0:17:55Time for me to go...
0:17:55 > 0:17:59Time for me... I'm going to emigrate. It is time for me to emigrate.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02I'm going to emigrate to Australia.
0:18:02 > 0:18:07I'm going to become a flying librarian. And I'm going to...
0:18:07 > 0:18:11- When their books are overdue, I'm going to bomb them.- You're legless.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13I'm motherless, hahaha!
0:18:13 > 0:18:16The world is my oyster, as long as there isn't an R in the month.
0:18:18 > 0:18:23I'm being a flying librarian. Pip-pip-pip-pip...
0:18:23 > 0:18:27- You don't think he'll get run over, do you?- Well, I shouldn't think so.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29That's the ladies'.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34- Two spades. - DOOR CLOSES
0:18:34 > 0:18:36No, Tim, no!
0:18:38 > 0:18:41Timothy! What is the meaning of this? What are you doing?
0:18:41 > 0:18:45- Get thee to a nunnery!- What?!
0:18:45 > 0:18:48Frailty, thy name is Phyllis.
0:18:48 > 0:18:52Go away. Go and sit in the kitchen with your father.
0:18:52 > 0:18:56He's always been highly strung, especially since O Levels.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00The toast is Brunsley and Mither.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02As I was saying in the pub - oh, you weren't in the pub,
0:19:02 > 0:19:05but, of course, that doesn't matter, nobody can be perfect -
0:19:05 > 0:19:09I'm going off to be or not to be the Flying Dutchman.
0:19:09 > 0:19:14I'm going to fly, do you understand, from library to library
0:19:14 > 0:19:18forever and ever until I find eternal love.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20Two no trumps.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25Thank you for your indulgence.
0:19:31 > 0:19:37- Timothy, get up! I know you're awake.- Oh, Mother...
0:19:37 > 0:19:42- My mouth is so dry!- It's ten to nine and you're not even dressed yet.
0:19:42 > 0:19:48- Oh, my God! Yes, I am.- You went to bed with your clothes on!
0:19:48 > 0:19:50I don't remember. My feet are in a bowl.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53Mother, I'm standing in a bowl. Why are my feet in a bowl?
0:19:55 > 0:20:00Brinsley put it there in case. It was very thoughtful of him.
0:20:00 > 0:20:06- And you haven't even used it. - Oh, no, Brinsley!
0:20:06 > 0:20:10I've never been so humiliated in my life.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12Your father and I have had a talk.
0:20:12 > 0:20:16It's been decided - the extra person will have to go.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18Oh, thank goodness for that!
0:20:18 > 0:20:21Well, I'm glad you're taking it so well.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24- Me? Me go? - Yes, and the sooner the better!
0:20:24 > 0:20:27Brinsley may get a permanent job here.
0:20:27 > 0:20:31He doesn't get blotto AND he can afford a decent rent -
0:20:31 > 0:20:32so he can have your room.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34He likes that bed.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36Mother, I'm going to stand up for my ri... Ooh!
0:20:38 > 0:20:43Mother, I'm going to have this out with Brinsley face-to-face.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46Face-to-face? You'll need something to stand on.
0:21:13 > 0:21:14Brinsley!
0:21:15 > 0:21:18Stay where you are. Don't run away.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20There's something I want to talk to you about.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22This has gone on long enough.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24Yes, it is a bit cold, isn't it?
0:21:24 > 0:21:26Just finishing.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28Right. Sorry, Tim.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31Now, listen, Brinsley, I don't want any beating about the bush...
0:21:31 > 0:21:33- Fancy some hair of the dog? - No, thank you.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35Come on, it'll warm you up a bit.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40Tim, I'm a louse.
0:21:40 > 0:21:47- What?- Call me a rat if you like. Or a chicken, that's what I've been.
0:21:47 > 0:21:51What do you mean? In some previous life, do you mean?
0:21:51 > 0:21:54No, this last week, I've been a rat.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56Not with Mother, I hope!
0:21:57 > 0:21:59Yes, with your mother, I admit it.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02Look, if you hadn't got that thing on your head, mate,
0:22:02 > 0:22:04I'd knock your block right off.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07I deserve it, I deserve it!
0:22:07 > 0:22:10I'm ratting on her. I'm going home today.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12What?
0:22:12 > 0:22:15Look, she's the best woman in the world,
0:22:15 > 0:22:18- but the fact is I cannot stand any more.- Any more what?
0:22:18 > 0:22:23The endless cups of tea, the awful nursery food, the baby talk,
0:22:23 > 0:22:25everything cut into soldiers.
0:22:25 > 0:22:29And ironing my socks - I mean, what sort of woman irons socks,
0:22:29 > 0:22:31for heaven's sake?
0:22:31 > 0:22:34Isn't ironing socks at all widespread, then?
0:22:34 > 0:22:36I'm saying terrible things about your mother.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39I'm sorry, but I'm getting out.
0:22:40 > 0:22:44- I thought you were staying forever! - Ha, she's...
0:22:44 > 0:22:48I'm sorry, your mother wouldn't let me alone until I promised,
0:22:48 > 0:22:52- but I cannot take any more. - Any more what?
0:22:52 > 0:22:56Look, there is just one thing I want to say to you.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59- What?- You're fantastic.
0:23:01 > 0:23:05What? I mean... In what sort of way?
0:23:05 > 0:23:09I have been a week with your mother and I am a broken man.
0:23:09 > 0:23:13You've had it for 40 years. Are you Superman?
0:23:15 > 0:23:19- Well, one does what one can. - You should get a medal.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21I think you're brilliant, magic.
0:23:22 > 0:23:27But it's a trick one learns, you know.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30- I'm a survivor.- You're a brick.
0:23:32 > 0:23:33Well, half a brick!
0:23:36 > 0:23:39I'm glad you came today. I wasn't even going to say goodbye.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41I've got all my stuff in the car.
0:23:43 > 0:23:44There we are.
0:23:46 > 0:23:50Oh, you remember Dawn last night?
0:23:50 > 0:23:52Dawn... Dawn, yes! Yes!
0:23:52 > 0:23:54As a matter of fact,
0:23:54 > 0:23:56I was thinking of trying it on there one of these days.
0:23:56 > 0:24:01- She's here.- Well, thinking about it, you know, theoretically, so to speak.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03Hello, Tim!
0:24:05 > 0:24:08Hello, Dawn - and goodbye.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10- Bye, Tim.- See you.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13Yes, yes. Goodbye!
0:24:16 > 0:24:19Brinsley, Brinsley! Hang on a second, sorry!
0:24:19 > 0:24:23- What?- Erm...
0:24:23 > 0:24:29You know...the other day when I opened that jar...
0:24:30 > 0:24:34- You know, the pickled walnuts?- Yes?
0:24:35 > 0:24:38You didn't...
0:24:38 > 0:24:42- loosen the lid, did you, to help me? - No, of course not!
0:24:43 > 0:24:46- Really?- Scout's honour.
0:24:48 > 0:24:53Cheerio, then! On your way. Ha, don't know my own strength!
0:24:53 > 0:24:56CAR DRIVES OFF
0:24:59 > 0:25:03Well, monarch of all I survey, really.
0:25:05 > 0:25:06What a dump!
0:25:09 > 0:25:11Hello, Mother!
0:25:11 > 0:25:15Father... Ah, hello, Mother.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17Don't tell me, don't tell me -
0:25:17 > 0:25:19something upsetting on The Archers, eh?
0:25:19 > 0:25:21Phil Archer talks about animal husbandry
0:25:21 > 0:25:23and Shula comes back from The Bull?
0:25:25 > 0:25:27- He's gone.- What, the bull?
0:25:29 > 0:25:32Brinsley. His things have gone.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34Oh, cheer up, Mother!
0:25:34 > 0:25:38Gone with never a word! How could he?
0:25:39 > 0:25:42Not even a note!
0:25:42 > 0:25:47Oh, Mother, dear, he had to go, you see, he had to go very quickly.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50It was an emergency.
0:25:50 > 0:25:56- Where to?- Well, I don't know, it was all very sort of hush-hush, you know.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59He wanted to ring you, I know that, he did want to ring you,
0:25:59 > 0:26:02but his phone was out of order, you know,
0:26:02 > 0:26:05so he phoned me at the library
0:26:05 > 0:26:12and he told me to be sure to say how sorry he was et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
0:26:12 > 0:26:18And also to say that he enjoyed every moment he was here.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20Did he?
0:26:20 > 0:26:23Really?
0:26:23 > 0:26:26- Enjoyed every moment? - Yup, scout's honour, you know.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28He quite definitely said that.
0:26:28 > 0:26:31He responded to me as a woman, Timothy.
0:26:31 > 0:26:37Yes, he said that, too. He made a particular point of that.
0:26:37 > 0:26:40- Did he?- Mmm.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42What were his exact words?
0:26:47 > 0:26:49Well, he said, erm...
0:26:50 > 0:26:53He said, "I responded to her as a woman."
0:26:55 > 0:26:58Don't worry, I won't tell Father!
0:26:58 > 0:27:03Never mind your father. Oh, I feel so much better!
0:27:03 > 0:27:07Now, no more of this silly talk of going to Australia.
0:27:07 > 0:27:09No, of course not.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12Because you're my firstest and bestest boy, aren't you?
0:27:12 > 0:27:14Yes, of course I am.
0:27:14 > 0:27:18And now, who's going to get his favourite suppy-wup?
0:27:18 > 0:27:20Don't get carried away, Mother.
0:27:20 > 0:27:23I'm going to go down the pub later on to have a drink with...
0:27:23 > 0:27:25- No pubbies tonight! - Oh, yes, Mother...
0:27:25 > 0:27:30And before his lovely tea, who's going to get a great big kiss?
0:27:30 > 0:27:34- Mother, come on!- Timmykins! - No, Mother!
0:27:34 > 0:27:36Mother!
0:27:37 > 0:27:42Come on, Timkins! Timmy! Oh! Timothy, where are you going?
0:27:42 > 0:27:45- Leave me, Mother!- Timothy?
0:27:45 > 0:27:47TIMOTHY!
0:27:47 > 0:27:49Now, stop!
0:27:53 > 0:27:55Mother... Oh!