0:00:39 > 0:00:41One...two...
0:00:41 > 0:00:43Oh, dear!
0:00:44 > 0:00:47One...two... Oh!
0:00:49 > 0:00:53One...two...three... Oh, dear.
0:00:54 > 0:00:57That'll do.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59Now...press-ups.
0:01:02 > 0:01:03One.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05LAUGHTER
0:01:05 > 0:01:06Are you in there?
0:01:06 > 0:01:09No, Mother, I'm at the bottom of the garden.
0:01:09 > 0:01:10Don't exaggerate.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12What are you doing?
0:01:12 > 0:01:15I'm thinking of doing the other half of this press-up.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18Well, don't, you'll wake Aunt Esme.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21Do I have to remind you that she's our guest?
0:01:21 > 0:01:24No, Mother, you've been reminding me every minute, on the minute, since she came here.
0:01:24 > 0:01:27What are you dressed up like that for? Where are you going?
0:01:27 > 0:01:31Twice round the park. You coming, Mother? You can nag me as we go.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33You're not going anywhere.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36Aunt Esme's husband, your Great-Uncle Edgar,
0:01:36 > 0:01:39was the man who invented flypaper.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41Oh, that's different, Mother, I'm sorry!
0:01:41 > 0:01:44How could I think of running round the park in that case? Good heavens!
0:01:44 > 0:01:47People will say, "There goes that fellow whose great-uncle invented flypaper.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50"Oh, he's running, aargh, disgusting."
0:01:50 > 0:01:52What are you talking about?
0:01:52 > 0:01:54I don't know, Mother, I'm just wittering on here.
0:01:54 > 0:01:58Well, I'm talking about, as you very well know,
0:01:58 > 0:02:00M-O-N-E-Y.
0:02:00 > 0:02:04- Money?- We don't talk about money in this house.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07Yes, you do, Mother, constantly. Particularly when Aunt Esme's here.
0:02:07 > 0:02:12Your Father, who's a typical Lumsden, came to our marriage with nothing.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15Luckily for you, there was a bit of gumption on my side
0:02:15 > 0:02:17of the family...and money.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20There's certainly no flies on Great-Uncle Edgar.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23Not surprised, Mother, they're all on the flypaper.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25Don't be frivolous.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27I'm doing all this for you.
0:02:27 > 0:02:31With Aunt Esme's money, you could have a really good start in life.
0:02:31 > 0:02:35A good start, Mother? It's almost too late for a good middle!
0:02:35 > 0:02:38I want you to make something of yourself, Timothy.
0:02:38 > 0:02:42I'm not a kit, Mother. You know, I'm fully assembled, you know?
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Give or take a few odd pieces.
0:02:45 > 0:02:49- I'm not listening and don't let Aunt Esme see those shoes.- Why?
0:02:49 > 0:02:52Well, I don't want her to think that we've got money to
0:02:52 > 0:02:56- waste on fripperies like that. - Sebastian Coe wears these.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59Well, they certainly don't make him sing any better.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01LAUGHTER
0:03:01 > 0:03:03He's not a singer, Mother.
0:03:03 > 0:03:07- He certainly isn't, you can tell him that, from me.- Oh, I give up.
0:03:07 > 0:03:11Give up? Oh, yes, typical. So did your father.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13You were very nearly an only child.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16Flypaper!
0:03:21 > 0:03:23"What are you doing, Timothy? Are you in there, Timothy?
0:03:23 > 0:03:26"Are you breathing, Timothy? Stop it at once..."
0:03:26 > 0:03:27Ooh!
0:03:27 > 0:03:30Oh...dogs!
0:03:30 > 0:03:32LAUGHTER
0:03:32 > 0:03:34Dogs.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37BARKING
0:03:37 > 0:03:41Oi! Oi!
0:03:41 > 0:03:44Excuse me...
0:03:44 > 0:03:47Oi, excuse me...
0:03:47 > 0:03:48Is this yours?
0:03:48 > 0:03:49What?
0:03:49 > 0:03:51This. Is this yours?
0:03:51 > 0:03:52The shoe?
0:03:52 > 0:03:57Not the shoe. The addition. You know, the whatsit. The decorative border.
0:03:57 > 0:04:01- Oh, you mean the doings? - The doings, yes. Is it yours?
0:04:01 > 0:04:04Well, it's not mine, could be one of the dogs'.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07- It was one of your dogs, I saw it. - Then why did you step in it, then?
0:04:07 > 0:04:08Well, that is not the point!
0:04:08 > 0:04:11I saw the dog do it, I know which one it was. It was that one, him.
0:04:11 > 0:04:12Her.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15Raquel, was that you?
0:04:15 > 0:04:18Have you been doing your doings where you oughtn't to have done?
0:04:18 > 0:04:20All right, all right, if it happens again,
0:04:20 > 0:04:23don't think I won't be afraid to go to the authorities.
0:04:23 > 0:04:24Well, I shouldn't do that if I were you.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27I only have to say the word to these two and they'll have you.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30Don't you threaten me, you can get fined around here for that.
0:04:30 > 0:04:34Oh, well, Raquel will need time to pay, she's broke.
0:04:34 > 0:04:35Cheerio, twinkle toes.
0:04:35 > 0:04:39Oh, and if it should happen again, don't worry, finders keepers.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42Come on. Come on.
0:04:42 > 0:04:43And you.
0:04:57 > 0:05:02Come on, pigeons. Come and do your doings on this nice man's car.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05Come on. Come on, then. Come on, pigeons.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15Eggy-peggies.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17Where is Timothy?
0:05:17 > 0:05:20He's not still doing that stupid running, is he?
0:05:20 > 0:05:22- Running? What a good idea!- Oh!
0:05:22 > 0:05:25Oh, yes, isn't it?
0:05:25 > 0:05:29He looks after himself so well and he thinks when he's running.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31- Doesn't he, Sidney?- Eh, what?
0:05:31 > 0:05:36Well, you know, ideas, schemes...for investment.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39Not that he isn't very careful with money.
0:05:39 > 0:05:44Do you know, he queued up on the very first day for granny bonds.
0:05:45 > 0:05:49- Can I take your knitting? - Thank you, Phyllis.- Ooh, lovely.
0:05:49 > 0:05:54Timothy knits, you know. He knitted himself a purse.
0:05:54 > 0:05:58- He's so careful with money, isn't he, Sidney?- Is he?
0:05:58 > 0:06:00Oh, here you are.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02Good gracious me.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05Oh, breakfast in the dining room, eh?
0:06:05 > 0:06:09Last time we were in here was for the lying in state of the canary.
0:06:10 > 0:06:14Oh, lovely to see you. Well, how are you this morning, Esme?
0:06:14 > 0:06:16Great-Aunt Esme.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19A little tired. It was a long drive for an old lady.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22Oh, I'm sure, yes. I'm sure.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25I was only thinking, you know, that we really only met twice before.
0:06:25 > 0:06:29The last time was, of course, Uncle Edgar's funeral.
0:06:29 > 0:06:33Timothy, please, we don't talk about funerals at this house
0:06:33 > 0:06:35and particularly not at breakfast.
0:06:35 > 0:06:39We all loved Edgar, even though we were, none of us,
0:06:39 > 0:06:40lucky enough to know him.
0:06:41 > 0:06:46But of one thing I'm sure, he's in a better place than this.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48That wouldn't be too difficult!
0:06:48 > 0:06:51Timothy, eat your Rice Krispies.
0:06:51 > 0:06:55- Grape-Nuts, Mother. - Language, Timothy!
0:06:55 > 0:06:56Shut up, Sidney.
0:06:56 > 0:06:57Fair enough.
0:07:00 > 0:07:05Timothy's doing awfully well at the library, aren't you, Timothy?
0:07:08 > 0:07:09Pardon?
0:07:09 > 0:07:10SHE MOUTHS
0:07:10 > 0:07:12What are you trying to say, Mother?
0:07:12 > 0:07:15Are you having trouble with your teeth, or what?
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Or are we having subtitles for this bit?
0:07:17 > 0:07:19Be quiet.
0:07:19 > 0:07:24He's really a very sweet boy and he is doing well at the library.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27Mind you, they don't pay them very much.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30Mother, I thought in this household we didn't discuss M-O-N-E-Y?
0:07:30 > 0:07:32Sh!
0:07:32 > 0:07:34He's very sensitive, you know,
0:07:34 > 0:07:39when he was a little boy, he saw a snap of me taken when I was...
0:07:39 > 0:07:40carrying
0:07:40 > 0:07:45and, do you know, he apologised for giving me a big tummy.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47I thought that was me!
0:07:47 > 0:07:50TIMOTHY AND SIDNEY LAUGH
0:07:50 > 0:07:53SIDNEY WHEEZES
0:07:53 > 0:07:55Don't be disgusting!
0:07:55 > 0:07:58Timothy...don't encourage him.
0:08:00 > 0:08:04I think Timothy's a little overexcited with your being here.
0:08:06 > 0:08:10Every night when he says his prayers, last of all he says,
0:08:10 > 0:08:11"God bless Aunt Esme."
0:08:11 > 0:08:14- TIMOTHY BASHES HIS EGG REPEATEDLY - And then I tuck him up.
0:08:14 > 0:08:19He saves all his pennies, he has a great sense of respons...
0:08:19 > 0:08:21What are you doing with that egg?!
0:08:21 > 0:08:22Pretending it's you, Mother!
0:08:22 > 0:08:25SHE LAUGHS
0:08:25 > 0:08:27Who was it who said,
0:08:27 > 0:08:31"The family that laughs together, stays together?"
0:08:31 > 0:08:32Nobody, Mother.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35And it's not true and it doesn't rhyme.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37SHE LAUGHS
0:08:43 > 0:08:46I've just been down to the park, Aunt Esme.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49He says he's just been down to the park, Aunt Esme.
0:08:49 > 0:08:53- And what did you do there, Timothy? - I trod in something.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56He says he trod in some...
0:08:56 > 0:08:59Timothy, Esme doesn't want to know about that,
0:08:59 > 0:09:01especially when she's eating her egg.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03It was nothing like an egg, Mother, not remotely.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06- That's got nothing to do with it. - Oh, but I do.- Do what, dear?
0:09:06 > 0:09:09I want to hear about it. I'm most interested. You see, I...
0:09:09 > 0:09:14Oh, that's all right, then. Aunt Esme does want to hear...
0:09:14 > 0:09:16I know, Mother, I know.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18Aunt Esme and I can have a conversation without
0:09:18 > 0:09:20the use of an interpreter, you know.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23Aunt Esme is a woman of the world.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26She's probably seen more dogs' doings than we've had hot dinners.
0:09:26 > 0:09:27Timothy!
0:09:27 > 0:09:31- Sorry, cold dinners, Mother. - Timothy!- Sorry, Father.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33Don't be misled, Esme.
0:09:33 > 0:09:38He's a wonderful son in every possible way - kind, generous,
0:09:38 > 0:09:42- but careful. - Mother, Aunt Esme knows life.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45You're not going to be able to persuade her that I'm
0:09:45 > 0:09:47a cross between Goody Two-Shoes and Nicholas Parsons.
0:09:47 > 0:09:52- You are a sweet boy.- I am not, Mother.- Yes, you are.- No, I'm not!
0:09:52 > 0:09:56I once stuck chewing gum under my chair at the church.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59I live in the real world, Mother, the world of dog-eat-dog,
0:09:59 > 0:10:01the world of dogs' doings.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03Will you be quiet about dogs?
0:10:03 > 0:10:06I was once thrown off a bus for spitting, you know.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09It wasn't actually me. And when you thought dear sweet little me
0:10:09 > 0:10:12was out in the garden digging dear sweet little me's garden,
0:10:12 > 0:10:15I was, in fact, killing greenfly with a magnifying glass.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17Good boy, Timothy.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19Shut up, Sidney.
0:10:19 > 0:10:20And as for being careful with money,
0:10:20 > 0:10:25I once lost £4.13 and seven pence on the throw of a single conker
0:10:25 > 0:10:29and on a Saturday night when I've had a few, or let's face it,
0:10:29 > 0:10:32when I've had one, I'm nothing short of an evil-minded, foul-mouthed,
0:10:32 > 0:10:34over-bearing rapscallion.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39It's a stage he's going through.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44And it's not "a stage I'm going through", either!
0:10:44 > 0:10:46SHE LAUGHS
0:10:49 > 0:10:50- SIDNEY:- Who's in there?
0:10:55 > 0:10:57- Are you alone?- Yes, all clear.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04Have you been in here all morning?
0:11:04 > 0:11:07I thought you were inside, trying to impress Aunt Esme.
0:11:07 > 0:11:11Oh, dear, I got fed up with Mother parading my virtues.
0:11:11 > 0:11:15When she sent me to get my A Level certificates, I got out of it.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18Well, she stopped parading my virtues 40 years ago.
0:11:20 > 0:11:21Oh, dear, she's doing that
0:11:21 > 0:11:25"decent folk with not a penny to their name" bit at the moment.
0:11:25 > 0:11:29Aunt Esme's sitting there, Mother's turning all my shirt collars,
0:11:29 > 0:11:31they don't need turning.
0:11:31 > 0:11:35She even put leather patches on the elbow of my dressing gown.
0:11:35 > 0:11:38- Keep her busy, Timothy. - Yeah, I know, we've all got to suffer, haven't we?
0:11:38 > 0:11:40Aunt Esme must be bored to tears.
0:11:40 > 0:11:44Do you know what Mother's doing now in order to show how careful we've got to be with money?
0:11:44 > 0:11:50She has gone out and bought a 28lb tin of ex-WD apricot jam.
0:11:50 > 0:11:54- It'll take us a year to eat that. - Not me, I don't eat apricot.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56Oh, thank you very much, two years, then.
0:11:56 > 0:11:57LAUGHTER
0:11:57 > 0:11:59It's all in a good cause, this, you know, Timothy.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02A bit of money could set you up in the world, you know?
0:12:02 > 0:12:05Little sports car, eh? Brum, brum...
0:12:05 > 0:12:09Cheese cutter... String-back gloves... Spaniel...
0:12:09 > 0:12:13I don't want a Spaniel, Father. I've got a pair of string-back gloves.
0:12:13 > 0:12:18Well, one, anyway. I mean, as a boy all I needed was £10, that's all.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21- Well, £10 wouldn't have got you far. - Australia?
0:12:24 > 0:12:27Oh, cheer up, Timmy. I know what will make you laugh.
0:12:27 > 0:12:32It always used to when you were little, remember? Watch this.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34SIDNEY SQUEAKS
0:12:34 > 0:12:36THEY LAUGH
0:12:36 > 0:12:37Oh, dear.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41Now for the bad news...
0:12:42 > 0:12:46- We're all going to the library after tea.- What?
0:12:46 > 0:12:50- Yeah, to show Aunt Esme where you work.- Oh, no, goodness...
0:12:50 > 0:12:53I don't want her money. I'm going to hide in the coal bunker.
0:12:53 > 0:12:57No, I've got a better idea, let's go and hide in the pub.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00Now? In broad daylight?
0:13:00 > 0:13:01Mother will hear us start the car.
0:13:01 > 0:13:02No, no, no...
0:13:02 > 0:13:06We'll push it down the drive and start it up around the corner.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09Oh, ho-ho, very good thinking!
0:13:09 > 0:13:11One-up to the escape committee.
0:13:11 > 0:13:15Officer material, Timothy, runs in the family.
0:13:16 > 0:13:17What, your nose, you mean?
0:13:25 > 0:13:28SIDNEY COUGHS AND WHEEZES
0:13:37 > 0:13:38You drive.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47It's locked.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49Here's the key.
0:13:55 > 0:13:56Oh, this is all a terrible dream.
0:13:58 > 0:14:03Just let me waken up and I promise not to stick any more chewing gum under thy chairs.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07- It's hit a skip. - Yes, I had noticed, Father.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09- What do you want to do that for? - What did I want to do it...?
0:14:09 > 0:14:11Suddenly I'm all alone? Look, we're in this together.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14- It's not good enough, Timothy. - Not good enough?
0:14:14 > 0:14:16Would you like me to get out and do it again?
0:14:16 > 0:14:18- What about damage to the skip?- Oh.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21You've really gone and done it now.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23Look, please, this is a family matter, pure and simple,
0:14:23 > 0:14:26- mind your own business.- Timothy. - Sorry, Father.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28This'll be the devil's own job to get repaired.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31- Stupid idea of yours in the first place.- My idea?
0:14:31 > 0:14:33Now I see what you mean about officer material.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36- Well, I'm going home, it's nothing to do with me.- Oh, that's charming.
0:14:36 > 0:14:37Leaving the sinking ship.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40No, it's not that, Timothy, your mother will skin me alive.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42And have me for afters!
0:14:42 > 0:14:45We're supposed to be going out this afternoon.
0:14:45 > 0:14:46Where will I get this repaired before then?
0:14:46 > 0:14:49- It's going to cost you a pretty packet, too.- Me? Me?
0:14:49 > 0:14:51You'll have to go to Denny Willman's.
0:14:51 > 0:14:55Look, when I want your advice, I'll ask for it.
0:14:55 > 0:14:59- Where did you say?- Denny Willman's, he does quick lash-ups.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02You go over the level crossing, past Turner's and first left.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04Right.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17DOGS BARK
0:15:20 > 0:15:21Shut up, Raquel.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35Yes, chief?
0:15:38 > 0:15:40ASSUMES FAKE ACCENT: Hello, please...
0:15:40 > 0:15:43You mend my car...
0:15:43 > 0:15:46OK? The bonnet is chop-chop. OK?
0:15:46 > 0:15:48God help us!
0:15:48 > 0:15:49Where are you from?
0:15:49 > 0:15:51Greece. I'm Greek.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53Ah! Kalos irthes!
0:15:53 > 0:15:54Eh?
0:15:54 > 0:15:58HE SPEAKS GREEK
0:16:01 > 0:16:03All right, well, I'm not THAT Greek.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09- I know you, don't I? - No, don't think so.
0:16:09 > 0:16:10Take them glasses off.
0:16:10 > 0:16:11No, no, no, no.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16You, this morning, in the park,
0:16:16 > 0:16:19you made them pigeons go all over me motor.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21- No, I didn't.- Yes, you did.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23All right, I did, but it was only a joke.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25Well, it took me 20 minutes to get off.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28Well, I'm very sorry, I'm sorry, it was only a joke, you know?
0:16:28 > 0:16:30- I'm very sorry.- I'm sorry too, but it's not enough.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32All right, I'm very, very, very, very, very sorry.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34It could cost you, that could.
0:16:34 > 0:16:38All right, all right, then, grovel, grovel, grovel. Humble pie.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40Oily rag, rub nose in it, eh?
0:16:40 > 0:16:43- Rub your nose again, eh? Is that better?- What are you doing that for?
0:16:43 > 0:16:46Oh, I don't know, I just thought it might make it... Come over here.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49Look at this. Some fellow has... hit-and-run driver
0:16:49 > 0:16:54- hit my car, look at that.- Oh, dear. Oh, dear, oh, dear.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56Now, that IS going to cost you.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59And what with my backlog... Wednesday all right?
0:16:59 > 0:17:03Wednesday? Oh, I was rather hoping for Tuesday.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06Leaning towards Monday, at a pinch Sunday.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08Actually, I need it today.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11Well, you up the ante, old son, and you can have it yesterday.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13Oh, you can do it, then? All right, then, we'll say that.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15- Tea-time?- You must be made of money.
0:17:15 > 0:17:19Well, no, I could take your dogs for a walk if you like. I like dogs.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21Well, I like pilchards but it's still going to cost you.
0:17:21 > 0:17:25- Plus your VAT, 25%. - Of course, of course.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28Well, we'll give it a go. You come back at six.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30Six, right... No, tea-time - four.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33Oh, posh tea-time? Well, it's extra for being middle class.
0:17:35 > 0:17:39- Only fair, isn't it? Good gracious, I shall miss my lunch.- Oh, luncheon?
0:17:39 > 0:17:41Better run.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43Hey, I shouldn't run in this place if I was you.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45DOGS BARK
0:17:45 > 0:17:48Oh, put him down, Raquel.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51Is there anything I can do, Phyllis?
0:17:51 > 0:17:54Yes, you can get out from under my feet.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56I thought you were meant to be entertaining Esme.
0:17:56 > 0:18:00Show her those pictures of Tim in the nativity play.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03He looks such a poppet in swaddling clothes.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06- Fair enough.- And give her a glass of sherry.- Can do.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08Ouch! Ooh! Lummy-kins!
0:18:09 > 0:18:11Oh, sorry.
0:18:11 > 0:18:12Where have you been?
0:18:12 > 0:18:15Something terrible's happened to your nose.
0:18:15 > 0:18:16It's just a bit of oil, that's all.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18There's nothing wrong with the car, is there?
0:18:18 > 0:18:20No, no, no, no, what? No.
0:18:20 > 0:18:24- Then why are you covered in oil? - Well, it's...
0:18:24 > 0:18:27it's rag week. Oily rag week, you know.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30Students from the technical college, you know.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33If you don't give them 50p, they rub your nose with an oily rag.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36Boys will be boys...and girls, of course.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38I don't mean boys will be girls, that would be...
0:18:38 > 0:18:40Who's been at your trousers?
0:18:40 > 0:18:42Raquel, Mother.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44Don't worry, it's a dog.
0:18:44 > 0:18:48She got very annoyed with me cos I trod in something she'd done. Again.
0:18:48 > 0:18:49Not when I'm cooking, please.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52Have you got any more...?
0:18:52 > 0:18:53Hello, Father.
0:18:53 > 0:18:57Everything is OK with the car, bingo. Bingo with the car.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00- What do you mean, bingo? - Bingo with the car.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02Bingo? Have you been at bingo?
0:19:02 > 0:19:05No, no, Mother, I'm just telling Father that everything is all right.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07What? Everything all right?
0:19:07 > 0:19:08You won at bingo?
0:19:08 > 0:19:10- No, no.- You lost?
0:19:10 > 0:19:11No, no, I didn't.
0:19:11 > 0:19:15I've just been telling Esme how careful you are with your money.
0:19:15 > 0:19:16What are you doing back in here?!
0:19:16 > 0:19:18The sherry's all finished.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21Well, we've got more. I'm surrounded by idiots.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23Steady on, Phyllis.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25I'm not an idiot, Mother, I'll get you the sherry.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27No sooner said than done. Where is it?
0:19:27 > 0:19:30- It's in the boot of the car. - Ah, right.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34- In the boot?- Yes.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38- Of the car?- Yes.
0:19:39 > 0:19:43Go on, Timothy, don't dither. Oh, I'll get it.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46You wash your face properly and put some water on your hair,
0:19:46 > 0:19:48it's sticking up at the back.
0:19:48 > 0:19:52I'm going to ask Esme if she wants her tapioca hot or cold.
0:19:54 > 0:19:57- The car's not there!- I know that! I took it to be repaired.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00- Where's the sherry, then? - Still in it, I suppose.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02Good God! Coal bunker here I come.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05No, no, no, why don't you go outside,
0:20:05 > 0:20:08come back in and say you dropped it?
0:20:08 > 0:20:09What, all of it?
0:20:09 > 0:20:12Well, you can't drop half a bottle, can you?
0:20:12 > 0:20:14Seems a bit of a waste.
0:20:15 > 0:20:19Your Aunt Esme's dying of thirst in there.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21- Mother, I'm very worried about father.- Why?
0:20:21 > 0:20:23- He's dropping things.- No, he isn't.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26He is dropping things, Mother, all the time.
0:20:27 > 0:20:31Something you're going to have to live with, he is dropping things.
0:20:31 > 0:20:36Yesterday, he dropped several things on top of several other things.
0:20:36 > 0:20:40Anything that is smooth and shiny, he drops, Mother.
0:20:40 > 0:20:43- He doesn't!- Mother, he drops... - Phyllis, the bottle is...
0:20:43 > 0:20:46You're not going to tell me you've dropped it, are you?
0:20:46 > 0:20:49- Yes, how did you know? - Told you, Mother, you see?
0:20:50 > 0:20:53- Well, go and get the other one. - The other one?
0:20:55 > 0:20:58- There were two bottles in the boot. - Were there? Oh...
0:20:58 > 0:21:00I'll go, I'll go.
0:21:01 > 0:21:05- Phyllis.- Yes?- I'm a bit worried about Timothy.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07You're not going to tell me he keeps dropping things too?
0:21:07 > 0:21:09Good Lord, have you noticed as well?
0:21:09 > 0:21:11Must be hereditary, I've dropped it.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14I don't believe a word of this.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17- Hello, everyone.- Oh, Aunt Esme.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19It's rather cold and lonely in the front room.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21Oh, come here, sit down in the kitchen.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23Goodness me, didn't think about that.
0:21:23 > 0:21:26This is where it happens, isn't it, Father? Where's Mother?
0:21:26 > 0:21:28Where's the car?
0:21:28 > 0:21:32- What? It's not there, Father. - Isn't it?- No, it isn't.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35- Has somebody stolen it, Father? - Well, I didn't hear it go.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38Well, they're damn clever these days.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40They take them apart, you know.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43- But the garage doors are still locked.- Well, that proves it.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45And what about those two bottles you said you dropped?
0:21:45 > 0:21:49- There's no mess out there. - They must've pinched that as well.
0:21:50 > 0:21:54- Broken glass?- They'll stoop at nothing these people. Honestly.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56So, there is no sherry?
0:21:56 > 0:22:00Oh, Esme, why don't you go and sit in the front room?
0:22:00 > 0:22:04I've been sitting there for the last hour and it's too cold to knit.
0:22:04 > 0:22:05I'm going to phone the police.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08No, Mother, don't, I'm sure it will turn up, the car,
0:22:08 > 0:22:10probably about four o'clockish.
0:22:10 > 0:22:14- Well, why should it?- Well... These things, we don't worry about...
0:22:14 > 0:22:16Nonsense! I'm going to ring 999.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18Mother, don't ring the police, they'll be too busy.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20- Don't be so silly. - It's lunchtime, Mother!
0:22:20 > 0:22:25- Lunchtime? Lunch! The Yorkshire puddings!- Oh, my! Oh, dear.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28SHE COUGHS
0:22:30 > 0:22:33Good Lord! Home-made charcoal biscuits.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38- You ring the police, Timothy. - Yes, right, Mother.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47Hello, is that the police?
0:22:47 > 0:22:51This is Timothy Lumsden of 29 Ravenscroft Avenue.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54I'm ringing on behalf of my mother. I want to report a stolen car.
0:22:54 > 0:22:59Black Morris Minor, registration number XWA 792.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02Timothy, you are not speaking into the instrument.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07No, there's nobody here, actually. Sorry, sorry.
0:23:09 > 0:23:10Timothy, what is happening?
0:23:10 > 0:23:14Well, Aunt Esme, it's a long story but I do know what I'm doing.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16- Oh, no, you don't. - Oh, no, I don't.
0:23:17 > 0:23:21What's happened to the car? Where is it? What have you done with it?
0:23:21 > 0:23:26All right. You know the money that you may or may not be leaving to me?
0:23:26 > 0:23:28Yes.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31You don't happen to have any of it on you at the moment, do you?
0:23:36 > 0:23:39You don't need to come. You stay here and knit.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41I've been knitting the whole damn morning.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43I want to get my hands on that sherry.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46- Come on, we'll take my car. - All right, shall I drive?
0:23:46 > 0:23:48No way!
0:23:55 > 0:23:57Timothy, where are you going?
0:23:59 > 0:24:01Have you rung the police?
0:24:03 > 0:24:05I'll have to do it myself.
0:24:06 > 0:24:10DOG BARKS
0:24:12 > 0:24:15- There we are, chief.- Oh, lovely.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18- I even missed me dinner. Oh, luncheon, I should say.- Ha!
0:24:18 > 0:24:20Still, it is done.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22And I found a nice new wing on another motor.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25- Oh, great. - Who's this, your mother?
0:24:25 > 0:24:28No, no, it's my aunt. Aunt Esme, this is Mr Willman.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30- How do you do?- Charmed, I'm sure.
0:24:30 > 0:24:34Now, there was problems. It wasn't Morris Minor bodywork I found.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36What sort of problems, then?
0:24:36 > 0:24:37- Expensive problems.- Oh.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39I had to scrap the rest of the Buick.
0:24:41 > 0:24:45So that's 180 plus your VAT,
0:24:45 > 0:24:48- let's say 250.- What?!
0:24:48 > 0:24:51Oh, well, I could take the car in part payment, of course,
0:24:51 > 0:24:52but I don't want it.
0:24:54 > 0:25:00- RADIO:- Roger, X-ray, Tango, we have a stolen car. Morris Minor, black.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02X-ray, Whiskey, Alpha, 792.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05Reported by a Mrs Lumsden.
0:25:06 > 0:25:0879...
0:25:08 > 0:25:09This car's hot!
0:25:10 > 0:25:11Hot?
0:25:13 > 0:25:15What do you mean - overheating?
0:25:15 > 0:25:19- Nicked, stolen.- Oh, no, it's not. - Well, the police said it was.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21No, I promise you, it's...
0:25:21 > 0:25:25I'm afraid it is nicked, yes.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27Oh, you're trade, then?
0:25:27 > 0:25:31- Why didn't you say so? - Well, he's very modest.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33Oh, you two work in a parish, then?
0:25:33 > 0:25:35A couple of pros down from the Smoke, like?
0:25:35 > 0:25:37- Yes, I'm afraid we are.- A bit.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40I took you for a punter! Half pint of nothing.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45Let's call it 30 quid.
0:25:45 > 0:25:48And, as for the VAT, up them!
0:25:48 > 0:25:49Very gracious.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52Oh, no trouble, no trouble, and if you want the plates doing...
0:25:52 > 0:25:54No, no, it's all right.
0:25:54 > 0:25:58- No, no, no, any little job because Denny's your man.- 30 quid.
0:25:58 > 0:25:59Thank you.
0:25:59 > 0:26:03- Oh, my car needs a wash.- A wash?
0:26:03 > 0:26:05Yeah, yeah, we're doing a bit of a job down Bournemouth way,
0:26:05 > 0:26:07you know what I mean?
0:26:07 > 0:26:08Can't be too careful, you know what I mean?
0:26:08 > 0:26:13Oh, oh, oh, the carriage trade? Oh, say no more. I'll give it a waxing.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15- Thank you.- All right, Aunt Esme.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19Oh, Bonnie and Clyde ain't in it.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21DOG BARKS
0:26:21 > 0:26:24Put him down, Raquel, he's one of us.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30I thought I did that rather well.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32Cheers. Yes, there's hope for you yet.
0:26:33 > 0:26:36Only worry is, how are we going to get this car
0:26:36 > 0:26:39back into the garage without Mother seeing?
0:26:39 > 0:26:42That's the least of your worries. Look, the law.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51Can't go any faster. I've tried the choke.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01I shook them off.
0:27:01 > 0:27:05Sh! Yes, there it is, look, a helicopter.
0:27:06 > 0:27:08Do they have helicopters?
0:27:08 > 0:27:11- Don't you worry, it'll turn up soon enough.- I hope so.
0:27:16 > 0:27:20- I can't see them any more. Slow down.- What?
0:27:20 > 0:27:23- Hold tight, Aunt Esme, we're nearly home.- Slow down!
0:27:23 > 0:27:25CAR SKIDS AND THUDS
0:27:33 > 0:27:34Sorry.
0:27:44 > 0:27:45I can't sleep a wink.
0:27:47 > 0:27:52- You know, I can't sleep a wink. - Yes, Mum.- You threw it all away.
0:27:54 > 0:27:56What must Esme have thought of you?
0:27:56 > 0:28:00You woke her up, ruined lunch, crashed the car twice,
0:28:00 > 0:28:04demolished a police car and we never got to the library.
0:28:06 > 0:28:09She must think you're reckless, hard-driving,
0:28:09 > 0:28:12totally irresponsible and unworthy.
0:28:13 > 0:28:17- She told me who was going to get the money.- What?
0:28:17 > 0:28:20- Timothy, you're not fibbing, are you?- No.
0:28:20 > 0:28:23- She told you?- Yes.
0:28:23 > 0:28:26Timothy, are you pleased?
0:28:26 > 0:28:29- Yes, Mother.- VERY pleased?
0:28:29 > 0:28:33- Yes, Mother.- Oh, Timmy!
0:28:33 > 0:28:35We've done it.
0:28:35 > 0:28:37I knew I'd brought you up properly.
0:28:37 > 0:28:40It was that picture of you in the crib.
0:28:40 > 0:28:43The reason I'm pleased, Mother, is that Aunt Esme told me
0:28:43 > 0:28:46- that years ago she set up a trust fund...- Yes?
0:28:46 > 0:28:50..for the provision of dog lavatories throughout Britain.
0:28:54 > 0:28:56I think I'm going to be sick.
0:28:58 > 0:29:00Not while I'm drinking my cocoa, please.
0:29:04 > 0:29:08APPLAUSE