0:00:40 > 0:00:43LAUGHTER
0:00:44 > 0:00:48LAUGHTER
0:00:54 > 0:00:56LAUGHTER
0:00:57 > 0:00:59Oh!
0:00:59 > 0:01:01Oh!
0:01:01 > 0:01:02Oh, sorry!
0:01:05 > 0:01:07LAUGHTER
0:01:07 > 0:01:09Oh, sorry.
0:01:11 > 0:01:12Thank you. Sorry about that.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17Oh, sorry!
0:01:17 > 0:01:20LAUGHTER
0:01:24 > 0:01:25HE EXHALES: Ah!
0:01:33 > 0:01:36Complete waste of money. Hopeless.
0:01:36 > 0:01:40- What are you doing? - Oh! Ha ha. Sorry, sir.
0:01:40 > 0:01:41It's a new stroke.
0:01:41 > 0:01:45Still very secret. Very hush-hush, you know. Not in the handbook yet, you know.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47Tsh! Tsh! Bounce, boompt!
0:01:47 > 0:01:51Quickness of the hands, softly softly, you know. Hah!
0:01:51 > 0:01:55- Certainly gave Richard the run-around.- Oh, who won?- He did.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Could it be these new shoes?
0:01:57 > 0:02:01Not as quick round the court as they should be, you know what I mean?
0:02:01 > 0:02:06Oh, by the way, I thought I ought to tell you - I've proposed.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08Oh, good. Very good.
0:02:08 > 0:02:09Lovely. Pleased to hear it.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12Proposed what?
0:02:12 > 0:02:14Marriage, Tim. Marriage.
0:02:14 > 0:02:18Oh! Great. Lovely. Who to?
0:02:20 > 0:02:23- Well, to Jennifer!- Jennifer?
0:02:23 > 0:02:25Do I...do I know... do I know a Jennifer?
0:02:25 > 0:02:27- Jenny!- Oh, Jenny!
0:02:27 > 0:02:28Her!
0:02:28 > 0:02:31That Jennifer. Ah.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34- Who else would I propose to?- Well, I mean, you might have, you know...
0:02:34 > 0:02:36I've lived with her for six years.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38Ssh! Please!
0:02:38 > 0:02:42No need to shout about things like that, Frank - good heavens!
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Oh, that's lovely. Getting married.
0:02:44 > 0:02:48- Hah! She's not er, thingamabob, is she?- No, she's not!
0:02:48 > 0:02:51Of course she's not, no. It's the other thing, then, is it?
0:02:54 > 0:02:56Other thing? What other thing?
0:02:56 > 0:02:57Well, I don't know.
0:02:59 > 0:03:03- I mean...isn't there another thing? I mean, I don't know.- Oh, shut up!
0:03:03 > 0:03:05We're actually getting married because it's time we had kids.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08I don't want to be the oldest father in the playground at four o'clock.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11Ha ha! Nor do I, nor do I, mate.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13We've got to do something about it, really.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16I mean, there is a tide in the affairs of men.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19Exactly. And what are you waiting for, then?
0:03:19 > 0:03:22High tide! LAUGHTER
0:03:22 > 0:03:24Sorry.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26Jenny has her reservations, though.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28She reckons marriage does strange things to people.
0:03:28 > 0:03:32Oh, no. No, I don't think she's right there. Can't agree with you.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34I mean, I mean, look at my mother and father.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37No, don't look at my mother and father. No.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40Well, congratulations, anyway -
0:03:40 > 0:03:43from your oldest and best man friend.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46Best man friend. Best man?
0:03:46 > 0:03:49Yeah, well, er, actually, about being best man...
0:03:49 > 0:03:52Not the biggest, but certainly the best!
0:03:52 > 0:03:54Don't worry. I can do it. Toast the bridesmaid.
0:03:54 > 0:03:58- Read the funny telegrams. Say no more, Frank.- I've asked Richard.
0:04:01 > 0:04:02What?
0:04:02 > 0:04:04Now...now please understand, Tim.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06I mean, you're a great mate.
0:04:06 > 0:04:10Only it was Richard who introduced us and... Oh, bloody hell.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12I'm sorry. I've upset you.
0:04:12 > 0:04:13No, no, you haven't.
0:04:13 > 0:04:17LAUGHTER
0:04:19 > 0:04:21No, you haven't. At all.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24Richard's a, you know, good guy.
0:04:24 > 0:04:28Not the best at keeping the score in a squash match, but he's, you know...
0:04:28 > 0:04:31- I'm sorry, Tim.- Spilt milk under the bridge. Don't worry.
0:04:32 > 0:04:36As it happens, I'm not going to be free on that day, anyway.
0:04:36 > 0:04:37When did you say it was?
0:04:37 > 0:04:38LAUGHTER
0:04:38 > 0:04:40Saturday fortnight.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43- Just as I thought. Impossible. - Can't you even be there?
0:04:43 > 0:04:47Oh, I can BE there, yes, but I mean, you know, I'm absolutely up to my ears.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50You know what I mean? And then, of course, there's the squash, Frank.
0:04:50 > 0:04:54I hear the county team are scraping the bottom of the barrel. Hah!
0:04:54 > 0:04:57- I intend to be at the bottom of that barrel.- Good idea.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00I shall have to work on my overhead shot...oh, sorry, Frank.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03Mind you, most of my shots are overhead! Ha ha! Oh, dear!
0:05:11 > 0:05:13Richard!
0:05:13 > 0:05:15What are you doing up there?
0:05:15 > 0:05:17Timothy hit seven balls up here
0:05:17 > 0:05:20and Joe Muggins has got to get them down.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22Well, watch yourself on that ladder.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25Actually, Frank, HE put them up there.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29Not the best man at everything.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31I'm sorry, Tim. I'm sorry.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33There's no need to apologise, Frank.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35I'm a virtuoso on the second fiddle.
0:05:35 > 0:05:39You might say I'm used to riding on the pillion seat of life!
0:05:47 > 0:05:49LAUGHTER
0:05:51 > 0:05:55I wouldn't fancy bumping into her on a dark night.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58One chop to the wedding bells and goodnight, vicar!
0:05:58 > 0:05:59LAUGHTER
0:06:07 > 0:06:09Oi!
0:06:09 > 0:06:11- Hello.- Is this the sports centre?
0:06:11 > 0:06:12- Yes.- Ta.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18Listen, Tim. Look, instead of being the best man, why...
0:06:18 > 0:06:20Look, I'm not going to be a page.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24As it is, the velvet suit is worn out.
0:06:27 > 0:06:31No, what I was going to say was, be an usher.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Look, don't worry.
0:06:33 > 0:06:37Richard is the best man, and that's that.
0:06:37 > 0:06:42Let's hope he doesn't fall of that ladder and damage the bit where his brains are.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45I've got to do some practice on these flicks off the back wall, you know.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47And the forehand - gone. It's gone.
0:06:52 > 0:06:53Ta, mate!
0:06:59 > 0:07:01Put the lights back on!
0:07:01 > 0:07:02Argh!
0:07:08 > 0:07:11- Is that you, Timothy?- Er, no.
0:07:11 > 0:07:12It's Sammy the Centipede.
0:07:14 > 0:07:15Have you wiped your feet?
0:07:15 > 0:07:18I've got 100. Give me a chance.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22Hello, Mother. What sort of time do I call this?
0:07:22 > 0:07:27I call it 9.30. "Don't be silly. That is not the point." Quite right. Sorry, mother. End of warm welcome.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29- Don't be impertinent. - Don't be impertinent.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32Sorry, I forgot that as well, sorry. Don't be impertinent.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Ah, good heavens. Ah!
0:07:34 > 0:07:37Only two mugs, mother? Where's father?
0:07:37 > 0:07:42SHE CLEARS HER THROAT Oh, it's "hmm-hmm!" is it?
0:07:42 > 0:07:45- I don't know what you mean. - Have you had a tiny tiff?
0:07:45 > 0:07:47Where have you buried him?
0:07:47 > 0:07:48LAUGHTER
0:07:48 > 0:07:51We don't mention your father in this house.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54As far as I'm concerned, you haven't got a father.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57I knew it. I knew it.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59I'm a test-tube baby!
0:07:59 > 0:08:01LAUGHTER
0:08:01 > 0:08:04We don't mention biology in this house, Timothy.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07We don't mention much in this house, Mother, no.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10Well, whereas the man who's been posing as my father for the last 41 years?
0:08:10 > 0:08:13Has he wrapped up a little compost in a red spotted hankie
0:08:13 > 0:08:16and gone off with the cat?
0:08:16 > 0:08:19If you must know, he called me a nasty name.
0:08:19 > 0:08:20I won't say what.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23But it started with rat and ended with bag.
0:08:23 > 0:08:24LAUGHTER
0:08:27 > 0:08:30- Whatever can that be? I can't think what that...- Ratbag!
0:08:30 > 0:08:34Oh, of course! Of course! Ha ha!
0:08:34 > 0:08:37I merely asked him, perfectly politely, what he thought he'd
0:08:37 > 0:08:40been doing for the whole day at the bottom of the garden.
0:08:40 > 0:08:44- Looking for fairies? - Oh, yes. Take his part.
0:08:44 > 0:08:49The plain fact of the matter is, he loves that bonfire more than he loves me.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52Well, it has kept its shape, Mother, and it does flare up at night.
0:08:52 > 0:08:53Do you know what I mean?
0:08:53 > 0:08:57Are you looking for a smacked bottom?
0:08:57 > 0:09:01Yes, I was, Mother. Where'd you keep it? In the cupboard under the sink?
0:09:01 > 0:09:02Sit down properly.
0:09:03 > 0:09:08I simply went out to throw the washing-up water over his bonfire.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11How was I to know he was out there, crouching in the dark,
0:09:11 > 0:09:12blowing at it?
0:09:12 > 0:09:14LAUGHTER
0:09:14 > 0:09:16He was quite beside himself.
0:09:16 > 0:09:17He came at me with his dibber.
0:09:17 > 0:09:21LAUGHTER
0:09:21 > 0:09:25Well, I wasn't an ATS drill sergeant for nothing.
0:09:25 > 0:09:29I sold him a dummy and he threw himself into the cold frame.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32I hope he didn't squash his pumpkin, Mother!
0:09:32 > 0:09:34I don't know and I don't care.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36- I told him to stay out of my sight. - Oh, dear.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39Now you're feeling sorry, and you're writing him a little note, are you?
0:09:39 > 0:09:42Certainly not. I'm cutting him out of my will.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45Mother, what were you going to leave him, eh?
0:09:45 > 0:09:51What use would Father possibly find for an unopened copy of Mrs Beeton?
0:09:51 > 0:09:53And 25 years of corsets?
0:09:53 > 0:09:54DOORBELL
0:09:54 > 0:09:55Answer the door.
0:09:55 > 0:09:59If that's your father, crawling back with his tail between his legs,
0:09:59 > 0:10:01tell him to go away.
0:10:01 > 0:10:02Thank you, Mother Teresa.
0:10:02 > 0:10:07And for your information, I no longer wear corsets.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09What?
0:10:09 > 0:10:10No bones, Mother?
0:10:10 > 0:10:13You have just saved the whale single-handed!
0:10:13 > 0:10:15LAUGHTER
0:10:15 > 0:10:18Well, he's not having that, for a start!
0:10:18 > 0:10:20What are you doing here?
0:10:20 > 0:10:22- Tim...!- You know you're not supposed to come round here.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25You know I try and keep my life and this house as far apart as possible.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28- Well... - You know this is Heartbreak Hall. You know this is Doom Castle.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30Look, there's been an accident.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33What, you mean she IS pregnant?
0:10:33 > 0:10:37- No, no, no, no, no! Richard! - What, he's pregnant?
0:10:37 > 0:10:39Shut up! He's broken a leg.
0:10:39 > 0:10:40Whose?
0:10:40 > 0:10:42Well, his, you idiot!
0:10:42 > 0:10:46The lights failed for some reason and he fell off the ladder.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49Oh, dear. Best man! Oh, dear!
0:10:50 > 0:10:53Oh, my! Well, well, well!
0:10:53 > 0:10:55Oh, dear.
0:10:55 > 0:10:59So I was wondering if you could be best man after all.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01Well, it's not going to be easy, is it? I mean, ha ha!
0:11:01 > 0:11:04- Timothy!- Yes, Mother!
0:11:04 > 0:11:07Tell him there's plenty more dishwater where that came from!
0:11:07 > 0:11:11- Eh? What does she mean by that? - Never mind, you'd better get on your way.- Timothy!
0:11:11 > 0:11:15- Look, do you want to be best man? - Wait a minute, wait a minute.- Who's out there?- Mother, don't worry.
0:11:15 > 0:11:19It's the Avon lady. I've told her she's 20 years too late.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22- Look, do you want to be best man? - Yes.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24Too late for what?
0:11:24 > 0:11:25Francis!
0:11:25 > 0:11:28Francis, how nice!
0:11:28 > 0:11:31The last time I saw you, you were wearing short trousers.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34What's this rude boy doing, keeping you standing on the doorstep? Come along in.
0:11:34 > 0:11:39- He's got to go somewhere, Mother. He's late. There's a taxi taking over.- Nonsense. Come on, Francis.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41Oh, well, thank you.
0:11:41 > 0:11:45I don't know why it is, but he never brings any of his little friends home.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47I don't know why it is, Francis.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50- Goodbye, Francis. - Do call me Frank.- Goodbye, Frank.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54I didn't know what it is.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57Anyone would think he was ashamed of his own parents!
0:11:57 > 0:12:00Well, Mother. Frank's got to be off for another 20 years.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02Come on, Frank. Goodbye.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04I'll tell Francis when he's going.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07Sit down, Francis.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13Are you married yet, Francis?
0:12:13 > 0:12:15Well, actually, I...
0:12:15 > 0:12:18What's the matter with you, Timothy?
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Flies, Mother. Flies all over the place. Look at that.
0:12:20 > 0:12:25- Can't have Frank in here with a house full of flies.- Stop pawing him! Sit down.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28You were saying, Francis?
0:12:28 > 0:12:30Well, actually, I'm getting married Saturday fortnight,
0:12:30 > 0:12:33- and Timothy is going to be my best man.- Tim...!- Oh!
0:12:35 > 0:12:36Why did you do that?
0:12:36 > 0:12:39I thought you were going to hit me, Mother!
0:12:39 > 0:12:42- I'm happy for you. Mwah, mwah! - Hit me, hit me!
0:12:43 > 0:12:46Congratulations, Francis.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48And of course, I shall be there.
0:12:48 > 0:12:53- Who's the lucky girl?- Er, Jennifer. Jennifer Rowley.- Jennifer Rowley.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56I knew a Millicent Rowley but she's dead.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58Can't be her, then.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00I have to ignore you, don't I?
0:13:00 > 0:13:03And where does Jennifer live?
0:13:03 > 0:13:07Oh, we live er...er, well, she lives in the same house as I do.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10- How convenient.- They live together.
0:13:10 > 0:13:14- Like you and me? - No, no, not like you and me.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17No. No, no. No, no. They sleep in the same bed, you know, and all that sort of thing, yes.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20Oh! Well, I hope it's a big one, for decency's sake!
0:13:20 > 0:13:22Oh, Mother!
0:13:22 > 0:13:25Francis, why don't you and Jennifer come to dinner?
0:13:25 > 0:13:27- No.- Be quiet.
0:13:27 > 0:13:28- How about tomorrow?- No, no.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31- Frank is very busy. - I'll get my diary.- Oh!
0:13:31 > 0:13:34Now, Timothy, you give Francis a nice drink.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37- Ooh, thank you.- There's a half bottle of Lucozade in the sideboard.
0:13:39 > 0:13:40I won't be a minute.
0:13:40 > 0:13:41You two play quietly!
0:13:47 > 0:13:49Your mother's exactly the same!
0:13:49 > 0:13:51I mean, 20 years ago, she offered me Lucozade.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53It's the same bottle, Frank!
0:13:53 > 0:13:55LAUGHTER
0:13:55 > 0:13:59Look at this place. It's like a time capsule.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01Frank, don't come to dinner, please.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04It's pure Sylvia Peters and McDonald Hobley!
0:14:04 > 0:14:05Look!
0:14:06 > 0:14:08Ovaltine mugs!
0:14:08 > 0:14:11Hey, they're worth a fortune now, you know.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13Frank, I'm asking you not to come to dinner, all right?
0:14:13 > 0:14:15Hey, I bet you're still an Ovalteenie!
0:14:15 > 0:14:19- Listen to me, Frank.- You are, aren't you?- Yes, I am. I am.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22As your best man, don't come here to dinner.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25I mean, if Jennifer has any doubts at all about marriage,
0:14:25 > 0:14:26this is the last place to bring her.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29I mean, this is the Chamber of Horrors in here.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31- It's not that bad. - It IS that bad, Frank.
0:14:31 > 0:14:35You know what happened today? Mother threw Father into the cold frame.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37She's citing the bonfire as a co-respondent.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39He's off somewhere living rough.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41I mean, how could you possibly bring her here?
0:14:41 > 0:14:43I mean, it's like a Punch and Judy show here.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46- And you're the baby. - I'm the sausages!
0:14:46 > 0:14:48- Here we are!- And this is the crocodile!
0:14:49 > 0:14:53Now, Francis, about tomorrow. What sort of time?
0:14:53 > 0:14:55Well, Jennifer is very busy, Mother.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57Oh, yes. I'm afraid, Mrs Lumsden, that Jennifer's...
0:14:57 > 0:15:00- Going to the dentist. - ..having her ears pierced.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03- Having her ears pierced at the dentist's?- Filled.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05- Her ears filled.- Filled? What with?
0:15:05 > 0:15:07Mother... Ooh, look at that scrumptious food.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09- Yum, yum, yum, yum. - Leave it alone. It's not for you.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12- It's for Francis. - You can't give that to Frank.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14He's only visiting. He's not a prisoner!
0:15:15 > 0:15:18- Rubbish!- It is, Mother. I know it is rubb...ooh, dear!
0:15:18 > 0:15:22Don't make that silly face. The wind might change.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24Now while you're eating this,
0:15:24 > 0:15:26Francis, I'll have a word with Jennifer on the telephone.
0:15:26 > 0:15:30- You don't know her number, Mother. - It's the same as Francis'.
0:15:30 > 0:15:31I'm not just a pretty face.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34That's true enough, certainly.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37Now, this is beetroot soup, Francis.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40Timothy forgot to mend the liquidiser, so you'll need a knife and fork.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44- Don't I get any supper at all? - No, you don't.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46What's that, a reward for good behaviour?
0:15:46 > 0:15:48- That's for being cheeky. - FRANK LAUGHS
0:15:48 > 0:15:50That's for encouraging him!
0:15:51 > 0:15:54That's the way to do it! A-ha-ha-ha!
0:15:56 > 0:15:57OK, OK, quiet, quiet.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59- Where's Nicolas and Clyde? - Just coming, Miss.
0:15:59 > 0:16:00Jennifer?
0:16:00 > 0:16:03Jenny. Miss Rowley.
0:16:03 > 0:16:04Is that your boyfriend, Miss?
0:16:04 > 0:16:08- He's a dirty old man!- Oh, Brian! - Oh, stop it, please!
0:16:08 > 0:16:10What are you doing here, Tim?
0:16:10 > 0:16:13- Well... Oh, by the way, first of all, congratulations.- Thank you!
0:16:13 > 0:16:16I'm sure you're doing the right thing,
0:16:16 > 0:16:17even if you're not.
0:16:17 > 0:16:18KIDS CHATTER
0:16:18 > 0:16:21Can't hear myself. Anyway, it's about supper tonight.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23Oh, yes, I'm looking forward to that.
0:16:23 > 0:16:27Oh, are you? Well, I'm afraid...
0:16:27 > 0:16:28it's off.
0:16:28 > 0:16:32- Oh, why? What's happened?- I know, well, it's very sad, actually.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35Mother and Father last night were celebrating
0:16:35 > 0:16:3842 years - 42 years! -
0:16:38 > 0:16:41of wonderful, wonderful marriage,
0:16:41 > 0:16:45an institution of which we are all very much in favour, and...
0:16:45 > 0:16:47- Stop that, Brian!- Goodness.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50As I say, we were celebrating,
0:16:50 > 0:16:52and Mother had rather too much to drink
0:16:52 > 0:16:54and fell on a champagne cork.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57Falling on a champagne cork doesn't sound that bad.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59On a champagne cork off a ladder.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01- A ladder?- Yes.
0:17:01 > 0:17:05She was weeding the window box, you see, by way of celebration...
0:17:05 > 0:17:06From the outside?
0:17:06 > 0:17:09Ah, well, we can't get our windows open. It's the double glazing.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12We've had the same air in the house since 1979.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15- So anyway, in short, it's all off, and we...- Oh, well, I'll pop in.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17Oh, no, I shouldn't do that! She's infectious.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20- Infectious? How? - A splinter went septic.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23Apparently the ladder must have been poisonous.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25- Oh, the poor woman.- I know. - Why aren't you with her?
0:17:25 > 0:17:27Well, I ought to be, I know, I feel very guilty,
0:17:27 > 0:17:30but she's not allowed visitors, would you believe? Not allowed visitors!
0:17:30 > 0:17:33Three weeks - she mustn't stir for three weeks.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35- Well, what's she doing on that bus, then?- Er...
0:17:41 > 0:17:42You're pulling my leg!
0:17:42 > 0:17:45- HE CHUCKLES April fool!- It's not April.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47I know, that's the clever bit.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49- They're here, Miss.- Come on, then.
0:17:49 > 0:17:50You're worse than Frank.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52I'll see you tonight, all right?
0:17:58 > 0:17:59Come on, then.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02I don't wish to cross the road, thank you.
0:18:02 > 0:18:03Bloody kids.
0:18:06 > 0:18:07DOOR CLOSES
0:18:07 > 0:18:09- Is that you, Timothy?- Yes, Mother.
0:18:09 > 0:18:10Why are you late?
0:18:10 > 0:18:12An earthquake, Mother.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16Then they said there was going to be a tidal wave
0:18:16 > 0:18:18and the order went out, "Abandon library."
0:18:19 > 0:18:22Fortunately I floated to safety on Miss Peabody.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26Very gallant woman, and an excellent raft.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31Any excuse! Your precious friends will be here any minute.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34- Put your dark suit on. - My dark suit, Mother?
0:18:34 > 0:18:35That's only for funerals.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38Then again, this lettuce has been dead for two weeks.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40- Don't be silly.- No, right.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43Look, these vol-au-vents - FHB.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46- FHB?- Family hold back.- Oh.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48Don't worry, mother, I won't touch them.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50I've only just got over the flu.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53Now, tell me - I'm very worried about Father, Mother. Has he turned up?
0:18:53 > 0:18:55I don't know and I don't care.
0:18:55 > 0:18:59Look, these are marzipan and piccalilli.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01- Haven't you seen him, Mother?- No.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03You like marzipan and piccalilli.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05Separately, yes.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08Together I like them somewhere between coconut matting
0:19:08 > 0:19:10and a sick headache.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12Now, Mother, please, tell me, where is Father?
0:19:12 > 0:19:15I mean, is he sleeping rough under the railway arches, or what?
0:19:15 > 0:19:17I'll tell you this, Timothy.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20When I'm dead, even before I'm cold,
0:19:20 > 0:19:23he'll be off to Violet Cathcart.
0:19:23 > 0:19:24Violet Cathcart? Who's that?
0:19:24 > 0:19:27The lady with the surgical stockings and the poodle?
0:19:27 > 0:19:29Or one of the other widows,
0:19:29 > 0:19:31passing himself off as a handyman.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33What's he ever mended here?
0:19:33 > 0:19:36Your playpen, still in pieces.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39Mother, Frank and Jenny are coming to dinner.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41No Father - what do we tell them?
0:19:41 > 0:19:43Well, I shall tell her the whole story.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45She ought to know what men are really like.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48Mother, she'll not marry him. I mean, you'll ruin everything.
0:19:48 > 0:19:49- What about you?- What?
0:19:49 > 0:19:53You left the larder door open, the cat's been at the junket.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56Probably trying to end it all, I should think.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00Up in the loft,
0:20:00 > 0:20:01in the decoration box,
0:20:01 > 0:20:05there's a small plaster Father Christmas on a sledge.
0:20:05 > 0:20:06It'll cover the paw mark.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08But it's not Christmas, mother.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10Well, the junket doesn't know that.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12Off you go.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15And comb your hair. Jennifer's a teacher.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17If it's in a mess,
0:20:17 > 0:20:18she'll think you've got nits.
0:20:41 > 0:20:42SNORING
0:20:46 > 0:20:47Father!
0:20:48 > 0:20:49Father! HE MUMBLES
0:20:49 > 0:20:53Oh, sorry, Phyllis. I must have dropped off, you see.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55Oh, Timothy.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57- What are you doing here?- Where am I?
0:20:59 > 0:21:00Oh, yes, yes.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03Your mother told me to keep out of her sight, so I did.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06- It's awful up here. - No, no, not a bit of it.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08Sun's over the yardarm.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10Fancy a drink?
0:21:10 > 0:21:12In, out or pending?
0:21:12 > 0:21:14Oh, pending.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16Very fine.
0:21:19 > 0:21:20Thank you, Dobbin.
0:21:20 > 0:21:23There's peanuts, crisps, pickled onions
0:21:23 > 0:21:25in the doll's house ground floor,
0:21:25 > 0:21:27cheese footballs upstairs.
0:21:27 > 0:21:28Make yourself at home.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30Oh, I'm not that small.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34I think I'll have a crisp, if you don't mind.
0:21:34 > 0:21:38Well, I'm glad I found you here, because you know that...
0:21:38 > 0:21:40- You know Frank and Jenny are coming to dinner?- Mm.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43- You know they're getting married. - Are they? Oh, jolly good.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46You know, I always used to make one speech at weddings.
0:21:46 > 0:21:48"Marriage is like a compost heap -
0:21:48 > 0:21:50"you only get out what you put in."
0:21:50 > 0:21:52That is very true. Very true.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55But you're going to come down and join us for dinner, aren't you?
0:21:55 > 0:21:58No, it's not as simple as all that, Timothy. You know what your mother called me?
0:21:58 > 0:22:01- A red-faced bottlenosed layabout, was it?- Certainly not!
0:22:01 > 0:22:04- Sorry, Father, sorry. - That was last time.
0:22:04 > 0:22:08No, she said I couldn't manage a bonfire to save my life.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10I've been having bonfires since I was so high.
0:22:10 > 0:22:13One match, that's all I need. No paraffin either!
0:22:13 > 0:22:16Well, I know that. I know that only too well.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18Do come down and join us, eh?
0:22:18 > 0:22:20Just for me.
0:22:20 > 0:22:21- I'm...- I never cracked on, you know,
0:22:21 > 0:22:24about Violet Cathcart and her rising damp.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27- FROM DOWNSTAIRS:- Have you got that Father Christmas?
0:22:27 > 0:22:30I am not leaving this loft until I have an apology.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32Well, I'll get you one, Father.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34You and whose army, Timothy?
0:22:34 > 0:22:36Me and the Ovalteenies. HE LAUGHS
0:22:36 > 0:22:41If there's a robin on a log, bring that too.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44I've picked something nasty out of the jelly.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46What was that?
0:22:46 > 0:22:50Erm, she's making some sort of adjustment to the jelly.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53- Look, she's not ready. We'll walk round the block again. - Frank, what's wrong?
0:22:53 > 0:22:56Think he was very, very upset, to be honest, Mother.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58I think he'd been crying.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00Probably missed the compost.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03A grown man sulking in the loft!
0:23:03 > 0:23:07All you have to do, Mother, is shout upstairs that you're sorry.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09I'm not apologising to your father.
0:23:09 > 0:23:10He owes me an apology.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13Oh, Mother, why was I ever born?
0:23:13 > 0:23:15He never apologised for that either.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21- Mother gave you pretty short shrift, eh, Timothy?- No!
0:23:21 > 0:23:24- She's apologised in full. - Well, I'll be damned.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26Well, gracious in victory, Timothy.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28- I'll go on and tell her. - Tell her what?
0:23:28 > 0:23:30That she's apologised.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33Mother, he's on his way down.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36- Oh, he's apologised, then? - Yes, Mother.
0:23:36 > 0:23:37What did I tell you?
0:23:37 > 0:23:41- A broken reed, that man. - Yes, Mother.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43Good evening, Phyllis.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45Good evening, Sydney.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47I'm glad to see that sanity has been restored.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50It only took a simple apology, didn't it?
0:23:50 > 0:23:52- Indeed, thank you.- No, no, no, no -
0:23:52 > 0:23:54thank YOU.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56No, no, thank YOU.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58TIM LAUGHS
0:23:58 > 0:24:00Well, thank you both.
0:24:00 > 0:24:01Thank everyone, even me.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03- BOTH:- You? - No, not me, no.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06No, no. Anyway, here we are, happy families.
0:24:06 > 0:24:07The Lumsdens.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10Mr Lumsden, the sometime waterboard man.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13Mrs Lumsden, the sometime waterboard man's lady wife.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16And Master Lumsden, little drip off the old tap.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18Language, Timothy!
0:24:18 > 0:24:19Sorry, Father!
0:24:19 > 0:24:23Good heavens, this is an end to apologies and recriminations.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25DOORBELL RINGS Ah, right on time.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27- Door, Timothy.- Hair, Timothy. - Back to normal.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29Punch and Judy turn on the baby.
0:24:29 > 0:24:30Sorry!
0:24:30 > 0:24:33Everything must be sweetness and light.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35Let joy be unconfined.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37She's probably in the club anyway.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39- BOTH:- Language, Timothy! - Whoopee!
0:24:40 > 0:24:42SYDNEY LAUGHS
0:24:42 > 0:24:44You can't help laughing!
0:24:44 > 0:24:46Reminds me of another little joke
0:24:46 > 0:24:49about a chap called Speedy Gonzales.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51- Have you heard this? - No, thank you, Sydney.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53That's quite enough.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56- You come and help me get the coffee. - Oh, I'll come and help.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58- Oh, jolly good. - You're not sitting down!
0:24:58 > 0:25:00If Jennifer's kind enough to help me,
0:25:00 > 0:25:02you can finish that thing out in the garden.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04Oh, fair enough.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07Well.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09You going to have another Vimto?
0:25:09 > 0:25:12- Or you going to stick with the... - I'll stick with the British sherry.
0:25:12 > 0:25:13Ah, by all means.
0:25:13 > 0:25:16Well, it's been a very nice evening, hasn't it?
0:25:16 > 0:25:19Beautifully stage-managed by yours truly.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23A little fib here and there works wonders, you know.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25Domestic bliss, you know -
0:25:25 > 0:25:27it's very reassuring for Jennifer, really.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29Ugh, this sherry is a killer.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32I know. Mother beats it up with Ribena.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36I must say that Jennifer and Mother
0:25:36 > 0:25:39are getting on very well, aren't they? I mean, really!
0:25:39 > 0:25:41Like two peas in a pod.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44To be honest, I don't know whether or not I would sign up for life
0:25:44 > 0:25:47with a girl who got on so well with my mother!
0:25:47 > 0:25:49Doesn't say a lot for her sense of judgment, you know?
0:25:49 > 0:25:52Yeah, I've been thinking about that, Tim.
0:25:52 > 0:25:53What do you mean, sorry?
0:25:53 > 0:25:57- Well, it's not Jenny that's got her doubts. It's me!- Well, why?
0:25:57 > 0:26:00- Well, I mean, she's a schoolteacher, you know.- Yes.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02She don't half tell me off sometimes.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04Two peas in a pod, you say -
0:26:04 > 0:26:06if she's going to be like your mother, Tim,
0:26:06 > 0:26:08- I can't go through with it. - Oh, Frank!
0:26:08 > 0:26:11Thanks for the vote of confidence, Frank Baker!
0:26:11 > 0:26:13- And good night!- No, no, Jennifer!
0:26:13 > 0:26:16He didn't mean that you were like my mother.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19- He was only joking!- It didn't sound like a joke to me.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21- Oh, God.- Oh, she's overreacting!
0:26:21 > 0:26:25Goodness me. There are worse things in life than being like my mother.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27HE LAUGHS Though for the life of me at the moment,
0:26:27 > 0:26:29I can't think what they are.
0:26:29 > 0:26:30I beg your pardon?
0:26:31 > 0:26:34Sorry, Mother. Well, I'd better go and fetch her.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36I am the best man, it is my duty. 'Scuse me.
0:26:38 > 0:26:42I must apologise for his rudeness, Francis.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44He gets overexcited.
0:26:44 > 0:26:47Do you remember that little satin page suit?
0:26:47 > 0:26:51He ruined the knickerbockers at all three weddings!
0:26:56 > 0:26:58Jennifer, they don't mean it!
0:27:00 > 0:27:01Come back and have a talk!
0:27:10 > 0:27:12Oh, it isn't Jennifer!
0:27:13 > 0:27:15Sorry, sorry.
0:27:18 > 0:27:19Oof!
0:27:25 > 0:27:26There he is!
0:27:33 > 0:27:35He's asleep, Phyllis.
0:27:35 > 0:27:37Be quiet. I'm not speaking to you.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40- Timothy! Wake up!- Oh!
0:27:40 > 0:27:43- I've a bone to pick with you. - Mother, I'm asleep!
0:27:43 > 0:27:46Nonsense, I know when you're pretending.
0:27:46 > 0:27:47Now, then.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50You told your father that I'd apologised,
0:27:50 > 0:27:51and I did nothing of the kind.
0:27:51 > 0:27:53Never mind that, Mother.
0:27:53 > 0:27:55How are Frank and Jennifer? Are they all right?
0:27:55 > 0:27:57They're billing and cooing, Timothy.
0:27:57 > 0:28:00Small thanks to you. You're always making trouble.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02Ruining our party,
0:28:02 > 0:28:04mugging some poor girl,
0:28:04 > 0:28:07and breaking off Frank and Jennifer's engagement.
0:28:07 > 0:28:08I did not!
0:28:08 > 0:28:11They've asked me to be the best man.
0:28:11 > 0:28:13- What?!- Unless you're better in time.
0:28:13 > 0:28:15And if you want to be better,
0:28:15 > 0:28:18you'll have to eat all this up.
0:28:19 > 0:28:21What is it, Mother?
0:28:21 > 0:28:22It's the party's leftovers,
0:28:22 > 0:28:24all cooked together.
0:28:26 > 0:28:28Now, I'm going to cut it into soldiers
0:28:28 > 0:28:31and stay here while you eat it up.
0:28:31 > 0:28:35Oh, Mother, the visiting hour finishes at 5.30.
0:28:35 > 0:28:38Ah, but mothers are allowed to stay
0:28:38 > 0:28:39with their babies all day.
0:28:41 > 0:28:42And all night.
0:28:42 > 0:28:44Sister! Matron!
0:28:44 > 0:28:46Anybody!