0:00:33 > 0:00:38- Here we are, then, Frank. - Oh, Tim, you shouldn't.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41Well, a little spot of bubbly doesn't go amiss, does it, eh?
0:00:41 > 0:00:45Not every day you get married. Not every day that I'm the best man.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48We certainly know how to do things properly, do we Lumsdens.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51Let's face it, I am a wee Lumsden.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53Yeah, well, Champagne costs a fortune in here.
0:00:53 > 0:00:54- And it will be warm.- No, no.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56I rang up Chris and asked him to put it on the ice.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59Mind you, the ice in this pub is a little bit on the warm side,
0:00:59 > 0:01:01I must admit.
0:01:01 > 0:01:05- Be careful.- Don't worry. Look, when it comes to matters of style,
0:01:05 > 0:01:09Frank, I certainly happen to know what I'm doing.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13Good Lord, there's wire all round the top of this.
0:01:13 > 0:01:16Don't they trust the staff?
0:01:16 > 0:01:17- Oh, God! Give it to me.- Leave it.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20- Don't shake it up. - I was just going to say that.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22I'm all right. Honestly.
0:01:22 > 0:01:23- Oh!- Argh!
0:01:25 > 0:01:28Oh, dear... Sorry about that.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30- Oh, that's lucky.- What?
0:01:30 > 0:01:33Most of it went in your crash helmet.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35Oh! There we are. Cheers, anyway.
0:01:35 > 0:01:38Sorry about that. Seemed to be a bit lively, didn't it?
0:01:38 > 0:01:41- There we are.- Cheers. - To Frank and Jenny.
0:01:41 > 0:01:45- May all your troubles be little ones.- Starting with you, you mean?!
0:01:46 > 0:01:49Sorry about that. Are you all right?
0:01:51 > 0:01:55Is there going to be a stag night, at all?
0:01:55 > 0:01:56This is it.
0:01:58 > 0:01:59Is it?
0:01:59 > 0:02:03I suppose it is. Get in there, Frank.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05Paint the town red, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08Have a wassail, carouse until the early hours.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11I've got to be home with Mother in seven minutes,
0:02:11 > 0:02:15- so I won't have a lot to drink. - Some stag night.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17Wow-wee(!)
0:02:17 > 0:02:20We've done some pretty wild things in our time, Frank.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23- Just think about it.- Have we?
0:02:23 > 0:02:24When?
0:02:24 > 0:02:25Well, 1954.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29I put that banger in a bottle
0:02:29 > 0:02:31through old Ma Tillsbury's cat flap.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33So we did... Why didn't you light it?
0:02:33 > 0:02:37Well, I didn't want to frighten her, did I?
0:02:38 > 0:02:41Then, I put that dead worm in the Willis Avenue postbox.
0:02:42 > 0:02:47- Oh, you crazy, mixed-up kid(!) - I suppose I am, really.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49Happy days.
0:02:51 > 0:02:55I shall be sorry... I shall be sorry to lose my old mate,
0:02:55 > 0:02:56I don't mind telling you.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58I'm not dying, I'm getting married.
0:02:58 > 0:03:02I've lost a lot of friends through marriage, Frank.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05I just ask you to spare a thought for those left behind.
0:03:07 > 0:03:11- Well, don't BE left behind, you 'nana.- Well, who'd have me?
0:03:11 > 0:03:14Oh. Don't start that again. Plenty of girls, as you well know.
0:03:16 > 0:03:17I suppose you're right.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23I suppose I do have that certain something that no-one
0:03:23 > 0:03:24can quite put their finger on.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31Yes, well it's about time somebody did.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33What went wrong with that Linda girl?
0:03:34 > 0:03:37Eyebrows too close together. Mother always says...
0:03:37 > 0:03:39Oh, "Mother"! God, I knew it.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41Mother always says, "Eyebrows too close together,
0:03:41 > 0:03:46- "sure sign of the gold-digger." - Gold-digger! What gold have you got?
0:03:46 > 0:03:47I've got the granny bond.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49My beer mat collection is priceless.
0:03:49 > 0:03:53Oh, there's always some idiotic reason. Eyebrows!
0:03:53 > 0:03:56What was wrong with Julie Flint? Her earlobes, wasn't it?
0:03:56 > 0:03:57You know the saying,
0:03:57 > 0:04:00"Small earlobes, sign of not a very nice person."
0:04:00 > 0:04:04No, I don't. Nor does anyone. Look, it's all excuses,
0:04:04 > 0:04:05- old wives' fiddle-faddle. - Not too loud.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08It's the same old story.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11You decide to do something, then you find an excuse for not doing it.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13Dither, dither, dither.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15- I'm looking.- Good.- I do not dither.
0:04:15 > 0:04:16I am very, very decisive.
0:04:16 > 0:04:20- Goodbye, Frank. I am going home. - Well done, Tim.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23Goodbye and don't forget to meet Liz, the bridesmaid.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25I remember the best man's duties, don't you worry.
0:04:25 > 0:04:29Did you see that, Chris? He decided to do something and he did it.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31What is this Liz like, by the by?
0:04:31 > 0:04:32Is she...?
0:04:32 > 0:04:34Quite sort of, you know...?
0:04:34 > 0:04:35Hmm,
0:04:35 > 0:04:37- OK, I suppose.- What do you mean?
0:04:37 > 0:04:39Do you mean, Mmm, OK?
0:04:39 > 0:04:43Or Hmm-mm, OK?
0:04:44 > 0:04:47Or Mm, OK?
0:04:47 > 0:04:48- Mm, OK.- Good enough for me.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51- Wait a minute. She's very much like you, in fact.- Oh, good.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54- You think that's good? - Well, we've got something in common.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56If she's very much like me and I'm, you know,
0:04:56 > 0:04:59fairly like me, then we're both rather like me.
0:04:59 > 0:05:00- PHONE RINGS - There's your mother.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02- It may not be. - Answer it, you ditherer.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05- Shall I? It might not be her. - Oh, God.- It's her.- Ah, right.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08Well, that's the end of the party, then.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11No, Frank, no. Ditherer, you say? Just listen.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14Mother, be quiet, please. Be quiet. Yes?
0:05:14 > 0:05:16No, Mother, I'm staying here for my supper.
0:05:16 > 0:05:20Yes, I am NOT coming home for my supper. No, no.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23Anyway, I don't like the brawn, Mother,
0:05:23 > 0:05:25so I'm staying here, all right?
0:05:25 > 0:05:27Yes, goodbye, Mother. Goodbye.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29- Oh, my God, Tim, you did it!- Yes!
0:05:29 > 0:05:31But I think I'd better go.
0:05:31 > 0:05:36- Oh, ye gods! I can't take much more of this.- All right, I'll stay.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39- Do one thing or the other. - Yes, I have made up my mind.
0:05:39 > 0:05:44- The brawn has got to be eaten - I'm going.- Go, go!
0:05:44 > 0:05:46Do you know, Chris, if they held a competition to find
0:05:46 > 0:05:49the greatest ditherer in the whole world,
0:05:49 > 0:05:50Timothy Lumsden wouldn't win it.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53- He'd never be able to make up his mind to go.- Frank, that is not fair.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55Oh!
0:06:01 > 0:06:02Hello-oh!
0:06:03 > 0:06:07- Hello!- Ah, Timothy!- Shh!
0:06:07 > 0:06:09Nobody talking to me?
0:06:09 > 0:06:10A-ha!
0:06:11 > 0:06:16# Hello, Muddah, hello, Faddah Hello, Muddah... #
0:06:16 > 0:06:18We don't want to see what you're eating, Timothy.
0:06:18 > 0:06:22And we know you can't sing. We've heard you on stage.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24Oh, thank you for that warm welcome. I shall...
0:06:24 > 0:06:28Good heavens, are those Christmas decorations? No, they're icicles.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31Your father and I have something that I wish to say to you.
0:06:34 > 0:06:38GERMAN ACCENT: I shall give you only my name, rank and number!
0:06:40 > 0:06:43Very funny, Humphrey Bogart.
0:06:46 > 0:06:51- Humphrey Bogart?- Your father and I have something to take up with you.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54- This is not the moment, Mother, is it?- What?
0:06:54 > 0:06:56When you tell me you're not my real parents.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01That I was, in fact, left on the front doorstep by the Archduke
0:07:01 > 0:07:04and I am the rightful King of Crovonia?
0:07:04 > 0:07:06I want you to know, Mother,
0:07:06 > 0:07:09but I have not got a heart-shaped birthmark on my thigh.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12But there is something further up in the middle, that looks
0:07:12 > 0:07:15very like a hamster going down its burrow!
0:07:17 > 0:07:20Try not to be disgusting, Timothy.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23I thought that was rather imaginative!
0:07:25 > 0:07:31- Be quiet. I gave your room a good clean out today.- Oh, no.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34- We moved the wardrobe.- Yes?
0:07:34 > 0:07:38- Behind the wardrobe, it was filthy.- Yes.
0:07:38 > 0:07:44Dirt, broken ping-pong balls and this spoon.
0:07:44 > 0:07:51- So?- When you hid this spoon, it was full of Radio Malt.
0:07:51 > 0:07:52No wonder you never grew.
0:07:54 > 0:07:58Mother, much as I like domestic archaeology, I'm going out,
0:07:58 > 0:07:59- I'm sorry.- Stay where you are.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02To whom is this envelope addressed?
0:08:02 > 0:08:07- Mr and Mrs Bumsden.- Lumsden! Us!
0:08:07 > 0:08:13That is a school report - autumn term, 1954, Form 5G.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15Oh, how interesting, Mother.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19You never showed us that report.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22You read it, saw it was disgusting and hid it.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24What have you got to say for yourself?
0:08:24 > 0:08:27- That was 30-odd years ago, Mother. I...- Read it out, Sydney.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30- Read it out.- Right-oh, Phyllis.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33"Attendance...something...
0:08:33 > 0:08:36"Punctuality, very..." I can't read this.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38"Bography..."
0:08:39 > 0:08:41Bography?!
0:08:41 > 0:08:43Geography!
0:08:43 > 0:08:49Give it to me. Look... "Could do better." "Could do better."
0:08:49 > 0:08:53- "Doesn't listen." "Inattentive." - What, Mother?- Ina...
0:08:53 > 0:08:56Aren't you listening to me?!
0:08:56 > 0:09:01- Sorry, Mother, I was just being inattentive.- And what about this?
0:09:01 > 0:09:05B for biology, C for chemistry, E for French...
0:09:05 > 0:09:07- Shouldn't that be- F- for French?
0:09:12 > 0:09:15C, D, E, E-plus...
0:09:15 > 0:09:17I was very good at drama.
0:09:17 > 0:09:24Drama! "Dear Timothy's Ophelia was a rare and lovely jewel.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27"Evelyn W Crisp." Who's she?
0:09:27 > 0:09:29HE, Mother.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31Got thrown out later on, for...
0:09:33 > 0:09:36Housemaster's comments.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40"A poor term. He is 16.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43"Perhaps long trousers would help."
0:09:45 > 0:09:49- Stuff and nonsense!- It's true, Mother!- They used to tease me.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52E-minus. "This subject seems entirely above his head."
0:09:52 > 0:09:55What is it, basketball? Ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:09:56 > 0:10:01Headmaster's comments. "Timothy is constantly finding excuses.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04"He should make up his mind what his goals are.
0:10:04 > 0:10:08"At the moment, he is dithering. E Grigsby, Headmaster."
0:10:08 > 0:10:11How right that man was. Dither, dither, dither.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13I do not dither! Everybody says I dither.
0:10:13 > 0:10:17- I'm absolutely fed up with it. I do not! I'm going out, Mother.- Where?
0:10:17 > 0:10:20- To the station, to meet Miss Elizabeth Large.- The bridesmaid?
0:10:20 > 0:10:23The bridesmaid, yes, Mother, who is 35 and,
0:10:23 > 0:10:26if you want my un-dithering opinion, fanciable!
0:10:26 > 0:10:28Very!
0:10:28 > 0:10:29But we know nothing about this girl!
0:10:29 > 0:10:32You knew nothing about Lady Diana Spencer.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34That seems to have worked out all right.
0:10:36 > 0:10:37Good point, that...
0:10:39 > 0:10:40You won't be so full of yourself
0:10:40 > 0:10:42when you've eaten this plate of brawn.
0:10:47 > 0:10:48Hello?!
0:10:57 > 0:10:59TRAIN THUNDERS BY
0:11:07 > 0:11:11- Oi! Where are you going? - Oh, sorry! I didn't see you there.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14- I was just... Has the train arrived yet?- Yes.- Oh.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17- What about the next one? - No, not yet.- Oh, good.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19That's the one I meeting.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21You on a demo, then?
0:11:21 > 0:11:25- What? Oh, no. No, no. - What's this "Large"?
0:11:25 > 0:11:28Are you against large people?
0:11:28 > 0:11:30No, no, Miss Elizabeth Large, on the next train.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33I'm carrying this so she'll be able to pick me out.
0:11:33 > 0:11:37She should manage that. Unless she thinks I'M waiting for her.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40Ah, you're joking!
0:11:40 > 0:11:42Little twinkle there, just a little twinkle!
0:11:42 > 0:11:44TRAIN PULLS UP Is that it? Is that it?
0:11:44 > 0:11:46Well, if it's a bus, it's trespassing.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49- May I go on the platform? May I, please?- 6p.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52HE SIGHS
0:11:52 > 0:11:53HE DROPS HIS CHANGE Oh, sorry, Mother!
0:11:53 > 0:11:54I mean....
0:11:56 > 0:11:59I should keep my hanky in a separate pocket, like Mother says.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01Oh, sorry. Oh!
0:12:01 > 0:12:02Oh! Thank you!
0:12:04 > 0:12:05Oh!
0:12:06 > 0:12:07Keep the change.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13Hello! Oh...
0:12:15 > 0:12:16Oh... Sorry!
0:12:40 > 0:12:42This is the interrogation room, you see?
0:12:42 > 0:12:46Mother sits here and Father sits there.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49I come in the room and the inquisition starts.
0:12:49 > 0:12:53Ha-ha! Considering I've been on the rack for 30 years,
0:12:53 > 0:12:55it's odd that I'm not any taller.
0:12:55 > 0:12:56SHE LAUGHS
0:12:56 > 0:12:58Oh, my father, as soon as I'm in,
0:12:58 > 0:13:00"Where have you been? Who have you been with?
0:13:00 > 0:13:02- "What do you look like?" - Oh, same as me.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05Moment I come with the door, Father starts. We all start, really.
0:13:05 > 0:13:09I mean, at least the KGB let you ring your solicitor, don't they?
0:13:09 > 0:13:14- Oh, dear!- He even confiscated my Barry Manilow record.
0:13:14 > 0:13:15Well, actually, to be honest,
0:13:15 > 0:13:18they confiscated ALL my Barry Manilow records.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21I was rather pleased, actually!
0:13:23 > 0:13:27- Well, would you... Would you like to sit down, take a seat?- Oh, yes.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34Well...
0:13:37 > 0:13:39What would you, er, what would you like?
0:13:39 > 0:13:44Look, I'm sorry to do this to you, it said there was a buffet car.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46Don't worry! Honestly, they always say there's a buffet car.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49There was really, but they were short-staffed.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51- Oh, perhaps- I- ought to be working for them!
0:13:51 > 0:13:52Ha ha ha!
0:13:53 > 0:13:57You do go on about your height. I mean, what's wrong with it?
0:13:57 > 0:14:00- It's lovely!- Is it? HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
0:14:00 > 0:14:03Thank you very much. I...
0:14:05 > 0:14:07There was a time, as a child, you know,
0:14:07 > 0:14:10when I thought I was really going to be quite short.
0:14:10 > 0:14:11Yes.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13Then, I absolutely shot up.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19Mother actually thinks I've outgrown my strength. Ha-ha!
0:14:19 > 0:14:24- Oh, but you haven't, not the way you carried that suitcase.- Well...
0:14:24 > 0:14:28What are you... What would you... What would you like? I mean, er...
0:14:28 > 0:14:33We've got, um... We've got some bubble and squeak...
0:14:33 > 0:14:36To be honest, with precious few bubbles and not a lot of squeak.
0:14:38 > 0:14:43And there's a sort of...beigey stuff in the liquidiser, which is a bit...
0:14:43 > 0:14:45HE MUMBLES
0:14:45 > 0:14:50And, um, there's a curried egg and avocado sort of thing.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53You know, Mother calls it her lucky dip.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55But it's been in the fridge so long,
0:14:55 > 0:14:58it's rapidly about to become her unlucky dip!
0:14:58 > 0:15:02So, you know, what, as you were, would you, what would you...
0:15:02 > 0:15:05What would you... what would you like?
0:15:05 > 0:15:07Oh, well, I think I'll have the...
0:15:07 > 0:15:09Or perhaps, er...
0:15:09 > 0:15:12- No.- Mm.- Well, um...
0:15:12 > 0:15:14Oh, sorry.
0:15:14 > 0:15:18- What should I have?- Well, um...
0:15:21 > 0:15:23Perhaps, erm...
0:15:23 > 0:15:27No, I don't think so. No, you could, what about, um...
0:15:27 > 0:15:29Possibly, um...
0:15:29 > 0:15:32You could have... What about bread and cheese?
0:15:32 > 0:15:34Oh, bread and cheese.
0:15:34 > 0:15:35I think.
0:15:35 > 0:15:39Oh, I don't know. I'm dithering. I do dither.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42Oh, do you? I'm glad to hear that, cos so do I.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45- I do, I do that.- Do you? - Well, yes and no, you know.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47Exactly.
0:15:47 > 0:15:48So, what is it to be, then?
0:15:48 > 0:15:53- Bread and cheese, or, you know, something else if you like?- Yes.
0:15:53 > 0:15:58Yes! Very decisive. Didn't dither at all, did you? Birds of a feather.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01Good heavens, no flies on you.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03Wish I could say the same for the cheese!
0:16:03 > 0:16:04TIMOTHY LAUGHS
0:16:06 > 0:16:09# I write the songs that make the whole world sing! #
0:16:20 > 0:16:22Hello? Oh, sorry!
0:16:22 > 0:16:26- Sorry?- Oh, sorry. - Sorry.- Sorry, sorry.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28It's just about the bread.
0:16:28 > 0:16:32I, um...I could cut this bit off, I suppose, give it to the birds.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34Or, no, I know what I'll do,
0:16:34 > 0:16:36cut this bit off and save the rest for Father.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39That's the best thing. Sorry.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54CLOCK CHIMES
0:16:57 > 0:16:59Put it on its front. Put it on its front.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02- Oh, oh.- I'm sorry...
0:17:02 > 0:17:04No, don't worry, it always does that, always strikes six
0:17:04 > 0:17:09at 27 minutes past and vice versa... unless it's on its face.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11- But how do you tell the time? - Look at my watch.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13TIMOTHY LAUGHS
0:17:14 > 0:17:16There we are. Oh, dear.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18Why don't you get it mended?
0:17:18 > 0:17:22Well, to be honest, Father was going to get it mended, you know,
0:17:22 > 0:17:26- back in 1968.- Oh! My father's hopeless, too, really.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28He needs looking after the whole time.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30Well, this is it, to be honest.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33You've put your finger absolutely on it,
0:17:33 > 0:17:37because, well, my mother and father are getting on and, you know...
0:17:37 > 0:17:40I just don't know where they'd be without me.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42The mind just boggles, really. It's frightening.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45It's the same with me and Father. I mean, I'm stuck with him.
0:17:45 > 0:17:49- Unless, of course...- Oh, yes, exactly. Unless, of course. Yes.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51I'm sorry, unless what? I'm sorry, I didn't...
0:17:51 > 0:17:56- Well, you know, UNLESS. - Oh, UNLESS, yes. UNLESS, yes.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59Unless? Unless? Oh, you mean UNLESS?
0:17:59 > 0:18:02Ah, yes. Unless the right man...
0:18:02 > 0:18:05- BOTH: Came along. - Quite, quite.- Quite, quite.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07Quite.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10I mean, I dream of escaping.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13You know, to be carried off on a great big white horse
0:18:13 > 0:18:16by some strong, decisive man.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18Yes. I have that dream, as well.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24It's not a man, obviously!
0:18:24 > 0:18:26It's a person.
0:18:26 > 0:18:30In a funny sort of way... Actually, it's a woman, to be honest.
0:18:31 > 0:18:35- And it's not on a horse. - Oh, what is it, then?
0:18:35 > 0:18:37Well, I never see, you see.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39Because I can't make up my mind to climb out of the window.
0:18:39 > 0:18:43- So silly, really. - You could come on my horse.
0:18:43 > 0:18:44Could I really?
0:18:46 > 0:18:48- Would it be big enough?- Oh!
0:18:48 > 0:18:51I wouldn't wish to intrude on your horse.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54Am I interrupting something?
0:18:55 > 0:18:58Who is this person, Timothy? And what are you doing?
0:18:58 > 0:18:59Mother, this is Liz.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02How nice to meet you prematurely, like this.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06Timothy, that cheese was for the cat.
0:19:06 > 0:19:11And...who moved the clock and what sort of time do you call this?
0:19:11 > 0:19:13That concludes the case for the prosecution.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22SYDNEY SLURPS
0:19:22 > 0:19:23Please try not to do that.
0:19:25 > 0:19:26Well?
0:19:26 > 0:19:27Sydney?
0:19:27 > 0:19:29Well, what?
0:19:29 > 0:19:31The hat.
0:19:31 > 0:19:32Well?
0:19:32 > 0:19:35Good idea, a hat.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38I know that, it's a wedding.
0:19:38 > 0:19:42I mean, do you prefer this hat to the other hat?
0:19:42 > 0:19:43Other hats?
0:19:43 > 0:19:45The other hats I showed you.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47Oh, very nice, too.
0:19:48 > 0:19:52How you ever held a responsible position in the Water Board,
0:19:52 > 0:19:54I shall never know.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56You were the wettest thing there.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59Nice one, Phyllis.
0:19:59 > 0:20:00Ta-ra!
0:20:02 > 0:20:04Why have you put that hard suit on so early in the day?
0:20:04 > 0:20:07I wanted to get value for money, Mother. PHONE RINGS
0:20:07 > 0:20:09Ah. That'll be the chimney sweep ringing me up to tell me
0:20:09 > 0:20:12the black cat has bitten him to death.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14Timothy? It's me.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16Yes. I've done a really silly thing,
0:20:16 > 0:20:20I've locked myself out of Richard's house and there's no-one in.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24I'm supposed to be dressing the bride.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30Well, the window's open. An athletic man could get in.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34A strong, smallish, athletic man.
0:20:35 > 0:20:36Yes.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39On a white horse.
0:20:40 > 0:20:41You just stay there
0:20:41 > 0:20:46and I'll be over before you can say Barry Manilow! Ha-ha! Bye.
0:20:46 > 0:20:47Who was that?
0:20:47 > 0:20:50That was the Gotham City Chief of Police, Mother.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55- Oh.- It's a disaster. The lovely Fay Wray is trapped
0:20:55 > 0:20:58in a blazing skyscraper with a mad gorilla.
0:20:58 > 0:21:02Is it a plane? Is it a bird? No, it's Best Man!
0:21:02 > 0:21:04Da-da...
0:21:07 > 0:21:08Be careful.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14I think they're on the chest of drawers.
0:21:16 > 0:21:17TIMOTHY LAUGHS
0:21:17 > 0:21:19- Not the best man for nothing! - Bring them down.
0:21:19 > 0:21:23No, no, I'll put the coffee on, you come in. Right? Catch.
0:21:26 > 0:21:27Oh.
0:21:27 > 0:21:31- The gate, the gate. - No, no, it's locked.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33Don't move.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36Leave it to Lumsden. Ta-da!
0:21:39 > 0:21:40Right.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43Left.
0:21:43 > 0:21:44Steady.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46There we are.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49Oh! You're wonderful.
0:21:49 > 0:21:54- That was so well thought out. - Yes, it was.
0:21:57 > 0:21:58Up to a point.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03- Come on, what are you looking for?- The way out, dear.
0:22:03 > 0:22:04My head's stuck.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08I-29. Got that, Uncle Charlie.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11Boy with head in railings, 10 Prospect Place.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17CHURCH ORGAN PLAYS
0:22:20 > 0:22:23I knew it! I knew it!
0:22:24 > 0:22:26Oh! Why did I ask him?
0:22:26 > 0:22:27He's dithering somewhere.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31I just can't wait any longer.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34Well, they can't start without me! I'm the best man.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36- Well, I'd better take the ring.- No!
0:22:36 > 0:22:37SIREN WAILS
0:22:37 > 0:22:39Look, they're coming. You go.
0:22:39 > 0:22:40I'm going.
0:22:40 > 0:22:43She's here. The bride's car.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45Well, tell the car to wait. Round the corner.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52How did you do it, sir?
0:22:52 > 0:22:56Quick, get me out of here. Please. I'm the best man. Cut the railings.
0:22:56 > 0:23:00What? Cut these? This is a Listed building. Grade Two.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03- You need planning permission to cut these.- Planning permission?
0:23:03 > 0:23:05There's regulations.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07- Couldn't you just bend them? - Regulations?
0:23:07 > 0:23:09No, the railings!
0:23:09 > 0:23:10We haven't got the gear.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12We'll have to go back for it.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14You're not plumbers, by any chance, are you?
0:23:14 > 0:23:16Please, please get me out of here!
0:23:16 > 0:23:18All right, keep your hair on.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20George, go and buy some margarine.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29I should never have asked him.
0:23:49 > 0:23:50Oh!
0:23:53 > 0:23:55Here, what are you doing down there?
0:23:59 > 0:24:01Will you please help me out? I'm the best man.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04What at? Falling in graves?! Ha-ha!
0:24:04 > 0:24:07Get me out. Will you please get me out?!
0:24:07 > 0:24:08Hang on.
0:24:08 > 0:24:09Come on, then.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14MUSIC: Wedding March by Felix Mendelssohn
0:24:14 > 0:24:16Oh, my God!
0:24:25 > 0:24:27DOOR CLOSES
0:24:27 > 0:24:28Sorry.
0:24:32 > 0:24:33Sorry!
0:24:33 > 0:24:35You look lovely.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38And you. Sorry.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42- Where have you been?- Long story.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45- What sort of time do you call this? - Mother!- Have you got the ring?
0:24:45 > 0:24:48Don't worry. Certain things I get wrong, not this. There you are.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50What are you doing?
0:24:50 > 0:24:51INDISTINCT
0:24:51 > 0:24:52It's stuck!
0:24:54 > 0:24:56Oh, you silly fool!
0:24:56 > 0:24:58Hang on, can't get the ring off!
0:24:58 > 0:25:00Timothy, this is all your fault.
0:25:00 > 0:25:01It won't come!
0:25:01 > 0:25:04What you need, of course, is some margarine.
0:25:04 > 0:25:05Margarine?
0:25:05 > 0:25:07It so happens I've got some of that on me.
0:25:07 > 0:25:08Where have you got some?
0:25:08 > 0:25:10Behind my ear, Mother.
0:25:11 > 0:25:13I'm not just a dirty face.
0:25:13 > 0:25:16LAUGHTER
0:25:17 > 0:25:19Thank you.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21If I could be serious, for a moment.
0:25:21 > 0:25:27Marriage is a very wonderful institution, so they tell me.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29In fact, I'm rather hoping there will be another announcement
0:25:29 > 0:25:32that I'm going to make at the end of the ceremony
0:25:32 > 0:25:34with somebody who's not too far distant from me.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37No! I must say that it is nice to see that
0:25:37 > 0:25:41Frank and Jenny have finally made it, having lived together for...
0:25:41 > 0:25:42I mean...
0:25:42 > 0:25:44LAUGHTER
0:25:44 > 0:25:45..known each other for so long.
0:25:45 > 0:25:48Right, Frank and Jenny, the happy couple!
0:25:48 > 0:25:51- ALL:- Frank and Jenny!
0:25:52 > 0:25:54Liz, I just wanted... Liz, I want...
0:25:55 > 0:25:57Liz...
0:26:00 > 0:26:02Quite a good story, isn't it? People like that story.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05I didn't understand that story, I'm glad to say.
0:26:05 > 0:26:08I'm pleased to say, lots of other people did, Mother. Thank you.
0:26:08 > 0:26:09Tim, great!
0:26:09 > 0:26:11I must see you before we go.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13Certainly, certainly. Well, you've taken the plunge now.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16- It's me, off the top board.- What?
0:26:16 > 0:26:18I am going to propose to the bridesmaid.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20Wait! Look, you've had too many.
0:26:20 > 0:26:21What, too many bridesmaids?
0:26:21 > 0:26:22Drinks!
0:26:22 > 0:26:25Look, Frank, you told me, no dithering. You told me that.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27That's what it's going to be.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30I was just... What I wanted to...
0:26:30 > 0:26:32Your speech went terribly well.
0:26:32 > 0:26:33Thank you very much.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35Erm, will you marry me? That's what I...
0:26:35 > 0:26:38- Will...- Timothy?
0:26:38 > 0:26:39Hello, Dad.
0:26:41 > 0:26:42Marry me? Will you?
0:26:42 > 0:26:45INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS
0:26:56 > 0:26:58Bye!
0:26:58 > 0:26:59Who shall I throw this to?
0:26:59 > 0:27:01Throw it to Tim.
0:27:01 > 0:27:02Where is he?
0:27:02 > 0:27:05I hope he doesn't do something stupid.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07CHEERING
0:27:21 > 0:27:22Timothy?
0:27:23 > 0:27:25Eaten too much trifle, have you?
0:27:25 > 0:27:29Ha. No. No. I...
0:27:30 > 0:27:34I proposed and she turned me down.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36Yes, I turned your mother down the first time.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40What seemed to be the snag?
0:27:40 > 0:27:43- Well, she said I was after her money, I was a gold-digger.- What?
0:27:43 > 0:27:47Apparently, my eyebrows meet in the middle or something.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50They do a bit, you know, behind your glasses, though.
0:27:51 > 0:27:54Yes, but it was just an excuse, really.
0:27:54 > 0:27:56She was dithering.
0:27:56 > 0:27:58She wasn't your type, Timothy.
0:27:58 > 0:28:00I suppose not.
0:28:00 > 0:28:03- We are talking about Liz, aren't we? - Yes, Liz, the bridesmaid.
0:28:03 > 0:28:05You notice how she walked?
0:28:06 > 0:28:09- Liz?- Feet splayed out. Sure sign.
0:28:12 > 0:28:14Sign of what?
0:28:14 > 0:28:16Nasty disposition.
0:28:16 > 0:28:17Sergeant major type.
0:28:18 > 0:28:20Really, Liz? Good gracious!
0:28:20 > 0:28:22Just like somebody we both know.
0:28:25 > 0:28:28I'll not say a word against your mother.
0:28:31 > 0:28:33Oh! It was a close shave, then!
0:28:35 > 0:28:38Lucky escape!
0:28:39 > 0:28:41Some people have all the luck!
0:28:41 > 0:28:43Unlike yours truly!
0:28:45 > 0:28:48- Cheers!- Cheers!
0:28:48 > 0:28:51Good gracious me! I never realised that!
0:28:52 > 0:28:55APPLAUSE