0:00:00 > 0:00:01Good evening.
0:00:01 > 0:00:05I was watching the television this evening.
0:00:05 > 0:00:09and I thought, there's nothing like a good laugh.
0:00:09 > 0:00:11LAUGHTER
0:00:11 > 0:00:13Take two.
0:00:13 > 0:00:15Good evening.
0:00:15 > 0:00:18I was watching the television this evening
0:00:18 > 0:00:21and I thought, there's nothing like a good laugh.
0:00:21 > 0:00:22LAUGHTER
0:00:22 > 0:00:24Take three.
0:00:25 > 0:00:27I was watching the television this evening.
0:00:27 > 0:00:29LAUGHTER and I thought,
0:00:29 > 0:00:32there's nothing like a good laugh.
0:00:32 > 0:00:33LAUGHTER
0:00:33 > 0:00:35Take four.
0:00:35 > 0:00:37STRAINED VOICE: I was watching...
0:00:37 > 0:00:39LAUGHTER ..the television this evening.
0:00:39 > 0:00:43And I thought, there's nothing like a good laugh.
0:00:43 > 0:00:44LAUGHTER
0:00:44 > 0:00:46Oh, BLEEP religion! LAUGHTER
0:00:48 > 0:00:50UPBEAT FANFARE
0:00:56 > 0:00:58LAUGHTER Ah, good morning.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00Erm, this show is called... What?
0:01:00 > 0:01:01MEN HUM What's it called?
0:01:01 > 0:01:03LAUGHTER
0:01:03 > 0:01:04RAMBLES
0:01:04 > 0:01:06HE SHOUTS Q 7, isn't it?
0:01:06 > 0:01:07HE SHOUTS, HUMMING CONTINUES
0:01:07 > 0:01:09LAUGHTER
0:01:12 > 0:01:13You've got to stop doing that.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15You've got to stop that habit.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17- Ready to go in.- Right.
0:01:17 > 0:01:18Right. OK, fine.
0:01:18 > 0:01:19Ready?
0:01:29 > 0:01:30- WOMAN'S VOICE:- Yes?
0:01:32 > 0:01:35- Er, good morning, madam.- Morning.
0:01:35 > 0:01:36- ALL:- Morning madam.
0:01:36 > 0:01:37Morning.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39LAUGHTER
0:01:42 > 0:01:45I am, er, Herb, er...ahem.
0:01:45 > 0:01:49I am, er, Herbert Screckle, a salesman.
0:01:49 > 0:01:53Er... Me and my fellow directors would like to know...
0:01:53 > 0:01:55LAUGHTER
0:01:55 > 0:01:57.. if, er, you are getting sufficient sympathy
0:01:57 > 0:01:59and understanding in your life?
0:01:59 > 0:02:00Not much. Why?
0:02:00 > 0:02:02Do you mind if we come in, madam?
0:02:02 > 0:02:04- No.- No.
0:02:04 > 0:02:09Supposing you had been out for a hard day's shopping. Tired out.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11You get on the tube...
0:02:11 > 0:02:14Does anybody... Does anybody get up for you?
0:02:14 > 0:02:17No fear. Not these days. You have to drop bleeding dead.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20There's no need for you to drop bleeding dead, madam.
0:02:20 > 0:02:21LAUGHTER
0:02:21 > 0:02:24Me and my company have invented something for ladies
0:02:24 > 0:02:26that guarantees to get them
0:02:26 > 0:02:28the maximum of sympathy and understanding.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30What is it? Divorce?
0:02:32 > 0:02:33Er, no, no, madam.
0:02:33 > 0:02:34LAUGHTER
0:02:34 > 0:02:37It is not a divorce. Er, Tom?
0:02:37 > 0:02:39Agh! Christ!
0:02:40 > 0:02:46Er, this is the Mark I plastic inflatable sympathy arm.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49Say you were on a crowded Tube...
0:02:49 > 0:02:50I'm on a crowded Tube?
0:02:50 > 0:02:52You're on a crowded Tube.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55You want to sit down, but no-one is getting up for you.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58Beforehand, you have taken the precaution
0:02:58 > 0:03:01of placing this bladder up your back, so.
0:03:01 > 0:03:02Now, then...
0:03:02 > 0:03:04All you have to do is to inflate it.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06PUMPING
0:03:06 > 0:03:09LAUGHTER
0:03:15 > 0:03:17They are infallible, madam.
0:03:17 > 0:03:22They're tried out by 20 of our humpy-back inspectors
0:03:22 > 0:03:23on the modern average day.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26Well, it looks real, but I don't fancy it.
0:03:26 > 0:03:30No, course you do not fancy it, madam. Of course you do not.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32This is the Quasimodo model.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34LAUGHTER
0:03:34 > 0:03:36For men and boys.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39No, for a lady we have something more delicate, eh, Tom?
0:03:39 > 0:03:41- Ow! - Will you pardon me, madam?
0:03:41 > 0:03:43Would you open your jacket, please?
0:03:44 > 0:03:48Now then. Once again, just imagine you are on a crowded Tube.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51Er, you want to get a seat.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54Then, all you have to do is to inflate this.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57WHOOSHING
0:03:57 > 0:03:58Oh!
0:03:58 > 0:04:00LAUGHTER
0:04:00 > 0:04:01Winds?
0:04:01 > 0:04:02WHOOSHING
0:04:02 > 0:04:03So flex.
0:04:03 > 0:04:08Yes! It is the infallible false pregnancy hump, madam.
0:04:08 > 0:04:09Now then, if on the other hand you...
0:04:09 > 0:04:12- Oh! Hello. - Dear, oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.
0:04:12 > 0:04:13Have you had a bad day?
0:04:13 > 0:04:18- LAUGHTER - I had to stand all the way on the Tube.
0:04:18 > 0:04:19LAUGHTER
0:04:25 > 0:04:27LAUGHTER
0:04:28 > 0:04:30Er, that is the end of that bit.
0:04:30 > 0:04:31LAUGHTER
0:04:31 > 0:04:34DRUMROLL Would you now all stand for the national anthem?
0:04:34 > 0:04:35KERCHING
0:04:35 > 0:04:37LAUGHTER
0:04:39 > 0:04:43IN DEEP VOICE: # God save our gracious queen
0:04:43 > 0:04:47# Long live our noble queen
0:04:47 > 0:04:52# God save the queen. #
0:04:52 > 0:04:54What a wonderful tune that is. Lovely tune.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57My wife and I often sing it on an evening, you know?
0:04:57 > 0:04:59I say to her, "Molly? Should we go into the lounge
0:04:59 > 0:05:01"and sing God Save The Queen?"
0:05:01 > 0:05:04She says "Yes, John." And we go down and sing it.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07We often invite Ted and his mother to come over and sing it with us.
0:05:07 > 0:05:08It really is a lovely tune.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11IN DEEP VOICE: God save our grac...
0:05:11 > 0:05:14But I can't understand why it isn't in the chart, you know?
0:05:14 > 0:05:18But, seriously, folks, is it, in fact, like a dead palm tree?
0:05:18 > 0:05:19Out of date.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22- ALL:- Ooh. - LAUGHTER
0:05:22 > 0:05:25HE CHUCKLES
0:05:28 > 0:05:30LAUGHTER
0:05:30 > 0:05:32Well, I... I think I got the best out of that joke.
0:05:32 > 0:05:33LAUGHTER
0:05:33 > 0:05:35Get the best out of this one, Sailor! Whoopee!
0:05:36 > 0:05:38Erm...
0:05:38 > 0:05:41LAUGHTER
0:05:41 > 0:05:46That was John Wells in a censored excerpt from the Mountbatten story.
0:05:46 > 0:05:47LAUGHTER
0:05:47 > 0:05:49To find out whether people actually did stand
0:05:49 > 0:05:52for the national anthem, we tried this simple experiment.
0:05:53 > 0:05:54Example one, Kew Gardens...
0:05:56 > 0:05:59GOD SAVE THE QUEEN PLAYS
0:05:59 > 0:06:03LAUGHTER
0:06:13 > 0:06:16MUSIC SWELLS
0:06:43 > 0:06:45Number two, The Mall...
0:06:45 > 0:06:46GOD SAVE THE QUEEN PLAYS
0:06:49 > 0:06:51LAUGHTER
0:06:52 > 0:06:54APPLAUSE
0:06:54 > 0:06:55CROWD CHEERS
0:06:57 > 0:06:59But then, suddenly it's the Queen.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01GOD SAVE THE QUEEN PLAYS
0:07:05 > 0:07:07Number four, a sewers...
0:07:12 > 0:07:13ANTHEM PLAYS
0:07:13 > 0:07:14- CLANG - Ow!
0:07:14 > 0:07:17LAUGHTER And finally...
0:07:17 > 0:07:19GOD SAVE THE QUEEN PLAYS
0:07:30 > 0:07:32MUSIC SWELLS
0:07:32 > 0:07:34LAUGHTER
0:07:42 > 0:07:44HE WHISPERS: Screwdrivers? Screwdrivers?
0:07:50 > 0:07:52MUSIC ENDS
0:07:52 > 0:07:54Well, there you see, there are those people who just won't.
0:07:54 > 0:07:58But, most people generally, do stand for the national anthem.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01What we can't understand is why they stand for er, Harold Wilson...
0:08:01 > 0:08:05..Edward Heath and Mrs Enid Stone.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08I'm Enid Stone and I'm 62.
0:08:08 > 0:08:1162. Isn't that wonderful, ladies and gentlemen?
0:08:11 > 0:08:12LAUGHTER
0:08:12 > 0:08:15She's 62. Great big hand for Enid Stone, who's 62 and...
0:08:16 > 0:08:18APPLAUSE
0:08:20 > 0:08:22But, what of those ex-patriots
0:08:22 > 0:08:24who are beyond the earshot of God Save The Queen?
0:08:24 > 0:08:25RULE BRITANNIA PLAYS
0:08:25 > 0:08:27There they lie in the corner of some foreign suit
0:08:27 > 0:08:28that is for ever England.
0:08:28 > 0:08:32We carried out the national anthem survey with Lord Louis Mountbatten,
0:08:32 > 0:08:35who'd taken time off from filming Ben-Hur, with a cast of sailors.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37Hello, sailor!
0:08:37 > 0:08:38Har-har-har!
0:08:38 > 0:08:39LAUGHTER
0:08:39 > 0:08:44Using GPO national anthem detectors, we discovered that all people living
0:08:44 > 0:08:47in these areas here, there and there
0:08:47 > 0:08:51were totally without GSTQ - God Save The Queen.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55Yes, we at the Foreign and Commonwealth Office,
0:08:55 > 0:08:58decided to invent a pill which would make you hear the national anthem...
0:08:58 > 0:09:00..in your mind.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10LAUGHTER
0:09:17 > 0:09:18It's wonderful. Very good.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21I heard every... every note... God save...
0:09:22 > 0:09:23STARTS CLUCKING
0:09:23 > 0:09:24HOWLING
0:09:24 > 0:09:27WOOFING
0:09:27 > 0:09:29Of course, these national anthem pills
0:09:29 > 0:09:31have got very, very nasty side-effects.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34But, there are other far worse problems.
0:09:34 > 0:09:38Let us visit the National Anthem Addiction Centre at Sandringham.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41PATIENTS SHOUT
0:09:41 > 0:09:43LAUGHTER
0:09:44 > 0:09:46Here we see men suffering the advanced throes
0:09:46 > 0:09:49and acute agonies of national anthem mania.
0:09:49 > 0:09:53PATIENTS CHATTER
0:09:53 > 0:09:55God save the queen. The queen!
0:09:55 > 0:09:57The Queen, God bless her! The Queen, God bless her!
0:09:57 > 0:10:00- LAUGHTER - Queen!
0:10:00 > 0:10:01Queen!
0:10:01 > 0:10:04- God save the queen, god bless her. The Queen! The Queen!- The Queen.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07- The queen, God bless her! - The queen, god bless her!
0:10:07 > 0:10:09PATIENTS BABBLE
0:10:09 > 0:10:12These are the withdrawal symptoms of compulsive patriotism.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15Even though these people have not heard the national anthem
0:10:15 > 0:10:16for three weeks.
0:10:16 > 0:10:20Fortunately, the GPO has come up with a dial-an-anthem service.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26LA MARSEILLAISE PLAYS
0:10:26 > 0:10:28LAUGHTER Er!
0:10:28 > 0:10:31Operator, I've got a wrong line. Hello?
0:10:31 > 0:10:33Let that give comfort to those who scoff at The Patriot,
0:10:33 > 0:10:36the well-known restaurant which serves Brown Windsor soup
0:10:36 > 0:10:38in the shape of the Duke of Edinburgh.
0:10:38 > 0:10:39LAUGHTER
0:10:39 > 0:10:41This week saw the start of the
0:10:41 > 0:10:45South London Unorthodox Amateur Athletics Association sport week.
0:10:45 > 0:10:49Here, we see competitors from the Bromley Operatic Society
0:10:49 > 0:10:52in the hundred metres singing relay.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54THEY WARM UP
0:10:54 > 0:10:55On your marks.
0:10:55 > 0:10:56GUNSHOT
0:10:56 > 0:10:58- JERUSALEM:- # And did those feet
0:10:58 > 0:11:00- FASCINATING RHYTHM:- # Fascinating rhythm, you've got me on the run
0:11:00 > 0:11:01# In ancient time
0:11:01 > 0:11:02# Fascinating rhythm
0:11:02 > 0:11:04# What a mess you're making The neighbours want to know
0:11:04 > 0:11:06# Walk upon England's mountains green?
0:11:06 > 0:11:07# Why am I shaking like a flivver?
0:11:07 > 0:11:08# Each morning I get up with the sun
0:11:08 > 0:11:10# And was the holy Lamb of God
0:11:10 > 0:11:12# To find at night no work has been done.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15# On England's pleasant pastures seen?
0:11:15 > 0:11:17THEY CONTINUE TO SING
0:11:17 > 0:11:20LAUGHTER
0:11:21 > 0:11:23# And did the Countenance Divine
0:11:23 > 0:11:24# Won't you take a day off?
0:11:24 > 0:11:25# Decide to run along
0:11:25 > 0:11:27# Somewhere far away off and make it snappy
0:11:27 > 0:11:28# Shine forth upon our clouded hills?
0:11:28 > 0:11:31# Oh, how I long to be the girl I used to be
0:11:31 > 0:11:33LAUGHTER
0:11:34 > 0:11:36LAUGHTER
0:11:41 > 0:11:43# What a mess you're making
0:11:43 > 0:11:44# The neighbours want to know why
0:11:44 > 0:11:45# I'm always shaking
0:11:45 > 0:11:47HE SINGS JERUSALEM
0:11:47 > 0:11:48# Fascinating rhythm
0:11:48 > 0:11:49# Fascinating rhythm
0:11:49 > 0:11:51# Oh, won't you stop picking on me!
0:11:52 > 0:11:54Today, sees the finale of the
0:11:54 > 0:11:57annual grandmother-hurling contest at Beachy Head.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59The grandmothers and contestants are just warming up
0:11:59 > 0:12:03for the final throws so over to Ivor Pulcock.
0:12:03 > 0:12:04Hello.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07It's a great day for the grandmother-hurling finals
0:12:07 > 0:12:08here, at Beachy Head.
0:12:08 > 0:12:12In the last three eliminations over 100 grandmothers were
0:12:12 > 0:12:16successfully thrown out to sea, after which only two returned back
0:12:16 > 0:12:19in the penalty time of one and a half minutes.
0:12:19 > 0:12:24Let's go over to last year's champion hurler and grandmother.
0:12:25 > 0:12:30Hello. This is Mr John Squonk and his grandmother Mrs Ethel Squonk.
0:12:30 > 0:12:31Good morning.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33Could you tell us, how old are you?
0:12:33 > 0:12:34Er, five feet, 3.
0:12:34 > 0:12:35LAUGHTER
0:12:35 > 0:12:39And, er, what made you offer yourself for this hurling contest?
0:12:39 > 0:12:45Well, I am a widow, my husband died, my cat died, but...
0:12:46 > 0:12:52- ..I didn't. So, my gardener came and did this.- Yes, my word.
0:12:52 > 0:12:53We come down here in the good weather,
0:12:53 > 0:12:56I give her several good hurls off the cliff on the weekend.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59We have some great fun and the money comes in handy.
0:12:59 > 0:13:04Hello and this is Mr Arthur Grainger and his 80-year-old grandmother.
0:13:04 > 0:13:05Er, Major. Major.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07- I think...- Grandmother and teacher?
0:13:07 > 0:13:09- And 91.- 91?
0:13:09 > 0:13:10APPLAUSE
0:13:10 > 0:13:13Well, well, well, goodness me. 91 years of age! 91.
0:13:13 > 0:13:17And, er, she, er... The coroner said she was dead.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19He said, "She's dead", but erm...I got a...
0:13:19 > 0:13:20HE STAMMERS
0:13:20 > 0:13:22- ..a second opinion.- Right.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24- Mine.- Yes.- And she was in a...
0:13:24 > 0:13:27- She looked all right, so I put her...- And?
0:13:27 > 0:13:30- She's 91, you see.- And?- And they...they go that way, in the end.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32- Now, Major...- Can't help it, no.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35- When they go... When you say, "They go that way"...- 91.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38- ...because... because she's 91. - And, er, Major and, er...
0:13:38 > 0:13:40What, yourself? You are...?
0:13:40 > 0:13:42- A Major.- You're a...?- A Major.
0:13:42 > 0:13:43HE MUTTERS
0:13:43 > 0:13:45Could you tell us? This, er, why are you...?
0:13:45 > 0:13:46HE CHATTERS
0:13:46 > 0:13:48- I think you'll find... - There's rain out there.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51- The wind blows rough.- Yes. What I wanted to know, Major...
0:13:51 > 0:13:53- HE SHOUTS: Put the ramp on her, Derek!- What...
0:13:53 > 0:13:54Put the ramp on her!
0:13:54 > 0:13:55Yes, erm... M...Major, what...?
0:13:55 > 0:13:58- Ah, we haven't got any blocks for the wheel.- Yes.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00I'm telling him that you're 91.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02- I'd like to...- 91!- Yes.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04Why are you using apparatus?
0:14:04 > 0:14:05Well, she's got er...
0:14:05 > 0:14:06Got these er...
0:14:06 > 0:14:07..weak ankles, you see.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10And, er, well, she's had them more than a week, actually.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13- I'd say two weeks.- Is this because of the straps that go around...?
0:14:13 > 0:14:15The... The particular straps?
0:14:15 > 0:14:17Because of the scrabsons on the blink?
0:14:17 > 0:14:19There's a scrabson on the blink.
0:14:19 > 0:14:20Well, we've got these hairy socks
0:14:20 > 0:14:23and I don't like the handheld ones. It gets...
0:14:23 > 0:14:26- And you prefer the traditional method? The tradi...- Er, no!
0:14:26 > 0:14:28I like the hurl method.
0:14:29 > 0:14:30Hurl out to sea.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33- Er, she's left me money in the will and there's the cottage.- I see.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35- And er...- And this is...?
0:14:35 > 0:14:37I'm telling you. I have everything right for you, Granny.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39I see, so I think we're ready.
0:14:39 > 0:14:40- BELL CLANGS - That sounds...
0:14:40 > 0:14:42- She's 91 and ready. - Righty one.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45So, I think we're ready for the first scrabsons on the...
0:14:45 > 0:14:46- I mean... - I'll just get her.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48...for the first, er, hurl.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50The major is just making sure that the straps are...
0:14:50 > 0:14:52Put your fingers in your ears, Granny.
0:14:52 > 0:14:53- I'll put my fingers in my ears.- Yes.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55And clench your teeth until they go "Pop!".
0:14:55 > 0:14:57She's clenching her teeth now and...
0:14:57 > 0:14:59See the rocks?
0:14:59 > 0:15:00Flatten out!
0:15:00 > 0:15:04He has instructed her... He's instructed her to flatten out
0:15:04 > 0:15:06over the rocks when she's about to go.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08MAJOR TALKS
0:15:08 > 0:15:09Now...
0:15:09 > 0:15:11- Are you ready, dear?- I'm ready.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13CROWD CHATTERS
0:15:13 > 0:15:17He...he... I think he's ready now. Looking at his watch, he's...
0:15:17 > 0:15:19Waaah!
0:15:19 > 0:15:20LAUGHTER
0:15:20 > 0:15:24Oh! Major, Major, that really was quite wonderful.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26I'd like to congratulate you.
0:15:26 > 0:15:27It was, really, a wonderful hurl.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30- A wonderful hurl.- Good for her.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33And now John Squonk OBE, with his traditional freestyle hurl.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35Don't worry, darling. The rocks will break your fall.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37- All right, darling. - He's ready now.
0:15:37 > 0:15:38He wheels her round once.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40- LAUGHTER - Twice.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43He's building into a cartwheel, into increasing circles.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46- And it's...!- Agh! - LAUGHTER
0:15:46 > 0:15:50Oh, that was a beauty. It certainly could be a close thing.
0:15:52 > 0:15:57UPBEAT PIANO TUNE
0:15:57 > 0:15:58APPLAUSE
0:15:58 > 0:15:59# Yesterday...
0:15:59 > 0:16:02# All my troubles seemed so far away
0:16:02 > 0:16:03# Now!
0:16:03 > 0:16:05# Even though they're here to stay
0:16:05 > 0:16:08# Oh, I believe in yesterday
0:16:08 > 0:16:09LAUGHTER
0:16:09 > 0:16:11# Suddenly
0:16:11 > 0:16:12# Suddenly
0:16:12 > 0:16:13UPBEAT TUNE, LAUGHTER
0:16:13 > 0:16:16# I'm just half the man I used...
0:16:16 > 0:16:18# There's a shadow hanging over me
0:16:18 > 0:16:21# Oh, yesterday came suddenly
0:16:21 > 0:16:24# Why she had to go, I don't know
0:16:24 > 0:16:26# She wouldn't say
0:16:26 > 0:16:27UPBEAT TUNE
0:16:27 > 0:16:28ECHOING: # I said
0:16:28 > 0:16:32# Something wrong, now I think of yesterday #
0:16:32 > 0:16:33UPBEAT TUNE
0:16:33 > 0:16:34Agh!
0:16:34 > 0:16:35PIANO STOPS ABRUPTLY
0:16:35 > 0:16:37LAUGHTER
0:16:38 > 0:16:39# Yesterday
0:16:39 > 0:16:40PIANO TUNE STARTS AGAIN
0:16:40 > 0:16:44LAUGHTER
0:16:44 > 0:16:46# All my troubles seemed so fa...
0:16:46 > 0:16:47#..far away
0:16:47 > 0:16:49PIANO STARTS AGAIN
0:16:49 > 0:16:51# Now I need a place to...
0:16:51 > 0:16:53# ..hide away
0:16:53 > 0:16:54# Oh, I believe...
0:16:54 > 0:16:56PIANO STOPS ABRUPTLY
0:16:56 > 0:16:59LAUGHTER
0:16:59 > 0:17:00LADDER CREAKS
0:17:00 > 0:17:01# In yest...
0:17:01 > 0:17:02Agh. Agh!
0:17:02 > 0:17:04PIANO STOPS
0:17:04 > 0:17:06LADDER CREAKS # Yester...
0:17:06 > 0:17:08Agh! LAUGHTER
0:17:09 > 0:17:10# I believe... #
0:17:10 > 0:17:12No...Agh!
0:17:12 > 0:17:15LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:19 > 0:17:21What you are seeing at this very moment,
0:17:21 > 0:17:24is the smallest police station in the world.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26And I am but the voice over.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28- LAUGHTER - Oh, no, it isn't!
0:17:28 > 0:17:30This is the smallest police station in the world
0:17:30 > 0:17:31LAUGHTER
0:17:31 > 0:17:37Yes! It will hold three fully grown policemen or eight large constables.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39Lies! That man is lying!
0:17:39 > 0:17:42I'm not - I'm standing on my head.
0:17:42 > 0:17:43LAUGHTER
0:17:43 > 0:17:45Groans! Groans!
0:17:45 > 0:17:46No!
0:17:46 > 0:17:49This is the smallest police station in the world.
0:17:49 > 0:17:50LAUGHTER
0:17:50 > 0:17:52And I should know!
0:17:52 > 0:17:54Let us put an end to these rumours.
0:17:54 > 0:17:55LAUGHTER
0:17:55 > 0:17:59This is definitely the smallest police station in the world.
0:17:59 > 0:18:04And I am about to incarcerate a criminal in it.
0:18:04 > 0:18:05SPEAKS GIBBERISH
0:18:05 > 0:18:06LAUGHTER
0:18:11 > 0:18:12Elementary, my dear Watson.
0:18:12 > 0:18:13LAUGHTER
0:18:13 > 0:18:15Brilliant!
0:18:15 > 0:18:16WHIRRING
0:18:17 > 0:18:19I see there's only a skeleton service running tonight.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21- LAUGHTER - Brilliant.
0:18:21 > 0:18:22OK, you dirty rat!
0:18:22 > 0:18:24Hands together.
0:18:24 > 0:18:25- Kneel down.- Oh!
0:18:25 > 0:18:26Now, listen, blue eyes.
0:18:26 > 0:18:31SPEAKS LATIN
0:18:32 > 0:18:33Amen.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35- Oh! - GROANS IN PAIN
0:18:35 > 0:18:36This man is laying on his back,
0:18:36 > 0:18:38clutching his throat, groaning and overacting.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40Brilliant!
0:18:40 > 0:18:42- He's wearing a greasy bowler. - Brilliantine!
0:18:42 > 0:18:43LAUGHTER
0:18:43 > 0:18:45MAN CONTINUES TO GROAN
0:18:45 > 0:18:48But God! He's been...
0:18:48 > 0:18:49..ordained!
0:18:49 > 0:18:50SINISTER ORGAN MUSIC
0:18:50 > 0:18:54LAUGHTER
0:18:54 > 0:18:56Ordained? But who do you suspect?
0:18:56 > 0:18:58It looks like a typical six and three quarter inch collar -
0:18:58 > 0:19:00Archbishop of Canterbury job to me. LAUGHTER
0:19:00 > 0:19:01But I'm Jewish!
0:19:01 > 0:19:03There, there. Now you're...
0:19:04 > 0:19:05..Christian.
0:19:05 > 0:19:06- HE GASPS - Oh, my life!
0:19:06 > 0:19:08LAUGHTER Oh, no. We need to get him to
0:19:08 > 0:19:11the de-ordination hospital as soon as possible.
0:19:12 > 0:19:16SERENE MUSIC
0:19:16 > 0:19:17LAUGHTER
0:19:18 > 0:19:21And so he came to the mountain and fell down...
0:19:23 > 0:19:24Oi!
0:19:25 > 0:19:29And so it came to pass that they all spake out...
0:19:31 > 0:19:32LAUGHTER
0:19:32 > 0:19:33- Oi! - One more time!
0:19:33 > 0:19:36- LAUGHTER - And all the tribes...
0:19:36 > 0:19:37Oi!
0:19:37 > 0:19:39Just know when he's beaten.
0:19:39 > 0:19:40LAUGHTER
0:19:40 > 0:19:42Are you the Jewish mother?
0:19:42 > 0:19:45Well, no, actually I'm a Catholic, but I'll do anything for money.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47LAUGHTER
0:19:47 > 0:19:49This is the worst case of ordination I've seen
0:19:49 > 0:19:52since Pope Pius did the Archbishop of Canterbury job.
0:19:52 > 0:19:554 minus!
0:19:55 > 0:19:56LAUGHTER
0:19:56 > 0:19:57HE GASPS
0:19:57 > 0:19:58Good God!
0:19:58 > 0:20:00HE GROANS
0:20:00 > 0:20:03LAUGHTER
0:20:03 > 0:20:05It's taken!
0:20:06 > 0:20:08SINISTER ORGAN MUSIC
0:20:08 > 0:20:10HE MIMICS GUN
0:20:10 > 0:20:11Ibe! Ibe!
0:20:13 > 0:20:15- My name's Dick! - LAUGHTER
0:20:15 > 0:20:16Dick! Dick!
0:20:16 > 0:20:17Anything for money.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20WHISTLING
0:20:20 > 0:20:21Sherlock Holmes...
0:20:21 > 0:20:23This is new, Sergeant!
0:20:23 > 0:20:24LAUGHTER
0:20:25 > 0:20:28I must warn you, that anything you say that is funnier than me,
0:20:28 > 0:20:30will be cut out in the edited repeats.
0:20:30 > 0:20:31LAUGHTER
0:20:31 > 0:20:33Here is a newsflash.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36It's been reported that the Archbishop of Canterbury is
0:20:36 > 0:20:37holding out in Lewisham.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40Exactly what he is holding out, the police will not say.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42LAUGHTER
0:20:42 > 0:20:45It's also reported that he is holding an atheist hostage.
0:20:45 > 0:20:46And here is another flash.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48LAUGHTER
0:20:49 > 0:20:52Listen, Archbishop of Canterbury, we know you're in there
0:20:52 > 0:20:54and we know we're out here.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57Throw out your Cruisiers, or we'll send in the Jesuits!
0:20:57 > 0:20:58LAUGHTER
0:20:58 > 0:21:01Keep back, copper! I got Margaret Thatcher prisoner.
0:21:01 > 0:21:05- LAUGHTER - One step nearer and she gets ordained.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07INDISTINCT MEGAPHONE
0:21:07 > 0:21:10One step nearer and I'll kill myself!
0:21:10 > 0:21:12This is an opportunity not to be missed.
0:21:12 > 0:21:13Wah!
0:21:15 > 0:21:16LAUGHTER
0:21:17 > 0:21:20Mrs Thatcher, darling! Are you all right?
0:21:20 > 0:21:21Mrs Thatcher is not a darling.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23- LAUGHTER - Speak to me Mrs Thatcher!
0:21:23 > 0:21:25Speak to me! Can you hear me?
0:21:26 > 0:21:28- She's deaf. - APPLAUSE
0:21:30 > 0:21:31LAUGHTER
0:21:35 > 0:21:38LAUGHTER
0:21:46 > 0:21:49APPLAUSE
0:21:52 > 0:21:54Mr and Mrs Agh.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56Ah! Come in, sir.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00LAUGHTER
0:22:03 > 0:22:04Erm...
0:22:09 > 0:22:11Now, then...
0:22:11 > 0:22:14..Which one of you two is Mr and Mrs Agh?
0:22:14 > 0:22:15- We are.- Ha!
0:22:17 > 0:22:21Do you want this privately, or on the National Health?
0:22:21 > 0:22:22National Health.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24CLICKING
0:22:24 > 0:22:26LAUGHTER
0:22:34 > 0:22:38Now, then, what appears to be the trouble?
0:22:38 > 0:22:39It's my husband.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41KAZOO-LIKE VOICE
0:22:41 > 0:22:44LAUGHTER
0:22:44 > 0:22:48Husband? You want a solicitor, not a doctor.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51No, my husband is ill, seriously.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54Suddenly he can't talk proper, like.
0:22:54 > 0:22:55KAZOO VOICE
0:22:55 > 0:22:59LAUGHTER
0:22:59 > 0:23:02Has he ever talked proper, like?
0:23:02 > 0:23:04Oh, yes.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06- KAZOO VOICE:- Oh, yes! - LAUGHTER
0:23:06 > 0:23:10But, recently, he's become very difficult to see live with.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12- Do you find him trying?- Aye.
0:23:12 > 0:23:16Last night I found him trying with Mrs Soaper on the back step.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18- LAUGHTER - That's not an illness.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20Haha. He soon had one, though.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23I fetched him one on the back of his nut, with a coal shovel.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25KAZOO VOICE
0:23:25 > 0:23:28She screams and I belted him on the back of his nut again.
0:23:28 > 0:23:29KAZOO VOICE
0:23:29 > 0:23:31I said, "Bert, will you stop doing it,
0:23:31 > 0:23:33"while I'm trying to talk to her?"
0:23:33 > 0:23:34LAUGHTER
0:23:34 > 0:23:37It were that last blow that done something to his voice.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39What?!
0:23:39 > 0:23:40You tell him, Bert.
0:23:41 > 0:23:45VOICE PLAYS JERKY TUNE
0:23:47 > 0:23:49LAUGHTER
0:23:51 > 0:23:52Good heavens!
0:23:52 > 0:23:54The which of like I never have I not seen,
0:23:54 > 0:23:56which in my whole career etc.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59Say, "The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy cow."
0:23:59 > 0:24:01VOICE PLAYS TUNE
0:24:01 > 0:24:04LAUGHTER
0:24:04 > 0:24:06Does he know Little Jack Horner?
0:24:06 > 0:24:08If he lives in Deptford, yes.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11- LAUGHTER - No, I mean the nursery rhyme.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14VOICE JERKS LITTLE JACK HORNER
0:24:23 > 0:24:26LAUGHTER
0:24:26 > 0:24:30Ladies and gentlemen, there is no known cure for this disease.
0:24:30 > 0:24:34Therefore, there can be no known ending to this sketch.
0:24:34 > 0:24:35- KAZOO VOICE:- What?!
0:24:35 > 0:24:37LAUGHTER, BERT TALKS
0:24:37 > 0:24:40APPLAUSE
0:24:40 > 0:24:42HE PLAYS FRANTIC TUNE
0:24:48 > 0:24:50SCALES PIANO
0:24:50 > 0:24:51MUSIC ENDS
0:24:51 > 0:24:53APPLAUSE
0:24:58 > 0:25:00LAUGHTER
0:25:06 > 0:25:09Here's a way of breaking eggs without dirtying your hands.
0:25:10 > 0:25:11Right.
0:25:11 > 0:25:13And here's a way of losing weight rapidly.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17Ah! LAUGHTER
0:25:17 > 0:25:18Another thing, stains.
0:25:18 > 0:25:22Now, here's a way of saving money on stains by not buying washing powder.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27LAUGHTER
0:25:27 > 0:25:28Now, food bills.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30Here's a way of cutting down on family food bills.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34LAUGHTER
0:25:34 > 0:25:35Agh!
0:25:35 > 0:25:37LAUGHTER
0:25:41 > 0:25:43Steady on, steady on, steady on.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46Now, take all your clothes off, stand in front of the mirror naked.
0:25:46 > 0:25:47WOMAN SCREAMS
0:25:47 > 0:25:49LAUGHTER
0:25:49 > 0:25:51And, when you've stopped screaming... LAUGHTER
0:25:51 > 0:25:54..see if you can do this. Watch this. Watch the monitor.
0:25:54 > 0:25:57LAUGHTER
0:26:01 > 0:26:02You fool, Camera 2!
0:26:02 > 0:26:05You've given away the secret of a year.
0:26:05 > 0:26:06That's all they do give away at the BBC.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08Get the outer readers. The outer readers!
0:26:10 > 0:26:11BAND MUSIC PLAYS
0:26:11 > 0:26:13LAUGHTER
0:26:17 > 0:26:18EVERYTHING IS FRESH TODAY:
0:26:18 > 0:26:20# In a little town where I belong
0:26:20 > 0:26:23# There's a most accomplished fellow
0:26:23 > 0:26:25# He's the leader of the village choir
0:26:25 > 0:26:28# And his voice is warm and mellow
0:26:28 > 0:26:30# He drives a fruit cart around the street
0:26:30 > 0:26:33# And everybody knows it
0:26:33 > 0:26:35# He doesn't sing or rave about his fruit
0:26:35 > 0:26:37# His fruit, he simply blows it
0:26:39 > 0:26:40BAND PLAYS TUNE
0:26:40 > 0:26:42HE BLOWS RASPBERRY TUNE
0:26:42 > 0:26:43LAUGHTER
0:26:43 > 0:26:45# He's doing it all day long
0:26:45 > 0:26:47HE BLOWS RASPBERRY TUNE
0:26:47 > 0:26:48LAUGHTER
0:26:48 > 0:26:50# It's better than any song
0:26:50 > 0:26:52# Though it isn't very pretty
0:26:52 > 0:26:55# You've got to admit it's cute
0:26:55 > 0:26:57# So, all together, let it go
0:26:57 > 0:26:58HE BLOWS RASPBERRIES IN TIME
0:26:58 > 0:27:00LAUGHTER
0:27:00 > 0:27:01# Eat more fruit
0:27:01 > 0:27:02HE BLOWS RASPBERRY TUNE
0:27:02 > 0:27:05# It's certainly come to stay
0:27:05 > 0:27:06HE BLOWS RASPBERRY TUNE
0:27:06 > 0:27:09# It's a treat to hear him say
0:27:09 > 0:27:11# Hey, fruit's in season,
0:27:11 > 0:27:12# Plenty berries
0:27:12 > 0:27:15# Apples, plums and the old raspberries
0:27:15 > 0:27:16HE BLOWS RASPBERRY TUNE
0:27:16 > 0:27:19# Everything is fresh today
0:27:19 > 0:27:20BAND CONCLUDES
0:27:20 > 0:27:21BAND STARTS AGAIN
0:27:23 > 0:27:25LAUGHTER
0:27:25 > 0:27:27# Every Friday night when work is done
0:27:27 > 0:27:30# He never wastes a minute
0:27:30 > 0:27:32# To the village hall he hurries 'round
0:27:32 > 0:27:35# Where he sings just like a linnet
0:27:35 > 0:27:37# To hear him blow a melody
0:27:37 > 0:27:40# It's great, you can't deny it
0:27:40 > 0:27:42# And if you've nothing else to do
0:27:42 > 0:27:45# I'd like you all to try it
0:27:45 > 0:27:46BAND PLAYS TUNE
0:27:47 > 0:27:49HE BLOWS RASPBERRY TUNE
0:27:49 > 0:27:50LAUGHTER
0:27:50 > 0:27:52# Get ready and do it now
0:27:52 > 0:27:54HE BLOWS RASPBERRY TUNE
0:27:54 > 0:27:57# It's easy when you know how
0:27:57 > 0:27:59# Though it isn't very pretty
0:27:59 > 0:28:02# You've got to admit it's cute
0:28:02 > 0:28:04# So, all together, let it go
0:28:04 > 0:28:06HE BLOWS RASPBERRY TUNE
0:28:06 > 0:28:07# Eat more fruit
0:28:07 > 0:28:09HE BLOWS RASPBERRY TUNE
0:28:09 > 0:28:12# It's certainly come to stay
0:28:12 > 0:28:13HE BLOWS RASPBERRY TUNE
0:28:13 > 0:28:15# It's a treat to hear him say
0:28:15 > 0:28:17# Hey
0:28:17 > 0:28:19# Do-te-la-so-fa-me-re-do
0:28:19 > 0:28:21HE BLOWS RASPBERRY TUNE
0:28:21 > 0:28:23LAUGHTER
0:28:23 > 0:28:25# Everything is fresh today
0:28:25 > 0:28:26BAND CONCLUDES
0:28:27 > 0:28:29MUSIC CONTINUES
0:28:36 > 0:28:39UPBEAT SOLO
0:28:46 > 0:28:48HE BLOWS RASPBERRY TUNE
0:28:48 > 0:28:49LAUGHTER
0:28:49 > 0:28:51# It's certainly come to stay
0:28:51 > 0:28:53HE BLOWS RASPBERRY TUNE
0:28:53 > 0:28:55# It's a treat to hear him say
0:28:55 > 0:28:58# Hey, fruit's in season, plenty berries
0:28:58 > 0:29:01# Apples, plums and the old raspberries
0:29:01 > 0:29:02HE BLOWS RASPBERRY TUNE
0:29:02 > 0:29:05# Everything is fresh today
0:29:05 > 0:29:06BAND CONCLUDE
0:29:06 > 0:29:10HE BLOWS RASPBERRY SOLO
0:29:10 > 0:29:11CYMBAL CLASH, BAND ENDS
0:29:11 > 0:29:12LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE