0:00:02 > 0:00:04This is the point in the evening where we hand over BBC TWO
0:00:04 > 0:00:06into the care of Spike Milligan.
0:00:06 > 0:00:08And we've been asked to point out that the programme is unsuitable
0:00:08 > 0:00:14for younger viewers, older viewers, those of a nervous disposition
0:00:14 > 0:00:16or easily offended.
0:00:16 > 0:00:20In fact, the programme is really only suitable for Mr Herbert Throkes
0:00:20 > 0:00:23of 2 Gasworks Terrace, Lewisham.
0:00:23 > 0:00:25And here it is.
0:00:25 > 0:00:26Queue opening titles.
0:00:26 > 0:00:29SAWING NOISE
0:01:08 > 0:01:10I'm rich!
0:01:10 > 0:01:12Good evening.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16Hope you've got your choppers in a glass.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18Good evening.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21Now, many people want to know why this show is called Kuwait
0:01:21 > 0:01:22and I am one of them.
0:01:25 > 0:01:29What's this? Get the abbey habit, have an affair with a monk.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34Owww!
0:01:34 > 0:01:36That was a close encounter of a thud kind.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40Ah, fingerstall.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42Ahh!
0:01:42 > 0:01:44I didn't want to waste it.
0:01:44 > 0:01:48Right, now I'm going to read this week's Court Circular.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50Yesterday the Queen opened Parliament.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52Some idiot gave her a key.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54Here's some more court news,
0:01:54 > 0:01:56Prince Philip got his caught.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01And Prince Charles got his caught
0:02:01 > 0:02:04and the royal tailor has been dismissed.
0:02:05 > 0:02:09Good evening and I mean that most sincerely, I really do.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12Tonight we present the prizes for duration...
0:02:12 > 0:02:14in the singing and hanging contest.
0:02:14 > 0:02:19Third prize goes to Tom Legs, who sang and hung from a horizontal bar
0:02:19 > 0:02:22for three hours and two minutes, great big hang.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24APPLAUSE
0:02:24 > 0:02:28Second prize goes to Berts Bromps, who sang and hung
0:02:28 > 0:02:33from the horizontal bar for four hours and 39 minutes.
0:02:33 > 0:02:34Great big hang.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36APPLAUSE
0:02:36 > 0:02:39But the winner is Mr Eric Treacle, who sang and hung
0:02:39 > 0:02:43from the horizontal bar for an amazing 24 days.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46APPLAUSE
0:02:52 > 0:02:59And the Lord said unto all men, "Always wear clean underwear"
0:02:59 > 0:03:03and the Pharisees say, "Whyfore thereafter which?"
0:03:03 > 0:03:05and He said,
0:03:05 > 0:03:10"Because supposing thou art knocked down in the street,
0:03:10 > 0:03:15"blessed are they that weareth clean kn-ickers."
0:03:15 > 0:03:17So even though they'd be knocked down in the street
0:03:17 > 0:03:19by a bus, verily,
0:03:19 > 0:03:23they will be pure of heart from the waist down.
0:03:23 > 0:03:27Ah-achoo!
0:03:27 > 0:03:29Ah-achoo.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34MUSIC: Flight Of The Valkyries by Wagner
0:03:34 > 0:03:36CAR SCREECHES CAR CRASHES
0:04:00 > 0:04:03HE CLEARS HIS THROAT HE KNOCKS ON DOOR
0:04:06 > 0:04:11- Um... There's a cheque in the post. - Oh... Lady Lewisham?- Yes.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13I'm sorry your husband has been in an accident.
0:04:17 > 0:04:21- Is it serious? - Yes, he was wearing dirty knickers.
0:04:21 > 0:04:25- Eww!- Worst of all, they were yours.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29CAR HORN HOOTS
0:04:35 > 0:04:37CAR TYRES SCREECH
0:04:39 > 0:04:41CAR CRASHES
0:04:46 > 0:04:50- Ah, Princess Drabsville? - There's a cheque in the post.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53I'm sorry to tell you that your husband has been seriously killed.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58Don't cry, don't cry,
0:04:58 > 0:05:01I tell you because he was wearing...
0:05:01 > 0:05:03clean knickers!
0:05:03 > 0:05:06ROMANTIC, HAPPY ENDING MUSIC
0:05:09 > 0:05:10- Freeze frame! - APPLAUSE
0:05:10 > 0:05:13MUSIC: Coronation Street Theme
0:05:21 > 0:05:23KNOCK ON DOOR
0:05:27 > 0:05:33Rah! This would never have happened if they had used Super Cover.
0:05:33 > 0:05:37The English invention that hides crappy British cooking
0:05:37 > 0:05:39from the tourists.
0:05:43 > 0:05:48Yes, even the smartest of us can be caught with our menus down.
0:05:48 > 0:05:49KNOCK ON DOOR
0:05:52 > 0:05:54Come in.
0:05:54 > 0:05:58MUSIC: Land Of Hope And Glory by Edward Elgar
0:05:58 > 0:05:59Excellent.
0:05:59 > 0:06:04Yes. Super Cover can even fool royalty.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07Another idea from British Leyland in its eternal search
0:06:07 > 0:06:11for an alternative to making motorcars.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14- PHONE RINGS - Hello, what? Yes, right...
0:06:21 > 0:06:22Shush.
0:06:22 > 0:06:23The answer to our question last week
0:06:23 > 0:06:25'what do Scotsmen have up those kilts?'
0:06:25 > 0:06:27The winner chosen by Huw Wheldon
0:06:27 > 0:06:29was Her Majesty the Queen who said...
0:06:29 > 0:06:31Gas stoves.
0:06:32 > 0:06:38Yes...a gas stove is what a Scotsman has up his kilt.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41It wasn't the right answer but it was the only one we could publish.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44Some of you suggested certain other things were lodged up
0:06:44 > 0:06:47Scotsmen's kilt, one lady suggested a grand piano,
0:06:47 > 0:06:50a set of spoons and someone else said Larry Grayson.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53To find out the real answer to this, over to Stirling Castle.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56Stand easy!
0:06:59 > 0:07:01BELL CHIMES
0:07:01 > 0:07:02BELL CHIMES
0:07:02 > 0:07:04BELL CHIMES
0:07:04 > 0:07:06BELL CHIMES
0:07:08 > 0:07:09BELL CHIMES
0:07:09 > 0:07:11BELL CHIMES
0:07:11 > 0:07:13BELL CHIMES
0:07:13 > 0:07:15BELL CHIMES
0:07:18 > 0:07:20DRUM BANGS
0:07:21 > 0:07:23Atten-shun.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25BELLS JINGLE
0:07:27 > 0:07:31I do not understand it. It has only done 8,000 yards.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33By God, Bert, look!
0:07:34 > 0:07:36Here comes the Queen!
0:07:37 > 0:07:39What am I going to do?
0:07:50 > 0:07:53God bless you, Your Majesty.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55Yes, Super Cover,
0:07:55 > 0:07:59another idea from Leyland's to hide their crummy products.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02Freeze frame.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC STARTS
0:08:07 > 0:08:10TRUMPET HOOTS SUDDENLY
0:08:19 > 0:08:21TRUMPET HOOTS LOUDLY
0:08:23 > 0:08:25Here is a Ministry of Information film.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:08:28 > 0:08:31APPLAUSE
0:08:35 > 0:08:36And, now, for some totally useless
0:08:36 > 0:08:38information, did you know if
0:08:38 > 0:08:40you strike a female desk, it screams?
0:08:40 > 0:08:43MAN: Owwwwww!
0:08:43 > 0:08:44God, it's a male?!
0:08:45 > 0:08:47Funny place to hang a saveloy.
0:08:51 > 0:08:52This is a Hamlet pencil,
0:08:52 > 0:08:542B or not 2B.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Now, did you know if you break a pencil, it screams?
0:08:57 > 0:08:59Aaaaah!
0:09:01 > 0:09:03- GUN FIRES - Now the next...
0:09:04 > 0:09:06Good God, it's Harry Secombe.
0:09:09 > 0:09:10And he's had the operation.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13Did you know if you tear a hole in a piece of paper,
0:09:13 > 0:09:15you can see through the other side?
0:09:15 > 0:09:19If you tear a hole on the other side, you can see back in again.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21- GUN FIRES - Now then, next...
0:09:21 > 0:09:24Good God, it's Mrs Thatcher's bank manager,
0:09:24 > 0:09:26suffering withdrawal symptoms.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29I wonder who she is. Right.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31Next, do you know a piece of paper will take
0:09:31 > 0:09:34the weight of the human body without breaking?
0:09:34 > 0:09:35GUN FIRES
0:09:35 > 0:09:39Good heavens, it's Richard III Part One.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41And next... Ah, and there's Part Two. Right.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45Did you know, if you kept a newspaper for seven days,
0:09:45 > 0:09:46it gets one week behind?
0:09:46 > 0:09:48Here's another way to get a week behind.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50- GUN FIRES - Ahhhh!
0:09:50 > 0:09:53- GUN FIRES - Now then...
0:09:53 > 0:09:55Good God, it's the Duke of Edinburgh.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58I'm sorry, Philip, I suppose this means the knighthood's
0:09:58 > 0:09:59out of the question.
0:09:59 > 0:10:03And that's...that's for not getting me an OVP.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07Good evening, yes. Tonight, a tribute
0:10:07 > 0:10:09to the late Sir Edward Elgar
0:10:09 > 0:10:11whose favourite instrument was the...
0:10:14 > 0:10:16..was the B-flat garden hose
0:10:16 > 0:10:19with which he wrote many great pieces including...
0:10:22 > 0:10:25..Underneath The Armpits, Dream My Names Away.
0:10:25 > 0:10:26Right.
0:10:26 > 0:10:30THEY PLAY ARMPIT HOSE IN TUNE TO ELGAR'S MUSIC
0:10:56 > 0:10:59SPEECH HEAVILY FAST FORWARDED
0:11:09 > 0:11:11Anti-Yap.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13For the husband who's had enough.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18I'd like to read this excerpt in the Reader's Digest.
0:11:29 > 0:11:30Thank you.
0:11:35 > 0:11:38Now, this is a true advert in this paper.
0:11:38 > 0:11:42"Zenith atomic clock powered by solar batteries
0:11:42 > 0:11:44"will run for 100 years.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46"Guaranteed for 12 months."
0:11:50 > 0:11:52And now, here is the late news.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55Racing motorist Gettafitta Paldi told a judge
0:11:55 > 0:11:58his wife didn't understand him.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00Asked why, he said she was Bulgarian.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04She admitted later she could neither read nor write English
0:12:04 > 0:12:05and granting a decree nisi, the judge said,
0:12:05 > 0:12:08"She did sound like an ignorant Bulgar."
0:12:10 > 0:12:13But the bodies of three bank robbers were found encased in cement
0:12:13 > 0:12:15at the bottom of the Mersey docks.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17Police said they believe them to be hardened criminals.
0:12:20 > 0:12:24Good morning. I've been sent along here by my doctor for an eye test.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27- He thinks I need glasses. - I think you do!
0:12:27 > 0:12:28This is a fish shop!
0:12:29 > 0:12:32We interrupt this programme to tell you that this is an official
0:12:32 > 0:12:34BBC interruption...
0:12:34 > 0:12:37And now, we interrupt this programme to tell you that
0:12:37 > 0:12:39the interruption to the interruption is over.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41Good night.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17HE SINGS
0:13:29 > 0:13:31Good evening.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34Er, the Pope has promised Bruce Forsyth an audience.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37He's sending a charabanc of nuns to the Palladium.
0:13:39 > 0:13:43Marylebone police are looking for a tall blonde with a 42-inch bust.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46Asked what the charge was, they said there's no charge,
0:13:46 > 0:13:48we're just looking for a tall blonde.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54HE PLAYS PIANO
0:14:04 > 0:14:05HE GROANS
0:14:05 > 0:14:08SILENT FILM SCORE PLAYS
0:16:19 > 0:16:22Cut to a picture of Spike dressed as Hitler
0:16:22 > 0:16:23wearing German Admiral's uniform.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26Standing on what appears to be the bridge of the Bismarck,
0:16:26 > 0:16:27or some other herring.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30Standing with three actors all dressed identically.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33These additional Hitlers are all looking puzzled.
0:16:33 > 0:16:34They have been cloned.
0:16:34 > 0:16:35Bring on the clones.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38No idea what they're doing on the bridge of a herring called Bismarck.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41Neither have we. That is why we are getting out
0:16:41 > 0:16:43of this sketch as soon as possible.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56Yes, quite obviously, Hitler doesn't know the sketch is over
0:16:56 > 0:16:58and is going for a laugh.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01There goes one now.
0:17:01 > 0:17:02Watch out, Poland! You're next!
0:17:11 > 0:17:13- TV PRESENTER:- Here is an announcement for a Mr Al Capone.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16Your sketch has ended and there is a cheque in the post.
0:17:16 > 0:17:20Another sketch will follow almost immediately.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22Meanwhile, here is a test card.
0:17:28 > 0:17:33Here is the Reverend Franklin with a few calming words.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35Librium, Valium, Mogadon.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46And, er... And as a funny payoff.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Ah-achoo!
0:17:54 > 0:17:56- I say, I say, I say.- What do you say, what do you say, what do you say?
0:17:56 > 0:17:59- My dog has no nose. - How does he smell?- Terrible.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02- I say, I say, I say.- What do you say, what do you say, what do you say?
0:18:02 > 0:18:05- My dog has no nose. - How does he smell?- Terrible.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08- I say, I say, I say.- What do you say, what do you say, what do you say?
0:18:08 > 0:18:10- My dog has no nose. - How does he smell?- Terrible.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12- What are we supposed to be doing? - Running eggs.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14I say, I say, I say...
0:18:14 > 0:18:16HE SINGS GERMAN NATIONAL ANTHEM
0:18:21 > 0:18:22WHOOPING NOISE
0:18:22 > 0:18:25- Chateau deeth!- House of the Death! - What?
0:18:25 > 0:18:26THEY GROAN
0:18:32 > 0:18:35- HE BLOWS WHISTLE - Have a break.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38THEY GROAN
0:18:39 > 0:18:41Rats!
0:18:41 > 0:18:43THEY SQUEAK
0:18:46 > 0:18:48THEY MEOW
0:18:51 > 0:18:54- HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY - Woof!- Wrong!
0:18:54 > 0:18:56THEY SCREAM
0:19:07 > 0:19:11THEY SING WILLIAM TELL OVERTURE
0:19:13 > 0:19:17Yes! I'm back to life! I'm white horse to the centre sponge!
0:19:17 > 0:19:20And it's the stone ranger and...
0:19:20 > 0:19:22BLASTING NOISES
0:19:22 > 0:19:26- What's that?- Stop, Stop!- All stop.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29- This is getting ridiculous. - What do you mean ridiculous?
0:19:29 > 0:19:32MUSIC: Dance Of The Sugar Plum Fairy by Tchaikovsky
0:19:38 > 0:19:41- IMPRESSION OF MARGARET THATCHER: - Attention, studio audience.
0:19:41 > 0:19:42Thatcher!
0:19:42 > 0:19:47The next joke is waiting for you at Golders Green.
0:19:51 > 0:19:55This government will continue to pursue policies
0:19:55 > 0:19:59which will bring it within our grasp.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02APPLAUSE
0:20:08 > 0:20:11And now, here to reply to the Prime Minister's speech
0:20:11 > 0:20:14is Mr Edward Mancroft, the Labour member for Deptford.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16CUTLERY FALLS
0:20:17 > 0:20:20My lords, ladies,
0:20:20 > 0:20:21Mr Lord Mayor,
0:20:21 > 0:20:23Madam Prime Minister.
0:20:24 > 0:20:25HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY
0:20:30 > 0:20:32Hitler sings George Formby.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37- HE SINGS IN GERMAN ACCENT - # Oh, Mr Vu,
0:20:37 > 0:20:38# Vot can I do?
0:20:38 > 0:20:40# I've got to go... #
0:20:45 > 0:20:48- MAN SINGS:- # Oh, I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts
0:20:48 > 0:20:50# There they are all standing in a row. #
0:20:50 > 0:20:53- Morning, darling.- Good morning, my wee lovey.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55What a lovely morning it is.
0:20:55 > 0:20:56HE MOANS
0:20:56 > 0:20:58BELL CHIMES
0:20:58 > 0:21:01ANNOUNCER 1: Yes, she knows what his problem is.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03It's 'the farmers'.
0:21:04 > 0:21:08- ANNOUNCER 2:- Yes, what he needs is Preparation Ouch.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12Just one a day with the new applicator.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17- Good morning, darling. - Good morning, darling.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19What a beautiful day it's been.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21Oh, look, my favourite breakfast.
0:21:21 > 0:21:22HE CHUCKLES
0:21:25 > 0:21:28Yes, send your farmers packing with...
0:21:30 > 0:21:32..Preparation Ouch.
0:21:36 > 0:21:37A newsflash, we've just heard
0:21:37 > 0:21:40that the unemployment figures are starting to fall drastically.
0:21:40 > 0:21:41So, for an explanation,
0:21:41 > 0:21:45over now to Mr Norman Tebbit, the Minister of Employment.
0:21:45 > 0:21:46GUNSHOT
0:21:46 > 0:21:47HE WHISTLES
0:21:51 > 0:21:52GUNSHOT
0:21:52 > 0:21:54HE WHISTLES
0:22:00 > 0:22:01HE BLOWS A HORN
0:22:01 > 0:22:03Thank you, thank you,
0:22:03 > 0:22:04that'll be all today, Ms Molly.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06Thank you very much.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09- Ah, come in. - KNOCK ON DOOR
0:22:10 > 0:22:13SQUEAKING
0:22:15 > 0:22:17Ah, Mr Daft.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20SQUEAKING CONTINUES
0:22:23 > 0:22:25Do sit down, will you, Shrinker.
0:22:30 > 0:22:34Look here, Shrinker, I expect you're wondering why I sent for you.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37Tell me, how long have you been a suppository tester...?
0:22:37 > 0:22:39LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
0:22:39 > 0:22:40I started at the bottom
0:22:40 > 0:22:42and, er, and I stayed there.
0:22:44 > 0:22:45Yes, of course,
0:22:45 > 0:22:48with your condition you are the ideal test-bed.
0:22:50 > 0:22:51Tell me, how long have you worked here?
0:22:51 > 0:22:54182 years, sir.
0:22:54 > 0:22:55182?
0:22:55 > 0:22:58Yes, I've put a lot of overtime in, mind you.
0:23:00 > 0:23:01HE GROANS
0:23:01 > 0:23:03I can't sit down on this job.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05Look here, Shrinker.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07It's never been my policy to focus on
0:23:07 > 0:23:09other people's handicaps
0:23:09 > 0:23:12but er, look, what I'm trying to say is well,
0:23:12 > 0:23:15you see, you have a certain problem.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18You, you mean, the metrics?
0:23:18 > 0:23:21- Metrics?- Yes, the metric miles.
0:23:21 > 0:23:24- Oh, you mean the piles?- Yes, sir.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26Didn't you know we call them metrics, sir?
0:23:26 > 0:23:30I assure you, Shrinker, I have no axe to grind with the piles.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35Thank heavens, for hearing you say that, sir.
0:23:35 > 0:23:36Look here, Shrinker,
0:23:36 > 0:23:41it's come to my attention that, while working here,
0:23:41 > 0:23:43while testing suppositories,
0:23:43 > 0:23:45you've been bursting into flames.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48I know, sir. I'm very sorry, sir.
0:23:48 > 0:23:53Ever since you started working here, you've caught fire 32 times.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55And on one occasion,
0:23:55 > 0:23:57both your legs became a blazing inferno
0:23:57 > 0:24:00and firemen had to force their way into your trousers
0:24:00 > 0:24:02using breathing apparatus.
0:24:02 > 0:24:03Do you mind, sir?
0:24:03 > 0:24:05No, go ahead.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18Thank you, sir. Thank you.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20Er, look here, Shrinker,
0:24:20 > 0:24:23I'm afraid you'll have to be made redundant.
0:24:23 > 0:24:24No.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26Yes, I'm afraid so, you see,
0:24:26 > 0:24:28you've been superseded by the latest development
0:24:28 > 0:24:29in haemorrhoid technology.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31Not nuclear piles?
0:24:31 > 0:24:34No, the new,
0:24:34 > 0:24:37self-inserting suppository applicator.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39HE SCREAMS
0:24:41 > 0:24:42- Run Telecine.- No.
0:24:42 > 0:24:47MALE ANNOUNCER: Preparation Ouch puts a smile on your face.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49- FEMALE ANNOUNCER:- The 'in' thing.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54NEWSREADER: "Shih Tzu dogs terrify London."
0:25:05 > 0:25:07- NEWSREADER:- "Lamppost slaughter by Shih Tzu dogs continues."
0:25:14 > 0:25:15NEWSREADER: "Shih Tzu dog scare.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17"'What next?', asks Maggie Thatcher."
0:25:42 > 0:25:45SAXOPHONE MUSIC PLAYS
0:25:51 > 0:25:52MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY
0:25:55 > 0:25:56MUSIC RESUMES
0:26:19 > 0:26:21- HE WHISPERS:- Is it on?
0:26:26 > 0:26:28Er, um, the...um,
0:26:28 > 0:26:32very high up here tonight, very high up there.
0:26:32 > 0:26:33And, um...
0:26:35 > 0:26:36This has got a bit, er...
0:26:36 > 0:26:39It'll be very low all the way down there.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45And, um...
0:26:45 > 0:26:47this is...England tonight.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50All this, is England.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55And, um, that, um...
0:26:55 > 0:26:57this will be England tomorrow.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00All tomorrow.
0:27:00 > 0:27:01You'll see, you'll just see,
0:27:01 > 0:27:04you wait, you'll see that's England tomorrow.
0:27:07 > 0:27:09Er, the whistler and his dog.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12HE WHISTLES
0:27:13 > 0:27:14Woof.
0:27:16 > 0:27:19Er, the whistler and his...horse.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21HE WHISTLES
0:27:24 > 0:27:28Er, the whistler and, er, somebody else...
0:27:28 > 0:27:30HE WHISTLES
0:27:30 > 0:27:32..er, Jim.
0:27:54 > 0:27:57- IN A REGIMENTAL TONE:- Dearly, I stand to you -
0:27:57 > 0:27:59Eyes, front!
0:28:00 > 0:28:02Deputy...
0:28:02 > 0:28:03Our Father,
0:28:03 > 0:28:06Who art i-i-in Heaven.
0:28:06 > 0:28:08As you were, as you were.
0:28:08 > 0:28:11Hallowed be thy-y-y name.
0:28:11 > 0:28:14Thy Kingdom - wait for it, wait for it -
0:28:14 > 0:28:16come.
0:28:16 > 0:28:18Thy will, be done.
0:28:18 > 0:28:20Give us this day-y-y.
0:28:20 > 0:28:23Our daily bread. Steady, steady, steady.
0:28:23 > 0:28:24And forgive us our trespasses.
0:28:24 > 0:28:26As we forgive them
0:28:26 > 0:28:27who've trespassed against us.
0:28:27 > 0:28:30A-a-amen.
0:28:30 > 0:28:31SOLDIERS' FEET STOMP