0:00:02 > 0:00:03This programme contains strong language
0:00:03 > 0:00:05and scenes which some viewers may find upsetting.
0:00:05 > 0:00:08- LEDGE:- 'What happens over the next 72 hours will change us as men.
0:00:08 > 0:00:10'And when we get home, we will say
0:00:10 > 0:00:13'that this was the stag to end all stags.'
0:00:13 > 0:00:15RAUCOUS SINGING
0:00:15 > 0:00:20'The stag-hunting stag of Angus "Johnners" Johnson,
0:00:20 > 0:00:22'the best friend a man could have!'
0:00:22 > 0:00:24- FRAN ON PHONE:- 'Just promise me you'll make sure he comes back
0:00:24 > 0:00:26- 'in one piece.' - I promise.
0:00:26 > 0:00:27ALL: To the kill!
0:00:27 > 0:00:29LOUD THUD, SQUELCH
0:00:29 > 0:00:30Aitken?
0:00:30 > 0:00:32LOUD ROAR
0:00:32 > 0:00:34This has got to be the worst stag weekend ever.
0:00:34 > 0:00:38They're all horrific. That lot have got more money than sense.
0:00:38 > 0:00:39HE SCREAMS
0:00:39 > 0:00:40Wendy!
0:00:40 > 0:00:42Come on, Neils!
0:00:45 > 0:00:46FADING WHISTLE
0:00:46 > 0:00:49These people are worthless, Ian.
0:00:49 > 0:00:50If that's how you feel, then...
0:00:51 > 0:00:53- ...why come?- To end it.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55- LEDGE:- No idea what Johnners sees in him.
0:00:55 > 0:00:58He even tried to get him into the Guernsey scheme.
0:00:58 > 0:00:59I said, "There's no way
0:00:59 > 0:01:02"that sofa-surfing pleb has 200K lying around."
0:01:02 > 0:01:05- GAMEKEEPER:- You don't turn your back on the important things.
0:01:05 > 0:01:07Could you call 999?
0:01:07 > 0:01:09GUN FIRES
0:01:11 > 0:01:14What are you doing here? I haven't seen you since...
0:01:14 > 0:01:16When was it? Chiggy's wedding?
0:01:30 > 0:01:32MUSIC: Photograph by Ed Sheeran
0:01:44 > 0:01:46# Loving can hurt
0:01:48 > 0:01:51# Loving can hurt sometimes
0:01:53 > 0:01:58# But it's the only thing that I know
0:02:02 > 0:02:05# And when it gets hard... # DOOR OPENS
0:02:05 > 0:02:07# You know it can get hard sometimes... #
0:02:07 > 0:02:09DOOR SLAMS
0:02:09 > 0:02:12THUNDER CRASHES
0:02:12 > 0:02:16# It is the only thing that makes us feel alive... #
0:02:49 > 0:02:50SPLASHING
0:02:50 > 0:02:52HE GRUNTS IN FRUSTRATION
0:02:52 > 0:02:54Come on!
0:02:54 > 0:02:56Ohh!
0:02:56 > 0:02:58Ohhh!
0:03:06 > 0:03:07HE SNIFFS
0:03:55 > 0:03:58ENGINE SPUTTERS
0:04:11 > 0:04:13Oh. Yeah.
0:04:13 > 0:04:14Yeah...
0:04:18 > 0:04:19Going somewhere?
0:04:19 > 0:04:21Not that funny, to be honest.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23I'm not joking. Where've you been?
0:04:23 > 0:04:25How long have you had a gun?
0:04:25 > 0:04:27It's a flare gun. I found it under the seat.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29Why haven't you fired it?
0:04:29 > 0:04:30There's only one round.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32We only need one rescue.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34Steady on, Lego man. We don't want to waste it.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37We'll fire it when we get into open ground.
0:04:41 > 0:04:42Christoph's dead.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44Yeah. I heard.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46Really? Who told you?
0:04:46 > 0:04:48The shot, you prat, I heard the shot.
0:04:51 > 0:04:52So...
0:04:54 > 0:04:55..it's just you and me now.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00Only kidding.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02LEDGE WHISTLES
0:05:04 > 0:05:06- JOHNNERS:- So, why did you go back?
0:05:06 > 0:05:07To help him!
0:05:07 > 0:05:08How?
0:05:08 > 0:05:10By smearing deer shit all in his face.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13It was a nice gesture, mate.
0:05:16 > 0:05:17I witnessed everything.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20And in the end, he took it like a man.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23- You saw the killer?- No.
0:05:24 > 0:05:25But Christoph did.
0:05:27 > 0:05:28And Christoph recognised him.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32It's someone we know?
0:05:33 > 0:05:36OK. OK. So we just wait for the police to turn up and arrest
0:05:36 > 0:05:39this so-called bloody friend of ours.
0:05:39 > 0:05:40If Cosmo did reach the cops,
0:05:40 > 0:05:42don't you think they'd be here already?
0:05:42 > 0:05:45Guys, I know exactly what we should do.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50Pylons.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52What, like when everyone jumps on top of each other?
0:05:54 > 0:05:55Electricity pylons.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00They're not here. On the map.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03This map, it's fake. I don't know, whoever made it should be fired
0:06:03 > 0:06:04from Ordnance Survey, frankly.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07But the pylons are real. I saw them yesterday.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10And what do you find when you follow electricity pylons?
0:06:12 > 0:06:13People.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15You follow them for long enough
0:06:15 > 0:06:17and you'll hit a power station or, even better,
0:06:17 > 0:06:18a network of telegraph poles
0:06:18 > 0:06:20leading to a residential or a commercial property.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22- Either way...- No!
0:06:22 > 0:06:24I-I'm sorry.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30I don't know about you guys, but I'm bored of running.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33This entire weekend has been defined by running.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35- And homicide.- Exactly.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37And that's not what any of us signed up for.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39I mean, this was meant to be one last weekend, you know,
0:06:39 > 0:06:42where we all hang out and have fun before we all get married
0:06:42 > 0:06:45and we're told that we're not allowed to do this any more.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47So enough's enough!
0:06:47 > 0:06:49This is my stag do.
0:06:49 > 0:06:53I came here to hunt, and that is exactly what I'm going to do.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55I really don't think there's time for that, man.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58No, I'm going to hunt down whoever's doing this.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01And then I'm going to kill them.
0:07:01 > 0:07:02- LEDGE:- Now, hold on.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05Wait. There's 500 square miles here.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08And that's just the map. It's the tip of the iceberg.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12You can't find him. You're never going to find him.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14We don't need to find him, Ian.
0:07:15 > 0:07:16He's going to find us.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29DISTANT EXPLOSION
0:08:23 > 0:08:24Hey!
0:08:29 > 0:08:30SHOUTS: Hey!
0:08:36 > 0:08:37Excuse me?!
0:08:39 > 0:08:41- LEDGE:- Hey!
0:08:41 > 0:08:42Yoo-hoo!
0:08:42 > 0:08:43Oh, shit!
0:08:43 > 0:08:46- MEX:- Hey, mister!
0:08:46 > 0:08:48- LEDGE:- Oi-oi! Wanker!
0:08:49 > 0:08:51- MEX:- Yo!
0:09:10 > 0:09:11Shooooot!
0:09:33 > 0:09:35DISTORTED: Angus!
0:09:47 > 0:09:49I've been shot!
0:09:49 > 0:09:51No shit!
0:09:51 > 0:09:53- Angus!- Please!
0:09:53 > 0:09:55- Mate!- Help!
0:09:55 > 0:09:57- LEDGE:- Nobody move. Seriously.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59This could be like that bit
0:09:59 > 0:10:00in Saving Private Ryan.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03He could be waiting to shoot us when we go to help Johnners.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05I love Saving Private Ryan!
0:10:05 > 0:10:06Not now, Mex.
0:10:06 > 0:10:10Apparently, loads of veterans who saw it at the cinema said that
0:10:10 > 0:10:14that bit at the beginning was more realistic than actually being there.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16- LEDGE:- Let's talk about this later, mate.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19Guys? This is Ian.
0:10:20 > 0:10:21Hi, Ian.
0:10:21 > 0:10:22All right?
0:10:23 > 0:10:25Do you think you could crawl round this way?
0:10:44 > 0:10:46GUNSHOTS HIT CAR DOOR
0:10:46 > 0:10:48Oh, shit!
0:10:48 > 0:10:49- I'm fine, I'm fine.- You OK?
0:10:50 > 0:10:52GUNSHOTS HIT CAR DOOR
0:10:55 > 0:10:56Oh!
0:11:04 > 0:11:06Do you want some?
0:11:07 > 0:11:09Keep moving!
0:11:09 > 0:11:11GUNSHOTS
0:11:17 > 0:11:19THEY GRUNT
0:11:19 > 0:11:21We'll get Johnners. You keep watch.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23OK!
0:11:23 > 0:11:24Go.
0:11:24 > 0:11:25What can you see?
0:11:25 > 0:11:27Hang on.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32GUNSHOT
0:11:32 > 0:11:33Oh! Shit! Go!
0:11:35 > 0:11:37GUNSHOT
0:11:50 > 0:11:53- LEDGE:- What the hell happened there? Johnners?
0:11:53 > 0:11:54Johnners!
0:11:54 > 0:11:56Angus! What the fuck was that?
0:11:56 > 0:11:58Look, let's just get out of here, shall we?
0:11:58 > 0:12:00We put our lives on the line, like we agreed.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02All you had to do was pull the bloody trigger.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04You bottled it.
0:12:04 > 0:12:05Go easy, the guy's just been shot.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08The guy got shot because he pussied out.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10Maybe that's what getting hit does to a man.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13Anyway, look at it. You got worse injuries playing rugby.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16What do you want me to say?
0:12:16 > 0:12:17That I'm sorry? Fine.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19Yeah. Sorry.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21Sorry I don't have it in me to murder.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23Yes, we can't all shoot things.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26You can't, Thumbnail. But then, you didn't volunteer.
0:12:29 > 0:12:30Fuck!
0:12:32 > 0:12:34Ow! Fuck!
0:12:34 > 0:12:35Fuck!
0:12:38 > 0:12:42It is time...to end this.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44No! No!
0:12:44 > 0:12:46No, just... Just... No.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50We only fire the flare if we're in serious trouble.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52- What do you call this?! - Right now, Ledge,
0:12:52 > 0:12:54right now, we're OK.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57But if we get separated or we're at death's door,
0:12:57 > 0:12:58that's when we pull the trigger.
0:12:58 > 0:12:59That's what it's for.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03As a last resort. Yes?
0:13:04 > 0:13:06- Yes? ALL:- Yes...
0:13:06 > 0:13:08Thank you.
0:13:10 > 0:13:11That's confiscated.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15Now, I don't know what you guys want to do next,
0:13:15 > 0:13:17but I know where I'm going.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19I'm heading for the pylons.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22And, with a bit of help from the National Grid,
0:13:22 > 0:13:24I'm getting the fuck out of here.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38Ledge?
0:13:38 > 0:13:40Mate!
0:14:12 > 0:14:15WIRES HUM
0:14:25 > 0:14:28You must be used to all this rural shit, being from Eastbourne.
0:14:29 > 0:14:30I'm surprised you remember.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33Of course I remember. Besides, my father has a property down there.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36- Really? Where?- Do you know where that big shopping centre is?
0:14:36 > 0:14:37Yeah.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39Yeah, right there.
0:14:39 > 0:14:40What, near the shopping centre?
0:14:44 > 0:14:45The shopping centre itself.
0:14:46 > 0:14:50- Is that anywhere near you? - About a mile.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52My place is a little bit smaller.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55A small house for a small man, I suppose.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59Don't do that, mate.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01- What?- Do yourself down.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05You're a bigger man than we'd have you believe.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19Who's Chiggy?
0:15:19 > 0:15:21- Who?- Chiggy.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23Do you mean Alice Chigwell-Jones?
0:15:23 > 0:15:24I don't know.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26God, I haven't heard that name in a long time.
0:15:26 > 0:15:27HE CHUCKLES
0:15:27 > 0:15:30Well, that's how they knew each other.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35Christoph recognised the killer from Chiggy's wedding.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37Maybe it narrows it down.
0:15:39 > 0:15:40- MEX:- Where have they gone?!
0:15:45 > 0:15:46What?
0:15:46 > 0:15:48They can't just stop for no reason.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50You know?
0:15:51 > 0:15:53They must... They must go somewhere.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57FAINT ROARING
0:15:57 > 0:15:59There.
0:15:59 > 0:16:02Of course! Can you hear that?
0:16:06 > 0:16:09Who can tell me what that is?
0:16:15 > 0:16:17IAN: Hydroelectric!
0:16:20 > 0:16:22- MEX:- I think we can get onto it over there.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25THEY LAUGH DELIGHTEDLY
0:16:27 > 0:16:30Right! This is it.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32It's the only way out.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34Are you sure?
0:16:34 > 0:16:36That's what the gamekeeper said.
0:16:50 > 0:16:51Guys? Guys!
0:16:51 > 0:16:54Keep your eyes on the hills.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56We're sitting ducks out here.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18This is intense!
0:17:18 > 0:17:21- Eyes peeled, boys. - Keep your head down, Mex!
0:17:24 > 0:17:27I'm going to bring my nephew up here when this is all over.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29CLICK
0:17:35 > 0:17:38- Back up. Back up, back up! - What, and leave Mex?
0:17:38 > 0:17:41That's what Mex would want us to do. Yeah, buddy?
0:17:41 > 0:17:45Because this is dangerous...for everyone, isn't it, Mexico?
0:18:03 > 0:18:05Retrace your steps, guys.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09Retrace your steps.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28Whatever you do, Mex...don't move.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32And keep your head down.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37Try...try and stay comfortable.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48Where's that bloody sniper when you need him?
0:18:48 > 0:18:50Don't even speak, Mex.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53It might sense your mouth moving.
0:18:53 > 0:18:54I suppose, in a way,
0:18:54 > 0:18:57if we're looking for a silver lining...
0:18:59 > 0:19:03...when I die...your shares in the scheme grow even bigger.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06Mex, shut up!
0:19:06 > 0:19:07For your own safety!
0:19:10 > 0:19:11Guys, I can't handle it.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14- I'm just going to step off. - Oh, OK, mate, OK...
0:19:14 > 0:19:16But before you do, I've got an idea.
0:19:17 > 0:19:21How about you tell the others what we talked about?
0:19:21 > 0:19:23I think that'd be good. Don't you?
0:19:26 > 0:19:28What we talked about up on the hill, mate, remember?
0:19:31 > 0:19:32Are you sure?
0:19:32 > 0:19:36I don't...think anyone would mind.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38Honestly?
0:19:38 > 0:19:40Honestly.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42We've all known each other a very long time.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44We can share that kind of shit.
0:19:44 > 0:19:48And then, whatever happens, if you decide to step off,
0:19:48 > 0:19:49at least it'll be out there, mate.
0:19:51 > 0:19:52It's very personal.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54I get that.
0:19:55 > 0:19:56You can do it, buddy.
0:19:58 > 0:19:59I think I know what it is.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03You do? How?!
0:20:03 > 0:20:05And I agree.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07I agree with Ledge. You should just say it.
0:20:09 > 0:20:10Say it.
0:20:11 > 0:20:12And step off.
0:20:18 > 0:20:19OK, guys.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24The truth is...
0:20:26 > 0:20:28..Ledge can't have children.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30THUNDER RUMBLES
0:20:30 > 0:20:33The poor guy just does not have the sperms.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37OK...
0:20:37 > 0:20:38Here goes.
0:20:49 > 0:20:50I'm OK!
0:20:50 > 0:20:52- MEX LAUGHS - I'm OK!
0:20:52 > 0:20:53I'm OK!
0:20:53 > 0:20:55- THEY CHEER - I'm OK!
0:20:57 > 0:20:59You jammy bastard!
0:20:59 > 0:21:03# I'm still standing Yeah, yeah, yeah! #
0:21:04 > 0:21:05Sing it, girlfriend!
0:21:05 > 0:21:08OK, well, you might want to be careful,
0:21:08 > 0:21:10actually, cos there could be a second...
0:21:35 > 0:21:37Let's go.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41We could...we could take our chances.
0:21:45 > 0:21:46We're nearly there.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50I'm just beginning to like you, Ewok,
0:21:50 > 0:21:53but that is the worst idea since the Millennium Dome.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31What the hell's this investment scheme everyone keeps talking about?
0:22:31 > 0:22:32Huh?
0:22:36 > 0:22:38What are you two involved in?
0:22:41 > 0:22:43Do you know what, Ian?
0:22:43 > 0:22:46I'm glad you came on my stag.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48It's great. But...
0:22:48 > 0:22:52That doesn't mean you can go nosing into everyone's business.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55Well, it does if my life's in danger.
0:22:55 > 0:22:56Oh, your life's in danger?
0:22:56 > 0:22:58All of our lives are in danger.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00That's all you need to worry about, mate.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03Listen, Ian, I've been thinking.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06And, um, maybe you should just fuck off.
0:23:08 > 0:23:09Excuse me?
0:23:09 > 0:23:11You said it yourself. The killer knows us.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13Us. Not you.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15So...
0:23:15 > 0:23:16You should go.
0:23:20 > 0:23:21But we stick together!
0:23:23 > 0:23:25Look what happened yesterday when we split up.
0:23:25 > 0:23:26He's right, Ian.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29You'll be safer alone, mate.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35- But...- But what?
0:23:37 > 0:23:39But I promised my sister.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41Fran would want me to tell you to go.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43The killer can't be in two places at once.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49So this is it, then.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15OK, Wizbit, piss off.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19Run!
0:25:09 > 0:25:12FLIES BUZZ
0:25:30 > 0:25:31GRUNTS
0:26:27 > 0:26:29MUSIC PLAYS FAINTLY
0:26:33 > 0:26:36# ...I can't sweep you off of your feet
0:26:40 > 0:26:43# Will your mouth still remember the taste of my love?
0:26:46 > 0:26:48# Will your eyes still smile from your cheeks?
0:26:50 > 0:26:55# And, darling, I will be loving you...
0:26:55 > 0:26:57# Till we're 70
0:27:01 > 0:27:09# And, baby, my heart could still fall as hard at 23
0:27:12 > 0:27:16# And I'm thinkin' 'bout how people
0:27:16 > 0:27:21# Fall in love in mysterious ways
0:27:21 > 0:27:25# Maybe just the touch of a hand
0:27:28 > 0:27:33# Me, I fall in love with you every single day... #
0:27:33 > 0:27:35TRAP DOOR OPENS
0:27:37 > 0:27:40# So, honey, now
0:27:43 > 0:27:46# Take me into your loving arms
0:27:49 > 0:27:53# Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars
0:27:55 > 0:27:58# Place your hand on my beating heart
0:28:00 > 0:28:03# I'm thinking out loud
0:28:03 > 0:28:05# Baby, we found love...
0:28:05 > 0:28:08# Right where we are
0:28:10 > 0:28:12# When my hair's all gone and... #
0:28:12 > 0:28:13PLASTIC BOTTLE CRUNCHES
0:28:19 > 0:28:24# When my hands don't play the strings the same way... #
0:28:28 > 0:28:30Can I just say, I know exactly what this is about?
0:28:30 > 0:28:33This is about the financial scheme that they're all involved in,
0:28:33 > 0:28:35which has absolutely nothing to do with me, OK?
0:28:35 > 0:28:36I've never even been to Guernsey.
0:28:36 > 0:28:38I've not been to any of the Channel Islands.
0:28:38 > 0:28:40- Kneel down.- Oh...
0:28:40 > 0:28:41Oh, God.
0:28:43 > 0:28:44I pay all my taxes.
0:28:45 > 0:28:47I don't have a choice. I'm PAYE.
0:28:47 > 0:28:50It's a good system. I don't have a problem with it.
0:28:50 > 0:28:52Put it on. Now.
0:28:54 > 0:28:56Why blindfold me if...
0:28:56 > 0:28:58I already know what you look like?
0:28:58 > 0:29:00It's not a blindfold.
0:29:05 > 0:29:07It's going to get messy. Gotcha...
0:29:15 > 0:29:18Can I just say one last thing?
0:29:18 > 0:29:19Please?
0:29:21 > 0:29:23This seems like an unusual request, but...
0:29:23 > 0:29:25would you mind shooting me in the face...
0:29:26 > 0:29:28..rather than the back?
0:29:29 > 0:29:31Seeing as you don't know me...
0:29:32 > 0:29:36..I'd like you to see just who it is you are actually murdering.
0:29:44 > 0:29:45Ah!
0:29:59 > 0:30:01Oh!
0:30:01 > 0:30:03HE GROANS
0:30:11 > 0:30:12Ohhh!
0:30:33 > 0:30:35TWIGS CRACK
0:31:05 > 0:31:07STAG GRUNTS
0:31:20 > 0:31:21LEDGE GROANS IN DISGUST
0:31:23 > 0:31:26Who was at Chiggy's wedding?
0:31:26 > 0:31:27I don't know.
0:31:27 > 0:31:29There was, like, hundreds of people.
0:31:31 > 0:31:34Yeah, but who do WE know who was there?
0:31:34 > 0:31:35Er...
0:31:35 > 0:31:39Well, I don't know. It was, like, ten years ago, wasn't it?
0:31:44 > 0:31:46Sorry I ballsed this up, buddy.
0:31:48 > 0:31:50This is the opposite of a decent stag.
0:31:52 > 0:31:53Seriously unforgivable.
0:31:56 > 0:31:59I mean, what are we going to tell people when we get back to Clapham?
0:31:59 > 0:32:01Don't beat yourself up about it.
0:32:01 > 0:32:04I will beat myself up about it, thank you very much.
0:32:04 > 0:32:07You see, I'm responsible. I'm the world's worst best man.
0:32:11 > 0:32:13Should have done the boozy lunch.
0:32:15 > 0:32:17Should have done the boozy lunch.
0:32:23 > 0:32:25Mex was right.
0:32:25 > 0:32:28The Guernsey Six is now the Guernsey Pair.
0:32:28 > 0:32:29You and I are 50/50.
0:32:29 > 0:32:31That's, what...
0:32:33 > 0:32:35..twelve and a half million apiece.
0:32:36 > 0:32:40Don't know about you, but I'm not sure I even want it after all this.
0:32:40 > 0:32:43I might give it all to charity.
0:32:43 > 0:32:46Better still, get myself a gig on Dragons' Den.
0:32:50 > 0:32:52Quieten down, buddy.
0:32:52 > 0:32:54Stag's talking now.
0:32:59 > 0:33:00Stag's talking.
0:33:02 > 0:33:03That's it, buddy.
0:33:23 > 0:33:24I'm going to miss you, buddy.
0:33:28 > 0:33:30IAN CLICKS TONGUE Where are you, boy?
0:33:31 > 0:33:33CLICKS TONGUE
0:33:33 > 0:33:35STAG GRUNTS
0:33:43 > 0:33:45Where are you taking me, boy?
0:33:45 > 0:33:47CLICKS TONGUE
0:34:04 > 0:34:07STAG BELLOWS
0:34:37 > 0:34:38STAG GRUNTS
0:34:42 > 0:34:43Show-off.
0:35:02 > 0:35:04TRAP DOOR OPENS
0:35:08 > 0:35:09Christ, Angus,
0:35:09 > 0:35:12- you could have got yourself shot. - Again, you mean?
0:35:14 > 0:35:16I'm going to need a new best man.
0:35:29 > 0:35:31HE COUGHS
0:36:11 > 0:36:13FLARE EXPLODES
0:36:42 > 0:36:44- JOHNNERS:- Did you notice the gate-crasher?
0:36:44 > 0:36:46Christoph? He's dealt with.
0:36:46 > 0:36:48I know Christoph was here. Who do you think buried him for you?
0:36:48 > 0:36:50I'm talking about the little guy, Ian.
0:36:55 > 0:36:56Sophie?
0:36:56 > 0:36:58He saw me.
0:36:59 > 0:37:01He's seen my face.
0:37:01 > 0:37:02How?
0:37:03 > 0:37:04He found this place.
0:37:04 > 0:37:06I came back and he was in here.
0:37:06 > 0:37:08When?
0:37:08 > 0:37:09Two hours ago?
0:37:12 > 0:37:15You did two tours in Helmand.
0:37:15 > 0:37:18You're armed with antipersonnel mines, a high-powered rifle
0:37:18 > 0:37:21and a harpoon gun, and you managed to let a new potato in a dinner suit
0:37:21 > 0:37:22beat you up with a bottle of Evian?
0:37:24 > 0:37:26Well, it sounds bad when you put it like that.
0:37:26 > 0:37:27You have to deal with this.
0:37:27 > 0:37:30It's your fuck-up, your responsibility.
0:37:30 > 0:37:31Don't talk to me like that.
0:37:31 > 0:37:33I can't lead them round in circles for ever.
0:37:33 > 0:37:36I can't pin it on the gamekeeper any more. You need to finish the job.
0:37:37 > 0:37:40I'll call you from a landline. Make sure it's done, OK?
0:37:40 > 0:37:42- You'll call off the wedding? - Oh, yeah, of course.
0:37:44 > 0:37:47I might even take you for a romantic night away.
0:37:47 > 0:37:50Another mindless quickie in the Premier Inn?
0:37:50 > 0:37:51Sophie, please!
0:37:51 > 0:37:54We'll have 25 million in the bank.
0:37:54 > 0:37:56We'll do it in the Radisson Blu.
0:37:57 > 0:38:00You're doing so, so well.
0:38:00 > 0:38:02We're nearly there.
0:38:04 > 0:38:05OK?
0:38:08 > 0:38:10You dealt with the bodies?
0:38:10 > 0:38:13Make sure you burn the maps and the photos when you're done.
0:38:13 > 0:38:14Where are you going?
0:38:14 > 0:38:15I still need my alibi.
0:38:28 > 0:38:29(Johnners?)
0:38:36 > 0:38:37Johnners!
0:38:40 > 0:38:42Johnners!
0:38:50 > 0:38:51Ledge...
0:38:53 > 0:38:54Ledge? Ledge!
0:38:54 > 0:38:57Ledge! Ledge, come on.
0:38:57 > 0:38:59Come on, it's me. It's Ian.
0:38:59 > 0:39:01Ledge! Come on!
0:39:01 > 0:39:04It's Wizbit. Huh?
0:39:04 > 0:39:06It's Wizbit. It's croupier Gollum.
0:39:06 > 0:39:08It's...Sandi Toksvig. It's R2-D2.
0:39:08 > 0:39:10I... I can't remember them all, Ledge.
0:39:10 > 0:39:12Please... Ledge!
0:39:14 > 0:39:15Legend!
0:39:54 > 0:39:55COCKS GUN
0:40:04 > 0:40:05Go on, then.
0:40:11 > 0:40:14What's with the crazy long pause?
0:40:14 > 0:40:17It's not the fucking X Factor final. Do it.
0:40:21 > 0:40:22You're the last man standing.
0:40:27 > 0:40:29You weren't meant to be here.
0:40:30 > 0:40:32Well, I am.
0:40:32 > 0:40:34HE LAUGHS RUEFULLY I am here.
0:40:36 > 0:40:38Because I made a promise to my sister.
0:40:50 > 0:40:52This was the man...
0:40:52 > 0:40:54she was meant to have married.
0:40:54 > 0:40:56She loved him so much.
0:40:57 > 0:40:59She would have done anything for him.
0:41:00 > 0:41:03Whatever these guys are involved in...
0:41:03 > 0:41:06however much money's coming your way...
0:41:06 > 0:41:07doesn't make any of this...
0:41:08 > 0:41:10..OK.
0:41:10 > 0:41:12All right?
0:41:12 > 0:41:13Not even slightly.
0:41:22 > 0:41:25Do you think we could pretend we haven't seen each other?
0:41:28 > 0:41:30And we never are going to see each other.
0:41:30 > 0:41:32Ever again.
0:41:34 > 0:41:35How does that sound?
0:41:39 > 0:41:40Pretty peachy, to be honest.
0:41:43 > 0:41:45Before I change my mind.
0:41:56 > 0:41:58ENGINE STARTS
0:42:05 > 0:42:08Left one does the gears.
0:42:08 > 0:42:09Thank you!
0:42:57 > 0:42:58ENGINE IDLES
0:43:33 > 0:43:35Fuckin' hell!
0:44:24 > 0:44:26Evening!
0:44:30 > 0:44:32POP MUSIC PLAYS QUIETLY
0:44:44 > 0:44:45What can I get you?
0:44:45 > 0:44:47I need to use your phone, please.
0:44:47 > 0:44:49Someone's using it. So what you having?
0:44:50 > 0:44:52HE CLEARS HIS THROAT I'll just have the usual.
0:44:52 > 0:44:54Well, you've only been in here once.
0:44:54 > 0:44:56Well, I'll... I'll have what I had last time.
0:44:56 > 0:44:58- Which was...?- I don't know!
0:44:58 > 0:44:59I'll have an orange juice.
0:44:59 > 0:45:00Right.
0:45:23 > 0:45:25So, any good kills?
0:45:25 > 0:45:28- What?!- On your stag hunt.
0:45:31 > 0:45:32Quite a few, as it happens.
0:45:34 > 0:45:35I really need to use that telephone.
0:45:35 > 0:45:38I just told you, your friend is using it.
0:45:38 > 0:45:40He'll be back in a minute.
0:45:40 > 0:45:42JOHNNERS CHUCKLES IN DISTANCE
0:45:44 > 0:45:46- JOHNNERS LAUGHS - Yeah!
0:45:48 > 0:45:50I'll, er... I'll call you back.
0:45:54 > 0:45:56Ian!
0:45:57 > 0:45:59You're still alive!
0:46:00 > 0:46:01That's amazing!
0:46:02 > 0:46:03Yeah.
0:46:04 > 0:46:06Who were you just talking to?
0:46:06 > 0:46:07The police, of course.
0:46:07 > 0:46:09Of course.
0:46:09 > 0:46:11Yeah. And they're fully up to speed now, which is...
0:46:11 > 0:46:12Well, it's great.
0:46:14 > 0:46:16Maybe I should ring Fran.
0:46:16 > 0:46:18Well, I-I also rang Fran.
0:46:18 > 0:46:21She is one relieved woman, let me tell you.
0:46:23 > 0:46:25- JOHNNERS SIGHS - Yeah.
0:46:27 > 0:46:30I'm just...praying Ledge got out alive.
0:46:33 > 0:46:34JOHNNERS SIGHS
0:46:34 > 0:46:36Actually, Angus, I...
0:46:37 > 0:46:40And I'm very sorry to have to say this, but...
0:46:44 > 0:46:46He almost got out.
0:46:49 > 0:46:51He managed to fire that flare up, but...
0:46:52 > 0:46:53..he didn't quite make it.
0:46:55 > 0:46:57"Best man can't do everything."
0:47:08 > 0:47:10When he asked me to leave...
0:47:11 > 0:47:13..it's almost as if he knew
0:47:13 > 0:47:15he was sending me out of harm's way, you know?
0:47:16 > 0:47:18Yeah. I think you might be right.
0:47:23 > 0:47:24Ian Telford?
0:47:24 > 0:47:26Yes.
0:47:26 > 0:47:27Your card didn't go through.
0:47:27 > 0:47:30There's still over 500 quid on there.
0:47:30 > 0:47:32Try it again. I get paid on Fridays.
0:47:37 > 0:47:39And there's...
0:47:39 > 0:47:41..a wee tip...
0:47:41 > 0:47:43there for you, lassie!
0:47:49 > 0:47:50I'm just going to, er...
0:47:50 > 0:47:52pop to the bog.
0:48:49 > 0:48:51DOOR BANGS SHUT
0:48:54 > 0:48:55Number two, is it?
0:48:58 > 0:48:59Ian?
0:48:59 > 0:49:00TOILET FLUSHES
0:49:05 > 0:49:07Ian?
0:49:08 > 0:49:11Er, why don't you come back to the bar?
0:49:11 > 0:49:13We can carry on chatting.
0:49:24 > 0:49:26Oh, shit!
0:49:29 > 0:49:32Yeah, the Southmuir Arms.
0:49:34 > 0:49:35The police are on their way.
0:49:35 > 0:49:38How long till they get here?
0:49:38 > 0:49:41Hey, with the potholes in the road, it'll be the best part of an hour.
0:49:41 > 0:49:43LOUD CRASHING IAN: Sorry.
0:51:19 > 0:51:21Hey... Hey!
0:51:21 > 0:51:23- SHOUTING:- Hey! What are you doing?!
0:51:23 > 0:51:25Ian!
0:51:25 > 0:51:27Listen, buddy...
0:51:27 > 0:51:31OK, just to be clear, none of this has anything to do with your sister.
0:51:31 > 0:51:32She and I, we're...
0:51:32 > 0:51:34Well...
0:51:34 > 0:51:36we're soul mates.
0:51:36 > 0:51:37Soul mates?
0:51:39 > 0:51:41Well, let's see, shall we?
0:51:42 > 0:51:45Let's have a look at the old...questionnaire.
0:51:49 > 0:51:50Question one.
0:51:50 > 0:51:52Well, we-we have done question one...
0:51:52 > 0:51:54We tried.
0:51:54 > 0:51:56We haven't actually heard your answer.
0:51:56 > 0:51:57Oh, God...
0:51:57 > 0:51:59"When's Fran's birthday?"
0:52:03 > 0:52:06- It's...- No? No, I didn't think so.
0:52:06 > 0:52:07Question two.
0:52:07 > 0:52:09"Gillette, Tussauds or..."
0:52:09 > 0:52:11No, we'll forget that one.
0:52:19 > 0:52:20Where are they?
0:52:26 > 0:52:28IAN: Question 13. Ah, here we are.
0:52:28 > 0:52:30You'll like this one, actually.
0:52:30 > 0:52:32This is all about you.
0:52:33 > 0:52:36"What phrase would Fran use to describe Angus?"
0:52:37 > 0:52:40Ian, I... I don't want to play any more, buddy.
0:52:40 > 0:52:42- Answer the question!- "Sensitive."
0:52:45 > 0:52:46"Smells good."
0:52:49 > 0:52:50"OK at cooking."
0:52:50 > 0:52:52Do you want to know what it actually says?
0:52:54 > 0:52:55It says...
0:52:56 > 0:52:58.."Really well hung."
0:52:58 > 0:53:00What?
0:53:00 > 0:53:01Really? It says...
0:53:01 > 0:53:02No.
0:53:05 > 0:53:06No, Ian...
0:53:06 > 0:53:08Ian, buddy, wait.
0:53:08 > 0:53:09I...
0:53:09 > 0:53:11You don't deserve my sister.
0:53:11 > 0:53:14That's what this weekend's been about for me.
0:53:14 > 0:53:16There was a point where I thought she'd done well for herself, but...
0:53:21 > 0:53:23Ian!
0:53:23 > 0:53:24Ian, buddy...
0:53:25 > 0:53:27Ian...
0:53:28 > 0:53:31Ian, are you...are you still there?
0:53:31 > 0:53:33Yeah.
0:53:33 > 0:53:36Listen, buddy, I'll admit it, this whole Fran engagement thing,
0:53:36 > 0:53:39it was just a way to get everyone together, you know?
0:53:39 > 0:53:41The truth is that I don't love your sister.
0:53:41 > 0:53:43And...
0:53:43 > 0:53:45I don't deserve her.
0:53:45 > 0:53:48But, you know, that doesn't mean that we can't share the cash
0:53:48 > 0:53:49from the Guernsey scheme.
0:53:49 > 0:53:51You know, we'll split it three ways you, me,
0:53:51 > 0:53:53Fran, you know?
0:53:53 > 0:53:55We just blame the whole thing on Sophie, you know?
0:53:55 > 0:53:57- Mental Sophie. - HE CHUCKLES
0:53:57 > 0:54:00She's been doing all this, right, because she's got it stuck
0:54:00 > 0:54:02into her silly little female head
0:54:02 > 0:54:05that we might actually get back together at some point.
0:54:05 > 0:54:06But there's no way.
0:54:06 > 0:54:08I mean, honestly, buddy...
0:54:08 > 0:54:11Buddy, I wouldn't touch her with yours, you know? So...
0:54:11 > 0:54:12JOHNNERS LAUGHS
0:54:15 > 0:54:17Ian?
0:54:21 > 0:54:23Buddy?
0:54:23 > 0:54:25Oh, fuck!
0:54:25 > 0:54:28Oh... Oh, my God.
0:54:28 > 0:54:30Ow, you little pervert!
0:54:30 > 0:54:31Come on!
0:54:31 > 0:54:33Ian!
0:54:33 > 0:54:34Oh, God!
0:54:36 > 0:54:38Oh, God!
0:54:39 > 0:54:41All right, if this is what it takes...
0:54:44 > 0:54:46Sophie!
0:54:46 > 0:54:48My God!
0:54:48 > 0:54:50Oh, my God! Well, thank God you're here!
0:54:51 > 0:54:53I thought I said I never wanted to see you again.
0:54:59 > 0:55:01Ian, buddy...
0:55:06 > 0:55:08We were just talking about you.
0:55:11 > 0:55:12Sophie?
0:55:19 > 0:55:20What's that?
0:55:27 > 0:55:29Sophie?
0:55:29 > 0:55:30Is that a mincer?
0:55:30 > 0:55:32No way!
0:55:32 > 0:55:35Seriously, Sophie, you can't do this!
0:55:35 > 0:55:39If you kill me, no-one gets the money! That's how it works.
0:55:39 > 0:55:41- Is it?- Of course!
0:55:41 > 0:55:44We paid Wendy to set it up that way. He made sure of it.
0:55:44 > 0:55:46Come on... Sophie?
0:55:46 > 0:55:49- MOTOR STARTS - Oh, no! No!
0:55:49 > 0:55:51- HE SCREAMS - No!
0:55:51 > 0:55:53No! God! No, no, no, no, no!
0:55:53 > 0:55:56No! No, no, no, no!
0:55:56 > 0:55:58IAN SCREAMS IN PAIN
0:56:04 > 0:56:05MUSIC PLAYS QUIETLY
0:56:05 > 0:56:07MUSIC: I'm Still Standing by Elton John
0:56:20 > 0:56:21SIREN WAILS
0:56:36 > 0:56:38LOW POLICE RADIO CHATTER
0:56:53 > 0:56:55RINGING TONE
0:56:57 > 0:57:00- FRAN:- Hey, baby, how did it go? Oh, was my brother OK?
0:57:00 > 0:57:02He survived.
0:57:02 > 0:57:04He didn't try any of his god-awful jokes, did he?
0:57:04 > 0:57:05- Ugh! - SHE LAUGHS
0:57:05 > 0:57:07Fran, it's me.
0:57:07 > 0:57:09Ian?
0:57:09 > 0:57:11Well, what's going on? Where's Angus?
0:57:11 > 0:57:13Oh, just tell me he's still in one piece!
0:57:13 > 0:57:14SHE CHUCKLES
0:57:14 > 0:57:16Ian, come on, put him on.
0:57:16 > 0:57:19Fran, I need you to listen to me very carefully, OK?
0:57:19 > 0:57:20- OK! - SHE LAUGHS
0:57:27 > 0:57:29Ian?
0:57:31 > 0:57:32Ian!
0:57:32 > 0:57:34You remember that guy I told you about at work,
0:57:34 > 0:57:36Tony Wallace, Deputy Head of Maths?
0:57:36 > 0:57:39Yeah, I remember him, but what's that got to do with anything?
0:57:39 > 0:57:41Well, he's loyal.
0:57:41 > 0:57:43Washes his hair, pays all his taxes.
0:57:46 > 0:57:47Ian, what are you on about?
0:57:47 > 0:57:48I'm coming home, Fran.
0:57:50 > 0:57:52School tomorrow.
0:57:53 > 0:57:55I'm testing Year 9 on...
0:57:55 > 0:57:58mountains and rivers.
0:57:59 > 0:58:00Ian?
0:58:02 > 0:58:03Ian!
0:58:09 > 0:58:13IAN SINGS: I'm still standing, yeah, yeah, yeah...
0:58:14 > 0:58:18I'm still standing, yeah, yeah, yeah...
0:58:19 > 0:58:21I'm still standing...