0:00:33 > 0:00:39Oh, hello. Won't be long, nearly finished. Looks nice, doesn't it?
0:00:39 > 0:00:42Oh, it's a veritable fairyland(!)
0:00:42 > 0:00:46I was transported to another world for a minute.
0:00:46 > 0:00:51I can hardly contain my gasps of wonder and amazement -
0:00:51 > 0:00:53Ooooh!
0:00:53 > 0:00:54Aaah!
0:00:54 > 0:00:56Aahahah!
0:00:56 > 0:01:02I recall the splendour of Versailles during the reign of the Sun King(!)
0:01:02 > 0:01:05Are you taking the Arthur Bliss?
0:01:05 > 0:01:08No, no, no. Really, it is quite magnificent.
0:01:08 > 0:01:13I... It's like Disneyland, a scene from Cinderella.
0:01:13 > 0:01:20I closes my eyes, I see the little fairy come through the window, leaving a trail of stardust.
0:01:20 > 0:01:25# When you wished upon a star
0:01:25 > 0:01:29# Makes no difference who you are, aa...
0:01:29 > 0:01:33# ..aahaha aahaha aahahaa... #
0:01:33 > 0:01:35Geddit all down.
0:01:35 > 0:01:38- What's wrong with it? - Tat! That's what - tat!
0:01:38 > 0:01:42You've put up the same rubbish since I was five.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45The whole thing is pathetic.
0:01:45 > 0:01:50If I left it to YOU, we... we wouldn't have any decorations.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53No point decorating this rathole.
0:01:53 > 0:01:57Like trying to grow daffodils on the dungheap outside!
0:01:57 > 0:02:02One cannot disguise this sordidness with a few coloured strips of paper.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05Well, it's only once a year...
0:02:05 > 0:02:08The rest of the year you never touch the place.
0:02:08 > 0:02:12Takes a bleedin' excavation to find the floor!
0:02:12 > 0:02:16But at Christmas, out comes your little hammer - bang, bang!
0:02:16 > 0:02:19# Heigh ho, off to work we go... #
0:02:19 > 0:02:21Oh, sod yer then!
0:02:33 > 0:02:34Down!
0:02:35 > 0:02:37Down!
0:02:37 > 0:02:40Down, down, down!
0:02:40 > 0:02:41You!
0:02:44 > 0:02:46Ah-ah-ah!
0:02:48 > 0:02:50LOUD POPS
0:02:50 > 0:02:51Aaaargh!
0:02:55 > 0:02:59- Well, is that better? Does that suit you?- Yep.
0:02:59 > 0:03:03Good, cos that's me finished. That's my Christmas over.
0:03:03 > 0:03:10No more! Cook your own dinner, crack your own nuts, pull your own crackers!
0:03:10 > 0:03:13You're not getting any more from me!
0:03:13 > 0:03:14Good night!
0:03:16 > 0:03:19You're on your own, enjoy yourself!
0:03:19 > 0:03:20I will...
0:03:20 > 0:03:22cos I won't be here.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25What did you say?
0:03:25 > 0:03:29- I said I won't be here. - Why? Where are you going?
0:03:29 > 0:03:34I haven't quite made up my mind, but as long as it's not this place.
0:03:34 > 0:03:35Oh, Harold.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37You do this every year!
0:03:37 > 0:03:43I know, and every year you prevail, and I spend Christmas in this hole.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46Well, NOT this year. I'm going...anywhere!
0:03:46 > 0:03:49We always have a good time.
0:03:49 > 0:03:53- We don't. - Well, you can watch the telly.
0:03:53 > 0:04:00I don't want to. I watch the telly every Christmas, every day for three solid days!
0:04:00 > 0:04:02Ow! Aargh!
0:04:03 > 0:04:06Watching telly's the same as eating and drinking -
0:04:06 > 0:04:10one does it cos one is bored... with Christmas.
0:04:10 > 0:04:14All you get on telly is Christmas stuffed down your cakehole!
0:04:14 > 0:04:18They all do something special.
0:04:18 > 0:04:22There'll be Z-Cars with holly stuck in their helmets...
0:04:22 > 0:04:25investigating a special Christmas crime -
0:04:25 > 0:04:30someone found up an alley, battered to death with a Christmas pudding!
0:04:30 > 0:04:36It'll be Christmas Cilla, Christmas Lulu and a Christmas Muggeridge.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39And Cliff Richard'll be singing "Ave Maria"
0:04:39 > 0:04:42with the Younger Generation, done up in habits...
0:04:42 > 0:04:45..split to the crutch of course!
0:04:45 > 0:04:46Yeeuurch!
0:04:46 > 0:04:51Christmas Coronation Street will be a party at the Rover's Return.
0:04:51 > 0:04:56Albert Tatlock tries to have it away with Minnie Caldwell in the cellar!
0:04:56 > 0:05:00Not any more! I'm not going through that!
0:05:00 > 0:05:02Well, I enjoy it.
0:05:03 > 0:05:10I like telly, all them stars giving up their Christmas to entertain us.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13They don't give up their Christmas.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16All them programmes is recorded in October!
0:05:17 > 0:05:23At Christmas, they're away sunning themselves in the South of France.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26And we're sat here, freezing, watching 'em.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28Oh, you're so simple.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31Don't like going away at Christmas.
0:05:31 > 0:05:35- You'll have to stay here. - I don't like being alone.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38Come with me then. You won't talk me out of it.
0:05:38 > 0:05:43Have your heart attacks - "Aargh!". It won't make no difference.
0:05:43 > 0:05:44"Aargh!
0:05:44 > 0:05:46"I'm going..."
0:05:46 > 0:05:49I don't think I'd enjoy it, Harold.
0:05:49 > 0:05:53You never know till you try it. Go on, give it a go!
0:05:53 > 0:05:57Do something different for once in your life...go mad!
0:05:57 > 0:06:00Can we afford to go away?
0:06:00 > 0:06:02Of course. I've been totting it up.
0:06:02 > 0:06:06We've got £3 in the bank, £7 in the building society...
0:06:06 > 0:06:11..and we have got seventy nine pounds eighty in the swear box!
0:06:11 > 0:06:14COINS RATTLE
0:06:15 > 0:06:17You're NOT 'aving that, it's mine!
0:06:17 > 0:06:23- No, it's not. YOU did the swearing, but- I- had to listen - it's mine.
0:06:23 > 0:06:27It's not a savings bank, it's a penalty - 10p per swear.
0:06:27 > 0:06:31If you think you're going away with my bleedin' £79.80,
0:06:31 > 0:06:35- you've got another think coming! - What £79.80?
0:06:35 > 0:06:36MY bleedin...
0:06:37 > 0:06:39Ah!
0:06:39 > 0:06:41 That's two bleedings at 10p per time.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44COINS RATTLE
0:06:44 > 0:06:46I make it a round eighty quid!
0:06:46 > 0:06:48BELL PINGS
0:06:48 > 0:06:50Thank you, woof woof, thank you.
0:06:50 > 0:06:55Plus a "sod you then", when you pulled the decorations down.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57Another 10p, please.
0:06:57 > 0:06:58Nnyeeah.
0:06:58 > 0:07:03Yeah! There should be enough here for a nice Christmas package for two.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05You rotten little...
0:07:05 > 0:07:08Yeah, yeah, go on! Morefortheswearbox.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11Heh heh! Any more? No?
0:07:11 > 0:07:12Right.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15Aah.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Sit, sit. Good girl.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19Aah, yes!
0:07:19 > 0:07:22The world is our oyster.
0:07:22 > 0:07:26- I don't like oysters. - Shutup!Now, let's see.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28Oh. Here, where do you fancy?
0:07:28 > 0:07:33Do you want to spend your Christmas eating turkey in the Canaries?
0:07:33 > 0:07:37Perhaps you'd like to eat canaries in Turkey!
0:07:37 > 0:07:44The whole world to choose from, it's all there - poundstretchers to Paradise.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46Where do you fancy?
0:07:46 > 0:07:47Bognor.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50Bognor.
0:07:50 > 0:07:56Let's see. No, I don't think British Airways still runs a jumbo jet service to Bognor!
0:07:56 > 0:07:59If I can't stay here, it's Bognor!
0:07:59 > 0:08:04Mrs Boxwood's boarding house, right on the front, lovely rooms -
0:08:04 > 0:08:07bathroom on every landing.
0:08:07 > 0:08:12- How'd you know? You was only there two weeks.- Smashin' it was.
0:08:12 > 0:08:16And her grub! Cor, she don't 'alf give you a plateful!
0:08:16 > 0:08:20She gives you a MOUTHFUL if you're late!
0:08:20 > 0:08:25What's wrong with half past ten? What can you do after half past ten?
0:08:25 > 0:08:28Exactly! In this country, nothing!
0:08:28 > 0:08:33I wanna go abroad, get a bit of the old currant bun on me bones.
0:08:33 > 0:08:38- There's currant bun in Bognor. - Not in December! Brrr.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41No, I want proper sun - all day long.
0:08:41 > 0:08:48I don't want to spend Christmas dragging myself along the seafront, in a gale, holding onto the railings!
0:08:48 > 0:08:49Well, what then?
0:08:49 > 0:08:53We'll look at these. There's lots to choose from.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56Here, how do you fancy...Acapulco?
0:08:56 > 0:08:59Nobody's sticking no needles in me!
0:08:59 > 0:09:01AC-A-PUL-CO!
0:09:01 > 0:09:04You are the stupidest little...mmm...
0:09:05 > 0:09:07..I've ever met in my life!
0:09:08 > 0:09:11Acapulco is in Mexico.
0:09:11 > 0:09:16Oh, it's swinging there, Dad. That's where Frank Sinatra goes.
0:09:16 > 0:09:21- Oh, those bronzed, lithe bodies... in their bikinis...- Eeurgh.
0:09:21 > 0:09:28Laying out on the swimming pool, on your lilo, having your drinks floated out to you...
0:09:28 > 0:09:32I bet a quart of brown ale wouldn't float very far.
0:09:32 > 0:09:39I'm talking about Acapulco. You ain't gonna get brown ale floating about on THEIR swimming pools.
0:09:39 > 0:09:40Tequila!
0:09:40 > 0:09:42That's the drink down there.
0:09:42 > 0:09:47Salt round the edge of the glass, and a twist of lemon over the side.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49Yeeeuurrgh!
0:09:49 > 0:09:51Lemon and salt!
0:09:51 > 0:09:56You'd shrink me mouth. I wouldn't be able to get me teeth back in!
0:09:56 > 0:09:57Oh!
0:09:57 > 0:09:59You're so plebeian!
0:09:59 > 0:10:02That's a swearword.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04No, it's not.
0:10:04 > 0:10:08It means a member of the lower order of society - class five.
0:10:08 > 0:10:12What the... do you think you are then?
0:10:12 > 0:10:16If I've got decent clobber on, I'm quite classless.
0:10:16 > 0:10:22I mean - providing I don't open my mouth - I could pass for anybody.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25So, we can give Acapulco the elbow?
0:10:25 > 0:10:28Yeah. It's too much money, anyway.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30Kenya. Oh, that's nice.
0:10:30 > 0:10:34We can go on safari - big game hunting.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37I can do that up in me bed.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40Please.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43You're not being very helpful, are you?
0:10:43 > 0:10:47You're so full of big ideas, aren't you?
0:10:47 > 0:10:49Kenya! Acupuncturo!
0:10:49 > 0:10:51I don't know where you get 'em.
0:10:51 > 0:10:56I never went to them places. Hop-picking was as far as I got.
0:10:56 > 0:11:01I had to work. I worked harder on me holidays than I did here.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04Me fingers were green for a fortnight after!
0:11:04 > 0:11:09Yeah? Well I want my bum brown for a fortnight when I get home.
0:11:09 > 0:11:15But...I...I..admit that Acapulco and Kenya may be a trifle ambitious.
0:11:15 > 0:11:16 Phew...!
0:11:16 > 0:11:21We could certainly go anywhere in Europe. How about France?
0:11:21 > 0:11:24Four days, 40 quid! We can manage that.
0:11:24 > 0:11:25No.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28I spent Christmas in France, twice -
0:11:28 > 0:11:32during the First World War. Horrible place.
0:11:32 > 0:11:33Full of holes and mud.
0:11:33 > 0:11:38Not now it ain't! It's not like that all the time.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41After you lot finished, they filled 'em in.
0:11:41 > 0:11:47I don't want to go there. It'd bring back too many bad memories.
0:11:47 > 0:11:52I don't mean northern France, I mean the Riviera or the Alps. Oh...
0:11:52 > 0:11:54Christmas in the snow.
0:11:54 > 0:12:00Ah, those little ski villages nestling against the mountainside.
0:12:00 > 0:12:04The clean air, the blue skies, the sun...
0:12:04 > 0:12:06- The broken legs...- The broken...
0:12:07 > 0:12:10No fear! We're not going skiing.
0:12:10 > 0:12:15We're going for parties and apres-ski. You've heard about that?
0:12:16 > 0:12:23Hot drinks in front of a log fire. Chatting up birds from all over Europe -
0:12:23 > 0:12:25"Je t'aime",
0:12:25 > 0:12:27"Entschuldigen Sie",
0:12:27 > 0:12:29 "Osso bucco"...
0:12:32 > 0:12:39I'll wear that red sweater. I'll pretend to be a ski instructor, and I've pulled me hamstring...
0:12:39 > 0:12:42It's the only thing you will pull!
0:12:42 > 0:12:46What's gonna happen to me while all this is going on?
0:12:46 > 0:12:50We'll find you someone - a rich old boot from Bavaria!
0:12:50 > 0:12:58All the old men, slaving away in the car factories, bung the old women up in the mountains. You'll be quids in.
0:12:58 > 0:13:02Oooh! We can pretend that you are an English lord.
0:13:02 > 0:13:09POSH ACCENT: You've gorn up there to purchase a chateau to avoid wealth tax.
0:13:09 > 0:13:14"Woof woof." Down,boy! It's not a tax collector, just a Swiss peasant.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18You live in a dream world, you do.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21Well, it's better than this place.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26Dad, we'll be the centre of interest.
0:13:26 > 0:13:30When they find out we're English we will be!
0:13:30 > 0:13:34They'll be waiting to see what tour-firm has collapsed.
0:13:34 > 0:13:38It's a joke to be British abroad these days.
0:13:38 > 0:13:43No. Let's go to Bognor, we'll be all right there - we're all they've got!
0:13:43 > 0:13:46We're NOT going to Bognor!
0:13:46 > 0:13:48We don't have to be British.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51We can be...Australian.
0:13:51 > 0:13:55You can do an Australian accent - it's easy.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58"Hello there, Sheila. You little beaut.
0:13:58 > 0:14:04"Just shootin' through Europe before I get back to the old sheep station."
0:14:04 > 0:14:07"Woof woof!" Shut your face...
0:14:07 > 0:14:14"D'ya fancy getting your hands on a lager. I've got a case of Fosters up in the bedroom, know what I mean."
0:14:14 > 0:14:16Waw! They'll never tumble!
0:14:16 > 0:14:22If you think I'm gonna talk like that, you're mistaken. I'm British and proud of it.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25Well, there must be somewhere we're welcome.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28Holland! They likes us.
0:14:28 > 0:14:32You can't ski there, you'd never get the speed up!
0:14:32 > 0:14:35Flat as a witch's tit, it is there.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37Ah-ha!
0:14:37 > 0:14:40But they go skating on their canals.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43We can skate on OUR canal out there.
0:14:43 > 0:14:48You can't rely on it! When was the last time the canal froze over?
0:14:48 > 0:14:54It's not the same. In Amsterdam you don't have to jump over old mattresses and bike frames!
0:14:54 > 0:14:58I am NOT pretending to be an It... an Australian.
0:14:58 > 0:15:05Scottish then - all that oil coming ashore under your heather-clad land.
0:15:05 > 0:15:09- I can't do a Scottish accent. - Aw, do what ya bleedin' like then!
0:15:11 > 0:15:14BELL PINGS I don't know why I bother.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16Neither do I.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19Let's stay here.
0:15:19 > 0:15:20No!
0:15:20 > 0:15:27All these lovely places to choose from. There must be somewhere what you fancy...
0:15:27 > 0:15:28The Black Sea.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31Eeuurgh!
0:15:31 > 0:15:33Don't be so daft!
0:15:33 > 0:15:36It's not really black.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39It might be though, if you go swimming in it!
0:15:39 > 0:15:43- I hear it's very nice there. - Where is it?- In Russia.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46In the Crimea. Here you are...
0:15:46 > 0:15:50Four days at the Workers' Palace Hotel, 43 quid.
0:15:50 > 0:15:55- I daren't go back to Russia. - Get out of here, you've never been!
0:15:55 > 0:15:57- I have!- When?- 1919.
0:15:57 > 0:16:01Don't tell me you was Isadora Duncan's dancing partner?!
0:16:01 > 0:16:04NO!
0:16:04 > 0:16:06A secret agent!
0:16:06 > 0:16:11003 and a half! The Mighty Midget! The smallest spy in the West...
0:16:11 > 0:16:16..sent out there to photograph the secret Russian junkyard (!)
0:16:16 > 0:16:19They couldn't catch him - the Scarlet Pimple!
0:16:19 > 0:16:23They seek him here, they seek him there,
0:16:23 > 0:16:26 Joe Stalin seeks him everywhere.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28Oooooooh.
0:16:28 > 0:16:32Untraceable in the snowy wastes...aooooh...
0:16:32 > 0:16:37..because his head never come above his footprints(!)
0:16:37 > 0:16:41I've bin there, in a British expeditionary force to Archangel.
0:16:41 > 0:16:48I was helping put down the Bol-SHAVE-iks - fighting for me country!
0:16:48 > 0:16:51Fighting against the WORKERS.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54You're a traitor to your class.
0:16:54 > 0:16:55I'm not a worker!
0:16:55 > 0:16:57That's true.
0:16:58 > 0:17:05I daren't go back there. If they found out I fought them, they'd put me up against a wall and shoot me!
0:17:05 > 0:17:08I'll go and book the ticket.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11I'm NOT going behind the iron curtain!
0:17:11 > 0:17:17I'm not giving no money to no Communists so they take us all over.
0:17:17 > 0:17:23Oh yeah! Your £43 is gonna buy quite a few ballistic missiles (!)
0:17:23 > 0:17:25Every little helps.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27I am NOT going!
0:17:30 > 0:17:32HE SIGHS
0:17:36 > 0:17:38Sweden and Denmark!
0:17:38 > 0:17:42- Eeuuugh! - Oh, you'd like Denmark.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45They have live sex shows out there.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49- Get away!- Oh, they do.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52You mean they actually...?
0:17:52 > 0:17:54..On the stage?!
0:17:54 > 0:17:56Everybody lookin'?
0:17:58 > 0:18:01Not over Christmas, surely?
0:18:01 > 0:18:03Of course they do!
0:18:03 > 0:18:06 It's their equivalent of pantomime.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11They do the same stories as us.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13They do Cinderella...
0:18:13 > 0:18:15spelled with an S.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17Buttons isn't in it.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20It takes too long to undo (!)
0:18:20 > 0:18:23Jack and the Beanstalk.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28Puss In KINKY Boots!
0:18:28 > 0:18:29HE GIGGLES
0:18:29 > 0:18:32You're having me on.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35Oh dear! Where do you want to go?
0:18:35 > 0:18:42I'm not going anywhere dirty - not over Christmas. I want somewhere clean, wholesome and respectable.
0:18:43 > 0:18:47How about four days in a launderette in Cheltenham?
0:18:47 > 0:18:50Honestly! You make me laugh, you do!
0:18:50 > 0:18:57People falling over themselves to get away! All these places to choose from. You're so XENOPHOBIC!
0:18:57 > 0:19:00I AM NOT! I just don't like foreigners!
0:19:01 > 0:19:05- Where do you wanna go then? - I don't mind.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08- Belgium?- No!
0:19:08 > 0:19:14You can't have nothin' against them. They never done no harm to anybody!
0:19:14 > 0:19:19- Brussels.- No!- Why? If you say you don't like sprouts, I'll kill you!
0:19:21 > 0:19:23I can't go to Brussels.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26The police are still looking for me.
0:19:26 > 0:19:27Since when?
0:19:27 > 0:19:291918.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32They'll still be looking for you?
0:19:32 > 0:19:35Oh yes. They'll never forgive me.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37The army had to smuggle me out.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40I'm persona non grata.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44I know this is silly.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47- What did you do?- Well...
0:19:47 > 0:19:52..you know that statue there of the little boy having a Jimmy riddle?
0:19:53 > 0:19:56- The Maneken Pis.- Yeah, that's him.
0:19:56 > 0:20:00Well, it's a tradition that all regiments out there
0:20:00 > 0:20:03present him with a suit of clothes.
0:20:03 > 0:20:07Well, our regiment had a big parade in front of the statue.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10There was our commanding officer,
0:20:10 > 0:20:14the King of Belgium, and the Lord Mayor of Brussels.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18Go on. What did you do?
0:20:18 > 0:20:24- It was only a joke...- Ha ha, what did you do?- I didn't mean anything.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26WHAT did you DO?!
0:20:26 > 0:20:30I turned on the little boy's water pressure full -
0:20:30 > 0:20:32knocked the mayor's hat off.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35No, I can't go back there.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40Where do you wanna go?
0:20:40 > 0:20:42- I don't mind.- Oh, for GOD'S SAKE!
0:20:42 > 0:20:46I'm gonna choose. Ccome if you wanna, or stay here!
0:20:46 > 0:20:50I'm gonna have these brochures out all over the table.
0:20:50 > 0:20:54I closes my eyes and I choose one at random...
0:20:54 > 0:20:57IN TOMMY COOPER VOICE: ..just like that!
0:20:57 > 0:21:04Switzerland? Got anything against that? And don't tell me the International Red Cross is after you.
0:21:04 > 0:21:08No, I can go there, that's all right
0:21:08 > 0:21:12- That's settled then?- Yeah. - Christmas in Switzerland?
0:21:12 > 0:21:13Yeah.
0:21:13 > 0:21:18Thank gawd! It's taken as long to decide as it will to get there!
0:21:18 > 0:21:22Eh? What do you mean? We're not flying?!
0:21:22 > 0:21:24No, we're swimming (!)
0:21:24 > 0:21:26Of course we're flying.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29Oh no, Harold. I can't fly. I'm too old.
0:21:29 > 0:21:33You don't have to pilot, you just sit there!
0:21:33 > 0:21:36You can say what you like. I'm NOT flying!
0:21:36 > 0:21:38OK, we'll go by train and boat.
0:21:38 > 0:21:42Not by boat in this weather, I'll be sick.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44No, let's go to Bognor?
0:21:44 > 0:21:47I'M NOT going to Bognor!
0:21:47 > 0:21:54I'm going to Switzerland by night ferry. You don't even know you're at sea cos you're on the train asleep!
0:21:54 > 0:21:56The train goes on the boat?!
0:21:56 > 0:21:58Of course it does!
0:21:58 > 0:22:03- It'll be too heavy, it'll sink! - No, it won't sink!
0:22:03 > 0:22:06You will be lying...on your bunk...
0:22:06 > 0:22:09..on the train...on the boat.. spark out.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11How can you be sure?
0:22:11 > 0:22:16Cos I'm absolutely certain that before the train reaches Dover,
0:22:16 > 0:22:19 I'll 'ave belted you one!
0:22:19 > 0:22:21Christmas in Switzerland?
0:22:21 > 0:22:23- Right?- Right.- Night ferry?
0:22:23 > 0:22:26...I s'pose so.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28Good.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32Phew! Right...now.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34 Er...where's your passport?
0:22:34 > 0:22:36Haven't got one.
0:22:37 > 0:22:42Why have we been sitting here talking about going abroad then?
0:22:42 > 0:22:46I 'aven't. You 'ave. I want to go to Bognor.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49WE'RE NOT GOING TO BOGNOR!
0:22:50 > 0:22:55Oh, we'll have to get you an emergency passport.
0:22:55 > 0:22:59Now, I shall need a photograph and your birth certificate.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01Where's your birth certificate?
0:23:01 > 0:23:03With my medals.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05Where's your medals?
0:23:05 > 0:23:08- With me marriage certificate. - Where's that?
0:23:08 > 0:23:11- With me insurance policy. - Where's your insurance policy?
0:23:11 > 0:23:13I've lost it.
0:23:13 > 0:23:17I'm gonna bop you one before we even get to Victoria!
0:23:17 > 0:23:19Where did you last see it?
0:23:19 > 0:23:22Under the goldfish bowl.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28When?
0:23:28 > 0:23:301939.
0:23:30 > 0:23:34Then, when the Blitz started, I put it somewhere safe.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37Did you hear that, Charlie? He put it somewhere safe.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40Have you seen it, Charlie?
0:23:40 > 0:23:42Somewhere safe...in 'ere.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45That's very reasonable(!)
0:23:45 > 0:23:46Where?
0:23:46 > 0:23:50- "I can't remember..." - ..can't remember.
0:23:50 > 0:23:55Naturally. It won't be up in the attic, that's not safe, even today!
0:23:55 > 0:23:57We ain't got a cellar.
0:23:57 > 0:24:02Wait a minute. Where did we used to go during the bombing in the Blitz.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05- Down the pub.- No...
0:24:05 > 0:24:10No, no. YOU used to go down the pub. Where did you use to put me?
0:24:10 > 0:24:14- Under the stairs. - That's it, under the stairs.
0:24:14 > 0:24:20Every night, alone. That's another thing I've never forgiven you for.
0:24:20 > 0:24:24Safest place. You always saw the stairs left standing!
0:24:24 > 0:24:29Exactly! I suggest that's the first place we look.
0:24:38 > 0:24:44SHOUTS FURIOUSLY You could clean this place up occasionally...
0:24:44 > 0:24:48INDISTINCT INSULTS
0:24:48 > 0:24:52..it's like Rimmington Place in there!
0:24:57 > 0:24:59Go on.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01Get in there.
0:25:01 > 0:25:02It's dark, Harold.
0:25:02 > 0:25:06Yeah...It was during the war as well.
0:25:08 > 0:25:09Come on!
0:25:09 > 0:25:11In you go.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14I don't wanna, we don't know what's in there.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16Exactly.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18It might be treasures untold.
0:25:18 > 0:25:22'Ere! Think of yourself as a new Lord Cardigan -
0:25:22 > 0:25:25opening the tomb of Tutankhamen.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27- Go on, get in!- No, I don't want to.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30- GET IN!- I don't wanna.- GET IN!
0:25:30 > 0:25:32- Get away, get away! - TINNY BANGING
0:25:32 > 0:25:34What is it?!
0:25:34 > 0:25:36There might be mice in there.
0:25:36 > 0:25:40What do you want - a whip? Go on, get in!
0:25:40 > 0:25:42Arrrgh!
0:25:42 > 0:25:48- Be careful of of those spitting vipers, Carruthers.- Oh, get stuffed!
0:25:48 > 0:25:52Have you broken through to the inner tomb yet?
0:25:52 > 0:25:55Oh! Beyond my wildest dreams(!)
0:25:57 > 0:26:01Thank God, the tomb robbers didn't get there before us(!)
0:26:01 > 0:26:04Oh! I don't believe it...
0:26:04 > 0:26:06..it's the King's leg(!)
0:26:06 > 0:26:11Find the rest of him and we'll display him at the British Museum.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13Hello, hello, hello.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15What have we here?
0:26:15 > 0:26:17A-ha!
0:26:17 > 0:26:19Hieroglyphics...
0:26:21 > 0:26:25"Ministry of Food ration book."
0:26:25 > 0:26:28What strange annotations -
0:26:28 > 0:26:32eggs, meat, points. What can it mean?
0:26:32 > 0:26:36If only we had the Rosetta Stone - we could interpret.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38It must be religious.
0:26:38 > 0:26:42I'll crack this code, Carruthers!
0:26:42 > 0:26:44Oh! My number 9 bus!
0:26:44 > 0:26:46Aah!
0:26:46 > 0:26:50I used to play with this for hours in there.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52Vrooom, ding ding, ding ding.
0:26:52 > 0:26:56I always wanted to be a conductor, ha ha!
0:26:56 > 0:27:00"No standing on top. Move along the car, please.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02"One two three four five. You OFF!
0:27:02 > 0:27:07"There'll be another one along in a minute. Ding ding!
0:27:07 > 0:27:08"Last bus for the depot."
0:27:08 > 0:27:13- Ha ha!- What are you doin' out there, you stupid great kid?
0:27:13 > 0:27:15Nuffin'. I was just...
0:27:15 > 0:27:18- You found them yet?- No.
0:27:18 > 0:27:20Go on, get back in there!
0:27:20 > 0:27:25They're not here. Let's forget it, Harold. Let's go to Bognor.
0:27:25 > 0:27:28We're NOT going there! Get in, and find them!
0:27:28 > 0:27:30I've found 'em!
0:27:30 > 0:27:32All right. You can come out then.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36They're in 'ere.
0:27:45 > 0:27:47"Harold Steptoe.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50"Six and seven eighths."
0:28:04 > 0:28:07Couldn't afford the rest of the uniform.
0:28:11 > 0:28:12I know.
0:28:21 > 0:28:26Scrubs Lane Elementary School.
0:28:26 > 0:28:29"Accipe
0:28:29 > 0:28:30"locum
0:28:30 > 0:28:32"gratis."
0:28:34 > 0:28:37"Know thy place and be grateful."
0:28:41 > 0:28:43What a con trick!
0:28:43 > 0:28:44Right.
0:28:45 > 0:28:47Phew!
0:28:48 > 0:28:53- Wireless Receiving Licence, 1938... - It's out of date.
0:28:53 > 0:28:59Never mind, it's the most up-to-date one we've got.
0:28:59 > 0:29:02Skinners Arms Christmas Club,
0:29:02 > 0:29:04January 1936...
0:29:04 > 0:29:08Sixpence a week - drawn out February.
0:29:08 > 0:29:11That must have been a good Christmas!
0:29:14 > 0:29:18Ah, the birth certificate. All the sordid details.
0:29:18 > 0:29:24- Give us that, that's mine, nothing to do...- 'ello, 'ello. What is he trying to hide?
0:29:24 > 0:29:27"26th of September...
0:29:27 > 0:29:29"1899?"
0:29:29 > 0:29:33So that's it. That's what the mood's about.
0:29:33 > 0:29:39You're older than you said you was. You told me you were 72 and you lied about your age to get in the army.
0:29:39 > 0:29:44- Yeah! Give us it 'ere.- Wait. "Where born - 23, Old Drum Lane." Yeah.
0:29:44 > 0:29:48"Name - Albert Ladysmith Steptoe." Yeah, that's right.
0:29:48 > 0:29:50"Boy..." Never!
0:29:50 > 0:29:57You, a boy?! I can't even imagine you as a baby. Bet you've looked like that since birth!
0:29:57 > 0:30:02"Mother's name - Victoria Alexandra Steptoe." What a nice name...
0:30:02 > 0:30:05- Give it 'ere... - "Occupation - domestic servant."
0:30:05 > 0:30:08- 'Ere...- "Father..."
0:30:08 > 0:30:10I don't believe it!
0:30:11 > 0:30:12"..Unknown!"
0:30:21 > 0:30:25Unknown... hee hee hee...
0:30:25 > 0:30:27Well, now you know.
0:30:27 > 0:30:30Yeah, but YOU don't!
0:30:33 > 0:30:36My father is a....ooh...
0:30:37 > 0:30:40..I'll owe it one!
0:30:48 > 0:30:50My father IS a...
0:30:54 > 0:30:56Why didn't you tell me before?
0:30:56 > 0:31:00- Why...- Couldn't you trust me? I'm your son.
0:31:00 > 0:31:04Did you think I'd run away from home? Why didn't you tell me?
0:31:04 > 0:31:10Why should I tell you? Why should I tell anyone? Wasn't my fault, nobody asked me!
0:31:10 > 0:31:13Yeah, but the lies and the pretence!
0:31:13 > 0:31:18You told me your father started this firm - Steptoe and Son.
0:31:18 > 0:31:20It WAS Steptoe and Son.
0:31:20 > 0:31:23You never said it was MRS Steptoe and Son!
0:31:23 > 0:31:25I feel strangely let down.
0:31:26 > 0:31:28And another thing...
0:31:28 > 0:31:30That's my granny, your mother.
0:31:30 > 0:31:35Who's that? Who have I been calling Grandad all these years?
0:31:37 > 0:31:39Come on! Who is it?!
0:31:39 > 0:31:42- Well, if you must know...- YES!
0:31:42 > 0:31:45..i..it's Gladstone.
0:31:49 > 0:31:52That's just typical, isn't it?! Gladstone!
0:31:52 > 0:31:54I had to put up someone.
0:31:54 > 0:31:57It shows what a bighead you are!
0:31:57 > 0:32:02You couldn't put up any old dogsbody. Oh no, it has to be a prime minister!
0:32:02 > 0:32:04Like me putting up Winston Churchill.
0:32:04 > 0:32:07- Well, you didn't have to, did you?
0:32:07 > 0:32:09You've got a father.
0:32:09 > 0:32:11I'd rather haveWinstonChurchill.
0:32:11 > 0:32:15I've had blood,sweatandtears foryears.
0:32:15 > 0:32:18Whydidn'tyoutellmebefore?
0:32:18 > 0:32:22Not the kind of thing you'd shout about - not in them days.
0:32:22 > 0:32:27It was a disgrace to be born out of wedlock. Not like today!
0:32:27 > 0:32:32All these actresses having dixie lids all over and boasting about it!
0:32:32 > 0:32:36To be born a child of love in 1899 was a stigma.
0:32:36 > 0:32:38How funny...
0:32:38 > 0:32:42I never thought of you as a child of love.
0:32:45 > 0:32:47You...you...
0:32:47 > 0:32:51you... haven't got the face for it.
0:32:51 > 0:32:55Surely your mother must've known who your father was?
0:32:55 > 0:32:58I don't know, she never let on.
0:32:58 > 0:33:03She used to say "Daddy's gone to meet the angels."
0:33:04 > 0:33:06Wonder who he was...
0:33:06 > 0:33:08..your father.
0:33:08 > 0:33:11Where did she work?
0:33:11 > 0:33:15Belgrave Square. Lord and Lady...somebody or other.
0:33:15 > 0:33:17I bet it was 'im!
0:33:17 > 0:33:19You could be the son of a Lord!
0:33:19 > 0:33:21 No, it's possible.
0:33:21 > 0:33:26The aristocracy were always doing that - putting domestics up the duff!
0:33:26 > 0:33:30No, it was. It was part of the perks in them days.
0:33:30 > 0:33:33That's why she got her money, to keep her quiet.
0:33:33 > 0:33:38Let's have a look at you. Yeah, yes - it's possible.
0:33:38 > 0:33:42Aristocratic conk. 'Ere, that's a good chin -
0:33:42 > 0:33:44when you've got yer teeth in.
0:33:44 > 0:33:46Ah, there's breeding in there.
0:33:46 > 0:33:48It's possible.
0:33:49 > 0:33:52I could be the grandson of a lord.
0:33:52 > 0:33:57Hey, we could be related to Royalty...or something.
0:33:57 > 0:33:59Hey, it's possible.
0:33:59 > 0:34:02Nah, I don't think so, Harold.
0:34:02 > 0:34:06It sounds nice, but I don't think so.
0:34:06 > 0:34:07How do you know?
0:34:07 > 0:34:09Well, I don't.
0:34:09 > 0:34:12But, I remember when I was 10 year old...
0:34:12 > 0:34:16...Mum didn't half cry when the muffin man died.
0:34:20 > 0:34:22Muffin man?!
0:34:22 > 0:34:30They'd go round with their trays, and when it rained they'd go into somebody's kitchen for a cup of tea.
0:34:30 > 0:34:33To stop their muffins getting wet?!
0:34:33 > 0:34:36That's right. I think it was the muffin man.
0:34:38 > 0:34:40Yeah, I s'pose you're right.
0:34:40 > 0:34:45Now I think of it, your head is a bit flat on the top.
0:34:45 > 0:34:47Occupational genetics.
0:34:47 > 0:34:51Oh well, there's another bubble pricked.
0:34:51 > 0:34:55I don't think it'll stop you getting a passport.
0:34:55 > 0:34:58No, no. They let anybody go abroad these days.
0:34:58 > 0:35:04I'm looking forward to it. Now it's come out, it's a weight off me mind.
0:35:04 > 0:35:09We might get to know each other a bit better, if we've no secrets.
0:35:09 > 0:35:14We're going to have a good time, aren't we, Harold?
0:35:14 > 0:35:17Yeah, yeah...of course we are.
0:35:17 > 0:35:19Tell you what, you sit there.
0:35:19 > 0:35:23I'll take your photo for the passport.
0:35:26 > 0:35:31Right, sit there, just head and shoulders, it won't hurt.
0:35:31 > 0:35:32Right, 'ere we go.
0:35:32 > 0:35:34Oh yes, yes.
0:35:34 > 0:35:37Just hold there, that's perfect.
0:35:37 > 0:35:43Move a bit further in... take the cigar out...eeeh!
0:35:44 > 0:35:46I'm so sorry.
0:35:48 > 0:35:50And again. Now SIT still.
0:35:50 > 0:35:52Do you want me teeth in or out?
0:35:52 > 0:35:57Leave 'em in, or you'll frighten the man to death when he opens it.
0:35:57 > 0:36:00Oh, gawd, look...
0:36:00 > 0:36:04This is a passport picture, not a fan photo!
0:36:04 > 0:36:07 Just give us your normal blank expression.
0:36:07 > 0:36:11Right, hold it... SHUTTER CLICKS
0:36:11 > 0:36:13Lovely.
0:36:13 > 0:36:15Right, hmm...
0:36:15 > 0:36:17# My old man's a dum-dum
0:36:17 > 0:36:20# Fought in the Battle of Mons
0:36:20 > 0:36:24# He killed 10,000 Germans with only 15 bombs
0:36:24 > 0:36:29# Some lay here, some lay there, some lay round the corner
0:36:29 > 0:36:31# And one poor soul with a bullet up his... #
0:36:31 > 0:36:34It's all right, relax.
0:36:34 > 0:36:37Relax! Now it's all over.
0:36:38 > 0:36:39Here you are.
0:36:39 > 0:36:42Look at that.
0:36:42 > 0:36:47That's what happens when a muffin man has a bit of crumpet!
0:36:49 > 0:36:52I think I'll take one of the skeleton,
0:36:52 > 0:36:55they'll never know the difference.
0:37:12 > 0:37:16Come on, Harold! Look at the time. We should have left earlier.
0:37:16 > 0:37:18It'll be OK. Don't worry.
0:37:18 > 0:37:22- You've time. British national? - British?!
0:37:22 > 0:37:28Listen, mate - The last time I was on this station I had a rifle, on me way to Mons.
0:37:28 > 0:37:33- Fifteen I was, I lied about me age...- Oh gawd, Dad....
0:37:33 > 0:37:36I see, sir. Passport, please.
0:37:36 > 0:37:41It's brand new. It says without let or hindrance and that includes you!
0:37:41 > 0:37:43Have a good Christmas, sir.
0:37:43 > 0:37:47I will! I'm going to Switzerland, mate.
0:37:47 > 0:37:52Blue skies, snow, sun. Better than this poxy weather you'll be getting!
0:37:53 > 0:37:55I hope you enjoy yourself.
0:37:55 > 0:37:57I will, don't you worry.
0:37:57 > 0:38:02- British national?- Yeah. - Passport,please.- Come ON, Harold!
0:38:12 > 0:38:16This passport, sir. It's a year out of date.
0:38:18 > 0:38:21No, it can't be.
0:38:21 > 0:38:26Date of expiry - October the 23rd 1973.
0:38:26 > 0:38:27Show us.
0:38:29 > 0:38:31NO!
0:38:31 > 0:38:34- Come on, Harold!! - My passport's out of date!
0:38:34 > 0:38:39You dozy great pillock! Bung 'im a quid.
0:38:41 > 0:38:43It's through worrying about you!
0:38:43 > 0:38:45Don't blame me, it's not my fault!
0:38:45 > 0:38:47Go on, sir. You'll miss the train.
0:38:47 > 0:38:51Oh yeah... See you after Christmas, Harold.
0:38:51 > 0:38:54Aah..I shouldn't go if I were you, sir.
0:38:54 > 0:38:57- You can't go without me!- Sir.
0:38:57 > 0:39:02There's no food in the house. No point in wasting two tickets.
0:39:02 > 0:39:04It's only four days.
0:39:04 > 0:39:05You selfish little...
0:39:06 > 0:39:09..your birth certificate was right!
0:39:09 > 0:39:12I must be off. See you when I get back.
0:39:12 > 0:39:18You'll be OK. They'll feed you down at the pub. Put it on the slate.
0:39:22 > 0:39:25Merry Christmas, sir.
0:40:36 > 0:40:38It worked! It worked!
0:40:38 > 0:40:40He's gone!
0:40:41 > 0:40:43We're on our own at last.
0:40:49 > 0:40:51Bognor, here we come!
0:41:34 > 0:41:38Subtitles by Fiona Crockatt - BBC 1995 -