0:00:25 > 0:00:34- COCKNEY ACCENT: - We 'aven't decided on one bleedin' room, not even the bog!
0:00:34 > 0:00:39- COCKNEY ACCENT: - I'm entitled to me opinion!
0:00:39 > 0:00:42No, you ain't! You got no taste!
0:00:42 > 0:00:48Everything 'as to harmonise. You can't just bung anything up.
0:00:48 > 0:00:55- I like the way it is.- I don't. When was this place last decorated? - After the War.- Exactly!
0:00:55 > 0:00:581918 !
0:00:58 > 0:01:07- It's 'ad NOTHING on it since! - That wallpaper's as good as the day your mother put it up!- It's filthy!
0:01:07 > 0:01:13It's depressing. A house like this should be light and gay.
0:01:13 > 0:01:20I like chocolate paint. Dark green and chocolate don't show the dirt.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23Paint yourself in it, then!
0:01:24 > 0:01:29Try to use your imagination. Try to visualise it.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32All right? Here we go...
0:01:32 > 0:01:37Wedgwood blue on the ceiling, Etruscan red for the woodwork.
0:01:37 > 0:01:41This wallpaper for the walls...
0:01:41 > 0:01:48and this carpet 'ere on the floor. How's that?
0:01:48 > 0:01:54Bleedin' awful ! It'll look like a Peruvian brothel !
0:01:54 > 0:02:00I give up! There's no point in me goin' on!
0:02:00 > 0:02:07Look 'ere! There "Homes and Gardens". That's the self-same colour scheme.
0:02:07 > 0:02:12They've got the same wallpaper and carpet. It's delightful.
0:02:12 > 0:02:18- That's Blenheim Palace!- Well ? It don't make no difference. It'll look just the same in 'ere.
0:02:18 > 0:02:23You've got to be bold, Dad. Don't be afraid to experiment.
0:02:23 > 0:02:27How much is that paper there?
0:02:27 > 0:02:33- £9 a roll.- NINE POUNDS !? Your mother did the whole place for that.
0:02:33 > 0:02:40- Things have gone up a bit since (!) - Well, THAT'S not going up! Waste of money!
0:02:40 > 0:02:50We've got 500 gallons of Army camouflage paint out there. Why don't we bung that up?
0:02:50 > 0:02:56If we're going to get dive-bombed any minute, I see your point (!)
0:02:58 > 0:03:01Come on, hurry up, choose something!
0:03:01 > 0:03:04- How many books 'ave you got?- Seven.
0:03:04 > 0:03:11There you are! Bung all the bits up. Should be lairy enough for you.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14I'll sew all the carpet bits together.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19You would, wouldn't ya!?
0:03:19 > 0:03:25Certainly. I don't mind it looking rotten when it costs nothing.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28It won't look rotten! Here...
0:03:28 > 0:03:31Here, I like that hairy paper.
0:03:31 > 0:03:37- That is not hairy paper, that is flock!- Nice, isn't it?
0:03:37 > 0:03:45- It's quite elegant, albeit a trifle ostentatious. Where would you put it?- In the khazi.
0:03:47 > 0:03:52Flock in the khazi!? We're 'aving something washable out there!
0:03:52 > 0:03:56- I- don't write on the wall!- You do!
0:03:56 > 0:03:59You sit there doing your crossword!
0:03:59 > 0:04:02It's covered in anagrams and worse.
0:04:02 > 0:04:07Some of the graffiti is disgusting. It's positively Pompeiian!
0:04:07 > 0:04:12I can't reach that high! That's the customers!
0:04:12 > 0:04:16That should be for staff only.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19We're not 'aving flock in the bog!
0:04:19 > 0:04:22We're not 'aving Wedgwood blue!
0:04:23 > 0:04:29- I see. That is your final word, is it?- Yeah!
0:04:30 > 0:04:32Hmm.
0:04:32 > 0:04:40- Hmm! We seem to have reached our usual impasse, don't we? - If you like.
0:04:41 > 0:04:47You don't give a toss what colour we 'ave!
0:04:48 > 0:04:56- You just want to go against me! Whatever I want, you DON'T ! - I'm entitled to me opinion.
0:04:56 > 0:05:02But it's EVERYTHING ! Every idea I 'ave for improvements!
0:05:02 > 0:05:07Improvements to the 'ouse or the business, you're agin it!
0:05:07 > 0:05:12You frustrate me in everything I try to do!
0:05:12 > 0:05:15You're a fascist, reactionary,
0:05:15 > 0:05:20squalid little "know your place" "don't rise above yourself"
0:05:20 > 0:05:23complacent little turd!
0:05:24 > 0:05:27- Who do you...- I haven't finished!
0:05:27 > 0:05:36Morally, spiritually and physically you are a festering, fly-blown heap of accumulated filth!
0:05:36 > 0:05:40What do you want for yer tea?
0:05:40 > 0:05:42I don't want any tea!
0:05:42 > 0:05:48- You enjoy living in squalor, don't you?- No, I don't!- You do!
0:05:48 > 0:05:55- Look at this room! When was it last cleaned? - Yesterday.- Liar!
0:05:56 > 0:05:59- What's that?- It's only dust.
0:05:59 > 0:06:04That's not dust, that's bleeding topsoil !
0:06:04 > 0:06:08We need a plough, not a vacuum cleaner!
0:06:10 > 0:06:12And this...
0:06:20 > 0:06:24- What is THAT...?- Coffee dregs.
0:06:24 > 0:06:31Coffee dregs!? It's got more hairs on it than the flock wallpaper! That's pure penicillin!
0:06:32 > 0:06:38And look at this lot! This hasn't been cleaned out since Mafeking!
0:06:39 > 0:06:43"Mr Chamberlain returns from Munich."
0:06:45 > 0:06:50"I'm giving up my throne for the woman I love."
0:06:50 > 0:06:55"Wellington Koo meets President Roosevelt."
0:06:56 > 0:07:01Ooh! "Princess Margaret joins the Brownies."
0:07:01 > 0:07:10I remember this. "Mussolini invades Albania. King Zog flees."
0:07:10 > 0:07:12We've got king-SIZE fleas!
0:07:14 > 0:07:22This is a pig-sty! Filth! Filth! Filth! And it smells, too.
0:07:22 > 0:07:28- I can't smell anything.- No wonder! You smell worse than the house!
0:07:28 > 0:07:36I open the door and there it is! You smell worse than a pair of zoo-keeper's boots!
0:07:36 > 0:07:41I'm not putting up with it! This stuff has got to be cleared!
0:07:41 > 0:07:44This stuff's been here for years!
0:07:46 > 0:07:49Ration books!
0:07:49 > 0:07:51Gas masks!
0:07:56 > 0:07:59A packet of dried egg!
0:08:00 > 0:08:05And what goodies have we got in 'ere, Ali Baba?
0:08:13 > 0:08:19- What are these!- Gor blimey, I wondered where they went! They're me old teeth.
0:08:19 > 0:08:23I lost them in 1941.
0:08:23 > 0:08:28They flew out when that land-mine landed down the road.
0:08:28 > 0:08:33That's a bit of luck. They're the best teeth I ever had.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40Me-me gums have shrunk!!
0:08:48 > 0:08:56That is the...awrgh...! That is the most revolting thing I've ever seen!
0:08:57 > 0:09:00I'm finished...!
0:09:04 > 0:09:08I-I'm not putting up with this filth any longer.
0:09:08 > 0:09:16Unless something is done about it, I shall be forced to make alternative arrangements.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19Do what you like!
0:09:19 > 0:09:26- Our paths have grown too diverse for any possible reconciliation. - As you like.
0:09:26 > 0:09:36Your very presence tends to impinge upon my aesthetic moments and my little bits of relaxation.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39In other words, I get on yer tits!
0:09:42 > 0:09:45Crude but apposite.
0:09:46 > 0:09:54Therefore, there is only one course of action open... one of us will have to go.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57- All right...?- Right.
0:09:57 > 0:10:01- Right!- Right.- No hard feelings?
0:10:01 > 0:10:06- No, I'll be glad to be rid of you. - Right... What!? I'M not going!
0:10:06 > 0:10:10- I'm not!- I can't afford to go!
0:10:10 > 0:10:12Then you'll just have to stay here.
0:10:12 > 0:10:20- I want to live on my own! I want some privacy and I'll HAVE it! - How (?)
0:10:20 > 0:10:29- If you won't go, there's only one thing we can do.- What...? - Apartheid separate development.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31< DOOR CLOSES
0:10:31 > 0:10:36"Apartheid"...? What the bleeding 'ell's apartheid?
0:10:56 > 0:11:01- Bloody silly idea!- If you don't like it, you know what to do.
0:11:01 > 0:11:09- You're just bringing down the value of the property. - I should have done this years ago.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11MIND OUT !
0:11:12 > 0:11:18There! Look at that, eh! Perfect, I tell ya, perfect.
0:11:18 > 0:11:24There! Partition is complete. The border has been sealed.
0:11:24 > 0:11:30It's a wonder you haven't got armed guards and searchlights (!)
0:11:31 > 0:11:36What are you doing here? I don't recall inviting you in to my house.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39You is "persona non gratia."
0:11:39 > 0:11:42Please retire to your own rathole!
0:11:43 > 0:11:46Not bringing it up to the ceiling?
0:11:46 > 0:11:51Unfortunately, that's not practical, as the only window's on your side.
0:11:51 > 0:11:59But I shall have it double-glazed, thus keeping the light in and you OUT.
0:11:59 > 0:12:07Two self-contained flats, affording complete privacy... except for no-man's-land.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10- Where's that?- Here...
0:12:13 > 0:12:15Voila!
0:12:15 > 0:12:18Checkpoint Charlie!
0:12:19 > 0:12:27It's the only way I could think of of giving me access to the stairs and you access to the kitchen.
0:12:27 > 0:12:32- Apart from business, our paths need never cross again.- Suits me!
0:12:32 > 0:12:39Now, if you would retire to your own quarters... I want to be alone.
0:12:42 > 0:12:48- It's locked!- You put a penny in it. - A penny to get to the kitchen!!?
0:12:48 > 0:12:52I have to pay to get upstairs.
0:12:52 > 0:12:57I'll want to go to the kitchen more times than you go to bed!
0:12:57 > 0:13:02It'll cost me tuppence a time! Penny to get in, penny to get out!
0:13:02 > 0:13:07- Why not get a non-paying one!? - That's the only one we've got!
0:13:07 > 0:13:12I got that when they pulled down the ladies' bog at the dog track.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15- It's mine!- It's a business asset!
0:13:15 > 0:13:21We'll put up a blackboard. When we come through, we mark it with chalk.
0:13:21 > 0:13:26At the end of the year, we share it out "pro rata".
0:13:26 > 0:13:32It's better than that Christmas Club. You 'ave that out by Easter.
0:13:32 > 0:13:37- You'll rub mine off!- I won't! - Then you'll add some to your score!
0:13:37 > 0:13:41What a petty little criminal mind!
0:13:43 > 0:13:48You can have the lot! I just want to get rid of ya, that's all !
0:13:48 > 0:13:53Go on, go 'ome! It's getting late. Go on.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56I want a drink of water.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04- That's one for me!- Yes (!)
0:14:04 > 0:14:06Goodnight.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16I'm free...!
0:14:17 > 0:14:20I'm on me own at last!
0:14:22 > 0:14:26Complete privacy for the first time in my life...!
0:14:26 > 0:14:30Oh, the peace, the quiet!
0:14:37 > 0:14:39< DOOR SLAMS
0:14:55 > 0:14:59I'm lonely. Want a game of cards?
0:14:59 > 0:15:05No! And don't peer over the wall at me like bleeding Chad!
0:15:07 > 0:15:10I'll put frosted glass in there!
0:15:35 > 0:15:37Goodnight, Dad.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40Frzzzrrpp!
0:15:50 > 0:15:55- Good morning.- Morning. - A lovely morning!- Very nice.
0:17:04 > 0:17:08- Go! Top left.- Bottom right.
0:17:17 > 0:17:22- Hoi! I'm filling my kettle! - Wot's your bleeding game!?
0:17:28 > 0:17:31You rotten swine!!
0:18:14 > 0:18:19- Give me my cruets back! - They're not yours!- I bought them!
0:18:19 > 0:18:28- I gave you half the money!- LENT me! - Well, until I get it back they're as much mine as yours!
0:18:28 > 0:18:30You can 'ave the salt.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33..That's no good!
0:18:33 > 0:18:38- You can't split up a pair! - You split US up!
0:18:38 > 0:18:45- You're not worth anything. You're not Georgian. Give us my pepper back!- No!
0:18:45 > 0:18:47Take that.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54Thanks (!) That is ideal (!)
0:18:56 > 0:19:02- They're a perfect match (!)- Give us 75 quid and you can have it back.
0:19:03 > 0:19:08I spent all my money on the partition!
0:19:08 > 0:19:13Soon as I can afford me own stuff I'm gonna nail that up!
0:19:13 > 0:19:18- Can't hear a word you're saying! - I SAID... Oh, get out of it!
0:19:26 > 0:19:29Let's see what's on...
0:19:29 > 0:19:32"The British Empire"...
0:19:34 > 0:19:39Oh! At last it's got through to them dim-heads at the BBC !
0:19:40 > 0:19:43A cultural oasis in a desert.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04Yes?
0:20:04 > 0:20:07Who is it?
0:20:10 > 0:20:14- Next door (!)- Oh...
0:20:14 > 0:20:20- Yeah?- Would you turn the TV on? - What programme?- BBC 2.- 'Ang on.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26BBC 2...
0:20:26 > 0:20:31Royal Festival Hall. Margot Fontin and...
0:20:31 > 0:20:34N...Nu...Nury...
0:20:34 > 0:20:37in "Less Sifleeds."
0:20:37 > 0:20:39Dirty devils!
0:20:42 > 0:20:45I hope they dance close together!
0:20:45 > 0:20:48BALLET MUSIC ON TV
0:20:48 > 0:20:54'Arold! Her drawers 'ave just dropped off!
0:20:56 > 0:20:58You liar!
0:21:01 > 0:21:04I can't watch this all night.
0:21:04 > 0:21:09ITV... "Blood of the Ripper"! That's more like it.
0:21:09 > 0:21:13BLOODCURLING SCREAM ON TV
0:21:21 > 0:21:26- I'm trying to watch television! - That's not BBC 2 !- I know it's not.
0:21:26 > 0:21:33- I wanted to see Margaret Fontana and Rudolf Nuryev!- Well,- I- don't!
0:21:33 > 0:21:39We agreed that Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays should be my nights
0:21:39 > 0:21:46while Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays would be your choice, with each having alternate Sundays.
0:21:46 > 0:21:52- That's right.- Today is Wednesday. I want BBC 2 on.- I don't!
0:21:53 > 0:22:01You're being very unfair. We had an agreement. I've got the law of contract on my side.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05I've got the KNOBS on my side.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09OWW !! Let go! You're hurting me!
0:22:09 > 0:22:12- Will you put BBC 2 on?- No!
0:22:12 > 0:22:16ARGHH ! You're stranngglling me!
0:22:17 > 0:22:20Put the ballet back on!
0:22:20 > 0:22:23All right, all right! Let go!
0:22:23 > 0:22:26I'm not putting it back on!
0:22:27 > 0:22:33- I'll get you!!- 'Arold, you know ballet drives me round the twist.
0:22:33 > 0:22:41We'll compromise. We'll have BBC 1 tonight and then you can have an extra go tomorrow.
0:22:41 > 0:22:46- No!... What's on BBC 1 ? - Football European Cup.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49That's not bad. All right, BBC 1.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55SWITCHES OVER TO FOOTBALL
0:22:59 > 0:23:02- Was that a goal ?- No, he saved it.
0:23:02 > 0:23:04Oh, Gawd!
0:23:04 > 0:23:08Keep down this end! Down 'ere!
0:23:08 > 0:23:11THIS end... Come on!
0:23:12 > 0:23:15This end...! Man up your back!
0:23:22 > 0:23:25- Get off!- You've got more screen!
0:23:25 > 0:23:31- I ain't!- It's a 21-inch screen. I'm entitled to 10 and a half inches!
0:23:31 > 0:23:36- I've only got 9 inches! - Take the bleeding lot...!
0:24:02 > 0:24:05You rotten cow, son!
0:24:07 > 0:24:12Normal service will be resumed tomorrow. We are going to bed.
0:24:12 > 0:24:18Goodnight from us all at the 3-pin BBC plug. Goodnight.
0:24:20 > 0:24:24HUMS NATIONAL ANTHEM
0:24:38 > 0:24:40- Look!- Where...?
0:24:49 > 0:24:51Come back! You don't want to go!
0:24:51 > 0:24:57- Yes, I do!- No, you don't! - I was first. You'll have to wait.
0:25:09 > 0:25:13ARGHHH ! You rotten little toerag!
0:25:40 > 0:25:44MANIACAL LAUGHTER
0:26:03 > 0:26:06- Goodnight, Father.- Cobblers!
0:26:06 > 0:26:12- And the same to you.- Cobblers! - They make a jolly fine stew (!)
0:26:25 > 0:26:29SIRENS BLARING
0:26:35 > 0:26:38COUGHING AND WHEEZING
0:26:41 > 0:26:47Oh, Gawd, I'm dying! It's all your fault!
0:26:47 > 0:26:50Those bloody silly partitions!
0:26:50 > 0:26:57Even the bleeding firemen had to put pennies in the turnstile to get at us!
0:27:02 > 0:27:10They...they come through the wrong door. They should have come through your door.
0:27:10 > 0:27:17Oh, they knew that (!) They're used to houses with turnstiles in the passage (!)
0:27:18 > 0:27:26Just because you wanted to get rid of me! Look where it's got us!
0:27:26 > 0:27:32Yeah... In the same ward! Together!
0:27:32 > 0:27:35You'll have to put up with it!
0:27:35 > 0:27:38WHEEZING...
0:27:38 > 0:27:44'Arold, give us a drop of your orange juice.
0:27:45 > 0:27:47Hurry up!
0:27:52 > 0:27:57YARGGHHH ! NURSE !! NURSE !!
0:27:57 > 0:28:03He's poured orange juice all over me! NURSE !! NURSE !!
0:28:33 > 0:28:38Subtitles by Chas Donaldson BBC Scotland 1988