0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:09 > 0:00:11I've managed to...it's really ebbing away.
0:00:11 > 0:00:14I mean, you've made me, you've made me realise what slender
0:00:14 > 0:00:16threads the whole thing is based on. And I...
0:00:16 > 0:00:19Well, look, that's in the nature of weaving magic out of thin air...
0:00:19 > 0:00:22- Well...- and it's also in the nature of indulging
0:00:22 > 0:00:24in some sort of elitist prank.
0:00:24 > 0:00:25A charlatan, really.
0:00:29 > 0:00:34Today's young people are exposed to pornographic imagery everywhere.
0:00:34 > 0:00:36In advertising.
0:00:36 > 0:00:37In fashion.
0:00:37 > 0:00:39In music.
0:00:39 > 0:00:40And above all, in pornography.
0:00:45 > 0:00:46Where it is extremely prevalent.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50The first naked woman I ever saw
0:00:50 > 0:00:53was a centrefold from Knave magazine stuck to the inside
0:00:53 > 0:00:55of the cupboard in my dad's flat
0:00:55 > 0:00:56where he kept his non-perishable goods.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02To this day, I still get an involuntary erection
0:01:02 > 0:01:04whenever I see a packet of Paxo.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08Try explaining that to your mother-in-law on Christmas Day.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14It's a good joke, that, but it's not like something I would do, really.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19It's like a cheeky boy...it's like a Lee Mack joke, innit?
0:01:21 > 0:01:23Like the cheeky boy next door.
0:01:23 > 0:01:27I like Lee Mack, but I can't do those cheeky-boy-next-door things.
0:01:27 > 0:01:30I'm not the cheeky boy next door, am I?
0:01:30 > 0:01:32I'm a...
0:01:32 > 0:01:34"cultural bully from the Oxbridge mafia..."
0:01:37 > 0:01:39"..who wants to appear
0:01:39 > 0:01:42"morally superior but couldn't cut the mustard on a panel game."
0:01:48 > 0:01:51Or so I infer from Lee Mack's autobiography.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01Cultural bully, honestly.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04And anyway, you don't cut mustard, you spread it.
0:02:09 > 0:02:10Idiot.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16Now, the thing I remember most...
0:02:16 > 0:02:19What have I ever done to him? Nothing?
0:02:19 > 0:02:23The thing I remember...no, really.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26The thing I remember most about this Knave centrespread
0:02:26 > 0:02:31is even though she was naked and in bed, she had her socks on.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34Which when I was eight or nine years old seemed ridiculous to me,
0:02:34 > 0:02:35to be in bed with socks on.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38Of course, now that I'm 45, it seems entirely normal.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40I mean, I've been married for ten years,
0:02:40 > 0:02:43I can't remember the last time I took my socks off in bed.
0:02:44 > 0:02:45Or my pants, to be honest.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49In fact, my wife, she said,
0:02:49 > 0:02:51"Do you have to wear the same pair
0:02:51 > 0:02:53"of old dirty pants to bed every night?"
0:02:53 > 0:02:56I said, "I don't have to, love, but it will just make more washing."
0:02:57 > 0:02:59I know, that's not like me either, is it?
0:02:59 > 0:03:00That's like a...
0:03:00 > 0:03:02You're thinking "Oh, that's a bit sexist."
0:03:02 > 0:03:05"He's made more washing for his wife, who obviously does all
0:03:05 > 0:03:08"the washing in their relationship."
0:03:08 > 0:03:10But that's not the case, that's your assumption.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12My wife doesn't do all the washing in our relationship.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14We have a little Filipino who comes in and does it.
0:03:17 > 0:03:18And you know what?
0:03:18 > 0:03:20He's very good.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22Yes!
0:03:22 > 0:03:25If Adolf Hitler came round today, you'd send a limousine anyway.
0:03:25 > 0:03:26That's who you are.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30That's your assumption.
0:03:30 > 0:03:31Our slave is a man.
0:03:34 > 0:03:38But a charlatan is at least something. It's not nothing, is it?
0:03:38 > 0:03:40- He has skills.- Exactly.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42The skill of deception.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45Yeah. You're persuading people that they've had a good time.
0:03:45 > 0:03:46When, measurably, they haven't.
0:03:46 > 0:03:47Yeah.
0:03:47 > 0:03:51And they don't know that, even if you tell them.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53In fact, you spend the act telling them
0:03:53 > 0:03:55sometimes that they are not having a good time.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57- Yeah. - They do, they will not accept it.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01No...I mean...well, I don't...
0:04:01 > 0:04:02It's like being the devil.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05Yeah. I don't want them to be operating
0:04:05 > 0:04:07under any illusions, you know?
0:04:09 > 0:04:10I don't think they are.
0:04:10 > 0:04:14No. Well, they won't be after they've seen all this.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17To try and spice things up, I've taken to wearing an old pair
0:04:17 > 0:04:19of Primark jogging bottoms to bed.
0:04:19 > 0:04:20And my wife...
0:04:26 > 0:04:30..my wife told me that it makes me look like a Scottish heroin addict.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34I tell you, any more knockbacks like this
0:04:34 > 0:04:35and I'm giving up making the effort.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40It's just another example of how pornography has unreasonably
0:04:40 > 0:04:41raised people's expectations.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47I've got nothing against pornography in of itself.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49As long as there's no bad language involved
0:04:49 > 0:04:54and any soft furnishings in shot are reasonably tasteful.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57But I do hate the internet, because it has made access
0:04:57 > 0:05:00to pornography far too easy for young people.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03It's far too easy, I think, for young people to
0:05:03 > 0:05:05stumble across pornography today.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07Because it was hard to see pornography in the 1970s.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10Today's young people, all they have to do is temporarily rouse
0:05:10 > 0:05:15themselves from their skunk-induced zombie coma and go on the internet,
0:05:15 > 0:05:18and go, "Err, is that what it looks like? Err...Boring!"
0:05:20 > 0:05:24I think the internet has utterly disconnected today's young people
0:05:24 > 0:05:26from their imagination, from their environment.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29It wasn't like that, was it, when we were young.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31You'd be out and about, you'd be in the fields,
0:05:31 > 0:05:33playing with a stick and a hoop.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37Climbing up trees, getting frogspawn out of nests.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43Kids today, they're on the internet all the time,
0:05:43 > 0:05:47looking at internet pornography and goading each other to self harm.
0:05:49 > 0:05:53Illegally downloading hard-working stand-up comedians' live DVDs.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58It's not just young people either, is it, doing that.
0:05:59 > 0:06:00If you've done that at home,
0:06:00 > 0:06:04if you've stolen one of my live DVDs off the internet, that is
0:06:04 > 0:06:08the same as just stealing food out of my kids' mouths.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10Not exactly that, but it is...
0:06:10 > 0:06:12it does delay the point at which we've got enough money
0:06:12 > 0:06:15to move into the catchment area of a selective grammar.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24How are my kids supposed to grow up to be campaigners for social
0:06:24 > 0:06:27justice without the benefit of educational privilege?
0:06:29 > 0:06:31LIMITED APPLAUSE
0:06:31 > 0:06:32Hear that?
0:06:32 > 0:06:35That's the sound of the middle classes applauding their own guilt.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40But they're not absolved.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43Only God can forgive.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47You're sounding like you've got yourself into a bit of a mess.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49Well...I don't think so, I think...
0:06:49 > 0:06:52- Well, no, you wouldn't. - Well, no, I don't, I think...
0:06:52 > 0:06:53That's consistent...
0:06:53 > 0:06:56No, I don't, I think I want to see us
0:06:56 > 0:06:58going backwards, technologically.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01You sound like a mad old Pope, you sound like a Pope who's
0:07:01 > 0:07:02threatened that somehow
0:07:02 > 0:07:05the distribution of knowledge will corrupt.
0:07:05 > 0:07:06You sound like a corrupt baron.
0:07:06 > 0:07:10- I'm not against... - Well, you sound like you're worried about people nicking your money.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13Yeah, I am worried about them nicking my money. For my stuff, that I've made.
0:07:13 > 0:07:18Yeah, but you're looking at it as a sort of a threat
0:07:18 > 0:07:21that isn't necessarily manifest.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23It works in two ways.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26It's like people genuinely worrying about too many people
0:07:26 > 0:07:28out there having ideas.
0:07:29 > 0:07:33Well, you've made me sound like a reactionary figure
0:07:33 > 0:07:35for simply wanting a communication tool destroyed.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37And I don't think that's fair.
0:07:38 > 0:07:42I hate the internet though, I hate everything about the internet.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44I hate, I hate Alta Vista and Myspace.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49I hate Jeeves, hate everything about it.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52Most of all I hate Twitter, and I'll tell you why.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54Because if I was to have a mental breakdown
0:07:54 > 0:07:57and forget everything that ever happened to me, it wouldn't matter.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59Because I could just go on Twitter
0:07:59 > 0:08:01and put my name into the search engine
0:08:01 > 0:08:04and I could gradually piece together everything that ever happened to me
0:08:04 > 0:08:08because every 90 minutes one of you feels obliged to go online
0:08:08 > 0:08:11and do a live update of exactly where I am and what I'm doing.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15"8.30am. Can't believe it.
0:08:15 > 0:08:20"I've just seen Stewart Lee taking his son to school on the 407 bus."
0:08:20 > 0:08:22"He looked depressed."
0:08:25 > 0:08:27"10am, can't believe it."
0:08:27 > 0:08:32"I'm sitting next to Stewart Lee in the Clocktower Cafe, Highbury."
0:08:32 > 0:08:34"He's eating a muffin. He looks fat."
0:08:40 > 0:08:41"Can't believe it,
0:08:41 > 0:08:44"I've just seen...11.30...I've just seen Stewart Lee
0:08:44 > 0:08:49"walking around Dalston Junction eating a falafel in the street."
0:08:49 > 0:08:53"He looked fat and depressed, and fat as well"
0:08:56 > 0:08:59I hate Twitter, it's like a state surveillance agency
0:08:59 > 0:09:01staffed by gullible volunteers.
0:09:05 > 0:09:10It's a Stasi for the Angry Birds generation.
0:09:10 > 0:09:14And that's you, you're the Angry Birds generation.
0:09:14 > 0:09:19Imagine the shame of being the Angry Birds generation.
0:09:19 > 0:09:20Means nothing.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24I hate the internet, can't bear it.
0:09:24 > 0:09:25Kids where I live,
0:09:25 > 0:09:30they get sent home from school with a book about how to be safe online.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33It's produced and given away free by Vodafone, presumably
0:09:33 > 0:09:37paid for with all the money they save from massive tax avoidance.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42It tells you how to avoid online predators
0:09:42 > 0:09:44and how to avoid online paedophiles.
0:09:44 > 0:09:48It doesn't tell kids how to avoid online marketing campaigns,
0:09:48 > 0:09:51as obviously that would strike at the very heart
0:09:51 > 0:09:53of the public-private partnership.
0:09:54 > 0:09:59It's called Digital Parenting, this book, Digital Parenting.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01Thank God for that.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04If there's one thing I can't stand it's analogue parenting.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08The tears, the mucus, the vomit.
0:10:09 > 0:10:14The endless declarations of love and the duty of care.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17The sheer fucking interminable human joy of it.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25And the cover of Vodafone's Digital Parenting
0:10:25 > 0:10:27is a picture of three lovely-looking little kids,
0:10:27 > 0:10:29about eight years old, all sat in a line on a sofa,
0:10:29 > 0:10:33where they're all absorbed by handheld devices and computers and
0:10:33 > 0:10:37screens, and they're not interacting in any meaningful human way.
0:10:37 > 0:10:42And all through Digital Parenting are all these disguised advertorials
0:10:42 > 0:10:46about "edu-taining" software that you absolutely need to buy.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48Vodafone's Digital Parenting.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51It's like the fox's guide to chicken security.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57I'd like to see... I'd like to see the internet,
0:10:57 > 0:11:01I'd like to see them get it and blow it up with a big bomb.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03The internet.
0:11:03 > 0:11:07What about the dissemination of information against those
0:11:07 > 0:11:13in power who operate in some way, dark or corrupt practice?
0:11:16 > 0:11:20Well, if that's at the expense of the fact that you look on one
0:11:20 > 0:11:23underwear site to try and find your wife a present,
0:11:23 > 0:11:28and you spend the rest of the year being bombarded with pop-ups
0:11:28 > 0:11:32for underwear retailers, I think it's a small price to pay.
0:11:32 > 0:11:33Get rid of it all.
0:11:33 > 0:11:38So you'd rather avoid the pain of being bombarded with a few
0:11:38 > 0:11:40- underwear adverts... - Yeah.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43Than help bring down a corrupt government?
0:11:43 > 0:11:45Well, it's not just me being bombarded with unwanted
0:11:45 > 0:11:48underwear adverts, it's probably hundreds of people.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51Well, that's very big of you, hundreds of people worldwide...
0:11:51 > 0:11:53Collectively, it's a mass inconvenience.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57- Seems a bit selfish.- Well...
0:12:02 > 0:12:03You...
0:12:03 > 0:12:06It's very easy to use words
0:12:06 > 0:12:09and logic to make someone look like they're selfish, simply
0:12:09 > 0:12:14because they've expressed a position that could be interpreted as that.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16- That's what Julian Assange says. - Yeah, I bet.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18But the internet has absolutely disconnected
0:12:18 > 0:12:22today's young people from their imagination and their environment
0:12:22 > 0:12:25and this isn't just some mad theory, I've got cast-iron proof of this.
0:12:25 > 0:12:30Every year since 1987, I have driven up and down the A1,
0:12:30 > 0:12:33through Northumberland on the way to the Edinburgh Festival.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35And in Northumberland, on the A1, on the coast,
0:12:35 > 0:12:39there's a little town called Shilbottle
0:12:39 > 0:12:42S-H-I-L-B-O-T-T-L-E. Shilbottle.
0:12:42 > 0:12:47And there are ten signs for Shilbottle on the A1
0:12:47 > 0:12:49and in the 1980s, in the 1990s,
0:12:49 > 0:12:54local young people had gone out and they'd used their creative
0:12:54 > 0:12:57imagination, and they'd engaged with their environment
0:12:57 > 0:13:01in an imaginative way, to, with a single flick of a marker pen,
0:13:01 > 0:13:05to change every one of those ten Shilbottle signs
0:13:05 > 0:13:09on the A1 so that they said Shitbottle.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13Shitbottle - 4 miles.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17Shitbottle - 3 miles.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21Shitbottle - 2 miles.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24Shitbottle - 1 mile.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28You are now entering Shitbottle.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32Welcome to Shitbottle.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36Shitbottle, Northumberland.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39Twinned with Bouteille De Merde, France.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50And Scheisse Flasche, Germany.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56You probably think it's immature, but I used to find it very funny.
0:13:56 > 0:14:00I'd be driving up there, I'd drive passed the first Shitbottle sign, I'd think "That's funny".
0:14:00 > 0:14:03The second Shitbottle sign, I'd be really laughing.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05The third Shitbottle sign, I'd be in hysterics.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10By the fourth Shitbottle sign, I was take it or leave it.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13The fifth Shitbottle sign was irritating me.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16The sixth Shitbottle sign, I was infuriated by the audacity
0:14:16 > 0:14:19of the people continuing with this idea.
0:14:21 > 0:14:25The seventh Shitbottle sign, I started to find it funny again.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28The eighth Shitbottle sign, I was really laughing.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31The ninth Shitbottle sign, I was in hysterics.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33By the tenth Shitbottle sign, I used to have to
0:14:33 > 0:14:37pull off the road into a lay-by, in case I crashed.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40And I don't think it's too much of a stretch of the imagination
0:14:40 > 0:14:43to say that making that journey, twice a year,
0:14:43 > 0:14:44for the best part of 30 years
0:14:44 > 0:14:47has been a massive influence on my approach to stand-up.
0:14:52 > 0:14:56It's not though that I find Shitbottle in of itself
0:14:56 > 0:14:58highly hilarious, it's more about what it tells us
0:14:58 > 0:15:00about the human creative imagination.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03I know it seems like a silly thing, changing Shilbottle to Shitbottle,
0:15:03 > 0:15:09but that is the same human impulse as when Ice Age man picked up a rock
0:15:09 > 0:15:13and saw, within that, the Venus of Willendorf, it could be carved out.
0:15:13 > 0:15:17When Neolithic man looked at Salisbury Plain and could see the
0:15:17 > 0:15:21monuments of Stonehenge and whatever could be risen up out of that.
0:15:21 > 0:15:25Or when Michelangelo looked at the roof of the Sistine Chapel,
0:15:25 > 0:15:29blank, but could imagine how it could become the dome of heaven.
0:15:29 > 0:15:33And that is the same creative impulse.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35I don't think it's a laughing matter,
0:15:35 > 0:15:37I think it's the same creative impulse
0:15:37 > 0:15:39that you see in that Shilbottle, Shitbottle.
0:15:40 > 0:15:44And the tragic thing now is that as you do that drive now along the A1,
0:15:44 > 0:15:50now that the internet has got its coils around our kids' minds,
0:15:50 > 0:15:52and they're not out and about, they are not engaging with their
0:15:52 > 0:15:57environment and none of those signs have been changed to say Shitbottle.
0:15:57 > 0:16:01And a lot of people say to me, "Well, if you like Shilbottle
0:16:01 > 0:16:04"so much, why don't you go and live there?"
0:16:07 > 0:16:10Or better still, if you think Shilbottle's so brilliant,
0:16:10 > 0:16:13why don't you move to Devon or Dorset, Stew?
0:16:13 > 0:16:17Because in Devon there's an actual town called Crapstone,
0:16:17 > 0:16:22and in Dorset, there's an actual town called Shitterton.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25So if you think Shilbottle, Shitbottle's
0:16:25 > 0:16:30so funny, why don't you go and live in Crapstone or Shitterton?
0:16:30 > 0:16:31I'm not going to do that.
0:16:31 > 0:16:35I don't find the idea of Crapstone or Shitterton inherently amusing.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38There's no human imagination.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40I'm not going to stand
0:16:40 > 0:16:44and look at a sign for Crapstone or Shitt...I'm not a child.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47I'm not inherently amused by a stupid name.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51It's the bringing to bear of human creativity,
0:16:51 > 0:16:52that's what's interesting to me.
0:16:53 > 0:16:58The only circumstances under which I'd be prepared
0:16:58 > 0:17:02to move to Crapstone, is if I could move to Crapstone
0:17:02 > 0:17:06with the intention of setting up a poor quality quarrying business.
0:17:16 > 0:17:17Hello?
0:17:20 > 0:17:22Crapstone Crap Stone?
0:17:27 > 0:17:29Your stone cottage has fallen down?
0:17:32 > 0:17:34Well, what did you expect?
0:17:36 > 0:17:38The clue's in the name.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40Yeah, see you on Watchdog.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45I'm not going to move to Shitterton.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48I don't find Shitterton inherently amusing in of itself.
0:17:48 > 0:17:52The only circumstances under which I'd be interested in moving
0:17:52 > 0:17:56to Shitterton, is if I could move to Shitterton
0:17:56 > 0:18:00with the sole intention of setting up a business
0:18:00 > 0:18:02which supplied one ton units...
0:18:07 > 0:18:11..and one ton units only, of manure.
0:18:20 > 0:18:21Hello?
0:18:23 > 0:18:25Shitterton Ton of Shit?
0:18:30 > 0:18:31You want three tons of manure?
0:18:33 > 0:18:36Well, we don't do that, I only sell it in,
0:18:36 > 0:18:39I only sell it in units of one ton.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43I know, but you can't have three, I will only let you have one.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03Well, I'll know it's you.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21Well, because A, I'll recognise your voice...
0:19:23 > 0:19:28..and, secondly I'm not that busy that if someone, you know...
0:19:28 > 0:19:30I don't care. It's my, it's my prerogative, that is
0:19:30 > 0:19:34my prerogative, if I want to sell one ton units.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36I don't care.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39I will know they're your friends, it's not...
0:19:44 > 0:19:45Runs at a loss, yes.
0:19:55 > 0:19:5614 years now.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01We've never turned a profit, no.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04Well, only if you, if you think that's the purpose of it,
0:20:04 > 0:20:07to turn a profit, then, yes, it is failing.
0:20:09 > 0:20:10But maybe I don't see it as that.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13For me, the point of it is to try
0:20:13 > 0:20:16and say something interesting about the human creative imagination.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22No, it isn't Arts Council-funded, that's exactly
0:20:22 > 0:20:23the sort of stupid thing...
0:20:23 > 0:20:25They're having all their bloody funding cut.
0:20:28 > 0:20:32The thing about people, I tell you what makes me sick about people
0:20:32 > 0:20:34like you, you know the price of everything, don't you,
0:20:34 > 0:20:36and the value of nothing.
0:20:36 > 0:20:37That is...
0:20:41 > 0:20:43That's me as well, Crapstone Crap Stone, yeah.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54Well, neither business is so busy that I can't...
0:20:59 > 0:21:02That is people laughing, you can hear that, yeah.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05Well, at night I'm a stand-up comedian.
0:21:08 > 0:21:09Well, I'm doing all right,
0:21:09 > 0:21:12but I have to put all the money into keeping the businesses going.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16A black hole, really.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22I'm recording a telly thing for the...
0:21:25 > 0:21:28Well, it's about...this episode is about pornography and the human
0:21:28 > 0:21:31imagination and the internet and all these sort of things.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35Well, I haven't really got an end to it to be honest.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42I had an idea for an end, but I've lost confidence in it.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47I can tell you what it was going to be,
0:21:47 > 0:21:50but it won't make sense to you because you weren't here.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53It relates back to the opening line of this bit
0:21:53 > 0:21:55and you weren't here for that, so you won't...
0:21:57 > 0:21:59Well, all right, OK.
0:22:02 > 0:22:07At the beginning, I come out and I say, "The first naked woman
0:22:07 > 0:22:11"I ever saw was a centrefold in Knave magazine stuck to the inside of the
0:22:11 > 0:22:16"cupboard door in my dad's flat where he kept his non-perishable goods."
0:22:16 > 0:22:18"To this day I still get an involuntary erection
0:22:18 > 0:22:20"whenever I see a packet of Paxo."
0:22:20 > 0:22:23"Try explaining that to your mother-in-law on Christmas Day."
0:22:24 > 0:22:27Like Lee Mack, it is, isn't it? But it's...I know...
0:22:31 > 0:22:34I think he's very, I think he's very good, actually,
0:22:34 > 0:22:36but I've been reading his autobiography,
0:22:36 > 0:22:39and I think the style of it sort of got under my...
0:22:42 > 0:22:44Well, I thought that bit was about me.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47I don't know, I've never done anything to him,
0:22:47 > 0:22:48I don't know why he would do that.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55I know, you spread it, don't you? I don't know what...
0:22:55 > 0:22:56Strange.
0:23:00 > 0:23:04Then at the end, at the end, I was going to say,
0:23:04 > 0:23:06the second naked woman I ever saw was on the back...
0:23:06 > 0:23:12In 1978 in a pub in Devon, on the back of a board of Big D Snacks.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14I know, only one bloke knows what that was.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19Anyone under 45 doesn't remember that.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23You don't?
0:23:23 > 0:23:28OK, what it was, in the '70s, there was these snacks,
0:23:28 > 0:23:31Big D, and the more snacks you ate off the board,
0:23:31 > 0:23:35you could see a naked woman behind them.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39I know, well, they have the internet now, young people.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44They don't have to eat snacks to see a naked woman.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48Yet, ironically, they're all obese.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50Yeah, I know. Peculiar, isn't it?
0:23:52 > 0:23:54Then I would say, "To this day I still get an involuntary
0:23:54 > 0:23:58"erection whenever I see a bowl of peanuts.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00"Try explaining that to your mother-in-law
0:24:00 > 0:24:01"on Christmas Day."
0:24:01 > 0:24:06I know, yeah, but then...I know, but there's a topper to it.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08I then say, "Especially following hot on the heels
0:24:08 > 0:24:10"of the Paxo incident".
0:24:14 > 0:24:16Well, a bit, but not enough for it to be a closer.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18You know?
0:24:23 > 0:24:26Well, I don't know how I'm going to end this one.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30To be honest, I was hoping that if I keep you on the line
0:24:30 > 0:24:31long enough, something might come up.
0:24:33 > 0:24:37I think the next big, the next reasonable sized laugh I get,
0:24:37 > 0:24:40I'm going to slam down the phone, call for a blackout
0:24:40 > 0:24:41and say that's the end.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44No, that wasn't enough.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48If I'd been quick off the mark, that would have done.
0:25:02 > 0:25:06Well, that's the beauty of an improvisation
0:25:06 > 0:25:09with a secondary silent partner.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14I can just wait while I try to think of something.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42It's good to stop talking sometimes.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44MOURNFUL PIANO MUSIC
0:25:47 > 0:25:48Yeah.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55MOURNFUL MUSIC THROUGHOUT