0:00:02 > 0:00:06This series only came about because some craven idiot at the BBC
0:00:06 > 0:00:08was impressed by an award you won.
0:00:08 > 0:00:10It's pretty ridiculous what's happened.
0:00:10 > 0:00:13I mean, I've lost my way, and I think if you, if you give people BAFTAs
0:00:13 > 0:00:15and British Comedy Awards that's what's going to happen.
0:00:15 > 0:00:18I've got no... I don't know who I'm supposed to be any more.
0:00:18 > 0:00:22I'm a, who am I? A person who sits every night looking at a mantelpiece
0:00:22 > 0:00:24literally creaking with awards,
0:00:24 > 0:00:30and yet every single one of those awards is like a vampire bat sucking all the energy out of me.
0:00:30 > 0:00:33- It's kryptonite, isn't it? It's kryptonite to your...- Yeah.
0:00:33 > 0:00:36And I suppose it looks now as if you're thrashing about
0:00:36 > 0:00:39desperately trying to prove that you have an identity.
0:00:39 > 0:00:41You have hoards of writers on the show.
0:00:41 > 0:00:45You don't appear to be able to summon a thought.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48My only, my only hope is that the final moments
0:00:48 > 0:00:53of this expiring talent have been captured and that that in itself will be entertaining in some way.
0:00:53 > 0:00:56The same way that it might be interesting to watch
0:00:56 > 0:01:00an animal expire after its throat's been slit.
0:01:00 > 0:01:01A sort of snuff...?
0:01:01 > 0:01:03A kind of snuff comedy, yeah. Yeah.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06Let's watch the, let's watch the talent and purpose ebb away from
0:01:06 > 0:01:11this character, and maybe there's something comical about that. I don't know.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13This programme contains very strong language.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15So, I don't want to waste any time faffing around or trying
0:01:15 > 0:01:22to create a good atmosphere in the room, so what I'm going to ask you to do in about 30 seconds
0:01:22 > 0:01:25is clap for about three seconds.
0:01:25 > 0:01:26Not as if it were the top of the show.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28I don't want any whooping or cheering,
0:01:28 > 0:01:32but just clap as if I'd already been on for about a quarter of an hour
0:01:32 > 0:01:35and it was going all right and everyone is in a good mood.
0:01:35 > 0:01:39I'd just done something that was OK, and I'll come off the back of that
0:01:39 > 0:01:44on the move, as if we're already in the show in full flight
0:01:44 > 0:01:48and you'll see that works just as well as if I'd done something good.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53So, if you can just do about three seconds, low level clapping,
0:01:53 > 0:01:55then I'll go into the first half hour.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57If you just do that now. About three seconds clapping.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00APPLAUSE
0:02:00 > 0:02:07I know. I mean, thing is, that's what I said to them but, um, I don't think people listen, you know?
0:02:07 > 0:02:09It's like, it's like, being in Spain.
0:02:09 > 0:02:13It was ridiculous, you know? Blokes going, "Oh, where's your, you know, sombrero?"
0:02:13 > 0:02:18Man. Now, so I was in a cab on a Sunday night
0:02:18 > 0:02:24going from Waterloo to Hackney, and suddenly the cab driver turned around and his opening conversation
0:02:24 > 0:02:27or gambit was to say this genuine sentence.
0:02:27 > 0:02:33He said, "These days you get arrested and thrown in jail if you say you're English, don't you?"
0:02:33 > 0:02:35LAUGHTER
0:02:36 > 0:02:39Look, we've all done it. You're probably like me.
0:02:39 > 0:02:43Sometimes a cab driver or someone might say something like that and you go, "Yeah."
0:02:43 > 0:02:44You know, just for a quiet life.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47Or if they go, "My face is made out of electricity and ham,"
0:02:47 > 0:02:50and you go, "Yes, it's awful when that happens.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53"My friend had that. An electric ham face."
0:02:53 > 0:02:57Or if they go, "All mice are gay and they're from space, aren't they?"
0:02:57 > 0:03:02You go, "Yeah, the bloody gay space mice. I can't stand them. They make me physically sick."
0:03:02 > 0:03:04You're just, you know, for a quiet life.
0:03:04 > 0:03:08But on this occasion I thought, "I wonder what he means?"
0:03:08 > 0:03:10I said to him, "What did you say?" And he said, "Oh, these days,
0:03:10 > 0:03:14"if you say you're English you get arrested and thrown in jail."
0:03:16 > 0:03:18I said, "When did this come in?"
0:03:18 > 0:03:23And he said, "No," he said, "if you say you're English these days, mate.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26"You get arrested and thrown in jail."
0:03:26 > 0:03:28I said, "Are you...?
0:03:28 > 0:03:32"What, if you say, just if you say you're English you get arrested and thrown in jail?"
0:03:32 > 0:03:35He goes, "Yeah. These days," he said,
0:03:35 > 0:03:41"if you say you're English you get arrested and you'll be, you'll be just thrown in jail."
0:03:41 > 0:03:47I said "In, in, jail." He goes, "Yeah, these days. These days, mate, if you say you're English, right,
0:03:47 > 0:03:51"these days, you'll get arrested and you'll be thrown in jail."
0:03:51 > 0:03:53"I said, "You'll be thrown...?
0:03:53 > 0:03:56"Actually thrown in jail, just if you, if you say you're English."
0:03:56 > 0:03:58He goes, "Yeah, these days.
0:03:58 > 0:04:02"Say you're English these days, you'll get, you'll be thrown in,
0:04:02 > 0:04:04"arrested, and then you'll be thrown in jail."
0:04:04 > 0:04:08I said, "You'd be actually be thrown in jail?" He goes, "Yeah."
0:04:08 > 0:04:09I said, "Just for saying you're English?"
0:04:09 > 0:04:12He goes, "Yeah," he said, "say you're English these days.
0:04:12 > 0:04:16"You get arrested and you'll be, you'd be thrown in jail."
0:04:16 > 0:04:20I said, "Thrown in, you'll be thrown in jail if you just say, just for saying you're Eng...?"
0:04:20 > 0:04:23He goes, Yes, you will."
0:04:23 > 0:04:25"These days," he said, "if you say you're English
0:04:25 > 0:04:28"you'll be arrested and you'll be thrown..."
0:04:28 > 0:04:31I said, "Absolutely, are you saying, what are you saying?
0:04:31 > 0:04:35"If you say you're English these days, you'll be arrested and thrown in jail?"
0:04:35 > 0:04:40He goes, "Yes, these days, if you say you're English, you just say that, and you'll be arrested
0:04:40 > 0:04:42"and you'll be thrown in jail."
0:04:42 > 0:04:44I said, "Thrown in, you'll be thrown in a jail?
0:04:44 > 0:04:46"Just if you, and arrested, just if you say..."
0:04:46 > 0:04:51He goes, "Yeah, you'll be arrested, then thrown in jail just for saying you're English."
0:04:51 > 0:04:53I said, "Just for saying you're English you'll be arrested?"
0:04:53 > 0:04:57He goes, "Yeah." I said, "Are you cer..." I said, "Are you sure?
0:04:57 > 0:05:03"Will you be arrested and thrown in jail these days if you say you're English?"
0:05:03 > 0:05:04And he said, "No."
0:05:04 > 0:05:05LAUGHTER
0:05:05 > 0:05:11Right. I'd worn him down, "But..." he said,
0:05:11 > 0:05:15"but.." he said, "if on an official form where it says
0:05:15 > 0:05:20" 'nationality' you cross out British and you write in 'White English'
0:05:20 > 0:05:23"they will send that form back." Now, that's not strict...
0:05:23 > 0:05:26It's not the same as being arrested, is it?
0:05:26 > 0:05:30But it is a very thin line, to be fair. It is.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32Earlier this year I was applying for a new passport
0:05:32 > 0:05:36and on my passport photo, before I sent it in, on my face, in pen,
0:05:36 > 0:05:40I wrote, "There ain't no black in the Union Jack."
0:05:40 > 0:05:42Stupid load of fuss. I was banged up.
0:05:45 > 0:05:54The next thing I knew Amnesty International had had to fly Micky Flanagan out to Carnegie Hall
0:05:54 > 0:05:57to tell New Yorkers about fingering a woman in a fish market
0:05:57 > 0:06:00in order to draw attention to my incarceration.
0:06:02 > 0:06:06But look, it worked. I stand before you. I'm free. Look, free man.
0:06:06 > 0:06:13So there's no truth at all in, what's more than a rumour, that you, you give a taxi driver something
0:06:13 > 0:06:16dreadful to read out, and then pay him to read it out
0:06:16 > 0:06:23so that you then have the supposed authenticity of having gathered a kind of, a folk bigotry into your...
0:06:24 > 0:06:27- Well...- ..cynical little sack.
0:06:27 > 0:06:28I didn't initially do that.
0:06:28 > 0:06:32Initially, the ideas that I got from cab drivers are from things they've
0:06:32 > 0:06:36said, but pretty soon on, in between the second and third series,
0:06:36 > 0:06:40I realised that what I really, I needed them to say particular things
0:06:40 > 0:06:47to make the routines work, and I wanted the routines to have the, the, the feeling of...
0:06:47 > 0:06:48This is, I mean, this is unbelievable.
0:06:48 > 0:06:53This is, this is, the Jeremy Kyle argument. It is.
0:06:53 > 0:06:59"I get them in the studio. They do it anyway, but I just put them in front of a camera and what's more,
0:06:59 > 0:07:01"they get paid at the end of the day,
0:07:01 > 0:07:06"and then they get some therapy afterwards to make absolute idiots of themselves at my behest."
0:07:06 > 0:07:08That's what he says. That's what you say.
0:07:08 > 0:07:09You're the same.
0:07:09 > 0:07:13I don't, I don't film them doing it. I just remember what they've said.
0:07:13 > 0:07:17- You film yourself remembering what they said.- I film myself remembering what I told them to say.
0:07:17 > 0:07:21Which gives you the advantage because they're not there to answer for themselves.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23No, well, if they were I wouldn't do it, because I think they would...
0:07:23 > 0:07:25They'd have you.
0:07:25 > 0:07:29Well, what are you going to do? I mean, in fact I don't... I don't have time now to have adventures or
0:07:29 > 0:07:33experiences or ideas, so it's best if I can provoke the response
0:07:33 > 0:07:37I want from a person and then pass it off as something that actually happened.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39I mean, it didn't, it didn't not happen.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41It just didn't happen really.
0:07:41 > 0:07:46But a lot of people have anxieties about cultural identity, and that explains the rise of UKIP.
0:07:46 > 0:07:50The UKIPs, that and the fact that Nigel Farage of the UKIPs
0:07:50 > 0:07:53is what we in England call a character.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55He's a character, isn't he? Nigel Farage.
0:07:55 > 0:07:59The character. But remember, a character is defined in the Dictionary of Theatre
0:07:59 > 0:08:03as being "something that gives the illusion of being a person."
0:08:03 > 0:08:05LAUGHTER
0:08:06 > 0:08:09Now, a lot of people have been saying their voting UKIP was a protest vote.
0:08:09 > 0:08:10Which I sort of understand,
0:08:10 > 0:08:13but when we were young, a protest vote, you voted for someone nice
0:08:13 > 0:08:16who might not get in, like the Greens, didn't you,
0:08:16 > 0:08:20or some funny, silly, amusing party like the Raving Monster Loony Party or the Liberal Democrats.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23Something like that. But people have been voting for
0:08:23 > 0:08:26the UKIPs as a protest vote, and they're nasty,
0:08:26 > 0:08:30and they might get in, and then what kind of protest is that?
0:08:30 > 0:08:33That's like shitting your hotel bed as a protest against bad service,
0:08:33 > 0:08:36and then realising you've now got to sleep in a shitted bed.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43Paul Nuttalls is the Deputy Leader of the UKIPs
0:08:43 > 0:08:49and he's from Liverpool, and he's very worried about all these Bulgarians coming over, and in July,
0:08:49 > 0:08:55he said, "Bulgarians need to ensure that their brightest and best people stay in Bulgaria
0:08:55 > 0:09:02"and make it economically prosperous instead of coming to the UK to serve tea and coffee."
0:09:02 > 0:09:08Now, that's all very well for Paul Nuttalls of the UKIPs, because he lives in Liverpool.
0:09:08 > 0:09:15But I live in London, and what I want to know is how am I supposed to get cheap tea and coffee,
0:09:15 > 0:09:21unless there's a massively overqualified East European philosophy professor
0:09:21 > 0:09:26prepared to make it for me for significantly less than the living wage?
0:09:27 > 0:09:31Selfish, selfish Paul Nuttalls of the UKIPs.
0:09:31 > 0:09:37Paul Nuttalls of the UKIPs' clearly genuine concern for domestic economic prosperity in Bulgaria.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40I don't doubt that for a minute, but that is threatening my
0:09:40 > 0:09:45access to cheap hot beverages in the central London area,
0:09:45 > 0:09:49and what I say to Paul Nuttalls of the UKIPs from Liverpool is this.
0:09:49 > 0:09:54Paul Nuttall of the UKIPs, from Liverpool,
0:09:54 > 0:09:58abandon your parliamentary hopes and your dreams of London
0:09:58 > 0:10:01and stay in Liverpool where you belong.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05For you are clearly the brightest and best
0:10:05 > 0:10:07that Liverpool has to offer.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10So stay in Liverpool
0:10:10 > 0:10:15and concentrate instead on making Liverpool economically prosperous,
0:10:15 > 0:10:18and not just by climbing over the hotel toilet cubicle doors
0:10:18 > 0:10:21and stealing people's coats, either.
0:10:22 > 0:10:26But how to make Liverpool economically prosperous?
0:10:26 > 0:10:29If only there was some way for Liverpudlians
0:10:29 > 0:10:32to profit from going on and on about the past in a whiny voice.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39What you've done is evolve a system
0:10:39 > 0:10:43that knowingly operates the levers that make people laugh
0:10:43 > 0:10:45by using any means possible
0:10:45 > 0:10:47apart from actually saying anything funny.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49- Yeah, I know. - You make them feel awkward.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51- Yep.- You make them feel a bit afraid.- Yep.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53- You make them feel nervous.- Yep.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55And that is the only reason they laugh.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58But what's the last thing that they would expect?
0:10:58 > 0:11:00Something funny actually just being said,
0:11:00 > 0:11:03- and that's what I've tried to do in this series.- Again and again.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06Again and again I've tried to just do a joke that will make people laugh
0:11:06 > 0:11:10and you can see the fear and confusion on their faces.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12They go, "Oh, what's this? What's happening now?"
0:11:12 > 0:11:15This is quite a complicated brew
0:11:15 > 0:11:20because I'm not sure whether that's smug or psychotic.
0:11:20 > 0:11:21Yeah.
0:11:21 > 0:11:22Now I am aware,
0:11:22 > 0:11:25right, it's now December 2013
0:11:25 > 0:11:27and I'm recording this
0:11:27 > 0:11:31but by the time this goes out, it will be 2014,
0:11:31 > 0:11:34by which time, if the UKIPs are right,
0:11:34 > 0:11:36we will have been swamped by Bulgarians,
0:11:36 > 0:11:37and I do appreciate
0:11:37 > 0:11:42that I will now look like the worst kind of BBC liberal apologist idiot
0:11:42 > 0:11:47if you're all sitting at home watching this dubbed into Bulgarian.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49LAUGHTER
0:11:50 > 0:11:53With Romanian subtitles.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57But the UKIPs seem to object to the Bulgarians
0:11:57 > 0:12:00on the grounds that they are skilled,
0:12:00 > 0:12:03which is a whole new angle in the anti-immigration debate.
0:12:03 > 0:12:07Here they are, coming over here, their skills.
0:12:07 > 0:12:11A lot of people say, um, that we need mass immigration
0:12:11 > 0:12:13if we're going to have economic growth.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16Other people say it will always cost the infrastructure
0:12:16 > 0:12:18more than it brings to the country.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21Whatever the truth of those two positions,
0:12:21 > 0:12:24the way people are talking about the Bulgarians,
0:12:24 > 0:12:25we've seen it all before, haven't we?
0:12:25 > 0:12:29We've seen, ten years ago, with the Poles.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32People going, oh, bloody Poles, coming over here.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34Bloody Poles, coming over here,
0:12:34 > 0:12:37being all Polish and mending everything.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41Coming over here, fixing all the stuff we've broken
0:12:41 > 0:12:45and are too illiterate to read the instructions for.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48Doing it better than us in a second language. Bloody Poles.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50Coming over here.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53When I was a kid. 40, 45 years ago, it was the Indians, weren't it?
0:12:53 > 0:12:57Bloody Indians, Pakistanis and Indians, coming over here,
0:12:57 > 0:12:59inventing us a national cuisine.
0:12:59 > 0:13:03LAUGHTER
0:13:03 > 0:13:06Before that, in the 16th century,
0:13:06 > 0:13:10it was bloody Huguenots, weren't it? Bloody Huguenots.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13Coming over here from medieval France. Bloody French.
0:13:13 > 0:13:19Religious heretics coming over here, doubting transubstantiation.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21LAUGHTER
0:13:21 > 0:13:24Bloody French Huguenots coming over here
0:13:24 > 0:13:28questioning the Eucharistic symbolism
0:13:28 > 0:13:33with their famed ability to weave little jerkins out of lace.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36We don't want your lace here.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38We've got corduroy.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42My name's Paul Nuttalls of UKIPs
0:13:42 > 0:13:46and I say we need to ensure the brightest and best Huguenots
0:13:46 > 0:13:49stay in medieval France and concentrate on
0:13:49 > 0:13:53revising its relationship with the Eucharistic tradition,
0:13:53 > 0:13:55instead of coming over here to the UK
0:13:55 > 0:13:57and teaching us to make hats out of lace.
0:13:57 > 0:14:02And before then, in the 5th century, was the Anglo-Saxons, weren't it?
0:14:02 > 0:14:05Bloody Anglo-Saxons,
0:14:05 > 0:14:06coming over here,
0:14:06 > 0:14:09from Northern Continental Europe.
0:14:09 > 0:14:13Bloody Anglo-Saxons with their inlay jewellery
0:14:13 > 0:14:16and their shit burial traditions,
0:14:16 > 0:14:19and their miserable epic poetry.
0:14:20 > 0:14:24RECITES ANGLOSAXON POEM
0:14:33 > 0:14:34To come over here, Anglo-Saxons,
0:14:34 > 0:14:37learn to speak the fucking language.
0:14:37 > 0:14:38APPLAUSE
0:14:38 > 0:14:40My name's Paul Nuttall from UKIP
0:14:40 > 0:14:44and I say we need to ensure the brightest and best Anglo-Saxons
0:14:44 > 0:14:48stay in 5th century Northern Continental Europe
0:14:48 > 0:14:50instead of coming over here to the UK
0:14:50 > 0:14:54and laying down the basis of our entire future language and culture.
0:14:56 > 0:15:01And before them, 2000BC, 4,000 years ago,
0:15:01 > 0:15:03was the Beaker folk, weren't it?
0:15:03 > 0:15:05Bloody Beaker folk.
0:15:05 > 0:15:06The Beaker folk.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09Coming over here,
0:15:09 > 0:15:13rowing up the Tagus Estuary from the Iberian Peninsula
0:15:13 > 0:15:15in improvised rafts.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18The bloody Beaker folk, coming over here with their beakers.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20With their drinking vessels.
0:15:20 > 0:15:24What's wrong with just cupping up the water in your hands?
0:15:24 > 0:15:26And licking it up like a cat?
0:15:28 > 0:15:30My name's Paul Nuttall of UKIP and I say
0:15:30 > 0:15:34we need to ensure the brightest and best Beaker folk
0:15:34 > 0:15:38stay in the Iberian Peninsula and fill it with beakers
0:15:38 > 0:15:40instead of coming over here to the UK
0:15:40 > 0:15:43and teaching us to drink liquid out of cups.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46And before them, 4500 BC,
0:15:46 > 0:15:496,500 years ago, the Neolithic people, weren't it?
0:15:49 > 0:15:52Bloody Neolithic people,
0:15:52 > 0:15:55coming over here from Continental Mediterranean.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57Neolithic people.
0:15:57 > 0:16:01Coming over here with their pictograms,
0:16:01 > 0:16:05and their primitive wheat farming innovations,
0:16:05 > 0:16:08and their astrological stone circle temples
0:16:08 > 0:16:12with all the rocks aligned with the movements of the planets.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14What's wrong with just worshipping a tree?
0:16:14 > 0:16:17LAUGHTER
0:16:17 > 0:16:20My name's Paul Nuttall of UKIPs
0:16:20 > 0:16:23and I say we need to ensure the brightest and best Neolithic people
0:16:23 > 0:16:25stay in Mediterranean Continent
0:16:25 > 0:16:27instead of coming over here to the UK
0:16:27 > 0:16:30and teaching us to make and eat bread.
0:16:31 > 0:16:36And before them, 400 million years ago,
0:16:36 > 0:16:39when the first fish crawled up onto the land.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42Our land.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47You get back in the sea.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50You finned cunt.
0:16:53 > 0:16:57Coming up here, onto our land
0:16:57 > 0:17:01with your barely developed lungs
0:17:01 > 0:17:04and your hopes and dreams of a better tomorrow for fish.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06Get back in the sea.
0:17:06 > 0:17:07My name's Paul Nuttall of UKIP
0:17:07 > 0:17:11and I say we need to ensure the brightest and best fish
0:17:11 > 0:17:16stay in the sea and concentrate on making it aquatically prosperous
0:17:16 > 0:17:18instead of coming up here onto the land
0:17:18 > 0:17:20and beginning the process of evolution
0:17:20 > 0:17:23that will eventually lead to all life on Earth as we know it.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25It's too full, isn't it?
0:17:25 > 0:17:29Not Britain. Reality is too full.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32Reality is too full, isn't it? Reality.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36There's too much stuff everywhere.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38In reality, isn't there?
0:17:39 > 0:17:42I liked it when there was nothing. Remember?
0:17:43 > 0:17:47Remember when nothing existed at all? There was nothing.
0:17:47 > 0:17:52And it was just an infinite void of nothing, and nothing existed.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54Brilliant. Remember?
0:17:54 > 0:17:56Remember the old nothing?
0:17:56 > 0:17:57The old times of nothing.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00Remember? When there was nothing.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02Remember? The old nothing.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05Remember when there was nothing?
0:18:05 > 0:18:06Remember?
0:18:06 > 0:18:09# Oh, oh there's nothing
0:18:09 > 0:18:11# There's nothing
0:18:11 > 0:18:13# Oh, remember. Oh, remember
0:18:13 > 0:18:16# Oh, there's nothing at all
0:18:16 > 0:18:17# Anywhere
0:18:17 > 0:18:19# Oh, there's nothing
0:18:19 > 0:18:22# Nothing. Nothing
0:18:22 > 0:18:24# Oh, there's nothing anywhere at all
0:18:24 > 0:18:25# Remember the old...
0:18:25 > 0:18:28# Oh, is there anything over there?
0:18:28 > 0:18:31# No, there's nothing
0:18:31 > 0:18:33# What about round over there?
0:18:33 > 0:18:36# There's nothing there either
0:18:36 > 0:18:38# Is there anything over there?
0:18:38 > 0:18:40# No. There's nothing
0:18:40 > 0:18:42# What about over there?
0:18:42 > 0:18:44# No, there isn't There's nothing. #
0:18:44 > 0:18:46Remember in the old? Remember, nothing.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49# Oh, nothing, nothing, nothing Nothing, oi!
0:18:49 > 0:18:52# There's nothing, nothing at all
0:18:52 > 0:18:55# Ah, nothing at all
0:18:55 > 0:18:57# Nothing. Nothing, nothing, nothing
0:18:57 > 0:18:59# Nothing
0:18:59 > 0:19:01# Nothing
0:19:01 > 0:19:03# Nothing
0:19:03 > 0:19:04# Nothing out there
0:19:04 > 0:19:07# There's nothing at all
0:19:07 > 0:19:12# Out there is nothing
0:19:12 > 0:19:14# Oh, there's nothing
0:19:14 > 0:19:16# There's nothing. #
0:19:16 > 0:19:17The old nothing times. Remember?
0:19:17 > 0:19:20When there was nothing. Oh, it's brilliant.
0:19:20 > 0:19:24There was no planets, was there? No.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27And there was no suns, was there? No.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30There was no crime.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32LAUGHTER
0:19:34 > 0:19:36Make of that what you will.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40Could leave your house unlocked, couldn't you?
0:19:40 > 0:19:42Cos it didn't exist.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48There was nothing and it was bloody brilliant, and now, oh...
0:19:48 > 0:19:51There was a big bang, wasn't there?
0:19:51 > 0:19:54I don't remember anyone asking me if I wanted a big bang.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59And now there's all this matter, isn't there?
0:20:00 > 0:20:03Coming over here
0:20:03 > 0:20:05and existing.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08My name's Paul Nuttall of UKIP
0:20:08 > 0:20:12and I say we need to ensure the brightest and best
0:20:12 > 0:20:14particles of energy
0:20:14 > 0:20:17that are yet to find a physical form
0:20:17 > 0:20:21stay in an infinite void of nothing instead
0:20:21 > 0:20:23of somehow coming together
0:20:23 > 0:20:26and forming the basis of everything
0:20:26 > 0:20:27that will ever exist.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30LAUGHTER
0:20:32 > 0:20:35It's not fair to make fun of Paul Nuttall from UKIP though,
0:20:35 > 0:20:38because he's only trying as best he can
0:20:38 > 0:20:40to ensure the future domestic prosperity
0:20:40 > 0:20:42of Bulgaria. I don't doubt that for a minute.
0:20:42 > 0:20:46And that is the main thrust of all UKIP policy.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48That and bring back smoking in pubs.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50And all the other stuff -
0:20:50 > 0:20:52the homophobia, the climate change denial,
0:20:52 > 0:20:55hitting people over the head with magazines.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58That's all incidental to the main
0:20:58 > 0:21:00pro-Bulgaria, pro-smoking thrust.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04I appreciate that I am protected from many
0:21:04 > 0:21:07of the stresses and strains that turn people against one another
0:21:07 > 0:21:08but I do think we can all get on.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11I live here, in the people's republic of Hackney
0:21:11 > 0:21:14in North East London. It's very culturally diverse.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16They're not really in this audience, but...
0:21:16 > 0:21:18LAUGHTER
0:21:22 > 0:21:25But I've had kids at nursery and playgroup here.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27And what they do at the nurseries and playgroups in
0:21:27 > 0:21:31Hackney... They celebrate all the different kids' festivals
0:21:31 > 0:21:35and cultural events in what you might call a logical, sensitive
0:21:35 > 0:21:37and pragmatic approach to cultural diversity
0:21:37 > 0:21:39gone mad.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42LAUGHTER
0:21:42 > 0:21:44They celebrate Christian Christmas,
0:21:44 > 0:21:46Chinese New Year, Muslim Michaelmas,
0:21:46 > 0:21:48Atheist April Fool's day,
0:21:48 > 0:21:49Pantheus' Pancake Day,
0:21:49 > 0:21:50Odinist Oatcake Day
0:21:50 > 0:21:53and Lesbian Gay and Bisexual Harvest Festival,
0:21:53 > 0:21:55which is a fantastic day -
0:21:55 > 0:21:57full of fruit for all the family.
0:21:57 > 0:22:03But EDL members and Daily Telegraph readers, relax,
0:22:03 > 0:22:06they do celebrate St George's Day as well.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08On St George's Day they told me I had
0:22:08 > 0:22:12to send my little two-year-old girl into the Hackney playgroup
0:22:12 > 0:22:14dressed in traditional English costume,
0:22:14 > 0:22:16so I sent her in dressed
0:22:16 > 0:22:18as a 1970s English football hooligan
0:22:18 > 0:22:24with a cross of St George and all swastikas drawn on her face,
0:22:24 > 0:22:27and I had her drunk on Special Brew
0:22:27 > 0:22:29and high on amphetamines.
0:22:29 > 0:22:33I gave her sharpened coins to throw at horses,
0:22:33 > 0:22:34and I had her shouting,
0:22:34 > 0:22:38"I'm English, I'm English! Want to make something of it?"
0:22:38 > 0:22:41Now, that led to a misunderstanding
0:22:41 > 0:22:43and the police became involved.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46Apparently, if you say you're English these days
0:22:46 > 0:22:48you get arrested and thrown in jail.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER
0:22:53 > 0:22:55And what I've realised lately
0:22:55 > 0:22:59is audiences that come out to things, they do want to enjoy themselves,
0:22:59 > 0:23:01and my job is to allow them to.
0:23:01 > 0:23:04And previously I've spent too much time trying to stop them
0:23:04 > 0:23:06from enjoying themselves, I think.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08You've become a sort of traffic warden for their laughter.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11You're going, laugh for five seconds, stop.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14This one's really hilarious. Make a lot of noise.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16- Yep.- I mean, I've seen you do that for hours.
0:23:16 > 0:23:20I know, well, the laughter is in the room like a resource
0:23:20 > 0:23:22that's bottled up.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24My job is to decant,
0:23:24 > 0:23:28to decant enjoyment from a collective body of people.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31But to decant it at a rate that is
0:23:31 > 0:23:32just enough to eke out
0:23:32 > 0:23:34half an hour of laughs for BBC Two.
0:23:34 > 0:23:35It's like being a surgeon.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37A trepanning sort of...
0:23:37 > 0:23:38It's like being a...
0:23:38 > 0:23:40A man with a drill.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42A surgeon or someone
0:23:42 > 0:23:44that milks semen out of a pig for, um,
0:23:44 > 0:23:47for artificial insemination.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49The laughter is like the pig semen
0:23:49 > 0:23:51and the audience
0:23:51 > 0:23:52are like the genitals of the pig
0:23:52 > 0:23:54and the comedian
0:23:54 > 0:23:57is the person milking the pig semen out
0:23:57 > 0:23:59with a view towards selling it on
0:23:59 > 0:24:01for use in industrial farming techniques.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11SOMBRE MUSIC PLAYS
0:24:30 > 0:24:33MUSIC CONTINUES
0:25:34 > 0:25:36THRUMMING
0:25:36 > 0:25:38SIZZLING
0:25:48 > 0:25:51CHIMING
0:25:53 > 0:25:55ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS
0:26:33 > 0:26:36DRONING
0:26:41 > 0:26:43WHIRRING
0:26:46 > 0:26:47MUSIC STOPS
0:27:07 > 0:27:09ROARING
0:27:32 > 0:27:36MUSIC: "Jerusalem"