0:00:02 > 0:00:07This programme contains some strong language
0:00:07 > 0:00:09Do you think satire is a loser's game?
0:00:09 > 0:00:10Is it the cry of the loser?
0:00:10 > 0:00:13Well, I prefer not to be called a satirist,
0:00:13 > 0:00:15because it suggests a degree of rigour,
0:00:15 > 0:00:19accuracy and research that I'm not prepared to...
0:00:19 > 0:00:21I'm not prepared to put that amount of effort in.
0:00:21 > 0:00:24And yet, health wise, you are satirising yourself from the inside.
0:00:24 > 0:00:26Yeah, if you look at the first series in the Mildmay Club
0:00:26 > 0:00:30I was hanging off the railings, rolling around on the floor...
0:00:30 > 0:00:32I mean, it's as much as I can do now,
0:00:32 > 0:00:36I'm so unfit and decrepit, to even just to stand for half an hour.
0:00:36 > 0:00:38APPLAUSE
0:00:38 > 0:00:42Thank you. Yeah. Now... Um...
0:00:44 > 0:00:47One of the things I thought was funny about the death of Thatcher...
0:00:47 > 0:00:50LAUGHTER
0:00:50 > 0:00:51..was, um...
0:00:51 > 0:00:52MUTED APPLAUSE
0:00:52 > 0:00:55Don't applaud that!
0:00:55 > 0:00:58Was that, um, people... to satirise her,
0:00:58 > 0:01:01people bought this Munchkins record, didn't they?
0:01:01 > 0:01:03Munchkins singing 'The Witch is Dead' from Wizard of Oz.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06We were watching the news, the week of Thatcher's death, me and my son,
0:01:06 > 0:01:09and he said to me, "Dad, why are the Munchkins singing on the news?"
0:01:09 > 0:01:12And I said to him, "Well, it's because an old lady,
0:01:12 > 0:01:16"who about half the country didn't like has died
0:01:16 > 0:01:19"and so, to make fun of her, a lot of people
0:01:19 > 0:01:21"have bought this record of the Munchkins singing."
0:01:21 > 0:01:25And he looked confused, so I said to him, "What do you think of that?"
0:01:25 > 0:01:29"Do you think that's fair?" And he said, "No, Daddy, it isn't fair."
0:01:29 > 0:01:33And I said, "Why?" And he said, "Because the Munchkins will be sad
0:01:33 > 0:01:38"when they find out that an old lady's died.'
0:01:38 > 0:01:4028 years old he is.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42LAUGHTER
0:01:42 > 0:01:44He's a fucking idiot.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47LAUGHTER
0:01:47 > 0:01:50He's a constant source of shame and embarrassment
0:01:50 > 0:01:54to everyone in the family.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56Combs his hair with a spoon!
0:01:56 > 0:01:59He is kind, though, he's one of the kindest people I've ever met.
0:01:59 > 0:02:03Should have his own Channel 4 comedy-drama series.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09Now...
0:02:09 > 0:02:12in the 1980s, the Labour Party believed that the poor,
0:02:12 > 0:02:15who did not deserve to be poor, should be helped by the rich,
0:02:15 > 0:02:18who did not deserve to be rich.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20Meanwhile, the Conservatives thought that the poor,
0:02:20 > 0:02:23who deserved to be poor, should not be helped by the rich,
0:02:23 > 0:02:28who deserved to be rich. And that is the 1980s explained.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30It's very different today.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33Today, both the main parties believe that the poor
0:02:33 > 0:02:37should be tied up in a bin-bag and thrown into a canal.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39The Conservatives, to be fair to them,
0:02:39 > 0:02:43at least had the guts to look as if they mean that.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45Whereas the Labour Party, when they announced their support
0:02:45 > 0:02:48for welfare cuts, they did so with all the confidence
0:02:48 > 0:02:54of a dog running away from the smell of his own farts.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57The leaders are no different, are they? David Cameron and Ed Miliband.
0:02:57 > 0:03:01They are about as different as two rats fighting over a courgette
0:03:01 > 0:03:04that has fallen into a urinal.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06LAUGHTER
0:03:06 > 0:03:11The main difference being that the David Cameron rat is wearing Chinos.
0:03:11 > 0:03:15LAUGHTER
0:03:15 > 0:03:18In an attempt to win over the youth voter.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21LAUGHTER
0:03:21 > 0:03:23I do think we should vote though,
0:03:23 > 0:03:25I know that's unfashionable in stand-up comedy now,
0:03:25 > 0:03:27but I do think we should vote. Fair play, though.
0:03:27 > 0:03:32Congratulations to Russell Brand for bringing global capitalism
0:03:32 > 0:03:34to the attention of CBeebies viewers.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37LAUGHTER
0:03:37 > 0:03:42Russell Brand and Jeremy Paxman. It was hardly Frost/Nixon, was it?
0:03:42 > 0:03:46More like watching a monkey throw his own excrement at a foghorn.
0:03:46 > 0:03:50LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:03:50 > 0:03:53Now... hear that? Applause? That's what I like.
0:03:53 > 0:03:54I'm not interested in laughs.
0:03:54 > 0:03:58I prefer applause. "Is it supposed to be funny?"
0:03:58 > 0:04:00That's what the critics say. No, it isn't.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03I'm not interested in laughs. I'm interested in...
0:04:03 > 0:04:05"Did you see Stewart Lee?" "Yeah." "Was it funny?"
0:04:05 > 0:04:07"No, but I agreed the fuck out of it".
0:04:07 > 0:04:09LAUGHTER
0:04:09 > 0:04:11I'm not interested in laughs,
0:04:11 > 0:04:16what I'm aiming for is a temporary mass liberal consensus.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19That dissolves on contact with air.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22LAUGHTER
0:04:26 > 0:04:31I remember, when I first voted in the '80s, I voted Labour.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33Now I don't think I understood the issues,
0:04:33 > 0:04:36but I did love the guitar sound on Billy Bragg's first album.
0:04:38 > 0:04:42I'd like to vote Conservative now though and I'll tell you why.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44When I met my wife ten years ago, I wasn't really earning enough
0:04:44 > 0:04:47to pay tax, but I am now, so I would like to vote Conservative,
0:04:47 > 0:04:53so I can pay less or no tax, ideally I'd have to pay no tax at all.
0:04:53 > 0:04:58The money I've got, that's mine, and I want to keep all of that.
0:04:58 > 0:05:02And I don't want any of that to go to schools or hospitals
0:05:02 > 0:05:05or to help people less fortunate than me,
0:05:05 > 0:05:09either here or in Bongo Bongo Land.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11The money... that money's mine.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14And people say to me, "Don't you think you are lucky
0:05:14 > 0:05:17"getting certain professional breaks that have helped you to earn?"
0:05:17 > 0:05:20No, I don't think that comes into it.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22I think if you have to think, if you're earning,
0:05:22 > 0:05:24you have to think there's some divine cosmic justice at play,
0:05:24 > 0:05:27in which you're being rewarded
0:05:27 > 0:05:30and the poor are being punished for some crime or moral deficiency.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32And er...the money's mine.
0:05:32 > 0:05:36And people say, you know, "Don't you think you're being lucky
0:05:36 > 0:05:38"to be born a certain time in a certain class?"
0:05:38 > 0:05:40No. The money is mine. Now...
0:05:40 > 0:05:42LAUGHTER
0:05:42 > 0:05:44It's good to hear that getting laughs.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47It's clearly meant as an absurd notion.
0:05:47 > 0:05:51Three months ago, when I was doing this bit in Guildford,
0:05:51 > 0:05:54people sat there and said "At last, someone's put that into words."
0:05:54 > 0:05:57There was a...
0:05:57 > 0:05:59Yeah, they're laughing at you, Guildford, you idiots.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01It was a joke!
0:06:01 > 0:06:03And you all sat there, nodding along,
0:06:03 > 0:06:06like it was observational comedy about your...
0:06:06 > 0:06:09"Yes, that's what we think here in Guildford!
0:06:09 > 0:06:11"We're utter vermin!"
0:06:11 > 0:06:14LAUGHTER
0:06:14 > 0:06:17At the end of the day, it's comedy. It's entertainment.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20It's not meant to make sense or have a coherent argument
0:06:20 > 0:06:23or a through-line or a beginning or a middle or an end.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26Succession of unrelated things that are meant to provoke laughter
0:06:26 > 0:06:27in different ways.
0:06:27 > 0:06:32And I think to criticise me for failing...
0:06:32 > 0:06:35having... You say, "Oh, you haven't written an essay."
0:06:35 > 0:06:37That's like criticising a dog for not being a cat.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39It's not meant to be a cat.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42This is just... It's just a bit of fun at the end of the day.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44- This is just...- Keith Lemon.- Yeah.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47It was easy to vote Labour in the '80s, though,
0:06:47 > 0:06:49because there were lots of cool celebrities telling you to,
0:06:49 > 0:06:53weren't there, in the '80s? People like Bananarama
0:06:53 > 0:06:59and The Blow Monkeys and Mick Talbot, people like that.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02But, um...
0:07:02 > 0:07:07Mick Talbot from the Merton Parkas, remember?
0:07:07 > 0:07:10So, there were a lot of them.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12Some things, when you do a long run of shows,
0:07:12 > 0:07:15you have to have a bit that's just for you, really.
0:07:15 > 0:07:16So...
0:07:16 > 0:07:20LAUGHTER
0:07:20 > 0:07:22It's much harder now though, isn't it?
0:07:22 > 0:07:24I tell you what, I would vote Conservative
0:07:24 > 0:07:27if there were some cool celebrities voting Conservative.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29So, I looked it up on the internet and there's a lot more
0:07:29 > 0:07:32than you would have thought, actually. Some pretty good people...
0:07:32 > 0:07:35Voting Conservative.
0:07:35 > 0:07:39Peter Stringfellow is a Tory. I know?
0:07:39 > 0:07:41Wouldn't have thought that, would you?
0:07:41 > 0:07:44After everything he's done for the women's movement.
0:07:44 > 0:07:45LAUGHTER
0:07:45 > 0:07:51Pushing them up them poles. Towards the glass ceiling.
0:07:51 > 0:07:55Come on, that's better than that!
0:07:55 > 0:07:57Peter Stringfellow, a Tory, I couldn't believe it, I tell ya.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00From the colour of his face...
0:08:04 > 0:08:09I assumed he was a Liberal Democrat.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11That was weird, wasn't it?
0:08:11 > 0:08:15Different people laughing at different times.
0:08:15 > 0:08:20He's got a yellow sort of...
0:08:20 > 0:08:23sunbed face, hasn't he?
0:08:23 > 0:08:27Yellow is the colour of all the Liberal Democrats flags
0:08:27 > 0:08:30and things, all right. Now, fair enough,
0:08:30 > 0:08:31a lot of you, probably at home,
0:08:31 > 0:08:34probably filed the colour of the Liberal Democrats flags
0:08:34 > 0:08:38in the part of your brain marked 'things I'll never need to know again.'
0:08:38 > 0:08:41But you did need to know it again, didn't you, to get that joke,
0:08:41 > 0:08:43and you'll need it again in a bit...
0:08:43 > 0:08:47Because the third joke in this bit is...
0:08:47 > 0:08:50Who is the third celebrity on that list, sir?
0:08:50 > 0:08:54- Judith Chalmers. - Judith Chalmers. That's right.
0:08:54 > 0:08:58Now, SHE'S got a yellow face, as well
0:08:58 > 0:09:00and I'm going to do a joke about her
0:09:00 > 0:09:04that looks like it's going to be the same as the Liberal Democrats one,
0:09:04 > 0:09:07but then I go off in a different angle with it
0:09:07 > 0:09:11and you wouldn't have got that, if I'd hadn't explained this.
0:09:11 > 0:09:17Anyway, that's not the next joke. That's coming up in a bit.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20Gary Barlow is a Tory. From Take That.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22He's a good bloke, Gary Barlow. I might vote for them
0:09:22 > 0:09:25if he's a Tory. He's talented.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28He helped the Haitians as well, he's a nice bloke.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30And at the moment, Gary Barlow is actually planning to walk
0:09:30 > 0:09:34to the North Pole for charity. I hope he finds it though,
0:09:34 > 0:09:37because he couldn't find the Tax Office, could he?
0:09:37 > 0:09:39LAUGHTER
0:09:39 > 0:09:42Mind you, neither could Google.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45And they've got Google Maps.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50Judith Chalmers is a Tory!
0:09:50 > 0:09:53I couldn't believe it, I tell ya!
0:09:53 > 0:09:57From the colour of her face...
0:09:57 > 0:10:00I assumed that she was a urinal cake.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02LAUGHTER
0:10:02 > 0:10:05Applause for the urinal cake there, did you hear that?
0:10:05 > 0:10:10Good, I think the urinal cake is an inherently amusing thing, well done.
0:10:10 > 0:10:11But I'll tell you an interesting thing.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14As you travel around Britain doing this bit,
0:10:14 > 0:10:19people find urinal cake unanimously amusing up until about Birmingham.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21You go up into the north, people can go either way
0:10:21 > 0:10:23whether they find urinal cake funny or not.
0:10:23 > 0:10:27You get to Scotland, no-one's really laughing at urinal cake.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29And I think the reason for that is, in Scotland,
0:10:29 > 0:10:32people just really love cake, don't they?
0:10:32 > 0:10:35And you say urinal cake to a Scottish audience
0:10:35 > 0:10:39and they go "Well, it's still a cake.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43"How much urine is there in it?"
0:10:43 > 0:10:47LAUGHTER
0:10:50 > 0:10:54Helena Bonham Carter is a Tory. Well, she's friends with the Tories.
0:10:54 > 0:10:58There's that famous bit of film of her out on New Year's Day
0:10:58 > 0:11:00with David Cameron and Samantha Cameron
0:11:00 > 0:11:04and she spent New Year's Eve at their mansion in the Cotswolds.
0:11:04 > 0:11:08It's probably good fun spending New Year's Eve with the Camerons.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10They probably play lots of fun games, don't they?
0:11:10 > 0:11:15Like, they could hide their daughter in a pub toilet.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18And the first person to even remember that she exists
0:11:18 > 0:11:21gets shares in a Post Office.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24LAUGHTER
0:11:24 > 0:11:27But I'm surprised she's friends with the Tories, Helena Bonham Carter,
0:11:27 > 0:11:30because she's an artist and I'm not saying it's right or wrong.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33Artists do tend historically to be on the left.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36People on the right tend to be practical, level-headed, capable,
0:11:36 > 0:11:38unsentimental realists.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40People on the left tend to be people with dreams,
0:11:40 > 0:11:43hope, vision, imagination.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46You have to have imagination on the left, don't you?
0:11:46 > 0:11:49You have to be able to look at Ed Miliband and imagine
0:11:49 > 0:11:51that he represents anything other than the death
0:11:51 > 0:11:53of the post-war Socialist dream.
0:11:53 > 0:11:57LAUGHTER
0:11:57 > 0:11:59Ed Miliband. How did he manage that?
0:11:59 > 0:12:02How did he make the Labour Party less popular than under Blair?
0:12:02 > 0:12:05That's like catching a baby that's been thrown out of an aircraft
0:12:05 > 0:12:09and then tripping up and dropping it in a gutter.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11Series four is commissioned as you know
0:12:11 > 0:12:16and I'm sort of thinking, where now?
0:12:16 > 0:12:20And I think custard pies, funny noses, all those sorts of things.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23That's an area I've not worked in before.
0:12:23 > 0:12:28You're on your way to making yourself a physically funny object.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31Hmm.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33She's a good actress, though, Helena Bonham Carter.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36She's good in anything. She was even good in...
0:12:36 > 0:12:39like, rubbish things like The Planet of the Apes remake.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42The original Planet of the Apes is a brilliant film,
0:12:42 > 0:12:44if you've seen that, the original, it's fantastic.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47It's got an amazing shock, surprise ending.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50If you've not seen the original Planet of the Apes,
0:12:50 > 0:12:53it's got an amazing shock, surprise ending.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56What happens at the end of the original Planet of the Apes
0:12:56 > 0:12:59is that it turns out that, on their planet,
0:12:59 > 0:13:04the apes have made an exact replica of the Statue of Liberty.
0:13:04 > 0:13:08And it's never explained why.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11It's mad! And Charlton Heston is on the beach at the end,
0:13:11 > 0:13:15he's on his knees and going "Why? Why have you made this?"
0:13:15 > 0:13:19"Why, you dirty apes? Why have you made this statue?"
0:13:19 > 0:13:22"Why? It's a civilisation of apes!
0:13:22 > 0:13:26"Why would you... it's human... it's insane!"
0:13:26 > 0:13:29And the apes go, "I don't know, we've just done it."
0:13:29 > 0:13:31It's an amazing scene.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34It's one of the most iconic images of cinema.
0:13:34 > 0:13:38Completely meaningless, though. Stupid. But...
0:13:38 > 0:13:40It's based on a book, The Planet of the Apes,
0:13:40 > 0:13:42by a French post-war intellectual, Pierre Boulle.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45And the American guy who adapted it for the screen
0:13:45 > 0:13:48was not allowed to have an Oscar, because he was on a McCarthy blacklist
0:13:48 > 0:13:50for being a Communist party sympathiser.
0:13:50 > 0:13:54It's reasonable to assume, Planet of the Apes is a socialist fable.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57It's a kind of left-leaning satire of our society,
0:13:57 > 0:14:00in which the Orangutans, they're the governing elite.
0:14:00 > 0:14:03David Cameron, George Osborne, Boris Johnson types.
0:14:03 > 0:14:07The chimpanzees, they're the middle class liberal intelligentsia.
0:14:07 > 0:14:13People like Helena Bonham Carter, Robin Ince, Eric Cantona,
0:14:13 > 0:14:15people like that.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17LAUGHTER
0:14:17 > 0:14:22And the gorillas, they're the proletariat.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24People like Ray Winstone, Fred West
0:14:24 > 0:14:26and that woman who put the cat in the bin.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28LAUGHTER
0:14:28 > 0:14:32Filth. Scum.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34But, um,
0:14:34 > 0:14:38so, it's a satire of here, Planet of the Apes is the same as here,
0:14:38 > 0:14:40but there's apes in it. And that's what a satire is.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43If anyone ever says to you, "What's a satire?"
0:14:43 > 0:14:46and you want to look clever, what a satire is,
0:14:46 > 0:14:50a satire is when it's the same as here, but there's animals in it.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53LAUGHTER
0:14:53 > 0:14:57"What's a satire, Lee?" "It's when there's animals, sir."
0:14:57 > 0:15:01"That's right, go directly to Oxford."
0:15:01 > 0:15:04But that's what a satire is, when there's animals, think about it.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06Planet of the Apes, that's like here,
0:15:06 > 0:15:10but, instead of people, there's apes. Animals, that's satire.
0:15:10 > 0:15:15Parliament of the Fowls by Chaucer, that's like a parliament
0:15:15 > 0:15:18but, instead of people, there's birds. Animals, that's a satire.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21And the best satire of all, most people agree, the best,
0:15:21 > 0:15:23the most satirical one,
0:15:23 > 0:15:28the best at satirising things is Animal Farm by George Orwell.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30Because there's not just one animal in that,
0:15:30 > 0:15:33there's loads of different ones.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36A rabbit, I think.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38A fly.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41And...an ocelot.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43And that's...
0:15:43 > 0:15:49The ocelot's Hitler, I think and the others... I've not read it.
0:15:49 > 0:15:53But that's what a satire is, when there's animals.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55But don't get carried away, London,
0:15:55 > 0:15:58not everything with animals in it is a satire.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01Don't get carried away, people at home, if you're out and about
0:16:01 > 0:16:06and you see a little vole by the canal, cleaning its whiskers.
0:16:06 > 0:16:11Don't be looking at it thinking, "Is this supposed to be...
0:16:11 > 0:16:14"Theresa May?" It doesn't know.
0:16:14 > 0:16:18The vole doesn't know what that is, it's not interested.
0:16:18 > 0:16:23Not all animals are trying to satirise things, do you understand?
0:16:23 > 0:16:25No, all right, I'll give you an example.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27It's the middle of the afternoon,
0:16:27 > 0:16:30you're flicking around on the telly, you're in the high cable numbers,
0:16:30 > 0:16:32in the 500s, in the purgatorial wilderness of programmes
0:16:32 > 0:16:36from 20 years ago that go round in endless repeated loops.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39And suddenly, looming out of the telly, you see the young Ben Fogle,
0:16:39 > 0:16:4320 years ago, he looks the same as he does now. How does he do it?
0:16:43 > 0:16:47I think he's got a ravaged portrait of Joanna Lumley in his attic.
0:16:47 > 0:16:51He's there, Ben Fogle, it's 20 years ago, on this programme.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54He's at Longleat Safari Park, anyone remember this?
0:16:54 > 0:16:56He's got no veterinary training,
0:16:56 > 0:17:01but he's helping out all the animals at Longleat Safari Park
0:17:01 > 0:17:04on a programme, there's hundreds of episodes of it, called...?
0:17:04 > 0:17:07Anyone?
0:17:07 > 0:17:10- What?- Animal Safari Park.
0:17:10 > 0:17:15Not Animal Safari Park. It's called Animal Park. Not Animal Safari Park.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18But there's only one person in the room that remembers that programme
0:17:18 > 0:17:24and he doesn't remember it well enough to remember its name.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27Now, if you've not seen me before you're probably thinking,
0:17:27 > 0:17:30"Oh, dear, that's not a very good strike rate.
0:17:30 > 0:17:35"Surely the comedian won't do now a long routine about something
0:17:35 > 0:17:39"that no-one in the audience really has any working knowledge of?"
0:17:39 > 0:17:44Yes, I will do exactly that and I will do it with glee.
0:17:44 > 0:17:49Yeah, it's called Animal Park, and erm...
0:17:49 > 0:17:53You remember it, he used to be there helping out the animals
0:17:53 > 0:17:56and he's got no veterinary training, he's there...erm...
0:17:56 > 0:17:59I'm going to have to go to you on this one, sir, you're the only...
0:17:59 > 0:18:02He's got no veterinary training, Ben Fogle.
0:18:02 > 0:18:07He's got a young, sick, baby... What? What would you like?
0:18:07 > 0:18:10- He went to the toilet.- A what?
0:18:10 > 0:18:12He went to the toilet!
0:18:12 > 0:18:15LAUGHTER
0:18:15 > 0:18:18- What did he say? - He went to the toilet.
0:18:18 > 0:18:19He's gone to the toilet?
0:18:19 > 0:18:21LAUGHTER
0:18:25 > 0:18:29Do you see the fucking level of contempt there?
0:18:29 > 0:18:32There's a guy there, he knows that this is for a recording for telly.
0:18:32 > 0:18:36He's the only person in the room who can help me with this bit.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38And he's left, he's left leaving no-one
0:18:38 > 0:18:43with any working knowledge of Animal Park in the room.
0:18:43 > 0:18:47He's gone to the toilet. Not only that, you won't know this at home,
0:18:47 > 0:18:49before the recording started, I expressly forbid people
0:18:49 > 0:18:52from going to the toilet.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55Not only has he gone to the toilet in direct contravention
0:18:55 > 0:19:00of my instructions, but he has gone, taking with him a piece of knowledge
0:19:00 > 0:19:04which could have saved this whole bit!
0:19:04 > 0:19:07Can I just confirm as well that this is really happening?
0:19:07 > 0:19:10I don't want to go on the fucking internet and see,
0:19:10 > 0:19:13"Oh, it was brilliant when he faked that bloke going to the toilet."
0:19:13 > 0:19:14I haven't!
0:19:14 > 0:19:17An actual man, who was the only person here
0:19:17 > 0:19:19who knows what I am talking about, has left.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22LAUGHTER
0:19:22 > 0:19:27I'm not going to stand here like a tool, waiting for him to come back,
0:19:27 > 0:19:32with his knowledge of Ben Fogle's early animal-based documentary.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38The irony is, I've told the staff,
0:19:38 > 0:19:42if people walk out then not to let them back in,
0:19:42 > 0:19:44because it would disrupt the filming.
0:19:44 > 0:19:49But, ironically, it would have been a huge help if he had come back,
0:19:49 > 0:19:52he's the only person who knows what I'm talking about!
0:19:55 > 0:20:00Who would like to pretend to have watched Animal Park?
0:20:00 > 0:20:02You get the idea, it's an animal thing.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08You will. You've seen Animal Park, you know what it's like.
0:20:10 > 0:20:14Who are we talking about? I've forgotten. Ben Fogle, yeah.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17He's got no veterinary training. He's got a young, sick, baby...?
0:20:17 > 0:20:21Giraffe? Do You know what? I'm not going to accept giraffe because...
0:20:21 > 0:20:24I don't know why, I've been doing this bit on tour
0:20:24 > 0:20:27and people always say "giraffe" when they're asked to come up
0:20:27 > 0:20:30with an animal and I'm just a bit...
0:20:30 > 0:20:31I'm sick of doing it, to be honest.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34I know it's difficult cos you've stepped into the breach.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37What? A rhino? Yeah, that's all right.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43It's more in the... You know.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46No, a rhino's fine. Don't... It's all right.
0:20:46 > 0:20:47I appreciate you helping me out.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50I'm sorry to knock your first idea back.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53It seems ungrateful but...
0:20:53 > 0:20:56Rhinoceros, rhino. Yeah. I know what it is.
0:20:56 > 0:21:00LAUGHTER
0:21:03 > 0:21:06Young Ben Fogle, he's got a sick baby rhino.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08Still quite a big creature. He's struggling to cradle it.
0:21:08 > 0:21:12He senses something's wrong. He doesn't know what, he's got no veterinary training.
0:21:12 > 0:21:16Holds its mouth open, he spits Gaviscon into its mouth.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19He's got no veterinary training, doesn't know how to use a syringe.
0:21:19 > 0:21:23He drinks up the Gaviscon, he spits it into the rhino's mouth like that.
0:21:23 > 0:21:26It doesn't like it. Some has gone in its eyes. It goes, "Argh."
0:21:26 > 0:21:30The camera goes in tight on a Gaviscon-blinded rhino
0:21:30 > 0:21:32going, "Argh." Don't be looking at it thinking,
0:21:32 > 0:21:34"Oh, is this about the EU?
0:21:37 > 0:21:41"Is the rhino having a go at the Greek far right?"
0:21:41 > 0:21:43No. It doesn't know what that is.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46Not all animals are trying to satirise things.
0:21:46 > 0:21:48Do you understand what I'm...?
0:21:48 > 0:21:50No, you don't understand. I'll give you another example.
0:21:50 > 0:21:54It's the middle of the afternoon, you're flicking around in the high cable numbers.
0:21:54 > 0:21:57Look, it's Michaela Strachan from 20 years ago,
0:21:57 > 0:22:00helping out the animals on a programme called...?
0:22:00 > 0:22:03- Really Wild Show.- Really Wild Show. That's about 40 of you.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06Don't all go to the toilet. OK?
0:22:08 > 0:22:10En masse. All right?
0:22:10 > 0:22:13She's got no veterinary training, has she, Michaela Strachan?
0:22:13 > 0:22:16She's on The Really Wild Show. She's got a young, sick baby...
0:22:16 > 0:22:18- Whatever you like, come on. - Mongoose.- Mongoose.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22LAUGHTER
0:22:25 > 0:22:26She's got a mongoose.
0:22:27 > 0:22:30Michaela Strachan, she's got a young mongoose.
0:22:32 > 0:22:36She's got no veterinary training. There's something wrong with it.
0:22:36 > 0:22:40She smears Anusol on its face.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45Doesn't like it. It's going, "Argh!"
0:22:45 > 0:22:50The camera goes in tight on an Anusol-smeared mongoose.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55Don't be looking at it, going,
0:22:55 > 0:22:58"Oh, is this about Toby Young's free school movement?
0:23:01 > 0:23:04"Is it a satire of inequality in the education system?"
0:23:04 > 0:23:09No, it isn't. The Anusol-smeared mongoose has got no...
0:23:09 > 0:23:11It's got no... Do you...?
0:23:11 > 0:23:14Not all animals are trying to satirise things.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17Do you understand? "No, we don't." I'll give you another example.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19It's the middle of the afternoon, you're flicking...
0:23:19 > 0:23:23"Look, it's Johnny Morris from 40 years ago on...
0:23:23 > 0:23:25- Animal Magic.- Animal Magic, that's right. Animal Magic
0:23:25 > 0:23:27with Johnny Morris,
0:23:27 > 0:23:31the last 1970s children's TV entertainer still standing.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34He's there, Johnny Morris.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37He's dressed as a zoo keeper. There's nothing sinister about it,
0:23:37 > 0:23:40it's just an acting... He's not trying to trick anyone.
0:23:40 > 0:23:44And he's got no veterinary training, Johnny Morris.
0:23:44 > 0:23:47He's got a young, sick baby... Whatever you like, come on.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50- What?- Koala.- Koala.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53All right. What did you say?
0:23:53 > 0:23:54- Dragon.- Dragon.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56LAUGHTER
0:23:56 > 0:24:01I'm going to go with that cos we've had a lot of mammals today.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04What a lovely audience you are. That's fine.
0:24:04 > 0:24:08"Under the normal rules of improvisation, you would be obliged
0:24:08 > 0:24:10"to accept the first suggestion."
0:24:10 > 0:24:13That's what she's thinking, but she knows it's a live recording,
0:24:13 > 0:24:17I'm trying to get the very best for the licence payer at home.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20She's allowed me to take the slightly more interesting
0:24:20 > 0:24:23suggestion of dragon, even though it does fly in the rules
0:24:23 > 0:24:27of the Geneva Convention concerning improvisation in comedy.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30He's got a young, sick dragon, Johnny Morris.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33- What is the young form of a dragon, sir?- Baby dragon.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35Not a baby dragon. Before...
0:24:35 > 0:24:37- Egg.- Egg, yeah. That's what I'm...
0:24:37 > 0:24:40LAUGHTER
0:24:42 > 0:24:45There's Johnny Morris. He's dressed as a zoo keeper.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48He's got a dragon's egg, it's about this big. He's an old man,
0:24:48 > 0:24:50he's struggling with the dragon's egg.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53He's got no veterinary training. He listens to the egg.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55He can sense there's something wrong.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58There's a dragon inside saying, "Oh, I feel... I feel bloody awful."
0:24:58 > 0:25:02He doesn't know... He's got no veterinary training, Johnny.
0:25:02 > 0:25:03He just...
0:25:03 > 0:25:07He just drops it and he stabs the foetus to death...
0:25:07 > 0:25:09of the egg...
0:25:11 > 0:25:13..putting both the dragon and this routine
0:25:13 > 0:25:15out of its misery, let's face it.
0:25:17 > 0:25:21So, I'll tell you a weird thing. That bit about how I shouldn't have to pay tax
0:25:21 > 0:25:24cos if I'm earning money, I'm obviously better than anyone else,
0:25:24 > 0:25:28I wrote that in August as a kind of absurd position.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30But then in November, you may have noticed,
0:25:30 > 0:25:33Boris Johnson expressed that as an actual idea.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36LAUGHTER
0:25:36 > 0:25:39That is the weird... It's hard to do comedy at the moment
0:25:39 > 0:25:43because you think of something as, like, a sick joke
0:25:43 > 0:25:47and six months later, it comes out as actual Conservative policy,
0:25:47 > 0:25:49so it's difficult to keep ahead.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52Their main innovation, the current Tories, I think,
0:25:52 > 0:25:56is to be the world's first self-satirising party.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59The problem with that, of course, is it's doing me
0:25:59 > 0:26:01and all animals out of a job.
0:26:02 > 0:26:07Er, and I'm surprised at them...
0:26:07 > 0:26:10surprised to be honest cos it flies in the face
0:26:10 > 0:26:11of the free-market doctrine
0:26:11 > 0:26:15of farming government services out to independent providers.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20It's sad though, isn't it? What it means is somewhere,
0:26:20 > 0:26:24there's a gerbil who looks like Boris Johnson,
0:26:24 > 0:26:27kicking his heels because the actual Boris Johnson
0:26:27 > 0:26:29is much more ridiculous
0:26:29 > 0:26:32than a gerbil that looks like Boris Johnson.
0:26:33 > 0:26:36I want to pick up this idea about satire being something
0:26:36 > 0:26:37- when there's animals in it.- Right.
0:26:37 > 0:26:40- Can I ask you some yes or no questions?- Yep.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43- A Kleenex box with a shrew in it - satire?- No.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45- A wolf with a duck in it?- Yep.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48That's one small step for man,
0:26:48 > 0:26:52one giant leap for mankind.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54- A conker with a wasp in it?- Yep.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57- A glove box full of elks?- Satire.
0:26:57 > 0:27:01MUSIC: "Assault and Battery" by Hawkwind
0:27:03 > 0:27:06- Dum-Dum bullet with a woodlouse in it?- Satire.
0:27:06 > 0:27:08- A shipping container with a turtle?- Satire.
0:27:08 > 0:27:11- A toilet bowl full of goats?- Satire.
0:27:11 > 0:27:13SHOUTING
0:27:16 > 0:27:19- A limpet shell with a limpet in it? - That's doubly satirical
0:27:19 > 0:27:22to the point where it could almost be too serious.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30- George Osborne's eye with a ladybird in it?- Satirical.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33- An ostrich in a soda siphon? - That's satirical, yeah.
0:27:37 > 0:27:39A crow inside a swift?
0:27:39 > 0:27:42Yes, that works. They're two different birds.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44- Sausages?- Not on their own, no.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52George Clooney's blood vein with a baby swordfish?
0:27:52 > 0:27:53- Yes, that is satirical.- Is it?
0:27:53 > 0:27:55- That is satirical.- Is it? - Definitely, yeah.
0:27:55 > 0:27:59- Is it?!- Yeah.- OK. Good. Thanks.
0:27:59 > 0:28:01GUNSHOTS
0:28:01 > 0:28:04SCREAMING
0:28:12 > 0:28:15# So your thoughts, they were expecting
0:28:15 > 0:28:18# Assault and battery on the human anatomy
0:28:18 > 0:28:24# Assault and battery on the human anatomy, man... #