0:00:02 > 0:00:06This programme contains adult humour.
0:00:06 > 0:00:09People feel stand-up comedy is about attack. They say, "What are your targets?
0:00:09 > 0:00:13"What are you going to attack?" The older I get, I realise that I'm attacking myself.
0:00:13 > 0:00:16Not verbally or intellectually but just physically, with various
0:00:16 > 0:00:20levels of unfitness, lack of exercise and a general sloth.
0:00:20 > 0:00:22And I think it would be interesting to see how far you can go
0:00:22 > 0:00:25with that and what comes out the other side.
0:00:25 > 0:00:27This is an extraordinary, if I may say so,
0:00:27 > 0:00:30confused blend of real, genuine danger that
0:00:30 > 0:00:34- you're putting yourself in and totally artificial shtick.- Mmm.
0:00:36 > 0:00:37APPLAUSE
0:00:37 > 0:00:39Thank you...I know.
0:00:39 > 0:00:43So, erm, I was in another cab, right?
0:00:43 > 0:00:46I don't just go around in... I don't just go around in cabs.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48It's just that I mainly look after kids or do gigs,
0:00:48 > 0:00:51so the only time I get to talk to adults and get
0:00:51 > 0:00:54ideas for routines is if I pay them to drive me around, basically.
0:00:54 > 0:00:55LAUGHTER
0:00:55 > 0:00:58Anyway, I was in another cab and in the front of the cab the guy
0:00:58 > 0:01:01had all England flags and EDL stuff, I thought, "Here we go".
0:01:01 > 0:01:04I judged him, basically.
0:01:04 > 0:01:05Which you shouldn't do.
0:01:05 > 0:01:08My grandad always said, "You should never judge a book by its cover."
0:01:08 > 0:01:11And it's for that reason that he lost his job as chair
0:01:11 > 0:01:13of the British Book Cover Awards panel.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15LAUGHTER
0:01:19 > 0:01:21I can write jokes, I just choose not to.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23LAUGHTER
0:01:23 > 0:01:28Anyway, the bloke's started out with all this BNP type stuff.
0:01:28 > 0:01:32And I got a bit... I got more bored than annoyed by it in the end,
0:01:32 > 0:01:33to be honest.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36In the end, I said to him, "You know what? I'm going to get out here."
0:01:36 > 0:01:40I said, "Stop the car and don't expect a tip...my wife is black."
0:01:40 > 0:01:42Now, she isn't black.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45But if she was, I'm sure she would have been very annoyed by what
0:01:45 > 0:01:47that cab driver had to say.
0:01:47 > 0:01:51Or maybe not, maybe she would have engaged with him
0:01:51 > 0:01:53and used her intelligence and her personality
0:01:53 > 0:01:57and her sense of humour to, sort of, talk him out of his prejudices.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59I hope so.
0:01:59 > 0:02:00I hope that's the kind of woman
0:02:00 > 0:02:03my imaginary black wife would have been.
0:02:03 > 0:02:04LAUGHTER
0:02:08 > 0:02:12Not like my real wife, my white wife, as I call her.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14LAUGHTER
0:02:17 > 0:02:19She's Irish, so she probably would just have been drunk
0:02:19 > 0:02:21and hit the bloke.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23Absolutely awful.
0:02:23 > 0:02:27But my black, imaginary wife, what's she like?
0:02:27 > 0:02:28I tell you what, she's very...
0:02:28 > 0:02:30LAUGHTER
0:02:32 > 0:02:34..very laid-back, cool,
0:02:34 > 0:02:36chilled out sort of person.
0:02:36 > 0:02:40She's very good with the children, she never gets riled up by them.
0:02:40 > 0:02:44My real Irish wife, if it's after six o'clock, forget it.
0:02:44 > 0:02:49She's drunk, violent, aggressive, incoherent, religious bigot.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51LAUGHTER
0:02:54 > 0:02:56I won't negotiate with her.
0:02:56 > 0:02:57LAUGHTER
0:03:00 > 0:03:03Or with any of them, to be honest.
0:03:03 > 0:03:07But my black, imaginary wife...
0:03:07 > 0:03:10When we first met it was difficult
0:03:10 > 0:03:13because back then people in the UK were more suspicious
0:03:13 > 0:03:17of mixed-race relationships but it's much better now.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20And also, it's easy, because it doesn't...it's not real,
0:03:20 > 0:03:23I've imagined it. So, I don't really know what it's like.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26It's sort of patronising, liberal delusion.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28LAUGHTER
0:03:31 > 0:03:34I was in another cab on the day that the House of Lords were
0:03:34 > 0:03:36discussing the gay marriage bill.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39And the cab driver, who as it turned out was a Hindu,
0:03:39 > 0:03:43he said to me he was against sexual unions of people of the same
0:03:43 > 0:03:45gender on religious grounds.
0:03:45 > 0:03:49I thought to myself, I thought, "I wonder which Hindu god it is
0:03:49 > 0:03:52"objects to the sexual union of two people of the same gender.
0:03:52 > 0:03:56"I do hope it's the Hindu god that looks like the result
0:03:56 > 0:03:59"of the sexual union of a human and an elephant."
0:03:59 > 0:04:01LAUGHTER
0:04:03 > 0:04:06But I didn't think of that at the time, I'm not funny in real life.
0:04:06 > 0:04:10I thought of it... I thought of it when I got home
0:04:10 > 0:04:13and I wrote it on my desk and I learned it and I've come
0:04:13 > 0:04:15and I've said it to you tonight.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18And I've learned this, as well, that I'm saying now and written that.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20And this now, I've written that and learned that.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23And this, just going like that going like that, ehh...
0:04:23 > 0:04:25I've learned that and I've written that
0:04:25 > 0:04:27and this now, I've learned this.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30And this, and this now...and this.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33And just going...ehh, I've written that and learned that.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35Everything's written and learnt.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38So, I didn't say that, I said to him, "Do you know what?"
0:04:38 > 0:04:41I said, "Stop the car, I'm going to get out here
0:04:41 > 0:04:44"and don't expect a tip, my wife is a man.'
0:04:44 > 0:04:46LAUGHTER
0:04:49 > 0:04:51Now, he isn't a man, he's a woman.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53But if he was a man,
0:04:53 > 0:04:57I'm sure he would have been very offended by that Hindu cab driver.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00Or maybe not, maybe he would have engaged with him
0:05:00 > 0:05:02and tried to laugh him
0:05:02 > 0:05:05out of his prejudices using his sense of humour.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08Cos you know what? They've got a hilarious sense of humour,
0:05:08 > 0:05:09- haven't they? - LAUGHTER
0:05:09 > 0:05:13The gays...very witty, acerbic,
0:05:13 > 0:05:16caustic sense of humour, the gays.
0:05:16 > 0:05:20Not like my imaginary black wife, she's very serious,
0:05:20 > 0:05:25or my real white, Irish wife, who as I've said, is a violent hooligan.
0:05:25 > 0:05:29A harridan...little better than a gutter thug.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31LAUGHTER
0:05:31 > 0:05:35But my gay imaginary wife is absolutely hilarious,
0:05:35 > 0:05:39he's the funniest person I've ever met.
0:05:39 > 0:05:43He should have his own chat show, they should try that.
0:05:43 > 0:05:48He's so funny, I reckon, after five minutes alone with him,
0:05:48 > 0:05:52that Hindu cab driver would have opened his own Grindr account.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54- He's hilarious! - LAUGHTER
0:05:54 > 0:05:57He's fantastic, I love him. I love all my wives, they're all great.
0:05:57 > 0:05:58Now...
0:05:58 > 0:06:00LAUGHTER
0:06:00 > 0:06:03..one night I ate too much cheese
0:06:03 > 0:06:06and I know, I can see you thinking,
0:06:06 > 0:06:07"We can see that, mate.
0:06:07 > 0:06:11"We can see you've been at the cheese since the last series."
0:06:11 > 0:06:15And in your mind's eye you are probably picturing me
0:06:15 > 0:06:17eating a massive block of cheese.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19I'm not a pig. I wouldn't do that.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22I'd eat that much cheese but I'm a connoisseur of cheese.
0:06:22 > 0:06:26I'd eat that amount but little bits from all different types of cheese.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28I absolutely love cheese.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30I love cheese, I love cheeses.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32I love all the different cheeses.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35LAUGHTER
0:06:46 > 0:06:49PROLONGED LAUGHTER
0:06:54 > 0:06:56Red Leicester.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58LAUGHTER
0:07:03 > 0:07:05All the cheeses, I love all of them.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07So...
0:07:09 > 0:07:13..one night I ate too much cheese and my black imaginary wife
0:07:13 > 0:07:17and my gay imaginary wife, well, they met in my sub-conscious.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20Now, they both knew about my real white, Irish wife,
0:07:20 > 0:07:22but they didn't know about each other.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24And the shit hit the fan!
0:07:24 > 0:07:26My black imaginary wife was stomping around.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29My gay imaginary man wife, he was going,
0:07:29 > 0:07:34"What if your real white, Irish wife were to find out about all this?
0:07:34 > 0:07:36"I wonder if your marriage would survive?"
0:07:36 > 0:07:39And it was at that moment, I realised, I had no option
0:07:39 > 0:07:41but to murder both of them.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43LAUGHTER
0:07:43 > 0:07:46Now, in my mind that's the punch line of that bit
0:07:46 > 0:07:48but it never gets a huge laugh.
0:07:49 > 0:07:55And, I think, the problem is that the character of the black imaginary wife
0:07:55 > 0:07:59and the gay imaginary wife are so richly drawn, aren't they?
0:07:59 > 0:08:04They're so three dimensional. They avoid all the usual stereotyping.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07And I think it's as if you know them
0:08:07 > 0:08:10and you've got a very real relationship with them.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12You're going, "No, don't take them away."
0:08:12 > 0:08:14LAUGHTER
0:08:14 > 0:08:17So little is expected from a stand-up comedian.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19They're viewed with contempt
0:08:19 > 0:08:23and thought of as the very lowest form of entertainer, I think.
0:08:23 > 0:08:29And so, if you, like, bring in the slightest illusion of thought
0:08:29 > 0:08:32or intelligence, you appear to be some sort of genius.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35It's interesting, I think that's part of the cocktail of what
0:08:35 > 0:08:38you present to people that makes them constantly unable to
0:08:38 > 0:08:42rest, is that at one time you're destroying yourself physically and
0:08:42 > 0:08:46yet almost in the same breath you will describe yourself as a genius.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49- Yeah.- Which you have just done.- Maybe, yeah.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51I mean you have to, surely you have to,
0:08:51 > 0:08:54otherwise where do you get the nerve to even begin this stuff?
0:08:54 > 0:08:57Well, it's a...it's a...well, from drinking.
0:08:57 > 0:09:01It's a Dutch confidence, I think it's called, and I feel
0:09:01 > 0:09:03if I can get out there,
0:09:03 > 0:09:08if I can just stay upright for half an hour, keep talking,
0:09:08 > 0:09:11shout over any interruptions, I can probably get through it.
0:09:12 > 0:09:16Now...because I'm better than you,
0:09:16 > 0:09:22I live here in multicultural Hackney, in North-East London.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25Which means that I interact with people of different races, creeds,
0:09:25 > 0:09:29cultures, backgrounds, whatever, often two or three times a week.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31And this...
0:09:31 > 0:09:33LAUGHTER
0:09:33 > 0:09:37..coupled with talking to loads of racist cab drivers,
0:09:37 > 0:09:41gives me a massive overview of the notion of offence
0:09:41 > 0:09:43in contemporary British society.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46Here's two examples. Where I live in Hackney on our street,
0:09:46 > 0:09:49there used to be a jazz club in an old medieval building
0:09:49 > 0:09:51and I used to go there a lot.
0:09:51 > 0:09:55Not to watch normal jazz, I used to go to see the experimental, improvised free jazz.
0:09:55 > 0:09:59And then, one day, this building got bought by Nando's who were
0:09:59 > 0:10:02going to knock it down and make a Nando's.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05So, me and my wife, we joined the anti-Nando's campaign.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08And one day a black woman I know was walking along the street
0:10:08 > 0:10:10and she saw me and she came up to me and said,
0:10:10 > 0:10:14"Oh, I see you've joined the anti-Nando's campaign."
0:10:14 > 0:10:17And I went, "Yes", and I assumed the body language
0:10:17 > 0:10:18of a man awaiting praise.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20LAUGHTER
0:10:20 > 0:10:25And she said to me, "Shame on you!" And I said, "What?"
0:10:25 > 0:10:29And she said, "I notice you didn't complain when the Chinese restaurant opened."
0:10:29 > 0:10:31I couldn't work out what was going on, I said, "What's going on?"
0:10:31 > 0:10:34Turned out, the assumption is that Nando's is popular with
0:10:34 > 0:10:37the black community in North-East London, I didn't really know that.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40And she thought I didn't want a Nando's opening
0:10:40 > 0:10:42because I didn't want black people eating on my street.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45And I said to her, "No, that isn't the case at all.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47"We're trying to save the jazz club.
0:10:47 > 0:10:51"And jazz is a black music, so I'm not racist at all."
0:10:51 > 0:10:53LAUGHTER
0:10:54 > 0:10:57And she said, "Jazz IS a black music,"
0:10:57 > 0:11:00she said, "but not the sort of jazz that you like."
0:11:00 > 0:11:02LAUGHTER
0:11:05 > 0:11:07"The free, improvised, experimental jazz,"
0:11:07 > 0:11:12she said, "though it has its roots in the innovations of black
0:11:12 > 0:11:17"performers like Sunny Murray or Albert Ayler, its chief sphere
0:11:17 > 0:11:21"of influence is drawn from the white, European post-war avant-garde."
0:11:26 > 0:11:29- IMITATES WEST INDIAN ACCENT: - Bombaclat.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31LAUGHTER
0:11:31 > 0:11:33Good to be back in multicultural London
0:11:33 > 0:11:36and get a laugh for that line.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39I was doing this bit in Edinburgh in August,
0:11:39 > 0:11:43I say that, people just looking around going, "Oh, dear, is that racist?"
0:11:43 > 0:11:46They look around to see if there's anyone to check with
0:11:46 > 0:11:47and, of course, there isn't.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49LAUGHTER
0:11:49 > 0:11:52So it's good to be back in London where everyone should live.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55LAUGHTER
0:11:55 > 0:11:57To be fair, I've been slightly unfair with that joke.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00Obviously, that woman had had experience of actual prejudice.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03Enough to assume I was being prejudiced, which I understand.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05Although I don't think you should judge people.
0:12:05 > 0:12:09My grandad always said, "Judge not, lest ye be judged."
0:12:09 > 0:12:13And it was for that reason...that he
0:12:13 > 0:12:18lost his job as Lord Chief Justice
0:12:18 > 0:12:20of England and Wales.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22LAUGHTER
0:12:22 > 0:12:26Terrible waste of public money to appoint him with that...
0:12:26 > 0:12:28Utterly irresponsible.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31Even the most cursory check of his employment record would have
0:12:31 > 0:12:36revealed that he had a lifelong pathological aversion to any
0:12:36 > 0:12:39job involving judgment of any sort.
0:12:40 > 0:12:44What's the first, most racist joke you would say?
0:12:44 > 0:12:46The first, most racist joke?
0:12:46 > 0:12:48If I was going to do a racist set,
0:12:48 > 0:12:51I'd like to make sure that I've offended everyone.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53And I think if you offend everyone,
0:12:53 > 0:12:55that's the same as not offending anyone.
0:12:55 > 0:12:59But you have to start right back, all through time.
0:12:59 > 0:13:03So, I'd probably do the Samarians or the Incas.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05Some people like that.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08Would you really let Australopithecus have it?
0:13:08 > 0:13:09Yeah, I would.
0:13:09 > 0:13:15I'd particularly go for them and all forms of early man, Ice Age man.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18I would mock the cave paintings of the Ice Age man
0:13:18 > 0:13:20and their primitive sculptures.
0:13:20 > 0:13:24The title of the show is - it's two hours long, it's live -
0:13:24 > 0:13:29A Hard Of Hearing Man Mocks Every Race That's Ever Existed In Chronological Order.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31That would be the title of it.
0:13:33 > 0:13:34Wembley Arena?
0:13:34 > 0:13:38Wembley Arena, long running West End hit.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40Course, now the Nando's has opened, I love it.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42I love Nando's, I go there all the time.
0:13:42 > 0:13:46Jesus Christ, it's made me really fat, going to Nando's.
0:13:46 > 0:13:51The problem is I do like jazz more than Nando's though.
0:13:51 > 0:13:56The conflict of interest I would have would be if Nando's were
0:13:56 > 0:13:59to invent some kind of jazz chicken.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01By which I mean a chicken, which
0:14:01 > 0:14:06while still recognisably a chicken, used improvisation and chance
0:14:06 > 0:14:10procedure to operate at the very limits of what a chicken could be.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13LAUGHTER
0:14:19 > 0:14:22For my money, that's the best joke in the series, right?
0:14:22 > 0:14:26It's gone all right here but not great. It's gone all right.
0:14:27 > 0:14:33Makes me die a little inside to just have that go all right.
0:14:33 > 0:14:34But I'm a professional,
0:14:34 > 0:14:38I'm just going to press on into the rest of the routine.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41So, erm...
0:14:41 > 0:14:43Here's another example of what I'm talking about.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46I was in Dalston, right, in East London.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49I was driving down Dalston High Road.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51I was going slowly because there were loads of potholes
0:14:51 > 0:14:54and my wife was pregnant at the time, it was about three years back.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57And I got to Dalston Junction...
0:14:57 > 0:15:00Now, right, I know this is going to go out on the telly
0:15:00 > 0:15:03and already, what will be happening is there will be people in Scotland
0:15:03 > 0:15:06e-mailing in and Twittering in and stuff like that and going,
0:15:06 > 0:15:09- BAD SCOTTISH ACCENT:- "How dare you, you mentioned..."
0:15:09 > 0:15:12I can't do all the voices, but they are going to be going,
0:15:12 > 0:15:15"How dare you mention Dalston.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17"I don't know where that is.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20"How am I supposed to understand your joke
0:15:20 > 0:15:23"when there's a place name in London I've never...
0:15:23 > 0:15:26"I've never heard of that.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29"It's absolutely outrageous that you would do that.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31"It's so London-centric."
0:15:31 > 0:15:32What I say...
0:15:34 > 0:15:39What I say to the Scots, that's who that was,
0:15:39 > 0:15:43who say, "What is Dalston like?"
0:15:43 > 0:15:44It's all right. It can be a bit rough,
0:15:44 > 0:15:46can be a bit violent sometimes.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48Dalston's like the 90% of Edinburgh
0:15:48 > 0:15:51that the Scots keep hidden behind that rock.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56All your tourists walking around, aren't they,
0:15:56 > 0:15:58"Let's go in the tea shop, that's nice.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01"Let's go in the museum. Let's walk up Arthur's Seat...
0:16:01 > 0:16:04"Aagh!"
0:16:04 > 0:16:06"They spat heroin into my face!"
0:16:09 > 0:16:12Just get over it. It's obvious what I'm talking about.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14It's just a bit of town.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16You don't have to be from a place to understand...
0:16:16 > 0:16:20I know what the Loch Ness Monster is, I'm not from Scotland,
0:16:20 > 0:16:22but I know what that is.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25Lot of people think the Loch Ness Monster doesn't exist,
0:16:25 > 0:16:27don't they, actually? Now, I don't know anything
0:16:27 > 0:16:32about zoology, biology, geology,
0:16:32 > 0:16:38geography, marine biology, crypto-zoology,
0:16:38 > 0:16:45evolutionary theory, evolutionary biology, meteorology,
0:16:45 > 0:16:50limnology, history, herpetology,
0:16:50 > 0:16:54palaeontology or archaeology,
0:16:54 > 0:16:57but I think...
0:17:10 > 0:17:13..what if a dinosaur had got in the lake?
0:17:22 > 0:17:28It would live there for a million years just eating mud...
0:17:28 > 0:17:31Could have done.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34Maybe there's like a family and over through history
0:17:34 > 0:17:37became their job to warn it of danger
0:17:37 > 0:17:40and they had a bagpipe and they would go...
0:17:40 > 0:17:42HE MIMICS BAGPIPE
0:17:42 > 0:17:48"Loch Ness Monster, look out! The scientists are coming.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54"And they've got a radar.
0:17:56 > 0:17:57"Go in a crack."
0:18:03 > 0:18:08So I was at Dalston Junction...
0:18:08 > 0:18:10I didn't really know where I was going,
0:18:10 > 0:18:12so I was dawdling at Dalston Junction.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15And you must never dawdle at Dalston Junction, Scotland,
0:18:15 > 0:18:19because if you dawdle, if you dawdle at Dalston Junction,
0:18:19 > 0:18:22one of two things is going to happen.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24You're either going to be shot in the face
0:18:24 > 0:18:28or you're going to have a satirical anti-capitalist graffiti mural
0:18:28 > 0:18:33sprayed on you by a white, middle-class, art-school dropout.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38And which one of those two things happens depends on which way
0:18:38 > 0:18:42the tide of gentrification is flowing that week.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45So I was at Dalston Junction, I was dawdling, I was holding up
0:18:45 > 0:18:49the traffic and a black guy pulled up alongside me in a car and he
0:18:49 > 0:18:52wound down the window and he shouted at me in a jaunty, encouraging,
0:18:52 > 0:18:55not unfriendly sort of way, he shouted,
0:18:55 > 0:18:57"Come on, move your ass, nigga."
0:18:59 > 0:19:01Now, as a white, middle-class liberal,
0:19:01 > 0:19:04I have terrible anxieties about the use of that word.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06And the Football Association, for example,
0:19:06 > 0:19:09have struggled terribly with that word in recent years.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12As they have, to be fair, with all words.
0:19:17 > 0:19:21Unless they're a synonym for the phrase, "Ah, the lad's done well."
0:19:23 > 0:19:26Race is a hot potato in football, ongoing one.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29Reg Hunter, who is a black comedian, he got in trouble for using
0:19:29 > 0:19:32the N-word at a football do, and David Bernstein,
0:19:32 > 0:19:36the then-head of the FA, he said the word was unacceptable,
0:19:36 > 0:19:38irrespective of context.
0:19:38 > 0:19:43And I completely understand the genuine anxiety behind the thinking.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46But far be it from me
0:19:46 > 0:19:49to take issue with a footballer's grasp of semantics...
0:19:52 > 0:19:54..but can you have a context-free word?
0:19:58 > 0:20:02Can you have a word, the meaning of which,
0:20:02 > 0:20:06has no relationship with the meaning of the words around it?
0:20:06 > 0:20:11Isn't that just what language is? I don't know.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14Can you have a context-free word?
0:20:14 > 0:20:18If you call a tree a twat in a forest...
0:20:23 > 0:20:28..and there's no-one there from the FA to adjudicate,
0:20:28 > 0:20:32how do you know if that's offensive?
0:20:32 > 0:20:38If you shout "tits" at a shrub, in a cellar, is that wrong?
0:20:42 > 0:20:49If Ricky Gervais shouts "mong" in a forest, over and over again,
0:20:49 > 0:20:52and there's no Americans there to tell him he's a genius...
0:20:57 > 0:21:01..is that then offensive? I don't know.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05Can you have a context-free word?
0:21:05 > 0:21:08And if you can have a context-free word,
0:21:08 > 0:21:11what does that say about my experience of a black man calling me
0:21:11 > 0:21:15the N-word in an apparently friendly way in multicultural Dalston?
0:21:15 > 0:21:17Was it an insult, was it a compliment,
0:21:17 > 0:21:19was it a case of mistaken identity?
0:21:19 > 0:21:21I've got no idea whatsoever.
0:21:21 > 0:21:25I don't understand what's going on.
0:21:25 > 0:21:31If you want certainties, you have to go and see Roy 'Chubby' Brown.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34In his new touring show, An Evening Of Certainty.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38The advertising strap-line,
0:21:38 > 0:21:40"Leave the same as you arrived, only more so."
0:21:45 > 0:21:48I don't know. I don't know.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50But what I say to footballers is this.
0:21:50 > 0:21:55Footballers, do not attempt to advise writers and artists
0:21:55 > 0:22:02on the way that words and sounds become couriers for nuanced meaning.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05And we won't attempt to advise you on how best to change ends
0:22:05 > 0:22:08at half-time with a drunk teenager in a hotel penthouse.
0:22:10 > 0:22:14Now, this is exactly the sort of thing that I'm talking about.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16There was laughs, wasn't there, applause
0:22:16 > 0:22:19and some anxious sort of booing over there.
0:22:19 > 0:22:23And I think I know what's going on, the audience, generally here,
0:22:23 > 0:22:26they thought, "We understand the thrust of this, broadly.
0:22:26 > 0:22:30"He's asking questions about the relative merits of misogyny
0:22:30 > 0:22:32"and racism in football culture.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35"We understand there's a broadly liberal thrust to the joke.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37"But we're uncomfortable, Stew,
0:22:37 > 0:22:40"about the violence of the imagery contained within it."
0:22:40 > 0:22:45I understand that and I'm very alert to taste issues in stand-up.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47I've been trying to think how best to deal with taste issues
0:22:47 > 0:22:50in stand-up, and to that end, I've been watching
0:22:50 > 0:22:54Jimmy Carr on Channel 4's Ten O'Clock Live and I know now
0:22:54 > 0:22:57if you've got a joke and you're not sure about the taste implications
0:22:57 > 0:23:01that it throws up, when you've said it, at the end, you just go...
0:23:34 > 0:23:37And that's the same as having thought about it.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48I'm a huge fan of political correctness, I think it's
0:23:48 > 0:23:50a great contribution to sort of public discourse.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53But I also love swearing and offence.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56Some people are brilliant at swearing.
0:23:56 > 0:24:00The best person at swearing I ever met was my father,
0:24:00 > 0:24:02who was hilarious.
0:24:02 > 0:24:06He was to swearing what Miles Davis was to the trumpet.
0:24:06 > 0:24:11What the desert wind is to the sandstone rocks.
0:24:11 > 0:24:15What Simon Cowell is to shattered dreams and crushed hopes.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17He was a poet, an artist, a sculptor.
0:24:17 > 0:24:22And the single most offensive sentence I ever heard him say...
0:24:22 > 0:24:26He said it on the gangplank of a pleasure cruiser
0:24:26 > 0:24:29in Greenwich Harbour in May 2002.
0:24:31 > 0:24:37This amazing sentence, which managed to be simultaneously both sexist,
0:24:37 > 0:24:41racist, sizeist and blasphemous
0:24:41 > 0:24:45and yet it contained only eight words.
0:24:50 > 0:24:55Five of which were abusive and the remaining three were a preposition,
0:24:55 > 0:25:00a pronoun and the verb "look".
0:25:02 > 0:25:05Which, working in the moment, to be fair,
0:25:05 > 0:25:09he had not managed to make offensive, but I think given time
0:25:09 > 0:25:11he would have come up with something.
0:25:11 > 0:25:13It was an amazing, amazing sentence.
0:25:13 > 0:25:16And now if, right, if there was just us here,
0:25:16 > 0:25:18the live audience in this room,
0:25:18 > 0:25:21I could probably say this sentence because you've had to go
0:25:21 > 0:25:25to some difficulty in getting tickets for the live recording.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27I sort of trust you to some extent to understand that I'm not...
0:25:27 > 0:25:30If I was to say that sentence, I wouldn't necessarily
0:25:30 > 0:25:33be endorsing it, I'm just putting it out there for your consideration.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35The problem is this is on television,
0:25:35 > 0:25:37we've no idea who is out there watching this.
0:25:37 > 0:25:41There could be literally anyone they allow to watch television.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44There could be journalists there watching it,
0:25:44 > 0:25:48who will remove all the cushioning I've put around the sentence
0:25:48 > 0:25:49and strip it back
0:25:49 > 0:25:52to a kind of clickbait piece of controversy so I actually can't...
0:25:52 > 0:25:56I can't say the sentence. It can't be let out into the world.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59Although the irony is, in the last 20 minutes,
0:25:59 > 0:26:02I have said every single word in that sentence.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05Although none of you found them offensive
0:26:05 > 0:26:07because of the context in which they were used.
0:26:15 > 0:26:18I mean you ridicule the idea of a context-free word.
0:26:18 > 0:26:23But you're worried about a word being taken out of context.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26- Yeah.- Now if you take a word out of context
0:26:26 > 0:26:29and put it in another context,
0:26:29 > 0:26:33then surely for a moment it's got no context.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35While it's in transit?
0:26:35 > 0:26:36Yeah.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38Yeah, if you could grab it at that point
0:26:38 > 0:26:41and see what it tasted like, then you would know
0:26:41 > 0:26:43whether you could have a context-free word or not.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46Well, here's perhaps more food for doubt.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49What about what happens to words when you're asleep?
0:26:49 > 0:26:50Yeah...
0:26:53 > 0:26:57MUSIC: "Prelude in E Minor" by Frederic Chopin