0:00:02 > 0:00:07This programme contains some strong language
0:00:07 > 0:00:10What I would like to talk about tonight is property, wealth
0:00:10 > 0:00:12and poverty on both a national and a global level.
0:00:12 > 0:00:14I am aware this is supposed to be a comedy show,
0:00:14 > 0:00:17so I'm just going to open with ten minutes of jokes about dogs.
0:00:17 > 0:00:20But as they proceed you'll realise that actually I've been talking
0:00:20 > 0:00:22about poverty all along.
0:00:22 > 0:00:24It's very clever...
0:00:24 > 0:00:27Now, we love dogs, don't we? Oh, yeah, we love dogs.
0:00:27 > 0:00:28Man's best friend.
0:00:28 > 0:00:31Man's best friend, but only if your best friend
0:00:31 > 0:00:34is the sort of person who defecates in a children's play area,
0:00:34 > 0:00:39licks their own genitals in public and bites a toddler's face off.
0:00:39 > 0:00:42A Premiership footballer, basically.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44Or Dappy from N-Dubz.
0:00:45 > 0:00:46I don't know who that is.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52A child told me to say that.
0:00:53 > 0:00:58Now, my uncle used to like to groom dogs, by which I mean
0:00:58 > 0:01:01he would go on the internet and he would visit...
0:01:01 > 0:01:06He would visit websites frequented by dogs
0:01:06 > 0:01:09whilst pretending to be a much younger dog.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11Now, it was never going to work out.
0:01:11 > 0:01:15In the flesh, there's no way that a 57-year-old ice cream man
0:01:15 > 0:01:19could pass himself off as a three-year-old King Charles Spaniel.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23Even with his elaborate and expensive home-made costume.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28Some big laughs for that.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31But there's also, in areas of the room, no laughs, aren't there?
0:01:31 > 0:01:34Quite interesting. People that are laughing, what they've done,
0:01:34 > 0:01:37they've just taken a little time out to imagine what that costume
0:01:37 > 0:01:40would be like, and the process involved in its manufacture.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43They've imagined an elderly ice cream man knitting
0:01:43 > 0:01:45all the felt together, they've pictured that
0:01:45 > 0:01:48and they've got extra free laughs in their own heads.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50Those of you that are sitting at home,
0:01:50 > 0:01:53and I expect there's a lot of you, going, "What are they laughing at?"
0:01:53 > 0:01:56That's because, what you've done, you've just sat there, haven't you?
0:01:56 > 0:01:59I've said, "Even with his expensive and elaborate home-made costume,"
0:01:59 > 0:02:03and you've just gone, "Oh, he's finished saying that sentence."
0:02:05 > 0:02:08"What sentence will he say next, I wonder?"
0:02:08 > 0:02:09It's not like that.
0:02:09 > 0:02:13With my act, a lot of it happens in the spaces, it's suggestion.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15So you can carry on watching if you like
0:02:15 > 0:02:17but you need to raise your game.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23Now, I hate dogs, I'll tell you why.
0:02:23 > 0:02:27Cos I've got kids and every day they step on the pavement,
0:02:27 > 0:02:30they step in the dog excrement, they jump up and down and they shout,
0:02:30 > 0:02:33"Poo poo poo on my shoe shoe shoe."
0:02:33 > 0:02:35They're 28 years old.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38All kids in jokes are 28 years old.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40When will you learn?
0:02:44 > 0:02:45It's not their fault, is it?
0:02:45 > 0:02:48If kids see something brown and sticky, they're either going
0:02:48 > 0:02:50to step in it or eat it, which annoys me because they won't eat
0:02:50 > 0:02:54the delicious, gourmet, middle-class meals that I cook for them.
0:02:54 > 0:02:58"Come on, eat your desiccated squid and marinated fennel
0:02:58 > 0:03:01"or you won't be allowed to watch Akira Kurosawa's Throne of Blood.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08"Or any of his oeuvre."
0:03:08 > 0:03:09Likewise, people at home,
0:03:09 > 0:03:13use of the word "oeuvre" there, as a punch line.
0:03:13 > 0:03:17You may not like it, but I guarantee there's no-one on Mock the Week doing that.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22Yesterday my son stepped in dog excrement
0:03:22 > 0:03:24and trod it all up the stairs.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27It's sort of an endless...problem.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29It doesn't make it any less irritating
0:03:29 > 0:03:32to have written a routine about it.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34So it was the fact of it happening that made it irritating?
0:03:34 > 0:03:38It's not that you've seduced yourself into being irritated by pretending?
0:03:38 > 0:03:42- I can't laugh my way out of it... - Well, that would be ridiculous.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45To laugh your way out of a mess caused by dog excrement.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47You'd look absurd.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49I mean, it's pathetic in a way.
0:03:49 > 0:03:5210, 15 years ago, I was writing whole shows
0:03:52 > 0:03:56about religious censorship, big ideas.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59And the bulk of this episode is about how irritated
0:03:59 > 0:04:01I am by dog excrement.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04But I am incredibly irritated by it. More so than...
0:04:04 > 0:04:08More so than wars or injustice, really.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11I'm absolutely fed up to the back teeth with it.
0:04:11 > 0:04:15The problem is, right, that dog excrement can blind children.
0:04:15 > 0:04:19Barely a week goes past without us going into A&E with what
0:04:19 > 0:04:23medical professionals call "dog shit eye blindness disorder."
0:04:23 > 0:04:27And the reason there's so much dog excrement outside our house,
0:04:27 > 0:04:29it's on a T-Junction, so the drug dealers gather there
0:04:29 > 0:04:32from about 11 at night until 5 in the morning,
0:04:32 > 0:04:36doing deals with their horrible weapon dogs defecating everywhere.
0:04:36 > 0:04:40And the drug dealers never make any effort to pick the dog excrement up.
0:04:40 > 0:04:45Which annoys me because I know they've got no shortage of small plastic bags.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48Who are these people?
0:04:48 > 0:04:53Don't they believe in David Cameron's dream of a big society?
0:04:53 > 0:04:56I carry that vision within my heart, what about you?
0:04:59 > 0:05:02I don't have a problem with drugs in and of themselves.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04It's just, it's not possible to buy drugs ethically.
0:05:04 > 0:05:08There's no Fairtrade cocaine, is there?
0:05:08 > 0:05:13If you buy drugs, you're connected to a supply network that links you
0:05:13 > 0:05:15to slave labour and violent death.
0:05:15 > 0:05:19And in that respect, drugs are the same as all Apple products.
0:05:22 > 0:05:26And there's a new app you can download that gives you live updates
0:05:26 > 0:05:29on Chinese factory worker suicide rates.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31SPARSE LAUGHTER
0:05:33 > 0:05:35More dog stuff, then.
0:05:37 > 0:05:42Fine, we won't do stuff about politics or exploitation,
0:05:42 > 0:05:46we'll just do stuff about... You decide what to laugh at.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48You decide. You decide what's funny.
0:05:48 > 0:05:52Obviously you all know more about stand-up than I do, don't you?
0:05:54 > 0:05:59I've only been doing it two or three hundred nights a year for 25 years.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02You can come, free, to something and sit there in judgment.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09Oh, I hate dogs, I can't bear them, I tell you.
0:06:09 > 0:06:13I hate dogs more than the exploitation of Chinese workers.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16I can't bear them. I hate dogs.
0:06:16 > 0:06:20I was delighted when I read that the first dog in space
0:06:20 > 0:06:23was incinerated to death on re-entry.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26And I'll tell you why. Because if...
0:06:26 > 0:06:29I hate dogs. If aliens had intercepted that dog,
0:06:29 > 0:06:32they would have assumed that the planet Earth was ruled
0:06:32 > 0:06:35by a race of creatures which liked to rub themselves
0:06:35 > 0:06:38against children's legs in a state of sexual arousal,
0:06:38 > 0:06:41sniff each other's bottoms as a form of greeting
0:06:41 > 0:06:45and yet had somehow managed to develop the technology for space travel.
0:06:45 > 0:06:49I hate dogs. In 2012...
0:06:49 > 0:06:52I do, I can't bear them. I hate dogs.
0:06:52 > 0:06:58In 2012, there were over 6,400 hospital admissions for dog bites,
0:06:58 > 0:07:01over 1,000 of them were under-tens,
0:07:01 > 0:07:03470 required plastic surgery.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06There were a number of fatalities and there were over
0:07:06 > 0:07:10four-and-a-half million tonnes of dog excrement on my doorstep alone.
0:07:10 > 0:07:16But who is responsible for this holocaust of dog excrement?
0:07:16 > 0:07:20Dog owners, that's who. But who are the dog owners?
0:07:20 > 0:07:25Who are those people so pitiful, so weak, so lacking in self-esteem,
0:07:25 > 0:07:30self-confidence and self-belief that they need the loyalty and affection
0:07:30 > 0:07:35of something as pathetic as a dog, to give their lives meaning?
0:07:35 > 0:07:42Dog owners, if you died, your precious dog would eat you.
0:07:42 > 0:07:46To your dog, you are just meat that can talk.
0:07:49 > 0:07:53But you love dogs, don't you, dog owners? Yeah, you love dogs.
0:07:53 > 0:07:57Shitting everywhere and howling and biting children.
0:07:57 > 0:07:58But you hate foxes, don't you?
0:07:58 > 0:08:02Shitting everywhere and howling and biting children.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05Boris Johnson, the Mayor of London, is supporting a cull of foxes
0:08:05 > 0:08:09which have bitten almost three Londoners in the entire history of the city.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13Is it only me, or do you ever stop amazed
0:08:13 > 0:08:17when you remember that Boris Johnson is an actual mayor?
0:08:21 > 0:08:23Boris Johnson is an actual Mayor of London.
0:08:23 > 0:08:29A capital city of an industrialised nation in the developed world.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31He is an actual mayor.
0:08:31 > 0:08:35But he's not a kind of comedy, clown, mascot mayor.
0:08:35 > 0:08:39Who goes around being buffoonishly amusing, while the real mayor
0:08:39 > 0:08:43work is done by Ken Livingstone locked in a shipping container.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46He's the actual mayor, Boris Johnson, of actual,
0:08:46 > 0:08:50real London in Great Britain.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52This isn't Italy.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56Where the mayor is just whichever man has touched
0:08:56 > 0:08:58the most women in the town.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05I do apologise. Of course, this is going out on national television.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07I'm talking about the Mayor of London.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10There's going to be people in the north of England tweeting in
0:09:10 > 0:09:14and e-mailing in right now going, "I don't even know what that is, the Mayor of London.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17"How dare you do a joke about the Mayor of London on national...
0:09:17 > 0:09:22"I've got no idea what that is. How London-centric, it's just so..."
0:09:22 > 0:09:24What I say to those people in the north of England,
0:09:24 > 0:09:28I don't sit at home watching Coronation Street and going,
0:09:28 > 0:09:31"I can't possibly understand what this is."
0:09:31 > 0:09:34I just use my intelligence and imagination
0:09:34 > 0:09:38to vault the vast cultural chasm that separates us.
0:09:38 > 0:09:43Oh, yeah, it's just like normal life anywhere else, except worse.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47Use your imagination. Buy in.
0:09:47 > 0:09:52I've never met anyone like Jason Manford, but I'm sure they exist.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54It must exist.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57It would be harder to hoax Jason Manford
0:09:57 > 0:09:59than to just have a real one, wouldn't it?
0:09:59 > 0:10:02Like there are people going "The moon landings are hoaxed,"
0:10:02 > 0:10:05it would be harder to hoax the moon landings than to land on the moon.
0:10:05 > 0:10:10And that's the way I feel about the stupid "Jason Manford is a hoax" rumour that's going around.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13It's ridiculous. I mean, you go round comedy clubs,
0:10:13 > 0:10:16there's bills going back to the '90s with his name on them.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18You'd have to go and insert it all into that,
0:10:18 > 0:10:22drop loads of clips into those I Remember 1987 programmes.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25He's obviously real, it's ridiculous. So...
0:10:27 > 0:10:30Boris Johnson wants to see a cull of the foxes, though.
0:10:30 > 0:10:34Now, people can die from bee stings, so let's kill all the bees.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36Oh, we already are.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41Never mind, I never liked honey anyway.
0:10:41 > 0:10:45Or cereal crops.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47Or the eco-system.
0:10:47 > 0:10:52Or the ongoing survival of all life on Earth.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54Do you like that joke?
0:10:54 > 0:10:58It contains within it a prophecy of all your deaths.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05What about the consistent element you've had, I think,
0:11:05 > 0:11:09in all three series, that you talk to a camera,
0:11:09 > 0:11:13directly and it's much lower down than you are?
0:11:13 > 0:11:17Well, I think that what the director's helped me to do there,
0:11:17 > 0:11:22by me literally talking down to the camera, is he's visually represented
0:11:22 > 0:11:26the air of condescension that comes off everything that I say.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29Because there are a lot of condescending people on television...
0:11:29 > 0:11:33- Yeah.- And no-one really seems to have availed themselves of this tool.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36Even total bastards like Huw Edwards.
0:11:36 > 0:11:41Yeah, I mean, really no-one has yet, in news or current affairs,
0:11:41 > 0:11:45has stolen the condescending low angle camera.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48I think when we start to see it bleed out into those areas,
0:11:48 > 0:11:50then we'll know that on some level it's all been worth it,
0:11:50 > 0:11:54we've had an influence on mass culture and you can't really ask for more than that.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57Now Boris Johnson also said he'd make sure the property boom
0:11:57 > 0:12:01didn't ethnically cleanse lower income workers out of London.
0:12:01 > 0:12:05But he didn't and it has done.
0:12:05 > 0:12:09Remember when he got you all to sweep up, after the riots, remember?
0:12:09 > 0:12:11"Sweep up after the riots, everyone.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14"Yeah, thanks for sweeping up after the riots.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17"Thanks for volunteering for the Olympics. Yeah.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19"Thanks, everyone, thanks.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22"Now fuck off."
0:12:25 > 0:12:27He wants to be careful, Boris Johnson,
0:12:27 > 0:12:29pricing all the low income workers out of London.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32Pretty soon, there'll be no-one to pour his champagne.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34Or mine, for that matter.
0:12:34 > 0:12:38Yes, I do read the Daily Telegraph and the Daily Mail.
0:12:38 > 0:12:42I am aware that I'm routinely referred to as a champagne socialist.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45I am not a champagne socialist.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48In the 1990s, I was an amphetamine communist.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54Which was good, it gave me a radical perspective on world events.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57Did help to keep the weight off as well.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59I have piled on the pounds
0:12:59 > 0:13:01since I've drifted towards the centre ground.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06But I came to London in 1988, '89,
0:13:06 > 0:13:10to seek my fortune like a little Dick Whittington.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13I don't know if people will be able to afford to do that today,
0:13:13 > 0:13:15the property's got so expensive.
0:13:15 > 0:13:19But in 1988, '89, I earned £90 a week, temping.
0:13:19 > 0:13:23My rent was 50 and yet I lived like a king.
0:13:23 > 0:13:29Admittedly a king who bought all his food from an Acton corner shop
0:13:29 > 0:13:33called Rimpey's, Fags, Foods and Non-Foods.
0:13:38 > 0:13:42Rimpey's Fags, Foods and Non-Foods.
0:13:42 > 0:13:46That is a fantastically literal brief for a retail outlet.
0:13:46 > 0:13:50Rimpey's Fags, Foods and Non-Foods. It sold fags, they were fags.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53It sold foods, they were foods.
0:13:53 > 0:13:57And it sold non-foods, which was everything in existence
0:13:57 > 0:14:00that wasn't a fag or a food.
0:14:00 > 0:14:03The fags were behind the counter. The foods were in the front aisle.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05The rest of the shop was one massively long,
0:14:05 > 0:14:09infinite corridor with a series of reflecting mirrors set up
0:14:09 > 0:14:12either end, like in Barbarella or something like that.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15And it had all the non-foods there.
0:14:15 > 0:14:19Every single non-food. Depleted uranium, they had.
0:14:19 > 0:14:25Chlorophyll, asteroids, angels, everything.
0:14:25 > 0:14:30And abstract concepts like hope and regret, despair,
0:14:30 > 0:14:33enthusiasm, they had.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36All the non-foods, they sold absolutely everything.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39The only thing you couldn't get at Rimpey's and it's in common
0:14:39 > 0:14:42with most major High Street retailers is any of my live DVDs.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45Wouldn't stock any of them.
0:14:45 > 0:14:49Rimpey's Fags, Foods and Non-Foods. It's a brilliant, brilliant place.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51That was back then.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53Back then you could afford to come to London and seek your fortune.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56Today, the only way a little Dick Whittington could come to London
0:14:56 > 0:15:00today is if Mr and Mrs Whittington had enough money to buy him a flat,
0:15:00 > 0:15:05where he could live rent free, while he did six years unpaid internship
0:15:05 > 0:15:08for a massive, tax avoiding, international media conglomerate.
0:15:08 > 0:15:13It's over, isn't it? London's all oligarchs now. It is.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16The Guardian reader audience that I've actively courted
0:15:16 > 0:15:18has been priced out.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20That's why you can see some of the gags
0:15:20 > 0:15:23aren't landing as well as they should.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27It's just oligarchs now, London, isn't it?
0:15:27 > 0:15:30The West London that I was in 25 years ago,
0:15:30 > 0:15:33that's all oligarchs.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36Russian, Greek and Arab Spring money, it's all oligarchs.
0:15:36 > 0:15:40Rimpey's Fags, Foods and Non-Foods is still there,
0:15:40 > 0:15:43but today it serves the needs of oligarchs,
0:15:43 > 0:15:48and it's called Rimpey's Fags, Directories of Prostitutes
0:15:48 > 0:15:51and Non-Directories of Prostitutes.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58It's oligarchs everywhere in London now.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00It's like living in an oligarchy.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07I'm not an economist, but from where I'm standing
0:16:07 > 0:16:09the supposed economic recovery of the country as a whole,
0:16:09 > 0:16:12I reckon you could pin a lot of it down
0:16:12 > 0:16:15to oligarch investment in properties in West London.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18It seems like that. But I've noticed that David Cameron's trying
0:16:18 > 0:16:21to spread the wealth around. He's proposed a high speed rail link
0:16:21 > 0:16:24to Birmingham, which is a bad idea.
0:16:24 > 0:16:29Because no-one wants to get to Birmingham any quicker than is necessary.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32Canal barge in, ejector seat out.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39I grew up in the Midlands and I love Birmingham.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41I hate people doing cheap jokes about it.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43It's actually a brilliant place, Birmingham.
0:16:43 > 0:16:48A Brummie will tell you Birmingham has more miles of canal than Venice.
0:16:48 > 0:16:49To which a Venetian will counter,
0:16:49 > 0:16:52"Yes, but it's quality, not quantity."
0:16:54 > 0:16:55Venetian canal,
0:16:55 > 0:16:59a beautiful young man's punting you along in a gondola, isn't he?
0:16:59 > 0:17:03Past all these cathedrals and you're eating a Cornetto
0:17:03 > 0:17:06and he's singing a Verdi opera.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08That's Venice canal.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10Birmingham canal.
0:17:10 > 0:17:16Little old man in a green woolly hat is floating along in a bin.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25Along Gas Street Basin. He's not eating a Cornetto.
0:17:25 > 0:17:31He's licking lukewarm Bovril out of a baking tray.
0:17:33 > 0:17:37And he's singing, he's not singing opera though, is he? He's singing...
0:17:38 > 0:17:43# I had a little donkey
0:17:43 > 0:17:47# I kept him in the yard
0:17:47 > 0:17:53# One day in the wintertime when it was snowing hard
0:17:54 > 0:18:00# Mother said the donkey must be cold out in the storm
0:18:00 > 0:18:06# Bring him in the kitchen and let him have a warm
0:18:09 > 0:18:16# Well
0:18:19 > 0:18:22# He come in here
0:18:22 > 0:18:25# Kicks a chandelier
0:18:25 > 0:18:31# Smashed up all the crockery and bit me mother's ear
0:18:31 > 0:18:35# Rusty Lee and Steel Pulse
0:18:35 > 0:18:38# Napalm Death and Dexys. #
0:18:38 > 0:18:41That's Birmingham.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44- APPLAUSE - And that's entertainment.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48Listen to the applause, cynics.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50Variety's not dead.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52They don't want panel shows.
0:18:52 > 0:18:56They want forgotten Music Hall songs of the early 1900s.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02I hope the oligarchs don't get to Birmingham.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05They might spread up there along the high speed rail link.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08Birmingham's got a fantastic indigenous culture
0:19:08 > 0:19:09and oligarchs would not support it.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12Oligarchs are not interested in what Birmingham has to offer.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15Oligarchs don't want to see the Edward Burne-Jones
0:19:15 > 0:19:19stained glass windows, they don't want to eat in the Balti Quarter,
0:19:19 > 0:19:21they don't want to go on the Black Sabbath walking trail.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24Which exists, it's very good.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26Oligarchs don't like that stuff.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28Oligarchs like Premier League football,
0:19:28 > 0:19:32horrible, garish, disgusting, massive shopping centres
0:19:32 > 0:19:34and lap dancing clubs.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37Come to think of it, they're going to love Birmingham.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40It's like an oligarch trap.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43But it's all oligarchs now, London.
0:19:43 > 0:19:47For a long time, London's been where artists came to build an audience,
0:19:47 > 0:19:50develop their work. Is that going to happen when London's all oligarchs?
0:19:50 > 0:19:55Would my act appeal to oligarchs? Probably not.
0:19:55 > 0:19:59What a good capitalist would say is you have to tailor your product
0:19:59 > 0:20:01to the demands of the market,
0:20:01 > 0:20:04so it's attractive to the new consumer base.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07I ought to be developing an act that would appeal to oligarchs.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10In fact, I have been doing that.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13I think it would go a little bit like this.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16Good evening, oligarchs and prostitutes, welcome.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19Welcome to London. It's yours now.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22Drive it like you stole it.
0:20:22 > 0:20:26It's awful being an oligarch, innit? You know what it's like when you're an oligarch,
0:20:26 > 0:20:29and you're in Hyde Park, the Princess Diana Memorial Playground,
0:20:29 > 0:20:33and you've all your prostitutes with you, all your prostitutes are there,
0:20:33 > 0:20:36you're in the playground and there's so many little kids running around
0:20:36 > 0:20:39in the sandpit, aren't there, you can't find anywhere
0:20:39 > 0:20:43to bury the severed head of a murdered business rival. Unbelievable!
0:20:43 > 0:20:46And all your prostitutes, "Argh, there's blood in the bag,"
0:20:46 > 0:20:47you're going "Calm down, girls!"
0:20:47 > 0:20:51You know what it's like, it's awful, when you're an oligarch,
0:20:51 > 0:20:54you know what I'm talking about? Yeah, you're all oligarchs.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57You know what it's like when you're an oligarch, you know what it's like,
0:20:57 > 0:21:00you invite George Osborne round to stay at your villa,
0:21:00 > 0:21:03with all the prostitutes there, all of your prostitutes,
0:21:03 > 0:21:07George Osborne goes, "Can I have a drawer to put all of my pencils in?"
0:21:07 > 0:21:10You go, "Yeah, put them in that one," and he can't,
0:21:10 > 0:21:13he opens it and the drawer's all full
0:21:13 > 0:21:16of the severed hands and feet of murdered business rivals.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19All the feet are coming out, all the prostitutes are going,
0:21:19 > 0:21:23"Argh! God, there's severed feet," and George Osborne's going
0:21:23 > 0:21:27"I can't put my pencil in there. Argh!"
0:21:27 > 0:21:29You know, it's awful when you're an oligarch,
0:21:29 > 0:21:32we're all oligarchs, aren't we? You know what it's like
0:21:32 > 0:21:35when you're an oligarch and you invite Boris Johnson round,
0:21:35 > 0:21:37you invite him round to your Mayfair penthouse,
0:21:37 > 0:21:40with all your prostitutes, they're all there,
0:21:40 > 0:21:43and you offer him a bath full of champagne,
0:21:43 > 0:21:45and he goes in to have the bath full of champagne,
0:21:45 > 0:21:47but you've forgotten, he can't use the bath,
0:21:47 > 0:21:48cos it's full up to the brim
0:21:48 > 0:21:52with the eviscerated internal organs of murdered business rivals.
0:21:52 > 0:21:56He's going, "Oh, there's a spleen coming out!" And all the prostitutes
0:21:56 > 0:22:01are going "Argh, there's an appendix in the bath! Argh!"
0:22:01 > 0:22:04"Calm down!" Oh, God.
0:22:04 > 0:22:08We hate the poor, don't we? I can't stand the poor. Hate the poor.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11Shitting everywhere and howling...
0:22:13 > 0:22:15Lowering the Ofsted results.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20Taking up valuable Central London living space that could
0:22:20 > 0:22:23otherwise have all of its Victorian fixtures and fittings
0:22:23 > 0:22:26and William Morris wallpaper torn out,
0:22:26 > 0:22:30so it looked like the departure lounge of a Saudi Arabian airport.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32Hate the poor.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34My uncle used to like to groom the poor,
0:22:34 > 0:22:39by which I mean he would go on the internet and he would set up
0:22:39 > 0:22:46payday loans websites, while trying to pretend to be Kerry Katona.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49Obviously it was never going to work.
0:22:49 > 0:22:53In the flesh, there's no way that a 57-year-old oligarch
0:22:53 > 0:22:59could pass himself off as a former Atomic Kitten front-woman.
0:22:59 > 0:23:03Even with his elaborate and expensive home-made costume.
0:23:03 > 0:23:04SOME APPLAUSE
0:23:04 > 0:23:07Don't clap. What you clapping?
0:23:07 > 0:23:09Clapping your own ability to remember things?
0:23:11 > 0:23:15You clapping yourself at home, are you? You clapping having a brain?
0:23:20 > 0:23:22I can't bear the poor, I tell you why.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25I hate them. Every week, me and the kids, we step out
0:23:25 > 0:23:29onto the pavement where the poor live,
0:23:29 > 0:23:32and they end up covered in residual guilt.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37I can't do the oligarch act, my heart's not in it,
0:23:37 > 0:23:41although ironically, I did notice it went a lot better than the rest of the...
0:23:42 > 0:23:44I'll leave you with a final thought.
0:23:44 > 0:23:48In the City of London, there is a £200 million skyscraper,
0:23:48 > 0:23:53made entirely of glass, and last summer it reflected the sun
0:23:53 > 0:23:58so strongly that it melted a £50,000 Jaguar car
0:23:58 > 0:24:00that was parked in Fenchurch Street.
0:24:00 > 0:24:04Now, as a piece of architecture, that is abysmal.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06But as an extremely heavy-handed satire
0:24:06 > 0:24:11of exactly where we're going wrong, superb.
0:24:11 > 0:24:12Yeah, clap that.
0:24:13 > 0:24:17You say "as a building, as a piece of architecture, it's abysmal.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20"But as a satire of where we're going, it's faultless.
0:24:20 > 0:24:24Now, I just don't know what the hell that means?
0:24:24 > 0:24:27No. You know what, it sounds clever though, doesn't it?
0:24:27 > 0:24:30And it sounds clever and I think people have
0:24:30 > 0:24:34laughed at it in an attempt to pass themselves off as clever.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36Have you tried to work out what you mean?
0:24:36 > 0:24:40No. I mean, sometimes you write these things down and they seem to work.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43They're best left...best left not analysed, you know?
0:24:43 > 0:24:45It's quite an achievement, though.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48If you look at it closely, hardly a single word makes sense.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51Yeah, but it's the last line of the show, so you've just got
0:24:51 > 0:24:55to whack it out there and run away from it like an unexploded bomb.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58'I sort of wrote all this stuff about dog excrement
0:24:58 > 0:25:01'as a kind of cliche of...
0:25:01 > 0:25:06'doing a ranty routine about something trivial.
0:25:06 > 0:25:07'But it is irritating...
0:25:07 > 0:25:10'You know, if this series achieves one thing,
0:25:10 > 0:25:13'I would like it to be that people really get behind the idea
0:25:13 > 0:25:16'of a mass execution of all dogs.'