0:00:02 > 0:00:04Coming back from the pub on a Tuesday afternoon about
0:00:04 > 0:00:07six months back, and a woman was coming along the road towards me.
0:00:07 > 0:00:10I thought, "That is a very beautiful woman."
0:00:10 > 0:00:13Even though... Even though you're married, you can't shut down
0:00:13 > 0:00:17that part of your aesthetic appreciation of people.
0:00:17 > 0:00:20Then, as she got nearer to me,
0:00:20 > 0:00:22I realised it was actually my wife,
0:00:22 > 0:00:23which is a very funny thing to happen.
0:00:23 > 0:00:27And I thought, what an amazing thing, to mistake a stranger...
0:00:27 > 0:00:30to not know who that stranger was, to find a stranger attractive
0:00:30 > 0:00:32and then to realise that it was your wife.
0:00:32 > 0:00:34It was a great thing to happen.
0:00:34 > 0:00:37But then she lifted up her arms, this beautiful woman,
0:00:37 > 0:00:40my wife, and she said...she said,
0:00:40 > 0:00:42"You were supposed to defrost that ham pie.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45"Why couldn't you even defrost the ham pie?
0:00:45 > 0:00:48"Now we'll have to take the kids to Nando's again."
0:00:50 > 0:00:52Tax breaks for married people are great, aren't they?
0:00:52 > 0:00:55They're worth up to £70 per person per year!
0:00:57 > 0:01:00With that money, you can buy an HBO box set
0:01:00 > 0:01:03and then you never have to talk to each other in the evenings.
0:01:03 > 0:01:07And, no, I haven't seen Breaking Bad, I haven't seen Breaking Bad.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10I don't need to watch hundreds of hours of television
0:01:10 > 0:01:13about an educated man who supports his family
0:01:13 > 0:01:15by doing something he knows is beneath him.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17LAUGHTER
0:01:23 > 0:01:26- Now... - LAUGHTER
0:01:27 > 0:01:31..earlier this year, my wife insisted I have a vasectomy.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34I don't know why,
0:01:34 > 0:01:37she'd be the first to admit there wasn't really any pressing need.
0:01:37 > 0:01:41What you will find if you...
0:01:41 > 0:01:44LAUGHTER
0:01:47 > 0:01:51You like that, do you? You like that Charlie Chaplin shit?
0:01:51 > 0:01:54LAUGHTER
0:01:57 > 0:02:00I tell you, if you've enjoyed that, if you've enjoyed that,
0:02:00 > 0:02:03if you're a viewer at home and you've enjoyed that, that's...
0:02:03 > 0:02:07there's no more like that in this episode. Turn off now.
0:02:09 > 0:02:13But if you've been married for a long time,
0:02:13 > 0:02:16you will find your partner ceases to view you as a sexual being.
0:02:16 > 0:02:20I've been married ten years now.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22Now, nine years ago, I'd been married one year,
0:02:22 > 0:02:26and I went off on tour, and while I was on tour, I ran out of pants.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28Now, like a lot of men,
0:02:28 > 0:02:30I don't really know where my pants come from.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33I always seem to have loads,
0:02:33 > 0:02:35but I don't remember ever having bought any.
0:02:35 > 0:02:39So, I bought some pants in Lincoln, went home,
0:02:39 > 0:02:42one year of marriage, new pants.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45And my wife said to me, "Oh, you've bought new pants.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47"Are you having an affair?"
0:02:47 > 0:02:49In a sort of sarcastic way.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52Which was funny, but it was also nice, because it suggested,
0:02:52 > 0:02:55in her mind, I was still a sexual possibility, see what I mean?
0:02:55 > 0:02:58Now, last year, I'd been married ten years, I went off on tour,
0:02:58 > 0:03:03I ran out of pants, and I bought some new pants in Bovey Tracey,
0:03:03 > 0:03:08and I got back to London, ten years of marriage, new pants.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10And my wife said to me, "Oh, you've bought new pants.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12"Did you shit yourself at work?"
0:03:12 > 0:03:14LAUGHTER
0:03:20 > 0:03:24I mean, I had done, but it was a coincidence.
0:03:26 > 0:03:31Now, earlier this year, our cat was walking around
0:03:31 > 0:03:34with a parasitical worm hanging out of his anus.
0:03:37 > 0:03:41To be honest, I envied him that level of intimacy.
0:03:48 > 0:03:52And my daughter, who's two,
0:03:52 > 0:03:55she saw the parasitical worm hanging out of the cat's anus,
0:03:55 > 0:03:58and she said to me, "Dad, what is the point of that worm?
0:03:58 > 0:04:01"Why is it alive?"
0:04:01 > 0:04:04And I said to her, "I suppose the point of a parasitical worm
0:04:04 > 0:04:07"is to stay alive long enough to mate and reproduce
0:04:07 > 0:04:10"and make more versions of itself."
0:04:10 > 0:04:12And she said to me, "Oh.
0:04:12 > 0:04:19"What's the point of you, then, Dad? You've had a vasectomy.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21"Why are you still alive?"
0:04:21 > 0:04:24LAUGHTER
0:04:24 > 0:04:26She'd been reading my Wikipedia page.
0:04:28 > 0:04:29My wife updates it.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35And I thought, you know what, I find it quite offensive.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38I'm much better than a parasitical worm, you know.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40For a start, I don't live in a cat's anus.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44I live in Hackney.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53Then I thought, you know what, maybe she's right.
0:04:53 > 0:04:54What's the point of me?
0:04:54 > 0:04:58If you're an impotent, vasectomised, 45-year-old
0:04:58 > 0:05:01functioning alcoholic father of two, what is the...
0:05:01 > 0:05:03There's not really any point in you, is there?
0:05:03 > 0:05:06You're a waste of air, a waste of space. You're pointless.
0:05:06 > 0:05:10You're like a three-week-old chop gradually going green in a hot room,
0:05:10 > 0:05:13or an Amstrad games console,
0:05:13 > 0:05:15or Vernon Kay. There's no point in you.
0:05:17 > 0:05:22If you're an impotent, vasectomised, 45-year-old functioning alcoholic
0:05:22 > 0:05:24father of two, the best you can hope for, I think,
0:05:24 > 0:05:26is you just drop dead in the street,
0:05:26 > 0:05:29and maybe flies will lay their eggs in your eyes,
0:05:29 > 0:05:34and if maggots hatch out, then you're part of the cycle of life...
0:05:34 > 0:05:37Why do the kids ask me these depressing questions?
0:05:40 > 0:05:44I read my six-year-old son the myths of the Norse gods
0:05:44 > 0:05:48in an attempt to neutralise my wife's Catholicism.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54And earlier this year, he said to me,
0:05:54 > 0:05:57"Dad, is Thor a goodie or a baddie?"
0:05:57 > 0:05:59And I said, "He's neither.
0:06:01 > 0:06:06"He's a chaotic individual, driven by pride, shame and lust
0:06:06 > 0:06:09"who embodies an essential moral relativism."
0:06:11 > 0:06:14And he said to me, "Oh.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16"So, he's like you, then."
0:06:19 > 0:06:23At some level, you're not just shitting on your own doorstep...
0:06:23 > 0:06:27- No.- ..you're blasting sewage through the letterbox with a fire hose.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29Yeah. And I'm choosing to do that.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31You're like Bobby Sands with a muck spreader.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34What I've tried to do here is write a kind of
0:06:34 > 0:06:38mainstream-y, dad-husband-parent act.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41But see if you can put into it some feeling of
0:06:41 > 0:06:44apprehension of mortality and dread.
0:06:44 > 0:06:49And I think it comes out with such a tone of depression
0:06:49 > 0:06:52and fatality that you can see why those guys,
0:06:52 > 0:06:54the popular stadium guys, tend to keep it light.
0:06:56 > 0:07:00I've found I've been drinking a lot more since the vasectomy and, er...
0:07:01 > 0:07:05..my wife had been away working for a couple of weeks, and she was
0:07:05 > 0:07:08coming back that night, so I thought I'd go and get a bottle of wine,
0:07:08 > 0:07:11you know, like I have on all the nights she's been away.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18So, I went to the corner shop in Hackney.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21I thought, "I'm not going to get a 3.99, cheapskate bottle of wine.
0:07:21 > 0:07:25"I'm not going to get an 18.99 bottle of wine, like I've been unfaithful or something.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28"I'm going to get a 12.99 bottle of wine."
0:07:28 > 0:07:30That's the kind of guy I am,
0:07:30 > 0:07:33I'm a 12.99 bottle of wine kind of guy.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36I took the 12.99 bottle of wine up to the guy at the counter,
0:07:36 > 0:07:39and he looked down at it and he said to me...
0:07:41 > 0:07:45.."That's the best wine in the shop. You have good taste, sir."
0:07:46 > 0:07:49And just making chit-chat, just friendly banter, I said to him,
0:07:49 > 0:07:52"I'll tell my wife you said that.
0:07:52 > 0:07:56"She'll be very surprised to find out that I've got good taste."
0:07:56 > 0:08:00Just making sort of chit-chat, banter with the bloke.
0:08:00 > 0:08:01And then he said,
0:08:01 > 0:08:03"Yes. Bitches."
0:08:03 > 0:08:06LAUGHTER
0:08:14 > 0:08:17"You try and do your best for women,
0:08:17 > 0:08:20"but they all just run us down,
0:08:20 > 0:08:22"the fucking bitches."
0:08:26 > 0:08:28That's a little bit I like to call
0:08:28 > 0:08:30When Polite Conversation Goes Wrong.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32LAUGHTER
0:08:34 > 0:08:38Now, if you're an impotent, vasectomised, 45-year-old
0:08:38 > 0:08:40functioning alcoholic father of two,
0:08:40 > 0:08:43you can't fail to have noticed how all supermarket alcohol
0:08:43 > 0:08:47marketing campaigns are now targeted directly at you, aren't they?
0:08:47 > 0:08:49You walk round the Sainsbury's aisles every week,
0:08:49 > 0:08:52there's more of these exotic bottled beers
0:08:52 > 0:08:55with names like Wizard's Sleeve
0:08:55 > 0:08:57and Goblin's Hole.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01Catamite's Regret.
0:09:04 > 0:09:09And the pretend folksy names and fake artisanal packaging
0:09:09 > 0:09:13of these bottled beers conspires to give the functioning
0:09:13 > 0:09:1845-year-old alcoholic the impression that he's not a functioning alcoholic,
0:09:18 > 0:09:22but is instead some kind of connoisseur of beer,
0:09:22 > 0:09:26cutting a valuable exploratory swathe
0:09:26 > 0:09:32through an uncharted wilderness of 7.8% proof alcohol
0:09:32 > 0:09:34that's all got to be...
0:09:34 > 0:09:36I've got news for you, Sainsbury's!
0:09:36 > 0:09:38I've seen through The Matrix,
0:09:38 > 0:09:41and an alcoholic is an alcoholic is an alcoholic,
0:09:41 > 0:09:45whether it's a tramp lying in the gutter drinking Buckfast
0:09:45 > 0:09:50or a 45-year-old father of two sitting at home alone
0:09:50 > 0:09:54in the middle of the night drinking Hadron's Collision.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57LAUGHTER
0:09:58 > 0:10:03And scowling and sneering to himself
0:10:03 > 0:10:07as he watches Andrew Graham Dixon
0:10:07 > 0:10:13talking about art on The Culture Show.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15Andrew Graham Dixon.
0:10:17 > 0:10:21Our fathers' generation had Late Night Line-Up
0:10:21 > 0:10:26with Joan Bakewell, the thinking man's crumpet.
0:10:27 > 0:10:34And what have we got? The Culture Show with Andrew Graham Dixon.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37The crumpet man's thinker.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39LAUGHTER
0:10:43 > 0:10:46Culture Show. What is that?
0:10:46 > 0:10:50It's like a children's programme from a collapsed Soviet state.
0:10:54 > 0:10:58Where they're still bewildered by Velcro.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02You know what? When I...
0:11:02 > 0:11:05It took the BBC three years to decide to recommission this show.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07I don't care about that.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10I don't think anyone's got a God-given right to be on television.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12What annoys me is, during that period, they said to me,
0:11:12 > 0:11:15"Maybe it would help if you were more of a personality," they said.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18"Perhaps you could host The Culture Show."
0:11:18 > 0:11:19Host The Culture Show.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23I AM culture.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28I've got an Olivier Award,
0:11:28 > 0:11:29for directing an opera,
0:11:29 > 0:11:32at the National Theatre.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35I've done a John Cage piece at the Barbican.
0:11:35 > 0:11:38I've done the voiceover for a Kurt Schwitters app
0:11:38 > 0:11:40at the Southbank Centre.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45And I've had two books published by Faber And Faber.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48Not Tesco's own-brand books,
0:11:48 > 0:11:51like all the Mock The Week twats.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54Faber And fucking Faber.
0:11:58 > 0:11:59I am...
0:11:59 > 0:12:03Every week, The Culture Show should just be me sitting on a massive jewelled throne...
0:12:03 > 0:12:06LAUGHTER
0:12:06 > 0:12:12..while Andrew Graham Dixon crawls around in the dirt in a nappy,
0:12:12 > 0:12:15like a hog,
0:12:15 > 0:12:18occasionally looking up at me and saying,
0:12:18 > 0:12:21"So, Stewart Lee, what have you been thinking about this week?"
0:12:21 > 0:12:24LAUGHTER
0:12:25 > 0:12:27Host The Culture Show!
0:12:28 > 0:12:31The only way I'd host The Culture Show is if I was dead.
0:12:31 > 0:12:35And you could wheel my decomposing corpse
0:12:35 > 0:12:39through the streets of Florence in a shopping trolley,
0:12:39 > 0:12:44using a lolly stick to move my lips,
0:12:44 > 0:12:50so they appeared to mouth platitudinous phrases clipped out of Wikipedia,
0:12:50 > 0:12:54like, "Of course, what you need to understand about Giotto is...
0:12:54 > 0:12:58"open square brackets, citation needed, close square brackets."
0:12:58 > 0:13:01LAUGHTER
0:13:01 > 0:13:03Host The Culture Show.
0:13:05 > 0:13:09We're a betrayed generation, we've got nothing.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12We've got vasectomies
0:13:12 > 0:13:15and Andrew Graham Dixon
0:13:15 > 0:13:18and three for the price of two at Sainsbury's
0:13:18 > 0:13:22on Higginbotham's Wrench and Dunbar's Retaliation
0:13:22 > 0:13:25and Vincent Crane's Atomic Rooster
0:13:25 > 0:13:27and Drake and Theaker's Rustic Hinge
0:13:27 > 0:13:29and Elmer Gantry's Velvet Opera
0:13:29 > 0:13:31and Principal Edward's Magic Theatre
0:13:31 > 0:13:33and Andweller's Dream
0:13:33 > 0:13:35and Gorky's Zygotic Mynci
0:13:35 > 0:13:37and Bevis' Frond
0:13:37 > 0:13:40and Noel's Chemical Effluent.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42We've got nothing. We've got...
0:13:42 > 0:13:44We've got nothing.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51I've got no idea what's going on.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57I've got no idea...
0:13:57 > 0:14:01I didn't even know that Mutya
0:14:01 > 0:14:03had left The Sugarcubes.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14She's not been in it for years, apparently, The Sugarcubes.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19I don't understand it, cos I saw...
0:14:21 > 0:14:25I saw a picture just last week, and it was Mutya and Kerris,
0:14:25 > 0:14:30whatever she was called, and the Irish one, Siobhan,
0:14:30 > 0:14:33and I thought, "Good, there's The Sugarcubes."
0:14:33 > 0:14:36And then underneath, it says it's MKS.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40That's The Sugarcubes.
0:14:40 > 0:14:44And then there's another picture, there's a load of...
0:14:44 > 0:14:46Oh, that's The Sugarcubes.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49A load of women about 12 years old.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54Never seen them before, they're not old enough to have even been
0:14:54 > 0:14:58with Gary Numan when he was with the other one.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00It doesn't make any sense.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02Why is it...
0:15:02 > 0:15:08That's The Sugarcubes, Mutya, Kelly and Siobhan,
0:15:08 > 0:15:12they're not dead. Why are they not called...
0:15:12 > 0:15:14Why is...the other ones called The Sugarcubes?
0:15:14 > 0:15:16The Sugarcubes, they're alive.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20Why are they not called... Why are these other ones...
0:15:20 > 0:15:21It doesn't make any...
0:15:23 > 0:15:27You can't have The Sugarcubes without Mutya, I don't think.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30That embodies it to me.
0:15:30 > 0:15:31The whole...
0:15:34 > 0:15:36It's not fair, there should be...
0:15:36 > 0:15:39It's not fair on older people to change things like this.
0:15:41 > 0:15:45There should be an alert you can sign up for and it will tell you.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49It's like being Rip Van Winkle. It's like that.
0:15:51 > 0:15:55I went to bed, I thought, "Oh, good, Mutya's in The Sugarcubes."
0:15:55 > 0:15:57LAUGHTER
0:15:59 > 0:16:04I have a checklist every night of things that are not changed.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08You wake up the next day, "Oh, she's not been in it for years, didn't you know?"
0:16:08 > 0:16:10"No, I didn't, why would I know that?"
0:16:11 > 0:16:13Happens to me all the time.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17I thought I lived on my own in a flat.
0:16:19 > 0:16:23Wake up, I'm in a house, there's a woman there.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25Children. A cat.
0:16:27 > 0:16:28Parasitical anus worm.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33That I'm envious of.
0:16:38 > 0:16:43So, I've been up all night, drinking Gandalf's Memory Stick, and...
0:16:43 > 0:16:45LAUGHTER
0:16:49 > 0:16:51..Hogwart's Bukkake.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53LAUGHTER
0:17:13 > 0:17:18I was just having a little lie down on the kitchen floor.
0:17:20 > 0:17:25I looked up, I saw the strip light was flickering on the...
0:17:25 > 0:17:27on the unit. I've got a unit!
0:17:29 > 0:17:32I've got no social life,
0:17:32 > 0:17:36I've got no sex life, I've got no inner imaginative life.
0:17:36 > 0:17:37I've got a unit.
0:17:39 > 0:17:40I thought I'd climb up...
0:17:40 > 0:17:42"I'll climb up on the unit, I can fix that."
0:17:42 > 0:17:45I climbed up, I was jiggling the light, and I slipped.
0:17:45 > 0:17:46I fell back.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49I thought, "I'm going to hit my head on the wall there."
0:17:49 > 0:17:53And as I was falling back, I thought to myself, in slow motion,
0:17:53 > 0:17:55I thought, "Oh, I might die now.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59"I wonder what that will be like?
0:17:59 > 0:18:01"Shit, I expect...
0:18:03 > 0:18:05"..if being alive's anything to go by."
0:18:14 > 0:18:17I come round at A&E on the Euston Road.
0:18:18 > 0:18:22They said to me, "Do you feel disorientated? Do you feel distressed?
0:18:22 > 0:18:24"Do you feel bewildered? Do you feel confused?
0:18:24 > 0:18:27"Do you feel unsteady? Do you feel unstable?
0:18:27 > 0:18:29"Are you having trouble remembering who you are?
0:18:29 > 0:18:32"Are you having trouble remembering where you are?"
0:18:32 > 0:18:35And the answer to all those questions was, "Yes."
0:18:35 > 0:18:39Because the symptoms of mild traumatic brain damage
0:18:39 > 0:18:41are the same as the symptoms of being
0:18:41 > 0:18:44a 45-year-old father of two small children.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47But they don't... they don't tell you that.
0:18:47 > 0:18:48LAUGHTER
0:18:48 > 0:18:50Because if they...
0:18:50 > 0:18:54If they did, you would all have vasectomies.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59Self-administered, if necessary.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02With whatever kitchen utensils were to hand.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07Spatula and a...
0:19:07 > 0:19:10tea-strainer and a...
0:19:10 > 0:19:12garlic press.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15LAUGHTER
0:19:22 > 0:19:26And I was... I was left lying all night on a trolley
0:19:26 > 0:19:30in a corridor at A&E, and there's been a lot of people lately
0:19:30 > 0:19:34complaining about being left lying all night
0:19:34 > 0:19:38on a trolley in a corridor at A&E, but I liked it.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43Because it was quiet and it was peaceful
0:19:43 > 0:19:46and no-one was trying to wake me up or argue with me
0:19:46 > 0:19:50or demand things or
0:19:50 > 0:19:53curse me for their very having been born.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00I tried to pretend to be asleep so I could stay,
0:20:00 > 0:20:03but they woke me up and they discharged me
0:20:03 > 0:20:06and they sent me on my way with some antibiotics,
0:20:06 > 0:20:09because apparently, the wound in my head
0:20:09 > 0:20:12had become very slightly infected, and I was overjoyed, to be honest.
0:20:14 > 0:20:18Because that meant that my...
0:20:18 > 0:20:21impotent, vasectomised, 45-year-old body
0:20:21 > 0:20:24was at least home to something living.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26LAUGHTER
0:20:32 > 0:20:35Even if it was just germs.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37And I thought...
0:20:39 > 0:20:42..if I was kind to the germs...
0:20:44 > 0:20:47..maybe they would be my friends.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53That night, my wife was coming home from being away,
0:20:53 > 0:20:56so I thought I'd go out and buy her...
0:20:56 > 0:20:59She suggested we buy...
0:20:59 > 0:21:02open the 12.99 bottle of wine to
0:21:02 > 0:21:05celebrate my not being dead.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08I told her while she'd been away
0:21:08 > 0:21:11the kids had been asking me difficult questions, as usual.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13I told her my son had said to me, "Dad, what are stars?"
0:21:14 > 0:21:18And I said to him, I said, "Stars are faraway suns.
0:21:18 > 0:21:23"Because of the way gas burns out, the theory of relativity
0:21:23 > 0:21:28"and the speed of light, some of the light we see reaching us
0:21:28 > 0:21:31"is coming to us from stars that are already dead."
0:21:38 > 0:21:40And I said to my wife,
0:21:40 > 0:21:41"That's what I am."
0:21:41 > 0:21:43LAUGHTER
0:21:43 > 0:21:47"The children are the light that has poured out of me...
0:21:48 > 0:21:51"..and I am a star that is dead."
0:21:55 > 0:21:57And she said to me,
0:21:57 > 0:22:02"When you won a BAFTA, they cut you out of the television broadcast.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09"You and Terry Pratchett.
0:22:12 > 0:22:16"Maybe they'd have kept you in if you hadn't had done such a weird, boring speech."
0:22:16 > 0:22:18LAUGHTER
0:22:21 > 0:22:24"I told the kids you'd be on, and they'd stayed up and you weren't there,
0:22:24 > 0:22:28"and they were angry and they were embarrassed and ashamed.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34"They kept the woman from Mrs Brown's Boys in...
0:22:39 > 0:22:41"..and he's a man.
0:22:44 > 0:22:48"And you've never been on the Channel 4 Stand-Up Comedy Gala...
0:22:49 > 0:22:51"..and they allow anyone to do that."
0:22:51 > 0:22:54LAUGHTER
0:22:54 > 0:22:56"No-one knows who you are," she said.
0:22:56 > 0:23:00"When we walk along in the street, I hear them whispering behind you,
0:23:00 > 0:23:01"'Oh, look...
0:23:05 > 0:23:08"'..the Serbian warlord Ratko Mladic...
0:23:19 > 0:23:21"'..has let himself go.'
0:23:25 > 0:23:27"And so," she said,
0:23:27 > 0:23:31"at the risk of compromising your neat, light-based metaphor,
0:23:31 > 0:23:33"I think it's something of an exaggeration
0:23:33 > 0:23:36"to say that you are a star."
0:23:40 > 0:23:44And I looked down at the 12.99 bottle of wine
0:23:44 > 0:23:47and I thought to myself...
0:23:47 > 0:23:49"Yeah. Bitches."
0:23:49 > 0:23:51LAUGHTER
0:23:55 > 0:23:57APPLAUSE
0:26:44 > 0:26:47Is it entertainment? I don't know. Is it meant to be entertainment?
0:26:47 > 0:26:50I don't know. But you know what's important? Time's passed.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53And at the end of it, people go, "Oh, something happened."
0:26:55 > 0:26:58Is there anything that you couldn't say that about?
0:26:58 > 0:26:59No, I guess not. But...
0:26:59 > 0:27:03Have you been reduced to that? That's your defence for everything.
0:27:03 > 0:27:06Time's passed. And at the end of it, you say something happened.
0:27:06 > 0:27:09- You can't use that as a defence... - You can say that...
0:27:09 > 0:27:11- No, you said that!- I know.
0:27:11 > 0:27:16Well, I think that people will be hard-pressed to say that the money's
0:27:16 > 0:27:20been wasted, because you can see... you can see...
0:27:20 > 0:27:23It seems like you're drunk, I don't know what you're saying!
0:27:23 > 0:27:28Words being... This man's been speaking.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30A man was speaking.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32You saw him from... you saw him from...
0:27:32 > 0:27:38- Angles. Some angles. - Different angles, and...you know...
0:27:38 > 0:27:40And it can't be said not to have happened!
0:27:42 > 0:27:45I don't know why you would put that forward...
0:27:45 > 0:27:47Some music came on at the end.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50It's finished now.
0:27:51 > 0:27:54They can't say that...
0:27:54 > 0:27:56they can't say that nothing happened,
0:27:56 > 0:27:58because you can see it did.
0:27:58 > 0:28:02All right. OK. It's fine. It did.
0:28:02 > 0:28:05They can say it wasn't any good,
0:28:05 > 0:28:08but they can't say nothing happened, because there was loads...
0:28:08 > 0:28:12There's six pages of words, minimum, for each episode.
0:28:12 > 0:28:15You can see in the film bit at the end,
0:28:15 > 0:28:17someone's put a lot of work into that.
0:28:17 > 0:28:19It goes at different speeds, the cameras...
0:28:20 > 0:28:23You can still say it didn't happen, though, can't you?
0:28:23 > 0:28:26Well, you know, first...
0:28:26 > 0:28:29I resent the idea that it was...
0:28:29 > 0:28:32people's time has been wasted. It hasn't.
0:28:32 > 0:28:33You know?