0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains very strong language
0:00:11 > 0:00:13Hmm.
0:00:14 > 0:00:17HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:00:28 > 0:00:29So, I'm going to do 28 minutes now
0:00:29 > 0:00:32on wealth and social responsibility.
0:00:32 > 0:00:35That's quite a heavy subject to go straight into,
0:00:35 > 0:00:39so, I'm going to do a quick light-hearted 45-second anecdote
0:00:39 > 0:00:43first of all, to soften up the ground and hopefully you won't see
0:00:43 > 0:00:48the gears change too obviously, as we move into the main routine.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51So, I was on tour and I was in... AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:00:53 > 0:00:57I was... I was in Sheffield and I was walking along the main street
0:00:57 > 0:00:58in Sheffield, Fargate,
0:00:58 > 0:01:01and I saw two guys holding up big cardboard placards
0:01:01 > 0:01:03and one of them said,
0:01:03 > 0:01:06"Would you like to download thousands of films now from Sky?"
0:01:06 > 0:01:07And the other one said,
0:01:07 > 0:01:10"Would you like to learn the truth about Islam?"
0:01:10 > 0:01:13And I thought, "Oh, decisions, decisions."
0:01:15 > 0:01:18But we were all asked to make a decision in the last election,
0:01:18 > 0:01:21weren't we? AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:01:23 > 0:01:25Any...
0:01:25 > 0:01:28That's how you do segues between material.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32Any young comics watching at home...
0:01:32 > 0:01:34So, we were asked to make a choice, weren't we?
0:01:34 > 0:01:37Between voting out of self-interest, broadly speaking,
0:01:37 > 0:01:39and out of the interests of others.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41We know what happened on a national level
0:01:41 > 0:01:43and now I sort of worry that I see evidence
0:01:43 > 0:01:45of people's selfishness everywhere.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47I was walking along the canal in Camden
0:01:47 > 0:01:49and walked past that Dingwalls there
0:01:49 > 0:01:53and there was a load of drunk lads on the canal towpath,
0:01:53 > 0:01:58laughing and cheering as they watched five seagulls
0:01:58 > 0:02:00peck a fluffy baby duckling to death.
0:02:00 > 0:02:04And then I realised why Mock The Week is so popular.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06AUDIENCE LAUGHS LIGHTLY
0:02:06 > 0:02:09Wow, where did they get this crowd from?
0:02:09 > 0:02:10Normally...
0:02:10 > 0:02:12Normally, my audience would go,
0:02:12 > 0:02:15"Ha, ha, imagine liking Mock The Week, eurgh."
0:02:15 > 0:02:17But BBC Ticket Unit,
0:02:17 > 0:02:20the sort of people who go, "Oh, I like comedy, I'll go and see that."
0:02:21 > 0:02:25Going to be a tough, it's going to be a tough night, isn't it?
0:02:27 > 0:02:30We've got to be careful having a go at the panel shows now though,
0:02:30 > 0:02:34I don't want Lee Mack writing in his next book
0:02:34 > 0:02:37that I'm an intellectual snob again.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41Like I inferred he did in the last one, unless, of course...
0:02:43 > 0:02:45..unless, of course, I choose to appear
0:02:45 > 0:02:47as an intellectual snob on purpose,
0:02:47 > 0:02:52in order to create a secondary character-driven narrative
0:02:52 > 0:02:55that runs both in tandem with and in dramatic opposition
0:02:55 > 0:02:58to the surface level stand-up.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03Um... I want you to laugh in spite of me, not because of me.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08It's an example of the theatrical practice known as
0:03:08 > 0:03:11Brechtian alienation.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14It is, it's an incredibly high-risk performance strategy
0:03:14 > 0:03:16that very few people seem to appreciate.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19No-one is equipped to review me.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25Least of all The Daily Telegraph,
0:03:25 > 0:03:30which is...I got a no-star review in The Daily Telegraph, I did.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33The bloke said... Normally they give you one for turning up.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36The bloke said that I have contempt for the public
0:03:36 > 0:03:39and if I understood anything about the sacrifices people make
0:03:39 > 0:03:42to come and see things, I would spare them my toxic scorn.
0:03:44 > 0:03:48And I do understand all that and I just did it for a laugh, really.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51Which is within the remit of this job, isn't it?
0:03:51 > 0:03:53If you think about it for a second.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55So...
0:03:55 > 0:03:58But it's awkward getting bad reviews in The Daily Telegraph,
0:03:58 > 0:04:01cos that is the paper that all the middle-class dads
0:04:01 > 0:04:02at my kids' school read.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05They read these awful things about how terrible I am
0:04:05 > 0:04:08and then they're embarrassed to meet my eye in the school playground,
0:04:08 > 0:04:11as if they've imagined me doing some incredibly intimate thing
0:04:11 > 0:04:15with their middle-class wives that they would never do with them,
0:04:15 > 0:04:17like talk to them in the evenings.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23And, yes, you did hear me say middle-class dads there.
0:04:23 > 0:04:27I now move in exclusively middle-class dad circles,
0:04:27 > 0:04:32because the money that you have given me by coming to see me
0:04:32 > 0:04:35in incrementally larger amounts over the last 26 years
0:04:35 > 0:04:38has finally moved me into a social milieu
0:04:38 > 0:04:40where I do not belong and I'm not welcome.
0:04:43 > 0:04:44So, thanks for that! Thanks.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48Now, one of the things that comes across in this series
0:04:48 > 0:04:51is that you are obsessed with money.
0:04:51 > 0:04:55As usual, in a sort of slightly perverse, inverted kind of way.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57What are you really saying?
0:04:57 > 0:05:00Are you saying that having money is worse than not having money?
0:05:00 > 0:05:03Yeah, I think the difficult position I've been put in
0:05:03 > 0:05:07is to be allowed to be about as successful as it's possible to be
0:05:07 > 0:05:11as a sort of obscure figure, but, really,
0:05:11 > 0:05:13what I do is not of enough quality or interest
0:05:13 > 0:05:18to tip over into having a subterranean garage
0:05:18 > 0:05:22full of Aston Martins, you know, it's sort of a weird...
0:05:22 > 0:05:24But that's where you feel you're sort of bound to go?
0:05:24 > 0:05:26Yeah, but it's something I'm clearly not capable of doing.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29I mean, each series is like a suicide note
0:05:29 > 0:05:31or someone that's carried out a crime
0:05:31 > 0:05:33and is leaving written in blood on the wall,
0:05:33 > 0:05:35"Stop me before I do this again."
0:05:35 > 0:05:37And yet they seem to keep coming back
0:05:37 > 0:05:42and driving me further and further towards this sort of position
0:05:42 > 0:05:44of utter dislocation.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46OK, I'm a reader, right?
0:05:46 > 0:05:50But I used to wait till books were second-hand or discounted,
0:05:50 > 0:05:51but I don't have to now.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54For example, when a new Lee Mack book is published...
0:05:56 > 0:05:59..I buy it on the day it comes out
0:05:59 > 0:06:04from Tesco's for 16.99.
0:06:04 > 0:06:08I don't even wait until the next day when it will be 50p at The Works...
0:06:13 > 0:06:14..or even less
0:06:14 > 0:06:19as part of a three-stickered-items for a pound offer,
0:06:19 > 0:06:22along with some wool
0:06:22 > 0:06:26and a 2008 Graham Norton calendar.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33You see that bloke with glasses up there,
0:06:33 > 0:06:35he's not laughing at all, on the table,
0:06:35 > 0:06:37do you see him with his beard?
0:06:37 > 0:06:38He's sort of going, "Oh."
0:06:38 > 0:06:41He's going, "Oh, he's having a go at Graham Norton now."
0:06:41 > 0:06:44Right, I'm not. OK, I'm not having a go at Graham Norton, OK?
0:06:44 > 0:06:47I'm just saying that an out-of-date Graham Norton calendar
0:06:47 > 0:06:49is like something that would be in The Works, is it?
0:06:49 > 0:06:51Yes, it is, it's not having a go at...
0:06:51 > 0:06:54I actually...I like Graham Norton, OK? I have...
0:06:54 > 0:06:59I have... I'm going to come off book to put you at ease, all right?
0:06:59 > 0:07:01I have a thing with Graham Norton where I...
0:07:01 > 0:07:04You probably have this with a band or a football team or something,
0:07:04 > 0:07:09whenever he does well, I feel like it's my success, do you get that?
0:07:10 > 0:07:13So, if it goes, "Graham Norton has £1,000,000 publishing deal,"
0:07:13 > 0:07:14I go, "Yeah!"
0:07:16 > 0:07:20And the reason for this, right, is because in 1992,
0:07:20 > 0:07:23I was in the same venue as Graham Norton for a month,
0:07:23 > 0:07:26in The Fringe in Edinburgh. It was a 40-seater attic
0:07:26 > 0:07:32at the Pleasance Theatre and I was on at 9.45 in the morning
0:07:32 > 0:07:34and he was on at 11 or something. And I used to see him in the...
0:07:34 > 0:07:37He was...he had a one-man show about the Carpenters,
0:07:37 > 0:07:40if you must know, and I used to see him in the...
0:07:40 > 0:07:43He did, do you find it amusing that someone who's now famous
0:07:43 > 0:07:44once had to struggle?
0:07:44 > 0:07:45Well, that's how it works.
0:07:45 > 0:07:49Well, I used to see him in the hand over
0:07:49 > 0:07:51and he was always very nice, so to this day,
0:07:51 > 0:07:54when I see that he's done really well, like, if it goes
0:07:54 > 0:07:57"Graham Norton is the highest-paid man on TV," or something,
0:07:57 > 0:07:59I go, "Yeah!"
0:07:59 > 0:08:01Attic, attic lads!
0:08:01 > 0:08:02Do you know what I mean?
0:08:02 > 0:08:06I have a similar thing with Napalm Death, do you know them?
0:08:06 > 0:08:09Grindcore pioneers - Napalm Death.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12Cos I was actually at school with Napalm Death
0:08:12 > 0:08:16and I was, I used to go orienteering with Napalm Death.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19I did, that's not a new BBC Four programme.
0:08:21 > 0:08:25I used to go orienteering with the original line-up of Napalm Death
0:08:25 > 0:08:29every other weekend all around the Wrekin in Shropshire,
0:08:29 > 0:08:35but, it wasn't square middle-class watching BBC Two orienteering,
0:08:35 > 0:08:37like you would do,
0:08:37 > 0:08:40it was second wave anarcho-punk orienteering.
0:08:41 > 0:08:45We had maps, but all the boundaries were crossed out.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:08:55 > 0:08:57You'd think there would be more on that, wouldn't you?
0:08:57 > 0:08:58It's a good joke.
0:08:58 > 0:09:03It's one of the three best jokes in this half hour, that.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09I tell you what, when the other good ones come up,
0:09:09 > 0:09:12I'll give you a little...a little signal.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18But to this day, I mean, there's not even any of them
0:09:18 > 0:09:20in Napalm Death any more from them,
0:09:20 > 0:09:21but I'll be on the internet,
0:09:21 > 0:09:25you know, and I'll see that Napalm Death are in Brazil or something,
0:09:25 > 0:09:28headlining Cunt Fest '15 or whatever and I go,
0:09:28 > 0:09:32"Yeah, orienteering."
0:09:32 > 0:09:38And I have a similar thing with Graham Norton, I go...
0:09:38 > 0:09:42Well...interesting cos earlier this year,
0:09:42 > 0:09:46last year it was the BAFTAs, do you know that?
0:09:46 > 0:09:49It's the British Academy of Film and Television,
0:09:49 > 0:09:51like the TV Oscars, basically.
0:09:51 > 0:09:55Anyway, Graham Norton's chat show that he does,
0:09:55 > 0:10:01that actually beats this series for the Best TV Comedy BAFTA, so...
0:10:04 > 0:10:06No...
0:10:06 > 0:10:09OK, I don't mind, I just thought it was a bit sort of strange,
0:10:09 > 0:10:10isn't it?
0:10:13 > 0:10:16Do you not think? I don't know. Just seems...
0:10:18 > 0:10:23Strange, uneasy crowd, aren't you, tonight? Very...
0:10:23 > 0:10:26OK, I'm not saying I'm a better comedian
0:10:26 > 0:10:29than Graham Norton, OK, if that's what you're thinking.
0:10:32 > 0:10:36OK, I didn't go to the BAFTAs and boo, if that's what you're...
0:10:38 > 0:10:42I never go... I never go to those awards anyway, because I'm not...
0:10:42 > 0:10:45It doesn't even get as far as...
0:10:45 > 0:10:49cos I'm not like a telly personality.
0:10:49 > 0:10:54I'm a live act, really, so, I'm working late 320-odd nights a year,
0:10:54 > 0:10:57so, if they suddenly go, "Can you come to the BAFTAs?"
0:10:57 > 0:11:00I can't go anyway, so I don't...you know...
0:11:00 > 0:11:03I can't, so, you know, with the last BAFTAs,
0:11:03 > 0:11:06I don't even know where I was, when it was on, to be honest.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10Salford, I think...
0:11:14 > 0:11:17I tell you what, it was Salford Quays, I tell you why I know, right?
0:11:17 > 0:11:21No, I'm not interested, genuinely, in the BAFTAs,
0:11:21 > 0:11:24but I remember it was Salford Quays, cos I did the gig at The Lowry
0:11:24 > 0:11:27and then I went back to the Premier Inn. And I was...
0:11:27 > 0:11:30AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:11:33 > 0:11:36Premier Inn's funnier than a clever joke about orienteering?
0:11:36 > 0:11:40No, I'm just saying, it's interesting that you...
0:11:40 > 0:11:43No, it's just interesting that you don't laugh at a clever joke
0:11:43 > 0:11:47about orienteering, but you have a kind of snobbish reaction
0:11:47 > 0:11:49to discount fucking...
0:11:52 > 0:11:54It's gone wrong... You know...
0:11:54 > 0:11:56Do you remember in the old days,
0:11:56 > 0:11:59there weren't loads of horrible snobs, were there, in the audience?
0:11:59 > 0:12:01But the sort of people this attracts now,
0:12:01 > 0:12:03it's what I read on the internet...
0:12:03 > 0:12:06On the internet, the other comics say that all the people that like me
0:12:06 > 0:12:07are cunts, right?
0:12:07 > 0:12:10And they are, aren't they? You listen to that.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12They're the sort of people...
0:12:12 > 0:12:15They didn't used to be, but they are now.
0:12:15 > 0:12:16They're the sort of people going,
0:12:16 > 0:12:18"Oh, imagine staying in the Travelodge
0:12:18 > 0:12:20"or the Premier Inn, oh."
0:12:21 > 0:12:24But then, yet, they don't know what orienteering is,
0:12:24 > 0:12:28so they're sort of snobs, but they're ignorant and stupid as well.
0:12:32 > 0:12:36The Premier Inn is fine, to be honest, and I think it's...
0:12:36 > 0:12:38I mean, if you're in Salford Quays,
0:12:38 > 0:12:41you're basically either in the Premier Inn, which is fine,
0:12:41 > 0:12:44or you have to go in the Holiday Inn, which is a bit sort of...
0:12:44 > 0:12:48You know, the price difference is not always...
0:12:49 > 0:12:50They're still sniggering away.
0:12:50 > 0:12:55OK, why do you think...why do you think it cost 20 quid less to see me
0:12:55 > 0:12:57than Kevin Bridges and all these sorts of people?
0:12:58 > 0:13:01Because I pass the savings on to the consumer, that is why,
0:13:01 > 0:13:05and I just get this sort of contempt from the public.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11Anyway, I went back to the Premier Inn,
0:13:11 > 0:13:13I got in my pants,
0:13:13 > 0:13:14I made a cup of tea and I thought,
0:13:14 > 0:13:16I'll put the telly on and it was that thing
0:13:16 > 0:13:19where you know it's, like, when it comes on two hours later
0:13:19 > 0:13:21on plus-two or whatever and the BAFTAs was on.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24And I thought, you know, I'm going to watch cos...
0:13:24 > 0:13:26I don't care about what happens, but I'm always curious.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29So, I watched it and the bloke goes,
0:13:29 > 0:13:33"And the winner for Best TV Comedy is Graham Norton."
0:13:33 > 0:13:35And I just went, "Oh, is it?" You know.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39Then I went to bed, I went straight to sleep.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45Cos I don't...I don't care at all, you know.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49I'm not, you know, I'm not...I don't mind...
0:13:49 > 0:13:53and I wish him well and I'm not saying, you know...
0:13:55 > 0:13:57Have you seen his show though?
0:14:01 > 0:14:04No, it's good, you know.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07He's very good in it, but...
0:14:10 > 0:14:13It's a chat show, isn't it? It's a chat show.
0:14:13 > 0:14:17You know, people come in and, you know, he goes, "Hello."
0:14:17 > 0:14:18And they go, "Hello, Graham."
0:14:18 > 0:14:23And he goes, "Oh, you're in a film now, aren't you?" "Yes."
0:14:23 > 0:14:25"Is it a good film?" "Yeah, it's brilliant."
0:14:27 > 0:14:33Then some more ones come in, don't they? And they all talk.
0:14:36 > 0:14:40Then, at the end, one of the audience,
0:14:40 > 0:14:43they go in a chair, don't they?
0:14:43 > 0:14:46And they sort of fall out of it.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55That's better, apparently, than...
0:14:58 > 0:15:00No, he's good, he's very good.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03He is, he's good, people come in and he goes, "Hello."
0:15:03 > 0:15:05And they go, "Hello, Graham."
0:15:05 > 0:15:08And he goes, "Ooh, you look brown, have you been on holiday?"
0:15:08 > 0:15:12"Yes." "Was it hot?" "Yes, Graham."
0:15:12 > 0:15:16"Too hot, by the looks of it." "It was too hot, yes."
0:15:16 > 0:15:19"Bet you're glad to be back here, aren't you?" "Yes."
0:15:22 > 0:15:24You do that in your house, don't you?
0:15:24 > 0:15:27People come round and you go, "Hello, hello.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30How are you, are you all right?" "Yes."
0:15:30 > 0:15:32"How's Robin, is he all right?"
0:15:32 > 0:15:36"Yes, he's got a bad leg." "Has he? Is he in work?"
0:15:36 > 0:15:38"No, he's had..."
0:15:38 > 0:15:41You know, you're not sitting there going, "Where's my BAFTA," are you?"
0:15:41 > 0:15:42You just...
0:15:47 > 0:15:53I don't care. I don't mind, I just can't really...make any...
0:15:53 > 0:15:56BAFTA, isn't it? It's like...a proper...
0:15:56 > 0:15:59You know, a BAFTA is a proper...
0:15:59 > 0:16:01it's the British Academy of Film and Television,
0:16:01 > 0:16:04it's got a big office down on Piccadilly, you know,
0:16:04 > 0:16:07it's not like TV Quick or something like this.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11It just surprises me that they don't seem to have
0:16:11 > 0:16:13any sort of logical system in place for...
0:16:15 > 0:16:17You don't...OK, fine, I don't care,
0:16:17 > 0:16:19I don't care what you think, all right?
0:16:21 > 0:16:24Have you seen my sh...? Between this show that you're at...
0:16:28 > 0:16:31I write this, takes me about two years to write these,
0:16:31 > 0:16:33this is all written, what I'm saying now.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37And it's not just talking, this show,
0:16:37 > 0:16:40it's very carefully structured and there's all this...
0:16:40 > 0:16:43I mean, you're watching this now and you're thinking,
0:16:43 > 0:16:44"What's this? It's nothing."
0:16:44 > 0:16:47It isn't, it all ties together at the end.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50You won't realise till... You may never realise.
0:16:54 > 0:16:55You know.
0:16:55 > 0:16:56But...
0:16:58 > 0:17:00..I'll tell you what...
0:17:01 > 0:17:04..I don't care about it, I just don't know what kind of message
0:17:04 > 0:17:05it sends out to young people,
0:17:05 > 0:17:08cos they're the future, aren't they, the kids, you know?
0:17:08 > 0:17:11And it's like saying to them, "Oh, don't work really hard
0:17:11 > 0:17:13"on something for years, trying to make it really good,
0:17:13 > 0:17:15"like a fucking mug."
0:17:17 > 0:17:19"Just talk to Gary Barlow about nothing."
0:17:24 > 0:17:28Anyway, I don't care. I don't mind.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34I was watching the BAFTAs again, actually, the other week, because...
0:17:34 > 0:17:37No, I don't sit at home watching it over and over, going,
0:17:37 > 0:17:41"Ohh." No, what it is, right, I looked it up on YouTube, the awards,
0:17:41 > 0:17:43cos something occurred to me the other...
0:17:43 > 0:17:45I haven't thought about it for about a year
0:17:45 > 0:17:47and I suddenly thought, "I must check that."
0:17:47 > 0:17:49OK, what it is, right, do you think
0:17:49 > 0:17:52Graham Norton has seen this show, right?
0:17:52 > 0:17:55- What do you think? AUDIENCE MEMBERS:- No.
0:17:55 > 0:17:58Well, he has definitely, because he's a member of BAFTA
0:17:58 > 0:18:01and they get sent all the things to watch them, right?
0:18:01 > 0:18:03So, he's seen this show.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06This is the interesting thing if you watch the awards, right,
0:18:06 > 0:18:07you can see it on YouTube.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09He's sitting there and the bloke goes,
0:18:09 > 0:18:12"And the winner of Best TV Comedy is Graham Norton," right?
0:18:12 > 0:18:14He's seen my show, remember.
0:18:16 > 0:18:20He gets up, right? He goes up to where all the awards are
0:18:20 > 0:18:22and he accepts the BAFTA, he's seen my show
0:18:22 > 0:18:26and he accepts the BAFTA as if he genuinely thinks he deserves it.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28LAUGHTER
0:18:30 > 0:18:33I know and you know what, right?
0:18:33 > 0:18:36Fair play to him, I mean the fucking front of the bloke.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38You know, the balls of him, the balls of him.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41He fronts it out.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43Like, and of course, in his mind, he must be going,
0:18:43 > 0:18:45"Oh, God, what's going on? This is insane."
0:18:47 > 0:18:50Then he makes a little speech and he can't have prepared it, you know,
0:18:50 > 0:18:52as if...
0:18:52 > 0:18:55It's like butter wouldn't melt in his mouth, it's absolutely...
0:18:55 > 0:18:59It is the most amazing piece of film you'll ever see,
0:18:59 > 0:19:01It's more amazing...
0:19:01 > 0:19:03And then he walks back down through all the TV people,
0:19:03 > 0:19:05who're all clapping away, about 300 of them.
0:19:05 > 0:19:09You know, no-one tries to stop him. They don't know...
0:19:09 > 0:19:11No, they don't.
0:19:11 > 0:19:15You know, if you see a crime being committed, normally, you get on...
0:19:19 > 0:19:22James Corden's there. Do you know him? James Corden?
0:19:22 > 0:19:25I don't know James Corden personally, right,
0:19:25 > 0:19:27but he's always going on in interviews
0:19:27 > 0:19:29about how brilliant he thinks I am, right?
0:19:29 > 0:19:32And the feeling is not reciprocated.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41Britain's loss is America's loss also.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47He's there clapping away, James Corden.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50Honestly, if you google James Corden and my name,
0:19:50 > 0:19:52you'll find all these interviews, you know,
0:19:52 > 0:19:54there's people going to him, "What's your favourite thing?"
0:19:54 > 0:19:57And he goes, "Oh, Stewart Lee's brilliant."
0:19:57 > 0:19:59You know, trying to make out he's clever.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02LAUGHTER
0:20:04 > 0:20:06Imagine James Corden watching me.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10Like a dog listening to classical music.
0:20:14 > 0:20:18It's ridiculous, isn't it? A lie. PR bullshit.
0:20:21 > 0:20:25He's there clapping away and Graham Norton walks right...
0:20:25 > 0:20:28He doesn't do anything, James Corden.
0:20:28 > 0:20:29He's a big bloke, isn't he?
0:20:29 > 0:20:32He could've jumped up, got Graham Norton,
0:20:32 > 0:20:35got him on the floor going, "What are you doing?
0:20:35 > 0:20:36"You can't have that."
0:20:53 > 0:20:55Anyway, I don't care, I just...
0:20:55 > 0:20:57I don't care, right?
0:20:58 > 0:21:00I'm just saying...
0:21:02 > 0:21:05You know, there are practical considerations for this, right?
0:21:05 > 0:21:10I am 47, I've had two kids a bit too late in life, to be honest.
0:21:10 > 0:21:11And I've got...
0:21:11 > 0:21:15Well, yeah, you know, I've got a mortgage as of last year.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17I appreciate I'm very lucky to be able to get a mortgage,
0:21:17 > 0:21:21but the fact is I've worked out to shift that debt,
0:21:21 > 0:21:23to sort those kids out, I'm going to have to carry on working
0:21:23 > 0:21:27not necessarily on TV, not necessarily to big crowds of people
0:21:27 > 0:21:30but certainly, you know, five, six nights a week
0:21:30 > 0:21:32into my mid-70s, you know and a...
0:21:34 > 0:21:38..a BAFTA might just have helped to...
0:21:44 > 0:21:45Graham Norton...
0:21:46 > 0:21:49Why would he want children to suffer?
0:21:52 > 0:21:56You do set up this premise that Graham Norton
0:21:56 > 0:21:59wins the Comedy Award when you should have won it.
0:21:59 > 0:22:03What you leave out is it was the Comedy and Entertainment Award
0:22:03 > 0:22:05and if you say that,
0:22:05 > 0:22:08then Graham Norton's winning of it seems much more reasonable.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11Was it for Comedy and Entertainment, is that what the category was?
0:22:11 > 0:22:14- You've only just found that out? - I didn't know that. I wouldn't...
0:22:14 > 0:22:18- When you wrote the...- I wouldn't have written it if I'd known that, cos I wouldn't have been able...
0:22:18 > 0:22:21Don't make it like it's my fault, you said, "If I'd known that..."
0:22:21 > 0:22:23I didn't withhold the information from you,
0:22:23 > 0:22:27- it was there on the programme. - Look, if it's for entertainment,
0:22:27 > 0:22:29then I think it's fine that he won it,
0:22:29 > 0:22:31because he's undeniably entertaining.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33So, you've just, basically, now overturned that whole...
0:22:33 > 0:22:35Well, I didn't know, I thought it was for...
0:22:35 > 0:22:37Comedy to me is like, you know,
0:22:37 > 0:22:39it's sort of a big subject, it's an art form,
0:22:39 > 0:22:41but if it's just for entertainment, then fine.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44This isn't entertainment, no-one would think that.
0:22:44 > 0:22:49No-one's sitting at home, watching this going, "How entertaining."
0:22:49 > 0:22:51No-one gets to the end of it and goes,
0:22:51 > 0:22:54"Well, I've been royally entertained by that, do they?"
0:22:54 > 0:22:57But they can't deny that it's comedy and the reason why it's comedy
0:22:57 > 0:22:59- is cos it has... - No entertainment value?
0:22:59 > 0:23:02This is the problem I have now that I enjoy a degree of security,
0:23:02 > 0:23:06What is my social responsibility to others, to the world?
0:23:06 > 0:23:11For example, prostitutes work in the alley behind where I live.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13And like a lot of stand-up comedians,
0:23:13 > 0:23:16I don't really mind prostitutes, like a lot of stand-up comedians.
0:23:16 > 0:23:21I don't. I both relate to and sympathise with prostitutes.
0:23:21 > 0:23:24Cos I know what it's like to provide people with a service they crave
0:23:24 > 0:23:26and yet to be despised for it.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32At least prostitutes don't have people writing in
0:23:32 > 0:23:34to tell them how they could have done it better.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38"You should be more racist, mate."
0:23:41 > 0:23:43But...
0:23:44 > 0:23:46The only problem with the prostitutes
0:23:46 > 0:23:49is they throw their used condoms full of sperm into the garden
0:23:49 > 0:23:52and when we moved in, I told the kids
0:23:52 > 0:23:54that fairies lived at the bottom of the garden.
0:23:56 > 0:24:00And my two-year-old saw a used condom hanging on the tree
0:24:00 > 0:24:02and she said to me, "Ooh, what's that?"
0:24:02 > 0:24:05And I went, "It's a fairy's rain hat."
0:24:07 > 0:24:11And she said, "Oh, then why is it full of sperm?"
0:24:19 > 0:24:21Kids say the funniest things, don't they?
0:24:21 > 0:24:24LAUGHTER
0:24:26 > 0:24:29Kids say the funniest things. You like that, do you?
0:24:29 > 0:24:31Kids say the funniest things.
0:24:32 > 0:24:33My God.
0:24:35 > 0:24:36I stand before them,
0:24:36 > 0:24:41a 47-year-old man, hundreds of thousands of pounds in debt,
0:24:41 > 0:24:44doing shit hack kids say the funniest things stuff
0:24:44 > 0:24:46to try and pay it off.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50Who used to come and see me in the '90s when I was good?
0:24:50 > 0:24:52Anyone remember?
0:24:53 > 0:24:57I wouldn't have done kids say the funniest things stuff then, would I?
0:24:57 > 0:25:00I can't afford to reject monetisable content
0:25:00 > 0:25:02merely because it's of no artistic value.
0:25:05 > 0:25:08Sometimes I wonder who's the real prostitute.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15Sometimes I think I should invite those prostitutes in
0:25:15 > 0:25:17to live with me.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20That's what Jesus would have done...
0:25:22 > 0:25:26..but only if there was the chance of an aromatic foot bath.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31Should be more for that, really.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34I'm all for a secular society,
0:25:34 > 0:25:37but let's not throw the baby out with the bath water.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41You need to know those old stories.
0:25:41 > 0:25:43We were all out in the garden, the whole family
0:25:43 > 0:25:46and we saw a fox trying to eat one of the used condoms
0:25:46 > 0:25:50and I know he was having a terrible time of it, the fox.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53He looked like a man with badly-fitted dentures,
0:25:53 > 0:25:55ill-advisedly dining on oysters.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57LAUGHTER
0:26:02 > 0:26:04Two-speed room.
0:26:06 > 0:26:12I told my six-year-old that the fox was eating fox chewing gum.
0:26:12 > 0:26:13And he said,
0:26:13 > 0:26:17"Oh, why did the prostitutes throw fox chewing gum into the garden...
0:26:20 > 0:26:22"..covered in sperm?"
0:26:24 > 0:26:25He didn't say that, did he?
0:26:27 > 0:26:29I made it up for money.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31LAUGHTER
0:26:37 > 0:26:38Talking about prostitutes,
0:26:38 > 0:26:41I don't want to look like these Mock The Week comics,
0:26:41 > 0:26:43making fun of people worse off than me,
0:26:43 > 0:26:45but as a politically correct liberal,
0:26:45 > 0:26:48I don't know if I'm supposed to regard sex workers
0:26:48 > 0:26:51as victims of exploitation or as empowered women
0:26:51 > 0:26:52making positive lifestyle choices.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55And that's why when I get home late at night
0:26:55 > 0:26:57and the prostitutes approach you around the garages after gigs,
0:26:57 > 0:27:00I always offer them £5 for a swift run down on the various
0:27:00 > 0:27:03ideological issues affecting the subject
0:27:03 > 0:27:05and a quick chat about how it impacts on the wider world
0:27:05 > 0:27:08of women's personal and political freedoms generally...
0:27:09 > 0:27:12..which is something I can get at home for free.
0:27:14 > 0:27:17What's wrong with me? I'm sick!
0:27:21 > 0:27:23It's the lure of the forbidden.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30One of them said to me, "Where have you been tonight?"
0:27:30 > 0:27:33I said, "I've been doing a telly thing,
0:27:33 > 0:27:35"talking about how kids say the funniest things."
0:27:35 > 0:27:38She said, "You shouldn't have to do that, here's 20 quid."
0:27:41 > 0:27:44If you'd bothered to finish this show properly,
0:27:44 > 0:27:45how would it have ended?
0:27:45 > 0:27:48The show is never finished.
0:27:48 > 0:27:50It's documented and then you have to move on.
0:27:50 > 0:27:54Somewhere, the show's still sort of playing out.
0:27:54 > 0:27:57Every time it's watched by people, they respond differently to it.
0:27:57 > 0:28:00Is that what you say if you hand in something that's under-length,
0:28:00 > 0:28:02say, to the BBC, do you say,
0:28:02 > 0:28:04"Don't worry, somewhere it's still playing out"?
0:28:04 > 0:28:08Yeah. Like, sounds travelling out into space forever.
0:28:08 > 0:28:10And what do they say to you?
0:28:10 > 0:28:13They go, "Can you make it 28 minutes long, please?"
0:28:13 > 0:28:17Next on BBC Four, Orienteering With Napalm Death.
0:28:19 > 0:28:23MUSIC: Pseudo Youth by Napalm Death