0:00:02 > 0:00:04- This is clearly the weakest of the four series that you've done.- Yeah.
0:00:04 > 0:00:06Is that deliberate?
0:00:06 > 0:00:10This programme contains adult humour and very strong language.
0:00:10 > 0:00:13Like most reasonable people, I hate all Muslims,
0:00:13 > 0:00:15except the ones I've met, who seem fine.
0:00:22 > 0:00:25Now, we all know... Don't we? ..that Islamic State
0:00:25 > 0:00:28does not represent Islam, although inconveniently,
0:00:28 > 0:00:29it does appear to have been named after it.
0:00:31 > 0:00:34So, if the military campaign fails, perhaps we can have them dealt with
0:00:34 > 0:00:36by the Advertising Standards Authority...
0:00:37 > 0:00:39..in the strongest terms.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44Religious people generally are sort of tarnished by association
0:00:44 > 0:00:47with extremism, so it is nice when you see a religious person
0:00:47 > 0:00:50doing something normal, like when that Muslim woman
0:00:50 > 0:00:53won the Bake Off competition on the BBC.
0:00:53 > 0:00:54Of course, the Daily Mail went mad.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56They said it was political correctness gone mad,
0:00:56 > 0:00:58they said in the Daily Mail.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01And they said perhaps one of the other contestants would have won
0:01:01 > 0:01:03if they'd baked a chocolate mosque.
0:01:03 > 0:01:07That's what they said in the Daily Mail.
0:01:07 > 0:01:08Genuinely. But...
0:01:10 > 0:01:14..you can't just win Bake Off by baking a politically-correct cake.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17I know this because I sent Mary Berry
0:01:17 > 0:01:19a fudge abortion clinic...
0:01:19 > 0:01:21LAUGHTER
0:01:29 > 0:01:32..with a protective ring of sponge-finger feminists...
0:01:35 > 0:01:37..and all I got was a warning from the police.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42A Muslim baking a cake?
0:01:42 > 0:01:44It's political correctness gone mad.
0:01:44 > 0:01:48What next? Windsurfing Sikhs?
0:01:49 > 0:01:51Transsexuals with allotments?
0:01:53 > 0:01:54A Jew on a motorbike?
0:01:58 > 0:02:02I thought maybe they'd got a point, all these newspaper columnists
0:02:02 > 0:02:04scrawling away in crayon. Maybe it is time...
0:02:04 > 0:02:07Maybe it's time for people like me on the Loony Left,
0:02:07 > 0:02:09terrorist sympathisers,
0:02:09 > 0:02:13maybe it's time for us to try and be more Islamophobic,
0:02:13 > 0:02:18try some of the Islamophobia, get the Daily Mail off my back,
0:02:18 > 0:02:22create the illusion of balance, work the Islamophobic market.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25That's a growing market, isn't it? The Islamophobic market.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Everyone's Islamophobic now, aren't they?
0:02:27 > 0:02:32Old Donald Trump in that America, he's Islamophobic, isn't he?
0:02:32 > 0:02:35And his name sounds like the sort of name Walt Disney would've made up
0:02:35 > 0:02:37if he'd been asked to invent a fart that could speak.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40LAUGHTER
0:02:42 > 0:02:46Old Jim Davidson the comedian, he's Islamophobic, isn't he?
0:02:46 > 0:02:48Probably. I don't know, I expect so. He looks like he would be.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50LAUGHTER
0:02:50 > 0:02:54You know, shouldn't generalise about people but...
0:02:54 > 0:02:57He had a comeback show on the road, Jim Davidson.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59It was called I Didn't Even Rape Anyone.
0:03:01 > 0:03:02You're not supposed to, are you?
0:03:04 > 0:03:07You know, you don't make a big song and dance about not doing it.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10He's Islamophobic, I expect.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12Even a lot of Muslims aren't that keen now, are they?
0:03:12 > 0:03:14What about their schools in Birmingham?
0:03:14 > 0:03:15It's outrageous, isn't it?
0:03:15 > 0:03:18No child should have to go to school in Birmingham.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23I can do jokes, you see, I'm just not...
0:03:23 > 0:03:26It's not something that's of interest to me.
0:03:26 > 0:03:30So, I thought I'd do some of that, the Islamophobia.
0:03:30 > 0:03:34But it's all very well, isn't it? Being ironically Islamophobic
0:03:34 > 0:03:37in a working men's club full of Guardian readers.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43The vegetarian restaurants of Hackney are quiet tonight.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50The halloumi sleeps safely... LAUGHTER
0:03:53 > 0:03:59..ungrilled in its little vacuumy nest.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01It's all right, isn't it, being Islamophobic to you,
0:04:01 > 0:04:05but how to get the Islamophobia out into the wider world,
0:04:05 > 0:04:06where all the idiots are,
0:04:06 > 0:04:10to really disrupt the fabric of a functioning society?
0:04:10 > 0:04:14Well, I thought, "What kind of stand-up do people like?"
0:04:14 > 0:04:17It isn't this, is it? This is very niche, what I do.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20Out there in TV land, there's huge pockets of resistance.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22But...
0:04:22 > 0:04:26So, what kind of stand-up do people like? And it's observational comedy,
0:04:26 > 0:04:28that's the most popular form of stand-up.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30If you don't know what that is, observational comedy,
0:04:30 > 0:04:34it's ITV1, BBC1, sort of - "Oh, have you seen this?" "Yes" -
0:04:34 > 0:04:35sort of stuff. LAUGHTER
0:04:35 > 0:04:37Or...
0:04:37 > 0:04:38"Do you do this? I do." "Yes."
0:04:38 > 0:04:40Or, "Do you remember this?"
0:04:40 > 0:04:43AGGRESSIVELY: "Yes! Yes! For fuck sake! Yes!"
0:04:46 > 0:04:47See them out there?
0:04:47 > 0:04:49They're going, "Oh, now it's picking up."
0:04:50 > 0:04:53You remember things, don't you? Do you remember things?
0:04:53 > 0:04:55And you did something, didn't you, once?
0:04:57 > 0:05:00You just stay at home now, though, don't you? Watching telly.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03So, I thought I'd do that...
0:05:04 > 0:05:06..observational comedy, cos people like that...
0:05:06 > 0:05:08AGGRESSIVELY: Don't you?
0:05:08 > 0:05:11..but of a specifically anti-Islamic flavour.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14Try and do some Islamophobic observational comedy.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17So, here we are for the first time,
0:05:17 > 0:05:20some anti-Islamic observational comedy.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39HE SIGHS
0:05:44 > 0:05:47Oh, have you...? Oh.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49Have you seen these Muslims they have now?
0:05:51 > 0:05:54Nah, it's not enough, is it? LAUGHTER
0:05:54 > 0:05:58I tell you what, it's harder than it looks, the observational comedy.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01It's not enough, just observing something,
0:06:01 > 0:06:03you've got to have some kind of angle as well.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05I thought, "How am I going to get
0:06:05 > 0:06:09"28 minutes anti-Islamic observational comedy together?"
0:06:09 > 0:06:13Daily Mail off back, illusion of balance, Islamophobic market.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15And then as luck would have it, one Saturday morning,
0:06:15 > 0:06:18I was on the 149 bus in East London, round here where I live.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21I was travelling up from Liverpool Street station
0:06:21 > 0:06:24to Stamford Hill. And on the bus, I saw,
0:06:24 > 0:06:27on the only empty seat on the bus,
0:06:27 > 0:06:30an abandoned copy of the Jehovah's Witnesses magazine
0:06:30 > 0:06:32Watchtower, right?
0:06:32 > 0:06:37Now, I love the Jehovah's Witnesses, not least of all
0:06:37 > 0:06:40because they have predicted the end of the world, wrongly,
0:06:40 > 0:06:42five times now... LAUGHTER
0:06:42 > 0:06:46..and they don't seem to feel this compromises them in any way.
0:06:47 > 0:06:53"That's right, Stew, have a go at the Jehovah's Witnesses, mate,
0:06:53 > 0:06:56"for not being able to predict the future. Well done."
0:06:56 > 0:06:59This is you, this is what you think, isn't it?
0:06:59 > 0:07:02Back at home with your inner Sun editorial ticking away.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04"Have a go at them!
0:07:04 > 0:07:08"How come none of you politically correct, 1980s,
0:07:08 > 0:07:10"gay, Marxist comedians
0:07:10 > 0:07:13"never have a go at the fucking Muslims, do you?
0:07:13 > 0:07:16"When you going to stick it to the Islams? Come on!
0:07:16 > 0:07:19"Get the Muslims, you fucking gay cunt!"
0:07:24 > 0:07:26Who are you?
0:07:28 > 0:07:32See, the Islamophobia out there,
0:07:32 > 0:07:34it's like a furnace of hate.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37"Get them! Get the fucking... Get them now!
0:07:37 > 0:07:41"One in five Muslims thinks that Morecambe and Wise
0:07:41 > 0:07:44"were better when they went to ITV." LAUGHTER
0:07:46 > 0:07:48This is you, this is what you think.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51"One in five Muslims thinks Paul McGann
0:07:51 > 0:07:54"was an acceptable Doctor Who."
0:07:54 > 0:07:56That's what you think. It's what they think.
0:07:56 > 0:08:00"One in five Muslims has some sympathy
0:08:00 > 0:08:03"with David Bowie's late-'90s drum and bass period."
0:08:03 > 0:08:05LAUGHTER It's what you...
0:08:05 > 0:08:07"Get the fucking... Get them now!"
0:08:07 > 0:08:09All right, calm down.
0:08:10 > 0:08:14I can't just come out here and start laying into Islam out of nowhere,
0:08:14 > 0:08:16can I?
0:08:16 > 0:08:18No. I've got to stick it to all the stupid, weak religions
0:08:18 > 0:08:22first of all and then use their shattered bones
0:08:22 > 0:08:26as a kind of makeshift rope ladder to climb up and urinate
0:08:26 > 0:08:28through the letterbox of heaven.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30"Get them now! Get them, you...!"
0:08:30 > 0:08:31All right.
0:08:33 > 0:08:34I assure you...
0:08:36 > 0:08:40..within three minutes' time, on this television programme,
0:08:40 > 0:08:43on this stage, a Muslim will have been lampooned.
0:08:43 > 0:08:44"Get them!"
0:08:46 > 0:08:48So...
0:08:54 > 0:08:57If it was up to me, this wouldn't be on television.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03Anyone can watch it, you know that?
0:09:05 > 0:09:06So, I was on the 149 bus,
0:09:06 > 0:09:10there's a Jehovah's Witness magazine, Watchtower, on the seat.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13And then around Dalston Junction, just over that way,
0:09:13 > 0:09:16a Muslim woman gets on the bus, walks up the aisle,
0:09:16 > 0:09:22sees the Jehovah's Witness magazine on the seat and sits on it, right?
0:09:22 > 0:09:25And I was hoping she would, to be honest, cos I thought,
0:09:25 > 0:09:27"Oh, good, I've observed that."
0:09:27 > 0:09:30LAUGHTER
0:09:40 > 0:09:42LAUGHTER CONTINUES
0:09:48 > 0:09:51I don't know if she knew what it was. I don't know if she knew it was
0:09:51 > 0:09:53a holy Jehovah's Witness magazine or not.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56I'm prepared to give her the benefit of the doubt even though,
0:09:56 > 0:09:59if a Jehovah's Witness had sat on a copy of the Koran,
0:09:59 > 0:10:01I'm sure we'd never hear the end of it.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05LAUGHTER
0:10:06 > 0:10:09Except... So, I thought, it doesn't matter, does it, really?
0:10:09 > 0:10:13Except that then while sitting on the Jehovah's Witness magazine,
0:10:13 > 0:10:16the Muslim woman got a copy of the Koran out of her bag,
0:10:16 > 0:10:18which she started to read, as if to say,
0:10:18 > 0:10:20"I read the Koran with my eyes,
0:10:20 > 0:10:23"but I read your infidel Jehovah's Witness magazine..."
0:10:24 > 0:10:27You see, that's how... Did you come in fast there?
0:10:27 > 0:10:30That's how that joke works, see? You crash it halfway through.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32You crash the joke.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34Did you laugh? Did you anticipate it at home?
0:10:34 > 0:10:36No, cos you're not listening properly, are you?
0:10:36 > 0:10:38There's two jokes then.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41There's the joke itself and there's a second joke, isn't there?
0:10:41 > 0:10:43Where the audience go, "Oh, how amusing.
0:10:43 > 0:10:47"Any blasphemous content was merely only subconsciously articulated
0:10:47 > 0:10:49"by us."
0:10:49 > 0:10:51Two laughs here in the room.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54You at home are just going, "Oh, that sentence hasn't finished."
0:10:56 > 0:11:01"I paid my licence fee to hear entire sentences.
0:11:01 > 0:11:05"I agree with John Whittingdale, the BBC's rubbish.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07"There aren't even full sentences on it."
0:11:07 > 0:11:08So, I...
0:11:10 > 0:11:13Rupert Murdoch would have full sentences, wouldn't he?
0:11:14 > 0:11:16So...
0:11:18 > 0:11:22Isn't this an interesting thing? I assumed she was reading a Koran.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24I don't actually know, do I? It could have been anything.
0:11:24 > 0:11:28And here's an interesting thing, I like to think of myself as
0:11:28 > 0:11:29a politically-correct liberal, right?
0:11:29 > 0:11:32But I've realised, writing this bit, that I carry around
0:11:32 > 0:11:36all sorts of unconscious prejudices about all sorts of people.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39And one of them is that if I see a Muslim person reading anything
0:11:39 > 0:11:42in public, I always assume it's the Koran.
0:11:43 > 0:11:47And I think, "Oh, reading the Koran again, are you?
0:11:47 > 0:11:49"You religious maniac.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53"Why don't you try and assimilate into our society
0:11:53 > 0:11:56"by entering a cake-making competition?"
0:11:56 > 0:11:58LAUGHTER
0:12:00 > 0:12:02"But you better not win."
0:12:05 > 0:12:08But...
0:12:08 > 0:12:10But I don't know that she was reading the Koran, do I?
0:12:10 > 0:12:13She could have been reading anything, that woman, couldn't she?
0:12:13 > 0:12:15She could have been reading an Arabic edition of
0:12:15 > 0:12:17Fifty Shades Of Grey for all I know.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19Except from what I understand, in Islam,
0:12:19 > 0:12:20there aren't really any shades of grey.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22LAUGHTER
0:12:26 > 0:12:29Yeah, all sorts of responses in the room, aren't there?
0:12:29 > 0:12:33Horrible cackling of Mock The Week viewers over there.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36"Ha-ha! Get them!" And then...
0:12:38 > 0:12:45..over here, the low, confused mumbling of the key audience,
0:12:45 > 0:12:47the liberal intelligentsia there, going,
0:12:47 > 0:12:51"Ooh...not sure about that joke.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54"It's a very complex issue."
0:12:55 > 0:12:58"I can see what he's trying to do, but it's very complex.
0:12:58 > 0:13:02"Can it be boiled down to a simple feedline/punchline? I don't know."
0:13:02 > 0:13:05And that is the key audience for me.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08They will be with me long after you people who got in free
0:13:08 > 0:13:13have drifted away like the chaff you are.
0:13:13 > 0:13:17That's my dream - Wembley Stadium, 16,000 seats.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20Just them, the liberal intelligentsia,
0:13:20 > 0:13:22no laughs all night...
0:13:22 > 0:13:24LAUGHTER
0:13:24 > 0:13:28..just people going, "Well, it's very complex because
0:13:28 > 0:13:30"there's many different schools of thought within Islam,
0:13:30 > 0:13:34"so it's not really, you can't really make a generali..."
0:13:34 > 0:13:36But you... But...
0:13:37 > 0:13:39You can all laugh at that joke, right?
0:13:39 > 0:13:42I've put all the scaffolding in place that everyone needs
0:13:42 > 0:13:43to be allowed to laugh at it.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45I came over here, didn't I? And I said,
0:13:45 > 0:13:47"I am a politically correct liberal." I did that.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49Then I came here and I said,
0:13:49 > 0:13:52"But I carry around these unconscious prejudices." Did that.
0:13:52 > 0:13:53Then I came over here, didn't I?
0:13:53 > 0:13:56And I made an arguably reactionary joke about Islam
0:13:56 > 0:13:59but from a position of relative security,
0:13:59 > 0:14:01having built the apology back into the setup of the joke
0:14:01 > 0:14:04here and here, right? LAUGHTER
0:14:04 > 0:14:06And that's what a lot of these young comics, they encourage now.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09I understand you can do the offensive joke,
0:14:09 > 0:14:11but you have to do the apology first.
0:14:11 > 0:14:12You do the apology first,
0:14:12 > 0:14:15not two weeks later on Newsnight in your best polo-neck jumper.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17LAUGHTER
0:14:19 > 0:14:23Dapper Laughs, victim of a middle-class conspiracy or not,
0:14:23 > 0:14:26what kind of person gets dropped by ITV2?
0:14:28 > 0:14:30You know?
0:14:30 > 0:14:33It's like being barred from a pub that's already on fire.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41And you can laugh at that joke if you're a Muslim.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44I hope you are and I hope you did. Cos if you're a Muslim,
0:14:44 > 0:14:47you can't go, "I am a Muslim and I will not laugh at a joke
0:14:47 > 0:14:49"that suggests there's no room for nuance within Islam,"
0:14:49 > 0:14:52cos that's what the joke's about. And then it's on you, so ha!
0:14:54 > 0:14:57So everyone has to laugh. You have to laugh at everything now.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59Are you aware of that? You have to laugh at everything -
0:14:59 > 0:15:02whether you find it funny, whether you understand it,
0:15:02 > 0:15:05whether you only grasp at its historical or cultural context.
0:15:05 > 0:15:09You have to laugh at everything, otherwise you've given in to terror.
0:15:10 > 0:15:14You have to laugh at everything now - dog shit, Adam Sandler,
0:15:14 > 0:15:17Comedy Central... You've got to laugh at everything.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20Cos if you don't, the terrorists have won.
0:15:20 > 0:15:21You've got to laugh at everything.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24You've got to laugh at this. You've got to laugh at this all the time.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27So, I was on the 149 bus...
0:15:27 > 0:15:29"Get them now! Get them!"
0:15:29 > 0:15:31This leads into it, calm down.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34So, I was on the 149 bus,
0:15:34 > 0:15:35there's a...
0:15:37 > 0:15:39They're awful, aren't they? The people at home.
0:15:39 > 0:15:40I...
0:15:44 > 0:15:46So, I was on the 149 bus,
0:15:46 > 0:15:49there's a Muslim woman sitting on a Jehovah's Witness magazine,
0:15:49 > 0:15:52reading the Koran. I thought, "Brilliant, this is all I need
0:15:52 > 0:15:56"to make a 28-minute Islamophobic observational comedy routine."
0:15:56 > 0:15:58There was one other thing I wanted to happen,
0:15:58 > 0:16:01I was hoping some other religious group would get on the bus,
0:16:01 > 0:16:04sort of interact with the woman, maybe something funny would happen
0:16:04 > 0:16:06with the Jehovah's Witness magazine
0:16:06 > 0:16:08and I could sort of write something at the end going,
0:16:08 > 0:16:12"Blah, blah, blah. While I remain suspicious of religious privilege,
0:16:12 > 0:16:15"I hope we can all get on in a diverse society."
0:16:15 > 0:16:18But it didn't really happen. I sat on the bus for about five hours,
0:16:18 > 0:16:19it didn't really happen. LAUGHTER
0:16:19 > 0:16:21It nearly happened.
0:16:21 > 0:16:25Around Ridley Road Market, loads of Quakers got on the bus,
0:16:25 > 0:16:28about 20 Quakers. LAUGHTER
0:16:28 > 0:16:30OK, you laugh cos you've come...
0:16:30 > 0:16:33If you live round here, right, we see Quakers all the time.
0:16:33 > 0:16:37There's a Quaker chapel on the green here and there's a Quaker cemetery
0:16:37 > 0:16:43up Bouverie Road, so it's not unusual to see Quakers round N16.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46Anyway, all these Quakers got on the bus with porridge all down them...
0:16:46 > 0:16:48LAUGHTER
0:16:50 > 0:16:53You know, smearing all the chocolate,
0:16:53 > 0:16:56all the chocolate fingerprints all down the fucking...
0:16:57 > 0:17:00All porridge in the aisle where people have to...
0:17:05 > 0:17:08Do you like Quakers? Do you like them?
0:17:08 > 0:17:09You know, I...
0:17:11 > 0:17:13Fine, I've had enough of them. I have.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18Do you know what, I surprise myself cos I've got friends
0:17:18 > 0:17:21of all different religions and politics and I normally...
0:17:21 > 0:17:23You know, we find common ground, but the Quakers, I just...
0:17:25 > 0:17:28I hate them, I absolutely hate Quakers.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31Well, you laugh, but you don't have to live where they are, do you?
0:17:31 > 0:17:33You don't have to live amongst them, right?
0:17:35 > 0:17:38Well, it's all very well, but every day, where I live,
0:17:38 > 0:17:43there is some problem caused by the Quaker community.
0:17:44 > 0:17:48Like last Sunday morning, about six o'clock in the morning,
0:17:48 > 0:17:50one of the kids got me up and they went,
0:17:50 > 0:17:53"Ooh, can we have porridge for breakfast?"
0:17:53 > 0:17:56So I went all the way down to the corner shop in Dalston.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58I said to the bloke, "Have you not got any porridge?"
0:17:58 > 0:18:01He goes, "No, Quakers have been in."
0:18:01 > 0:18:03LAUGHTER
0:18:04 > 0:18:09He goes, "Look at this." And there's all dry porridge flakes
0:18:09 > 0:18:11all on the floor
0:18:11 > 0:18:15with little buckled-shoe footprints in them.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18Two adult Quakers and a kid one.
0:18:20 > 0:18:24He says, "They come in, got all the porridge boxes,
0:18:24 > 0:18:25"ripped off the bloke's face..."
0:18:26 > 0:18:29Why? Cos he looks like them? It's idiotic.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32And then just thrown porridge all up in the air,
0:18:32 > 0:18:35all over their hats and everything.
0:18:35 > 0:18:36And then just... It's just idiot...
0:18:36 > 0:18:37And you know what, he said,
0:18:37 > 0:18:41"No-one will do anything because of political correctness."
0:18:42 > 0:18:44You know, it's every day.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46Like last Friday night, about half ten,
0:18:46 > 0:18:51I was watching telly, I said, "I wish I had some chocolate now."
0:18:51 > 0:18:55So, I went down the off-licence on Green Lanes, 24 off-licence,
0:18:55 > 0:18:57I said, "Have you not got any chocolate?"
0:18:57 > 0:18:59He goes, "No, Quakers have been in."
0:19:00 > 0:19:04He goes, "Look at this," and he plays back the CCTV footage.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08It's unbelievable, about 70 Quakers have come in
0:19:08 > 0:19:12on skateboards and mobility scooters,
0:19:12 > 0:19:17pogo sticks, space hoppers and those things what you stand on, on them.
0:19:19 > 0:19:20Vermin, aren't they?
0:19:20 > 0:19:22And then they've run all round,
0:19:22 > 0:19:25they've got all the chocolate in the shop. Not even really eaten it,
0:19:25 > 0:19:28just unwrapped it and then licked it and rubbed it,
0:19:28 > 0:19:32put it down themselves, then just thrown it on the floor.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34Idiotic, isn't it? Unbelievable.
0:19:35 > 0:19:36Every day there's some problem.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39Like, last Tuesday night about half six,
0:19:39 > 0:19:42like any normal person, I suddenly thought,
0:19:42 > 0:19:44"I wish I had a pair of over-the-knee white tights,
0:19:44 > 0:19:47"some shoes with really shiny buckles,
0:19:47 > 0:19:50"a massive hat like that, and a ruff,
0:19:50 > 0:19:53"and a waistcoat and some tight little breeches."
0:19:55 > 0:19:57So I went all the way down to the Quaker clothes shop
0:19:57 > 0:20:00and I said to the bloke, "Have you not got any Quaker clothes?"
0:20:00 > 0:20:02He goes, "No, Quakers have been in."
0:20:04 > 0:20:07I thought, "Fair enough, it's their shop, isn't it?"
0:20:07 > 0:20:09IN CHILD-LIKE VOICE: "They can go in their own shops,
0:20:09 > 0:20:10"I think."
0:20:10 > 0:20:13So... LAUGHTER
0:20:16 > 0:20:18Anyway, all these Quakers got on the bus, and I thought...
0:20:18 > 0:20:21Brilliant, one of the Quakers is going to want to sit down.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23He's going to come up the aisle and the Muslim woman
0:20:23 > 0:20:26is going to move over and the Quaker will see that the Muslim
0:20:26 > 0:20:28was sitting on a Jehovah's Witness magazine and he'll go,
0:20:28 > 0:20:30"Eee-gadzooks," or whatever shit they say
0:20:30 > 0:20:33in their stupid cockroach language.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36But the problem was...
0:20:38 > 0:20:41..all the Quakers just stayed hanging around the middle of the bus
0:20:41 > 0:20:42where all the prams and that are.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45And that's the problem with these religious groups, I think,
0:20:45 > 0:20:47they won't integrate, will they? You know?
0:20:47 > 0:20:50Is it too much to expect the Quakers to do, say and think
0:20:50 > 0:20:52everything I think they should? Apparently so.
0:20:54 > 0:20:55That's the key line for this,
0:20:55 > 0:20:57that's the key line for this routine,
0:20:57 > 0:20:59so don't write in cos that justifies it.
0:21:01 > 0:21:05I haven't got the 28-minute anti-Islamic
0:21:05 > 0:21:06observational comedy routine,
0:21:06 > 0:21:11I've got three anti-Islamic one-liners that I've written.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14And when I'm done with them, I'm going to sell them on
0:21:14 > 0:21:17to Roy Chubby Brown. And...
0:21:17 > 0:21:18it does work better if I do them in his voice.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21So, here we are, three anti-Islamic one-liners.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25IMITATES ROY CHUBBY BROWN: Hey, do you know...
0:21:25 > 0:21:26LAUGHTER
0:21:27 > 0:21:30..one in two kids
0:21:30 > 0:21:33born in Britain today is called Mohammed...
0:21:34 > 0:21:38..and that...and that, that's just the girls.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43LAUGHTER
0:21:45 > 0:21:47I think so anyway, I haven't...
0:21:48 > 0:21:50..I haven't got the exact figures.
0:21:54 > 0:21:55Are they even available? I don't know.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57They're not available, are they?
0:22:02 > 0:22:05Course, one of the problems with this is the name Mohammed,
0:22:05 > 0:22:07you can spell that four or five different ways,
0:22:07 > 0:22:11so it's very difficult to harvest accurate data.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13LAUGHTER
0:22:14 > 0:22:17I've got another one for you now. Hey, do you know,
0:22:17 > 0:22:22one in two radical Islamists in Britain today is a...
0:22:22 > 0:22:25I've done no research. LAUGHTER
0:22:27 > 0:22:30I've done no fucking research.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32I don't have to, I'll tell you why.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34Cos if you film your own DVDs
0:22:34 > 0:22:38and direct market them to bins in garage forecourts...
0:22:39 > 0:22:43..you don't have to run owt by legal, see?
0:22:43 > 0:22:47No, cos the legal restrictions for direct market content
0:22:47 > 0:22:52is far more lax than what there is for broadcast media, see.
0:22:52 > 0:22:56So, I'm not obliged to make sure that there's any kind
0:22:56 > 0:23:00of a factual relationship between the set-up of a joke
0:23:00 > 0:23:04and the conclusion drawn from the often folkloric punchline.
0:23:05 > 0:23:08So, I'm able to give the impression of being
0:23:08 > 0:23:09a politically incorrect outlaw,
0:23:09 > 0:23:12whereas the truth is I merely distribute my product
0:23:12 > 0:23:16to a far-less-tightly-regulated marketplace.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20Hey, look at that, look at that.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22I tell you what,
0:23:22 > 0:23:25they love that broadcasting law stuff...
0:23:26 > 0:23:30..down here in metrosexual London.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32They fucking love the broadcasting law.
0:23:32 > 0:23:36You try and do that at Burnley Mechanicals,
0:23:36 > 0:23:38they'll fucking crucify you.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41And another aspect of broadcasting law...
0:23:41 > 0:23:44"Fucking shut up, Chubby, there's no interest in any of that."
0:23:44 > 0:23:47So, I've got another one. They will, they'll...
0:23:47 > 0:23:50I see you got the bloke that did it last time.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52So, I've got another one for you now.
0:23:52 > 0:23:56Hey, do you know, I don't really speak like this, do I?
0:23:56 > 0:23:58It's a sort of generic voice.
0:23:58 > 0:24:02I'd be offended if it was supposed to be an impression of me.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05So, I've got another one for you.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08Where's this actually even from? I don't know.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11The Clangers or something.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14I've got another one for you now.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17Hey, do you know, LAUGHTER
0:24:17 > 0:24:21one in two people in Britain today
0:24:21 > 0:24:24claiming to be a spokesperson
0:24:24 > 0:24:28for the entire British Muslim community
0:24:28 > 0:24:33is in fact the unelected leader of a non-democratic,
0:24:33 > 0:24:38presidential think group and political lobbying organisation...
0:24:40 > 0:24:44..giving political influence and media profile
0:24:44 > 0:24:49far in excess of its membership numbers or demographic reach
0:24:49 > 0:24:51as a result of a hastily-implemented,
0:24:51 > 0:24:54but ultimately, to be honest, benign...
0:24:54 > 0:24:56LAUGHTER
0:24:56 > 0:24:59..early 1990s local government community
0:24:59 > 0:25:01bridge-building initiative.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06HE RESUMES NORMAL VOICE Yeah, some laughs,
0:25:06 > 0:25:07a bit of applause.
0:25:07 > 0:25:11All you lot at home going, "What the fuck was that supposed to be?"
0:25:11 > 0:25:12I'll tell you what that was,
0:25:12 > 0:25:15that's the best joke about Islam in Britain anyone's ever done.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18It's even-handed, it's informed...
0:25:18 > 0:25:21It's not funny, no. It's not funny, admittedly.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25But it's what you say you want, isn't it? You go...
0:25:25 > 0:25:27ANGRILY: "Do stuff about Islam. Come on!"
0:25:27 > 0:25:30I just did. "Not like that, Stew."
0:25:30 > 0:25:33"Not where they have to know anything about it."
0:25:36 > 0:25:38TENSE MUSIC
0:25:47 > 0:25:50HE MOUTHS SILENTLY
0:25:54 > 0:25:56CYMBALS CHIME
0:26:01 > 0:26:04TENSE MUSIC BUILDS TO CRESCENDO
0:26:17 > 0:26:19RHYTHMIC RUSTLING
0:26:36 > 0:26:39HAUNTING DISTANT CRY
0:27:01 > 0:27:04TENSE MUSIC FADES
0:27:13 > 0:27:16SINISTER MUSIC
0:27:35 > 0:27:39It feels like a good idea that we should really have a look
0:27:39 > 0:27:41and see what's gone so badly wrong.