0:00:02 > 0:00:08This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:08 > 0:00:10People say, "What made you want to be a comedian?"
0:00:10 > 0:00:12I didn't ever want to be a comedian. What I wanted to be was a cow.
0:00:12 > 0:00:15I'd seen them in farms and they looked very peaceful
0:00:15 > 0:00:17and I liked the fact that from something as simple as grass
0:00:17 > 0:00:19they could make something as amazing as milk.
0:00:19 > 0:00:22But I felt the next best thing - cos I can't be a cow -
0:00:22 > 0:00:24the next best thing I thought was
0:00:24 > 0:00:27being a comedian and taking grass-like ideas of experience
0:00:27 > 0:00:30and turning them into the milk of comedy.
0:00:30 > 0:00:32You sound like someone who went to Oxford
0:00:32 > 0:00:34but didn't pay attention all the time.
0:00:34 > 0:00:35Well, I think that would sum it up.
0:00:35 > 0:00:38It's been a difficult year to try and write six blocks of stuff
0:00:38 > 0:00:40cos everything's been so influx in the news.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43You get an idea in place and then it changes and you can't
0:00:43 > 0:00:44get a grip on it.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47For example, as recently as six months ago,
0:00:47 > 0:00:50we had no credible opposition party and the Prime Minister hadn't
0:00:50 > 0:00:52been accused of having sex with the severed face of a dead pig.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55LAUGHTER
0:00:55 > 0:00:56And I'll be honest with you,
0:00:56 > 0:00:59none of us in the satire community saw that coming.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04We didn't have loads of dead pigs-sex face stuff backed up
0:01:04 > 0:01:05that we could roll out.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10It's been a weird year.
0:01:10 > 0:01:14In January last year, I had a good half hour on the go about UKIP
0:01:14 > 0:01:16and I thought that would be all right for the records in December
0:01:16 > 0:01:19and then in May I was worried they were going to disappear
0:01:19 > 0:01:20off the face of the earth for
0:01:20 > 0:01:22the elections and wouldn't be able to do the bit.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24I was actually out campaigning for UKIP in Kent.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27Out of self interest but...
0:01:31 > 0:01:34Patriotism has been an ongoing issue, hasn't it?
0:01:34 > 0:01:38When he first came in to the Labour Party, Jeremy Corbyn was
0:01:38 > 0:01:41in trouble, wasn't he, for not attending an England rugby match
0:01:41 > 0:01:43and then for not singing the national anthem.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45Now, I don't know about you
0:01:45 > 0:01:47but my grandfather didn't die fighting fascism in World War II
0:01:47 > 0:01:50so that people could be free to not attend England rugby matches
0:01:50 > 0:01:51if they didn't want to.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53LAUGHTER
0:01:56 > 0:01:59All through the election we were played off against each other.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02The English against the Scots, the Scots against the English.
0:02:02 > 0:02:06I mean, I've got Scottish ancestry, I've got Irish ancestry.
0:02:06 > 0:02:10I am English and I'm very happy being English although...
0:02:10 > 0:02:15All right, I do have some anxieties about the England flag, OK,
0:02:15 > 0:02:16which I know is complicated.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19But I kind of think if people wanted me to love the England flag,
0:02:19 > 0:02:23they shouldn't have spent the entire 1970s running around waving it
0:02:23 > 0:02:26whilst putting dog excrement through Pakistanis' letterboxes.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31Ooh, not many laughs there, was there, from the hand-picked audience
0:02:31 > 0:02:35of the liberal intelligentsia here in East London.
0:02:35 > 0:02:39What can it be? Too young to remember perhaps, or racists?
0:02:39 > 0:02:41Or racists out.
0:02:44 > 0:02:45OK, I'm sorry...
0:02:45 > 0:02:49Right, if you grew up in a big city in England in the '70s,
0:02:49 > 0:02:52one of your points of contact with the England flag was with
0:02:52 > 0:02:54the far right and the National Front and things like that.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56It was a far right symbol.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59In the 1970s, if you were flying an England flag off your house,
0:02:59 > 0:03:02it meant you were either an admirer of Adolf Hitler or
0:03:02 > 0:03:04a member of the royal family.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07LAUGHTER
0:03:09 > 0:03:11There's two jokes there. Did you spot that? There's two.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13Did you spot them at home? Two jokes.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18Look, I know it's different now and the England flag is never used
0:03:18 > 0:03:20to intimidate anyone today but...
0:03:20 > 0:03:22It isn't. It's like a smiley face
0:03:22 > 0:03:26but sometimes you're stuck with what a symbol means to you, aren't you?
0:03:26 > 0:03:30It's a bit like these old hippies that say, "The swastika, Stew,
0:03:30 > 0:03:36"far from being a symbol of Nazism, is in fact a Hindu good luck charm."
0:03:36 > 0:03:39And I always think, "Well, good luck with that."
0:03:41 > 0:03:43That may be the case but you're
0:03:43 > 0:03:46going to need a lot of Hindu good luck
0:03:46 > 0:03:50if you're considering wandering around Golders Green waving one.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53LAUGHTER
0:03:53 > 0:03:54I know that's London-centric.
0:03:54 > 0:03:58Don't write in from the North of England going,
0:03:58 > 0:04:00"I don't even know where that is.
0:04:00 > 0:04:05"I shouldn't have to laugh at the names of places in London."
0:04:05 > 0:04:07I know, but we're in London now
0:04:07 > 0:04:09so that's why I've done it about London.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11I change it when I go round the country, right?
0:04:11 > 0:04:14In Glasgow, Manchester, Birmingham, whatever, I'll say to the people
0:04:14 > 0:04:17at the theatre, "What's the Jewish part of this town?"
0:04:17 > 0:04:19And I change that joke so it lands...
0:04:19 > 0:04:22You can't always do it. You know, Truro, Inverness.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28If you're Jewish and you're in my audience in Inverness,
0:04:28 > 0:04:30you ARE the Jewish area of Inverness.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33LAUGHTER
0:04:34 > 0:04:36Your seat, that's the ghetto.
0:04:41 > 0:04:45But you know, if we're honest about it, the England flag's had
0:04:45 > 0:04:48a chequered history in our lifetimes, you know?
0:04:48 > 0:04:50So that's why when that Labour MP
0:04:50 > 0:04:53got in trouble for saying that a bloke was flying one off his house,
0:04:53 > 0:04:57I could see both sides of it and I said as much.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00And then, you know, loads of people in my family were ringing me up
0:05:00 > 0:05:01and going, "You don't understand.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04"You know, you've never flown an England flag off your house."
0:05:04 > 0:05:06And I have, actually.
0:05:06 > 0:05:10It was about two years back. What happened was... You remember...
0:05:10 > 0:05:13I don't know what it's like where you live but where I live,
0:05:13 > 0:05:16when England got kicked out of the football, the England flags in all
0:05:16 > 0:05:20the corner shops, they went down from about 20 quid to 50p, you know?
0:05:20 > 0:05:23And I thought, "It's a big piece of material, it could come in useful,"
0:05:23 > 0:05:25so I bought about three dozen of them.
0:05:26 > 0:05:30I don't know why, I wasn't planning a far right demonstration.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32I thought for the kids, for St George's Day or something.
0:05:32 > 0:05:36I'd get all these England flags and I'd put them in the cellar.
0:05:36 > 0:05:40And this was June, wasn't it, the summer.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43So I got all these England flags and my wife had gone away for a week
0:05:43 > 0:05:47with the kids and our cat, Jeremy Corbyn, was...
0:05:47 > 0:05:51LAUGHTER
0:05:51 > 0:05:53OK, I'll just explain this cos it's...
0:05:53 > 0:05:57Right, I have always called my pets after the full names of real people.
0:05:57 > 0:06:01OK, I had a Jack Russell terrier
0:06:01 > 0:06:03when I was five that I called Enid Blyton.
0:06:03 > 0:06:07I did cos I was reading Enid Blyton and then, I've always done it.
0:06:07 > 0:06:11And the cat is called Jeremy Corbyn but it's nothing to do with now,
0:06:11 > 0:06:14we got it nine years ago, right, and we were...
0:06:16 > 0:06:17What happened, we were round
0:06:17 > 0:06:19at a dinner party in Islington, obviously, and...
0:06:19 > 0:06:22LAUGHTER
0:06:22 > 0:06:25..somebody had a thing up - "Vote Jeremy Corbyn."
0:06:25 > 0:06:28He was local MP, wasn't he?
0:06:28 > 0:06:31And I said to my wife, "Let's call the cat that."
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Part of what was funny about it
0:06:33 > 0:06:37was the absolute utter obscurity of the bloke's name.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40And nobody round the table went, "Ooh, better not call him that.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43"What if he becomes leader of the Labour Party?"
0:06:43 > 0:06:45LAUGHTER
0:06:45 > 0:06:47Back then that was about as likely as if Tony Blair
0:06:47 > 0:06:51had become a Middle East peace envoy.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53You think, "A lot of people are going to have to die
0:06:53 > 0:06:55"before that happens."
0:06:55 > 0:06:59Yeah, listen to them clapping. Loony left terrorist sympathisers.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04A woman's walked out at that point, furious.
0:07:07 > 0:07:08So the cat's called Jeremy Corbyn
0:07:08 > 0:07:12and I've always called my pets after real things.
0:07:12 > 0:07:17I won a hamster in a drawing competition in 197...
0:07:17 > 0:07:21I did, in 1979, in my mum's magazine, She, when this...
0:07:21 > 0:07:24I did, I won a hamster in a drawing competition.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26They didn't send it me through the post,
0:07:26 > 0:07:31if that's what you're thinking, you got sent a hamster voucher. You did.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34I had to take it to Acocks Green Pet Shop, hamster voucher.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37Remember that in the '70s, hamster vouchers?
0:07:39 > 0:07:43"Oh, not hamster vouchers again, Gran."
0:07:43 > 0:07:45"I got you hamster vouchers because
0:07:45 > 0:07:49"you know what kind of hamster you like, don't you?
0:07:49 > 0:07:52"And I'd get the wrong one probably."
0:07:54 > 0:07:55So...
0:07:57 > 0:08:01Not like today. They download codes, don't they, the kids?
0:08:01 > 0:08:04Download codes and a 3-D printer but...
0:08:05 > 0:08:09Yeah, I know, it's a bit modern for me, that joke, isn't it, but...
0:08:10 > 0:08:14So... And I called the hamster Karlheinz Stockhausen...
0:08:16 > 0:08:21..after the post-war German electro-acoustic avant-garde...
0:08:21 > 0:08:22Yeah, I was precocious 11-year-old.
0:08:24 > 0:08:28And about one in five adults would go, "Your hamster is called
0:08:28 > 0:08:32"Karlheinz Stockhausen, who wrote Stimmung?"
0:08:33 > 0:08:35And I would go, "Yes, ha!"
0:08:36 > 0:08:39You know, my sense of humour has not changed in many ways.
0:08:41 > 0:08:42Um...
0:08:42 > 0:08:44I had a dachshund,
0:08:44 > 0:08:49a female dachshund in the '90s which I called Matthew Broderick.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54After the then already largely forgotten...
0:08:55 > 0:08:59..1980s American character comedy actor from Ferris Bueller's Day Off.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01It died, actually, that dachshund, rather sadly.
0:09:01 > 0:09:06It did its back in, in about '95, '96, jumping up to the shelf
0:09:06 > 0:09:09where I kept my guinea pig, Blind Lemon Jefferson.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15You grow older, your tastes change, don't they?
0:09:17 > 0:09:19Blues has always seemed a very truthful music to me.
0:09:23 > 0:09:24But...
0:09:27 > 0:09:29..about a year...
0:09:29 > 0:09:31About a year after the dog died...
0:09:31 > 0:09:34I'd written a film script for Hollywood.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36It didn't get made, obviously.
0:09:36 > 0:09:41I wouldn't be here doing this, would I? I'd be in Hollywood,
0:09:41 > 0:09:45but it nearly got made and I got asked out to Hollywood to meet
0:09:45 > 0:09:47all these actors that wanted to be in it.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49And I was in this posh hotel in Hollywood.
0:09:49 > 0:09:53I was walking along the aisle of the corridor, you know, and I saw a
0:09:53 > 0:09:57door and on the door there's a sign and it said,
0:09:57 > 0:10:00"Today, press interviews.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03"Matthew Broderick. Inspector Gadget."
0:10:03 > 0:10:06And it's a bit sad because Matthew Broderick was now
0:10:06 > 0:10:09having to do interviews to promote some kids' film where he's like
0:10:09 > 0:10:13a miniature magnetic-faced policeman or something.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15It's sad, isn't it?
0:10:15 > 0:10:17And I walk past and I look through the door
0:10:17 > 0:10:22and saw Matthew Broderick on his own sitting on the edge of a bed
0:10:22 > 0:10:26with his hands on his knees staring at the floor
0:10:26 > 0:10:30and just sort of opening and closing his mouth on his own going...
0:10:30 > 0:10:33HE MOUTHS SILENTLY
0:10:37 > 0:10:42And I thought now is not the time to go, "My dog's named after you."
0:10:42 > 0:10:45LAUGHTER
0:10:48 > 0:10:49"But it died, Matthew...
0:10:52 > 0:10:55"..jumping up for something it could never have."
0:10:55 > 0:10:58LAUGHTER
0:11:01 > 0:11:04Do you know what? It's mainly true, that story.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08There's only one thing I've changed...
0:11:08 > 0:11:10I'm not telling you what that is.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12It has been noted that you...
0:11:12 > 0:11:15I don't think you say a single thing that you mean
0:11:15 > 0:11:17and probably haven't done in the last 25 years.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19It's based on a lie.
0:11:19 > 0:11:23- The whole routine's based on a lie but, you know...- It's a good lie.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26It's a good lie. It's expedient. It serves a comedic purpose.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29So you've set out to do a job that was way beyond your abilities.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32You worked out a way of trying to capture mistakes and turn them
0:11:32 > 0:11:35into something that looked intentional and you've sold that
0:11:35 > 0:11:38to a certain audience who you now despise for believing your lies.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40Yeah.
0:11:41 > 0:11:42But, I mean...
0:11:46 > 0:11:47..it's a living.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52So the cat's called Jeremy Corbyn, right, and this means nothing.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55It's from nine years ago and it had no meaning but it is
0:11:55 > 0:11:57a bit weird now, obviously, cos I have to go out in the garden
0:11:57 > 0:12:00at night and I'm going, "Jeremy Corbyn!
0:12:01 > 0:12:02"Come on in now.
0:12:04 > 0:12:05"It's midnight.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08"It's time for your worming medicine."
0:12:10 > 0:12:14He knows his name now. I'm not going to change it. It's not his fault.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17I won't have him put down cos he's got a weird name.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19Like the dog in Downton Abbey, did you notice that?
0:12:19 > 0:12:21Yeah, Christmas last year,
0:12:21 > 0:12:24the dog in Downton Abbey mysteriously died, didn't it?
0:12:24 > 0:12:27And Lord Downton was going, "Why is my dog dead? Why?"
0:12:27 > 0:12:31And the reason that dog died - as Lord Downton knows full well -
0:12:31 > 0:12:33is because its name, if you remember,
0:12:33 > 0:12:35was Isis, wasn't it, right?
0:12:35 > 0:12:38Yeah, which two years ago was an Egyptian moon goddess
0:12:38 > 0:12:40but is now an awful terrorist group.
0:12:40 > 0:12:44So that dog in Downton Abbey had to die in Edwardian England...
0:12:48 > 0:12:51..because it was named after something which would be
0:12:51 > 0:12:52unacceptable in 90 years' time.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56It's not the dog's fault, is it?
0:12:56 > 0:12:59That was the best actor in the programme, that dog.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02I can't watch Downton Abbey now the dog's died.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04I watch it now and it just seems like thinly veiled
0:13:04 > 0:13:06Conservative propaganda.
0:13:08 > 0:13:09You know?
0:13:10 > 0:13:14"Why can't you be happy below stairs?
0:13:14 > 0:13:17"They obviously have your best interests at heart.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19"Why must you make such a fuss?"
0:13:21 > 0:13:22So...
0:13:24 > 0:13:25The...
0:13:27 > 0:13:32So the cat's called Jeremy Corbyn and it's not for any reason,
0:13:32 > 0:13:33it was just from this party.
0:13:33 > 0:13:38Anyway, my wife had gone away and our cat, Jeremy Corbyn,
0:13:38 > 0:13:39had terrible diarrhoea.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41He'd not been very well at all.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44And what he would normally do, Jeremy Corbyn, is he would
0:13:44 > 0:13:49wriggle through his little flap, Jeremy Corbyn, and he would go...
0:13:51 > 0:13:52Jeremy Corbyn would go in the garden...
0:13:52 > 0:13:55AUDIENCE GIGGLES
0:13:55 > 0:13:57..Jeremy Corbyn, and he would dig a little...
0:13:58 > 0:13:59Don't...
0:13:59 > 0:14:02Don't giggle at Jeremy Corbyn cos these are being recorded.
0:14:02 > 0:14:06I need...to get these in for time, right?
0:14:06 > 0:14:11And I've explained to you that the name of the cat is irrelevant
0:14:11 > 0:14:12and I would...
0:14:13 > 0:14:15So just try to...
0:14:15 > 0:14:16grow up.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19LAUGHTER
0:14:19 > 0:14:23Then, Jeremy Corbyn would do all his muck in the hole, he'd dig a hole.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27And he was very clean and he would bury it.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30But because he wasn't very well, Jeremy Corbyn,
0:14:30 > 0:14:33he didn't want to go outside so what he did, little Jeremy Corbyn,
0:14:33 > 0:14:37is he went down in the cellar, which is where...
0:14:39 > 0:14:41LAUGHTER
0:14:43 > 0:14:47What kind of fucking shit comedian laughs at his own jokes?
0:14:47 > 0:14:49Fucking shit.
0:14:51 > 0:14:55"Ah-ha-ha-ha! I've made up something about a cat. Ah-ha!"
0:15:00 > 0:15:02Will pick it up from here.
0:15:02 > 0:15:07It would go down in the cellar, Jeremy Corbyn, and it would just...
0:15:09 > 0:15:10Because...
0:15:14 > 0:15:17I hope this doesn't get recommissioned, to be honest.
0:15:17 > 0:15:21Look, I've lost it. I'm fucking useless now.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24The...
0:15:25 > 0:15:29But because he went... He wanted to use his litter tray from when he
0:15:29 > 0:15:31was a little kitten, Jeremy Corbyn.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34And you know, I remember the first time that Jeremy Corbyn
0:15:34 > 0:15:36used his litter tray.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40Do you know, he looked so pleased with himself.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44A bit like when he thought of asking the public's
0:15:44 > 0:15:45questions in Parliament.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47LAUGHTER
0:15:47 > 0:15:49HE SIGHS
0:15:49 > 0:15:52See, I knew that was coming, that's what I was laughing at.
0:15:52 > 0:15:56I was laughing at how I knew that was coming, it was making me laugh,
0:15:56 > 0:15:57the idea of doing that.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00The idea of being paid to do that.
0:16:00 > 0:16:01So...
0:16:03 > 0:16:05But cos there wasn't any...
0:16:05 > 0:16:07It was nine years since he'd used the litter tray.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09There was no cat litter in it.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12I hadn't got any cat litter and it was too late to go out and get any.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15But he was sitting there and he was going, "Miaow-miaow!"
0:16:15 > 0:16:17And that's what he wanted to do and you love them, don't you?
0:16:17 > 0:16:20And I thought, "What can I line the litter tray with?"
0:16:20 > 0:16:23So I was looking around in the cellar...
0:16:25 > 0:16:29..and I thought, "Well, there are all those England flags there."
0:16:31 > 0:16:33OK, right, I didn't do...
0:16:33 > 0:16:36What you have to understand is I didn't do this with any enthusiasm.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38I didn't go, "Ah, England flags."
0:16:38 > 0:16:45I just thought I've got 36 of them, right, no-one's going to see.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47I know it's an important symbol but it's in a cellar
0:16:47 > 0:16:51and there was no-one to see it so it's, by definition,
0:16:51 > 0:16:53it's not offensive if it's not offending anyone, is it?
0:16:53 > 0:16:55So I got the England flag
0:16:55 > 0:16:58and I started putting in the cat litter tray
0:16:58 > 0:17:01and it was... As I was doing that, to be honest, I thought,
0:17:01 > 0:17:04"This doesn't feel right. There's something...
0:17:04 > 0:17:09"It means a lot to different people, this symbol." And, you know?
0:17:09 > 0:17:10So what I did, I just folded it up
0:17:10 > 0:17:12really, really neatly and respectfully.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17A bit like when we left Hong Kong, remember?
0:17:21 > 0:17:25And the flag was on a lovely cushion, wasn't it?
0:17:25 > 0:17:29All folded up on a yacht and Chris Patten was there
0:17:29 > 0:17:32with a big old feather in his hat, remember?
0:17:35 > 0:17:36It was like that.
0:17:38 > 0:17:39So I got the England flag
0:17:39 > 0:17:43and I folded it all up in the cat litter tray and then Jeremy Corbyn
0:17:43 > 0:17:48sort of squatted over it and he was going, "Eghh!
0:17:49 > 0:17:51"Aghh! Eghh!" And then...
0:17:51 > 0:17:56HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY
0:17:56 > 0:17:59And that's when I thought, "This is absolutely unacceptable."
0:17:59 > 0:18:01I hadn't really...
0:18:04 > 0:18:06I hadn't really thought what it would feel like.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08It was completely wrong.
0:18:10 > 0:18:14But the problem is it'd started now, it was too late to sort of stop.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17And I thought, "How can I make this all right?"
0:18:17 > 0:18:19So what I did, I went like that.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21LAUGHTER
0:18:27 > 0:18:29And I sang...
0:18:29 > 0:18:31# God save our... #
0:18:31 > 0:18:34And he's going... HE BLOWS PROLONGED RASPBERRY
0:18:43 > 0:18:45# ..gracious Queen
0:18:45 > 0:18:46# Long...
0:18:46 > 0:18:51HE BLOWS PROLONGED RASPBERRY
0:19:04 > 0:19:07# ..live our noble...
0:19:07 > 0:19:11HE BLOWS PROLONGED RASPBERRY
0:19:25 > 0:19:27# ..the Queen
0:19:27 > 0:19:28# Send... #
0:19:28 > 0:19:31HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY
0:19:31 > 0:19:33Are you all right, Jeremy?
0:19:34 > 0:19:36# ..her vic... #
0:19:36 > 0:19:40HE BLOWS PROLONGED RASPBERRY
0:19:40 > 0:19:41It's nasty, isn't it?
0:19:42 > 0:19:44# ..rious, hap... #
0:19:44 > 0:19:49HE BLOWS PROLONGED RASPBERRY
0:19:51 > 0:19:53Get all the poison out, Jeremy.
0:19:53 > 0:19:57HE BLOWS PROLONGED RASPBERRY
0:19:57 > 0:19:58# Long... #
0:20:01 > 0:20:03I know, be soon be over.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05# God save... #
0:20:05 > 0:20:09HE BLOWS PROLONGED RASPBERRY
0:20:13 > 0:20:16I suppose it's not fair to say the difference between you
0:20:16 > 0:20:19and a five-year-old is that you've got 42 years worth
0:20:19 > 0:20:22of sort of pretentious explanation for going, "Ploopf!"
0:20:22 > 0:20:26People will go, "Oh, he just went 'Ploopf,' for three minutes."
0:20:26 > 0:20:30But you couldn't just do that. No-one would tolerate that.
0:20:30 > 0:20:34It's actually... It's about the very fine variations.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37And again, I hesitate to...
0:20:37 > 0:20:39- It's self-aggrandising. - I know what you're saying.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42- It's like a jazz thing, right. - I knew you were going to say that.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44I know, I know. And people go, "He says it's like jazz, right?"
0:20:44 > 0:20:46But on this occasion, it is.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48I mean, if you listen to someone like Miles Davis...
0:20:48 > 0:20:53I'm not saying I'm the same as Miles Davis but I am in that if Miles...
0:20:53 > 0:20:57If someone had said he Miles Davis, "Do a cat's diarrhoea,"
0:20:57 > 0:21:01he wouldn't just have gone, "Ploopf," like that.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04You couldn't do that. You can't even do that just then.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07- What you just did then, you couldn't do.- No.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10HE BLOWS PROLONGED RASPBERRY
0:21:15 > 0:21:17# Her vic...
0:21:17 > 0:21:22HE BLOWS PROLONGED RASPBERRY
0:21:29 > 0:21:32# Confound their... #
0:21:32 > 0:21:35Come on, it's only the second verse!
0:21:35 > 0:21:37Don't you know all the...?
0:21:37 > 0:21:39HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY
0:21:39 > 0:21:42# ..politics Frustrate...
0:21:42 > 0:21:45HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY
0:21:45 > 0:21:47# ..their knavish tricks
0:21:48 > 0:21:51HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY
0:21:51 > 0:21:52# On the...
0:21:52 > 0:21:54HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY
0:21:54 > 0:21:55# God...
0:21:55 > 0:21:59HE BLOWS PROLONGED RASPBERRY
0:22:03 > 0:22:04# ..save...
0:22:04 > 0:22:09HE BLOWS PROLONGED RASPBERRY
0:22:09 > 0:22:10# ..the...
0:22:10 > 0:22:15HE BLOWS PROLONGED RASPBERRY
0:22:15 > 0:22:16# ..Queen. #
0:22:16 > 0:22:18HE BLOWS LOUD RASPBERRY
0:22:18 > 0:22:20I thought, "Oh, thank God it's finished,"
0:22:20 > 0:22:25cos it was absolutely one of the most awful things I've ever seen.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28It was absolutely devastating.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32And I hadn't anticipated how awful it would be because you'd think,
0:22:32 > 0:22:35wouldn't you, that a flag or an anthem would have entirely
0:22:35 > 0:22:38fixed meaning unaffected by context or intent,
0:22:38 > 0:22:42but it was as if it sort of had somehow been changed.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47I thought, "I hope no-one sees this. It's absolutely awful."
0:22:47 > 0:22:49So what I did, I got the England flag.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52I thought, "I'll put this in the washing machine,"
0:22:52 > 0:22:54but there's a problem, isn't there?
0:22:54 > 0:22:57I don't know if you've seen a cat's diarrhoea, I hope you haven't.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00The problem is, is it a stain or is it a solid, right?
0:23:00 > 0:23:02Now, it's mainly a stain...
0:23:04 > 0:23:05..but there's just enough solid that
0:23:05 > 0:23:08if you put it in the washing machine, it would all disintegrate
0:23:08 > 0:23:10and it would be really horrible.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13So I thought, "What I need to do, I need to let this dry out, this flag
0:23:13 > 0:23:16"and then sort of scrape the sort of crust off it
0:23:16 > 0:23:18"and then put it in the washing machine."
0:23:20 > 0:23:23So I got the England flag and I hung it outside the front of the house.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25LAUGHTER
0:23:32 > 0:23:34HE BREATHES INTO MICROPHONE
0:23:34 > 0:23:37Now, where I live is a very multicultural area.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40Over the road from me, there's an old Muslim guy in his 70s,
0:23:40 > 0:23:41a Rasta bloke about 60.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44My neighbours have been there a lot longer than me, you know,
0:23:44 > 0:23:46and I see them everyday, "Hello."
0:23:46 > 0:23:50And they came out and they saw this England flag flying outside the
0:23:50 > 0:23:52front of the house and they looked worried, as well they might.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55I know it's different now and the England flag's fine now.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58A certain age, they can remember the '70s when England flags going up
0:23:58 > 0:24:01in East London, that would have meant National Front on the march,
0:24:01 > 0:24:03petrol bombs, whatever.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05They looked worried, I didn't want them to look worried,
0:24:05 > 0:24:07they're my neighbours.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09So I went over the road. I said, "Don't worry,"
0:24:09 > 0:24:14I said, "There's a perfectly reasonable explanation for that."
0:24:14 > 0:24:17LAUGHTER
0:24:24 > 0:24:27LAUGHTER
0:24:27 > 0:24:30"What's happened here
0:24:30 > 0:24:32"is Jeremy Corbyn...
0:24:33 > 0:24:35"..has had terrible diarrhoea.
0:24:37 > 0:24:41"And he's done it all on this England flag in a cat litter tray.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45"But it's all right cos I sang the national anthem
0:24:45 > 0:24:47"while he was doing it."
0:24:48 > 0:24:50And they just sort of went... HE SCOFFS
0:24:50 > 0:24:51and walked off. I thought, "Fine."
0:24:53 > 0:24:55Now, next door to them, there's a journalist.
0:24:55 > 0:24:59That's the kind of area it is, you know, coming up in the Wolds.
0:24:59 > 0:25:00The journalist came out, he said,
0:25:00 > 0:25:03"I'm sorry, I couldn't help overhearing.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05"Did I hear you say
0:25:05 > 0:25:09"that Jeremy Corbyn had done all diarrhoea on an England flag
0:25:09 > 0:25:13"in a cat litter tray while you sang the national anthem?"
0:25:13 > 0:25:15And I said, "I did say that, yes,
0:25:15 > 0:25:17"but there's one very important detail,
0:25:17 > 0:25:20"and that's that Jeremy Corbyn is the name of my cat.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23"It wasn't the real Jeremy Corbyn that did that."
0:25:23 > 0:25:25And the journalist said, "Well, I don't think we need to let
0:25:25 > 0:25:27"a little detail like that stand in the way."
0:25:27 > 0:25:29LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:33 > 0:25:35Good afternoon. Sorry for the technical blip
0:25:35 > 0:25:38but we've got plenty of breaking news to bring you.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41News of an obscene act performed by Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn
0:25:41 > 0:25:43has led to spontaneous demonstrations.
0:25:43 > 0:25:44Today, the headlines.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47News of an obscene act performed by the Labour...
0:25:47 > 0:25:50An obscure English comedian called Stewart Lee is thought to be
0:25:50 > 0:25:54the source of the story. Although Stewart Lee is now in hiding...
0:25:54 > 0:25:56It's claimed that the Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn
0:25:56 > 0:25:59defecated for a sustained period of time.
0:25:59 > 0:26:00Fuckin' dirty bastard!
0:26:00 > 0:26:02ACOUSTIC GUITAR PLAYS
0:26:02 > 0:26:06# There's a man going round taking names... #
0:26:06 > 0:26:07Disgusting!
0:26:07 > 0:26:09# And he decides who to free and who to blame... #
0:26:09 > 0:26:11According to eyewitness reports,
0:26:11 > 0:26:13the flag appeared to be covered in excrement.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15# Everybody won't be treated all the same... #
0:26:15 > 0:26:17The government are appealing for calm tonight.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20# There'll be a golden ladder reaching down... #
0:26:22 > 0:26:24Dirty bastard!
0:26:24 > 0:26:26# When the man comes around... #
0:26:26 > 0:26:30Large numbers of MPs are calling for Corbyn's resignation tonight.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33# The hairs on your arm will stand up... #
0:26:33 > 0:26:35It was certainly diarrhoea...
0:26:35 > 0:26:38# At the terror in each sip and in each sup... #
0:26:38 > 0:26:41A year of community service for being a lunatic.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43# For you partake of that last offered cup... #
0:26:43 > 0:26:45I didn't have diarrhoea at the time of the alleged incident.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48# Or disappear into the potter's ground... #
0:26:48 > 0:26:51A disgrace! I think it's bloody disgusting.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53# When the man comes around... #
0:26:53 > 0:26:55That looks remarkably like you during rehearsals.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57# Hear the trumpets hear the pipers... #
0:26:57 > 0:26:59It's bad for Labour and bad for business.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02# One hundred million angels singing... #
0:27:02 > 0:27:05Sparking protests...
0:27:05 > 0:27:09# Multitudes are marching to the big kettle drum... #
0:27:09 > 0:27:11Stand shoulder to shoulder with the United Kingdom.
0:27:11 > 0:27:14# Voices calling, voices crying... #
0:27:14 > 0:27:16Strongest...
0:27:16 > 0:27:19# Some are born and some are dying... #
0:27:19 > 0:27:20Cannot and will not stand...
0:27:20 > 0:27:24# It's Alpha and Omega's Kingdom come
0:27:25 > 0:27:30# And the whirlwind is in the thorn tree. #
0:27:33 > 0:27:35Though Stewart Lee - now in hiding -
0:27:35 > 0:27:38claims the whole story started as a joke, nonetheless,
0:27:38 > 0:27:41we are now on the brink of an unthinkable global war.
0:27:41 > 0:27:44CAT PURRS
0:27:49 > 0:27:56# Confound their politics
0:27:56 > 0:28:03# Frustrate their knavish tricks
0:28:03 > 0:28:11# On Thee our hopes we fix
0:28:11 > 0:28:15# God save us all. #