0:00:02 > 0:00:07This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:07 > 0:00:10What I'm going to do now is talk for 28 minutes on the subject of children's attitudes
0:00:10 > 0:00:14to death, right? I know this is quite a heavy subject, you can't go straight into it,
0:00:14 > 0:00:16so I'll soften up the ground by doing a quick, light-hearted
0:00:16 > 0:00:18three-minute celebrity-based anecdote.
0:00:18 > 0:00:20So, I was on tour, and I was... LAUGHTER
0:00:20 > 0:00:23Yeah, yeah, I was. I was in Dundee,
0:00:23 > 0:00:25and it was the day of the last lunar eclipse,
0:00:25 > 0:00:27and I'd forgotten it was the lunar eclipse.
0:00:27 > 0:00:30But I woke up in the hotel room and I put the telly on,
0:00:30 > 0:00:34and I saw Professor Brian Cox and Dara O Briain
0:00:34 > 0:00:36talking about the lunar eclipse.
0:00:36 > 0:00:39I say I saw Professor Brian Cox talking about the eclipse.
0:00:39 > 0:00:42I couldn't see Professor Brian Cox talking about the eclipse
0:00:42 > 0:00:44cos Dara O Briain was standing in front of him.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:00:49 > 0:00:53And I thought what an amazing cosmic coincidence it was
0:00:53 > 0:00:57that...God or nature or whatever you believe in
0:00:57 > 0:01:02had made Dara O Briain exactly the perfect size
0:01:02 > 0:01:06to completely obscure Professor Brian Cox...
0:01:07 > 0:01:09..on one day of the year only...
0:01:11 > 0:01:13..when viewed from a particular point
0:01:13 > 0:01:15on a Dundee hotel bed.
0:01:15 > 0:01:19You must never look directly at Professor Brian Cox, of course.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21Always view him through a colander.
0:01:21 > 0:01:24LAUGHTER
0:01:24 > 0:01:27So, a bit of fun. Light-hearted routine that
0:01:27 > 0:01:31just to get us into the more serious material.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33It's not been without its problems, that routine.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35A lot of the younger comics have been in criticising it.
0:01:35 > 0:01:38The...the younger comics, they're obsessed with me
0:01:38 > 0:01:39but they hate me as well.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41They go, "I hate Stewart Lee.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43"I've seen him 400 times.
0:01:43 > 0:01:47"And I speak exactly like him." But...
0:01:48 > 0:01:51Yeah, you know who you are. But I... LAUGHTER
0:01:51 > 0:01:54But, no, they've been going on about that routine on the Twitter.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56Apparently the problem with that routine
0:01:56 > 0:01:58is it's not scientifically accurate.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Yeah, I know. Well, it isn't.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02Actually, it isn't, because the way an eclipse works,
0:02:02 > 0:02:05if you think about it, is that it's not like in that joke.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07The way an eclipse works is that
0:02:07 > 0:02:10the larger body is obscured, isn't it,
0:02:10 > 0:02:13temporarily by the smaller body,
0:02:13 > 0:02:15because the smaller body is sort of closer
0:02:15 > 0:02:18to our point of view on the earth.
0:02:18 > 0:02:19So, fair point.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21The way that routine should work,
0:02:21 > 0:02:23if it was scientifically accurate, is like this.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26So, I was in Dundee, and I woke up on the day of the eclipse,
0:02:26 > 0:02:29and I saw Professor Brian Cox and Dara O Briain
0:02:29 > 0:02:31talking about the eclipse.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34I say I saw Dara O Briain talking about the eclipse.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36I couldn't see Dara O Briain talking about the eclipse
0:02:36 > 0:02:39cos Professor Brian Cox was standing in front of him.
0:02:41 > 0:02:42Yeah, it's not as funny, is it?
0:02:42 > 0:02:45It's not as funny. LAUGHTER
0:02:45 > 0:02:47And that's why I wrote it the way round that I did.
0:02:50 > 0:02:51So...
0:02:53 > 0:02:56So, I woke up in Dundee on the day of the eclipse,
0:02:56 > 0:02:58and I walked down to the River Tay.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02And I stood on a bridge over the River Tay in Dundee
0:03:02 > 0:03:05looking at the eclipse and thinking about time...
0:03:06 > 0:03:10..and eternity and how insignificant human life is.
0:03:11 > 0:03:12Not just in Dundee.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15LAUGHTER
0:03:17 > 0:03:20Throughout Scotland and the North generally.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22LAUGHTER
0:03:23 > 0:03:26Don't write in. But, erm...
0:03:27 > 0:03:32I think the first time that most of us learnt about death
0:03:32 > 0:03:34is from the death of a pet, such as a goldfish,
0:03:34 > 0:03:38and conventional wisdom says this helps prepare us
0:03:38 > 0:03:40for the death later on of a relative,
0:03:40 > 0:03:42such as a grandmother,
0:03:42 > 0:03:44particularly if our grandmother dies
0:03:44 > 0:03:46having been scooped out of an ornamental fish pond.
0:03:47 > 0:03:52Tossed high in the air and left to expire on the lawn.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59We warned Gran about taunting that cat.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05Yeah, a bit of fun, innit, that joke? A bit of light-hearted fun.
0:04:05 > 0:04:09Easing us into the more serious body of the main routine.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11Again, not without its problems.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13A lot of the younger comics have been in criticising that routine.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16They hate me, but they're obsessed with me, the younger comics.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19And the problem with that routine, I read on Facebook,
0:04:19 > 0:04:21is they're going,
0:04:21 > 0:04:26"If Stewart Lee...if his grandmother is a goldfish, as he claims,
0:04:26 > 0:04:29"then why does he himself not display
0:04:29 > 0:04:31"any goldfish characteristics...
0:04:31 > 0:04:34"such as fins or scales?"
0:04:34 > 0:04:38And the reason for that is because I'm adopted, all right?
0:04:38 > 0:04:39Yeah.
0:04:39 > 0:04:43But I don't like to make a big deal about it, all right?
0:04:43 > 0:04:45I was adopted by goldfish,
0:04:45 > 0:04:49so I don't have the physical characteristics of goldfish.
0:04:49 > 0:04:53Although, weirdly, I have always chosen to reproduce
0:04:53 > 0:04:55by releasing my semen directly into freshwater.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58LAUGHTER
0:04:59 > 0:05:02It's the old nature-nurture argument.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09It's quite complicated, isn't it, being you?
0:05:09 > 0:05:12It is. It's difficult, and people don't appreciate it.
0:05:12 > 0:05:16I mean, if I wasn't me, I would hate me.
0:05:16 > 0:05:17And I am me and I hate me a bit.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20- If you could see yourself on television...- I'd turn it off.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22- ..what would you say? - I'd turn it off.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25If you...if you were 22 and you had a Twitter account...
0:05:25 > 0:05:28Actually, no, probably about 30 and you had a Twitter account...
0:05:28 > 0:05:31- Yeah.- ..what would you say about yourself?- I would hate it.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33I'd hate the conceitedness of it
0:05:33 > 0:05:35and the sort of...the kind of fact that
0:05:35 > 0:05:39it's not as good as it thinks it is, and, you know, I'd hate it.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41Do you think that's what young comics do?
0:05:41 > 0:05:46They hate it and yet, in some way, they can't resist being drawn in?
0:05:48 > 0:05:50Of course, if one of these young comics they had now
0:05:50 > 0:05:52had been adopted by goldfish,
0:05:52 > 0:05:55you'd never hear the fucking end of it, would you?
0:05:55 > 0:05:56They'd have written a depressing,
0:05:56 > 0:06:00award-winning, serious one-man show about it.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03Depressing, award-winning, meaningful stand-up shows -
0:06:03 > 0:06:06that's the new trend in stand-up.
0:06:06 > 0:06:07They're not on BBC Two.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10Obviously, by the time any comedy is on BBC Two,
0:06:10 > 0:06:11it's of no artistic value.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13But... LAUGHTER
0:06:13 > 0:06:17It's the new trend - depressing, award-winning, one-man show.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19IN WHINY VOICE: "I was adopted by a goldfish,
0:06:19 > 0:06:23"and I was really depressed and confused
0:06:23 > 0:06:25"and I lived in fear of toilets,
0:06:25 > 0:06:27"but I was able to see the funny side.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29"Can I have an award, please?"
0:06:30 > 0:06:34"Oh, I've got eczema. It's really itchy.
0:06:34 > 0:06:39"But it's taught me something about life, having eczema.
0:06:39 > 0:06:40"Can I have an award, please?"
0:06:40 > 0:06:45"Oh, my dad's dead, and he's died and it's really depressing. But..."
0:06:45 > 0:06:49Oh, fuck off. Shut up. Give your award back.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55All our dads die.
0:06:57 > 0:06:58We all die.
0:07:01 > 0:07:02What are we?
0:07:05 > 0:07:08We're just meat being shovelled into a grave.
0:07:12 > 0:07:13You don't want to hear that on a night out.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15LAUGHTER
0:07:15 > 0:07:18Sad, depressing, meaningful comedy - what a waste of time.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20"I've only got one arm!"
0:07:20 > 0:07:23Fuck off back to New Zealand and shut up.
0:07:28 > 0:07:32I could do a sad, meaningful, award-winning comedy show.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Loads of terrible things have happened to me.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36I've...I'm deaf,
0:07:36 > 0:07:4065,000 born-again Christians tried to send me to prison.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45I've got irritable bowel syndrome.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47I could do a show about that, couldn't I?
0:07:47 > 0:07:49IN WHINY VOICE: "Oh, I've got irritable bowel syndrome,
0:07:49 > 0:07:52"but as long I avoid carbonated drinks,
0:07:52 > 0:07:55"it's not too bad, really. Oh, it's not..."
0:07:57 > 0:08:00I could do a sad, meaningful, depressing stand-up show,
0:08:00 > 0:08:02but I'm not going to
0:08:02 > 0:08:04cos I've got some dignity and some self-respect,
0:08:04 > 0:08:06and I think some things should remain private
0:08:06 > 0:08:09and are not a fit subject for comedy
0:08:09 > 0:08:12unless there's the possibility of broadsheet newspaper coverage
0:08:12 > 0:08:13and broadcaster interest.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15LAUGHTER
0:08:21 > 0:08:25I think the first time that I learned about death...
0:08:26 > 0:08:29..was from the death of my pet mouse
0:08:29 > 0:08:33which was given to me by my uncle when I was six.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37I say uncle - he was a man I met at a bus stop.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44But he said he was my uncle...
0:08:46 > 0:08:48..and his pockets were full of mice.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55At least he said they were mice.
0:08:58 > 0:08:59I mean, they squeaked.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04But, you know, I loved that mouse,
0:09:04 > 0:09:06and as a child, I sort of imagined the mouse
0:09:06 > 0:09:09had some kind of relationship with me.
0:09:09 > 0:09:14This is an extract from my childhood diary.
0:09:16 > 0:09:181976. I was eight years old.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24"Mum and I are a single-parent family now...
0:09:28 > 0:09:29"..not that that matters...
0:09:31 > 0:09:34"..because every night, after school,
0:09:34 > 0:09:36"I tell my mouse about my day,
0:09:36 > 0:09:38"my worries and my concerns.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42"And he lies on the floor,
0:09:42 > 0:09:44"scratching and eating and making smells...
0:09:46 > 0:09:47"..and then he turns his back on me
0:09:47 > 0:09:50"and goes off and urinates in the corner.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54"It's just like before Dad left."
0:09:54 > 0:09:58LAUGHTER
0:10:02 > 0:10:04Erm...you know, looking back,
0:10:04 > 0:10:09I think that was a bit unfair of the eight-year-old me.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12My father was a very funny man, and he...
0:10:13 > 0:10:16You know, I admired him enormously. He lived for the weekend.
0:10:16 > 0:10:21And...at the weekend, he would spend the whole weekend in his flat
0:10:21 > 0:10:25wearing just a pair of leopard-skin Speedo swimming trunks
0:10:25 > 0:10:27eating only little pots of jam
0:10:27 > 0:10:30that he'd stolen from Dutch hotel rooms...
0:10:31 > 0:10:34..watching only documentaries about Hitler
0:10:34 > 0:10:36and pausing only to go out into the garden
0:10:36 > 0:10:38to throw stones at cats.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40Or to look through a crack in the curtains
0:10:40 > 0:10:42at women passing in the street outside
0:10:42 > 0:10:44through a high-powered telescope.
0:10:46 > 0:10:50As a younger man, I wondered if my father had been truly happy.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54And now, as a middle-aged man,
0:10:54 > 0:10:57I realised he was happier than I will ever be.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00LAUGHTER
0:11:00 > 0:11:02APPLAUSE
0:11:02 > 0:11:05It's those little pots of jam I remember - he loved those.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07No, he really loved these little... He loved jam.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09He loved...he loved jam.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12He did. He loved jam. He absolutely loved jam.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15He loved all the different kinds of jam.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17LAUGHTER
0:11:24 > 0:11:25Plain.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28LAUGHTER
0:11:30 > 0:11:33Plain jam. He liked plain jam.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36He liked jam, but he didn't really like the fruit element.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45The whole programme really comes across as
0:11:45 > 0:11:48a sort of desperate attempt to convince people
0:11:48 > 0:11:50that you're a genius when you're not, really.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52You're a sort of cross between
0:11:52 > 0:11:54- a reasonably intelligent person and an idiot.- Yeah.
0:11:54 > 0:11:58It's a comedy about a man who would like to be thought of as a genius,
0:11:58 > 0:12:00but isn't, and I'm aware of that.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03I think that even applies to these interview bits.
0:12:03 > 0:12:07- I mean, they're annoying.- Yeah. - They're very annoying.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09They're used in the name of being interesting.
0:12:09 > 0:12:13In an actual fact, the only people who could possibly like them
0:12:13 > 0:12:17are people who have just enough brain to think they might be clever
0:12:17 > 0:12:20- but not enough brain to realise they're not.- I know.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22You know, they serve a purpose.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25They have a flavour of cleverness about them,
0:12:25 > 0:12:26but they're not doing anything
0:12:26 > 0:12:30that a few bright colours swirling round
0:12:30 > 0:12:33against a backdrop of forestry wouldn't achieve.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36- They're much worse than Christmas lights.- Yeah.
0:12:36 > 0:12:40But nowadays I'm a prisoner of sober parental responsibility,
0:12:40 > 0:12:45but I look back on my father and he was an outlaw.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48You know, he lived beyond the bounds of society.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51The only thing stopping my father being regarded as
0:12:51 > 0:12:53a countercultural icon
0:12:53 > 0:12:56in the vein of Charles Bukowski or Serge Gainsbourg
0:12:56 > 0:12:58is the fact that he had a Birmingham accent.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00LAUGHTER
0:13:00 > 0:13:02Which is weird cos he was from Truro.
0:13:05 > 0:13:06OK. They're laughing at that.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09Do you think that's all right, that joke? I don't know.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11Cos it's getting laughs,
0:13:11 > 0:13:13but it sort of breaks the truth of the story, doesn't it?
0:13:13 > 0:13:16Do you know what I mean?
0:13:16 > 0:13:18I think the thing is when you're doing sort of
0:13:18 > 0:13:22serious kind of confessional-based stand-up that's about something,
0:13:22 > 0:13:25I think you've got to put little light-hearted moments like that in,
0:13:25 > 0:13:28otherwise it's just theatre, isn't it?
0:13:30 > 0:13:32And no-one wants that.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34LAUGHTER
0:13:35 > 0:13:38That's why it has to be publicly subsidised.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42OK, I don't even agree with that joke. Right?
0:13:42 > 0:13:45I just did it to get in with them. Right?
0:13:46 > 0:13:48I don't even agree.
0:13:48 > 0:13:52God knows you don't need me to make the case
0:13:52 > 0:13:56that art has no inherent value other than its financial worth.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59We have John Whittingdale, the Culture Secretary for that.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05A man who, if he were to see the aurora borealis
0:14:05 > 0:14:08twinkling over a Scandinavian snowfield,
0:14:08 > 0:14:10would see only a missed opportunity
0:14:10 > 0:14:12for a public-private finance initiative.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22A lot of...a lot of non-movers in the room there.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24See that?
0:14:24 > 0:14:27Kind of...I can see along the back there sort of...
0:14:27 > 0:14:31I don't need to be regarded with suspicion
0:14:31 > 0:14:34by members of my own audience for that...for that joke
0:14:34 > 0:14:37cos I can go home and I can go on Twitter
0:14:37 > 0:14:39and I can see all the young comics.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42They hate me, but they're kind of obsessed with me.
0:14:42 > 0:14:43They've been in live and seen that,
0:14:43 > 0:14:46and they go, "Oh, he's lost it. It's really embarrassing.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48"He's virtually dead. He's fucked.
0:14:48 > 0:14:52"He's doing this joke about the public-private finance initiative.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55"It's absolutely meaningless and it's not funny
0:14:55 > 0:14:57"and it's not even a proper joke."
0:14:57 > 0:14:59And, you know, whatever you think of it, it is a proper joke, that.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02You may not find it funny, but it is a proper joke, that joke.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05It is because it has the structure and rhythm of a joke,
0:15:05 > 0:15:06so therefore it is a joke.
0:15:06 > 0:15:10It is. It goes, nah-nah nah-nah, nah-nah nah-nah, nah-nah.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12Nah-nah nah-nah nah-nah, nah-nah nah-nah,
0:15:12 > 0:15:14public-private finance initiative.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16LAUGHTER Right, that is a joke, see?
0:15:16 > 0:15:18That's how a joke works.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20APPLAUSE
0:15:20 > 0:15:22That's getting applause, right?
0:15:24 > 0:15:26What they mean when they go, "Oh, he's lost it. Oh, he's got..."
0:15:26 > 0:15:30They mean it's not about living in a flat or something like that.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32You know, it's about... I'm trying...
0:15:32 > 0:15:37As usual, right, I'm about seven years ahead of the curve, right?
0:15:37 > 0:15:39And the problem with being seven years ahead of the curve
0:15:39 > 0:15:42is by the time everyone else has caught up with you,
0:15:42 > 0:15:44they've forgotten that you did it in the first place.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47It's better to be about three years ahead of the curve.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49And I'm trying to do...I'm trying to, as usual,
0:15:49 > 0:15:54I'm trying to take the form of this and do something with it, right?
0:15:54 > 0:15:55Take it somewhere it's not been.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57I'm using the shape of jokes,
0:15:57 > 0:15:59but I'm trying to use them,
0:15:59 > 0:16:02not as an obsolete joke-dying figure,
0:16:02 > 0:16:05but as someone trying to strike at
0:16:05 > 0:16:08the very heart of the moral bankruptcy
0:16:08 > 0:16:10behind the free market philosophy, right?
0:16:10 > 0:16:14Yeah, and you're not going to see that on Comedy Central.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16And if you do, which you won't,
0:16:16 > 0:16:18it'll be coming out the mouth of
0:16:18 > 0:16:21a 30-something wannabe panel show team captain
0:16:21 > 0:16:23unconsciously plagiarising me
0:16:23 > 0:16:25as part of an unacknowledged oedipal struggle.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:28 > 0:16:32Of which there can only be one winner -
0:16:32 > 0:16:37a 47-year-old man with irritable bowel syndrome.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40There's a joke about the Culture Secretary, John Whittingdale...
0:16:40 > 0:16:42- Yeah.- ..being such a philistine
0:16:42 > 0:16:45that if he saw the northern lights,
0:16:45 > 0:16:47he'd think, "Oh, there's a missed opportunity
0:16:47 > 0:16:50- "for a public-private finance initiative."- Yeah.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52- That's the joke, isn't it? - I know, yeah.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54- However...- Yeah. - ..it doesn't make any sense.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57No, I know. I know, I know, I know that,
0:16:57 > 0:16:59and I kept thinking, "Oh, I must change that."
0:16:59 > 0:17:01Then the next thing I knew I was on stage saying it
0:17:01 > 0:17:03and it was too late and it had been filmed...
0:17:03 > 0:17:05Well, what the hell... I mean...
0:17:05 > 0:17:08I know, it's a piece of utter, just, bullshit, the whole thing.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11And then it goes back into this other thing about...
0:17:11 > 0:17:13- It's infuriating. It's absolutely infuriating.- I know it is.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15Don't think I'm not ashamed of it.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18I did a thing. It was rubbish. I meant to sort it out. I couldn't.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20So I instead wrote another bit
0:17:20 > 0:17:23where it gave the impression that it was supposed to be rubbish anyway.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25You know what? That's what I do, and I'm aware of it.
0:17:25 > 0:17:29I'm aware of the hypocrisy of it, the repetitive nature of it
0:17:29 > 0:17:31and the fact that it's a one-size-fits-all escape route
0:17:31 > 0:17:35for any error and failure and lack of effort, and I feel...
0:17:35 > 0:17:37- You feel proud of it. - No, I don't feel proud of it.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39- The way you're talking now, you do. - No, I don't.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41- Yeah, but you actually do. - I feel like my whole life
0:17:41 > 0:17:44I've been winging it from one chance to the next,
0:17:44 > 0:17:48and you unravel it every now and again,
0:17:48 > 0:17:50and I think how lucky I've been.
0:17:52 > 0:17:53But you probably walk away
0:17:53 > 0:17:56- sniggering about the whole thing, don't you?- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00My childhood diary again from...
0:18:02 > 0:18:04..1978. December.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07It was a cold December, I remember.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09Back when we used to have weather.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13Rather than just nothing punctuated by catastrophes.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16LAUGHTER
0:18:24 > 0:18:28"Today, I came home from school,
0:18:28 > 0:18:33"let myself in with the key from under the flowerpot,
0:18:33 > 0:18:36"and I saw that the mouse was obviously dead..."
0:18:36 > 0:18:38AUDIENCE MEMBER LAUGHS
0:18:38 > 0:18:41LAUGHTER
0:18:44 > 0:18:47In the serious confessional stand-up show,
0:18:47 > 0:18:48the laugh point is at the point
0:18:48 > 0:18:51where the comedian processes the tragedy into comedy -
0:18:51 > 0:18:54not at the point of the tragedy itself.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57LAUGHTER
0:18:57 > 0:19:00You know what your problem is? You're ahead of the curve.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09"There was blood in the mouse's mouth
0:19:09 > 0:19:11"and his neck had got twisted
0:19:11 > 0:19:14"as he tried to bite his way through a bar of his cage.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18"I assumed he had been contented enough.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21"I mean, he had a wheel.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27"But it appears my mouse had been so depressed
0:19:27 > 0:19:30"that he had killed himself while trying to escape.
0:19:31 > 0:19:35"Sometimes I wonder how well can we ever really say we know anyone?"
0:19:39 > 0:19:42A very wise little boy.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44LAUGHTER
0:19:45 > 0:19:47You know, now I'm older,
0:19:47 > 0:19:49I wonder is that what gets us all in the end, you know?
0:19:49 > 0:19:52A slow...creeping realisation of
0:19:52 > 0:19:54the sheer pointlessness of existence.
0:19:56 > 0:20:00Run, run, run...
0:20:01 > 0:20:03..on your wheel...
0:20:05 > 0:20:07..on your treadmill...
0:20:08 > 0:20:11..but you can never outrun death.
0:20:15 > 0:20:16Unsurprisingly, my pitch for
0:20:16 > 0:20:18the Fitness First advertising account was...
0:20:18 > 0:20:21LAUGHTER
0:20:23 > 0:20:25..was rejected out of hand,
0:20:25 > 0:20:29as were all my other...subsequent attempts.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32"Fitness First -
0:20:32 > 0:20:35"run, jump,
0:20:35 > 0:20:39"swim, cycle,
0:20:39 > 0:20:40"die."
0:20:40 > 0:20:42LAUGHTER
0:20:44 > 0:20:46"Fitness First -
0:20:46 > 0:20:49"postponing the inevitable since 1993."
0:20:54 > 0:20:56"Fitness First -
0:20:56 > 0:20:58"a series of increasingly futile gestures
0:20:58 > 0:21:00"in the laughing face of mortality."
0:21:06 > 0:21:07"Fitness First -
0:21:07 > 0:21:09"why not book a one-to-one session
0:21:09 > 0:21:12"with one of our fully qualified personal trainers?
0:21:12 > 0:21:14"And then die."
0:21:14 > 0:21:16LAUGHTER
0:21:17 > 0:21:20All rejected. Rejected out of hand.
0:21:23 > 0:21:26My childhood diary again. The same night, this is.
0:21:29 > 0:21:33"Mum helped me bury the mouse in a sock in a shoebox
0:21:33 > 0:21:35"in the back garden...
0:21:36 > 0:21:38"..and then she went out to night school.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42"When my mum came home,
0:21:42 > 0:21:45"she said a woman at college had told her that mice hibernate."
0:21:45 > 0:21:48LAUGHTER I know. They don't, do they?
0:21:48 > 0:21:49They don't hibernate.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52But, you know, I always admired that about her,
0:21:52 > 0:21:54her hope, her hope in...
0:21:57 > 0:22:02"My mum insisted we dig up the mouse's now damp and frozen body,
0:22:02 > 0:22:06"hang the mouse in a sock in the cupboard,
0:22:06 > 0:22:10"stick some brandy into the mouse's clearly dead, blood-filled mouth...
0:22:11 > 0:22:13"..and blow-dry him with a hairdryer."
0:22:13 > 0:22:16LAUGHTER
0:22:16 > 0:22:20And I remember the mouse's fur all sort of fluffed up round his neck
0:22:20 > 0:22:22like a weird kind of...ruff
0:22:22 > 0:22:25or sort of long-hair kind of weird collar thing,
0:22:25 > 0:22:27and it had the strange effect of making the mouse
0:22:27 > 0:22:29look exactly like Dave Hill from Slade.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32LAUGHTER
0:22:32 > 0:22:35The dead mouse looked exactly like Dave Hill from Slade
0:22:35 > 0:22:38if Dave Hill from Slade had been dressed up
0:22:38 > 0:22:40in a full-size mouse costume,
0:22:40 > 0:22:43hung up in a massive sock,
0:22:43 > 0:22:45blow-dried with a giant blow dryer
0:22:45 > 0:22:49and had had a weird mixture of blood and brandy pouring out of his mouth.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52A situation which, I now learn,
0:22:52 > 0:22:55given the now well documented excesses of the glam rock era,
0:22:55 > 0:22:58Dave Hill from Slade enjoyed backstage on a number of occasions.
0:22:58 > 0:23:01LAUGHTER
0:23:04 > 0:23:06Well, I came down the next morning, and you know what?
0:23:06 > 0:23:09Despite the so-called certainties of science...
0:23:11 > 0:23:16..despite my cynicism, despite having been pronounced dead,
0:23:16 > 0:23:18buried and exhumed...
0:23:20 > 0:23:24..hung in a sock, blow-dried, fed brandy
0:23:24 > 0:23:27until he looked like Dave Hill from Slade,
0:23:27 > 0:23:30that little mouse, which I had cherished,
0:23:30 > 0:23:33which had been almost like a father substitute to me,
0:23:33 > 0:23:37was obviously fucking dead. It was obviously dead.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40LAUGHTER
0:23:42 > 0:23:44Maybe the alcohol killed it.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47Maybe it was hibernating and it came round
0:23:47 > 0:23:49and then died from alcohol poisoning.
0:23:49 > 0:23:50We'll never know.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55They don't do pathology reports for mice.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00There are no pathologists small enough.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02LAUGHTER
0:24:08 > 0:24:10There are no nano-pathologists.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15No-no, no-no nano...
0:24:15 > 0:24:18LAUGHTER
0:24:18 > 0:24:22..no-no, nano, no-no, nano-pathologists.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28I'll tell you why I've done that, right.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31A lot of the kids, they've been on the internet
0:24:31 > 0:24:34and they've been going, "Oh, he's lost it, he's blown it.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36"You know, he's so dead and old,
0:24:36 > 0:24:40"his idea of a pop culture reference is Slade from the '70s, right?"
0:24:41 > 0:24:44So I put that in to try and bring it up to date.
0:24:44 > 0:24:45You know, No Limits.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52Ebeneezer Goode, all that, you know...
0:24:57 > 0:24:59But it was a school day.
0:24:59 > 0:25:00We were already running late,
0:25:00 > 0:25:04and there simply wasn't time to rebury the mouse
0:25:04 > 0:25:06with full ceremony in the garden.
0:25:06 > 0:25:10And so my mum took the lifeless body of my mouse,
0:25:10 > 0:25:12my best friend, my confidant...
0:25:14 > 0:25:15..and she just threw it in the bin.
0:25:17 > 0:25:21Which isn't so different, I suppose, to what will happen to many of us.
0:25:23 > 0:25:24Wheel or no wheel.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28Fitness First or no Fitness First.
0:25:30 > 0:25:35Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow
0:25:35 > 0:25:38creeps in this petty pace
0:25:38 > 0:25:41to the last syllable of recorded time.
0:25:42 > 0:25:47And all our yesterdays have lighted fools the way to dusty death.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51Out, out, brief candle.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54Life's but a walking shadow,
0:25:54 > 0:25:59a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage
0:25:59 > 0:26:00and then is heard no more.
0:26:02 > 0:26:06It is a tale told by an idiot
0:26:06 > 0:26:11full of sound and fury signifying nothing.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16Free water bottle...
0:26:16 > 0:26:19LAUGHTER
0:26:19 > 0:26:23..with every Fitness First membership...until April
0:26:23 > 0:26:27and then this offer must end!
0:26:27 > 0:26:30APPLAUSE
0:26:39 > 0:26:42# ..up on his sleigh
0:26:42 > 0:26:47# Do the fairies keep him sober for a day?
0:26:48 > 0:26:53# So here it is, Merry Christmas
0:26:53 > 0:26:56# Everybody's having fun
0:26:57 > 0:27:01# Look to the future now
0:27:01 > 0:27:06# It's only just begun... #
0:27:06 > 0:27:09MUSIC: Hilary by The Durutti Collection