0:00:02 > 0:00:07This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:07 > 0:00:11Does it ever occur to you that when you're younger, you run round in quite big circles running through
0:00:11 > 0:00:14all sorts of different environments, picking up all kinds of different influences,
0:00:14 > 0:00:18and as you get older, you get tighter into the core of your own vortex until all you can see
0:00:18 > 0:00:21is the value of stand-up and nothing else, and even that is shit?
0:00:21 > 0:00:24That's one way of looking at it - a very negative way of looking at it.
0:00:24 > 0:00:29A positive way of looking at is that you...begin to understand more
0:00:29 > 0:00:32and you become more discriminatory. And that's...
0:00:32 > 0:00:33I mean, when we first met,
0:00:33 > 0:00:37you were sort of quite methodically ploughing a kind of obscure path
0:00:37 > 0:00:40- through the very margins of popular culture.- Yeah.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43Now, 25 years later, after a lot of hard work,
0:00:43 > 0:00:45you're doing exactly the same.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47- Mm.- Was that the plan?
0:00:50 > 0:00:51Not a plan, as such,
0:00:51 > 0:00:55but...it's happened so decisively
0:00:55 > 0:00:59that it is possible for me to give the impression that it was my intent.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02- But that's telling people something, isn't it?- What's it telling them?
0:01:02 > 0:01:03- I don't know.- No, nor me.
0:01:05 > 0:01:07So, the migrant crisis has been ongoing, hasn't it?
0:01:07 > 0:01:11We had a charity collection of clothes for the migrants
0:01:11 > 0:01:12round here in Hackney.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14But it's such a diverse borough.
0:01:14 > 0:01:19You know, there was Islamic hijabs and Orthodox Jewish skullcaps
0:01:19 > 0:01:22and orange sort of Buddhists' robes
0:01:22 > 0:01:26and lesbians' dungarees, erm...
0:01:26 > 0:01:29one-piece gay rubber gimp suits...
0:01:29 > 0:01:34and loads of ironic 1970s hipster soft rock T-shirts.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38And that was just in the bin bag I took down.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41LAUGHTER
0:01:42 > 0:01:46See, I can do jokes, right? They say I can't do jokes.
0:01:46 > 0:01:49I can do jokes - it's just not something that interests me, right?
0:01:49 > 0:01:51I'm trying to do something else.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54Imagine writing jokes for a living.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57IN A WHINY VOICE: "Oh, this sentence has ended differently
0:01:57 > 0:01:59"to how it began." LAUGHTER
0:01:59 > 0:02:02Imagine doing that over and over all day.
0:02:04 > 0:02:05So...
0:02:07 > 0:02:09I mean, it would be awful, wouldn't it?
0:02:09 > 0:02:12Would be like working in a factory, just folding over the same...
0:02:12 > 0:02:15I'd kill myself if I had to write jokes.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17I'd rather be dead than write jokes.
0:02:19 > 0:02:23But... So, don't go on the internet and go, "Oh, he can't write jokes."
0:02:23 > 0:02:26I've shown you I can - I've chosen not to.
0:02:26 > 0:02:27Do you understand?!
0:02:27 > 0:02:30Four series, now, I've been doing this, right?
0:02:30 > 0:02:33I've obviously chosen to do it like this. I'm not mentally ill.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36LAUGHTER
0:02:36 > 0:02:40APPLAUSE
0:02:40 > 0:02:42And another thing...
0:02:42 > 0:02:44No, you're all right, mate, you're all right.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47LAUGHTER
0:02:49 > 0:02:52No, no, let's forget it. Forget about it. Forget about it.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54Let's have a drink, yeah? All right.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58Well, you've sort of constructed a situation
0:02:58 > 0:03:01in which the worse it gets, the better it gets,
0:03:01 > 0:03:05and certainly there's nobody at the BBC bright enough
0:03:05 > 0:03:08- to work their way outside that trap. - No, no.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10I mean, they won't understand that,
0:03:10 > 0:03:14and, you know, it wins awards, it gets critical acclaim,
0:03:14 > 0:03:18it does all the things that they say a programme is supposed to do.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20The only thing that it doesn't have
0:03:20 > 0:03:24is any honesty or core of integrity to it.
0:03:24 > 0:03:29Because it's produced by a man who is involved
0:03:29 > 0:03:32in a destructive war against an aspect of his own self,
0:03:32 > 0:03:36which isn't something you can say, for example, about Bake Off.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39I was going through all my old T-shirts for the migrants,
0:03:39 > 0:03:43and it was weird, cos I found...I found a T-shirt from 1997.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45It said, "Vote Tony Blair!" Right?
0:03:45 > 0:03:47And I found one from 2004.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50It said, "Impeach Tony Blair." Right?
0:03:50 > 0:03:53I found one from last April that said, "Don't vote!"
0:03:53 > 0:03:55And I found one from last May.
0:03:55 > 0:03:59It said, "Oh, you know what I said on the last T-shirt about not voting?
0:03:59 > 0:04:02"Probably better vote after all, actually, because...
0:04:02 > 0:04:04"Oh, no... It's too late now. Oh..."
0:04:04 > 0:04:06LAUGHTER
0:04:08 > 0:04:10And I'm going to send all of those T-shirts
0:04:10 > 0:04:13to migrants fleeing oppressive totalitarian states
0:04:13 > 0:04:16so they understand how a democracy can encompass
0:04:16 > 0:04:18a variety of contradictory opinion.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:21 > 0:04:23How about that? That's weird, isn't it?
0:04:23 > 0:04:26Applause and indifference in the same room.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30Good metaphor for Britain.
0:04:30 > 0:04:31So...
0:04:31 > 0:04:34LAUGHTER
0:04:34 > 0:04:36I, er...
0:04:37 > 0:04:39But the migrant crisis has brought out
0:04:39 > 0:04:41the very best in British newspaper columnists.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43LAUGHTER
0:04:45 > 0:04:47I wanted to talk to him then.
0:04:55 > 0:04:56Walking away, wasn't he?
0:04:56 > 0:04:58I had a bit I was going to do there, and then...
0:04:59 > 0:05:01HE SIGHS
0:05:03 > 0:05:05But the migrant crisis has brought out
0:05:05 > 0:05:08the very best in British newspaper columnists.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11You're too far away, mate. LAUGHTER
0:05:11 > 0:05:12I'll do it another night.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16No, it's too late now.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18LAUGHTER
0:05:25 > 0:05:27Erm...
0:05:27 > 0:05:30It hasn't. It's brought out the worst, I think.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32I was using that as a rhetorical device.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35They all say different things.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38Giles Fraser, the former priest in the Guardian,
0:05:38 > 0:05:40he said, "Jesus would welcome in the migrants."
0:05:40 > 0:05:43And I thought, "Well, that's all very well for Jesus.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45"His father's house has many rooms."
0:05:45 > 0:05:49MUTED LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:05:49 > 0:05:51One man clapping alone there at the front.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53LAUGHTER
0:05:53 > 0:05:58When you've written a joke so dense in theological allusion...
0:05:59 > 0:06:02..that only one man applauds,
0:06:02 > 0:06:04you know you have no commercial future.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09Amanda Platell in the Daily Mail,
0:06:09 > 0:06:12she said, "That's all very well for Jesus.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14"Jesus wasn't trying to get back through the tunnel
0:06:14 > 0:06:17"from a bargain weekend Euro city break for two."
0:06:17 > 0:06:20MUTED LAUGHTER
0:06:21 > 0:06:23It's awkward when no-one really laughs,
0:06:23 > 0:06:25but one bloke laughs a bit and late, isn't it?
0:06:26 > 0:06:28It's hard to fix that in the edit.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30LAUGHTER
0:06:34 > 0:06:36And...
0:06:37 > 0:06:39..Katie Hopkins in the Sun,
0:06:39 > 0:06:42she would essentially just defecate onto a blank piece of paper.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46But do so with such precision and commitment
0:06:46 > 0:06:50that it becomes bizarrely compelling.
0:06:50 > 0:06:55A Katie Hopkins column once seen can't be unseen, can it? It's very...
0:06:55 > 0:06:58A bit like when you're round at a friend's house and you're on the sofa
0:06:58 > 0:07:01and their Staffordshire bull terrier jumps up, doesn't it?
0:07:01 > 0:07:06And its massive grey mottled penis kind of swings round into your face,
0:07:06 > 0:07:08kind of bulbous purple head.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10And they go, "Argh, are you all right?"
0:07:10 > 0:07:11And you go, "Yes, yes, it's fine."
0:07:11 > 0:07:15And then you sort of move him round, and the testicles are coming at you
0:07:15 > 0:07:18like sort of two walnuts in a sort of string bag, swinging...
0:07:18 > 0:07:21And they go, "Are you all right?" And you go, "Yes, he's fine."
0:07:21 > 0:07:22And then you move the dog round again,
0:07:22 > 0:07:24and his anus is in your face.
0:07:24 > 0:07:28But because he's panting, it's sort of opening and closing and pulsating.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30There's something on it. Like, could be a worm,
0:07:30 > 0:07:33could be some sort of vein, and it's all discoloured.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36Could be flecks of excrement, skin tone - you don't know.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39They're going, "Are all right?" "Yeah, it's fine."
0:07:39 > 0:07:41You try and move the anus away, and the dog's penis swings...
0:07:41 > 0:07:45It's on your eye! The dog's penis is on my eye now!
0:07:45 > 0:07:46Then the testicles are going on your lips.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48HE SPLUTTERS The dog's testi...
0:07:48 > 0:07:50And you move it round.
0:07:50 > 0:07:51And the last thing you see as you push it away,
0:07:51 > 0:07:54the penis swinging round, the testicles,
0:07:54 > 0:07:56the anus opening and closing and opening and closing,
0:07:56 > 0:07:59the worm, the discolouration, the vein,
0:07:59 > 0:08:02and you know that every time you shut your eyes for the rest of your life,
0:08:02 > 0:08:05you will see that image, you will see that image.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11And that's what a Katie Hopkins column is like.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14LAUGHTER
0:08:14 > 0:08:16APPLAUSE
0:08:19 > 0:08:21But less ennobling.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23LAUGHTER
0:08:25 > 0:08:27And Yasmin Alibhai-Brown in the Independent,
0:08:27 > 0:08:30she just write the same column as every week with the nouns changed.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32LAUGHTER
0:08:34 > 0:08:41And Rod Liddle in the Sunday Times, he would...with a...
0:08:41 > 0:08:43He's got all gravy down him, hasn't he?
0:08:43 > 0:08:45LAUGHTER You know what I mean?
0:08:49 > 0:08:52Anyway, erm...
0:08:52 > 0:08:56Rod Liddle in the Sunday Times would write...
0:08:56 > 0:08:58With all gravy, and...
0:09:02 > 0:09:04..soup or something on his...
0:09:04 > 0:09:06His sleeve's gone in the soup, hasn't it?
0:09:06 > 0:09:10Rod Liddle. You know what I mean? Anyway.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12You know what I mean? It's Rod Liddle. Anyway.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14Er, sort of soupy bloke, isn't he?
0:09:16 > 0:09:20Anyway, Rod Liddle in the Sunday Times would write...
0:09:20 > 0:09:26The...soup and...gravy and...
0:09:26 > 0:09:31Rod Liddle...like...sort of suet or something
0:09:31 > 0:09:34on his...on his collar.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36A bit of suet on him. Anyway.
0:09:38 > 0:09:45Rod Liddle in...Rod Liddle in the Sunday Times newspaper would...
0:09:45 > 0:09:47Has sort of gravy...
0:09:48 > 0:09:51..soup. It's gone in the soup, hasn't it?
0:09:51 > 0:09:53Suet, splat, on there.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57Yeah, Rod Liddle...in the Sunday Times.
0:09:57 > 0:10:01With...like a sort of mackerel fish kind of...
0:10:03 > 0:10:06..like a paste that's on the...bits gone on his jacket
0:10:06 > 0:10:08and some is on his leg as well.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13Rod Liddle. Anyway. Do you know what I mean?
0:10:14 > 0:10:21Rod Liddle in the Sunday Times would...he would have the...
0:10:21 > 0:10:24gravy, soup, suet.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28Not a...not a pate,
0:10:28 > 0:10:31but like a...you know, sort of spread thing.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36Rod Liddle from the...
0:10:36 > 0:10:38Like a...Angel Delight or...
0:10:38 > 0:10:40Not...not...
0:10:41 > 0:10:45..not mixed up, not with milk, just with the...
0:10:47 > 0:10:48..the powder sort of...
0:10:49 > 0:10:51..got...like, it's gone...pfff,
0:10:51 > 0:10:56and all the powder's gone on his...in the folds of his neck,
0:10:56 > 0:10:59all like in lines in the folds of his neck,
0:10:59 > 0:11:03Angel Delight powder in Rod Liddle's neck from the...
0:11:05 > 0:11:10Anyway, Rod Liddle from the Sunday Times was...
0:11:10 > 0:11:15Had got like a gravy and...soup...
0:11:15 > 0:11:18Like, a red soup has gone on him.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20Suet and...
0:11:22 > 0:11:27..you know, like a sandwich filling sort of thing for kids, fish.
0:11:27 > 0:11:28Er...Angel Delight...
0:11:30 > 0:11:32The powder - it wasn't, you know?
0:11:32 > 0:11:36Rod Liddle from the Sunday Times with the...
0:11:38 > 0:11:40..the jelly from a pork pie.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43LAUGHTER
0:11:43 > 0:11:46Just... Not the meat or the crust -
0:11:46 > 0:11:50just the jelly's been, like, sort of scooped out
0:11:50 > 0:11:52and then he's, like, rubbed it all on there,
0:11:52 > 0:11:56and then he's put his shirt on and you can see he's got, like,
0:11:56 > 0:11:58pie jelly under his shirt, you know? GLASS SMASHES
0:12:00 > 0:12:02Someone's smashed a glass there.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04LAUGHTER
0:12:04 > 0:12:06It's a very arousing image.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10Sort of...pie jelly...
0:12:11 > 0:12:12..like...
0:12:13 > 0:12:16..that's like...sort of rubbed in
0:12:16 > 0:12:20and then the shirt has been done up and has gone, "Ah, pff."
0:12:29 > 0:12:31Weird, cos for a lot of you, the glass smashing,
0:12:31 > 0:12:34that's when you kind of got on board with this, wasn't it?
0:12:34 > 0:12:35And before...
0:12:35 > 0:12:39It took someone else's display of crazed emotion to...
0:12:39 > 0:12:41LAUGHTER ..convince you.
0:12:41 > 0:12:42There's a real air of suspicion in the room.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44Going, "Oh, what's this?" you know?
0:12:46 > 0:12:47People just going, "Oh, it's nothing.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50"It's just a list of food on a man," you know?
0:12:50 > 0:12:52LAUGHTER
0:12:54 > 0:12:55Is that what you think? People...
0:12:55 > 0:12:58Very weak tables up there in the...
0:12:58 > 0:13:02Well lit on the balcony of people nudging each other.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05You've been trouble...you with the glasses and the beard,
0:13:05 > 0:13:08you've not been on board all night, and now you're exactly...
0:13:08 > 0:13:09He's a typical example of
0:13:09 > 0:13:12the "It's just a list of food on a man"...
0:13:12 > 0:13:14constituency.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19It's a shame, cos it was building
0:13:19 > 0:13:23and that's kind of...I've had to deal with...there's a glass smashed
0:13:23 > 0:13:24and there's sort of doubt in the room.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27It's been difficult to get back in to this,
0:13:27 > 0:13:29especially when you can sort of,
0:13:29 > 0:13:31"Oh, it's just food on a man," you know?
0:13:33 > 0:13:36It isn't, anyway. It's very carefully worked out.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38LAUGHTER Well, it is.
0:13:38 > 0:13:42You can't just...trust me, you can't just...say any...
0:13:43 > 0:13:47You can't. You can't just say any foods on Ron Liddle and where it is.
0:13:47 > 0:13:48You have to have, like, a...
0:13:50 > 0:13:52There wouldn't be people smashing their glasses
0:13:52 > 0:13:58if I hadn't spent 26 years developing an intuitive feel
0:13:58 > 0:14:03for what kind of food you can put where on Ron Liddle for comic effect.
0:14:03 > 0:14:04I'm telling you.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08It's not something you can learn. You have to develop a...
0:14:11 > 0:14:13It's not a list of... You can't just say any...
0:14:13 > 0:14:18You couldn't just go, you know, "Rod Liddle with a nut on his hand."
0:14:18 > 0:14:20LAUGHTER
0:14:20 > 0:14:21No, you couldn't do that.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24You're laughing, and you think...you think,
0:14:24 > 0:14:27"Oh, we've got him. We've laughed at that one. He said it's not funny."
0:14:27 > 0:14:29You're not laughing at... I'll tell you what you're laughing at
0:14:29 > 0:14:32cos you don't know enough about comedy to know.
0:14:32 > 0:14:36Right, you think you're laughing at a nut on his hand, but you're not...
0:14:38 > 0:14:39..cos that's not funny...
0:14:39 > 0:14:41What you're laughing at is...
0:14:41 > 0:14:45"What a shit thing that would be if he said it. Ha-ha."
0:14:45 > 0:14:48You're laughing, like, one removed from it.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52You are. Honestly, trust...
0:14:52 > 0:14:55Who knows the most about stand-up - me or you?
0:14:55 > 0:14:57Me, right?
0:14:57 > 0:14:59Night after night, I think about
0:14:59 > 0:15:03exactly what food is funny where on Rod Liddle,
0:15:03 > 0:15:07and you can't come in on a fucking TV recording
0:15:07 > 0:15:09and start throwing glasses around
0:15:09 > 0:15:12and laughing at a nut on Rod Liddle's hand,
0:15:12 > 0:15:14because that is not funny - I'll tell you that.
0:15:15 > 0:15:19I'll tell you, that is not... You can't just say any...
0:15:19 > 0:15:20All right, I'll level with you -
0:15:20 > 0:15:25the rest of this routine is a mixture of prepared foods and places
0:15:25 > 0:15:27that I've carefully worked out
0:15:27 > 0:15:30and others that I've chanced in the moment.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33But even the chanced-in-the-moment ones have a...
0:15:33 > 0:15:35they're...you know, I have a...
0:15:35 > 0:15:40You can't just go, you know, "Rod Liddle with a...pea on his..."
0:15:42 > 0:15:45"..on his...there," all right? Whatever that is.
0:15:45 > 0:15:46Do you know what the problem is?
0:15:46 > 0:15:50I'm so good at this, I can't even think of bad ones. Right?
0:15:50 > 0:15:52So... Cos I have to close... LAUGHTER
0:15:52 > 0:15:56Because every fibre of my body has been fine tuned
0:15:56 > 0:15:59for over a quarter of a century to think,
0:15:59 > 0:16:01"Ooh, what food would be funny and where?"
0:16:01 > 0:16:06And so it's entirely counterintuitive for me to stand in front of you
0:16:06 > 0:16:11and think of a thing that wouldn't be funny on Rod Liddle's...
0:16:11 > 0:16:13Rod Liddle with a pea on...
0:16:13 > 0:16:14- What is this, anyway, here?- Clavicle.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16- What?- Clavicle.
0:16:16 > 0:16:17Clavicle, yeah.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21That is funny. A pea on a clavicle is funny, but...
0:16:21 > 0:16:24LAUGHTER
0:16:24 > 0:16:26You're in the zone. You're in the zone.
0:16:29 > 0:16:30It's like a virus, isn't it?
0:16:31 > 0:16:35You think you're onboard now, don't you? You think you're really...
0:16:35 > 0:16:38You think, "Come on, throw some mad stuff at us now.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40"We've thought of clavicle - we're in the zone."
0:16:42 > 0:16:45Rod Liddle, from the Sunday Times,
0:16:45 > 0:16:47with a kumquat...
0:16:51 > 0:16:53No, not where you're thinking.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56LAUGHTER
0:16:56 > 0:16:57Don't get ahead of yourselves.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06The arrogance of them. The arrogance of them.
0:17:10 > 0:17:14Rod Liddle with...a nut on his hand. MUTED LAUGHER
0:17:14 > 0:17:16See?
0:17:16 > 0:17:18Yeah, I play you like a piano.
0:17:18 > 0:17:19Rod Liddle...
0:17:21 > 0:17:24..with no laugh, and then I go, "Uh," laugh, bang.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29Rod Liddle...
0:17:29 > 0:17:31Let's see what you're made of. Rod Liddle...
0:17:31 > 0:17:34LAUGHTER
0:17:34 > 0:17:36..with a kumquat...
0:17:36 > 0:17:38near his foot.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40LAUGHTER
0:17:40 > 0:17:42Not on him, no.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46What's going on?!
0:17:46 > 0:17:48Miles Davis has arrived.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50LAUGHTER
0:17:50 > 0:17:52Yeah.
0:17:52 > 0:17:56Laying down the main tune...and chucking it away...
0:17:58 > 0:18:01..leaving the rhythm section to hold it together.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03Miles Davis has...
0:18:03 > 0:18:05"Isn't the food on him?"
0:18:05 > 0:18:08"No, it's not even on him any more - it's just near him."
0:18:08 > 0:18:09"It's supposed to be on him."
0:18:09 > 0:18:11No, you can do what you want now.
0:18:13 > 0:18:19Rod Liddle from the Sunday Times would write an article saying...
0:18:19 > 0:18:23There was...gravy...soup, suet...
0:18:24 > 0:18:27Fuck, er...
0:18:27 > 0:18:28Shippam's, isn't it? Shippam's paste.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31Remember? With the little...
0:18:31 > 0:18:33Do you remember Shippam's paste, with the little lid?
0:18:33 > 0:18:35Used to make a popping noise, didn't it?
0:18:35 > 0:18:37HE MAKES POPPING NOISE
0:18:37 > 0:18:39Observational comedy.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41LAUGHTER
0:18:43 > 0:18:49Erm...Angel Delight. Mixed up? No, powder. Pff!
0:18:49 > 0:18:52Jelly from a pie. Where's the meat? Where's the crust?
0:18:52 > 0:18:54I don't fucking know where that is.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56He's thrown it away. He's given it to a dog.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58Rod Liddle... The dog's run off with it.
0:19:00 > 0:19:05Rod Liddle from the Sunday Times with a nut on his hand...
0:19:07 > 0:19:09..pea on his clavicle.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11That was one of yours, wasn't it? Well done.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14LAUGHTER Out of the mouths of babes.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20A stopped clock is right twice a day.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22LAUGHTER
0:19:22 > 0:19:26Rod Liddle from the Sunday Times
0:19:26 > 0:19:27with a kumquat near his foot.
0:19:27 > 0:19:31Rod Liddle from the Sunday Times
0:19:31 > 0:19:36with the...the memory...of a jar of honey...
0:19:38 > 0:19:42..on the shelf of a cupboard in a kitchen
0:19:42 > 0:19:46of a house that he did a share of, rented shared house...
0:19:47 > 0:19:51..up round where the Tally Ho pub was in Kentish Town.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54Do you remember that? Birthplace of pub rock.
0:19:54 > 0:19:57In about '82, he's there, Rod Liddle
0:19:57 > 0:20:00with a load young twenty-something guys,
0:20:00 > 0:20:03come to London, trying to make it as freelancers,
0:20:03 > 0:20:05you know what I mean?
0:20:06 > 0:20:07Sitting up late, weren't they?
0:20:07 > 0:20:10Putting the world to rights, like young guys do, you know?
0:20:11 > 0:20:13"Oh, it's two in the morning."
0:20:13 > 0:20:16"Oh, what we need...what we need is collectivisation."
0:20:16 > 0:20:20"Yeah, but, you know, how that's going to get put into..."
0:20:20 > 0:20:21"Oh, you know. Anyway...
0:20:23 > 0:20:24"..who wants some toast?"
0:20:26 > 0:20:29"Depends, Rod - is there any of your honey?"
0:20:32 > 0:20:34Rod Liddle from the Sunday Times...
0:20:36 > 0:20:41..with a...the insides of a succession of Tunnock's teacakes
0:20:41 > 0:20:45sort of...spooned out
0:20:45 > 0:20:48and then just smashed into his face like that and left there...
0:20:49 > 0:20:52..like a sugary Renaissance death mask.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55LAUGHTER
0:20:56 > 0:20:58Rod Liddle from the Sunday Times
0:20:58 > 0:21:01with Oxo cubes all crumbled into his eyes.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05So that when he thinks of all Syrians coming over here
0:21:05 > 0:21:08and using libraries free,
0:21:08 > 0:21:13he...he cries a form of stock out of his eyes.
0:21:14 > 0:21:19The vegetable stigmata, tears of hate of Rod Liddle.
0:21:19 > 0:21:20"Ergh!
0:21:20 > 0:21:24"They read the book free! Argh!"
0:21:24 > 0:21:27The editor, ashamed, but it drives traffic through the website.
0:21:27 > 0:21:31The readers, "Ergh, Rod's horrible tears, ergh."
0:21:31 > 0:21:33Honestly, the Sunday Times, it's currently got
0:21:33 > 0:21:36Rod Liddle, A A Gill and Jeremy Clarkson all writing for it -
0:21:36 > 0:21:38what's the point of that?
0:21:38 > 0:21:39It's like a branch of Ann Summers
0:21:39 > 0:21:42and all it sells is three different types of butt plug.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:21:44 > 0:21:48Rod Liddle...from the Sunday Times would write
0:21:48 > 0:21:52as Rod Liddle from the Sunday Times
0:21:52 > 0:21:55with a C120 audio tape.
0:21:57 > 0:22:01A recording of himself eating a poppadom...
0:22:03 > 0:22:08..at the Bengal Lancer restaurant up Kentish Town way, about 1983.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14Who's even got a tape deck now? No-one.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19No-one. So, if he wants to hear it, Rob Liddle, he has to go...
0:22:19 > 0:22:21like any of us, he has to go to the attic
0:22:21 > 0:22:25and look for the old tape deck and he dusts it down.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28"Oh, I hope it still works, this old tape deck."
0:22:34 > 0:22:37HE MAKES CHEWING NOISES
0:22:44 > 0:22:46HE MAKES CHEWING NOISES
0:22:52 > 0:22:57LOUDER CHEWING NOISES
0:23:03 > 0:23:08HE MAKES CHEWING NOISES
0:23:13 > 0:23:19HE MAKES CHEWING NOISES
0:23:26 > 0:23:29"Isn't that poppadom dry, Rod?"
0:23:29 > 0:23:31LAUGHTER
0:23:36 > 0:23:38HE MAKES CHEWING NOISES
0:23:45 > 0:23:47"Put some chutney on it or something."
0:23:54 > 0:24:01HE MAKES CHEWING NOISES
0:24:06 > 0:24:09"Rod?
0:24:09 > 0:24:11"Are you going to talk to me or you just going to...
0:24:13 > 0:24:16"..sit there eating that poppadom in silence all night?"
0:24:23 > 0:24:31HE MAKES CHEWING NOISES
0:24:37 > 0:24:43HE MAKES CHEWING NOISES
0:24:44 > 0:24:51HE MAKES CHEWING NOISES
0:25:00 > 0:25:02"Rod, we've come out because...
0:25:04 > 0:25:06"..we need to make plans about our relationship and we..."
0:25:06 > 0:25:09LAUGHTER
0:25:09 > 0:25:12"..you know, there's a lot of things we need to sort out,
0:25:12 > 0:25:14"and I really need you to talk to me."
0:25:20 > 0:25:26HE MAKES CHEWING NOISES
0:25:27 > 0:25:30"Rod, if you don't stop eating all those poppadoms
0:25:30 > 0:25:34"and just...talk to me about what you think our future is,
0:25:34 > 0:25:36"I'm going to walk out of this restaurant.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38"You're never going to see me again
0:25:38 > 0:25:41"and it could be your one chance for happiness
0:25:41 > 0:25:43"in your whole life just thrown away."
0:25:48 > 0:25:55HE MAKES CHEWING NOISES
0:26:11 > 0:26:19HE MAKES CHEWING NOISES
0:26:33 > 0:26:40HE MAKES CHEWING NOISES
0:26:43 > 0:26:48HE MAKES CHEWING NOISES
0:26:54 > 0:26:59HE MAKES CHEWING NOISES
0:27:28 > 0:27:29You know what?
0:27:30 > 0:27:33Every time you look at your watch, I start again.
0:27:33 > 0:27:36LAUGHTER
0:27:36 > 0:27:39APPLAUSE
0:27:47 > 0:27:55HE MAKES CHEWING NOISES