0:00:34 > 0:00:37KNOCK AT DOOR
0:00:38 > 0:00:42- You aboot ready?- I am a baw-hair away fae perfection, Jack.
0:00:43 > 0:00:47Here. Ye hungry?
0:00:47 > 0:00:48Fancy a wee sandwich?
0:00:48 > 0:00:50A wee sandwich, aye.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52As long as it's no' turkey.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56It's turkey, in't it?
0:00:56 > 0:00:57Aye, it's turkey, aye.
0:01:02 > 0:01:06Hmm. Jack, think it's aboot time we were parting company with that fella, d'you no'?
0:01:06 > 0:01:08Aye. It's nigh-on abuse, in't it?
0:01:08 > 0:01:11It's done. We'll just have tae accept it.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13I've got a better idea.
0:01:13 > 0:01:17# Aww, the lid came off the Roses, aww, the lid came off the Roses...
0:01:17 > 0:01:20# And we tanned them in small doses...
0:01:20 > 0:01:24- # When the lid came off the Roses. # - Youse in?- Heh? Oh!
0:01:25 > 0:01:27What's aw the singin' aboot?
0:01:27 > 0:01:29Hello, Isa.
0:01:29 > 0:01:33- Would you like a chocolate? - That'd be lovely.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37Help yersel'(!)
0:01:37 > 0:01:38Where's Winston?
0:01:38 > 0:01:39He's, eh...
0:01:39 > 0:01:41- He's in the... - I'll tell ye where he is.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44He's in ma lavvy emptying his guts, the dirty pig.
0:01:44 > 0:01:45Ergh.
0:01:46 > 0:01:50Smashin'. Ye cannae beat a good, big, hearty Hogmanay shhhh...Isa! Hello.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53Aye, see? Ye nearly embarrassed yersel' there.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56In aw the years, I've never done that.
0:01:56 > 0:01:57Done what?
0:01:57 > 0:02:00Saved up a big dirty number two and drapped it aff at a pal's hoose.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03- It's the height of ignorance. - You live across the landing.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06What should I dae? Go tae my ain hoose when I'm needin'?
0:02:06 > 0:02:11Ye've stunk the whole place oot. It's a pull-through wi' a Christmas tree you're needing!
0:02:11 > 0:02:13Shut up. It's New Year.
0:02:13 > 0:02:14Oot with the old...
0:02:14 > 0:02:16Isa, sit doon, darlin'.
0:02:16 > 0:02:17C'mon, get a sherry.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21Right, well. We'll tan these and get over tae Tam's, eh?
0:02:21 > 0:02:24Don't see why not. Nae rush.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28- Oh, that's lovely. - First of many the night.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33Here's tae us! All the best.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41Here, I never telt youse. I bumped intae Betty Traynor.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44They're getting new heating and everything.
0:02:44 > 0:02:45ALL: Better get up there, eh?
0:02:56 > 0:02:58I'll get this.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06- Too many people.- Four?
0:03:06 > 0:03:07Four's too many?
0:03:07 > 0:03:09No, it says maximum eight.
0:03:09 > 0:03:13- Or 1200lbs.- Aye...- Don't start.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15I'm the lightest I've been in five year.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18Aye, well, you're ten pound lighter after usin ma lavvy!
0:03:20 > 0:03:21Here we go noo.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25S'opening again.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27That's it shutting.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30Oh, here, that's it open again.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33- Yes, we can see that, Isa! - Right, let's go. Use the stairs.
0:03:33 > 0:03:34No way. It's Isa's bag.
0:03:34 > 0:03:40- Will you get in the lift, woman? - Press it again, Jack.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45Oh, that would be a fine start to the New Year, eh?
0:03:45 > 0:03:47Stuck in the bloody hoist.
0:03:47 > 0:03:52Youse would love that, wouldn't ye? Stuck in here wi' me gabbing away like a budgie.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54Youse would strangle me!
0:03:55 > 0:03:57Oh, Charlie.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59No, we're full up here, son.
0:03:59 > 0:04:03What we'll do is go down to the bottom and send it back up, OK?
0:04:03 > 0:04:06- It hauds eight.- Aye, I know that, Charlie, but... Right, OK. You're in.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09Press ten.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12One floor? Could ye no' have just walked doon?
0:04:12 > 0:04:15Naw. Oops.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17That's awright, son. It's ma foot.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19- Sorry, pal.- Nae worries.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21It's rubber.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24- Ye wantin' a wee chocolate, son? - Aye...
0:04:24 > 0:04:26Keep 'em coming!
0:04:33 > 0:04:36Away, that lazy, fat bastard. One floor!
0:04:36 > 0:04:40- Did you call me a fat bastard? - No, just wished you all the best when it comes!
0:04:44 > 0:04:45That was close.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48- What's that now?- Oh, naw!
0:04:49 > 0:04:52- Whit's happening? - That big balloon's broke the lift.
0:04:52 > 0:04:56- Oh, my God!- Don't panic, Isa.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58Help is at hand. Excuse me, Jack.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01Hello? Hello?
0:05:05 > 0:05:09Eh, that's no' working just noo.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11- ISA GIGGLES - What's so funny?
0:05:11 > 0:05:17There's me jokin' away aboot getting stuck in the lift and we actually are. At New Year!
0:05:19 > 0:05:21- Help! Somebody!- Hello!
0:05:21 > 0:05:24Hey, hey, hey!
0:05:24 > 0:05:26Calm doon! It's Hogmanay, in't it?
0:05:26 > 0:05:28People are oot and aboot, gaun' places.
0:05:28 > 0:05:32In a couple of minutes somebody will realise this lift isnae working
0:05:32 > 0:05:34and they'll phone an engineer!
0:05:34 > 0:05:36Aye!
0:05:36 > 0:05:40Let me get this right. There's a lift engineer sittin' by the phone,
0:05:40 > 0:05:42and he's thinking "Ooh, it's Hogmanay.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45"What'll I dae? Will I go out and get pished wi' ma engineer pals,
0:05:45 > 0:05:51"or will I sit here like a walloper by the phone, just in case that lift in Osprey Heights goes aff?"
0:05:51 > 0:05:54Face it - we're stuck. We're going naewhere.
0:05:54 > 0:05:58Aye, but yer modern lifts aren't about engineers any more, are they?
0:05:58 > 0:06:00They're automatic. Electronic.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03Wi' yer central switches and aw that.
0:06:03 > 0:06:07When yer lift goes off it knows that it's off and that's when it kicks up.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10- Like what?- Sensors and that.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13And diodes and you've got the dampers...
0:06:13 > 0:06:14- Shut up, Jack.- Right.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23Here, Jack. Want a beer?
0:06:23 > 0:06:27- Aye, OK. Smashing, yeah.- Smashing.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30Drinking!
0:06:37 > 0:06:42# Love in an elevator! Livin' it up when I'm going down! #
0:06:49 > 0:06:51How long's that been now, Jack?
0:06:52 > 0:06:55Two hours and 20 minutes.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58Haud on, that's us now. Get your haun in there.
0:07:01 > 0:07:06Oh, here. We're between floors. That's a start.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08Hello, is anybody there at all?
0:07:08 > 0:07:10Hello! We need help here!
0:07:12 > 0:07:15Nae way, man! C'mere till you see this!
0:07:17 > 0:07:19What youse daein' in there?
0:07:19 > 0:07:21Gonnae have a New Year party?
0:07:22 > 0:07:25Listen, could ye go doon and get somebody to help us?
0:07:25 > 0:07:27Cannae go doon, man. The lift's aff.
0:07:27 > 0:07:32We understand that. Just wondering if you could run doon the stairs and get somebody to help us.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Cannae run doon aw they stairs.
0:07:34 > 0:07:38Not when you're oot your tits. Stairs freak ye oot, man.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41- Do either of you have a phone? - I've got a phone, man.
0:07:41 > 0:07:42Could you phone the Fire Brigade?
0:07:42 > 0:07:45Oh, right. Are youse oan fire?
0:07:46 > 0:07:50- Gonnae just phone them, son? Please? - Haud on the noo.
0:07:52 > 0:07:56Cannae phone, man. You can only phone if your top-up is aw topped up.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58But I've no' topped up ma top-up.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00So ye cannae get talkin' oan it.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03I dunno what that means. Ye cannae help us?
0:08:03 > 0:08:06- Gie's a tenner. - For what?- Tae help you.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08You listen tae me, ya wee tadger!
0:08:08 > 0:08:11Ten quid, man. Ten quid buys your freedom.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13Och!
0:08:14 > 0:08:19- Here. Gie him that.- Square you up later on.- Just gie him it!
0:08:19 > 0:08:21There you are. Go on.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23Feechees.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26- Sorry?- Feechees.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28Yes. Feechees to you, too.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30Are you helping us or what?
0:08:30 > 0:08:32Naw. A tenner fae each o' youse.
0:08:36 > 0:08:3740 bloody quid, eh?
0:08:40 > 0:08:42There you are.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45Right. Here how it's gonnae work.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47We've got tae go tae a party.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49- We'll be there tae, say... - The morra morning.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51Aye, deffo. Morra morning.
0:08:51 > 0:08:56There's usually somebody that gets rolls...milk.
0:08:56 > 0:09:01If we see an engineer, we're gonnae totally mention tae him that youse are stuck in here.
0:09:03 > 0:09:04Haud on the noo.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11Youse any other tenners on ye?
0:09:11 > 0:09:14Away you go! You've had the lot aff us, ya wee waster!
0:09:14 > 0:09:16Aw, that's cheeky, man.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18Totally cheeky.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21There wis us gonnae help ye, tae.
0:09:36 > 0:09:41Do you know, in all the years I've been living up here I don't think this lift's ever been broken?
0:09:41 > 0:09:43Aye. They've always been good.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45- Aye.- Good lifts?
0:09:45 > 0:09:48- Youse two must have Alzheimer's.- Eh?
0:09:48 > 0:09:49When did you move here?
0:09:50 > 0:09:54When did I...? Eh... 1970... '70...
0:09:54 > 0:09:55Five.
0:09:55 > 0:09:56Aye. '75.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58You remember yer first Hogmanay then?
0:10:02 > 0:10:04Aye!
0:10:06 > 0:10:08Wow. What's that smell?
0:10:10 > 0:10:15That, my dear, is FIST. The essence of man.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17Mmm.
0:10:17 > 0:10:18That's something!
0:10:18 > 0:10:21Isn't it?
0:10:21 > 0:10:26You know what? I wish we didnae have anyone coming round tonight.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28Oh aye?
0:10:28 > 0:10:30So they didnae need to smell that.
0:10:32 > 0:10:33C'mon, Betty!
0:10:34 > 0:10:36That wasnae cheap stuff.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38That cost me three and a half quid!
0:10:38 > 0:10:42- It's weird, isn't it?- What's that? - Being in a new hoose.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45Aye. It's strange.
0:10:45 > 0:10:49- You've got it lovely though! - By the way, the lift's aff.
0:10:49 > 0:10:50You're jokin'.
0:10:52 > 0:10:56There's no way people are gonnae climb 14 flights to come to a party!
0:10:56 > 0:10:58Stop worrying. They'll be here.
0:11:08 > 0:11:12MUSIC: "That's The Way I Like It" by KC & The Sunshine Band
0:11:17 > 0:11:21- # That's the way, uh-huh-uh-huh, I like it... # - DOORBELL
0:11:21 > 0:11:23You're all right, sweetheart. I'll get that!
0:11:27 > 0:11:30Jackie, ma man! Jean, doll! Come in!
0:11:30 > 0:11:31Lift's knackered.
0:11:31 > 0:11:35I know. Murder, eh?
0:11:39 > 0:11:42Jesus, Victor. You've landed on your feet here!
0:11:42 > 0:11:45This is like Hugh Hefner! Done aw this in two days?
0:11:45 > 0:11:47Aye. Bedroom's still full of boxes.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49Gie's your coat aff you!
0:11:49 > 0:11:50Aye, there ye go.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54Excellent!
0:11:54 > 0:11:56Aw, whit?
0:12:01 > 0:12:03Oot.
0:12:03 > 0:12:04What?
0:12:04 > 0:12:06The shirt! The tie! You're going to have to change.
0:12:06 > 0:12:11You change. I'm no' traipsing awe the way over the estate tae change a daft shirt!
0:12:11 > 0:12:13People will think we're a couple of woofters!
0:12:13 > 0:12:16Shut up! It's only a shirt.
0:12:16 > 0:12:17Am I getting a drink?
0:12:18 > 0:12:19Right.
0:12:25 > 0:12:30Oh ho ho! Sweet, Vic. I like that.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33Get that doon ye, Jack.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35Place is looking dynamite!
0:12:38 > 0:12:40Come and see this.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49Oh, that's fantastic.
0:12:49 > 0:12:53- What colour's that? - Avocado.- Avocado?
0:12:53 > 0:12:57It's like something out the Modern Homes Exhibition. I've never seen anything like that!
0:12:57 > 0:12:59Great, eh?
0:12:59 > 0:13:00Incredible.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02KNOCK AT DOOR
0:13:09 > 0:13:10Who's ready to party?
0:13:10 > 0:13:13Woah, Winston, who are all these people?
0:13:13 > 0:13:16Look. You're new to Craiglang, in't ye?
0:13:16 > 0:13:18You don't know anybody, so I brought people.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21Want tae meet some nice people? Friendly?
0:13:21 > 0:13:22That's what it's all about, man!
0:13:24 > 0:13:27- I don't know them. - Ye will by the end of the night.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31Relax. It's a party, for God's sake. Eh, up!
0:13:31 > 0:13:33Jack! She'll go off her nut!
0:13:33 > 0:13:36Who wears the flares in this hoose of yours?
0:13:36 > 0:13:37Anywhere to put our coats?
0:13:37 > 0:13:41- Aye, aye. I'll take them. - Right - just through by there...
0:13:42 > 0:13:44Jack! Gie's us a haun wi' this.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47Where did you get that?
0:13:47 > 0:13:50Well I, eh...ah...you know?
0:13:50 > 0:13:53No, I don't know. Where did ye get it?
0:13:53 > 0:13:58- I stole it fae the back of the Clansman.- Ye can't bring it here. Get shot of it.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01I've just humped this up 14 flights.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04If you want rid of it ye'll have tae throw it out the window.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06LIFT BELL PINGS
0:14:07 > 0:14:09Nearly burst oot greeting, it was that cheap.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11You jammy bastard!
0:14:12 > 0:14:13Lifts back on?
0:14:13 > 0:14:15- It would appear so.- Who's this?
0:14:17 > 0:14:20Eh? Oh, this is my pal, Tam.
0:14:20 > 0:14:24How ye doin'? I'm Tam, Winston's pal. I live at 47...
0:14:26 > 0:14:30- Go and get a drink. - In you come, darlin'...
0:14:32 > 0:14:37- Hello there. Mr McDade, in't it? - Victor, darlin'.
0:14:37 > 0:14:38What's so funny?
0:14:39 > 0:14:44Nothing. I just never realised you were on the same landing as Isa.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46That's a belter, right enough.
0:14:46 > 0:14:51- How?- Well. How do you put this without being rude? Erm...
0:14:51 > 0:14:53Allow me.
0:14:53 > 0:14:58She's the nosiest poke-nosed gabshite in Craiglang. No offence, darlin'.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01- Is that you having a few pals roon' for the bells?- Yeah.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03- Wee party?- Aye.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05- Wee housewarmin'?- Mm-hm.
0:15:05 > 0:15:06Shindig? Wi' a keg of beer?
0:15:06 > 0:15:09- Mm-hm.- That's nice.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16We'll not be makin' much noise, love.
0:15:16 > 0:15:20I don't mind noise, not if folk are enjoying themselves.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22We just sit up at the bells.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24Harry and me. Reading.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30Listen, why don't you...?
0:15:30 > 0:15:32JACK COUGHS
0:15:32 > 0:15:34Sorry. Why don't you and yer man...? COUGHING CONTINUES
0:15:36 > 0:15:37What is that you're daein'?
0:15:38 > 0:15:41Just trying to get the lid off this keg of beer.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43But it's... no' happening!
0:15:45 > 0:15:49- Why don't you and your man come across? You're more than welcome. - Aw, we'd love to.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51Harry! That's us!
0:16:01 > 0:16:03Aye. Christ.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06We had it aw in front of us back then, eh?
0:16:06 > 0:16:09Not a care in the world. Those were the good days.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13What ye thinking aboot, Isa?
0:16:14 > 0:16:18Just thinking where this one-legged, pot-bellied, red-faced bastard
0:16:18 > 0:16:22gets aff calling me "The Nosiest poke-nosed gabshite in Craiglang"!
0:16:22 > 0:16:24Aye. You're right, Isa.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26Sorry.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28I was way aff wi' that, wasn't I?
0:16:30 > 0:16:32Anyway.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40- We've got a situation here. - What ye talkin aboot?
0:16:41 > 0:16:43Well, you've had one can each, right?
0:16:43 > 0:16:44And I had four.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47You're a greedy bastard, what else is new?
0:16:47 > 0:16:51- I'm choking for a Lillian Gish. - Naw, naw, naw, naw, naw.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54- You can haud it in. - I've been haudin' it in, Victor.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57They days are away. Isa, I'm sorry.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59Avert yer eyes.
0:16:59 > 0:17:00Wait a minute.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02Are you planning on daein' it in here?
0:17:02 > 0:17:04Aye. I'm burstin'!
0:17:04 > 0:17:06What, and we've tae wade aboot in it, are we?
0:17:06 > 0:17:09- Ma back teeth are floatin' here. - Pee in an empty can!
0:17:09 > 0:17:13- Naw, I cannae! I flattened them aw. - The bag the cans were in!
0:17:13 > 0:17:17Haud on a minute. Two holes in it. What is it with Tesco?
0:17:17 > 0:17:20What do they put they holes in the bags for?
0:17:20 > 0:17:24It's to let your groceries breathe or if a bottle of shampoo opens
0:17:24 > 0:17:26it doesn't knacker the rest of yer stuff.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29- It could be bleach! - That's plenty, Jack.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31Isa. Empty yer handbag.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33He's no' daein' a pee in my good handbag.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35You're not thinking straight!
0:17:35 > 0:17:37It's got to be contained.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39You're wearing open-toed shoes!
0:17:39 > 0:17:42Why don't ye just dae hauf a pish?
0:17:42 > 0:17:45That'll take the pressure aff. Buy ye a bit of time!
0:17:45 > 0:17:46What do you mean - hauf?
0:17:46 > 0:17:50Start daein' it and nip it haufway through.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52It's no' ideal, But it'll keep the mess doon.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55Right. OK. Isa, stand well back.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01Here goes.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09I cannae dae it. I cannae dae it wi' youse looking at me!
0:18:09 > 0:18:11Problem solved. Put it back in yer troosers!
0:18:11 > 0:18:12Wait!
0:18:13 > 0:18:14Haud on.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16DRIBBLING SOUND
0:18:16 > 0:18:17Aw! Here we are now!
0:18:18 > 0:18:20Awww!
0:18:20 > 0:18:23Right, Winston. Start thinking aboot nippin' it. Come on!
0:18:23 > 0:18:25Aw, mammy, daddy!
0:18:25 > 0:18:27I cannae nip it, the rabbit's away.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29Ah, Jesus!
0:18:30 > 0:18:32What a bloody...
0:18:32 > 0:18:34This is like Tenko!
0:18:39 > 0:18:41Oh, that was smashing.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48- Sorry aboot that. - That's dynamite, in't it?
0:18:48 > 0:18:53When the engineer does come, aw he's gonnae find is four pensioners swimmin' in pish!
0:18:55 > 0:18:58I'll no' claim that. I'll say it was her.
0:18:58 > 0:18:59Ow!
0:19:08 > 0:19:10- What ye laughin' at?- Her.
0:19:10 > 0:19:15Staunin' behind her door in her full party frock waitin' on ma invite!
0:19:17 > 0:19:20Oooh. Do you know who we forgot came?
0:19:23 > 0:19:24Can I help ye?
0:19:24 > 0:19:28HE SPEAKS PUNJABI
0:19:29 > 0:19:30Wait a minute...
0:19:30 > 0:19:32You seem to be at the wrong door.
0:19:32 > 0:19:37HE CONTINUES IN PUNJABI
0:19:38 > 0:19:41- We are having a party.- Party?
0:19:43 > 0:19:45Party!
0:19:48 > 0:19:50You are at the wrong door.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53This door is a bad door for you.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56This door no good to you.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58You. Need. Different. Door.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01He. Victor.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04Me. Victor. This. Victor Door.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07You. Door. Other. Place.
0:20:12 > 0:20:13Tam. Tam.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15Aw, Tam... No.
0:20:15 > 0:20:19- This No Tam Door! This... - Haud on, Jack.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22Tam! Tam! C'mere!
0:20:22 > 0:20:26What? Oh, Navid! Meena!
0:20:26 > 0:20:27He's got the shop noo.
0:20:27 > 0:20:32I told him it'd be awright to come along. S'awright, in't it?
0:20:32 > 0:20:34- Aye. Come on in.- Aye, come on through. Come. Through!
0:20:44 > 0:20:46So what is it you do, Erin?
0:20:46 > 0:20:47I'm a nanny.
0:20:47 > 0:20:48A nanny?
0:20:48 > 0:20:51But I don't really like children.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53No.
0:20:53 > 0:20:54Are you a granda yet?
0:20:54 > 0:20:58No, but I've got one boy. He's a nyaff.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02Must be happy, eh?
0:21:02 > 0:21:04It's kicking aff noo.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06Eh?
0:21:06 > 0:21:08I'm sayin' ye must be made up.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10New hoose. New pals.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12New Year. Magic!
0:21:12 > 0:21:15Aye, it's magic, Jack. It's magic!
0:21:15 > 0:21:17- Have ye tried these?- What's that?
0:21:17 > 0:21:20Heaven, my friend. Paroka!
0:21:21 > 0:21:22Paroka?
0:21:22 > 0:21:24Is it spicy?
0:21:24 > 0:21:26Them an' aw. Have ye tried them?
0:21:27 > 0:21:31- Smozas!- Nah, you're all right. - Ye dunno what you're missin'!
0:21:31 > 0:21:32Ease up, Jack.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34You're gonnae dae yerself an injury.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39Here. Ho!
0:21:39 > 0:21:42These are lovely. Did yer wife make these, eh?
0:21:43 > 0:21:44Oh, aye!
0:21:46 > 0:21:47Paaaarokaaaa!
0:21:50 > 0:21:53I never thought for a minute I'd be audited.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55These things are supposed to be random.
0:21:55 > 0:22:00But I've got this competitor, ye see? I know he's called and put them onto me.
0:22:00 > 0:22:06So I have the last laugh, cos it turns out they owe me 300 quid!
0:22:11 > 0:22:14You... Are... A...
0:22:14 > 0:22:16Bawbag.
0:22:22 > 0:22:23Aw, Jesus, aye. The pakora.
0:22:25 > 0:22:30- Cos you, eh...- Aye... Then you and I, er...
0:22:30 > 0:22:32Aye.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37- You're a good mover. - Yes, I am a good mover.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39I love the dancing.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42See me and the dancing? I'm dancing daft.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45See these legs? I should have them insured, like Fred Astaire.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48I don't know what I'd dae if I couldnae dance.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50See if I lost a leg or something? Shoot me. Boof!
0:22:50 > 0:22:52Shoot me dead.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54I'd be nothing without ma pins!
0:23:00 > 0:23:02Ho! Get yer ain paroka!
0:23:03 > 0:23:06- No, thanks...- Haud them for me.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08Here!
0:23:08 > 0:23:10Betty! Fancy a wee dance?
0:23:10 > 0:23:12Aye, Jack, I'll dance wi' ye!
0:23:14 > 0:23:17Right. Noo put it all together...
0:23:18 > 0:23:22You're daein'...ma box in...
0:23:22 > 0:23:23ya dobber.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29- Isa!- Hello, Harry.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32Cannae imagine one of they drinks is for me, is it?
0:23:32 > 0:23:35- Of course it is. - Since when do I drink Martini?
0:23:37 > 0:23:41- That drink's for the lassie wi' the big knockers. - Her name's Erin.
0:23:43 > 0:23:44We're just talking, love.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46She's very nice.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48She's a nanny.
0:23:48 > 0:23:52She's a bit o' nanny and that's aw you're interested in, ya dirty pig!
0:23:52 > 0:23:55Isa, you're drunk.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57What's the matter, Harry?
0:23:57 > 0:24:00Am I not sexually attractive any mair?
0:24:00 > 0:24:02Have I no' got lovely knockers?
0:24:02 > 0:24:07Are these knockers no' your cup of tea any mair?
0:24:09 > 0:24:12- When was the last time we did it? - Come on, Isa.
0:24:12 > 0:24:16No, I'll tell ye. Three months ago.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18Three months, Harry!
0:24:18 > 0:24:20I am gagging fur it.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22But you're not interested.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24For God's sake, Harry.
0:24:24 > 0:24:29I bought ye the Joy Of Sex ages ago and it's still in the bag wi' the receipt!
0:24:29 > 0:24:31Ye know I'm no' much of a reader!
0:24:31 > 0:24:34Ye could have looked at the pictures!
0:24:34 > 0:24:37I'm a sexual human being, Harry.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39I've got womanly needs.
0:24:39 > 0:24:42Desires.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45I want an orgasm!
0:24:45 > 0:24:48You should get into the hoose and go to your bed.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50Oh aye, you'd love that, wouldn't ye?
0:24:50 > 0:24:54Leave the door wide open for you to fire intae the nanny!
0:24:54 > 0:24:56Come on, Harry.
0:24:56 > 0:24:57Live a little, eh?
0:24:57 > 0:25:01Take me right here! Find ma G-spot!
0:25:01 > 0:25:03Ohhhh...!
0:25:07 > 0:25:12MUSIC: "I Got The Music In Me" by Kiki Dee
0:25:28 > 0:25:31You dirty filthy bastard!
0:25:31 > 0:25:37Puking aw o'er ma wife! Ya greedy fat bastard!
0:25:51 > 0:25:54Aye, well, that's enough reminiscing for the night.
0:25:54 > 0:25:58The New Year's aw aboot looking forward, no' looking back!
0:26:07 > 0:26:09Right, you two. Come on.
0:26:09 > 0:26:10Shake hands.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16Harry!
0:26:16 > 0:26:17Harry!
0:26:17 > 0:26:21Come and take a look at what you're missing, Harry!
0:26:21 > 0:26:24Where's all the good-looking single men at this party?
0:26:26 > 0:26:29If he can dae it, then so can I!
0:26:30 > 0:26:32Tam!
0:26:33 > 0:26:35Isa, Isa, no!
0:26:55 > 0:26:59Well, thanks for the memories, boys.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03Happy New Year.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07It is, aye...
0:27:07 > 0:27:09Happy New Year, Jack.
0:27:09 > 0:27:13- Happy New Year, Winston. - All the best, Jack.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15- Happy New Year.- And you.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30SHIPS' HOOTERS BLARE
0:27:30 > 0:27:32Happy New Year, everybody.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35ALL MURMUR: Happy New Year.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43ALL: Happy New Year!
0:28:12 > 0:28:14So in aw they years
0:28:14 > 0:28:17the lift's only been knackered twice.
0:28:17 > 0:28:19- The night...- And back then.
0:28:22 > 0:28:25Oh, God.
0:28:25 > 0:28:27Hey, where are you aw going?
0:28:27 > 0:28:30- We can get the lift! - The lift's knackered!
0:28:30 > 0:28:33Naw, naw, naw, naw, naw. Tam came oot it!
0:28:33 > 0:28:35It's knackered, Winston.
0:28:35 > 0:28:37It's back on, I'm telling youse!
0:28:40 > 0:28:41See?
0:28:41 > 0:28:43HE SCREAMS