0:00:34 > 0:00:37It's a bloody sin they're shuttin' this place.
0:00:37 > 0:00:42Aye. Ach, well, we've got mair tae annoy us. Christmas is comin' up.
0:00:42 > 0:00:46- Aye. What ye daein'?- I'm just going to ma son's this year.- Oh, lovely.
0:00:46 > 0:00:50- Nice to have you family roon' aboot ye.- What about you?
0:00:50 > 0:00:53Oh, I'll no' have time to think. Same auld thing.
0:00:53 > 0:00:57Turkey dinner, then I hand that in to my neighbours, Jack and Victor.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59Couple of old bloody rogues, they are!
0:00:59 > 0:01:03# Gloria, Gloria
0:01:03 > 0:01:06# Gloria, Gloria
0:01:06 > 0:01:09# Gloria, Gloria
0:01:09 > 0:01:14# Hosanna in excelsis. #
0:01:14 > 0:01:15'Scuse me.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17Take five. Yes?
0:01:17 > 0:01:19I'd like to try oot for the choir.
0:01:19 > 0:01:22Er... We actually have a full compliment.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25That's a shame. I love singin'.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27I was told I've got the voice of an angel.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29I'm sure you have, it's just that...
0:01:29 > 0:01:32It's a community choir. I live in the community.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35Yes, well... The thing is, we've a competition coming up.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37Even if you'd come a couple of months ago...
0:01:37 > 0:01:40Ye no' even want to hear me singing?
0:01:41 > 0:01:43Right. Off you go.
0:01:43 > 0:01:48# Glo-o-o-o-o-o-o... #
0:01:48 > 0:01:51That's great. I'm sorry, we really have to get on.
0:01:55 > 0:01:56Right...
0:01:56 > 0:02:00# Hosanna in excelsis! #
0:02:00 > 0:02:02Naw?
0:02:02 > 0:02:03No.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09One more time, from the middle verse.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11One, two, three, and...
0:02:11 > 0:02:13Oh, hello, Edith.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15Hello, Isa.
0:02:15 > 0:02:16What's the matter, hen?
0:02:16 > 0:02:18I got a knock back fae the choir.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20They don't want me.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22Aw, that's a shame, i'nt it?
0:02:22 > 0:02:25- Are you goin' for the bus? - Jack and Victor were lucky enough tae get in it.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29- Eh?- I'm sayin' Jack and Victor are in the choir.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34# Gloria, Gloria
0:02:34 > 0:02:37# Hosanna in excelsis
0:02:37 > 0:02:41# Gloria, Gloria
0:02:41 > 0:02:44# Gloria, Gloria
0:02:44 > 0:02:48# Gloria, Gloria
0:02:48 > 0:02:53# Hosanna in excelsis. #
0:02:55 > 0:02:58Jack and Victor, a couple of choirboys?!
0:02:58 > 0:03:00They'll be gutted that you saw them.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03And the first thing you do is come in here and tell me.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06Och, don't flatter yoursel'! You're the 38th person I've telt!
0:03:08 > 0:03:11- Yer jokin'!- I'm no'.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13Isa saw them. Singing like budgies.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15That's Christmas come early for me, Charlie.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18I'll get straight doon the Clansman and spread the good word.
0:03:18 > 0:03:23- Here, are you off tae Blackpool again this year? - Nah, that's aw up the spout.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25- I'm going in to hospital.- Whit fur?
0:03:25 > 0:03:27Arsehole. Piles.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30It's like the hangin' gardens of Babylon back there.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33- Awf!- This is the worst week, tae.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36Christmas week. This is when I get ma turn, aw the goodies.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39- Oh, aye? Aff the weans?- Aye.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42This is a plum number. Look at the cars.
0:03:42 > 0:03:46The parents of the weans here are aw loaded.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48Last year, there.
0:03:48 > 0:03:52Seven bottles of malt, and I couldnae even coont the tins of biscuits.
0:03:52 > 0:03:56An' yer missin' oot on aw that? So what happens, do they just send somebody else?
0:03:56 > 0:04:00Aye. Some lucky bastard, hoovering up MY goodwill.
0:04:00 > 0:04:04What size o' coat is that ye've got on ye, Charlie?
0:04:13 > 0:04:15- Two whiskies, Boabby.- Nae problem.
0:04:15 > 0:04:19- Nae wise cracks, Boabby? - Wise cracks?
0:04:19 > 0:04:22- Aye, usually you've got something sarcastic to say.- Aye, a quip.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25Some remark? Nothing?
0:04:25 > 0:04:27Nup.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29Okey dokey, then.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34- Winston.- Am I glad to see youse two!
0:04:34 > 0:04:37- Go ahead, knock yourself out.- Right.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39You know Charlie, the lollipop man?
0:04:39 > 0:04:43- Aye.- He's had to go into hospital, and I'm taking over for a week!
0:04:44 > 0:04:47- And?- Well, it's no' just any auld week, is it?
0:04:47 > 0:04:51It's the week aw the posh weans give the gifts to the lollipop man.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54Whisky and chocolates an' that! You know, for Christmas!
0:04:54 > 0:04:57And you're getting aw that, ya jammy bastard?
0:04:57 > 0:05:00Aye, well, I'm gonnae hauf it wi' Charlie.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03That saves the council sendin' in some stranger tae scoop the lot!
0:05:05 > 0:05:07- Is that it? - Aye. Is that no' enough for ye?
0:05:07 > 0:05:09Aye.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11Right. Well, I'll away an' play the puggy.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20Looks as if Isa's kept her mooth shut.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22It does, indeed.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24I think we're in the clear.
0:05:24 > 0:05:28BOABBY CLEARS HIS THROAT, NOTE PLAYS ON HARMONICA
0:05:28 > 0:05:30# La, la, la, la, la, la
0:05:30 > 0:05:31# La, la, la, la, la
0:05:31 > 0:05:34# La, la, la, la, la, la, la
0:05:34 > 0:05:37# Ya couple of auld po-o-o-o-o-ofters! #
0:05:39 > 0:05:43# Thumpetty thump thump Thumpetty thump thump
0:05:43 > 0:05:46# Over the hills of snow
0:05:46 > 0:05:51# Over the hills of snow! #
0:05:53 > 0:05:57- We're gonnie gie Parkmill a run for their money this year! - THEY CHEER
0:05:57 > 0:06:00Ah, listen up! I don't want to dishearten you guys,
0:06:00 > 0:06:03but that trophy we're after, it's by no means a done deal.
0:06:03 > 0:06:04- THEY ALL CHATTER - Sshht!
0:06:04 > 0:06:07Sshht! I've got a letter here.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10Tonight is the last night we can use this place for practice.
0:06:10 > 0:06:14Wait a minute, John. Surely we need more sessions before the competition!
0:06:14 > 0:06:16ALL: Aye!
0:06:16 > 0:06:20Ideally, yes, but no' here. They've discovered asbestos in the building.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22ALL: Whit?!
0:06:22 > 0:06:25They're saying January or February before we can get back in here.
0:06:25 > 0:06:29So it's singin' in the bath till then.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32- We've got nowhere else to go. - THEY ALL MURMUR
0:06:32 > 0:06:34- Naw.- How no'?
0:06:34 > 0:06:38Because it's manky! Naebody's been in that room for years!
0:06:38 > 0:06:41Come on. Gie's a look at it.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45DOOR CREAKS
0:06:48 > 0:06:51See? It's nae use.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53Ach, away and don't talk pish.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56- We'll get this place squared up in two minutes.- Aye.
0:06:56 > 0:07:01You're no' thinking straight, boy. 35 bodies, singin' their lungs oot.
0:07:01 > 0:07:02Mad thirsty.
0:07:02 > 0:07:07"35 drinks, please. Mmm. Oh, delicious.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09"We'll have 35 more, because remember,
0:07:09 > 0:07:12"we're mad thirsty because of aw the daft singin'."
0:07:12 > 0:07:15"Now we'll have... Oh, 35 bags of crisps.
0:07:15 > 0:07:19"Oh, that's us aw thirsty again. Will we stay for another?"
0:07:19 > 0:07:21"Oh, I should think so.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24"35 more drinks, please. And give us the change in pound coins
0:07:24 > 0:07:27"cos we're desperate for a go on your fruit machine!"
0:07:27 > 0:07:29I'll get youse a mop.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40Excuse me, sir?
0:07:40 > 0:07:41Yes, ma wee cherub?
0:07:41 > 0:07:43Where's Charlie?
0:07:43 > 0:07:45Oh, eh... Charlie's not well.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48- I'm helping out.- What's your name?
0:07:48 > 0:07:52Ma name is Mr Ingram. But you can call me Winston.
0:07:52 > 0:07:56- Could you give these to Charlie, Winston?- Oh! A luxury Christmas selection.
0:07:56 > 0:08:00I'll enjoy these. Er... I'll enjoy giving them to Charlie.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02Can you put them in my message bag, son?
0:08:05 > 0:08:08- Thank you.- Bye.- Bye-bye!
0:08:08 > 0:08:11HE LAUGHS The life o' a lollipop man.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13Ye cannae lick it!
0:08:13 > 0:08:16- Where's Charlie?- Message bag, son.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24- Ye working up a sweat, Jack? - Aye, I am, aye.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27- Ye thirsty, aye? - Aye, I am thirsty, aye.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30- Fancy a swig of this?- Oh!
0:08:30 > 0:08:32For Gods' sake! Don't show that tae Boabby.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35He'll put a heid on it and try and sell it to somebody.
0:08:37 > 0:08:41He's a dirty, manky, lazy bastard that Boabby, i'nt he, eh?
0:08:41 > 0:08:45Aw this mess in here for aw these years and he just shuts the door on it.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48I know. It's like a bloody time capsule.
0:08:48 > 0:08:52Oh, ya bastard! Look at that!
0:08:54 > 0:08:57God almighty! Is that a cat?
0:08:57 > 0:09:01Naw, it's too big for a cat.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04- Is it a fox?- Well, if it's a fox...
0:09:06 > 0:09:08it's name's Sparky.
0:09:11 > 0:09:15Didn't big Don Macmillan have a dug named Sparky?
0:09:15 > 0:09:17So he did, aye. And that was years ago.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19It went missin'.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22It must've come in here, fell asleep and died.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25Ach, that's a sin, he was really tore up about that.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28- He went doo-lally looking for it, sure.- He's still no' right.
0:09:28 > 0:09:32See if we see him? Let's no say, "Hey, Don! Good news, we found Sparky!"
0:09:32 > 0:09:35- HE LAUGHS - Right you are!
0:09:37 > 0:09:40Here, youse two. See when you're done pissin' aboot in 1987,
0:09:40 > 0:09:43come through to the present and see what's going on.
0:09:46 > 0:09:50Oh, right. Do all the boys in the choir wear marigolds, then(?)
0:09:52 > 0:09:55Holy moly, what is this?
0:09:55 > 0:09:57Las Vegas cash fountain.
0:09:57 > 0:10:02- Jackpot - £1,000. - You only get them in the clubs.
0:10:02 > 0:10:07That's right. Noo that I'm usin' that back room again, I AM a club.
0:10:07 > 0:10:11Oh, sweet Nancy!
0:10:11 > 0:10:14What treasure do you hide beneath your petticoat?
0:10:14 > 0:10:17How many drinks do I have to buy you before you drop your drawers?
0:10:19 > 0:10:22Look at your eyes. Aw sparkling and...
0:10:22 > 0:10:24fresh, new...
0:10:24 > 0:10:26unblemished...
0:10:26 > 0:10:28Oh, yes...
0:10:28 > 0:10:32You and I are gonnae get along...
0:10:32 > 0:10:34just fine.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36Behold. The puggy whisperer!
0:10:37 > 0:10:40Tam. That's ma bitch.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42And here's how it's gonnae work.
0:10:42 > 0:10:46Yes. By all means, you gentlemen can flirt with her.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48Treat her well. Flatter her.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51But when youse are aw away hame and I'm locking up,
0:10:51 > 0:10:53it will be ME that's pumping her.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56Do you think?
0:10:56 > 0:11:01- Well, why don't we let the lady decide?- Are we still talking aboot this fruit machine?
0:11:05 > 0:11:07An introduction.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09A sweet rose from an able suitor.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20HE HITS SWITCH, UPWARD GLISSANDO PLAYS
0:11:20 > 0:11:24DOWNWARD GLISSANDO PLAYS
0:11:24 > 0:11:26- Not even a hold! - Well, she's no a slapper, Tam.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29She's no gonnae gie ye yer hole on the first night!
0:11:32 > 0:11:35Oh! Oh, what have we now?
0:11:35 > 0:11:37Oh! A hamper!
0:11:37 > 0:11:39Full of Christmas goodies.
0:11:39 > 0:11:44Aw, look at that. Brandy butter, foie gras, pickled walnuts.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46Thank you very much, now!
0:11:47 > 0:11:49Thank YOU very much, now!
0:11:51 > 0:11:53Eh...can I help you?
0:11:53 > 0:11:57Aye, you can help me. You can piss off and stand outside MA school.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00Eh... Naw, I'm... I'm standing in for Charlie.
0:12:00 > 0:12:05Oh, are you? Qualified lollipop man, eh? With the land services?
0:12:05 > 0:12:07I am. Yes.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10Awright then, who's the division manager?
0:12:10 > 0:12:12Peter...
0:12:12 > 0:12:13Stevenson.
0:12:15 > 0:12:16Steve Peterson?
0:12:16 > 0:12:19Davie... John... Rab.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22- Rab Mac-something. - Close. Sanjay Prekumar.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24Listen, you.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27Every lollipop man in Glasgow wants Charlie's pitch.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29The Beverly Hills Pitch, we call it.
0:12:29 > 0:12:33So unless you're wanting grassed and for Charlie to lose his job,
0:12:33 > 0:12:36the morra morning, you get yourself down to Parkmill secondary,
0:12:36 > 0:12:38and I'LL be standing here.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41Excuse me?
0:12:42 > 0:12:47- Oh...- Oh! Mowit Shandin!
0:12:47 > 0:12:49I love a drop of Shandin!
0:12:52 > 0:12:55UPWARD GLISSANDO PLAYS
0:12:57 > 0:12:59DOWNWARD GLISSANDO PLAYS Oh, come on!
0:13:00 > 0:13:01That's it, Tam.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04Fatten up ma Christmas goose.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06Shut up!
0:13:06 > 0:13:08So, whit school is it yer at noo?
0:13:08 > 0:13:11- Parkmill Secondary.- Oh!
0:13:11 > 0:13:14I went to Parkmill Secondary. Nightmare.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17Even the janny carries a knife.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20Well, I've got tae stay there tae Charlie comes back.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23I've went fae Beverly Hills to Beirut in wan move!
0:13:24 > 0:13:26Hello, hello, hello!
0:13:26 > 0:13:28Beer? Crisps? Nuts?
0:13:28 > 0:13:31I've got the lot! Thanking you.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33Ladies, gentlemen, help yourselves.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37Hey, Boabby? What do you think? You happy?
0:13:38 > 0:13:41Deliriously so, Victor. You boys ready for a pint?
0:13:41 > 0:13:45- And are we paying for these pints? - Don't be silly.
0:13:48 > 0:13:52- So it's double grape...- Double grape...- ..plum...- ..plum...
0:13:52 > 0:13:56- ..bell...- ..bell...- ..strawberry... - ..strawberry...- ..bell...- ..bell...
0:13:56 > 0:13:58And the third wheel...
0:13:58 > 0:14:00- What's gaun on here?- Nothin'!
0:14:00 > 0:14:04Just a couple of fellas playing the fruit machine. Nothing to see here.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07- What's wi' the notepad, Eric?- Whit notepad?
0:14:07 > 0:14:10- The one you were scribblin' intae!- Sshht!
0:14:10 > 0:14:12Right, backroom. Now.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17Oh, you look like you could dae wae a haun', Boabby.
0:14:17 > 0:14:18Got a CV? Eh?
0:14:18 > 0:14:20Who's your previous employers?
0:14:20 > 0:14:24- My rates are two sweet sherries an hour!- You're hired.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27Right! Oot ma way! 'Scuse me, darlin'.
0:14:29 > 0:14:34- When's yer contest?- Friday. I think we've got a chance this year.- Aw, aye?
0:14:34 > 0:14:38- Youse are sounding good. So what do you win?- A cup.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41Beautiful it is, too. If we pick it up, it'll be going up on your gantry.
0:14:41 > 0:14:45- I'm sure I can make space!- Ye'll need to clear a space for the runners up.
0:14:45 > 0:14:50- Eh?- Tradition. The second place finishers always come to the winners' place for a drink.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52So if we win, this place'll be mobbed!
0:14:52 > 0:14:54Oh, Mammy-Daddy!
0:14:57 > 0:15:00Mebbe it was the song.
0:15:00 > 0:15:05- Sorry?- I think I've got that X-Factor your choir's missin'.
0:15:05 > 0:15:09# Fro-o-o-o-osty the snowman
0:15:09 > 0:15:13# He's a jolly happy soul... #
0:15:13 > 0:15:16- Thanks for everything, Boabby. - Aw, don't thank me,
0:15:16 > 0:15:20- it was Jack and Victor's idea.- Aye, they're good men, Jack and Victor.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22Oh, aye.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24I huv tae be be honest with ye...
0:15:24 > 0:15:27there was a lot of cynical faces in here when they joined your choir.
0:15:29 > 0:15:34But they're nice guys... Big hearts.
0:15:34 > 0:15:38If youse are plannin' tae screw Boabby oot that jackpot, we want a piece of it!
0:15:38 > 0:15:41Let's stick it to the bastard! We'll ruin his Christmas!
0:15:41 > 0:15:45Whoa! What's with the "we"? It's me and him. We've 40 quid in it already!
0:15:45 > 0:15:48We can weigh in! We'll put 40 quid in, call it a syndicate.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50Naw, naw. I mean, wi' all due respect, gentlemen,
0:15:50 > 0:15:52youse are hardly the Brains Trust, are ye?
0:15:52 > 0:15:56Do ye no' think the people that make these machines are a wee bit smarter
0:15:56 > 0:15:58than a couple of old duffers and a note pad?
0:15:58 > 0:16:01Naw. Whit we need is know-how, technical know-how.
0:16:01 > 0:16:06Aye. We need the ear of a man in the know.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08SIGN CREAKS IN THE WIND
0:16:11 > 0:16:13Are you the new lollipop man?
0:16:15 > 0:16:17I am, yes.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20CHILD LAUGHS EVILLY
0:16:28 > 0:16:31THEY ALL SCREAM
0:16:37 > 0:16:39Okey dokey.
0:16:41 > 0:16:45This is what I reckon the inside of this bastard looks like.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48Aw fruit machines are essentially the same.
0:16:48 > 0:16:53Collection chutes, either four or six chambers located here, depending on the model.
0:16:53 > 0:16:57I believe that oor target is of the six chamber variety.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00Mair complicated by the multi-chip motherboard,
0:17:00 > 0:17:05so the topple point is variable until the excess hopper kicks in.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07Can we huv that in English?
0:17:07 > 0:17:10Well, puggy machines have got a pay oot point.
0:17:10 > 0:17:15Generally running between 94 and 97% in the looser machines.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18- Thanks for cleaning that up(!)- Oi!
0:17:18 > 0:17:22- Let the man speak.- If we count every pound coin that goes in and comes oot,
0:17:22 > 0:17:27I can calculate exactly when it's going to pay oot the jackpot.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30How will we dae that? There's loads of people play that machine.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33We'd need to be there the whole time. Boabby'll tipple.
0:17:33 > 0:17:37Exactly. So, I suggest a relay team,
0:17:37 > 0:17:40workin' in shifts. Wae these.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42What are they?
0:17:42 > 0:17:44Well, five pound coins go in,
0:17:44 > 0:17:46five clicks on this yin.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48Two pound coins come oot,
0:17:48 > 0:17:50two clicks on this yin.
0:17:50 > 0:17:51Easy.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57THEY CHUCKLE WICKEDLY
0:18:00 > 0:18:01Cheers.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07There no' such a bad lot, ye know.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09I was thinking that as I was being assaulted,
0:18:09 > 0:18:12"These are good weans. Nice weans."
0:18:12 > 0:18:16- Bloody polis I should be phonin'.- I've had a word wi' them. They're sorry.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19Aye. So am I.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21It's Christmas, for God's sake.
0:18:21 > 0:18:25Yesterday I was countin' bottles of scotch ootside Willow Park Academy.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28Willow Park? Great school. Great kids.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31It's a bit different for them.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33- Aye, well.- Well, see that boy there?
0:18:33 > 0:18:37Mother and faither, baith junkies. Don't know the time o' day.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40And see him there? His faither's in jail for murder.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43See those kids at Willow Park? They have a great Christmas.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46See these kids?
0:18:46 > 0:18:47They don't know what Christmas is.
0:18:51 > 0:18:55Page...two, bar...50.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57OK, sshh, sshh! Right...
0:19:05 > 0:19:07# ...And a happy new year!
0:19:07 > 0:19:09# Good tidings we bring... #
0:19:11 > 0:19:15# We wish you a merry Christmas And a happy... #
0:19:54 > 0:19:56Whit's that?
0:19:56 > 0:20:00- Whit's whit?- That. In your paw.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03Oh, whit, this? Oh, nothing.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06It's a counter. I'm counting, eh...
0:20:06 > 0:20:09- I'm counting pies.- Pies?
0:20:09 > 0:20:11Aye. I've often wondered to maself,
0:20:11 > 0:20:15"Ooh, pies! I wonder how many pies Boabby gets delivered in the morning?
0:20:15 > 0:20:17"Is it 20? 40?"
0:20:17 > 0:20:19You must think I'M a pie.
0:20:20 > 0:20:24- Naw! No' really.- I've been watching you. And Eric. And Shug.
0:20:24 > 0:20:28You're usin that wee doodad to count what's going in that machine.
0:20:28 > 0:20:32You think you've some sort of chance of scooping ma jackpot, din't ye?
0:20:32 > 0:20:34Oh, no, no, no. It's no' like that, Boabby.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36Hand it over.
0:20:36 > 0:20:37OK.
0:20:40 > 0:20:44And I'll tell ye another thing. You're lucky I'm no' barring you.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47ALARM RINGS ON PUGGY Aye, no' bad. Three quid.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49- See ye Wednesday, Boabby.- Aye.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51CLICKING
0:20:57 > 0:20:59What we waiting on, mister?
0:20:59 > 0:21:01Never you mind. Just you stand there.
0:21:04 > 0:21:08- Listen, thanks very much for this, Navid.- Nae problem.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11- Bit of a shitehole this, eh?- Ah! At-at-at!
0:21:11 > 0:21:12Thank you.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20Right, let's be havin' ye.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24- Merry Christmas.- Thank you.
0:21:24 > 0:21:25- Merry Christmas.- Ta.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27- Merry Christmas.- Cheers.
0:21:27 > 0:21:28- Merry Christmas.- Thanks.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31I know what's gonnae happen.
0:21:31 > 0:21:32What?
0:21:32 > 0:21:35One of that choir's gonnae win the jackpot.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37They're the wans that put the maist money in it.
0:21:37 > 0:21:42- Aye, right enough. - We're just gonnae have to gi'e up.
0:21:42 > 0:21:46That's Boabby got the clickers noo, so there's nae real way of knowing, is there?
0:21:46 > 0:21:48Gonnae pipe doon, the lot of ye?
0:21:48 > 0:21:51What was the figure on the money in clicker when Boabby took it?
0:21:51 > 0:21:55- Eh... 89 somethin'. - That's close enough.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57And the money oot clicker?
0:21:57 > 0:21:58That's easy. 64.
0:21:58 > 0:22:0264! Oh, it's a tight machine! Tight machine!
0:22:02 > 0:22:0472 hours since we started.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06Divide that by... Gives you...
0:22:06 > 0:22:0922 quid. Say that's 6%...
0:22:09 > 0:22:10What time is it noo?
0:22:10 > 0:22:14- Hauf twelve.- Hauf twelve... Pub opens at 11 o'clock,
0:22:14 > 0:22:20average coin in starts at 12 an hour, gaun up to 15 by tea-time...
0:22:20 > 0:22:22Ah... Bingo!
0:22:22 > 0:22:25Gi'es you the magic number.
0:22:25 > 0:22:281,300... 1,390.
0:22:29 > 0:22:33Well, when the machine's taken that in, it'll spit the jackpot oot.
0:22:33 > 0:22:38And if I'm right, and I'm rarely wrang, that's gonnae happen...
0:22:38 > 0:22:42this very night. Between 6 and 6.30.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46Oh, that's perfect! That's when the choir's aw in the back.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49Aye, this is oor last chance at a rehearsal before the big contest!
0:22:49 > 0:22:54Right. What we've got tae dae is position ourselves roon' that machine for that half hoor.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57Form a human shield roond it, sae naebody else can get near it, eh?
0:22:57 > 0:22:59Right. 10 quid each.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02- Wh-Wh-Whit fur?- The final kitty.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05We'll huv tae put some of wur ain money in for the last lap.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09Ta.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12That's fantastic, Shug. Here, you should go to the casino.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14Oh, no, no thanks.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17See if they catch you card counting? There's nae arsing aboot.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22CHOIR SINGS
0:23:43 > 0:23:45- I'm gaun in.- Good luck.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48- God speed.- Right...
0:23:48 > 0:23:51# Glory God
0:23:51 > 0:23:54# His righteousness
0:23:54 > 0:23:59# And wonders of His love And wonders of His love
0:23:59 > 0:24:05# And wonders And wonders of His love. #
0:24:06 > 0:24:08Fabulous.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11I'm sure you're all agreed we're all roasting. Ready for a drink?
0:24:11 > 0:24:15- THEY MURMUR IN AGREEMENT - Oh, absolutely, aye! Keep them here. Go, go, go.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18Just give it a couple of minutes before we go through, folks.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21There's been a wee spillage. Boabby's just cleaning up.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24- ALL: Aw!- I know. Just a couple of minutes, OK?
0:24:25 > 0:24:29- Whit's happenin'?- Still nothin'! - How much money have ye got left?
0:24:29 > 0:24:31Eh... Eight quid.
0:24:31 > 0:24:35- How long's that gonnae last?- No' long! Has anybody got any mair money?
0:24:35 > 0:24:37- Want a tenner?- Aye.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41- They're comin' out! - Naw, naw, they cannae come oot!
0:24:41 > 0:24:43Keep them in there!
0:24:43 > 0:24:46Whit's goin' on? Are we gettin' a drink or whit?
0:24:46 > 0:24:48Eh...
0:24:48 > 0:24:50Well, the thing is, em...
0:24:50 > 0:24:52Well, we were thinkin'...
0:24:53 > 0:24:56The competition's tomorrow.
0:24:56 > 0:25:00And it's been great havin' you here at the Clansman,
0:25:00 > 0:25:02and, er...do you no' think...
0:25:02 > 0:25:05we should just sing the song one more time?
0:25:05 > 0:25:09No. We're as good as we're gonnae get. C'mon, it's roasting in here!
0:25:09 > 0:25:12I still think it's a bit...shit.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14- Eh?- The song.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16It's still a bit shit, innit? Eh...I mean...
0:25:16 > 0:25:19- Wan mair go wouldnae kill us, would it?
0:25:19 > 0:25:21It's sweltering in here. Let us out for a pint!
0:25:21 > 0:25:24- Eh... There's a cold air thing.- So there is! - Aye, I'll switch that on.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28- Boabby!- Haud yer horses!
0:25:32 > 0:25:35- Yes?- Could ye gie us change for the puggy?
0:25:45 > 0:25:46Naw.
0:25:52 > 0:25:53How much have you got left?
0:25:58 > 0:25:59A pound.
0:26:01 > 0:26:02Nothin'.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05Has anyone got change o' a tenner?
0:26:05 > 0:26:08LOUD EXPLOSION, CREAKING
0:26:09 > 0:26:12GROANING
0:26:22 > 0:26:25COUGHING
0:26:27 > 0:26:29Is that everybody oot, Boabby?
0:26:29 > 0:26:33Aye, I think so. Just gi'e it a few minutes tae settle.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40Hello?
0:26:40 > 0:26:43Anybody there?
0:26:43 > 0:26:46Hullo-o-o!
0:26:50 > 0:26:53ALARM, FANFARE PLAYS
0:26:53 > 0:26:54Jackpot!
0:27:02 > 0:27:04Oh, Jeez!
0:27:05 > 0:27:10That's Donald and Ricky oot the game an' aw. That's 26 call-offs.
0:27:10 > 0:27:14- Voices shot tae hell wi' the dust. - How's your voice doing, David?
0:27:14 > 0:27:17- CROAKY:- It's no' bad. I should be OK.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19Just away hame, Davie.
0:27:19 > 0:27:23Same for all of youse. It's finished. We'll try again next year. It's humped.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25Ah, now...
0:27:25 > 0:27:27Not necessarily.
0:27:27 > 0:27:29One, two, three, four.
0:27:29 > 0:27:33# Lollipop lollipop Ooh lolly lolly lolly
0:27:33 > 0:27:37# Lollipop lollipop Ooh lolly lolly lolly
0:27:37 > 0:27:40# Lollipop lollipop Ooh lolly lolly lolly
0:27:40 > 0:27:42# Lollipop lollipop!
0:27:42 > 0:27:44# Ba-bum bum bum
0:27:44 > 0:27:46# Call my baby lollipop
0:27:46 > 0:27:47# Tell you why
0:27:47 > 0:27:51# Her kiss is sweeter Than an apple pie
0:27:51 > 0:27:55# And when she does Her shaky rockin' dance
0:27:55 > 0:27:57# Man, I haven't got a chance
0:27:57 > 0:27:58# I call her
0:27:58 > 0:28:02# Lollipop lollipop Ooh lolly lolly lolly
0:28:02 > 0:28:06# Lollipop lollipop Ooh lolly lolly lolly
0:28:06 > 0:28:09# Lollipop lollipop Ooh lolly lolly lolly
0:28:09 > 0:28:11# Lollipop lollipop!
0:28:11 > 0:28:13# Ba-bum bum bum
0:28:13 > 0:28:17# Sweeter than candy on a stick
0:28:17 > 0:28:19# Huckleberry cherry or lime... #
0:28:19 > 0:28:21APPLAUSE
0:28:22 > 0:28:26- Can I get five pound coins for the fruit machine please, Boabby?- Nae bother.
0:28:37 > 0:28:39So. For the Easter recital,
0:28:39 > 0:28:42you'll get two key numbers and you'll be the lead on five more.
0:28:42 > 0:28:45And you'll be front and centre the whole time. How's that?
0:28:45 > 0:28:47Great!