0:00:44 > 0:00:47Aw, Jesus, look at the mess!
0:00:47 > 0:00:53- Morning, Navid.- Pete! I'll give you morning, ye arsehole! Look at this!
0:00:53 > 0:00:57- It wisnae me.- Shut up! If you were hungry you could have come to me
0:00:57 > 0:00:59and said, "Navid, I am hungry."
0:00:59 > 0:01:04I could have given you something to eat, like potato peelings.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06Navid, I didnae dae this!
0:01:06 > 0:01:12More lies. Pete, why don't you, if you'll pardon the pun, come clean?
0:01:12 > 0:01:16- You're a smelly beggar and you like eating fae bins.- It was a fox.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19A fox? Describe this fox.
0:01:19 > 0:01:24Er, red, bushy tail. Wee mad snout.
0:01:24 > 0:01:28I see. Let me try and imagine the scene.
0:01:28 > 0:01:33You are lying here on your arse when this fox gets into ma garbage.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36Then the fox finds two old bananas.
0:01:36 > 0:01:42He hungrily wolfs one down. Spots you, Pete the jakie, and feels compassion
0:01:42 > 0:01:48because he's a kind-hearted fox. So he then gives you the other banana.
0:01:51 > 0:01:55Leave it, Pete, the banana's humped ye.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07Ohh!
0:02:07 > 0:02:10I love a Sunday morning.
0:02:10 > 0:02:15- Gies ye a chance to power down and look back on the week's toil.- Aye.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17What toil?
0:02:17 > 0:02:22Going for your pension and that and all that entails, you know, etc.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25Aye. Ye must be knackered.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28Sit doon and I'll bring this through for ye.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31Aw, ye know what I'm talking aboot.
0:02:31 > 0:02:36- Sunday's a day aff, isn't it? - Ye wanting a tomato in?
0:02:36 > 0:02:40- Ooh, what size is it? - It's a Lanark. Come on!
0:02:40 > 0:02:45- Mm, I doubt if I could eat a whole one.- Half each?- Aye, half each.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49Here - you seen this?
0:02:49 > 0:02:51No.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54"Craiglang Community Centre".
0:02:54 > 0:02:57They're having their "grand opening".
0:02:57 > 0:03:02- What do you think a "grand opening" is?- Grand opening?
0:03:02 > 0:03:06- I don't know. Queen and that. - Naw, that would be a royal opening.
0:03:06 > 0:03:11- It'll be somebody from the council. - Naw, that'd be an official opening.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14Hmmm... Grand...
0:03:14 > 0:03:17Grand opening...
0:03:17 > 0:03:20It'll be some arsehole off Take The High Road.
0:03:20 > 0:03:24Or some daft, stupid weather lassie.
0:03:24 > 0:03:28Do you remember we went to that supermarket...
0:03:28 > 0:03:33and they had that what's-his-face guy. What was he called again?
0:03:33 > 0:03:39- Oh, aye.- The big fat bastard.- Him off that cookery programme. Stands next tae that stupid cow?- Aye.
0:03:39 > 0:03:44Honking of drink at nine o'clock in the morning, cutting the ribbon.
0:03:44 > 0:03:49That's right - big balloon! Snip, snip, cheque please! Thank you!
0:03:49 > 0:03:54Pub. Glug glug glug glug glug glug. What a tit!
0:03:54 > 0:03:56Well, here we are.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12Not too much.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17Mm, well, this looks nice.
0:04:23 > 0:04:27You see, I cannae eat much in the morning.
0:04:27 > 0:04:31I'm the same. I've got the appetite of a sparrow.
0:04:31 > 0:04:35- Little and often. That's the key. - Mm-hm. Ach, well. Bon appetit.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38Enjoy. BURR-RRP!
0:04:50 > 0:04:53A quality bit of bunting there, Bobby.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56- Nice, innit?- How much would you pay for that?- Nothing.
0:04:56 > 0:05:01- Free buntin'?! Where did ye get it? - Brian Dexter's car showroom.
0:05:01 > 0:05:07- Is he no' in the jail for drugs? Aye, he got ten years. - Aye, so I took his buntin'.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12- What? - Ooh, stealing a gangster's buntin'.
0:05:12 > 0:05:16- Gie's peace!- He might come back for it.- Do ye think?
0:05:16 > 0:05:20OK, Tam. I'm Brian Dexter and I'm in my wee jail cell.
0:05:20 > 0:05:24"What's happening in ma showroom? Is ma wife getting pumped?
0:05:24 > 0:05:30"Never mind that. Who's got my buntin'? Where's my buntin'?" Rattling his bars,
0:05:30 > 0:05:34screaming for the whole jail tae hear - "Where's ma buntin'?!"
0:05:34 > 0:05:37Ye daft auld prick!
0:05:40 > 0:05:43Where's the barman, Jack?
0:05:43 > 0:05:48I dunno. I can see a big daft lassie up a ladder, but.
0:05:48 > 0:05:53Aye. We can see right up your skirt, Bobby! See your frilly panties.
0:05:53 > 0:06:00When you're finished fannying aboot with that buntin', Roberta, can ye give us a couple of pints?
0:06:02 > 0:06:05What's a' that in aid of, Bobby?
0:06:05 > 0:06:11- He's nicked Brian Dexter's buntin'. - Oooh!- No' you as well! It's for the community centre opening.
0:06:11 > 0:06:19- What's that tae dae wi' you? - There'll be dignitaries aboot. THIRSTY dignitaries. Passin' trade!
0:06:19 > 0:06:25- If they've any brains, that's what they'll dae - pass. - Passin' trade. You'll be lucky!
0:06:25 > 0:06:31I'LL worry about ma business and YOUSE two worry about whether ye'll make it through another winter.
0:06:31 > 0:06:37When are you gonnae realise, Bobby, that this place is a shithole?
0:06:37 > 0:06:39- Accept it.- Come to terms with it.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42Try and deal with it. It's a coup!
0:06:42 > 0:06:46And no amount of shitty buntin's going to change that.
0:06:52 > 0:06:57- Oh, smashing! Two flat lagers. - Fit for a dignitary.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03You're clean. Beat it.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06Wee wide-o. Keep your eyes on him, Meena. He's at the rob.
0:07:09 > 0:07:10What?
0:07:13 > 0:07:20I'm giein' it laldy to Pete, and you sit there like a windae-licker! When were you going to tell me?
0:07:20 > 0:07:22Why?
0:07:28 > 0:07:31I knew you weren't sleeping, you cow.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38Pete! Wait! I want to apologise!
0:07:42 > 0:07:46That was delicious. Another two pints of your flat lager, please.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49- Hello, you two!- Jesus! Isa.
0:07:49 > 0:07:54- You wantin' a drink?- No. I'm no' stopping. I popped in to tell ye...
0:07:54 > 0:07:58Aye. Aye, a sweet sherry. Wait till ye see Pete.
0:07:58 > 0:08:02- The jakie?- Ye'll no' call him that when ye see him.- How?
0:08:02 > 0:08:07He's headed in here. Ye'll see for yersel'. I'm saying nothing!
0:08:07 > 0:08:12- Are you all right, Isa? - Aye. How?- You saying nothing! Let me take your pulse.- Get aff!
0:08:19 > 0:08:20Charlie.
0:08:20 > 0:08:24Hen. Isa. Jimmy.
0:08:25 > 0:08:30- Glass of Thunderbird, Bobby.- You can't judge an alky by his cover.
0:08:31 > 0:08:35Do you, er...want that in a Martini glass?
0:08:35 > 0:08:37Get it up ye!
0:08:44 > 0:08:47Naw, naw, naw. That'll no dae at a'.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51C'mere, you.
0:08:52 > 0:08:56- Have ye won the lotto?- Going tae a funeral?- Or the court?
0:08:56 > 0:09:00Are you Pete's rich twin? ALL SPEAK AT ONCE
0:09:04 > 0:09:08Community centre. Opening tomorrow. ALL: Mmm.
0:09:08 > 0:09:12Council bigwigs'll be there. ALL: Mmm.
0:09:12 > 0:09:18What with me having been wi' internal operations, I've been called in to protect them.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21MUTTERING
0:09:21 > 0:09:24Look, I'm tellin' youse!
0:09:24 > 0:09:28Don't talk shite. Internal operations? Who are you? 007?
0:09:28 > 0:09:32Aye - licensed tae get pished!
0:09:32 > 0:09:37- HUMS JAMES BOND THEME - The name's Bastard. Alky Bastard.
0:09:37 > 0:09:42Martini. Shaken, not stirred. Seven of them. And a kebab.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47So there's me bawlin' at Pete - "Bloody bin raker!"
0:09:47 > 0:09:53- then she tells me it was a fox. If you see him, tell him I'm looking for him.- Will do. OK.
0:09:53 > 0:09:57A fox, eh? Tough one. See if it was a rat, now,
0:09:57 > 0:10:03you just set a trap for it, or poison it. End of problem. But a fox! How do you catch a fox?
0:10:03 > 0:10:06- By becoming one.- Eh? ..Shug.
0:10:06 > 0:10:11The fox appears tae be a filthy bastard wi' stinking fur.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14Thriving on rubbish.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17Giving little in return.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19But he's smart. Wily.
0:10:19 > 0:10:23He's no' dirty. He's clean. Groomed.
0:10:23 > 0:10:27Aye, there's more to Mr Fox than meets the eye.
0:10:27 > 0:10:31He wants what you've got. When does he want it? Night time.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34You have to outsmart him.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36Be trickier than him.
0:10:38 > 0:10:42See him in the very darkness he hides in.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45Get under his skin.
0:10:45 > 0:10:46Become him.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51Pack of Yoyos, Navid.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59What de ye make of that bugger Pete?
0:10:59 > 0:11:02Bet he found that suit in a bin.
0:11:02 > 0:11:03Internal operations.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06Imagine Pete protectin' anybody.
0:11:08 > 0:11:12You're awfy quiet, Bobby. What are you sayin' tae it?
0:11:12 > 0:11:16- I don't know.- Don't know what? - Maybe he wis tellin' the truth.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19- Whit? Get a haud of yerself. - No. Listen.
0:11:22 > 0:11:27I've never spoke aboot this before. It's gonnae sound stupid, but...
0:11:27 > 0:11:32There was one night in here. Must have been - oh, 20 year ago...
0:11:32 > 0:11:36MUSIC: "Gold" by Spandau Ballet
0:11:36 > 0:11:41- De we have tae huv that again? Turn that shite aff! - Shut up. I like it.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45TURNS MUSIC UP
0:11:48 > 0:11:51'It wis quiet. Just a couple of punters in.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53'A few boys at the pool table.
0:11:53 > 0:11:57'Pete was in. Just sittin' like he always does, reading' his paper.
0:11:57 > 0:12:04'Next thing I know, a rammy starts up. Fightin', shoutin' and bawlin'.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07'Here's the thing.
0:12:07 > 0:12:11'By the time I get round the bar, two boys are lying decked out,
0:12:11 > 0:12:13'and Pete's haudin' a third boy, who's sleeping like a baby.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16'I says, "Whit's happened here?"
0:12:16 > 0:12:18'"Nuthin," he says.'
0:12:26 > 0:12:29What are ye sayin? That he set aboot them all?
0:12:29 > 0:12:33It'd be the smell off him that knocked them oot.
0:12:33 > 0:12:37Tam? Eric? You buyin' this?
0:12:37 > 0:12:41- It's an odd story, right enough, Jack.- Victor?
0:12:42 > 0:12:46It's a lot of shite. We'll get tae the bottom of it. Come on.
0:12:51 > 0:12:57- What is it we're doing?- Well, we've got to find Pete and find out what he's talking aboot.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00I suspect it'll be a lot of pish.
0:13:00 > 0:13:06Mind you, that was a curious tale. How could Pete lay out three men single-handedly?
0:13:06 > 0:13:12Maybe they've tried to take his drink off him and he's turned into the Hulk!
0:13:12 > 0:13:15Waagh! Troosers all burst - "Give me back my pint!"
0:13:15 > 0:13:22Where are youse two off to in a hurry? Is Navid selling incontinence pads at hauf price?
0:13:22 > 0:13:24Very funny. Where are you going?
0:13:24 > 0:13:29It's a big story. Navid's being plagued by a fox.
0:13:29 > 0:13:33It's tearing away at his garbage and spreading its filth everywhere.
0:13:33 > 0:13:38It's got to be stopped. I'm going up to Shug's. He's got some equipment.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41We're going to hunt it doon. Exciting, eh?
0:13:41 > 0:13:44- Exciting, aye. - What are youse doing?
0:13:44 > 0:13:49A certain somebody known to you... and us...
0:13:49 > 0:13:50a man...
0:13:50 > 0:13:55- may or may not be a covert agent for the Government.- Eh?
0:13:55 > 0:14:01We're placing him under oor surveillance to ascertain if he's telling the truth.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05- That's really sad, that.- What is?
0:14:05 > 0:14:11You won't admit you've got nothing to dae. I'm doing something really interesting but you won't have it.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14You're trying to top it with spy pish!
0:14:14 > 0:14:15Whit?
0:14:15 > 0:14:21If you're going to pull on woolly slippers to slurp tea while watching Fifteen To One,
0:14:21 > 0:14:23be men enough to admit it.
0:14:23 > 0:14:27Don't lie to me. Excuse me - I've got a fox to catch.
0:14:27 > 0:14:32- Winston, we're telling you!- OK. I'll play along with your wee game.
0:14:32 > 0:14:36Who is your international man of mystery?
0:14:36 > 0:14:37Pete the jakie.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39Nope!
0:14:45 > 0:14:48THEME FROM "The Pink Panther"
0:15:28 > 0:15:33- God's sake. What are we doing?- Eh? - Following a tramp aboot the toon?
0:15:33 > 0:15:35Desperate, isn't it?
0:15:35 > 0:15:40Is that all we've got to do with our time - fill it up with this?
0:15:40 > 0:15:43Dreamin' up secret agent shite?
0:15:43 > 0:15:46We must be aff our nuts, eh?
0:15:46 > 0:15:49- Come on. We'll jump back on the bus. - Aye.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52- Oh! Wait a minute, Jack.- What?
0:15:52 > 0:16:00- Look! He's headin' intae that big fancy hotel!- So he is.- Come on!- Aye!
0:16:17 > 0:16:20- Oh!- See that?- Aye!
0:16:33 > 0:16:34Navid.
0:16:34 > 0:16:39- Gentlemen. Right on time. Are we equipped?- We are.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41Come on, then.
0:16:45 > 0:16:49- What have you got for me? - Right, Navid...
0:16:49 > 0:16:51Eh...
0:16:51 > 0:16:53we've got scraps.
0:16:53 > 0:16:58- To attract him. Chicken, pork and fat.- Bait. Nice.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01Then...we've got...
0:17:01 > 0:17:07A stinger. 240 volts. Should render him immobile for about a minute.
0:17:07 > 0:17:11Giving us time to batter him with a brick.
0:17:11 > 0:17:15No! Giving us time to slip him in this bag.
0:17:15 > 0:17:19- Throw him in the canal? - No, release him in the countryside.
0:17:19 > 0:17:24- Countryside.- Guid yin. Humane. How are we gonnae see him? It's pitch black.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26We'll see him, all right.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29Wi' these.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31Night goggles. Quality!
0:17:33 > 0:17:35Winston. Put the lights out.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43Ho-ho! These are the bollocks!
0:17:43 > 0:17:46Brilliant, eh Winston? Winston?
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Hey you, ya cheeky bastard!
0:17:59 > 0:18:02- Nae butter on these? - I've no' got any.
0:18:02 > 0:18:07- There's Branston pickle there, if you want it.- That'll dae.
0:18:08 > 0:18:14- Here, what do you think we saw today?- Oh, I don't know, Jack. We saw something, though.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17The thing is, he couldnae have always been an alky.
0:18:17 > 0:18:23- He must have done something before he hit the sauce. - What do we actually know about him?
0:18:23 > 0:18:26I cannae remember him ever working.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28No, neither can I.
0:18:28 > 0:18:33Maybe he's no' an alky at all - maybe he's leading a double life.
0:18:33 > 0:18:37It'll be a turn-up for the books if he IS leading a double life.
0:18:37 > 0:18:42Aye - after ripping the pish out o' him. What was it you said? "Licence to get pished."
0:18:42 > 0:18:47- Och, that was hee-haw. It's you he'll be pissed off wi'.- How?
0:18:47 > 0:18:49You called him an alky bastard.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52Do you think he will be pissed off?
0:18:52 > 0:18:55I don't know. We went in pretty heavy on him.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58Think he's gonnae rub us oot(?)
0:18:58 > 0:18:59Eh?
0:18:59 > 0:19:03Aye, kill us government-style, you know?
0:19:03 > 0:19:06There you are, on your way to the Post Office.
0:19:06 > 0:19:10In the queue - "Hello, Tam. Hello, Winston. Hello, Eric."
0:19:10 > 0:19:13A face you don't recognise. Next thing...
0:19:13 > 0:19:17Urgh! Stabbed with the poisoned end of a brolly. Assassinated!
0:19:18 > 0:19:23Or you're sitting in the park, feeding the ducks, an old dear sits down next to you.
0:19:23 > 0:19:27"Hello." But she's got stubbly legs.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29Next thing, she's garotting you!
0:19:31 > 0:19:33He wouldnae assassinate me, but.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36- I'd see him coming.- Oh, aye?- Aye!
0:19:36 > 0:19:42I'd chop away the brolly, grab him, birl him round and do that thing they dae in the pictures -
0:19:42 > 0:19:46Urgh...krk! - snap his neck. "There ye are, ye bastard!"
0:19:46 > 0:19:49- I cannae get that open.- Give me it.
0:19:49 > 0:19:53I'd pull his jaikit over his heid, pin his airms to his body!
0:19:53 > 0:19:59I'd get the palm of my haun', smash it off his nose, kill him deid.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01I cannae get that either.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04Do you want to just eat these dry?
0:20:07 > 0:20:09Another pint over here, Bobby, please.
0:20:10 > 0:20:14- Is that the finishing touches for the morra?- Aye.
0:20:14 > 0:20:18..Did ye steal that fae Brian Dexter's showroom tae?
0:20:18 > 0:20:22Aye... I had tae cut a bit aff it, but.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28Bobby...
0:20:28 > 0:20:33You might be right about Pete. We followed him intae the toun and he wis acting right suspicious.
0:20:33 > 0:20:39- We saw him hookin' up wi' a couple of suits. There's definitely something gaun on.- I telt youse.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41Internal operations... >
0:20:41 > 0:20:42..Pete?!
0:20:42 > 0:20:44< Bobby...
0:20:44 > 0:20:46Glass of Thunderbird?
0:20:46 > 0:20:49Eh... No, water - I'm workin' the morra.
0:20:49 > 0:20:53LAUGHTER That's right - snigger. Have a laugh.
0:20:53 > 0:20:58Too much tae swallow that a smelly alky could have responsibilities?
0:20:58 > 0:21:02Who'd want anythin' tae dae wi' me, eh? What good am I to anybody?
0:21:02 > 0:21:04That's all right. You wait till the morra.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06See who's sniggerin' then.
0:21:07 > 0:21:12Oh, and by the way, your mission, should you choose to accept it -
0:21:12 > 0:21:15sniff my manky ring!
0:21:18 > 0:21:21No, I'll pass, if you don't mind.
0:21:24 > 0:21:28- I'm bored oot ma tits, here.- Shh! We've only been here hauf an hour.
0:21:28 > 0:21:33So it's been 29 minutes since the novelty of these goggles wore aff?
0:21:33 > 0:21:34What are you talkin' aboot?
0:21:34 > 0:21:38I thought I wis going tae see Craiglang At Night -
0:21:38 > 0:21:44break-ins, kids daein' graffiti, neds shaggin' in the park, knifings.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46Instead, what huv we seen?
0:21:46 > 0:21:49A dug takin' a dump. Rubbish.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51Everything OK at the community centre?
0:21:51 > 0:21:53- Everything OK at the community centre?- (Polis!)
0:21:53 > 0:21:57- Aye. Things should go off all right tomorrow. - Good.
0:21:57 > 0:22:02- I've got tae take a pish.- Aye, me an a'. Ma back teeth are swimming.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04We say we're looking for a fox.
0:22:04 > 0:22:08We're wearing night-vision goggles - we look like assassins!
0:22:08 > 0:22:13I borrowed these fae the Terries without tellin'! I'll get lifted!
0:22:15 > 0:22:17THEY URINATE
0:22:17 > 0:22:21Naw! This is too much for any man to take!
0:22:21 > 0:22:26You pished all over my tank top! It's wringin', ya filthy bastard!
0:22:34 > 0:22:38- Oh, I'll need to nick into Navid's for some tobacco.- Righto.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44- Shut.- That's odd - he's normally open by noo.
0:22:44 > 0:22:48Probably still in his bed, the big balloon.
0:22:49 > 0:22:54- You know, they're throwing 30 grand at this community centre.- Are they?
0:22:54 > 0:22:59That's like pissin' in the wind round here - the council build it up and the neds pan it in.
0:22:59 > 0:23:04- What's in it, anyway?- A ping pong table, I think.- Is that it?- Aye.
0:23:04 > 0:23:08- Jesus! Disneyworld. - Isneyworld, mair like...
0:23:21 > 0:23:23It gives me great pleasure
0:23:23 > 0:23:26- to be here today.- Naw, it doesnae.
0:23:26 > 0:23:33With great admiration, I've watched the community of Craiglang grow and flourish...
0:23:33 > 0:23:35Naw, ye huvnae.
0:23:35 > 0:23:41- My father grew up here and always had the greatest respect for his home...- Naw, he didnae.
0:23:42 > 0:23:46- I only wish he was here to see this.- Naw, ye don't.
0:23:46 > 0:23:54I'm sure he would join me in congratulating Craiglang today as we open this wonderful facility,
0:23:54 > 0:24:01for this building is a magnificent addition to a caring, thriving, forward-thinking community.
0:24:01 > 0:24:02Naw, it isnae.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12Oh... There's Pete!
0:24:12 > 0:24:17- Where?- There! By the councillor! - Jesus, he wis right enough!
0:24:17 > 0:24:18Pete!
0:24:47 > 0:24:50ALL SHOUT
0:24:50 > 0:24:54- He's wan of yer ain! - Take your bloody hauns aff him!
0:24:54 > 0:24:57Get your hauns aff him! ..Get off me!
0:25:03 > 0:25:05Are you all right?
0:25:07 > 0:25:11- Four bloody hours.- We should punch your hole in, ye bastard.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14Tellin' lies about workin' for the polis...
0:25:14 > 0:25:19- Protectin' the councillor. - Sorry.- Why did ye dae it, Pete?
0:25:21 > 0:25:23- Shut up, ya wee dick.- Beat it!
0:25:25 > 0:25:29We saw you getting intae a lift wi' two heavies.
0:25:29 > 0:25:33Aye. Well, I stood beside them so you'd think I wis wi' them.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35You werenae wi' them?
0:25:36 > 0:25:38You havnae got 20p for a cup of tea?
0:25:43 > 0:25:44Naw...
0:25:44 > 0:25:47- So that was a' shite? - Sorry.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54- You're reekin' of pish. - No, that's me.- Eh?
0:25:54 > 0:25:58- A cop pished on my tank top. - What?- Never mind.
0:25:59 > 0:26:03Why did ye tell a' thae lies, Pete?
0:26:03 > 0:26:06I'll tell ye why. Have you any idea what it's like to be me?
0:26:06 > 0:26:09Pete the jakie? Pete the tramp?
0:26:09 > 0:26:12Smelly Pete? ..Eh?
0:26:12 > 0:26:17Craiglang - it's a shitehole. And I'm the shiteiest thing in it.
0:26:17 > 0:26:21That's how people think about me and I'm sick of it.
0:26:21 > 0:26:26So I made up those lies - that I was important, that I was somebody.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28Big deal. So what?
0:26:28 > 0:26:31Noo ye know - I'm a naebody.
0:26:33 > 0:26:38- Bollocks!- Aye, bollocks.- Sat in a cell for 4 hours - ma arse is numb!
0:26:38 > 0:26:42We've just done time for you, ya arsehole! Easy, easy.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45Calm doon. You'll get us lifted again!
0:26:45 > 0:26:48Jack. Victor. You're being a bit harsh.
0:26:48 > 0:26:53We are all just out the jail. Emotions are running a bit high. We're all a bit raw.
0:26:53 > 0:26:57So he told a lie and it got a bit out of hand. We all tell lies.
0:26:57 > 0:27:01We shouldn't be singling him out because of what he is.
0:27:01 > 0:27:04Let's get a drink and have a laugh about it. We could dae wi' one.
0:27:04 > 0:27:07- Aye, I'll take a half.- A wee pint.
0:27:16 > 0:27:20- How did a polis come tae pish oan yer tank top?- We were fox hunting.
0:27:21 > 0:27:26That's another thing. There wisnae any fox - I raked through your bins.
0:27:26 > 0:27:32You dirty, smelly, useless bin-rakin' bastard - I'm going to rip yer jaw!
0:27:41 > 0:27:45It's good tae have ye out, Brian. It's guid tae BE out.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48So, what's been happening?
0:27:48 > 0:27:55Oh, your business is doon the tubes, Bobby nicked yer buntin', Davie Taylor's shaggin' yer missus.
0:27:56 > 0:27:58Back up a bit...
0:27:58 > 0:28:00Who's got ma buntin'?
0:28:22 > 0:28:25Subtitles by BBC Broadcast - 2003
0:28:25 > 0:28:28E-mail us at subtitling@bbc.co.uk
0:28:30 > 0:28:34Hello? Yes, sir. ..No, thank YOU, sir.
0:28:35 > 0:28:38Oh, they still think I'm a tramp.
0:28:38 > 0:28:40Really? Where would that be, sir?
0:28:40 > 0:28:43Eh? ..Thursday, midnight?
0:28:43 > 0:28:48Eh, I'll need a chopper... and, eh...six cans?