0:00:05 > 0:00:08- Aye, Toronto.- Aye, Toronto.
0:00:08 > 0:00:10Jeez-o.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51- Oh, my God.- What is it, honey?
0:00:51 > 0:00:53It's my dad.
0:00:53 > 0:00:57Oh, my God, look at him. He's got so old.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02- Ah-ha-ha!- Ha-ha!
0:01:02 > 0:01:05Dad! How are you?
0:01:05 > 0:01:08Oh, you old bugger, you had me going.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10Look at youse two. Tony boy.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13Well, listen. I hope you don't mind, I've brought Victor with me.
0:01:13 > 0:01:16Oh, Dad! That's a bit much.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19I wish you'd mentioned to me.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23Oh...Jesus!
0:01:23 > 0:01:25Just kiddin'.
0:01:25 > 0:01:28Aye, I just about shat myself there.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34- This is the bollocks, in't it?- Aye.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36It's like Hollywood.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39I'm no going hame.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42Size of that bloody telly... Oh, there's the boys.
0:01:42 > 0:01:48- There you go, Grandad.- Thank you, Jack.- Here you go, Mr McDade. - Call me Victor.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51Tennents! Nice touch. Where did your father get these?
0:01:51 > 0:01:56There's a great shop in the mall. Wanted to make you feel at home.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58That's smashing, Tony. Your health.
0:01:59 > 0:02:03Yous are big lads now, right enough, eh? Size of them.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06- Do youse drink beer, do you?- No.- No.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08Want to try some? Take a wee sip.
0:02:08 > 0:02:12Fiona! There's the boys drinking beer!
0:02:13 > 0:02:18Right, youse two. Wire in. You'll be starvin'.
0:02:18 > 0:02:22It's pastrami sandwiches there, coleslaw, dills and chips.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25Very American. I've always wanted to say,
0:02:25 > 0:02:29"Give me a pastrami on rye... and hold the, um..."
0:02:29 > 0:02:34- "hold the..." That stuff that looks like salad cream.- Mayo.- "..mayo."
0:02:34 > 0:02:38- Lovely.- Cannae believe you're here, Dad. It's so good to see you.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Good to see you too, darlin'.
0:02:40 > 0:02:44- First things first, you'll be wanting a wee sleep.- Oh, no, no, no, no.
0:02:44 > 0:02:49- I'm high on adrenaline. I'm that happy to be here. Victor? - Och, I'll no sleep.
0:02:49 > 0:02:54Well, it's up to you. I've made a list of things you might want to see.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56Oh, aye.
0:02:56 > 0:03:01- There you go.- You know, the CN Tower, Niagara Falls, the touristy stuff an' that.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04Aye, that sounds smashing. Eh, Victor?
0:03:04 > 0:03:06LOUD SNORING
0:03:06 > 0:03:09I'll go and get his bed ready.
0:03:09 > 0:03:14- Darlin', would it be all right if I used your phone? It's just I promised them we'd phone.- Who?
0:03:14 > 0:03:19- The Clansman.- A pub?! You're phoning a pub to let them know you've arrived safely!
0:03:19 > 0:03:23- Aye, is that daft, is it? - No if you don't think it is.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26Dial 00 44 141, then the number.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29Och, I'll do it.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32What's the number?
0:03:32 > 0:03:36- 496 0009.- ..There you are.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38Right, ta. Oh, that's it ringing.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40PHONE RINGS
0:03:42 > 0:03:46- Clansman.- Hello, Bobby. It's Jack here.
0:03:46 > 0:03:50- Jack?- Just calling to say we've arrived safe. That's us landed safe.
0:03:50 > 0:03:55Oh, hallelujah, you're safe(!) I mean, when was it you left, yesterday?
0:03:55 > 0:03:58You've landed noo and you're safe(!)
0:03:58 > 0:04:04Oh, well, thank God, we were worried sick(!) Everyone, it's Jack and Victor, they're safe!
0:04:04 > 0:04:07- You bastard, put Winston on. - Winston!
0:04:07 > 0:04:10It's Jack. They're safe(!)
0:04:10 > 0:04:14- Gie me that phone, ya dick.- Give Victor a big kiss for me, Jack.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16God speed, Jack. God speed.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20Jack. Jack, you're safe!
0:04:20 > 0:04:23- Don't you bloody start.- I'm not. How's your family?
0:04:23 > 0:04:25They're fine and dandy. ..Winston.
0:04:25 > 0:04:29- What time is it there? - I dunno. Back o' ten.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31- At night?- Aye.
0:04:31 > 0:04:36- It's only the back of five here.- Is it?- Aye. That means when you go to bed I'll still have the whole night.
0:04:36 > 0:04:42- Aye.- See first thing in the morning, I'll be getting up...- Aye, aye, Jack, the world's round. What is it?
0:04:42 > 0:04:44- Have you a pen there?- Aye. Isa!
0:04:44 > 0:04:47- Have you got a pen?- 'Right, OK.'
0:04:47 > 0:04:53- This is where we're gonna be, so write this doon in case.- In case of what? In case your granda dies?
0:04:53 > 0:04:58- No, I dunno. In case the house burns down or whatever.- Aye, OK.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00Right, go.
0:05:00 > 0:05:05It'll be 001, right? And then it's...555
0:05:05 > 0:05:09572 7224.
0:05:09 > 0:05:13- Did you hear that?- Aye. - Right, OK, the address -
0:05:13 > 0:05:161009,
0:05:16 > 0:05:181009, uh-huh.
0:05:19 > 0:05:221009, Jack.
0:05:24 > 0:05:28- SNORING - Jack?
0:05:29 > 0:05:31INDIAN MUSIC
0:05:45 > 0:05:49Have a good swatch. You're just gutted cos I've got all the moves.
0:05:54 > 0:05:58Aye, just cos you cannae dance, you fat cow.
0:05:58 > 0:06:02- Morning, Isa. - Morning, Navid.
0:06:02 > 0:06:08- Oh, look at your hair, all fancy. - Aye, a wee shampoo and set oot o' Claire's this morning.
0:06:08 > 0:06:12Classy. I wonder who this new look could be for, huh?
0:06:12 > 0:06:17It is surely not for me, because sadly I am taken already with Naomi Campbell over there.
0:06:18 > 0:06:23- Winston?- No.- Oh, gie us all peace, Isa.
0:06:23 > 0:06:27You've been wittering on aboot him all week making that moon face.
0:06:27 > 0:06:31- Oh, Winston.- I've not, have I? - Aye, you have.
0:06:31 > 0:06:35- So are you two an item now?- No. ..Och, I don't know.
0:06:35 > 0:06:39We have a right laugh together. And he loves his grub.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42He's coming round to my place for his dinner the night.
0:06:42 > 0:06:47No. Me and Winston? Naw!
0:06:47 > 0:06:53- Ah, but maybe.- Well... Oh, jeez, here he's coming in the shop. Don't say a word about...- Of course not.
0:06:53 > 0:06:57- Hello, Navid.- So I hear you and Isa are pumpin', eh?
0:06:57 > 0:07:01- What?- Aw, you mad shagger, Isa told me.- Indeed I did not.
0:07:01 > 0:07:05- I never said that, Vincent.- Does that make you feel proud, Navid?
0:07:05 > 0:07:09Using that sort of language in front of an employee, hmm?
0:07:09 > 0:07:12- Naw, sorry.- Prick.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14- Aye, he's a prick.- Gie's my paper.
0:07:20 > 0:07:26- I was thinking seven for dinner the night.- Oh, no, not the night. I'm playing dominoes with Eric and Tam.
0:07:26 > 0:07:31Oh, and I've got a lovely big steak pie, you know? Oot o' Finlay's.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34Finlay's? With the sausages through it?
0:07:34 > 0:07:41- And the well-fired crust?- Oh, you should see it.- Aye, I will see it. I'm blowing Eric and Tam oot.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44Oh, and you'd dae that for me?
0:07:44 > 0:07:48- I'm no daein' it for you, I'm daein' it for the pie.- He-he-he!
0:07:48 > 0:07:52He's daein' it for the pie. He-he! The pie!
0:07:59 > 0:08:03- Dad?- Oh, I'm sorry, Fiona, have I woke you up?
0:08:03 > 0:08:06No. Can you no sleep?
0:08:06 > 0:08:10No, I got up about ten minutes ago...
0:08:10 > 0:08:13bright as a button. Where do you keep your bloody tea?
0:08:13 > 0:08:17- I'll get it.- I'll get it, here. Away you back to your bed.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19Oh, no.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22We'll have a wee gab. Catch up.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25- It's good you've brung Victor with you.- Aye, aye.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28He's a good pal to me.
0:08:28 > 0:08:32- Is anything the matter? - No, no. I was just thinking...
0:08:32 > 0:08:38- I cannae believe the boys. The bloody size of them.- I know. Steven starts high school next year.
0:08:38 > 0:08:44- Aye, you done the right thing, moving out here. It's a rare place to bring weans up.- It's home noo.
0:08:44 > 0:08:48# It's Canada day, up Canada way! # Morning! Where's the cornflakes?
0:08:48 > 0:08:52Away back to your bed, you half-wit! It's three o'clock in the morning.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58Come on. Come on.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03ALL CHEER
0:09:03 > 0:09:05Oh.
0:09:05 > 0:09:11- What do we owe you for the tickets, boy?- Nothing. I get them through the company.- For nothing?- Aye.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14Good, in't it? Smashing atmosphere.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17Lovely and safe. Good family outing.
0:09:17 > 0:09:21- Have you got ice hockey in Scotland, grandad?- Eh? Oh, aye, we have, Jack,
0:09:21 > 0:09:26but, aye, naebody bothers with it. It's football over where we come fae, isn't that right?
0:09:26 > 0:09:28We used to go to the fitba'.
0:09:28 > 0:09:32We used to take a big carry-out - 12 bottles of beer.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35A wee quarter-bottle each.
0:09:35 > 0:09:40Course they didnae have seats then - you had to stand. Now and again there'd be a dodgy decision,
0:09:40 > 0:09:44and then a sea of beer bottles would come over your head like that.
0:09:44 > 0:09:49You could hear them whistling by your ears and you'd be praying somebody wasnae pissing up the back.
0:09:49 > 0:09:55Mind this one time after a match. Oh, there was a running battle with folk all stabbing each other.
0:09:55 > 0:10:00And we cut up this wee backstreet together, and just as we turned this corner,
0:10:00 > 0:10:04this big fat bastard policeman hits me with his baton.
0:10:04 > 0:10:08- Pow! You want to have seen the blood.- Oh, what a laugh it was.
0:10:08 > 0:10:13- Ya beauty! - Ya bastardin' dumplin'!
0:10:13 > 0:10:18- Jack, Victor, please.- Sorry, lads. - It's OK, Grandad.
0:10:18 > 0:10:22- It's all right.- We should have had a wee punt on this game.
0:10:22 > 0:10:28- Aye.- Tony, we should have had a bet on the game there.- You can't bet on the games.- Cannae put a line on?- No.
0:10:28 > 0:10:32- That's a bit poor, is it no?- Aye, it's all very tame, in't it?- Aye.
0:10:32 > 0:10:37- It's all about big business, you know? It's aimed at the families. - All the excitement's took oot it.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45I mean, that boy's all padded.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50- So, you and Isa going oot?- Eh?
0:10:50 > 0:10:54- Naw.- Well, you're seein' a hell of a lot of her.
0:10:54 > 0:10:58- Aye, well, so would you. - Oh, just sex, then.- No.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00- Grub.- Grub!- Ooh, aye.
0:11:00 > 0:11:05Best o' gear too, every time. The other night we had steak pie.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08- Right.- Oot o' Finlay's.
0:11:08 > 0:11:12- With the sausages through it? - Aye, the very same.
0:11:12 > 0:11:17- I gonnae have to knock it on the head.- How do you mean?- Well, all this grub comes at a price, Eric.
0:11:17 > 0:11:22- I'm no with you.- Well, it's Isa, in't it? You have to put up with her chat all the time.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25Yak, yak, yak, yak, yak.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28Oh, aye, and...yak, yak, yak, yak.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30What's that other thing she does?
0:11:30 > 0:11:33That's it, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak.
0:11:33 > 0:11:37You see my dilemma, Eric. I'm a big fat greedy bastard.
0:11:37 > 0:11:41- What if you had an emergency? - Keep talking.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44Whenever you finish your grub, I phone you.
0:11:44 > 0:11:48That would mean I'd have to have her up to mine, but that's no problem.
0:11:48 > 0:11:52And I say, "I'm locked oot... and it's an emergency."
0:11:52 > 0:11:57Eric, that's perfect. Right, 9.30. Call me at 9.30 - no later.
0:11:57 > 0:12:01- I'll meet you in the Clansman for a pint.- On you?- On me? That's a given.
0:12:07 > 0:12:11Right you, Wendy's Wonder, three quid on the nose.
0:12:11 > 0:12:12What's that?
0:12:12 > 0:12:15- What's what?- This.
0:12:15 > 0:12:21- Sucking in through the teeth. - Fell at her last outing - no really living up to her early promise.
0:12:21 > 0:12:25- Right, I'm away, OK? 9.30. - On the button, mind.- Aye.
0:12:25 > 0:12:31- On the button.- Aye, OK.- What happens at 9.30?- Winston has asked me to phone him at 9.30 because...- Eric!
0:12:31 > 0:12:34Why are you telling Stevie anything?
0:12:34 > 0:12:38Stevie does not need to know a thing. Stevie is a bookie...
0:12:38 > 0:12:40and that is all he is.
0:12:40 > 0:12:44He does not need to know what happens tonight. Now you, 9.30.
0:12:44 > 0:12:48You, Wendy's Wonder. Run along, Stevie boy. Trot on.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51Wendy's Wonder. Third.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53Second.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56Pulled up. ..Fell.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59Who are you, Stevie? John McCririck, eh?
0:12:59 > 0:13:03Wendy's Wonder. Next race. Three quid.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05On the nose. Ya tit.
0:13:05 > 0:13:10- I thought I'd catch you in here. You wee monkey, gambling, eh? - Isa, you gave me a fright.
0:13:10 > 0:13:14- What about mince and tatties th' night?- Smashing. Listen.
0:13:14 > 0:13:18Here, I was going to say, why don't you come up to my house tonight?
0:13:18 > 0:13:23See, I'm always o'er at yours watching your telly. A wee change of venue, eh?
0:13:23 > 0:13:27- Oh, aye, that's smashing. It's a date.- Right.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31Oh, Victor, are you still dealing with the jetlag?
0:13:32 > 0:13:35Aye. Oh, it's a bugger.
0:13:36 > 0:13:40- Did you enjoy the hockey match? - Oh, aye, it was smashing, aye.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42Your da enjoyed himself an' all.
0:13:43 > 0:13:49- What's Craiglang like noo? - Pardon my French, darlin', but... it's a shitehole.- Oh, is it?
0:13:49 > 0:13:52Aye. It's no the place you remember.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58Do you mind your maw used to take you to Mrs McCann's shop?
0:13:58 > 0:14:02Aye. I'd sit on the counter and she'd give me a toffee apple.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04Aye. That's all shutters noo.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06Oh.
0:14:06 > 0:14:10- Is that wee lane still there - gets you to the park?- Roseford Lane?- Aye.
0:14:10 > 0:14:16Aye, that's a shooting-up gallery for the junkies now. You need a gun to go up that lane.
0:14:20 > 0:14:24What do you think my would say if we asked him to come and live with us?
0:14:26 > 0:14:29Eh, I don't know.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31You gonnae ask him?
0:14:31 > 0:14:34We're thinking aboot it. Do you think you could sound him out?
0:14:34 > 0:14:38I don't think that's ma place, darlin'.
0:14:38 > 0:14:42- But you're his best friend. - Aye, and you're his daughter.
0:14:42 > 0:14:44You're talking about a family thing.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46CHUCKLING
0:14:46 > 0:14:49- Are you up an' all?- Hello, Dad. - Hi, doll.
0:14:49 > 0:14:53Right, I'm off to my bed to stare at the ceiling.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55Good night!
0:14:55 > 0:14:58Or morning or middle or whatever.
0:14:59 > 0:15:03- Oh, he's left tea there. - Me and Tony want you to stay, Dad.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05Oh.
0:15:05 > 0:15:12The summers are long, you could see the kids all the time, there's a lovely wee pub you'd love.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14Tony thinks the world of you.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16I knew that was coming.
0:15:17 > 0:15:21Aye, you're right. It would be fantastic but...
0:15:21 > 0:15:24- It's no for me.- Why?
0:15:25 > 0:15:29Well...right...
0:15:29 > 0:15:32See, years ago, before you were born...
0:15:32 > 0:15:39me and your mother were going to emigrate to Canada. We'd signed all the papers - we were going.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41- So what happened?- We couldnae dae it.
0:15:42 > 0:15:46Our bottles crashed. Bottom line was we werenae the type.
0:15:46 > 0:15:50Thousands went. Pals o' mine.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52Family an' that.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55But we didnae.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00And then you were born.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02And you grew up and you came.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05Noo look at you.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08I'm that bloody chuffed for you, so I am.
0:16:08 > 0:16:14Ach, there's a time o' your life when you make those kind of decisions, you know?
0:16:14 > 0:16:16My time for that's past.
0:16:16 > 0:16:20Come oot here...I couldnae come oot here without your mother.
0:16:23 > 0:16:27To start again? I'm no at the start.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34Anyway, I've got to go hame.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37I've still got eight pound left on my power card.
0:16:48 > 0:16:53Noo, Sandy O'Brien's wife. I...
0:17:05 > 0:17:10Now...Sandy O'Brien's wife. What of her?
0:17:10 > 0:17:11PHONE RINGS
0:17:13 > 0:17:18Who could that be? At this time! I wanted to hear that too.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21I wanted a right good gab. Tch!
0:17:24 > 0:17:27Hello! Who is this? ..Eric.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30..At THIS time?
0:17:30 > 0:17:32An emergency, you say?
0:17:33 > 0:17:35Locked out.
0:17:35 > 0:17:40How can I help? Yes, that's true, I did train as a locksmith but...
0:17:40 > 0:17:45I never followed it through and ended up taking another career path.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49I'll be right over.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53Is that Eric? Is he all right?
0:17:53 > 0:17:57No, he's locked oot. He needs my help. Let yourself oot.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00You don't want me to wait here?
0:18:00 > 0:18:03No, no. Locks take an awful long time.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06- You better go to him.- See you after.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09Yes.
0:18:13 > 0:18:19Here, see when the waitress comes back...I'm going to slap her arse like they do in the movies.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21Aye, that's what to do...
0:18:21 > 0:18:27and me, my daughter, and my grandweans can watch her rip your arm off and batter your melt in.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29Aye, right enough. She looks handy.
0:18:29 > 0:18:33- What are you getting, boys? - A Gutbuster.- Each.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35To share.
0:18:36 > 0:18:40That looks big enough, aye. What's that you're having, darlin'?
0:18:40 > 0:18:45- A Danish and a coffee.- Aye, you see, just like your mother, darlin', appetite of a sparrow.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48What are you on?
0:18:48 > 0:18:52Eight rashers of Canadian bacon, six sausages, eggs, hash browns,
0:18:52 > 0:18:57round of toast, and a side of pancakes. THIS is the Lumberjack's Snack.
0:18:57 > 0:19:03Eight rashers of bacon! That's a full packet. All you'll be fit for after that's your bed, eh?
0:19:03 > 0:19:07- Nonsense. This'll set me up for the day. What you getting?- Eggs.
0:19:07 > 0:19:11- Can you get just eggs?- Aye, you can. I didnae want anything else.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14That'll be your eggs, then.
0:19:14 > 0:19:19- There's a chicken firing eggs out its arse like a Tommy gun.- Dad!
0:19:19 > 0:19:22I'll never eat all that.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24LOUD BURP
0:19:24 > 0:19:28Sorry. You wouldnae think you could eat nine eggs, would you?
0:19:28 > 0:19:31- And half my bloody bacon. - Aye, sorry about that.
0:19:31 > 0:19:35Look at this queue. What is it we're going up here for again?
0:19:35 > 0:19:38- LIFT PINGS - Good point, Jack(!)
0:19:38 > 0:19:44I've no idea why we're going up the world's tallest freestanding building(!)
0:19:44 > 0:19:46Tallest freestanding building...
0:19:46 > 0:19:52- I don't think I need to bother, I've done all the big heights. - When have you done the heights?
0:19:52 > 0:19:54Eh...
0:19:54 > 0:19:57- Well...- Come on.- The Rid Road flats.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00Are you afraid to go up, Grandad?
0:20:00 > 0:20:04Me? To go up there?! Oh, no, no, no. I'm quite happy to go up.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06LIFT PINGS
0:20:12 > 0:20:14Jack.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19Hello and welcome to the CN Tower.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21The world's tallest building and a wonder of the modern world.
0:20:21 > 0:20:28We're riding in one of our six high-speed elevators which will be going up at 15mph or 22kmph.
0:20:28 > 0:20:32Do you hear that, Jack? 22kmph we're travelling at.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35- That's faster than the lift at Osprey Heights, eh?- Aye.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38Are you all right, Dad?
0:20:38 > 0:20:40LIFT PINGS
0:20:47 > 0:20:52- Dad, what you doing? Come and look! - I can see all right fae here, aye.
0:20:52 > 0:20:56Jack, they've got a glass floor. You can see all the way doon.
0:20:56 > 0:21:02- Come on, Grandad.- Come on!- Come on, Grandad!- I'm fine here. I can see fine. Just leave me, I'm fine.
0:21:02 > 0:21:06- Grandad's scared.- Grandad's scared. - That's just silliness now.
0:21:06 > 0:21:09Jack, watch this!
0:21:09 > 0:21:11- Scaredy cat!- Scaredy cat!
0:21:11 > 0:21:13RETCHING
0:21:14 > 0:21:18Calm, doon, it'll wash off. It's only a bit of sick, for God's sake.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25Shite. Bobby!
0:21:25 > 0:21:28- What?- Have you got another phone back there I can use?- Oh, aye.
0:21:28 > 0:21:32I've got these wee Samsung P500. Oh...!
0:21:32 > 0:21:36I nearly forgot. That's ma phone.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38You use the punter phone.
0:21:38 > 0:21:42- Come on, Bobby, it's urgent. - Who are phoning?- Winston.
0:21:42 > 0:21:43Nah.
0:21:43 > 0:21:48- I've got to phone him!- What's so urgent?- Isa's cooking him his dinner all the time noo.
0:21:48 > 0:21:52Once he's eaten, he doesnae want to sit and listen to her shite,
0:21:52 > 0:21:57- so I phone at 9.30 and say there's an emergency.- What's the number?
0:21:57 > 0:22:01And she says to me, "I've been using caramel shortcake for years
0:22:01 > 0:22:04"for socks and shawls and the like.
0:22:04 > 0:22:09"And that there in your haund is a ball of caramel shortcake." Well, I turned it round.
0:22:09 > 0:22:14There it was. Bold as you like - caramel shortcake. I don't mind telling you, I was mortified.
0:22:14 > 0:22:18And then SHE sa... PHONE RINGS
0:22:19 > 0:22:23Hello, Eric... Huh-hmm. ..Hello.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25Hello, Winston. Enjoy your dinner?
0:22:25 > 0:22:28- Hello, Eric.- 'It's no Eric.'
0:22:28 > 0:22:31- 'It's Bobby.'- Yes, Eric.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34- Put Isa on.- No.
0:22:35 > 0:22:41I want to tell her how you cannae be daein' sitting aboot listen to all her... What was it, Eric?
0:22:41 > 0:22:44- Shite.- Who smashed your windae?
0:22:44 > 0:22:48I'm aboot to smash your wee windae. That poor woman cooking your dinner!
0:22:48 > 0:22:52- I'll be right over.- Aye, to buy me a brandy.- Rightie-o, Eric.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54Bye-bye!
0:22:56 > 0:22:58- It's been great, innit?- Oh, aye.
0:22:58 > 0:23:02I never thought I'd get to this age and still be seeing new places.
0:23:02 > 0:23:06Aye, we're no done yet. We've still got Niagara Falls to see.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09That's what you want to dae? Go hame?
0:23:09 > 0:23:12Aye, she knows that noo. I've telt her, aye.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15I'll no see Canada again.
0:23:15 > 0:23:20- Well, she can visit you. - Aye, aye, I suppose so.
0:23:20 > 0:23:24- Hi, guys. Great place, isn't it? - Oh, it's absolutely stunning, aye.
0:23:24 > 0:23:29- Course we've got the real thing back home, haven't we?- The real thing? - Aye, a big place called Firhill.
0:23:29 > 0:23:33- It's about twice the size of this place.- Really, wow.- Aye,
0:23:33 > 0:23:37jam-packed every week it is. Smashing. See you now.
0:23:39 > 0:23:43Away you go, you couple of lying old bastards.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46I was brought up in Maryhill.
0:23:49 > 0:23:55Anyway I'm seeing her at the bingo on Saturday after, Wins. We'll soon see if her nose is outta joint.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58- Why are you looking at the clock? - I'm no.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01No. Do you mind wee Kelly-Ann Reid?
0:24:01 > 0:24:08Well, they don't want her taking up with this boy and they've told him not tae phone, but he keeps phoning.
0:24:08 > 0:24:13Alison doesn't want a big rumpus, so she'd nae option but to pull the plug oot the phone,
0:24:13 > 0:24:16and that way the phone couldnae ring.
0:24:22 > 0:24:26- And I thought, "That's a smashing idea."- What did you dae that for?
0:24:26 > 0:24:30To stop Eric phoning here with some emergency.
0:24:30 > 0:24:35- What you on about?- I'm up here every night cooking your dinner, washing your plates, gein' you your tea,
0:24:35 > 0:24:40- and at exactly half-past nine that phone rings...- No, it doesnae.
0:24:40 > 0:24:45- ..and you're out that door, so you don't have to sit and listen to ma pish.- No, I werenae.
0:24:45 > 0:24:50Right, it's 9.35. What do you think's gonna happen when I plug that in?
0:24:50 > 0:24:51..Nothin'.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04PHONE RINGS
0:25:05 > 0:25:06Pick it up!
0:25:17 > 0:25:18Uh!
0:25:18 > 0:25:21- Hello.- It's me, Eric.
0:25:21 > 0:25:25Five bloody times I've tried to phone you and it just kept ringing oot.
0:25:25 > 0:25:29- Right.- Anyway, blah, blah, blah. I've been mugged or whatever.
0:25:29 > 0:25:33See you in the Clansman in five minutes.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35Oh!
0:25:38 > 0:25:41Absolutely staggering.
0:25:41 > 0:25:43Aye, this must be my tenth time here.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45Never tire of it.
0:25:48 > 0:25:53Do you know what wastes it a wee bit, though? All they tacky touristy shops o'er there.
0:25:53 > 0:25:57- I think it makes it look a wee bit Blackpooly.- Aye.
0:25:58 > 0:26:02Look at that numpty o'er there with the daft hat on.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05Fiona! Jack! What do you think?
0:26:05 > 0:26:08- Nice.- Aye, lovely. Suit you.
0:26:08 > 0:26:12Oh, didnae think I'd forget my old pal, did you?
0:26:15 > 0:26:18That's smashing. Thanks very much.
0:26:18 > 0:26:22- Right, who's for the Maid Of The Mist?- Me!- Me!
0:26:22 > 0:26:25Naw, naw. We'll hang aboot here. Away you go and enjoy yourselves.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28OK. Come on, you two.
0:26:31 > 0:26:34Are you sure you don't want to stay, Dad?
0:26:34 > 0:26:37Aye, I'm sure.
0:26:37 > 0:26:42I've often wondered what it would've been like if me and yer maw had come oot here to stay.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45Oh, that reminds me...
0:26:48 > 0:26:50Mum's ring!
0:26:50 > 0:26:53No, Dad, you keep it.
0:26:53 > 0:26:57No, I brought it oot here for you to keep.
0:27:06 > 0:27:09Oop. That was unfortunate.
0:27:41 > 0:27:46Get your money in. Come on, Eric. Tackiest gift fae Jack and Victor wins the pot.
0:27:46 > 0:27:49- Right, Eric. What did they get you? - They brought me a thermometer...
0:27:49 > 0:27:53with a photo of Niagara Falls on it. Really shitty.
0:27:53 > 0:27:55Nah.
0:27:55 > 0:27:58- I could top that.- The floor's yours.
0:27:58 > 0:28:01Rocky Mountain desert wine.
0:28:01 > 0:28:05That's no tacky. That's no bad.
0:28:05 > 0:28:09Gather round, gents. A shot glass emblazoned with the legend Canada.
0:28:09 > 0:28:14- Aye, so what? Canada, big deal. - Ah, don't be so hasty.
0:28:14 > 0:28:18Watch what happens when I place some booze into the glass.
0:28:22 > 0:28:25There you go - a naked lady.
0:28:25 > 0:28:28- That's very good.- That's no bad.
0:28:28 > 0:28:32Oh, here, a naked woman. That's got ma temperature soarin'.
0:28:32 > 0:28:36I'm roastin', I think I'll have to take my jacket off.
0:28:37 > 0:28:42Niagra Falls! Come to me with that pot!
0:28:42 > 0:28:44Sweet sherry, please, Bobby.
0:28:44 > 0:28:46Oh, and boys...
0:28:48 > 0:28:50ALL: Oh!
0:28:52 > 0:28:55Thanking you.