0:00:36 > 0:00:38THEY SNORE SOFTLY
0:00:45 > 0:00:47(Oh, Jesus...)
0:00:47 > 0:00:49Victor...
0:00:49 > 0:00:51Victor!
0:00:51 > 0:00:54- What's that?- Need to stop daein' that.- What?
0:00:54 > 0:01:00- Leaving that fire on in the middle of the afternoon.- The fire on...? Oh, ye sleekit bastard -
0:01:00 > 0:01:05waited till I fell asleep, then you slipped on the full three bars.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09Get the kettle on. I'm parched.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20Aw, Jack...
0:01:20 > 0:01:22it's a bad routine we're in.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25Sleeping in the middle of the day.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27It's nae use.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31We should be up - up and aboot.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39- JACK!- Aaagh!
0:01:39 > 0:01:43What you tryin' to dae? Gimme a bloody heart attack?
0:01:43 > 0:01:46Get that bloody fire aff... sitting here stupefied.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51I was away on one, there -
0:01:51 > 0:01:56dreaming. Wee Wullie Sampson's bike - mind that red bike?
0:01:56 > 0:01:59Giving me a hudgie on it, flying down Mayfield Street...
0:01:59 > 0:02:03There was a bread van at the bottom of the hill,
0:02:03 > 0:02:09yous ended up in the back of it, the man gave you cakes, but your maw accused you of stealing them.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12- Telt you that before? - No, I guessed it(!) Yes!
0:02:13 > 0:02:15Well, I'm sorry if I'm boring you.
0:02:15 > 0:02:20- Aye, well, I've heard all your stories.- That's charming.
0:02:20 > 0:02:24- I've heard all your bloody stories too.- Aye, right!
0:02:24 > 0:02:28Aye, right. Tell me one I haven't heard, then. Go on!
0:02:28 > 0:02:29Fine.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36Ah!
0:02:36 > 0:02:42- Mind o' that tea room at the Cross? - Uh-huh.- Lassie worked there - Denise Kirkwood.- That's right.
0:02:42 > 0:02:46- Well...- Well, you fancied her, so you asked her oot.
0:02:46 > 0:02:52Yous went to the pictures. If my memory serves, it was African Queen that was playing.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55And your bottle went cos she grabbed your nuts.
0:02:55 > 0:03:01- I never telt you that. Where'd you hear that?- Winston telt me about a hundred year ago!
0:03:01 > 0:03:04- That's no' the same! - The same as what?
0:03:04 > 0:03:07You hearing a story that I didnae...
0:03:07 > 0:03:08Ach!
0:03:10 > 0:03:15- We're doon a hole right enough, aren't we?- We're oot o' patter.
0:03:15 > 0:03:19- Heard it a', seen it a'. - The balloon is burst.
0:03:19 > 0:03:23Why don't you put the fire on for a wee while, eh?
0:03:23 > 0:03:25Stick it on for half an hour.
0:03:30 > 0:03:34- Hello...Winifred.- Hello, Bawbag. Pint of lager.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37- Hello, lads.- Hi.
0:03:39 > 0:03:44- What's going on here?- Don't ask. Last night's the quietest night I've had in eight year.
0:03:44 > 0:03:48- Is that right? How's that? - Cos of yous.- Eh?
0:03:48 > 0:03:51Imagine for a minute you're a young couple.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54You're oot takin' in the night air.
0:03:54 > 0:03:59And she says, "You know whit, Tugsy Wugsy? I'm thirsty."
0:03:59 > 0:04:02And he says, "So am I, Fluffy Bum.
0:04:02 > 0:04:06"Why don't we pop into this nice hostelry right here?"
0:04:06 > 0:04:10So, they skip up the stair, open the door,
0:04:10 > 0:04:13only to be confronted with... the living dead,
0:04:13 > 0:04:19in the form of yous old decrepit bastards. So they turn aboot and piss aff!
0:04:19 > 0:04:24- I'll tell you why you're quiet in here.- Why?- You're a wanker.- I'm no'.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26Aye, you are. ..Eric?
0:04:26 > 0:04:30- You are a bit of a wanker, Boaby. - MOUTHS: Wanker.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33And I'll tell you for why
0:04:33 > 0:04:38- all your customers are going elsewhere. Grady's.- Oh, Grady's!
0:04:38 > 0:04:44It's smashing there. The big roaring fire, nice cold Guinness - it's smashing. So I'm hearing...
0:04:44 > 0:04:47You've been in the Irish theme pub?
0:04:47 > 0:04:50Just for fags...and a lime cordial.
0:04:50 > 0:04:55So I'm a wanker cos all my customers are drinking in an Irish theme pub?
0:04:55 > 0:04:57Aye.
0:04:57 > 0:05:02- How does that work?- Cos you've done nothing to deserve customers, Boaby.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05Your theme in here is the theme of shite.
0:05:05 > 0:05:11Welcome to The Clansman - enjoy the shite atmosphere, the shite patter, the shite pint.
0:05:11 > 0:05:15If you need to use the facilities, have a shite piss!
0:05:16 > 0:05:18Routine - that's your killer.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21Breakfast, lunch, Clansman,
0:05:21 > 0:05:23hoose, tea, bed.
0:05:23 > 0:05:27- If you want to live on the wild side...- Bookies!
0:05:27 > 0:05:30- Shite, isn't it?- Aye, it's shite.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37A Mexican night - that would pull the customers in.
0:05:37 > 0:05:43- A Mexican night?! What do you do on a Mexican night?- You could get they hats they wear...they...
0:05:43 > 0:05:46- Sombreros.- Aye.
0:05:46 > 0:05:50That thing they hang up that's full of the... They batter it with sticks.
0:05:50 > 0:05:56- A Pinata.- Mind you, they drink that wormy drink - tequila.
0:05:56 > 0:06:01That's a misconception, Boaby - you don't get a worm in tequila.
0:06:01 > 0:06:06You're more likely to get that in mescal - a drink made from cactuses. That's not all the Mexicans drink.
0:06:06 > 0:06:12For cocktails, you could have margaritas or caipirinhas.
0:06:12 > 0:06:16- You know an awful lot aboot drink. - Aye. See us a Thunderbird.- No.
0:06:16 > 0:06:20This Mexican night sounds like a lot of bother.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23Have a gay night and invite all your pals.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28- Shut up!- Boaby, you know what's rare? A quiz night.
0:06:28 > 0:06:33We go to one on Thursday night at The Swan. It's smashing.
0:06:33 > 0:06:38Course I've never won, cos I've aye got this stupid wee bastard on my team!
0:06:38 > 0:06:41A quiz night - now you're talking.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44What do you need - questions, microphone, wee speaker?
0:06:44 > 0:06:47I've got a quiz book doonstairs.
0:06:47 > 0:06:50Languages - Italian,
0:06:50 > 0:06:53Chinese, Cantonese, Mandarin...
0:06:53 > 0:06:58No, no - Italian, the language of love. We'll learn Italian and get ourselves a couple of Italian birds.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01Aye, cos Craiglang's full of them(!)
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Right, no' languages, then.
0:07:03 > 0:07:07Oh, archaeology! Do you fancy that, Jack?
0:07:07 > 0:07:11Cutting aboot, digging things up like him with the whip and the hat.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14- Aye, Zorro!- Naw!
0:07:14 > 0:07:18- Right, no' archaeology, then. Economics?- No.
0:07:18 > 0:07:22- Engineering?- No.- Law?- How long does it take to become a lawyer?
0:07:22 > 0:07:24Five year.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27- No, I'll be dead by then.- Aye.
0:07:28 > 0:07:33- Wine-making?- No, I've never liked wine.- Me neither. Basket-weaving?
0:07:33 > 0:07:36Naw, that's for dafties.
0:07:36 > 0:07:40- Oh! Medical proficiency. - Hmm... what would that involve?
0:07:40 > 0:07:43Well, you become...proficient... in the...
0:07:43 > 0:07:46medical things in life.
0:07:46 > 0:07:51- That might come in handy. - Aye, one of us takes a tumble, the other one knows what to do.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53Aye, if you crack your heid,
0:07:53 > 0:08:00- or scald yourself making a cup of tea...- Yes.- Or receive a terrible cut from a tin of red salmon.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03Or indeed any tin - soup, corned beef...
0:08:03 > 0:08:07- sweetcorn niblets... - That's plenty, Jack.
0:08:07 > 0:08:12- Two for medical proficiency, hen. - Good for you. That's a popular one.
0:08:12 > 0:08:16- That class starts tomorrow night. - In here?
0:08:16 > 0:08:19- No, in the west quadrangle. - What happens through there?
0:08:19 > 0:08:24This is the union - you can get a pint in the bar for 75p,
0:08:24 > 0:08:29snooker on the top floor, reading room on the second, canteen on the third and an amusement arcade.
0:08:29 > 0:08:33Whoa, whoa - back up a bit, sweetheart. How much is a pint?
0:08:33 > 0:08:37Right, Wullie, grab the mike and give us a question.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43A-hem.
0:08:43 > 0:08:47What did Mary...Curry discover?
0:08:49 > 0:08:52- Marie Curie!- Radium!
0:08:52 > 0:08:54Let's just see, shall we?
0:09:00 > 0:09:03"Wake Me Up Before You Go Go."
0:09:03 > 0:09:07- That's no' right...- Thanks, Wullie. We'll let you know.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09Look, I can dae better.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11Thanks, Wullie.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14Och, I was a wee bit nervous.
0:09:14 > 0:09:15I know!
0:09:19 > 0:09:21Cheers.
0:09:21 > 0:09:27- Right, Mark, where did you do your quizmaster before?- The Ginnel.
0:09:27 > 0:09:31- Tough shop, The Ginnel.- No' when I'm on.- Right, grab the mike...
0:09:31 > 0:09:34fire us a question.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38I'm Mark, your quizmaster.
0:09:38 > 0:09:42Question 1 - who was the second man on the moon?
0:09:42 > 0:09:46- Who was the second man on the moon? - I know that.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48Right, go.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51I know it... It's a funny name. Oh, I know that!
0:09:51 > 0:09:53- Oot o' time!- Buzz Aldrin!
0:09:53 > 0:09:58- OOT O' TIME!- But I said Buzz Aldrin. It's right, isn't it?
0:10:01 > 0:10:04Aye, that's right - Buzz Aldrin.
0:10:04 > 0:10:08But I'm no' givin' you it cos you were oot o' time! Nae points,
0:10:08 > 0:10:10PRICK!
0:10:13 > 0:10:16Question 2...
0:10:17 > 0:10:21That's smashing, Mark. We've got your number.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32What a psycho, eh?
0:10:34 > 0:10:37What the hell's the matter with you?
0:10:37 > 0:10:41- Hello, lads, what yous for? - Two lager.- What's going on?
0:10:41 > 0:10:45- Boaby's auditioning for a quizmaster for a quiz night.- Ah.
0:10:45 > 0:10:50We won't have a quiz night unless I can find somebody to read the questions.
0:10:50 > 0:10:54- Six people I've seen - all arseholes.- Is that it?
0:10:54 > 0:10:56- One more, Margo.- Margo?
0:10:56 > 0:11:01- Six of the belt from Margo.- Can I have that question again, Margo?
0:11:01 > 0:11:04How are you no' doin' it, Boaby?
0:11:04 > 0:11:07Oh, I forgot - you cannae read.
0:11:07 > 0:11:11- I'll be pulling pints.- That sounds rare - a wee quiz, eh, Victor?
0:11:11 > 0:11:15Aye, we'll walk that, Jack. A couple of guys like us.
0:11:15 > 0:11:20A couple of learned gentlemen like our good selves are.
0:11:20 > 0:11:25- What?- Jack and me are going back to school.- It's "Jack and I."
0:11:25 > 0:11:27No, it's me and Victor.
0:11:27 > 0:11:31Up yours. You cannot take the wind from our sails.
0:11:31 > 0:11:37- Very soon, me and my colleague will be proficient in all matters medical.- First aid course?
0:11:37 > 0:11:39Aye...
0:11:41 > 0:11:42Hello!
0:11:42 > 0:11:46I came about the quiz...? ALL: MARGO!
0:11:49 > 0:11:52Aye, that's right, aye...
0:11:52 > 0:11:56Hello, I'm Kenneth Jordan. Kenny will do.
0:11:56 > 0:12:02For the next three weeks, I'll be teaching you medical proficiency or "first aid."
0:12:02 > 0:12:06In this short time you will leave here confident, competent
0:12:06 > 0:12:10and able to handle what until now may have been a tricky situation.
0:12:10 > 0:12:15People have injuries and accidents all the time in many places,
0:12:15 > 0:12:21and should an accident happen in your presence, you can provide vital support before help arrives.
0:12:21 > 0:12:26Now, then - first of all - do we all have pens, notepads, erasers?
0:12:28 > 0:12:30Good. Now...
0:12:30 > 0:12:34if you don't know that this is the head,
0:12:34 > 0:12:37arms, legs...
0:12:37 > 0:12:40well, you might as well leave now.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44- Very good!- Good, aye.
0:12:44 > 0:12:48But can anyone, for instance, tell me where the tibia is?
0:12:48 > 0:12:50Bzz! Jarvis, Craiglang - leg.
0:12:50 > 0:12:54Thank you, Jarvis, Craiglang. Leg. OK.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57What do we call this airway here?
0:12:57 > 0:13:00Yeah... Trachea. Trachea!
0:13:00 > 0:13:05- Thank you.- This is smashing. - Yeah, I feel smarter already.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08And what are these?
0:13:08 > 0:13:11- Livers.- No, kidneys.
0:13:11 > 0:13:15- Oh-ho!- Dear, oh, dear. - Livers? Quite poor.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23- Jack?- Oh, Winston...
0:13:23 > 0:13:26- Uh!- Jesus, Jack...
0:13:26 > 0:13:29Nobody move - help has arrived!
0:13:30 > 0:13:36First, make sure the patient is comfortable by placing him in the recovery position.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38How do you feel now, Jack?
0:13:38 > 0:13:41Smashing!
0:13:44 > 0:13:49Oh, aye...first aid thing. Couple of tits!
0:13:49 > 0:13:53- The lovely Margo!- Hello, lads! Hello, Boaby.
0:13:53 > 0:13:57- Did you get the quiz book?- Aye, I had to hunt everywhere for it.
0:14:00 > 0:14:04- What would the quiz book be called? - It's called...- Uh-uh!
0:14:04 > 0:14:08- As soon as you tell them, it's the end.- They'll get the same one.
0:14:08 > 0:14:13Exactly, Margo - you're dealing with sleekit bastards.
0:14:13 > 0:14:19- I'm going to go and put this somewhere very safe. - Are we getting three pints or no'?
0:14:19 > 0:14:23- Want me to get them, Boaby? - Could you?- Nae bother.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31Victor, come here and see this.
0:14:31 > 0:14:37They've taken a hand, stripped all the skin back to reveal all the veins and that. Fantastic.
0:14:37 > 0:14:41Is that right, aye? I've seen something better than that.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44- What?- A pickled boaby.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46A pickled boaby?
0:14:48 > 0:14:53- Oh...that's a belter, isn't it? - It's disgusting, eh?
0:14:53 > 0:14:58But if you had a big boaby like that, you'd want to put it on display.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01I'll tell you what's happened there.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04That fella's died and the undertaker's clocked that,
0:15:04 > 0:15:10picked up the phone and said, "Is that the museum? I've got a smashing big boaby in if you're interested."
0:15:10 > 0:15:16- "Good-oh. I'll be down with my saw to hack it aff and stick it in a jar. Cheerie-bye."- Cheerie-bye.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19Come on, we'd better get moving.
0:15:20 > 0:15:25- Hello, there.- Hello.- Hello. - Are you not going the wrong way?
0:15:25 > 0:15:29- We're going to the pub.- You've got a class.- What about?- Dressings.
0:15:29 > 0:15:34- Ach!- Bandages! I know how to put a bandage on. Do you, Jack?
0:15:34 > 0:15:36Aye...plaster...boof!
0:15:36 > 0:15:39Come on. Come with us for a drink.
0:15:39 > 0:15:44- No, you're all right. We're going to the class.- Squares.- Chill out, man!
0:15:44 > 0:15:47- See you.- Aye, see you.
0:15:48 > 0:15:55- Should we be going to that class? - Pish! Couple of jars then we hit the library.- I can dig that. Aye.
0:15:56 > 0:16:02I mean, you don't want to get to our age and go, "Christ, I should have let my hair doon."
0:16:02 > 0:16:04If I was your age, son...
0:16:04 > 0:16:08I'd be out shagging everything that moves.
0:16:08 > 0:16:12That's right. Shag everything that moves.
0:16:12 > 0:16:16Get us a couple of pints, for your old pals, eh?
0:16:16 > 0:16:18That's the boy.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22- Dumb.- Brainless.
0:16:22 > 0:16:28- Here, Jack, we'd better watch our time.- I'm starving. I don't want to go to the library.- Och!
0:16:28 > 0:16:31Bloody library. Daft books.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33Reading?!
0:16:33 > 0:16:37We'd better curtail our bevvy, mind you, cos we've got a class tomorrow.
0:16:37 > 0:16:42- We'll have these two pints just to be sociable and...- Aye.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44- ..that'll be that.- Aye.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46Just to be sociable...then hame.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49- Go on!- Come on! Come on!
0:16:49 > 0:16:51- Keep going.- Get it down you.
0:16:55 > 0:16:59That's a lot of pens. You planning on doing a lot of writing?
0:16:59 > 0:17:01Diary? Memoirs, perhaps?
0:17:05 > 0:17:08- They're for the quiz in The Clansman. - Oh, the quiz.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11I'll be there - front and centre.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13- See you there.- Aye, with bells on.
0:17:16 > 0:17:20- Nice girl.- She's working in The Clansman with Boaby. Margo.
0:17:20 > 0:17:24- I may be talking too soon, but there might be a wee romance.- Wi' Boaby?
0:17:24 > 0:17:28He couldnae get his hole in a barrel of fannies.
0:17:28 > 0:17:33- So you're going to the quiz? - Aye, I watch all the quizzes, especially The Weakest Link.
0:17:36 > 0:17:41But I think Anne Robinson's been going over the top. Too much of the insults.
0:17:41 > 0:17:46I think it's the fault of this prick Simon Cowell from Pop Idol slagging everybody.
0:17:46 > 0:17:52She's under pressure to up the stakes. There was this nice guy on - quiet, you know.
0:17:52 > 0:17:57He was a constable. Know what she called him? PC Plod.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59PC Plod?! That's too much.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02There's nae need. It gets on my tits.
0:18:02 > 0:18:07For months I've been phoning to get on that show. Put her gas at a peep.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10If I got a question about numbers, she might say to me,
0:18:10 > 0:18:14"I hope you don't count your till receipts that way."
0:18:14 > 0:18:20Then the ball would be up on the slates. I'd say to her, "Who are you talking to, you ginger bitch!
0:18:20 > 0:18:25"I've been in the business 25 years. I'm up at 6.30 every morning!
0:18:25 > 0:18:28"What time do you get up, you lazy cow?
0:18:28 > 0:18:33"No, you're out of your depth here, you botox-faced bastard!"
0:18:33 > 0:18:38I think you should lay off that Weakest Link for a while, Navid.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47- That was some mental night last night.- Aye.
0:18:47 > 0:18:53Got a wee bit oot o' hand, but. I mean, drinking one another's sick!
0:18:53 > 0:18:57That was our cue to leave when the boy stuck a pen up his boaby
0:18:57 > 0:19:01- and wrote his name on the beer mat. - Jesus!
0:19:01 > 0:19:05Right, Jack boy - black ball, corner pocket for the game.
0:19:05 > 0:19:09- Well, hurry up, we've got a class in five minutes.- What is it?
0:19:09 > 0:19:13- Och, scaldings and burns and that. - Burns?
0:19:14 > 0:19:18Just slap a wee bit of cream on it, don't you?
0:19:18 > 0:19:20Aye. Rack them up.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22MUSIC: "Alright" by Supergrass
0:19:23 > 0:19:26Wahey!
0:19:26 > 0:19:29# We are young, we run green
0:19:29 > 0:19:32# Keep our teeth nice and clean
0:19:32 > 0:19:35# See our friends, see the sights
0:19:35 > 0:19:38# Feel alright
0:19:38 > 0:19:42- # We wake up, we go out... # - Jack!
0:19:42 > 0:19:44A tinny.
0:19:44 > 0:19:48# See our friends See the sights
0:19:48 > 0:19:50# Feel alright
0:19:53 > 0:19:58# Are we like you? I can't be sure... #
0:19:58 > 0:20:01ANNE ROBINSON: Why bother when you can sing like that?
0:20:01 > 0:20:04You've got to have something to fall back on.
0:20:04 > 0:20:08# ..But we are young, we get by
0:20:08 > 0:20:11# Can't go mad, ain't got time
0:20:11 > 0:20:16# Sleep around if we like But we're all right
0:20:18 > 0:20:21# Got some cash, bought some wheels
0:20:21 > 0:20:23# Took it out, across some fields
0:20:23 > 0:20:27# Lost control, hit a wall
0:20:27 > 0:20:29# But we're alright... #
0:20:33 > 0:20:37- You know, I'm quite nervous about hosting this quiz.- Eh?
0:20:37 > 0:20:42Och, nonsense. What have YOU got to be nervous about, eh?
0:20:42 > 0:20:45- You'll be great.- You think?
0:20:45 > 0:20:47Aye. Absolutely.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49Listen...
0:20:52 > 0:20:54See once we shut this place up...?
0:20:54 > 0:20:56Aye?
0:20:56 > 0:20:59You don't fancy...
0:20:59 > 0:21:01going for a curry, do you?
0:21:01 > 0:21:03Aye, I love curry.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05Good.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07Good.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11I better go get set up, then.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14Aye...off you go.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30Wait! Wait! Margo...
0:21:32 > 0:21:35Shove your quiz up your arse!
0:21:38 > 0:21:41Table for one at The Indian Star tonight, Boaby?
0:21:43 > 0:21:46- Hello, Margo, darling - how are you? - Piss off!
0:21:46 > 0:21:49Oh, charming(!)
0:21:49 > 0:21:51Jeez! Two Fs, Jack.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54- Two failures! - Aye, mortifying, isn't it?
0:21:54 > 0:21:57It's your fault. You led me astray.
0:21:57 > 0:22:02Aye, I tied you up and forced all that lager doon your neck.
0:22:02 > 0:22:06Still, I mean, flunking two piss-easy first aid courses.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09Your patient had a sore eye...
0:22:09 > 0:22:13and you got him done up like Tutankhamen!
0:22:15 > 0:22:19Oh, wait a minute. They're gonna have a bloody field day with this.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21- Wi' what?- Two Fs!
0:22:22 > 0:22:24Two As - the both o' you?
0:22:24 > 0:22:29- Aye, the both of us. - The both of us, yes.- Fantastic. Do you get certificates?- Aye.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32They post them out to you.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34But...the post office, you know...
0:22:34 > 0:22:38- it'll take ages, won't it? Aye. - Right, you two are on my team.
0:22:38 > 0:22:43- D'you think that arse thing was the right thing to dae?- Naw.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46Jesus, now I've got nobody for the quiz.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48Don't panic, we'll get somebody.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50CROAKY VOICE: Pint of Guinness.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55Is this thing on? MICROPHONE WHINES
0:22:56 > 0:22:58Testing, testing, one, two.
0:22:58 > 0:23:02Hello everyone and welcome to The Clansman quiz night.
0:23:02 > 0:23:06I'm Edith, your hostess with the mostest,
0:23:06 > 0:23:11and I'm standing in for... Let's just say we had a technical problem.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13Aye, it was a technical knockout!
0:23:15 > 0:23:21Let me introduce you to the teams. We have Navid's Numpties. CHEERING
0:23:24 > 0:23:26The Douglas Bader dancers.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30We've also got the Royal Infirmaries.
0:23:30 > 0:23:35That was me that come up with that! On account of them passing their first aid course...
0:23:35 > 0:23:38And the Cunning Linguists.
0:23:38 > 0:23:42- Cunning Linguists? I don't get that. - Nae wonder!
0:23:45 > 0:23:48Arthur's Arseholes. Charlie's Angels.
0:23:51 > 0:23:55And last but not least, the Lawbank Lovelies.
0:23:55 > 0:24:00Who I think are cheating, cos there seem to be four of them, not three!
0:24:03 > 0:24:10Remember, there's a winning prize of £50 and a hamper generously donated by Navid Grocers.
0:24:13 > 0:24:17- That's awful good of you, Navid. - (It's all oot o' date shite.)
0:24:17 > 0:24:19Right, we're aff.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22Round 1, Question 1 -
0:24:22 > 0:24:26which TV lawyer did Raymond Burr play?
0:24:26 > 0:24:29Which TV lawyer did Raymond Burr play?
0:24:29 > 0:24:35- Perry Mason!- You're supposed to write the answers doon, you stupid wee dick!- That's lucky.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37I'd have put doon Ironside.
0:24:37 > 0:24:42What is pop diva Madonna's second name? Madonna's surname.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45I don't know that. Do you?
0:24:45 > 0:24:49- No, I'm no' sure I do know. - I don't know. Let's take a guess.
0:24:49 > 0:24:53- Uh... Macmillan. Is it Macmillan? - Macmillan? Hauf-wit!
0:24:53 > 0:24:56- You said take a guess. - No, I think it is Macmillan,
0:24:56 > 0:25:00- cos they call her "M and M," don't they?- Aye.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02Put Macmillan doon.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05Round 2 -
0:25:05 > 0:25:09which Kevin Costner film featured the song...
0:25:09 > 0:25:13# And I-I-I-I-I-I...
0:25:13 > 0:25:18# Will always love you-u-u...? #
0:25:18 > 0:25:21- That's plenty.- Sorry, I got carried away, there.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24- Whitney Houston. - < I love singin'...
0:25:26 > 0:25:30Robbie Fowler plays for which premiership club?
0:25:41 > 0:25:45Final question...of the final round.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50Which fruit is an ingredient
0:25:50 > 0:25:53in the spirit gin?
0:25:53 > 0:25:56- I don't know. I don't drink gin. - Me neither.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59Shh. Juniper berries.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04GRUNTS
0:26:04 > 0:26:09Well, ladies and gentlemen, it seems we have a tie for the winning place.
0:26:11 > 0:26:15The two teams are neck and neck with 52 points.
0:26:15 > 0:26:18So...
0:26:18 > 0:26:21We'll have to have a tie-break question.
0:26:21 > 0:26:25And the tie-break question is between the Lawbank Lovelies
0:26:25 > 0:26:30- and the Royal Infirmaries.- Yes! Up ye! Up ye!
0:26:30 > 0:26:34- Up ye!- Jesus, Jack, that lassie's pregnant!
0:26:34 > 0:26:36Right enough. Best o' luck, sweetheart.
0:26:37 > 0:26:40And...here is the question.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43And it's a medical question.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45Yes! Ya dancer! We're in, we're in!
0:26:45 > 0:26:49When a person is choking on a piece of food,
0:26:49 > 0:26:52it is dislodged...
0:26:52 > 0:26:54by what manoeuvre?
0:26:54 > 0:26:56(Oh...begins with an H...)
0:26:56 > 0:26:58- Well?- Um...
0:26:58 > 0:27:03- Pat on the back? - B-Back pat...manoeuvre.
0:27:03 > 0:27:07- The pat the back manoeuvre. - Heimlich manoeuvre.- Correct!- Yes!
0:27:09 > 0:27:13< And the Lawbank Lovelies are the winners with 53 points!
0:27:13 > 0:27:16- Yeah! Woo!- Well done.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18- Oh!- Oh, Jesus.
0:27:18 > 0:27:22- Boaby, phone an ambulance. This lassie's having her wean.- Right.
0:27:22 > 0:27:26I don't think I can wait! It's coming! Aagh!
0:27:26 > 0:27:32- Is there a doctor in here?- It's OK, Jack and Victor have just passed their first aid certificate.
0:27:32 > 0:27:36- Let them through! - Naw, Isa...- It's OK.
0:27:36 > 0:27:39- Um...- Oh...
0:27:39 > 0:27:42- SHE SCREAMS - All right, hen?
0:27:42 > 0:27:45SHE SCREAMS LOUDER
0:27:45 > 0:27:47Is that...the heid?
0:27:47 > 0:27:50I believe so, aye.
0:27:50 > 0:27:53SHE SCREAMS
0:27:53 > 0:27:55SHE SCREAMS LOUDER
0:28:29 > 0:28:31'Jesus...
0:28:31 > 0:28:33'what a heid I've got.
0:28:33 > 0:28:36'Bloody hell!
0:28:36 > 0:28:39'What was I thinking aboot - slapping Margo's arse?'
0:28:39 > 0:28:43'You stupid bastard, Boaby!
0:28:43 > 0:28:46'Still, the place was mobbed.
0:28:46 > 0:28:48'It was a cracking night.'
0:28:52 > 0:28:54Aagh!
0:28:54 > 0:28:56Morning.